AU FIC: Comfort In Your Skin 2/?
Title: Comfort In Your Skin
Author: jeyhawk
Pairings/Characters: Jared/Jensen, Michael Rosenbaum, Tom Welling, Jeffrey Dean Morgan and others.
Rating: Overall NC17
Category: Romance, Angst, AU
Summary: Jared and Jensen negotiates the boundaries of their new relationship.
Disclaimer: I don't know them, own them or make any money from them. This is just a bunch of inventive lies.
Warnings: Dark themes (rape, abuse, self harm)! All in the past but they inpact the present.
Betas: ejayye and ames1010. Thanks for the awesome help ladies. :0)
Notes: This is the second installment in the Emo!Jared verse, following directly after Settling Into Now. Emo!Jared is back in business! ;0P
Chapter Specific Note: Chapter Two introduces Emo!Jensen... You know it was bound to happen, seriously, Jared's emo is contagious. Still there's some awkward sexxing because I'm awesome. :0P (See... The feedback is totally going to my head.)
Your handy guide to the emo!jared verse
Chapter Two
Two weeks later
It was Friday night in suite 40 and they were going out… again. It was getting to be a regular thing on the weekends and Jared didn’t like it at all. It had nothing to do with his old fears; he was way over them, Haven was a nice place and he was no longer afraid of freaking out. Having his secrets out in the open was more of a relief than he’d ever thought it would be, and he was actually enjoying himself when they went out.
No, the reason he didn’t want to go out was all to do with Jensen, and Jared’s own guilt for being the worst boyfriend in the history of the world. Jensen was wonderful, gorgeous, sweet and perfect while Jared was not. He wanted Jensen, oh God he wanted him, but he was just too scared to take that final step that would get them to having sex. He was scared of freaking out and of not being enough. No matter how they approached the subject he was pretty sure there would be awkwardness and he didn’t want that with Jensen.
It was stupid really, but Jared was scared that if he freaked out during sex that would mean the end of them and he couldn’t even tolerate the thought. Jensen never pushed him, never even brought the subject up, but Jared knew it was taking its toll on him. Jensen didn’t have to say it out loud. Jared knew by the way the other man was being snappish with his friends and progressively withdrawing from Jared faster and faster every time they kissed.
Going out together just made it worse. Jensen hardly drank, as if he was afraid of doing something stupid, and he rarely talked to people. He’d talk for a few minutes to those who walked up to him, of course, being his usual flirty, sunny self, but then his eyes would slide to Jared and he’d brush the person he was speaking with off. Just watching it made Jared feel crazy guilty. Sure he was jealous, a lot jealous even, but he didn’t want Jensen to become someone he wasn’t just for Jared’s sake.
He wanted Jensen to flirt and have fun, get silly drunk and gropey. Jared could deal with that. In fact, he was pretty sure he would be able to deal with Jensen fucking someone else, as he knew it would just be about letting off steam and not emotional involvement. He was the fuck up in this and he wanted Jensen to realise that.
“Are you going to emo over that beer all night?” Mike asked suddenly and Jared looked up.
“I’m not emoing,” he said quickly.
“You totally are,” Jensen said from the other side of him, ruffling his hair. “Care to tell me what’s wrong?”
“Not with the goofs around, no,” he said sticking his tongue out at Mike who retaliated with a wounded look.
“Care to tell me in private?”
Jensen’s voice was low and serious, and when Jared turned to face him he was frowning.
“It’s nothing,” Jared said, picking imaginary lint from Jensen’s t-shirt just because he wanted to touch him.
“Uh huh,” Jensen said, catching his hand and kissing the palm.
“Hand porn,” Mike piped up, making Tom laugh.
“I would totally perv over those hands if I were Jensen,” Allison said as she walked into the room, clutching a glass of something nasty looking.
The door was wide open, as usual, and people kept coming and going in a never-ending stream. Some of them Jared knew, like Allison, Sophia and Chad; others he recognized from the halls, and some he’d never laid eyes on in his life.
Jared glanced at Jensen and saw that he was indeed watching his hand. He spread his fingers, making Jensen twitch but he did not avert his gaze. Jared just smiled as his eyes were drawn to Sophia, walking in on Allison’s heels; the two girls had become fast friends. They were in several of Jared’s classes and he liked them both a lot.
He suddenly wondered if Sophia would sleep with Jensen again if he asked her to. It would be a pretty neat solution; he liked Sophia and knew she and Jensen weren’t into each other beyond the physical. Sophia had it bad for Chad, of all people, and Jensen, hopefully, had it bad for him.
“Seriously dude,” Jensen said, nudging him. “What are you thinking about?”
“Nothing,” Jared said with a slight blush, busying himself with his forgotten beer.
“Yeah, I can see that,” Jensen said and Jared could hear him mentally rolling his eyes.
“It’s just…” Jared turned to face Jensen, but immediately lost his nerve faced with that green-gold stare. “Nothing.”
Jensen sighed. “My room… Now.”
“Kinky,” Mike said behind Jared's back, and as he got up he regretted the fact that it wouldn’t be at all.
