AU FIC: Comfort In Your Skin 1/?
Title: Comfort In Your Skin
Author: jeyhawk
Pairings/Characters: Jared/Jensen, Michael Rosenbaum, Tom Welling, Jeffrey Dean Morgan and others.
Rating: Overall NC17
Category: Romance, Angst, AU
Summary: Jared and Jensen negotiates the boundaries of their new relationship.
Disclaimer: I don't know them, own them or make any money from them. This is just a bunch of inventive lies.
Warnings: Dark themes (rape, abuse, self harm)! All in the past but they inpact the present.
Betas: ejayye
Notes: This is the second installment in the Emo!Jared verse, following directly after Settling Into Now. Emo!Jared is back in business! ;0P
Your handy guide to the emo!jared verse
A little bit of Jensen backstory. CK/JA. Porn!
Chapter One
Jared had never really thought about being in a relationship and committing to someone. And whenever he’d considered actually having sex of his own volition, it had always been imagined in the context of getting obnoxiously drunk. Letting some stranger do him against the wall of an alley, or anonymous motel room. He certainly hadn’t planned on meeting Jensen, falling in love, and actually being in a relationship with him. Not that he was sure that he and Jensen had a real relationship. He liked to think of it as one.
It had only been a day since they kissed for the first time and he was already having a bad case of nerves. He didn’t know how to act around Jensen, so found he was avoiding him. Heading upstairs to his friends’ apartment after classes had been as natural as breathing of late, but today he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He’d already spent an awkward hour with Jeff, until Jared had finally piped up and told him that he knew Jeff was Jensen’s dad.
The look of relief on Jeff’s face had told Jared it was the right thing to do and the last ten minutes had been amiable. Jeff seemed to be pleased to have Jared as part of the family and had actually said as much, which consequently sent Jared into happy nervous flutters. The happy flutters were fully overwhelmed by the nervous ones several minutes later. His Thursday meeting had been rescheduled with another counsellor that Jeff highly recommended, and Jared had finally walked out of there feeling a bit like he was free falling. The more he had continued to think it over the more he realised he didn’t know how to do this; he would officially be the suckiest boyfriend ever.
He fidgeted around his room, putting it back into order after the mess that had been created what seemed like years ago. Part of him was desperate just to see Jensen, maybe touch him. The other part of him, the winning part, was way too scared for that. What if Jensen acted like nothing had happened yesterday? Like they never shared a pizza snuggled together on the couch, kissed between bites and laughed at some silly movie Mike put on. What if he didn’t acknowledge that he had walked Jared downstairs, coming in just to kiss him goodnight and leaving with that special smile?
With a sigh Jared stopped smoothing the invisible wrinkles out of his bedcover and sat down on it instead. Jensen wouldn’t do that to him, would he? Problem was that he couldn’t shake the thought that there had been something in Jensen’s eyes last night that he hadn’t told Jared about. A possible shadow of doubt that only showed when he didn’t think Jared was looking. Jared couldn’t help to think it had something to do with his past and that Jensen wasn’t really sure about this.
He rubbed his fingers over the back of his hand and wondered if he should send Sandy another email. He’d already written her last night to give her an update on things and to tell her he’d survived another Halloween, but there were so much more he wanted to ask her. She always seemed to understand men better than he did, but as she hadn’t had time to answer his first message he decided it would be pointless to burden her with more of his problems.
He’d met Sandy at the hospital after the first time he’d tried to kill himself. She’d been seventeen at the time doing some sort of internship at the hospital because she was aiming to become a nurse. Tiny and waif-like, but with a smile like the sun she had been the only one able to coax an answering smile out of him. He’d liked her right away, at least as much as the darkness within would let him and she’d still been there when he tried a second time.
In a way Jared felt like he owed her his life, though he had never really told her that. At his worst his parents had not been able to get through to him, and seeing the worry or disappointment on their faces hadn’t mattered, hadn‘t stopped him. But Sandy had given him that patented look the first time she came in to his room after he’d woken up; a look that had gone straight to his heart. The next time he’d thought about it, he’d remembered Sandy’s smile and settled for only cutting another horizontal stripe of pain across his arm.
