With Every Word You Say (make me believe)
Title: With Every Word You Say (make me believe)
Pairing: Brittany/Santana
Rating: R
Word Count: 6249
Spoilers: General for the series
Summary: They’re both going to college, but Santana is going away to New York, and Brittany is staying in Ohio, and for the final few weeks of summer, Santana can’t seem to stop wanting to spend all her time with her
Notes: A Gleekret Santa fic for nataixoco , who requested Brittany/Santana, Brittany/Tina and jealous!Santana. Kinda took the prompt and ran with it so I hope that’s ok.
The summer after graduation, the gleeks hire out a house at the beach in California for a week. They invite Mr Schue, who laughs and comes down for a few nights, but otherwise keep it just for the graduating seniors, who have all been there since the beginning. The junior and sophomore glee clubbers can have their turn later.
It’s fun; they spend their days on the beach and their nights trying to get into clubs, or drinking at the house and playing on the karaoke machine someone brought with them. For Santana, it’s like a week of unfamiliar freedom. She’s friends with everyone in the club now - she’s not as petty as she used to be - but she hangs around with Brittany most of the time, the both of them sharing jokes and lying in the sun and purposefully not noticing Rachel and Quinn sneaking between bedrooms at night.
It’s sort of a goodbye for all of them, a celebration and an ending to everything they’ve been for the last few years. When they part at the end of the week, they hug one another and promise to catch up soon, but everybody knows it won’t happen. They’ll never be together again, not like this.
Santana spends most of the rest of the summer hanging out at Brittany’s house. Sometimes they go to Quinn’s, or Puck’s and drink beer and hang out with any of the glee clubbers who can make it, or sometimes they go to Santana’s and watch movies and eat popcorn. They’re both going to college, but Santana is going away to New York, and Brittany is staying in Ohio, and for the final few weeks of summer, Santana can’t seem to stop wanting to spend all her time with her. She’s had years to memorize Brittany, to learn her features and her mannerisms, but now that they’re going in different directions, it doesn’t seem to be enough. She doesn’t want the summer to end.
The night before she’s due to leave for New York, Kurt throws a party for everyone. It’s not huge thing - Rachel, Mercedes, Matt and Mike are already gone, and Artie has some family thing he has to go to - but it’s nice anyway. Santana goes along with a six-pack of beer, and she gets nostalgic when she drinks it. The music is loud and Brittany wants to dance, but Santana doesn’t feel like it. Instead, she sits on the couch with Quinn, and watches Brittany dancing with Kurt, and then with Finn. She almost wishes they had another year of school left. She doesn’t voice the thought.
Later in the night, when she’s drunker, she kisses Puck for old time’s sake, and she ends up on her knees in the bathroom, listening to him groaning above her. Afterwards she won’t let him touch her - she just finds Brittany and tells her she needs to leave. Brittany takes her home, and hugs her when she cries, and Santana falls asleep in Brittany’s bed.
In the morning Brittany comes with her to the airport. Santana hugs her parents first and Brittany last, holding on tightly. Brittany hugs her back just as hard and kisses her on the cheek when she steps away.
“I’ll write you as soon as I can,” Brittany promises earnestly.
“You’d better, bitch,” Santana grins back, and then she waves at all of them and walks through the gates. She tries not to think about what she’s leaving behind.
II
College is new and exciting and different, and in the whirlwind of new experiences and drunken college parties, Santana almost forgets about home. She makes friends with her roommate, Alyssa, and the other students in her hallway, does well at her classes, eyes off the good-looking boys and pretends not to notice them eyeing her back.
She’s two weeks in when she gets her first email from Brittany. She sounds good; she’s enjoying college as much as Santana is, and she’s living across the hall from Tina. She’s into arty stuff, Brittany writes in the email, so we don’t have any classes together, but she’s really fun to hang out with.
Santana feels good until she reaches the end, where Brittany says how much she misses her. It’s been weird without you, Brittany writes. It’d be more fun if you were here.
It makes Santana feel guilty, and as soon as she’s finished reading, she pulls out all the photos of home and sticks them up on the wall. There’s a big one of her and Brittany at prom, both of them grinning at the camera and looking fantastic. She puts it in the middle.
She sends back an excited email, telling Brittany how amazing college is and how much fun she’s having. She feels a guilty twist in her stomach when she tells Brittany she’s been missing her too, and then suggests a time for one of them to call.
Love you, she puts at the bottom. Can’t wait to hear from you.
After she’s done, she lies on the bed and looks at the picture of the two of them until she falls asleep.
II
A few weeks after that, when she glow has worn off and she wants to strangle her roommate and drop out of all her classes, she skips a party one Saturday night and stays in instead. It’s only been two days since she last called Brittany, but she opens her email anyway.
I miss you, she types. College isn’t fun without you here. She hesitates a moment, and then writes, Stop spending all your time with Tina and come hang out with me!
Her phone rings. It’s her friend Elena, from across the hall, who’s going on a date tonight and wants Santana to help her get ready.
“I’m on my way to a party,” Santana lies smoothly. “Sorry. Maybe Melissa can help you instead.”
“Ok,” Elena says. Santana can hear the shrug in her voice. “See you.”
“Have fun,” Santana says, and hangs up. She turns back to the email she’d been typing and reads it over.
Her mouse hovers over the send button, and she shakes her head. She deletes it instead.
II
Brittany comes to visit for a weekend in mid-October. Santana squeals when she sees her at the airport, and she’s rewarded by Brittany jumping almost on top of her to wrap her up in a hug so tight she can’t breathe. Santana laughs and hugs her back and they both talk at the top of their voices all the way back to Santana’s room.
Brittany gets on well with Alyssa, and she seems to like the rest of Santana’s friends as well. Santana watches her talk to them, and she can’t help smiling. They’ve been calling and emailing on a semi-regular basis, but now that they’re together, she can see that Brittany’s changed. She’s older, more mature, and she’s dropped that habit she had in high school of trying to appear stupider than she really was. It’s a good change.
They go to a party that night, and Brittany seems right at home downing beers and returning the looks of interested guys. Later, while Santana is getting a drink, she sees Brittany talking to a guy, smiling, head tipping back as she laughs. Santana’s stomach twists unpleasantly, and she looks away.
Brittany’s back not long afterwards, and Santana can’t stop herself from asking nastily, “Where’s the guy sleazing all over you?”
Brittany just shrugs, used to Santana. “Boring,” she says. She leans closer so that nobody else will hear and says, “Your friend Elena’s hot.”
Santana is so surprised that she can’t respond. Brittany stands up, tugging on her hand. “Come on,” she says. “Let’s dance.”
She leads Santana onto the dance floor and begins to move, her shoulders swaying to the beat. She puts her hands on Santana’s hips and they move together, pressed up close. It’s nothing they haven’t done before, countless times even, but for some reason it’s different this time.
She isn’t sure whether to be relieved or annoyed when a fight breaks out and everybody ends up going home.
