Five Minute Iron Man
Just because I loved this movie, doesn't mean I'm not willing to spork it.
SCENE: A convoy of HUMVEES is traveling across the Afghanistan desert
Stark (drinking a burbon): Hi, I’m Tony Stark, your designated misogynistic, alcoholic anti-hero.
Soldiers: You’re so cool.
Stark: Thanks. Sorry about what’s going to happen in ten seconds.
Soldiers: Say what?
An IED takes out the front Hummer. The soldiers with Tony are quickly killed, while he panics and runs out to find cover in the rocks. Unfortunately a bomblet with a “Stark Industries” logo lands right beside him.
Stark: Oh, sweet irony…
BOOM.
SCENE: Flashback to the Exciting Life of Tony Stark
Rhodey: The mere fact you have a retractable pole installed in your private jet for your stewardesses to dance on says a lot about you.
Stark: That I’m living every guy’s fantasy?
Rhodey: That you’re even more obnoxious than Austin Powers.
SCENE: Some time later in the Cave of Science.
Stark: Ow. Why do I have an electromagnet in my chest?
Yensin: The good news is it’s keeping the shrapnel entering your heart.
Stark: And the bad news?
Yensin: You’re never going to get close enough to a computer to play Minesweeper again.
Stark: TERRORIST BASTARDS!
Terrorist: Hi, we want you to build a copy of that missile you demonstrated for the army.
Stark: Uh, why? Especially given you have every other piece of equipment out of the Stark Industries Christmas catalog.
Terrorist: Um… Look, it’ll make sense around Reel Four, m’kay?
SCENE: Overlong bit with Tony and Yensin building Iron Man Mk. 1. Along the way Tony cracks that whole Cold Fusion problem pretty much in passing.
Pretty Terrorist: Are you boys building a suit of armor instead of our missile?
Tony: No, Mom!
Pretty Terrorist: Are you planning an incredibly destructive breakout to allow you to reach an epiphany after your mentor is tragically killed?
Tony: No, Mom!
Yensin: Um, wait a minute…
SCENE: Tony gets stuck watching a progress bar while Yensin does his imitation of Han Solo chasing storm troopers through the Death Star. The terrorists enter, meeting a none too happy Stark.
Tony: Hello, everyone. Prepare to meet my FLAMETHROWERS OF JUSTICE!
Yensin: Hi, I’m dead. But that’s okay, because my whole family is already dead anyway.
Tony: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Deep breath
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
SCENE: Tony pretty much wastes the entire terrorist camp, except for Pretty Boy and the Lead Terrorist. Then he flies off in his rocket boots, crash landing into a sand dune at a velocity that should have killed him.
Tony: Okay, so I used a Luck Point, all right?
SCENE: Tony comes home, gets a cheeseburger and proceeds to send his company’s stocks diving faster than a GBU-500 when he announces he’s getting out of the weapons manufacturing business.
Obadiah Stane: Gee, thanks for killing the company.
Tony: No prob.
Obadiah: I hope you aren’t going hippy on me with that freaky medallion.
Tony: Nah, it’s just a miniature fusion plant.
Obabiah: On your chest?
Tony: Yup.
Obadiah: That you built with spare parts and an equipment shop that the Mythbusters would reject?
Tony: Yup.
Obadiah: I don’t suppose you’d consider doing something wild and crazy like, oh, I don’t know, selling it to power the entire free world!
Tony: Nah.
Obadiah: And people are going to call me the villain of this movie.
SCENE: Tony does some do-it-yourself cardiac surgery to install the Pretty Dinky Fusion Reactor Mk. 2, with a little help from his loyal secretary, Pepper.
Pepper: This goes way beyond picking up your dry-cleaning.
Tony: Gaaaaah…
Pepper: And exactly when did you manage to install a stainless steel tube four inches wide and at least six inches deep in your chest?
Tony: Look, the less you know about what I do in my “private time” the better for our relationship, m’kay?
Pepper: On the plus side, at least you’re getting a nice paperweight out of the deal.
