Weird story

[jimmercubed]

Another weird little story. The concept wouldn't leave me alone, has been hounding me forever; the sense that this story gives off demanded I write it out. Maybe it'll stop bugging me now. Input welcome.

Comments

[eyesofshinigami]

Very nicely done. I already told you what I thought of it, but here goes:

I really liked how you set the tone here. While first person is very hard to pull off, you did amazingly here. I think the story wouldn't have half the punch if it wasn't.

I also really enjoyed your word choice here. It really added to the story.

I'm eager to see where this goes. You left me wondering why and how this is happening to this little family. I want to know who the stranger is and why the father lets her leave. I'm sucked in!

Very good, baby. :) ♥

[soulwriter2012]

What I think you have here, is a really astounding opening to a longer work if you can develop it out. Like I told you you've got a great grasp on language and metaphor and you've really set a stage here. I can actually feel the tension in the room when the stranger arrives. You've got a great foundation laid for character building. And it could stand alone as a piece of short fiction if the ending had a little more finality to it.

[whymzycal]

Hmm, I don't know what to think ;-) because I think I need to see MORE, PLEASE AND THANK YOU! AHem.

Seriously, though, I'm wildly intrigued. I like how heavy and apprehensive it all is and how everything unfolds inexorably and terribly. The sense of anxiety is almost palpable, and now the mystery is so compelling I feel like I have to have more.

Of course, it could stand alone with a gloriously open ending. But I'm greedy and am so very curious about how you see it playing out. Ahem.

[jimmercubed]

I'm tossing around continuing it. I'm getting ready to fly back to the Great White North for a few days, leaving me with some downtime during flights/layovers... I may see what I can knock out, since the feedback has been so positive.

[whymzycal]

Yay!