Jensen closed the door tight behind them, leaning on it to make sure no one could come in and simultaneously looking too hot for words. He was dressed in worn blue jeans and a green t-shirt that went spectacularly with his eyes, making Jared's mouth water with futile want. Could he really let someone else have all that? Then his eyes were drawn to the tenseness of Jensen’s shoulders and the tired smudges beneath his eyes, and he knew that if he couldn’t, he at least had to find a way for Jensen to have what he needed.
“You can fuck someone else if you want to,” he blurted out before he lost his nerve.
Jensen tensed. “What?!?”
“I know this whole no sex thing is making you unhappy and I just want you to be happy,” Jared clarified.
Jensen just stared at him. “You know what makes me unhappy?” Jensen asked, his jaw shifting as he clenched his teeth. “The fact that my boyfriend wants to pawn me off to someone else.”
Jared winced, but he never got the chance to clarify things because Jensen ripped the door open and slammed it after him as he went. An immediate wave of trapped, can’t get out claustrophobia washed over Jared, rooting him to the spot as he tried to convince his brain that the door wasn’t locked. He didn’t have time to succeed though before the door opened again, revealing Jensen.
Jensen didn’t say anything, turning his back and walking to the couch, but the fact that he had returned to open the door made Jared bleed inside. How could he have been so stupid? He hadn’t meant to hurt Jensen, had not in fact even considered the possibility that Jensen would be anything but relieved. Of course he didn’t want Jensen to fuck someone else, not really, the mere thought of it making bile rise in his throat. But he didn’t want him to be desperately unhappy either.
People turned to look at him as he walked out of the bedroom and he fidgeted uncomfortably. Everyone knew that he’d pissed off Jensen somehow and the guilt was weighing down on him. Reluctantly, he took a seat at the far end of the couch, as far away as he could possibly get from Jensen, and reached for a cold beer from the bowl of ice on the table. Both Mike and Tom were giving him funny looks but he ignored them in favour of fiddling with the label on the bottle. Every now and then he glanced at Jensen, but he wasn’t looking at Jared, instead busy drinking from his own bottle like he meant to lose himself fast.
“I think I’ll stay home,” Jared said later, as they were getting ready to leave for Haven, glancing as he spoke towards Jensen who was being helped to his feet by Tom and Alison.
“Oh no, you’re coming,” Mike said with his eyes on the same scene.
Jensen was drunk with a capital D, almost toppling over when Tom let him go. He still wasn’t looking at him and it was slowly eating Jared up inside. He’d been such an asshole to Jensen that he couldn’t even believe it himself.
“What did you say to him?” Mike hissed. “I haven’t seen him in this bad a shape for years.”
Jared winced. “I told him he could fuck someone else if he wanted to,” he muttered.
Mike stared at him. “You what? Are you out of your mind?”
“I didn’t want to hurt him,” Jared defended himself. “I just wanted him to be happy.”
Mike clenched his teeth and shoved him in the chest hard enough for Jared to fall back down on the couch. “Idiot,” he growled.
“Hey,” Jensen slurred from the other end of the couch. “What the fuck’re ya doin’, Mike?”
“Knocking some sense into your boyfriend here,” Mike responded, giving Jared an angry look.
Jared swallowed and looked away. He didn’t even know if Jensen was his boyfriend anymore. He’d just wanted to give him everything he needed, even if it was something Jared couldn‘t himself give Jensen, but had only ended up making him miserable instead. Slowly, he got up from the couch, eyeing Mike warily to see if he would get pushed down again, but Mike was moving away from him and sliding in under Jensen’s arm.
“Ready to go, hot shot?” He asked, grinning when Jensen nodded.
Jared reluctantly followed them, getting a concerned look from Tom that he ignored. He wasn’t worthy of anyone’s concern.
Despite the fact that one in their company certainly wasn’t fit for clubbing, the bouncers at Haven let them in without hesitation, Jared walking half a step behind them as they made their way up the stairs. Alison and Sophia were both falling behind to meet his stride, giving curious looks that he ignored. He just wanted to be back in the dorms with Jensen not hurting and safely tucked into bed.
Jensen sobered up some as soon as they arrived at their usual table, and began flirting outrageously with everyone that came close enough. Jared wondered how he could have ever been stupid enough to think he could face knowing that Jensen slept with someone else, because he wanted to rip apart every person that fell prey to Jensen’s charm.
Knowing that he had no one but himself to blame simply made him sick to his stomach, and didn’t make the jealousy any easier to handle. When the blonde girl that Jensen had made out with the first time they went out ended up on Jensen’s lap, he excused himself and went to the bathroom. After splashing copious amounts of cold water on his flushed face, he looked up at his mirror image and hated the guy who looked back.
If Jensen went home with that no good piece of trash, he didn’t know what he would do. He wasn’t that big on public displays of affection; it was one thing back in the dorms where pretty much everyone knew about them, but in a club with hundreds of unknown people around was a completely different story.
Usually, when they went out it was enough to exchange looks and fleeting touches for Jared to feel safe in the knowledge that Jensen was thinking about him, but now he wanted to fall into Jensen’s lap and kiss the life out of him. He grimaced at his reflection one last time before turning the water off and going back into the main part of the club.
Tom was waiting for him just outside the men’s room with a serious look on his face. Jared figured he was going to get told off again, so he dutifully stopped next to his friend.