They hadn’t become friends until a couple of years later though, when he’d run into her in a store and they ended up talking for hours over coffee. She knew his story, knew how bad it had been but didn’t judge him and that made her safe. She’d gone off to complete her training, but they’d kept in touch and now she was working as a nurse for the Red Cross in Africa. They contacted each other mostly through emails these days and her internet access was unreliable at best. She would be home for Christmas though, and he longed to see her.
A knock on the door pulled Jared out of his thoughts, making him twitch slightly as he turned to look at it.
“Come in,” he said, kind of hoping that it was Chad or Alison coming for a chat. Not that he thought Chad would have the stomach to face him for another few days.
The door was pushed open and Tom walked in. “Hey,” he said, closing the door behind him. “I thought I’d pay you a visit to see which one of you I want to hit upside the head most.”
“Which one of who?” Jared asked with a frown.
“You or Jensen. I always want to hit Mike,” Tom said, leaning against Jared's desk with a grin.
“Why?” Jared said, still frowning.
“Because Jensen is behaving like he’s twelve years old, only he made me promise not to tell you that and I have a feeling you might not be that much older.”
“Hey,” Jared said, a smile creeping onto his lips. “I’m not acting like I’m twelve. I’m… uhm… thinking.”
“I figured,” Tom said with a smile. “So want to come upstairs? There is food…”
Jared swallowed. “Uhm… Yeah… I… What kinds of food?”
“Chinese. Jensen ordered those spring rolls you love…”
“For me?”
Tom laughed. “I would think so, even if he claims they are his. He hates them you know.”
Jared grinned. “You sure he wants to see me?”
Tom thwapped Jared upside the head. “You win,” he said. “At least Jensen didn’t actually ask.”
Jared rubbed his scalp. “I’m gonna tell him you hit me,” he said, sticking his tongue out.
Tom rolled his eyes. “You do that, little boy. Now come on, I’m starving.”
Jared still felt nervous as he followed Tom’s broad back upstairs, but Tom was a good guy and Jared knew his friend wouldn’t drag him upstairs just to be humiliated. Still he couldn’t stop his palms from sweating as Tom opened the door, and kept his eyes trained on his feet as he stepped inside.
“Hey,” Mike said. “It’s the lost son returning to the fold. Come here and give us a hug.”
Jared looked up to find Mike grinning at him from the couch. “I don’t think so,” he said. “Those look like grabby hands, and there’s no telling where they might go if I get too close.”
“Jenny would totally have my ass if I tried something inappropriate,” Mike said which made Jared blush miserably. The fact that their friends knew made the whole thing even worse.
“Yeah,” he murmured walking over to the couch and taking a seat as far from the insanely grinning Mike as he could. Jensen didn’t seem to be around and his heart lurched awkwardly as he wondered if the older man was avoiding him.
A hand to the back of his neck made him look up to find Jensen smiling down and him. “Hey,” Jensen said.
“Hey,” Jared answered dumbly, mesmerized but the smile on Jensen’s face. He really was too beautiful for words, inhumanely perfect, and Jared couldn’t for the life of him figure why Jensen would want him.
Jensen removed his hand and walked around the couch to sit down next to Jared, bringing his hand up again to touch the back of Jared's neck. Jared turned to look at him with a nervous smile, getting a kiss for his trouble.
“Too cute,” Mike said from beside them and Jared pulled away from the kiss with another blush, decidedly looking in the other direction.
“This is weird,” he said, nervously stroking his fingers across the back of his hand.
“Okay,” Tom said from somewhere behind them. “Come along Mike, we’re going out.”
“What?” Mike said. “But there is food.”
“I’m sure Jared will eat it for you,” Tom said. “We can go grab a bite somewhere.”
“You mean like a date,” Mike leered getting up from the couch.
“Whatever dude. You’re buying.”
“Just so you know… That makes you the girl.”
Jared looked up in time to see Tom roll his eyes as he grabbed his jacket. “It’s a new world, Mike, haven’t you heard. Sometimes the girl buys her man dinner.”
“Awww, you just want me to bend over for you,” Mike said as he grabbed his jacket as well.