SCENE: Many, many, many Testing the Suit scenes, ending with a pretty cool flight over Malibu, a crash through two levels of Tony’s house, and an Oscar winning performance by Freddy the Fire Extinguishing Robot.
Tony: Note to self - Reinforce the patio.
SCENE: Tony’s lab.
Newscaster: In other news: War sucks.
SCENE: Tony flies off to Afghanistan to beat the crap out of a bunch of brown people who were being mean to other brown people.
Audience: USA! USA!
Tony: This is all the fault of the Military Industrial Complex y’know.
Audience: US-- aw, nuts.
Rhodey: Okay, who started a fight in my war zone?
SCENE: Back with No So Pretty Boy Terrorist, who meets with Stane.
Obadiah: Wassup?
Pretty Boy: I found this armor you were asking about. Pay up.
Obadiah: Nah
He stuns Pretty Boy, then walks back to get in his car while his guards gun the (disarmed) terrorists down.
SCENE: Back at Chez Stark.
Tony: Pepper, do you mind terribly doing a little industrial espionage for me?
Pepper: Yes.
Tony: What if I said please?
Pepper: Well, okay.
SCENE: Stark Industries, Tony’s office. Pepper inserts the magical Cut Through the Security Chip into Tony’s computer and starts downloading Stane’s secret files.
Pepper: Oh, gosh, Stane is EVIL.
Obadiah (walking in): Hi there.
Pepper: I wasn’t surfing for porn! No, wait, I WAS surfing for porn, I was NOT DOWNLOADING YOUR SECRET EVIL FILES.
Obadiah: Okay.
She walks out as fast as her three inch spike heels permit.
Pepper: Gosh, I hope my poor choice in footgear doesn’t negatively affect me during the climax.
S.H.E.I.L.D. Guy: Hi, can we talk?
Pepper: Sure. Better yet, let me show you some files I downloaded.
SHEILD GUY: Ewww….
Pepper: Not that!
SCENE: Back at Chez Stark. Tony tries to take a call from Pepper, but ends up stunned by Stane.
Obadiah: Hi, I’m SO evil I actually went to the trouble of making this Rip Out Tony’s Pacemaker device just for you.
Tony: If I could talk, I’d be telling you how much you suck right now.
Stane pops out Tony’s Pretty Tiny Fusion Plant Mk 2, then in true villain fashion abandons him to die. Which Tony doesn’t, naturally..
Freddy the Emergency Backup Pacemaker Finding Robot: I am so pushing for a raise at my next review.
SCENE: Pepper and the SHEILD Geek Squad arrive to confront Stane. Unfortunately they show up just as he installs the Really Dinky Fusion Plant Mk. 2 in his Ironmonger armor.
Obadiah: Let’s see, I could sell this armor to the US government for a mint, since no bunch of dinky terrorists could ever afford it and the military would happily cover up Tony’s murder just to get their hands on it, or I could go on a pointless rampage through downtown LA.
Cue Rampage.
Tony: Here I come to save the DAAAAAAY!
Slam, punch, shoot, threaten innocents, wash, rinse repeat.
Pepper: Note to self, when boss orders you to set the experimental fusion reactor to overload, maybe you should take your shoes off rather than try to run over the floor grates.
Stane falls into the exploding fusion reactor and kinda just disappears in a flash of light. Which given the way the Marvel Universe works means he’ll come back for sure…
SCENE: The next day at Stark Industries.
SHIELD Guy (hands over a set of notecards): Here’s your alibi. (QUOTE!)
Tony: Um, why am I getting this, given the sheer amount of property damage I caused last night, never mind there’s at least a second degree manslaughter for killing Stane like I did.
SHIELD Guy: You’re the hero.
Tony: Gotcha. But the whole “Iron Man was my bodyguard” excuse is so old school.
He walks out, chucks the notes and says to the press conference…
Tony: I am Iron Man. (quote!)
Cue Black Sabbath instrumental.
Post credits….
Nick Fury, Agent of B.A.D.A.S.S.: Guess what, this is a franchise motherf*cker.