“Mike told me,” Tom said simply and Jared nodded.
“If you want to hit me that’s fine,” Jared said, lifting his chin.
Tom chuckled. “I don’t want to hit you,” he said kindly. “In a way it was a nice thing you tried to do. Stupid, but nice.”
“Tell me about it,” Jared muttered, shaking his head.
“Jensen’s… He’s… Years ago there was this guy that Jensen was… dating.”
Jealousy flared within Jared again, but he nodded.
“Jen was really into him, you know? Almost as head over heels as he is for you now, but the guy… he didn’t feel quite the same way.”
Jared closed his eyes, hanging his head in shame. “And now he thinks that I don’t either,” he said slowly.
“I would think so,” Tom said. “Now between you and me… I know that ain’t true.”
Jared grinned. “That obvious, huh?”
“Oh yeah.”
Jared snorted. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure,” Tom said, leaning back against the wall.
“When is it okay to whip out the big three words?”
Tom smiled. “It’s always okay.”
Jared smiled back. He did love Jensen, and had there been any doubts before, they had been smashed in the face of tonight’s red hot jealousy, but he didn’t think Jensen would believe him if he told him now. Still it was time to take back what was his, one way or another.
Together they went back into the VIP room. The girl was still perched on Jensen’s lap and Jared decided he hated everything about her. She was dressed in the same skanky red dress she’d worn the last time they saw her and Jared figured she was too dense to figure out how to get out of it. Unless she tried to in order to sleep with Jensen.
He went up to the table, pulling himself up to his full height, positively looming over the girl as she looked up at him in confusion.
“Excuse me,” he said icily. “I think you’ve borrowed my boyfriend for long enough now.”
“Your boyfriend…” She gave Jensen a confused look. “You’re gay?”
Jensen didn’t answer, looking up at Jared with a lopsided grin.
“Jensen,” she said, shoving at him. “Is he your boyfriend?”
“He is now,” Jensen said, still looking up at Jared.
The girl made a disgusted sound and slid off Jensen’s lap, shouldering her way past Jared. Jared didn’t watch her leave. Instead, he slid down next to Jensen and threw an arm around his shoulders, pressing a kiss to a deliciously freckled ear.
“Sorry,” he murmured. “Took me long enough to figure it out.”
“S’okay,” Jensen answered, turning his head to press their lips together whilst curling his fingers around Jared's leg.
The kiss was sloppy, wet and messy but still hot, especially with the way Jensen’s fingers flexed on his thigh. Prior to this evening there had rarely been any groping involved when they kissed, Jensen being way too considerate and Jared too nervous. Now when they broke apart, Jared felt hot all over and Jensen was smiling at him. Something inside of Jared settled and the knot in his stomach untied itself; somehow he’d managed to make things all right again.
Jensen was a cute, snuggly drunk. His hands were practically everywhere until Jared batted them off and guided them to allowed places. One hand tucked into the back of his jeans, fingers lazily stroking the soft downy hair they found there, while the other hand was held captive by Jared. Every now and then he had to nudge Jensen to stop his attempts to get his entire hand into Jared's pants, but otherwise it was perfect.
Jared was aware of Mike and Tom giving them awww looks from the other side of the table, but he ignored them to focus all of his attention on Jensen. In addition to the groping, he also needed to keep him from drinking even more. He was plenty drunk as it was, and certainly didn’t require a refill.
Eventually the night got to an end and they shared a cab back to the dorm. Mike was hosting an after party that Jared had begged out of with the excuse that the night had been long enough as it was. As the rest of their group ambled up the stairs to the third floor, Jared stopped on the second. Jensen, who was already draped all over him, stopped too, pushing Jared up against the wall and kissing him.
For half a second Jared's brain supplied him with the trapped can’t get away line, but then it changed record to hot, hot, hot, want and he pulled Jensen closer. If it weren’t for the fact that Jensen’s liver might get damaged, Jared would have totally rooted for him to be drunk everyday. Jensen straightened up, smoothing his hands over the front of Jared's shirt.
“I guess this is goodnight,” he said, looking up at Jared.
“Yeah,” Jared answered, still slightly out of breath. “I guess it is.”
Jensen blinked, grabbing Jared's belt loops and pulling him closer. Jared bent down and kissed him again, cradling Jensen’s head in his hands as he plundered his mouth. Jensen’s erection was digging into his thigh and he couldn’t get enough of the other man’s hot, pliant mouth. He tasted like whiskey, Southern Comfort, Jaeger and himself in an intoxicating mix that made Jared feel as drunk as Jensen was.
He forced himself to pull away again, straightening up and leaning back against the wall with a sigh. It was beyond hard work being the responsible one and he wasn’t really very good at it. He could feel his mixed up emotions spiralling out of control and was afraid they were going to do something they would regret later. Nonetheless, it was hard to turn Jensen away when he was rubbing up against him in such a breathtaking manner, panting hotly against Jared's collarbone.
“Enough,” Jared said, trying for firm, but coming off as unsure.
Jensen made a pained little sound in the back of his throat, wrapping his arms around Jared and just hugging him.
“I know,” Jared mumbled, cupping the back of Jensen’s skull.