Tom just sighed and pushed him out the door. Jared and Jensen shared an amused look, but then Jared remembered that everything was awkward and looked down on his hands again.
Jensen nudged him with his shoulder. “Look at me Jay,” he said and Jared forced himself to look up.
“If this is not what you want you have to tell me,” Jensen said.
“I…” Jared felt as if he was drowning in Jensen’s eyes. “I do want this… I just don’t know how to… What to… I never…” He took a deep breath. “I don’t know what’s expected of me.”
Jensen chuckled, cupping the side of Jared's face. “I don’t expect anything,” he said softly. “I just want to know for sure that yesterday wasn’t a fluke, or something you did just to make me happy.”
Whilst still nervous, Jared smiled, reaching up to keep Jensen’s hand against his face. “It was something I did to make me happy.”
Jensen bent closer and kissed him, just a quick almost chaste press of lips; not that there could ever be anything chaste about those lips. “We’ll take it slow,” he said.
Jared grinned. “We haven’t even been out on a date yet and we’re already at first base. That’s not slow in my book.”
Jensen snorted. “I ordered you spring rolls,” he said, nodding towards the table where the Chinese food was giving off its delicious smell. “That’s way beyond dating because I hate the damned things.”
“And that’s way beyond dating why?” Jared asked.
“Because I know I’ll have to taste them on your tongue later,” Jensen answered with a smirk that made Jared blush all the way down to his toes.
“You have the nicest blush,” Jensen murmured, trailing his fingers over Jared's blazing cheek. “Well all of you’s pretty damned nice.”
Jared’s face became even redder. “Can we eat now?” He more or less whined.
Jensen gave him another quick kiss and smiled. “Sure.”
Jared didn’t actually eat all of Mike's food, Jensen helped too, and everything suddenly felt alright again. They ate, kissed, bumped shoulders and laughed at the Friends marathon on TV. It felt like a normal evening in Suite 40 except for Jared's raging hard on and the fact that he got kissed every so often.
Jensen’s lips were silky soft and Jared didn’t exactly complain that his mouth tasted like sweet and sour sauce. He was quickly getting a hang of the whole kissing thing, or at least he hoped so. Jensen wasn’t complaining at least, kissing Jared slowly and lazily, taking his time to explore Jared's mouth with his slick wonderful tongue. Whenever the kisses got too heated Jensen backed off and let Jared breathe for a while, not wanting to take it further than Jared felt comfortable with.
Jared appreciated the concern but he couldn’t help to wonder how long Jensen would be okay with just kissing. He knew Jensen’s track record, even if he had a feeling Mike might have downplayed it to him. And if even half of what he had heard was true; Jensen was used to getting it on a regular basis from different people. At some point he would start asking for more and Jared wasn’t sure he could give it.
He wanted to have sex, wanted Jensen, but it would take time, maybe a lot of time, to get used to the thought.
“How long will this be enough for you?” He asked quietly between kisses.
“What do you mean?” Jensen queried.
“How long will it be okay to just kiss? A day, two days… A week? Three?”
“I don’t know,” Jensen answered. “I want everything you would give me, but I won’t ever ask for more than you are ready to give.”
Jared swallowed. “But what if I’m never ready?”
“Then we’ll deal with that.”
Jared frowned. “It can’t be that simple,” he said.
Jensen sighed. “No? I don’t know about you, but I’m willing to give this a shot. I don’t see the point though if you’re not even gonna try.”
“Well I’m sorry for being such a freak, okay? Maybe I’ll just mphf…”
Jensen cut Jared off quite successfully by kissing him, his tongue lapping at Jared's lips until he gave up the argument and opened up. Their tongues met halfway in a gentle battle for dominance until Jared let Jensen win. He was seriously out of breath when Jensen pulled away and looked at him.
“I don’t think you’re a freak,” Jensen said.
“And I do want to try this,” Jared responded.
They grinned at each other for a moment and then Jared slouched back into the comfort of the couch, not minding one bit when Jensen followed his lead snuggling into the crook of his arm.
“You’re such a girl,” Jared said affectionately.
Jensen punched him in the side and bit down on his shoulder, making Jared squirm and shove at him. Maybe this could work out after all.