Brittany’s staying with her, sharing her single bed. Santana had thought nothing of it when she invited Brittany to stay, but it suddenly feels different. Brittany seems to notice nothing, curling up and falling asleep almost instantly. Santana lies next to her, staring into the darkness. It’s a long time before she falls asleep.
Brittany sleeps late in the morning. Santana’s up early, and she’s got breakfast ready by the time Brittany wakes around eleven. Brittany gives her a sleepy smile when she sees her, and Santana smiles back without thought.
She shows her around campus for most of the day, and they talk, and compare stories and Brittany catches Santana up on all the gossip. Rachel has gotten a small part in a musical on Broadway, Brittany informs her, but Santana snorts, because really, who in the world hasn’t heard that already?
“Maybe I should go see it,” Santana says, mostly sarcastic, but Brittany nods immediately.
“That would be so great,” she says enthusiastically. “I wish I could come with you.”
It makes Santana feel kind of guilty, how good a person Brittany is when she herself was being a bitch, so she hurries to ask more questions.
The rest of the glee clubbers are doing well, Brittany says. Quinn and Rachel have kept up their long distance relationship, and Quinn has been visiting the child she gave away three years ago. They’re happy.
Finn is putting his love of music to good use and learning about the industry. He’s decided he wants to run an agency company. Puck’s working as a manager in the local café. Kurt’s studying fashion and has a boyfriend. Artie and Mercedes haven’t been heard from for a while, “but then,” Brittany says, “they were always a little on the fringe, weren’t they?”
Matt and Mike are both on football scholarships. They don’t write or call much, not even to Finn. And then of course there’s Tina, who’s “so great,” Brittany says enthusiastically. “I mean, she’s still kind of different, you know? But she’s really fun to hang with. And her friends are really cool too.”
It’s maybe the twentieth time Brittany’s told her how great Tina is that weekend, and Santana bites her tongue when she hears it. Brittany’s allowed to have other friends, of course. The name still grates on Santana’s ears.
She steers the topic into safer territory, and they spend the afternoon talking about classes and how different college life is to school life. It’s all so nice and normal - as though they could be back in Brittany’s bedroom with school the next day - and Santana thinks how stupid she was to feel weird last night. This is Brittany, who’s been her best friend since middle school when she taught Santana how to do a round-off.
Still, when Brittany mentions going out again that night, Santana hurriedly says that she’d rather they stay in, just the two of them.
Alyssa goes out that night and tells them not to expect her back until the morning. Santana shrugs, and once she’s gone they push the two beds together and watch a movie on Santana’s laptop. Brittany falls asleep on her shoulder and it makes her smile.
They go to sleep on opposite sides of the two beds, but in the morning they’ve both rolled to the middle. When Santana wakes up with her arm over Brittany’s waist, their foreheads close together, she doesn’t move. She’s comfortable where she is.
II
When Brittany’s gone, Santana throws herself back into the swing of things. She studies hard and parties hard, and when Michael from her history class asks her out, she says yes immediately.
The date is fine; he’s nice and funny and charming, but when he kisses her she feels nothing. She doesn’t go out with him again.
II
Before semester had started, her parents had made her promise to come home for Thanksgiving. Santana had rolled her eyes and thought it was lame, but she’d promised anyway.
She’s really glad she did.
She gets in late Wednesday night and she greets her parents and spends a while telling them everything, and then she goes to her room, flops on her bed and thinks about how weird it is to be home.
She thinks about calling Brittany, but it’s late and she’s tired. She sends a text instead to say that she’s home and Brittany replies immediately, saying she can’t wait to see her. Santana smiles and goes to sleep.
She has lunch with her parents the next day, and when it’s over, she goes to Quinn’s house for a Thanksgiving party with the rest of the Gleeks. Quinn opens the door with Rachel firmly attached to her side, and they both hug her, which is a little weird, but Santana hugs them back and steps inside.
Not everyone is there - Matt has supposedly disappeared somewhere and isn’t coming home for the break, and Mercedes has to stay with her family, but the rest of them have come. Kurt’s brought his boyfriend, and Finn’s brought along a girl who looks nervous, and the three couples stand together in the centre of the room.
It’s kind of weird at first, being back with everybody, and there’s an awkward tension in the room, but then they start drinking, and it’s not weird anymore. Rachel’s telling anyone who will listen all about her role on Broadway and how amazing it feels and all the people she’s met. Only Finn seems to be genuinely interested, but Quinn’s holding Rachel’s hand and almost beaming at her, and it’s so cute it’s almost disgusting. Santana tries not to smile.
She’s talking to Brittany when Tina arrives, and Brittany waves her over enthusiastically. It surprises Santana, when she’s talking to both of them, how easy they are with each other. They tell stories together, and laugh at the same things, and share meaningful looks. At one point, Brittany even grabs Tina’s hand and squeezes it.
“So, you guys spend a lot of time together?” Santana asks, keeping her voice even, and her smile firmly in place.
“Not that much,” Brittany says, at the same time as Tina says, “Yeah, all of it.”
There’s an awkward pause, and Brittany seems to flush. Tina avoids Santana’s eyes.
“We live so close,” Tina offers quickly. “So, you know.”
“Yeah.” Santana nods. She doesn’t know. “I’m going to go get another drink, ok?”
She thinks she hears Brittany say something as she walks away, but she doesn’t stop to wait.
II
Brittany calls her late the next morning, just after Santana’s woken up.
“You want to hang out today?” she asks. “Just the two of us?” She sounds anxious, as if she thinks Santana might refuse.
“Sure,” Santana says. “You want to come over?”
“Yeah,” Brittany says, clearly relieved. “Great. I’ll be there soon.”
She turns up twenty minutes later with a DVD of Love Actually, and she holds it out like a peace offering. They go upstairs and put it on, and they get almost halfway through before Brittany turns to her and says, “Santana, listen…”
“Yeah?” Santana tries to sound offhand, as if she has no idea what Brittany’s going to say.
Brittany pauses, as if she has no idea what she’s going to say, and then she blurts, kind of awkwardly, “Sorry if we made you feel weird last night. Me and Tina, I mean.”
Santana bites down on her tongue for a second, and says, “What? No. It was fine.”
“I guess,” Brittany says, staring at the wall, “we kind of do spend a lot of time together. I mean, she’s so nice and all, and we have fun together. And plus, she’s there.”
“And I’m not,” Santana says bitterly. “I went away, and got replaced.”
“No,” Brittany says, and she sounds so upset that Santana feels instantly guilty. “You’re not being replaced. I swear.”
“Britt,” Santana says quickly. She wipes away an actual tear from Brittany’s cheek. “I’m sorry.” She grabs her hand and squeezes it. “I’m such a bitch. Britt, you’re allowed to be friends with whoever you want to be. Best friends, even. I’ve got good friends back in New York. I understand.”
She doesn’t, really. She doesn’t like saying it, but it makes Brittany look happier. She snuggles up close to Santana and they watch the rest of the movie in silence.
II
They spend the weekend together, and things are normal by the time Santana leaves. She discovers that she and Rachel are on the same flight out, and she’s annoyed at first, but it turns out to be a good thing, because Rachel talks non-stop and Santana doesn’t have time to think about why she doesn’t want to leave home.
