on performativity

[jinian]

Comments

[firecat]

I think of myself as quiet, because that's my default setting, but I'm almost always operating in "let people see me" mode because when people see me they can actually have a valid opinion about me. I am not at all quiet when I'm working to show myself.

This is relevant to a conversation I keep having with a sweetie, where she says she can't read me. I spend a lot of time in "not making a point of letting people see me" mode because performing is exhausting for me, but also-and this is the part I hadn't put into words until I saw your post-because when I'm performing it's harder to really listen, because I'm doing this iterative process of self-adjustment.

[jinian]

That's really interesting, thank you. I have noticed a problem where I sometimes react without thinking things through, which kinda makes no sense if there's a checkpoint -- but if I'm not listening right, then the checkpoint doesn't have enough information to tell me whether my reaction is truly appropriate. I'm going to have to think about this and maybe come back to say more things later. :)

[jinian]

This could easily be another whole post by itself! The shorter version would be, I think I've mostly had an easy time disabling the filters for positive output during sex. Noises, non-complex verbalizations, and moving appropriately are no problem. (Also, if you can tell that's their left hand, you are already more aware of things outside your own sensation during sex than I am!) The trouble comes in when anything goes poorly. I don't do well AT ALL trying to express that something needs to change, because I'm already somewhat-to-very overwhelmed by my senses, and getting it together to say what's wrong is really difficult.