Chapter Two
Author: jeyhawk
Pairings/Characters: Jared/Jensen, Michael Rosenbaum, Tom Welling, Jeffrey Dean Morgan and others.
Rating: Overall NC17
Category: Romance, Angst, AU
Summary: Jared and Jensen negotiates the boundaries of their new relationship.
Disclaimer: I don't know them, own them or make any money from them. This is just a bunch of inventive lies.
Warnings: Dark themes (rape, abuse, self harm)! All in the past but they inpact the present.
Betas: ejayye
Notes: This is the second installment in the Emo!Jared verse, following directly after Settling Into Now. Emo!Jared is back in business! ;0P
Your handy guide to the emo!jared verse
A little bit of Jensen backstory. CK/JA. Porn!
Chapter One
Jared had never really thought about being in a relationship and committing to someone. And whenever he’d considered actually having sex of his own volition, it had always been imagined in the context of getting obnoxiously drunk. Letting some stranger do him against the wall of an alley, or anonymous motel room. He certainly hadn’t planned on meeting Jensen, falling in love, and actually being in a relationship with him. Not that he was sure that he and Jensen had a real relationship. He liked to think of it as one.
It had only been a day since they kissed for the first time and he was already having a bad case of nerves. He didn’t know how to act around Jensen, so found he was avoiding him. Heading upstairs to his friends’ apartment after classes had been as natural as breathing of late, but today he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He’d already spent an awkward hour with Jeff, until Jared had finally piped up and told him that he knew Jeff was Jensen’s dad.
The look of relief on Jeff’s face had told Jared it was the right thing to do and the last ten minutes had been amiable. Jeff seemed to be pleased to have Jared as part of the family and had actually said as much, which consequently sent Jared into happy nervous flutters. The happy flutters were fully overwhelmed by the nervous ones several minutes later. His Thursday meeting had been rescheduled with another counsellor that Jeff highly recommended, and Jared had finally walked out of there feeling a bit like he was free falling. The more he had continued to think it over the more he realised he didn’t know how to do this; he would officially be the suckiest boyfriend ever.
He fidgeted around his room, putting it back into order after the mess that had been created what seemed like years ago. Part of him was desperate just to see Jensen, maybe touch him. The other part of him, the winning part, was way too scared for that. What if Jensen acted like nothing had happened yesterday? Like they never shared a pizza snuggled together on the couch, kissed between bites and laughed at some silly movie Mike put on. What if he didn’t acknowledge that he had walked Jared downstairs, coming in just to kiss him goodnight and leaving with that special smile?
With a sigh Jared stopped smoothing the invisible wrinkles out of his bedcover and sat down on it instead. Jensen wouldn’t do that to him, would he? Problem was that he couldn’t shake the thought that there had been something in Jensen’s eyes last night that he hadn’t told Jared about. A possible shadow of doubt that only showed when he didn’t think Jared was looking. Jared couldn’t help to think it had something to do with his past and that Jensen wasn’t really sure about this.
He rubbed his fingers over the back of his hand and wondered if he should send Sandy another email. He’d already written her last night to give her an update on things and to tell her he’d survived another Halloween, but there were so much more he wanted to ask her. She always seemed to understand men better than he did, but as she hadn’t had time to answer his first message he decided it would be pointless to burden her with more of his problems.
He’d met Sandy at the hospital after the first time he’d tried to kill himself. She’d been seventeen at the time doing some sort of internship at the hospital because she was aiming to become a nurse. Tiny and waif-like, but with a smile like the sun she had been the only one able to coax an answering smile out of him. He’d liked her right away, at least as much as the darkness within would let him and she’d still been there when he tried a second time.
In a way Jared felt like he owed her his life, though he had never really told her that. At his worst his parents had not been able to get through to him, and seeing the worry or disappointment on their faces hadn’t mattered, hadn‘t stopped him. But Sandy had given him that patented look the first time she came in to his room after he’d woken up; a look that had gone straight to his heart. The next time he’d thought about it, he’d remembered Sandy’s smile and settled for only cutting another horizontal stripe of pain across his arm.