She makes a decision to be friendlier when she gets back. She makes friends with a guy in her hall called Patrick, who sits next to her in American politics, and they end up hanging out during almost all of their spare time. They kiss one time when they’re both pretty drunk, but he’s got a girlfriend back home in California and for Santana it’s too reminiscent of Puck, so they stick to being good friends.
It’s not like Santana needs a Tina or anything. It’s just - you know. It’s kind of nice.
II
She talks to Brittany more often once they’re back. She emails every day, and calls when she can. They even set up skype, which they’ve been meaning to do for months now, and Santana finally gets to see where Brittany lives.
Tina really is close.
Brittany starts talking about Tina more and more, as if she’s taken the conversation they had as some sort of permission. Pretty soon Tina’s popping up in every story and comment. Sometimes, when they’re on skype, Tina even comes in to say hello to Santana, and then she stays, relaxing on Brittany’s bed and looking through her magazines as if she does it every day.
Santana tries not to mind. After all, she’s been talking about Patrick a lot lately - so much that Brittany’s started asking highly un-subtle questions about the two of them. So every time Tina’s mentioned, or appears behind Brittany in the webcam, Santana grits her teeth and smiles, and tell herself she doesn’t care.
Until Brittany tells her that they kissed.
I don’t know how it happened, Brittany writes in her email. I think we were pretty drunk.
Santana’s heart stops for a moment when she reads it, and then she forces herself to write back in an amused, happy tone.
Lol, Britt, she says. Don’t worry. I’m sure it won’t happen again.
That’s the thing, Brittany writes back almost immediately. I think I want it to.
Santana doesn’t write back for a couple of days. When she finally does, she apologizes for being so busy. She tells Brittany about her assignments, and about Melissa dropping out. She doesn’t mention Brittany’s admission.
Brittany, when she writes back, doesn’t bring it up either.
II
The rest of semester passes quickly, and before she knows it, she’s heading home for the Christmas break. Brittany picks her up from the airport and they smile and hug, but there’s something off between them.
“This is going to be the best Christmas ever,” Brittany promises her earnestly during the ride home. “Right?”
“Right,” Santana says, forcing a smile. “Best ever.”
It ends up being - well not the worst, that was the time when her dad and her uncle had a fight, and her dad ended up in hospital with three broken bones - but it’s definitely weird. Brittany brings Tina along almost every time she and Santana are supposed to hang out, and even when Tina isn’t actually, physically there, Santana still can’t get rid of her, because Brittany seems to mention her in every other sentence. It’s driving Santana crazy.
What’s worse is that she can see the way they act around one another. Brittany hasn’t brought up her kiss with Tina, and Santana’s avoiding the subject, but she’s reminded of it every time she sees Brittany and Tina together. They’re a little shy, a little hesitant - they linger longer than normal on casual touches, they watch each other when they think it won’t be noticed. They smile a lot.
She avoids the two of them, organizes parties and gatherings with the others, where she can ignore them and talk to other people. She spends a lot of time with Quinn, who’s feeling lonely because Rachel had to stay in New York over Christmas for her show. It reminds her of middle school, when she and Quinn and Brittany were all best friends and had promised to be so for life.
She misses that.
II
When she goes back for the new semester, she doesn’t talk to Brittany so much. She puts off calling her, and she emails once a week, instead of once a day. Brittany always writes back immediately.
“Are you ok?” Patrick asks, two weeks into semester. “You seem - are you upset about something?”
“I’m fine,” Santana says, and tries to smile.
“Ok,” Patrick says slowly. He doesn’t look convinced.
A week later, when she’s drunker than ever before and half unconscious on someone’s bathroom floor, she tries to tell him what’s wrong. It’s hard, though, because she can’t really explain what she’s feeling even to herself.
“It’s just, she was my best friend,” Santana says for possibly the fifth or sixth time. She rests her forehead on the cool wall and sighs in appreciation. “And now she’s - I don’t even know what she is.” She pauses. “I think I’m done throwing up,” she says.
Patrick draws her backwards into his lap. “She must be pretty special,” he says, rubbing her back soothingly.
“Yeah,” Santana murmurs. She turns her face into his shoulder and rests there, her eyes slipping shut. “She’s pretty special.”
II
When Brittany tells her she and Tina are dating, Santana’s not prepared for it at all.
It comes at the end of a fairly innocent email - Brittany’s been talking about classes and study and the news that Matt has reappeared as a ‘dirty hippy’ - and then all of a sudden Brittany says, Oh yeah, and Tina’s sort of my girlfriend now.
Santana blinks when she reads it, and she has to read it again, several times, to make sure it isn’t some sort of joke. We kissed a couple more times, Brittany says, and then she asked me out the other day. So, we’re kind of together.
There’s a, I hope that’s ok, at the bottom, and Santana stares at it. It’s not ok.
It’s not, like, a gay thing, because Santana thinks since Glee she’s been pretty open minded, but this isn’t ok at all.
She doesn’t write back.
Brittany writes again around a week later. All it says is, Hope you got my last email. How’ve you been? Write me. It’s signed with kisses.
Santana writes back after a couple of days. She says, Hey Britt. Really busy right now. Tell everyone I said hi. She doesn’t sign it at all.
Brittany’s reply that same afternoon is determinedly cheerful. She says she doesn’t mind Santana being busy, and updates her on how college is going. Can I call you? She asks. Skype Tuesday night?
Sorry, Santana replies on Wednesday morning. I was studying. She doesn’t say anything else.
She doesn’t get a reply, and then a few days later she makes the mistake of logging onto Facebook chat. Brittany starts talking to her immediately, and they make small talk for a few minutes while Santana tries to come up with an excuse to go offline.
Hey, Brittany says after a while, you never said anything about Tina. Are you ok?
Santana stares at the screen, and hesitates. No, she writes. I’m not. I don’t really like you dating her.
Why not? Brittany asks, and Santana doesn’t answer. I thought you’d be cool with it, Brittany says. You don’t seem to mind Quinn and Rachel.
Santana frowns. It’s not the gay thing. It’s not. It’s… she doesn’t know what it is. She just knows that she doesn’t like the thought of Brittany with Tina. Ok, if she’s honest with herself, she doesn’t like the thought of Brittany with anyone.
I’ve got to go, Santana says. We’ll talk later.
She knows they won’t.
II
She avoids Brittany after that, ignoring emails and dodging phone calls. She lets herself stalk Brittany’s profile on Facebook, but her stomach twists when she sees Brittany’s relationship status.
Tina sends her an email after a week or two. I’m sorry for causing so much trouble, she says. Britt really misses you. I think she’d really like it if you called her.
It makes Santana angrier than she should be. Nobody else has ever called Brittany ‘Britt’.
Before she calms down, she sends a nasty message to Brittany, telling her not to use her girlfriend - and she puts the word in quotation marks - to do her dirty work. Brittany’s reply sounds kind of sad and confused, and a little angry, and it makes Santana feel bad. It doesn’t make her feel any better when Brittany doesn’t make any more effort to contact her.