After a few moments, Jensen straightened up and let him go. Jared immediately missed the warmth of him against his body, but he didn’t pull him back. Jensen smiled a little, looking more lost than Jared had ever seen him and he had a feeling he was hurting him again.
“I…” he began but there was no logical place to end that sentence. “Goodnight.”
“Night,” Jensen said, that shadow of pain still clouding his eyes.
Jared wanted to ask him what he was doing wrong, if this had something to do with that guy Tom had told him about, but he couldn’t get the words out. He wasn’t pushing Jensen away to hurt him or because he didn’t want him, but because he was scared. Scared that he would freak out when Jensen wasn’t in a state to realize and back off, scared of doing something wrong, and scared that Jensen would hate him in the morning.
Giving Jensen one last smile that Jared hoped conveyed everything he was feeling, Jared pushed away from the wall and started walking down the hall - Jensen’s eyes drilling holes into his back as he watched Jared walk away. Jared stopped with the hand on his doorknob, turning to look at Jensen who was still staring after him like a lost puppy.
He took a deep breath, running through his internal list of why sex was such a bad idea at this point. Then he glanced at Jensen again, who really wasn’t displaying anything like his normal self-assuredness at the moment, and wondered if he would fuck things up by not giving Jensen what he wanted. He decided he didn’t dare risk it and chose to trust that Jensen, however drunk he was, would stop if Jared said no.
“C’mere,” he said and Jensen was by his side in two seconds flat.
Jared snorted and pushed the door open, quickly closing it behind them by slamming Jensen up against it and kissing him. He couldn’t analyse it anymore because he was only going to freak out, and besides, everything felt so right when Jensen’s lips were against his. Jensen whimpered as Jared pushed his leg between his thighs and pressed against the erection he found there. It was burning Jared's leg through both their jeans and was the hottest thing he had ever experienced.
Of course he knew that kissing turned Jensen on, but really acknowledging the fact that he was doing this to Jensen was making Jared harder than ever before, his own cock straining against the zipper of his jeans. He let his hands explore Jensen’s body, flattening them over his chest, running them down his stomach and then sliding them around Jensen to cup his ass, pulling him into Jared's body.
They both groaned at that and Jensen latched his lips onto Jared's neck, sucking hard enough to bruise. Jared didn’t push him away, letting one of his hands slide in under Jensen’s t-shirt to span over his lower back. Jensen’s head banged back against the door and Jared looked up, the heat in the other man’s eyes making his mouth go dry.
“Jared,” Jensen all but whined, pushing his hips more insistently against Jared's thigh.
Swallowing thickly, Jared moved his hand from Jensen’s ass to his front instead, daringly cupping Jensen through his pants; the thick, hard weight of Jensen’s cock pressed against his hand.
Jensen whimpered again and his blunt fingernails dug into Jared's upper arms. Without letting himself think about it, Jared popped the button of Jensen’s jeans, grabbing the zipper and sliding it down with a dry rasp of metal against metal. Jensen was panting already, rocking his hips against Jared's leg. Jared closed his eyes and slid his hand into Jensen’s boxers, but opened them immediately to reassure himself of who he was with when the silky, hard feel of someone else’s cock in his hand made half forgotten memories pour into his mind. He locked his eyes on Jensen’s flushed face as he gently pulled him out of his boxers, only glancing down once to look at the hard cock resting in his hand.
Jensen groaned when Jared shifted his fist, tightening his grip on the shaft and Jared thought it might be the most beautiful sound he ever heard, his own cock twitching vainly. He let his free hand slide up around Jensen’s shoulders to pull him in for a kiss, while his other pulled experimentally on the other man’s erection. Jensen moaned into his mouth, the pleasure-filled sound dying against Jared's tongue, and Jared thought he might just come himself.
In the end it was fast, hard and messy. Jared pushing Jensen up against the door as he thrust against his hip, while his hand worked Jensen’s leaking cock. Jensen was way too far gone to mind, his fingers gripping Jared's shoulders, pulling him ever closer while his mouth worked against Jared's neck, panting wetly. They came virtually at the same time, Jensen’s come spilling over Jared's hand, seconds before he creamed his pants with one last thrust against Jensen’s hip.
They locked eyes for a second before Jensen rolled back in his head and he slid bonelessly to the floor. Jared cushioned his fall as best as he could, and made sure he’d done nothing more than passed out. There was come on his hand, his shirt and in his pants. He wrinkled his nose, leaving Jensen on the floor to wash his hands. Looking up at his reflection, in a move that mirrored his earlier episode on the floor above, he grinned so widely his face was almost split in two. He’d made Jensen come; he’d given him what he so desperately wanted without freaking out or fucking up.
It might be some time before he dared to do it while looking into Jensen's eyes and really seeing the man he loved there, but it was a huge first step and he’d taken it. The thought of letting Jensen see him naked and vulnerable was still scary, but the idea didn’t have the same tinge of panic that it had carried just hours ago. Still smiling, he went back into the bedroom and hoisted Jensen up from the floor, putting him down on his bed. He pressed a kiss to his forehead and pulled a blanket over him. Still smiling to himself, he grabbed a piece of paper and penned down a note, putting it on the pillow next to Jensen’s head, before turning and leaving the room.