They hadn’t become friends until a couple of years later though, when he’d run into her in a store and they ended up talking for hours over coffee. She knew his story, knew how bad it had been but didn’t judge him and that made her safe. She’d gone off to complete her training, but they’d kept in touch and now she was working as a nurse for the Red Cross in Africa. They contacted each other mostly through emails these days and her internet access was unreliable at best. She would be home for Christmas though, and he longed to see her.
A knock on the door pulled Jared out of his thoughts, making him twitch slightly as he turned to look at it.
“Come in,” he said, kind of hoping that it was Chad or Alison coming for a chat. Not that he thought Chad would have the stomach to face him for another few days.
The door was pushed open and Tom walked in. “Hey,” he said, closing the door behind him. “I thought I’d pay you a visit to see which one of you I want to hit upside the head most.”
“Which one of who?” Jared asked with a frown.
“You or Jensen. I always want to hit Mike,” Tom said, leaning against Jared's desk with a grin.
“Why?” Jared said, still frowning.
“Because Jensen is behaving like he’s twelve years old, only he made me promise not to tell you that and I have a feeling you might not be that much older.”
“Hey,” Jared said, a smile creeping onto his lips. “I’m not acting like I’m twelve. I’m… uhm… thinking.”
“I figured,” Tom said with a smile. “So want to come upstairs? There is food…”
Jared swallowed. “Uhm… Yeah… I… What kinds of food?”
“Chinese. Jensen ordered those spring rolls you love…”
“For me?”
Tom laughed. “I would think so, even if he claims they are his. He hates them you know.”
Jared grinned. “You sure he wants to see me?”
Tom thwapped Jared upside the head. “You win,” he said. “At least Jensen didn’t actually ask.”
Jared rubbed his scalp. “I’m gonna tell him you hit me,” he said, sticking his tongue out.
Tom rolled his eyes. “You do that, little boy. Now come on, I’m starving.”
Jared still felt nervous as he followed Tom’s broad back upstairs, but Tom was a good guy and Jared knew his friend wouldn’t drag him upstairs just to be humiliated. Still he couldn’t stop his palms from sweating as Tom opened the door, and kept his eyes trained on his feet as he stepped inside.
“Hey,” Mike said. “It’s the lost son returning to the fold. Come here and give us a hug.”
Jared looked up to find Mike grinning at him from the couch. “I don’t think so,” he said. “Those look like grabby hands, and there’s no telling where they might go if I get too close.”
“Jenny would totally have my ass if I tried something inappropriate,” Mike said which made Jared blush miserably. The fact that their friends knew made the whole thing even worse.
“Yeah,” he murmured walking over to the couch and taking a seat as far from the insanely grinning Mike as he could. Jensen didn’t seem to be around and his heart lurched awkwardly as he wondered if the older man was avoiding him.
A hand to the back of his neck made him look up to find Jensen smiling down and him. “Hey,” Jensen said.
“Hey,” Jared answered dumbly, mesmerized but the smile on Jensen’s face. He really was too beautiful for words, inhumanely perfect, and Jared couldn’t for the life of him figure why Jensen would want him.
Jensen removed his hand and walked around the couch to sit down next to Jared, bringing his hand up again to touch the back of Jared's neck. Jared turned to look at him with a nervous smile, getting a kiss for his trouble.
“Too cute,” Mike said from beside them and Jared pulled away from the kiss with another blush, decidedly looking in the other direction.
“This is weird,” he said, nervously stroking his fingers across the back of his hand.
“Okay,” Tom said from somewhere behind them. “Come along Mike, we’re going out.”
“What?” Mike said. “But there is food.”
“I’m sure Jared will eat it for you,” Tom said. “We can go grab a bite somewhere.”
“You mean like a date,” Mike leered getting up from the couch.
“Whatever dude. You’re buying.”
“Just so you know… That makes you the girl.”
Jared looked up in time to see Tom roll his eyes as he grabbed his jacket. “It’s a new world, Mike, haven’t you heard. Sometimes the girl buys her man dinner.”
“Awww, you just want me to bend over for you,” Mike said as he grabbed his jacket as well.