II
“I just - what is she doing?” Santana says to Patrick. He looks up from his history notes.
“Is Tina really that bad?” he asks.
“No,” Santana says. “I mean, yeah. Well, ok, she’s not awful or anything, it’s just -,”
“Just what?” Patrick says.
Santana glares at her textbook. “I don’t know. Just something.”
II
Back before college even started, before all of this was going on, Brittany and Santana had planned their Spring Break together. They were lucky enough to have it at the same time and they’d organized to fly to the beach and hire rooms next to one another.
They’ve already paid, so Santana doesn’t back out. Brittany doesn’t back out either. And she brings Tina.
Santana hangs out at the beach, and parties with the other college students there. They’re all nice enough, and once they’re drunk nobody cares anyway. She ignores Brittany.
Brittany and Tina, for their part, ignore her right back. Santana sees them sometimes, sitting on the beach together, or coming in and out of their room next to hers. One night they’re at the same party, and she has to watch them dancing together. When they make out, a bunch of guys cheer and crowd around them, and Tina blushes red. Brittany takes her hand and they leave together. They guys whistle. Santana grabs another drink.
She wakes up alone the next morning in an unfamiliar bed, with no memory of how she got there. Just as she’s trying to work out what the hell’s going on, the door opens, and a pretty girl comes in. Santana panics.
“What am I doing here?” she asks, feeling around under the covers and discovering that she’s still fully dressed.
The relief must show because the girl laughs. “You passed out on the floor last night,” she says. “I thought someone should make sure you didn’t get raped.”
“Oh,” Santana says. “Thanks.”
She goes back to her room with the worst hangover she’s ever had. The movies lied. Spring Break really sucks.
II
Easter is early that year, and Santana heads home for it with a feeling of trepidation. She asks Quinn and Rachel to pick her up at the airport, but Quinn comes alone, because Rachel’s only just got back, and she’s spending time with her dads.
They talk more than they have for years during the ride home - about college, and life and partners. It’s Quinn’s daughter’s birthday soon, and Quinn’s been going to see her. “She’s a nice kid,” Quinn says. “Sometimes I wonder whether… I mean, maybe I could have done it after all. Raised her.”
She doesn’t look at Santana, and that’s how Santana knows that Quinn is confiding in her. She thinks back to middle school.
It makes her feel more confident, and so she brings up Brittany and Tina. Quinn just shrugs.
“I think it’s kinda nice,” she says.
“Nice?” Santana repeats, disbelieving. “You thin it’s nice?”
“Yeah,” Quinn says. She half turns to Santana. “And why does it matter to you so much?”
Santana shrugs. “I guess it doesn’t,” she says, kind of resentfully. They don’t talk too much after that.
There’s a party on Saturday night, and Santana goes along even though she knows it’s a bad idea. Brittany and Tina spend the entire time together. Santana pointedly ignores them.
She sits between Rachel and Quinn on the couch, drink in hand, but she’s watching Brittany and Tina dance without taking a sip of it. She feels Quinn and Rachel exchange looks.
“Santana,” Rachel says. “I was wondering if it had occurred to you that you’re absolutely in love with Brittany?”
Santana finally takes her eyes away from Brittany to gape at Rachel. “What did you say, Berry?”
“Oh come on,” Rachel begins to scoff, but Quinn reaches across Santana and takes Rachel’s hand.
“Hold on, Sweetie,” she says, and turns to Santana. “It’s true,” she says in a tone that’s pretty gentle, for Quinn. “Look at you. You can’t keep your eyes off her.”
“You guys are insane,” Santana says. “Completely fucking insane.”
Later on - and not that she’s trying to prove anything, but - she kisses Puck. This time, when she’s crying and ashamed of herself, there’s no Brittany to take care of her.
II
She’s not in love with Brittany. She’s not.
The whole idea is ridiculous. They’ve been best friends since forever, and anyway, Santana digs guys, alright?
Still, she wishes Rachel hadn’t said that.
II
“Santana,” Patrick says, opening his door. “Hey. Come in.” He studies her. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” Santana shakes her head and sits down on his bed. “I mean. Shit. Patrick -,” she looks up at him, hardly believing what she’s saying. “I think I’m in love with my best friend.”
“Oh,” Patrick says, his eyes widening. “That’s - uh, that’s really - I mean, I’m flattered, Santana, because you’re really hot and all, but I’ve got Anna back home and you -,”
“No,” Santana interrupts. “Not you. Brittany.”
“Oh,” Patrick says. “Oh.” He sits down next to her.
“Yeah,” Santana says. They sit in silence for a minute.
“So, what are you going to do?”
Santana shakes her head. “Nothing. I’m not going to do anything.”
II
The first she hears of Brittany and Tina’s break up is over Facebook, when her news feed alerts her to the fact that Brittany’s relationship status is now set to single. A bunch of people Santana’s never heard of have commented, asking what happened. Someone else just asks whether Brittany’s stolen their charm bracelet. Brittany’s reply only says, haha, just didn’t work out. And prue, you left it in ted’s bathroom, you ho. :p
Santana digests the information. She’s still got the picture of herself and Brittany above her bed. She stares at it for a while.
“What do I do?” she asks Patrick later.
“Whatever you want to,” he answers. “But try being nicer this time.”
II
She sends Brittany a tentative email with Patrick looking over her shoulder.
I’m sorry about you and Tina, it says. And I’m sorry about everything else too. Love, S.
Brittany responds after a couple of days. I wish we were still friends, she says, with typical Brittany frankness.
Santana closes her eyes to ward off tears. Me too, she sends back. Brittany doesn’t reply.
II
“I have to do something,” Santana says, pacing her room. Patrick, stretched out on her bed, looks up at her.
“Are you really in love with her?” he asks.
“I don’t know,” Santana says. “I mean, yeah. I think so.”
“Ok.” Patrick sits up. “Tell her.”
Santana stops pacing and stares. “What?”
“Tell her,” Patrick says again. “Go to her, and tell her.”
“Go to her?” Santana repeats. “Come on. She’s in Ohio.”
Patrick stands up and grabs her by the shoulders. “Do you think Peter Parker would ever have gotten Mary Jane without all the grand gestures?” he asks. “Do you think Noah would have gotten Allie if he hadn’t kissed her in the rain?” He shakes her a little. “Go to her.”
Santana hesitates a moment. “But - I don’t have a flight - and it’s Friday tomorrow. I have classes.”
“So skip them,” Patrick says. “Go.”
“Ok,” Santana says. She’s half laughing, because this plan is crazy. “Ok, I’ll go.”
II
It occurs to her, when she finally gets there just after one in the morning, that she has absolutely no idea where Brittany’s dorm is. She thinks back to everything Brittany ever told her about the campus, and searches for landmarks. She gets the wrong dorm first, but a pissed off girl points her in the right direction, and she finally gets to Brittany’s door. She knows it’s right this time because Tina’s door, which is covered in posters, is right opposite, and Santana definitely recognizes that.
