3659.3: Empathizer
I am amazed by the number of problems people have simply in not being able to say "no" or "you're full of it." [I have this problem, too, note.] For instance, today's Ask Amy: DEAR AMY: My husband "Bradley's" brother and his wife opted not to have children years ago. Instead, they have a little dog that they think is adorable and talk baby talk to.
The issue I have is that their dog is not trained very well and my husband always volunteers to dog-sit when they are gone. Last year we watched this pup for 39 days.
This dog barks all the time and goes potty in our house, and they insist that it sleep in bed with us.
When they get back from one of many vacations, my husband tells them it was a pleasure having the dog and we'd be glad to do it anytime.
Since I'm the person looking after this beast most of the time (my husband works outside the home all day), how do I get my husband to quit volunteering our (my) time watching it?
I've spoken to him about it many times and he always agrees with me and then volunteers to do it again.
What to do? I'm ready to scream! -- Put Upon
DEAR PUT UPON: What -- pooch got your tongue?
Have you been driven so crazy by the incessant barking, baby talking and co-sleeping that you have lost the power of speech?
How about trying this?
The next time your husband "volunteers" to dog-sit, you could pipe up and say, "Actually, Bradley speaks for himself. The fact is, I end up taking care of the dog almost full time when it's with us and I just can't do it anymore. You're going to have to figure out another arrangement." And -- I'm speaking here as a proud pooch owner myself -- nobody should tell you who or what will sleep in your bed. That's just barking mad.
How does this happen, exactly? At what point does the needs and feelings of someone else [especially someone oblivious to others' needs and feelings] trump one's own?
Frankly, this one astonishes me: DEAR ABBY: My hardworking husband of four years, "Brian," loves to eat out three or four nights a week. It's nice not to have to cook, and I have become spoiled. He loves treating. We take along friends, family members or business associates.
The problem is, Brian wants to sit for two or three hours, have drinks and talk before he eats. He insists that I wait until he is ready to eat. Sometimes it becomes as late as 10 p.m.
I have a sensitive stomach and I need to eat early. I have eaten dinner early my entire life. If I eat late, my stomach goes into knots, and by the time we get home it's time for bed because I'm sleepy. Brian can sleep on a full stomach with no problem. I get acid reflux.
Brian expects our guests to adhere to his routine. Even when we have cookouts, everyone must wait for the entree. He says, "Well, they'll just have to wait. I don't want anyone to eat and run."
I put out appetizers, but it's not enough to hold them. If we don't wait, he gets angry and threatens not to have another cookout. I have explained that not everyone can eat so late.
Abby, what's your perspective on this? Who's right here? -- HUNGRY IN ARIZONA
DEAR HUNGRY: You are. It appears you married a hardworking, self-centered drinker with a need to control everyone around him. A generous host takes the needs and wishes of his guests into consideration. A selfish one behaves like your husband does. Frankly, I'm surprised that anyone who didn't have to would accept more than two dinner or cookout invitations.
You should eat something before going to dinner with him and do the same at home whenever you need to. If you don't, it could have a serious, negative impact on your health.
Who is this guy?? I want to know so I can avoid him like the plague. [Frankly, I'd think people would get the hint and show up late, if they REALLY can't be persuaded to socialize of their own volition vs. with a bribe of [extremely belated] food.]
Granted, I sort of see the opposite viewpoint, where X person in a group says, "Hey, there's a Target here, I just want to stop in literally for a minute and get something," with the response from Y being, "FOOOOOD," with no tolerance for even negligible delays. Some of that is from realizing how long the food takes to get there, but the polarity of the argument is bizarre.
So, this has vaguely to do with work drama, in that I'm growing weary of being the confidante: At first, I sympathized because A is genuinely a bit of a doink, but B [in confiding in me about A's treatment of B] is turning out to be a bit of a drama queen--or at least a drama magnet. Some of the advice I pick up in columns is that it's fine to confide in someone to get a reality check, but it's the height of insecurity to poll the entire office about it and declare that "everyone else agrees with me" [insert link to something about this that I can't find and don't want to spend another three hours doing].