Chapter Three
Author: jeyhawk
Pairings/Characters: Jared/Jensen, Michael Rosenbaum, Tom Welling, Jeffrey Dean Morgan and others.
Rating: Overall NC17
Category: Romance, Angst, AU
Summary: Jared and Jensen negotiates the boundaries of their new relationship.
Disclaimer: I don't know them, own them or make any money from them. This is just a bunch of inventive lies.
Warnings: Dark themes (rape, abuse, self harm)! All in the past but they inpact the present.
Betas: ejayye and ames1010. Thanks for the awesome help ladies. :0)
Notes: This is the second installment in the Emo!Jared verse, following directly after Settling Into Now. Emo!Jared is back in business! ;0P
Chapter Specific Note: Chapter Two introduces Emo!Jensen... You know it was bound to happen, seriously, Jared's emo is contagious. Still there's some awkward sexxing because I'm awesome. :0P (See... The feedback is totally going to my head.)
Your handy guide to the emo!jared verse
Chapter Two
Two weeks later
It was Friday night in suite 40 and they were going out… again. It was getting to be a regular thing on the weekends and Jared didn’t like it at all. It had nothing to do with his old fears; he was way over them, Haven was a nice place and he was no longer afraid of freaking out. Having his secrets out in the open was more of a relief than he’d ever thought it would be, and he was actually enjoying himself when they went out.
No, the reason he didn’t want to go out was all to do with Jensen, and Jared’s own guilt for being the worst boyfriend in the history of the world. Jensen was wonderful, gorgeous, sweet and perfect while Jared was not. He wanted Jensen, oh God he wanted him, but he was just too scared to take that final step that would get them to having sex. He was scared of freaking out and of not being enough. No matter how they approached the subject he was pretty sure there would be awkwardness and he didn’t want that with Jensen.
It was stupid really, but Jared was scared that if he freaked out during sex that would mean the end of them and he couldn’t even tolerate the thought. Jensen never pushed him, never even brought the subject up, but Jared knew it was taking its toll on him. Jensen didn’t have to say it out loud. Jared knew by the way the other man was being snappish with his friends and progressively withdrawing from Jared faster and faster every time they kissed.
Going out together just made it worse. Jensen hardly drank, as if he was afraid of doing something stupid, and he rarely talked to people. He’d talk for a few minutes to those who walked up to him, of course, being his usual flirty, sunny self, but then his eyes would slide to Jared and he’d brush the person he was speaking with off. Just watching it made Jared feel crazy guilty. Sure he was jealous, a lot jealous even, but he didn’t want Jensen to become someone he wasn’t just for Jared’s sake.
He wanted Jensen to flirt and have fun, get silly drunk and gropey. Jared could deal with that. In fact, he was pretty sure he would be able to deal with Jensen fucking someone else, as he knew it would just be about letting off steam and not emotional involvement. He was the fuck up in this and he wanted Jensen to realise that.
“Are you going to emo over that beer all night?” Mike asked suddenly and Jared looked up.
“I’m not emoing,” he said quickly.
“You totally are,” Jensen said from the other side of him, ruffling his hair. “Care to tell me what’s wrong?”
“Not with the goofs around, no,” he said sticking his tongue out at Mike who retaliated with a wounded look.
“Care to tell me in private?”
Jensen’s voice was low and serious, and when Jared turned to face him he was frowning.
“It’s nothing,” Jared said, picking imaginary lint from Jensen’s t-shirt just because he wanted to touch him.
“Uh huh,” Jensen said, catching his hand and kissing the palm.
“Hand porn,” Mike piped up, making Tom laugh.
“I would totally perv over those hands if I were Jensen,” Allison said as she walked into the room, clutching a glass of something nasty looking.
The door was wide open, as usual, and people kept coming and going in a never-ending stream. Some of them Jared knew, like Allison, Sophia and Chad; others he recognized from the halls, and some he’d never laid eyes on in his life.
Jared glanced at Jensen and saw that he was indeed watching his hand. He spread his fingers, making Jensen twitch but he did not avert his gaze. Jared just smiled as his eyes were drawn to Sophia, walking in on Allison’s heels; the two girls had become fast friends. They were in several of Jared’s classes and he liked them both a lot.
He suddenly wondered if Sophia would sleep with Jensen again if he asked her to. It would be a pretty neat solution; he liked Sophia and knew she and Jensen weren’t into each other beyond the physical. Sophia had it bad for Chad, of all people, and Jensen, hopefully, had it bad for him.
“Seriously dude,” Jensen said, nudging him. “What are you thinking about?”
“Nothing,” Jared said with a slight blush, busying himself with his forgotten beer.
“Yeah, I can see that,” Jensen said and Jared could hear him mentally rolling his eyes.
“It’s just…” Jared turned to face Jensen, but immediately lost his nerve faced with that green-gold stare. “Nothing.”
Jensen sighed. “My room… Now.”
“Kinky,” Mike said behind Jared's back, and as he got up he regretted the fact that it wouldn’t be at all.