She hesitates outsides for a few minutes, because this is probably a bad idea, and because anyway it’s close to two in the morning, and Santana would be pretty pissed off if someone woke her up this late when she had class in the morning. She’s this close to leaving altogether when there’s a tiny sound from inside the room that Santana recognizes instantly. Brittany is crying.
Santana knocks before she’s even made a conscious decision that she wants to. The crying stops.
“Who is it?” Brittany asks from inside.
“It’s me,” Santana says, wiping her hands on her jeans. It’s ridiculous to be this nervous.
There’s a silence, and then Brittany opens the door. She’s in her pajamas, and her eyes are red and puffy. She stares at Santana with no emotion.
“What are you doing here?” she asks blankly.
“I came to see you,” Santana says.
“Yeah,” Brittany says. “I can see that.”
They stand in her doorway in silence. Santana swallows. “So, can I come in?” she asks finally.
Brittany cocks her head to the side, as if she’s considering. “I guess so,” she shrugs. She turns away and goes to sit on her bed. Santana follows, standing awkwardly in the middle of the room.
“I was sorry,” she offers after a minute. “About, you know. You and Tina.”
“I know,” Brittany says, her voice still flat. “You said so in the email.”
“Yeah,” Santana says. “Yeah, I did.”
She scuffs her foot against the floor. Brittany’s perched on the edge of her bed, her hands tucked between her knees and her head down. She doesn’t move when Santana sits down beside her.
“Brittany,” Santana says, and swallows. “I’m here because I wanted to tell you something.”
“Yeah?” Brittany says, without looking up. She sounds so hurt that Santana wants to slap herself. If anyone else had made Brittany sound like that, Santana would have kicked their asses for sure.
“Brittany,” Santana says again, and then she grabs Brittany by the shoulders, and kisses her.
When she pulls away, Brittany looks stunned. “What was that for?” she asks, sounding genuinely perplexed.
“Oh, come on, Britt,” Santana says, her heart hammering. “Why do you think I didn’t like Tina?”
“Um,” Brittany says. She scrunches up her face as if she’s thinking. “But, wait. You’re not - you don’t like girls.”
“How do you know?” Santana challenges.
“You wouldn’t practice kissing with me in seventh grade,” Brittany accuses.
“What?” Santana’s eyebrows shoot upwards in disbelief. “Come on,” she says. “That was seventh grade. I thought all kissing was gross in seventh grade.”
“You didn’t think kissing Alex Landy from our biology class was gross,” Brittany mutters rebelliously.
“He was -,” Santana begins, and then stops. “It doesn’t matter ok? I came here - I came all the way here - because I wanted to kiss you.”
“Oh,” Brittany says. There’s the beginning of a smile on her face. “So… you like me?”
“Yeah,” Santana says. She bites her lip, suddenly nervous again. “Is that - ok?”
Brittany leans in and kisses her briefly. “Yeah,” she says when she leans back. “It’s ok.”
II
“You see?” Patrick says when she flies back on Monday morning. “I told you so.”
Santana elbows him, but she’s grinning too hard to be upset.
II
They break the news to the rest of the gleeks at a welcome home party at the beginning of summer.
“Finally,” says Quinn. “We thought it’d never happen.” Rachel nods, grinning at Santana like she’s joined some sort of club. Santana kind of feels like she has.
It turns out Kurt, Mercedes, Finn and Artie have thought they were into each other since around sophomore year anyway. Mike doesn’t seem to care. Matt tells them he thinks their spirits must be intertwined. Puck just thinks it’s hot.
She’s kind of nervous about seeing Tina, because even though Brittany’s already told her, it’s still kind of weird. But Tina just nods at Santana, and smiles a little, and then she grabs Finn’s hand and takes him to the drinks table.
Brittany slips her arms around Santana’s waist, leaning her chin on her shoulder. Her lips press against Santana’s neck in a soft kiss.
“I told you,” she murmurs. “Nobody cares.”
Santana turns in Brittany’s arms and shoots her a glare. “Whatever,” she says. “Just kiss me already.”
Pairing: Brittany/Santana
Rating: R
Word Count: 6249
Spoilers: General for the series
Summary: They’re both going to college, but Santana is going away to New York, and Brittany is staying in Ohio, and for the final few weeks of summer, Santana can’t seem to stop wanting to spend all her time with her
Notes: A Gleekret Santa fic for nataixoco , who requested Brittany/Santana, Brittany/Tina and jealous!Santana. Kinda took the prompt and ran with it so I hope that’s ok.
The summer after graduation, the gleeks hire out a house at the beach in California for a week. They invite Mr Schue, who laughs and comes down for a few nights, but otherwise keep it just for the graduating seniors, who have all been there since the beginning. The junior and sophomore glee clubbers can have their turn later.
It’s fun; they spend their days on the beach and their nights trying to get into clubs, or drinking at the house and playing on the karaoke machine someone brought with them. For Santana, it’s like a week of unfamiliar freedom. She’s friends with everyone in the club now - she’s not as petty as she used to be - but she hangs around with Brittany most of the time, the both of them sharing jokes and lying in the sun and purposefully not noticing Rachel and Quinn sneaking between bedrooms at night.
It’s sort of a goodbye for all of them, a celebration and an ending to everything they’ve been for the last few years. When they part at the end of the week, they hug one another and promise to catch up soon, but everybody knows it won’t happen. They’ll never be together again, not like this.
Santana spends most of the rest of the summer hanging out at Brittany’s house. Sometimes they go to Quinn’s, or Puck’s and drink beer and hang out with any of the glee clubbers who can make it, or sometimes they go to Santana’s and watch movies and eat popcorn. They’re both going to college, but Santana is going away to New York, and Brittany is staying in Ohio, and for the final few weeks of summer, Santana can’t seem to stop wanting to spend all her time with her. She’s had years to memorize Brittany, to learn her features and her mannerisms, but now that they’re going in different directions, it doesn’t seem to be enough. She doesn’t want the summer to end.
The night before she’s due to leave for New York, Kurt throws a party for everyone. It’s not huge thing - Rachel, Mercedes, Matt and Mike are already gone, and Artie has some family thing he has to go to - but it’s nice anyway. Santana goes along with a six-pack of beer, and she gets nostalgic when she drinks it. The music is loud and Brittany wants to dance, but Santana doesn’t feel like it. Instead, she sits on the couch with Quinn, and watches Brittany dancing with Kurt, and then with Finn. She almost wishes they had another year of school left. She doesn’t voice the thought.
Later in the night, when she’s drunker, she kisses Puck for old time’s sake, and she ends up on her knees in the bathroom, listening to him groaning above her. Afterwards she won’t let him touch her - she just finds Brittany and tells her she needs to leave. Brittany takes her home, and hugs her when she cries, and Santana falls asleep in Brittany’s bed.
In the morning Brittany comes with her to the airport. Santana hugs her parents first and Brittany last, holding on tightly. Brittany hugs her back just as hard and kisses her on the cheek when she steps away.
“I’ll write you as soon as I can,” Brittany promises earnestly.