SCENE: A convoy of HUMVEES is traveling across the Afghanistan desert
Stark (drinking a burbon): Hi, I’m Tony Stark, your designated misogynistic, alcoholic anti-hero.
Soldiers: You’re so cool.
Stark: Thanks. Sorry about what’s going to happen in ten seconds.
Soldiers: Say what?
An IED takes out the front Hummer. The soldiers with Tony are quickly killed, while he panics and runs out to find cover in the rocks. Unfortunately a bomblet with a “Stark Industries” logo lands right beside him.
Stark: Oh, sweet irony…
BOOM.
SCENE: Flashback to the Exciting Life of Tony Stark
Rhodey: The mere fact you have a retractable pole installed in your private jet for your stewardesses to dance on says a lot about you.
Stark: That I’m living every guy’s fantasy?
Rhodey: That you’re even more obnoxious than Austin Powers.
SCENE: Some time later in the Cave of Science.
Stark: Ow. Why do I have an electromagnet in my chest?
Yensin: The good news is it’s keeping the shrapnel entering your heart.
Stark: And the bad news?
Yensin: You’re never going to get close enough to a computer to play Minesweeper again.
Stark: TERRORIST BASTARDS!
Terrorist: Hi, we want you to build a copy of that missile you demonstrated for the army.
Stark: Uh, why? Especially given you have every other piece of equipment out of the Stark Industries Christmas catalog.
Terrorist: Um… Look, it’ll make sense around Reel Four, m’kay?
SCENE: Overlong bit with Tony and Yensin building Iron Man Mk. 1. Along the way Tony cracks that whole Cold Fusion problem pretty much in passing.
Pretty Terrorist: Are you boys building a suit of armor instead of our missile?
Tony: No, Mom!
Pretty Terrorist: Are you planning an incredibly destructive breakout to allow you to reach an epiphany after your mentor is tragically killed?
Tony: No, Mom!
Yensin: Um, wait a minute…
SCENE: Tony gets stuck watching a progress bar while Yensin does his imitation of Han Solo chasing storm troopers through the Death Star. The terrorists enter, meeting a none too happy Stark.
Tony: Hello, everyone. Prepare to meet my FLAMETHROWERS OF JUSTICE!
Yensin: Hi, I’m dead. But that’s okay, because my whole family is already dead anyway.
Tony: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Deep breath
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
SCENE: Tony pretty much wastes the entire terrorist camp, except for Pretty Boy and the Lead Terrorist. Then he flies off in his rocket boots, crash landing into a sand dune at a velocity that should have killed him.
Tony: Okay, so I used a Luck Point, all right?
SCENE: Tony comes home, gets a cheeseburger and proceeds to send his company’s stocks diving faster than a GBU-500 when he announces he’s getting out of the weapons manufacturing business.
Obadiah Stane: Gee, thanks for killing the company.
Tony: No prob.
Obadiah: I hope you aren’t going hippy on me with that freaky medallion.
Tony: Nah, it’s just a miniature fusion plant.
Obabiah: On your chest?
Tony: Yup.
Obadiah: That you built with spare parts and an equipment shop that the Mythbusters would reject?
Tony: Yup.
Obadiah: I don’t suppose you’d consider doing something wild and crazy like, oh, I don’t know, selling it to power the entire free world!
Tony: Nah.
Obadiah: And people are going to call me the villain of this movie.
SCENE: Tony does some do-it-yourself cardiac surgery to install the Pretty Dinky Fusion Reactor Mk. 2, with a little help from his loyal secretary, Pepper.
Pepper: This goes way beyond picking up your dry-cleaning.
Tony: Gaaaaah…
Pepper: And exactly when did you manage to install a stainless steel tube four inches wide and at least six inches deep in your chest?
Tony: Look, the less you know about what I do in my “private time” the better for our relationship, m’kay?
Pepper: On the plus side, at least you’re getting a nice paperweight out of the deal.