Jensen closed the door tight behind them, leaning on it to make sure no one could come in and simultaneously looking too hot for words. He was dressed in worn blue jeans and a green t-shirt that went spectacularly with his eyes, making Jared's mouth water with futile want. Could he really let someone else have all that? Then his eyes were drawn to the tenseness of Jensen’s shoulders and the tired smudges beneath his eyes, and he knew that if he couldn’t, he at least had to find a way for Jensen to have what he needed.
“You can fuck someone else if you want to,” he blurted out before he lost his nerve.
Jensen tensed. “What?!?”
“I know this whole no sex thing is making you unhappy and I just want you to be happy,” Jared clarified.
Jensen just stared at him. “You know what makes me unhappy?” Jensen asked, his jaw shifting as he clenched his teeth. “The fact that my boyfriend wants to pawn me off to someone else.”
Jared winced, but he never got the chance to clarify things because Jensen ripped the door open and slammed it after him as he went. An immediate wave of trapped, can’t get out claustrophobia washed over Jared, rooting him to the spot as he tried to convince his brain that the door wasn’t locked. He didn’t have time to succeed though before the door opened again, revealing Jensen.
Jensen didn’t say anything, turning his back and walking to the couch, but the fact that he had returned to open the door made Jared bleed inside. How could he have been so stupid? He hadn’t meant to hurt Jensen, had not in fact even considered the possibility that Jensen would be anything but relieved. Of course he didn’t want Jensen to fuck someone else, not really, the mere thought of it making bile rise in his throat. But he didn’t want him to be desperately unhappy either.
People turned to look at him as he walked out of the bedroom and he fidgeted uncomfortably. Everyone knew that he’d pissed off Jensen somehow and the guilt was weighing down on him. Reluctantly, he took a seat at the far end of the couch, as far away as he could possibly get from Jensen, and reached for a cold beer from the bowl of ice on the table. Both Mike and Tom were giving him funny looks but he ignored them in favour of fiddling with the label on the bottle. Every now and then he glanced at Jensen, but he wasn’t looking at Jared, instead busy drinking from his own bottle like he meant to lose himself fast.
“I think I’ll stay home,” Jared said later, as they were getting ready to leave for Haven, glancing as he spoke towards Jensen who was being helped to his feet by Tom and Alison.
“Oh no, you’re coming,” Mike said with his eyes on the same scene.
Jensen was drunk with a capital D, almost toppling over when Tom let him go. He still wasn’t looking at him and it was slowly eating Jared up inside. He’d been such an asshole to Jensen that he couldn’t even believe it himself.
“What did you say to him?” Mike hissed. “I haven’t seen him in this bad a shape for years.”
Jared winced. “I told him he could fuck someone else if he wanted to,” he muttered.
Mike stared at him. “You what? Are you out of your mind?”
“I didn’t want to hurt him,” Jared defended himself. “I just wanted him to be happy.”
Mike clenched his teeth and shoved him in the chest hard enough for Jared to fall back down on the couch. “Idiot,” he growled.
“Hey,” Jensen slurred from the other end of the couch. “What the fuck’re ya doin’, Mike?”
“Knocking some sense into your boyfriend here,” Mike responded, giving Jared an angry look.
Jared swallowed and looked away. He didn’t even know if Jensen was his boyfriend anymore. He’d just wanted to give him everything he needed, even if it was something Jared couldn‘t himself give Jensen, but had only ended up making him miserable instead. Slowly, he got up from the couch, eyeing Mike warily to see if he would get pushed down again, but Mike was moving away from him and sliding in under Jensen’s arm.
“Ready to go, hot shot?” He asked, grinning when Jensen nodded.
Jared reluctantly followed them, getting a concerned look from Tom that he ignored. He wasn’t worthy of anyone’s concern.
Despite the fact that one in their company certainly wasn’t fit for clubbing, the bouncers at Haven let them in without hesitation, Jared walking half a step behind them as they made their way up the stairs. Alison and Sophia were both falling behind to meet his stride, giving curious looks that he ignored. He just wanted to be back in the dorms with Jensen not hurting and safely tucked into bed.
Jensen sobered up some as soon as they arrived at their usual table, and began flirting outrageously with everyone that came close enough. Jared wondered how he could have ever been stupid enough to think he could face knowing that Jensen slept with someone else, because he wanted to rip apart every person that fell prey to Jensen’s charm.
Knowing that he had no one but himself to blame simply made him sick to his stomach, and didn’t make the jealousy any easier to handle. When the blonde girl that Jensen had made out with the first time they went out ended up on Jensen’s lap, he excused himself and went to the bathroom. After splashing copious amounts of cold water on his flushed face, he looked up at his mirror image and hated the guy who looked back.
If Jensen went home with that no good piece of trash, he didn’t know what he would do. He wasn’t that big on public displays of affection; it was one thing back in the dorms where pretty much everyone knew about them, but in a club with hundreds of unknown people around was a completely different story.
Usually, when they went out it was enough to exchange looks and fleeting touches for Jared to feel safe in the knowledge that Jensen was thinking about him, but now he wanted to fall into Jensen’s lap and kiss the life out of him. He grimaced at his reflection one last time before turning the water off and going back into the main part of the club.
Tom was waiting for him just outside the men’s room with a serious look on his face. Jared figured he was going to get told off again, so he dutifully stopped next to his friend.