I dunno. I just work.
[Also, I am tired.]
The issue I have is that their dog is not trained very well and my husband always volunteers to dog-sit when they are gone. Last year we watched this pup for 39 days.
This dog barks all the time and goes potty in our house, and they insist that it sleep in bed with us.
When they get back from one of many vacations, my husband tells them it was a pleasure having the dog and we'd be glad to do it anytime.
Since I'm the person looking after this beast most of the time (my husband works outside the home all day), how do I get my husband to quit volunteering our (my) time watching it?
I've spoken to him about it many times and he always agrees with me and then volunteers to do it again.
What to do? I'm ready to scream! -- Put Upon
DEAR PUT UPON: What -- pooch got your tongue?
Have you been driven so crazy by the incessant barking, baby talking and co-sleeping that you have lost the power of speech?
How about trying this?
The next time your husband "volunteers" to dog-sit, you could pipe up and say, "Actually, Bradley speaks for himself. The fact is, I end up taking care of the dog almost full time when it's with us and I just can't do it anymore. You're going to have to figure out another arrangement." And -- I'm speaking here as a proud pooch owner myself -- nobody should tell you who or what will sleep in your bed. That's just barking mad.
How does this happen, exactly? At what point does the needs and feelings of someone else [especially someone oblivious to others' needs and feelings] trump one's own?
Frankly, this one astonishes me: DEAR ABBY: My hardworking husband of four years, "Brian," loves to eat out three or four nights a week. It's nice not to have to cook, and I have become spoiled. He loves treating. We take along friends, family members or business associates.
The problem is, Brian wants to sit for two or three hours, have drinks and talk before he eats. He insists that I wait until he is ready to eat. Sometimes it becomes as late as 10 p.m.
I have a sensitive stomach and I need to eat early. I have eaten dinner early my entire life. If I eat late, my stomach goes into knots, and by the time we get home it's time for bed because I'm sleepy. Brian can sleep on a full stomach with no problem. I get acid reflux.
Brian expects our guests to adhere to his routine. Even when we have cookouts, everyone must wait for the entree. He says, "Well, they'll just have to wait. I don't want anyone to eat and run."
I put out appetizers, but it's not enough to hold them. If we don't wait, he gets angry and threatens not to have another cookout. I have explained that not everyone can eat so late.
Abby, what's your perspective on this? Who's right here? -- HUNGRY IN ARIZONA
DEAR HUNGRY: You are. It appears you married a hardworking, self-centered drinker with a need to control everyone around him. A generous host takes the needs and wishes of his guests into consideration. A selfish one behaves like your husband does. Frankly, I'm surprised that anyone who didn't have to would accept more than two dinner or cookout invitations.
You should eat something before going to dinner with him and do the same at home whenever you need to. If you don't, it could have a serious, negative impact on your health.
Who is this guy?? I want to know so I can avoid him like the plague. [Frankly, I'd think people would get the hint and show up late, if they REALLY can't be persuaded to socialize of their own volition vs. with a bribe of [extremely belated] food.]
Granted, I sort of see the opposite viewpoint, where X person in a group says, "Hey, there's a Target here, I just want to stop in literally for a minute and get something," with the response from Y being, "FOOOOOD," with no tolerance for even negligible delays. Some of that is from realizing how long the food takes to get there, but the polarity of the argument is bizarre.
So, this has vaguely to do with work drama, in that I'm growing weary of being the confidante: At first, I sympathized because A is genuinely a bit of a doink, but B [in confiding in me about A's treatment of B] is turning out to be a bit of a drama queen--or at least a drama magnet. Some of the advice I pick up in columns is that it's fine to confide in someone to get a reality check, but it's the height of insecurity to poll the entire office about it and declare that "everyone else agrees with me" [insert link to something about this that I can't find and don't want to spend another three hours doing].
I dunno. I just work.
[Also, I am tired.]