“You’d better, bitch,” Santana grins back, and then she waves at all of them and walks through the gates. She tries not to think about what she’s leaving behind.
II
College is new and exciting and different, and in the whirlwind of new experiences and drunken college parties, Santana almost forgets about home. She makes friends with her roommate, Alyssa, and the other students in her hallway, does well at her classes, eyes off the good-looking boys and pretends not to notice them eyeing her back.
She’s two weeks in when she gets her first email from Brittany. She sounds good; she’s enjoying college as much as Santana is, and she’s living across the hall from Tina. She’s into arty stuff, Brittany writes in the email, so we don’t have any classes together, but she’s really fun to hang out with.
Santana feels good until she reaches the end, where Brittany says how much she misses her. It’s been weird without you, Brittany writes. It’d be more fun if you were here.
It makes Santana feel guilty, and as soon as she’s finished reading, she pulls out all the photos of home and sticks them up on the wall. There’s a big one of her and Brittany at prom, both of them grinning at the camera and looking fantastic. She puts it in the middle.
She sends back an excited email, telling Brittany how amazing college is and how much fun she’s having. She feels a guilty twist in her stomach when she tells Brittany she’s been missing her too, and then suggests a time for one of them to call.
Love you, she puts at the bottom. Can’t wait to hear from you.
After she’s done, she lies on the bed and looks at the picture of the two of them until she falls asleep.
II
A few weeks after that, when she glow has worn off and she wants to strangle her roommate and drop out of all her classes, she skips a party one Saturday night and stays in instead. It’s only been two days since she last called Brittany, but she opens her email anyway.
I miss you, she types. College isn’t fun without you here. She hesitates a moment, and then writes, Stop spending all your time with Tina and come hang out with me!
Her phone rings. It’s her friend Elena, from across the hall, who’s going on a date tonight and wants Santana to help her get ready.
“I’m on my way to a party,” Santana lies smoothly. “Sorry. Maybe Melissa can help you instead.”
“Ok,” Elena says. Santana can hear the shrug in her voice. “See you.”
“Have fun,” Santana says, and hangs up. She turns back to the email she’d been typing and reads it over.
Her mouse hovers over the send button, and she shakes her head. She deletes it instead.
II
Brittany comes to visit for a weekend in mid-October. Santana squeals when she sees her at the airport, and she’s rewarded by Brittany jumping almost on top of her to wrap her up in a hug so tight she can’t breathe. Santana laughs and hugs her back and they both talk at the top of their voices all the way back to Santana’s room.
Brittany gets on well with Alyssa, and she seems to like the rest of Santana’s friends as well. Santana watches her talk to them, and she can’t help smiling. They’ve been calling and emailing on a semi-regular basis, but now that they’re together, she can see that Brittany’s changed. She’s older, more mature, and she’s dropped that habit she had in high school of trying to appear stupider than she really was. It’s a good change.
They go to a party that night, and Brittany seems right at home downing beers and returning the looks of interested guys. Later, while Santana is getting a drink, she sees Brittany talking to a guy, smiling, head tipping back as she laughs. Santana’s stomach twists unpleasantly, and she looks away.
Brittany’s back not long afterwards, and Santana can’t stop herself from asking nastily, “Where’s the guy sleazing all over you?”
Brittany just shrugs, used to Santana. “Boring,” she says. She leans closer so that nobody else will hear and says, “Your friend Elena’s hot.”
Santana is so surprised that she can’t respond. Brittany stands up, tugging on her hand. “Come on,” she says. “Let’s dance.”
She leads Santana onto the dance floor and begins to move, her shoulders swaying to the beat. She puts her hands on Santana’s hips and they move together, pressed up close. It’s nothing they haven’t done before, countless times even, but for some reason it’s different this time.
She isn’t sure whether to be relieved or annoyed when a fight breaks out and everybody ends up going home.
Brittany’s staying with her, sharing her single bed. Santana had thought nothing of it when she invited Brittany to stay, but it suddenly feels different. Brittany seems to notice nothing, curling up and falling asleep almost instantly. Santana lies next to her, staring into the darkness. It’s a long time before she falls asleep.
Brittany sleeps late in the morning. Santana’s up early, and she’s got breakfast ready by the time Brittany wakes around eleven. Brittany gives her a sleepy smile when she sees her, and Santana smiles back without thought.
She shows her around campus for most of the day, and they talk, and compare stories and Brittany catches Santana up on all the gossip. Rachel has gotten a small part in a musical on Broadway, Brittany informs her, but Santana snorts, because really, who in the world hasn’t heard that already?
“Maybe I should go see it,” Santana says, mostly sarcastic, but Brittany nods immediately.
“That would be so great,” she says enthusiastically. “I wish I could come with you.”
It makes Santana feel kind of guilty, how good a person Brittany is when she herself was being a bitch, so she hurries to ask more questions.
The rest of the glee clubbers are doing well, Brittany says. Quinn and Rachel have kept up their long distance relationship, and Quinn has been visiting the child she gave away three years ago. They’re happy.
Finn is putting his love of music to good use and learning about the industry. He’s decided he wants to run an agency company. Puck’s working as a manager in the local café. Kurt’s studying fashion and has a boyfriend. Artie and Mercedes haven’t been heard from for a while, “but then,” Brittany says, “they were always a little on the fringe, weren’t they?”
Matt and Mike are both on football scholarships. They don’t write or call much, not even to Finn. And then of course there’s Tina, who’s “so great,” Brittany says enthusiastically. “I mean, she’s still kind of different, you know? But she’s really fun to hang with. And her friends are really cool too.”
It’s maybe the twentieth time Brittany’s told her how great Tina is that weekend, and Santana bites her tongue when she hears it. Brittany’s allowed to have other friends, of course. The name still grates on Santana’s ears.
She steers the topic into safer territory, and they spend the afternoon talking about classes and how different college life is to school life. It’s all so nice and normal - as though they could be back in Brittany’s bedroom with school the next day - and Santana thinks how stupid she was to feel weird last night. This is Brittany, who’s been her best friend since middle school when she taught Santana how to do a round-off.
Still, when Brittany mentions going out again that night, Santana hurriedly says that she’d rather they stay in, just the two of them.
Alyssa goes out that night and tells them not to expect her back until the morning. Santana shrugs, and once she’s gone they push the two beds together and watch a movie on Santana’s laptop. Brittany falls asleep on her shoulder and it makes her smile.
They go to sleep on opposite sides of the two beds, but in the morning they’ve both rolled to the middle. When Santana wakes up with her arm over Brittany’s waist, their foreheads close together, she doesn’t move. She’s comfortable where she is.
II
When Brittany’s gone, Santana throws herself back into the swing of things. She studies hard and parties hard, and when Michael from her history class asks her out, she says yes immediately.
The date is fine; he’s nice and funny and charming, but when he kisses her she feels nothing. She doesn’t go out with him again.
II
Before semester had started, her parents had made her promise to come home for Thanksgiving. Santana had rolled her eyes and thought it was lame, but she’d promised anyway.
She’s really glad she did.