“Mike told me,” Tom said simply and Jared nodded.
“If you want to hit me that’s fine,” Jared said, lifting his chin.
Tom chuckled. “I don’t want to hit you,” he said kindly. “In a way it was a nice thing you tried to do. Stupid, but nice.”
“Tell me about it,” Jared muttered, shaking his head.
“Jensen’s… He’s… Years ago there was this guy that Jensen was… dating.”
Jealousy flared within Jared again, but he nodded.
“Jen was really into him, you know? Almost as head over heels as he is for you now, but the guy… he didn’t feel quite the same way.”
Jared closed his eyes, hanging his head in shame. “And now he thinks that I don’t either,” he said slowly.
“I would think so,” Tom said. “Now between you and me… I know that ain’t true.”
Jared grinned. “That obvious, huh?”
“Oh yeah.”
Jared snorted. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure,” Tom said, leaning back against the wall.
“When is it okay to whip out the big three words?”
Tom smiled. “It’s always okay.”
Jared smiled back. He did love Jensen, and had there been any doubts before, they had been smashed in the face of tonight’s red hot jealousy, but he didn’t think Jensen would believe him if he told him now. Still it was time to take back what was his, one way or another.
Together they went back into the VIP room. The girl was still perched on Jensen’s lap and Jared decided he hated everything about her. She was dressed in the same skanky red dress she’d worn the last time they saw her and Jared figured she was too dense to figure out how to get out of it. Unless she tried to in order to sleep with Jensen.
He went up to the table, pulling himself up to his full height, positively looming over the girl as she looked up at him in confusion.
“Excuse me,” he said icily. “I think you’ve borrowed my boyfriend for long enough now.”
“Your boyfriend…” She gave Jensen a confused look. “You’re gay?”
Jensen didn’t answer, looking up at Jared with a lopsided grin.
“Jensen,” she said, shoving at him. “Is he your boyfriend?”
“He is now,” Jensen said, still looking up at Jared.
The girl made a disgusted sound and slid off Jensen’s lap, shouldering her way past Jared. Jared didn’t watch her leave. Instead, he slid down next to Jensen and threw an arm around his shoulders, pressing a kiss to a deliciously freckled ear.
“Sorry,” he murmured. “Took me long enough to figure it out.”
“S’okay,” Jensen answered, turning his head to press their lips together whilst curling his fingers around Jared's leg.
The kiss was sloppy, wet and messy but still hot, especially with the way Jensen’s fingers flexed on his thigh. Prior to this evening there had rarely been any groping involved when they kissed, Jensen being way too considerate and Jared too nervous. Now when they broke apart, Jared felt hot all over and Jensen was smiling at him. Something inside of Jared settled and the knot in his stomach untied itself; somehow he’d managed to make things all right again.
Jensen was a cute, snuggly drunk. His hands were practically everywhere until Jared batted them off and guided them to allowed places. One hand tucked into the back of his jeans, fingers lazily stroking the soft downy hair they found there, while the other hand was held captive by Jared. Every now and then he had to nudge Jensen to stop his attempts to get his entire hand into Jared's pants, but otherwise it was perfect.
Jared was aware of Mike and Tom giving them awww looks from the other side of the table, but he ignored them to focus all of his attention on Jensen. In addition to the groping, he also needed to keep him from drinking even more. He was plenty drunk as it was, and certainly didn’t require a refill.
Eventually the night got to an end and they shared a cab back to the dorm. Mike was hosting an after party that Jared had begged out of with the excuse that the night had been long enough as it was. As the rest of their group ambled up the stairs to the third floor, Jared stopped on the second. Jensen, who was already draped all over him, stopped too, pushing Jared up against the wall and kissing him.
For half a second Jared's brain supplied him with the trapped can’t get away line, but then it changed record to hot, hot, hot, want and he pulled Jensen closer. If it weren’t for the fact that Jensen’s liver might get damaged, Jared would have totally rooted for him to be drunk everyday. Jensen straightened up, smoothing his hands over the front of Jared's shirt.
“I guess this is goodnight,” he said, looking up at Jared.
“Yeah,” Jared answered, still slightly out of breath. “I guess it is.”
Jensen blinked, grabbing Jared's belt loops and pulling him closer. Jared bent down and kissed him again, cradling Jensen’s head in his hands as he plundered his mouth. Jensen’s erection was digging into his thigh and he couldn’t get enough of the other man’s hot, pliant mouth. He tasted like whiskey, Southern Comfort, Jaeger and himself in an intoxicating mix that made Jared feel as drunk as Jensen was.
He forced himself to pull away again, straightening up and leaning back against the wall with a sigh. It was beyond hard work being the responsible one and he wasn’t really very good at it. He could feel his mixed up emotions spiralling out of control and was afraid they were going to do something they would regret later. Nonetheless, it was hard to turn Jensen away when he was rubbing up against him in such a breathtaking manner, panting hotly against Jared's collarbone.
“Enough,” Jared said, trying for firm, but coming off as unsure.
Jensen made a pained little sound in the back of his throat, wrapping his arms around Jared and just hugging him.
“I know,” Jared mumbled, cupping the back of Jensen’s skull.