Tom just sighed and pushed him out the door. Jared and Jensen shared an amused look, but then Jared remembered that everything was awkward and looked down on his hands again.
Jensen nudged him with his shoulder. “Look at me Jay,” he said and Jared forced himself to look up.
“If this is not what you want you have to tell me,” Jensen said.
“I…” Jared felt as if he was drowning in Jensen’s eyes. “I do want this… I just don’t know how to… What to… I never…” He took a deep breath. “I don’t know what’s expected of me.”
Jensen chuckled, cupping the side of Jared's face. “I don’t expect anything,” he said softly. “I just want to know for sure that yesterday wasn’t a fluke, or something you did just to make me happy.”
Whilst still nervous, Jared smiled, reaching up to keep Jensen’s hand against his face. “It was something I did to make me happy.”
Jensen bent closer and kissed him, just a quick almost chaste press of lips; not that there could ever be anything chaste about those lips. “We’ll take it slow,” he said.
Jared grinned. “We haven’t even been out on a date yet and we’re already at first base. That’s not slow in my book.”
Jensen snorted. “I ordered you spring rolls,” he said, nodding towards the table where the Chinese food was giving off its delicious smell. “That’s way beyond dating because I hate the damned things.”
“And that’s way beyond dating why?” Jared asked.
“Because I know I’ll have to taste them on your tongue later,” Jensen answered with a smirk that made Jared blush all the way down to his toes.
“You have the nicest blush,” Jensen murmured, trailing his fingers over Jared's blazing cheek. “Well all of you’s pretty damned nice.”
Jared’s face became even redder. “Can we eat now?” He more or less whined.
Jensen gave him another quick kiss and smiled. “Sure.”
Jared didn’t actually eat all of Mike's food, Jensen helped too, and everything suddenly felt alright again. They ate, kissed, bumped shoulders and laughed at the Friends marathon on TV. It felt like a normal evening in Suite 40 except for Jared's raging hard on and the fact that he got kissed every so often.
Jensen’s lips were silky soft and Jared didn’t exactly complain that his mouth tasted like sweet and sour sauce. He was quickly getting a hang of the whole kissing thing, or at least he hoped so. Jensen wasn’t complaining at least, kissing Jared slowly and lazily, taking his time to explore Jared's mouth with his slick wonderful tongue. Whenever the kisses got too heated Jensen backed off and let Jared breathe for a while, not wanting to take it further than Jared felt comfortable with.
Jared appreciated the concern but he couldn’t help to wonder how long Jensen would be okay with just kissing. He knew Jensen’s track record, even if he had a feeling Mike might have downplayed it to him. And if even half of what he had heard was true; Jensen was used to getting it on a regular basis from different people. At some point he would start asking for more and Jared wasn’t sure he could give it.
He wanted to have sex, wanted Jensen, but it would take time, maybe a lot of time, to get used to the thought.
“How long will this be enough for you?” He asked quietly between kisses.
“What do you mean?” Jensen queried.
“How long will it be okay to just kiss? A day, two days… A week? Three?”
“I don’t know,” Jensen answered. “I want everything you would give me, but I won’t ever ask for more than you are ready to give.”
Jared swallowed. “But what if I’m never ready?”
“Then we’ll deal with that.”
Jared frowned. “It can’t be that simple,” he said.
Jensen sighed. “No? I don’t know about you, but I’m willing to give this a shot. I don’t see the point though if you’re not even gonna try.”
“Well I’m sorry for being such a freak, okay? Maybe I’ll just mphf…”
Jensen cut Jared off quite successfully by kissing him, his tongue lapping at Jared's lips until he gave up the argument and opened up. Their tongues met halfway in a gentle battle for dominance until Jared let Jensen win. He was seriously out of breath when Jensen pulled away and looked at him.
“I don’t think you’re a freak,” Jensen said.
“And I do want to try this,” Jared responded.
They grinned at each other for a moment and then Jared slouched back into the comfort of the couch, not minding one bit when Jensen followed his lead snuggling into the crook of his arm.
“You’re such a girl,” Jared said affectionately.
Jensen punched him in the side and bit down on his shoulder, making Jared squirm and shove at him. Maybe this could work out after all.
Chapter Two