She gets in late Wednesday night and she greets her parents and spends a while telling them everything, and then she goes to her room, flops on her bed and thinks about how weird it is to be home.
She thinks about calling Brittany, but it’s late and she’s tired. She sends a text instead to say that she’s home and Brittany replies immediately, saying she can’t wait to see her. Santana smiles and goes to sleep.
She has lunch with her parents the next day, and when it’s over, she goes to Quinn’s house for a Thanksgiving party with the rest of the Gleeks. Quinn opens the door with Rachel firmly attached to her side, and they both hug her, which is a little weird, but Santana hugs them back and steps inside.
Not everyone is there - Matt has supposedly disappeared somewhere and isn’t coming home for the break, and Mercedes has to stay with her family, but the rest of them have come. Kurt’s brought his boyfriend, and Finn’s brought along a girl who looks nervous, and the three couples stand together in the centre of the room.
It’s kind of weird at first, being back with everybody, and there’s an awkward tension in the room, but then they start drinking, and it’s not weird anymore. Rachel’s telling anyone who will listen all about her role on Broadway and how amazing it feels and all the people she’s met. Only Finn seems to be genuinely interested, but Quinn’s holding Rachel’s hand and almost beaming at her, and it’s so cute it’s almost disgusting. Santana tries not to smile.
She’s talking to Brittany when Tina arrives, and Brittany waves her over enthusiastically. It surprises Santana, when she’s talking to both of them, how easy they are with each other. They tell stories together, and laugh at the same things, and share meaningful looks. At one point, Brittany even grabs Tina’s hand and squeezes it.
“So, you guys spend a lot of time together?” Santana asks, keeping her voice even, and her smile firmly in place.
“Not that much,” Brittany says, at the same time as Tina says, “Yeah, all of it.”
There’s an awkward pause, and Brittany seems to flush. Tina avoids Santana’s eyes.
“We live so close,” Tina offers quickly. “So, you know.”
“Yeah.” Santana nods. She doesn’t know. “I’m going to go get another drink, ok?”
She thinks she hears Brittany say something as she walks away, but she doesn’t stop to wait.
II
Brittany calls her late the next morning, just after Santana’s woken up.
“You want to hang out today?” she asks. “Just the two of us?” She sounds anxious, as if she thinks Santana might refuse.
“Sure,” Santana says. “You want to come over?”
“Yeah,” Brittany says, clearly relieved. “Great. I’ll be there soon.”
She turns up twenty minutes later with a DVD of Love Actually, and she holds it out like a peace offering. They go upstairs and put it on, and they get almost halfway through before Brittany turns to her and says, “Santana, listen…”
“Yeah?” Santana tries to sound offhand, as if she has no idea what Brittany’s going to say.
Brittany pauses, as if she has no idea what she’s going to say, and then she blurts, kind of awkwardly, “Sorry if we made you feel weird last night. Me and Tina, I mean.”
Santana bites down on her tongue for a second, and says, “What? No. It was fine.”
“I guess,” Brittany says, staring at the wall, “we kind of do spend a lot of time together. I mean, she’s so nice and all, and we have fun together. And plus, she’s there.”
“And I’m not,” Santana says bitterly. “I went away, and got replaced.”
“No,” Brittany says, and she sounds so upset that Santana feels instantly guilty. “You’re not being replaced. I swear.”
“Britt,” Santana says quickly. She wipes away an actual tear from Brittany’s cheek. “I’m sorry.” She grabs her hand and squeezes it. “I’m such a bitch. Britt, you’re allowed to be friends with whoever you want to be. Best friends, even. I’ve got good friends back in New York. I understand.”
She doesn’t, really. She doesn’t like saying it, but it makes Brittany look happier. She snuggles up close to Santana and they watch the rest of the movie in silence.
II
They spend the weekend together, and things are normal by the time Santana leaves. She discovers that she and Rachel are on the same flight out, and she’s annoyed at first, but it turns out to be a good thing, because Rachel talks non-stop and Santana doesn’t have time to think about why she doesn’t want to leave home.
She makes a decision to be friendlier when she gets back. She makes friends with a guy in her hall called Patrick, who sits next to her in American politics, and they end up hanging out during almost all of their spare time. They kiss one time when they’re both pretty drunk, but he’s got a girlfriend back home in California and for Santana it’s too reminiscent of Puck, so they stick to being good friends.
It’s not like Santana needs a Tina or anything. It’s just - you know. It’s kind of nice.
II
She talks to Brittany more often once they’re back. She emails every day, and calls when she can. They even set up skype, which they’ve been meaning to do for months now, and Santana finally gets to see where Brittany lives.
Tina really is close.
Brittany starts talking about Tina more and more, as if she’s taken the conversation they had as some sort of permission. Pretty soon Tina’s popping up in every story and comment. Sometimes, when they’re on skype, Tina even comes in to say hello to Santana, and then she stays, relaxing on Brittany’s bed and looking through her magazines as if she does it every day.
Santana tries not to mind. After all, she’s been talking about Patrick a lot lately - so much that Brittany’s started asking highly un-subtle questions about the two of them. So every time Tina’s mentioned, or appears behind Brittany in the webcam, Santana grits her teeth and smiles, and tell herself she doesn’t care.
Until Brittany tells her that they kissed.
I don’t know how it happened, Brittany writes in her email. I think we were pretty drunk.
Santana’s heart stops for a moment when she reads it, and then she forces herself to write back in an amused, happy tone.
Lol, Britt, she says. Don’t worry. I’m sure it won’t happen again.
That’s the thing, Brittany writes back almost immediately. I think I want it to.
Santana doesn’t write back for a couple of days. When she finally does, she apologizes for being so busy. She tells Brittany about her assignments, and about Melissa dropping out. She doesn’t mention Brittany’s admission.
Brittany, when she writes back, doesn’t bring it up either.
II
The rest of semester passes quickly, and before she knows it, she’s heading home for the Christmas break. Brittany picks her up from the airport and they smile and hug, but there’s something off between them.
“This is going to be the best Christmas ever,” Brittany promises her earnestly during the ride home. “Right?”
“Right,” Santana says, forcing a smile. “Best ever.”
It ends up being - well not the worst, that was the time when her dad and her uncle had a fight, and her dad ended up in hospital with three broken bones - but it’s definitely weird. Brittany brings Tina along almost every time she and Santana are supposed to hang out, and even when Tina isn’t actually, physically there, Santana still can’t get rid of her, because Brittany seems to mention her in every other sentence. It’s driving Santana crazy.
What’s worse is that she can see the way they act around one another. Brittany hasn’t brought up her kiss with Tina, and Santana’s avoiding the subject, but she’s reminded of it every time she sees Brittany and Tina together. They’re a little shy, a little hesitant - they linger longer than normal on casual touches, they watch each other when they think it won’t be noticed. They smile a lot.
She avoids the two of them, organizes parties and gatherings with the others, where she can ignore them and talk to other people. She spends a lot of time with Quinn, who’s feeling lonely because Rachel had to stay in New York over Christmas for her show. It reminds her of middle school, when she and Quinn and Brittany were all best friends and had promised to be so for life.