SCENE: Many, many, many Testing the Suit scenes, ending with a pretty cool flight over Malibu, a crash through two levels of Tony’s house, and an Oscar winning performance by Freddy the Fire Extinguishing Robot.
Tony: Note to self - Reinforce the patio.
SCENE: Tony’s lab.
Newscaster: In other news: War sucks.
SCENE: Tony flies off to Afghanistan to beat the crap out of a bunch of brown people who were being mean to other brown people.
Audience: USA! USA!
Tony: This is all the fault of the Military Industrial Complex y’know.
Audience: US-- aw, nuts.
Rhodey: Okay, who started a fight in my war zone?
SCENE: Back with No So Pretty Boy Terrorist, who meets with Stane.
Obadiah: Wassup?
Pretty Boy: I found this armor you were asking about. Pay up.
Obadiah: Nah
He stuns Pretty Boy, then walks back to get in his car while his guards gun the (disarmed) terrorists down.
SCENE: Back at Chez Stark.
Tony: Pepper, do you mind terribly doing a little industrial espionage for me?
Pepper: Yes.
Tony: What if I said please?
Pepper: Well, okay.
SCENE: Stark Industries, Tony’s office. Pepper inserts the magical Cut Through the Security Chip into Tony’s computer and starts downloading Stane’s secret files.
Pepper: Oh, gosh, Stane is EVIL.
Obadiah (walking in): Hi there.
Pepper: I wasn’t surfing for porn! No, wait, I WAS surfing for porn, I was NOT DOWNLOADING YOUR SECRET EVIL FILES.
Obadiah: Okay.
She walks out as fast as her three inch spike heels permit.
Pepper: Gosh, I hope my poor choice in footgear doesn’t negatively affect me during the climax.
S.H.E.I.L.D. Guy: Hi, can we talk?
Pepper: Sure. Better yet, let me show you some files I downloaded.
SHEILD GUY: Ewww….
Pepper: Not that!
SCENE: Back at Chez Stark. Tony tries to take a call from Pepper, but ends up stunned by Stane.
Obadiah: Hi, I’m SO evil I actually went to the trouble of making this Rip Out Tony’s Pacemaker device just for you.
Tony: If I could talk, I’d be telling you how much you suck right now.
Stane pops out Tony’s Pretty Tiny Fusion Plant Mk 2, then in true villain fashion abandons him to die. Which Tony doesn’t, naturally..
Freddy the Emergency Backup Pacemaker Finding Robot: I am so pushing for a raise at my next review.
SCENE: Pepper and the SHEILD Geek Squad arrive to confront Stane. Unfortunately they show up just as he installs the Really Dinky Fusion Plant Mk. 2 in his Ironmonger armor.
Obadiah: Let’s see, I could sell this armor to the US government for a mint, since no bunch of dinky terrorists could ever afford it and the military would happily cover up Tony’s murder just to get their hands on it, or I could go on a pointless rampage through downtown LA.
Cue Rampage.
Tony: Here I come to save the DAAAAAAY!
Slam, punch, shoot, threaten innocents, wash, rinse repeat.
Pepper: Note to self, when boss orders you to set the experimental fusion reactor to overload, maybe you should take your shoes off rather than try to run over the floor grates.
Stane falls into the exploding fusion reactor and kinda just disappears in a flash of light. Which given the way the Marvel Universe works means he’ll come back for sure…
SCENE: The next day at Stark Industries.
SHIELD Guy (hands over a set of notecards): Here’s your alibi. (QUOTE!)
Tony: Um, why am I getting this, given the sheer amount of property damage I caused last night, never mind there’s at least a second degree manslaughter for killing Stane like I did.
SHIELD Guy: You’re the hero.
Tony: Gotcha. But the whole “Iron Man was my bodyguard” excuse is so old school.
He walks out, chucks the notes and says to the press conference…
Tony: I am Iron Man. (quote!)
Cue Black Sabbath instrumental.
Post credits….
Nick Fury, Agent of B.A.D.A.S.S.: Guess what, this is a franchise motherf*cker.