After a few moments, Jensen straightened up and let him go. Jared immediately missed the warmth of him against his body, but he didn’t pull him back. Jensen smiled a little, looking more lost than Jared had ever seen him and he had a feeling he was hurting him again.
“I…” he began but there was no logical place to end that sentence. “Goodnight.”
“Night,” Jensen said, that shadow of pain still clouding his eyes.
Jared wanted to ask him what he was doing wrong, if this had something to do with that guy Tom had told him about, but he couldn’t get the words out. He wasn’t pushing Jensen away to hurt him or because he didn’t want him, but because he was scared. Scared that he would freak out when Jensen wasn’t in a state to realize and back off, scared of doing something wrong, and scared that Jensen would hate him in the morning.
Giving Jensen one last smile that Jared hoped conveyed everything he was feeling, Jared pushed away from the wall and started walking down the hall - Jensen’s eyes drilling holes into his back as he watched Jared walk away. Jared stopped with the hand on his doorknob, turning to look at Jensen who was still staring after him like a lost puppy.
He took a deep breath, running through his internal list of why sex was such a bad idea at this point. Then he glanced at Jensen again, who really wasn’t displaying anything like his normal self-assuredness at the moment, and wondered if he would fuck things up by not giving Jensen what he wanted. He decided he didn’t dare risk it and chose to trust that Jensen, however drunk he was, would stop if Jared said no.
“C’mere,” he said and Jensen was by his side in two seconds flat.
Jared snorted and pushed the door open, quickly closing it behind them by slamming Jensen up against it and kissing him. He couldn’t analyse it anymore because he was only going to freak out, and besides, everything felt so right when Jensen’s lips were against his. Jensen whimpered as Jared pushed his leg between his thighs and pressed against the erection he found there. It was burning Jared's leg through both their jeans and was the hottest thing he had ever experienced.
Of course he knew that kissing turned Jensen on, but really acknowledging the fact that he was doing this to Jensen was making Jared harder than ever before, his own cock straining against the zipper of his jeans. He let his hands explore Jensen’s body, flattening them over his chest, running them down his stomach and then sliding them around Jensen to cup his ass, pulling him into Jared's body.
They both groaned at that and Jensen latched his lips onto Jared's neck, sucking hard enough to bruise. Jared didn’t push him away, letting one of his hands slide in under Jensen’s t-shirt to span over his lower back. Jensen’s head banged back against the door and Jared looked up, the heat in the other man’s eyes making his mouth go dry.
“Jared,” Jensen all but whined, pushing his hips more insistently against Jared's thigh.
Swallowing thickly, Jared moved his hand from Jensen’s ass to his front instead, daringly cupping Jensen through his pants; the thick, hard weight of Jensen’s cock pressed against his hand.
Jensen whimpered again and his blunt fingernails dug into Jared's upper arms. Without letting himself think about it, Jared popped the button of Jensen’s jeans, grabbing the zipper and sliding it down with a dry rasp of metal against metal. Jensen was panting already, rocking his hips against Jared's leg. Jared closed his eyes and slid his hand into Jensen’s boxers, but opened them immediately to reassure himself of who he was with when the silky, hard feel of someone else’s cock in his hand made half forgotten memories pour into his mind. He locked his eyes on Jensen’s flushed face as he gently pulled him out of his boxers, only glancing down once to look at the hard cock resting in his hand.
Jensen groaned when Jared shifted his fist, tightening his grip on the shaft and Jared thought it might be the most beautiful sound he ever heard, his own cock twitching vainly. He let his free hand slide up around Jensen’s shoulders to pull him in for a kiss, while his other pulled experimentally on the other man’s erection. Jensen moaned into his mouth, the pleasure-filled sound dying against Jared's tongue, and Jared thought he might just come himself.
In the end it was fast, hard and messy. Jared pushing Jensen up against the door as he thrust against his hip, while his hand worked Jensen’s leaking cock. Jensen was way too far gone to mind, his fingers gripping Jared's shoulders, pulling him ever closer while his mouth worked against Jared's neck, panting wetly. They came virtually at the same time, Jensen’s come spilling over Jared's hand, seconds before he creamed his pants with one last thrust against Jensen’s hip.
They locked eyes for a second before Jensen rolled back in his head and he slid bonelessly to the floor. Jared cushioned his fall as best as he could, and made sure he’d done nothing more than passed out. There was come on his hand, his shirt and in his pants. He wrinkled his nose, leaving Jensen on the floor to wash his hands. Looking up at his reflection, in a move that mirrored his earlier episode on the floor above, he grinned so widely his face was almost split in two. He’d made Jensen come; he’d given him what he so desperately wanted without freaking out or fucking up.
It might be some time before he dared to do it while looking into Jensen's eyes and really seeing the man he loved there, but it was a huge first step and he’d taken it. The thought of letting Jensen see him naked and vulnerable was still scary, but the idea didn’t have the same tinge of panic that it had carried just hours ago. Still smiling, he went back into the bedroom and hoisted Jensen up from the floor, putting him down on his bed. He pressed a kiss to his forehead and pulled a blanket over him. Still smiling to himself, he grabbed a piece of paper and penned down a note, putting it on the pillow next to Jensen’s head, before turning and leaving the room.
Chapter Three