She misses that.
II
When she goes back for the new semester, she doesn’t talk to Brittany so much. She puts off calling her, and she emails once a week, instead of once a day. Brittany always writes back immediately.
“Are you ok?” Patrick asks, two weeks into semester. “You seem - are you upset about something?”
“I’m fine,” Santana says, and tries to smile.
“Ok,” Patrick says slowly. He doesn’t look convinced.
A week later, when she’s drunker than ever before and half unconscious on someone’s bathroom floor, she tries to tell him what’s wrong. It’s hard, though, because she can’t really explain what she’s feeling even to herself.
“It’s just, she was my best friend,” Santana says for possibly the fifth or sixth time. She rests her forehead on the cool wall and sighs in appreciation. “And now she’s - I don’t even know what she is.” She pauses. “I think I’m done throwing up,” she says.
Patrick draws her backwards into his lap. “She must be pretty special,” he says, rubbing her back soothingly.
“Yeah,” Santana murmurs. She turns her face into his shoulder and rests there, her eyes slipping shut. “She’s pretty special.”
II
When Brittany tells her she and Tina are dating, Santana’s not prepared for it at all.
It comes at the end of a fairly innocent email - Brittany’s been talking about classes and study and the news that Matt has reappeared as a ‘dirty hippy’ - and then all of a sudden Brittany says, Oh yeah, and Tina’s sort of my girlfriend now.
Santana blinks when she reads it, and she has to read it again, several times, to make sure it isn’t some sort of joke. We kissed a couple more times, Brittany says, and then she asked me out the other day. So, we’re kind of together.
There’s a, I hope that’s ok, at the bottom, and Santana stares at it. It’s not ok.
It’s not, like, a gay thing, because Santana thinks since Glee she’s been pretty open minded, but this isn’t ok at all.
She doesn’t write back.
Brittany writes again around a week later. All it says is, Hope you got my last email. How’ve you been? Write me. It’s signed with kisses.
Santana writes back after a couple of days. She says, Hey Britt. Really busy right now. Tell everyone I said hi. She doesn’t sign it at all.
Brittany’s reply that same afternoon is determinedly cheerful. She says she doesn’t mind Santana being busy, and updates her on how college is going. Can I call you? She asks. Skype Tuesday night?
Sorry, Santana replies on Wednesday morning. I was studying. She doesn’t say anything else.
She doesn’t get a reply, and then a few days later she makes the mistake of logging onto Facebook chat. Brittany starts talking to her immediately, and they make small talk for a few minutes while Santana tries to come up with an excuse to go offline.
Hey, Brittany says after a while, you never said anything about Tina. Are you ok?
Santana stares at the screen, and hesitates. No, she writes. I’m not. I don’t really like you dating her.
Why not? Brittany asks, and Santana doesn’t answer. I thought you’d be cool with it, Brittany says. You don’t seem to mind Quinn and Rachel.
Santana frowns. It’s not the gay thing. It’s not. It’s… she doesn’t know what it is. She just knows that she doesn’t like the thought of Brittany with Tina. Ok, if she’s honest with herself, she doesn’t like the thought of Brittany with anyone.
I’ve got to go, Santana says. We’ll talk later.
She knows they won’t.
II
She avoids Brittany after that, ignoring emails and dodging phone calls. She lets herself stalk Brittany’s profile on Facebook, but her stomach twists when she sees Brittany’s relationship status.
Tina sends her an email after a week or two. I’m sorry for causing so much trouble, she says. Britt really misses you. I think she’d really like it if you called her.
It makes Santana angrier than she should be. Nobody else has ever called Brittany ‘Britt’.
Before she calms down, she sends a nasty message to Brittany, telling her not to use her girlfriend - and she puts the word in quotation marks - to do her dirty work. Brittany’s reply sounds kind of sad and confused, and a little angry, and it makes Santana feel bad. It doesn’t make her feel any better when Brittany doesn’t make any more effort to contact her.
II
“I just - what is she doing?” Santana says to Patrick. He looks up from his history notes.
“Is Tina really that bad?” he asks.
“No,” Santana says. “I mean, yeah. Well, ok, she’s not awful or anything, it’s just -,”
“Just what?” Patrick says.
Santana glares at her textbook. “I don’t know. Just something.”
II
Back before college even started, before all of this was going on, Brittany and Santana had planned their Spring Break together. They were lucky enough to have it at the same time and they’d organized to fly to the beach and hire rooms next to one another.
They’ve already paid, so Santana doesn’t back out. Brittany doesn’t back out either. And she brings Tina.
Santana hangs out at the beach, and parties with the other college students there. They’re all nice enough, and once they’re drunk nobody cares anyway. She ignores Brittany.
Brittany and Tina, for their part, ignore her right back. Santana sees them sometimes, sitting on the beach together, or coming in and out of their room next to hers. One night they’re at the same party, and she has to watch them dancing together. When they make out, a bunch of guys cheer and crowd around them, and Tina blushes red. Brittany takes her hand and they leave together. They guys whistle. Santana grabs another drink.
She wakes up alone the next morning in an unfamiliar bed, with no memory of how she got there. Just as she’s trying to work out what the hell’s going on, the door opens, and a pretty girl comes in. Santana panics.
“What am I doing here?” she asks, feeling around under the covers and discovering that she’s still fully dressed.
The relief must show because the girl laughs. “You passed out on the floor last night,” she says. “I thought someone should make sure you didn’t get raped.”
“Oh,” Santana says. “Thanks.”
She goes back to her room with the worst hangover she’s ever had. The movies lied. Spring Break really sucks.
II
Easter is early that year, and Santana heads home for it with a feeling of trepidation. She asks Quinn and Rachel to pick her up at the airport, but Quinn comes alone, because Rachel’s only just got back, and she’s spending time with her dads.
They talk more than they have for years during the ride home - about college, and life and partners. It’s Quinn’s daughter’s birthday soon, and Quinn’s been going to see her. “She’s a nice kid,” Quinn says. “Sometimes I wonder whether… I mean, maybe I could have done it after all. Raised her.”
She doesn’t look at Santana, and that’s how Santana knows that Quinn is confiding in her. She thinks back to middle school.
It makes her feel more confident, and so she brings up Brittany and Tina. Quinn just shrugs.
“I think it’s kinda nice,” she says.
“Nice?” Santana repeats, disbelieving. “You thin it’s nice?”
“Yeah,” Quinn says. She half turns to Santana. “And why does it matter to you so much?”
Santana shrugs. “I guess it doesn’t,” she says, kind of resentfully. They don’t talk too much after that.
There’s a party on Saturday night, and Santana goes along even though she knows it’s a bad idea. Brittany and Tina spend the entire time together. Santana pointedly ignores them.
She sits between Rachel and Quinn on the couch, drink in hand, but she’s watching Brittany and Tina dance without taking a sip of it. She feels Quinn and Rachel exchange looks.
“Santana,” Rachel says. “I was wondering if it had occurred to you that you’re absolutely in love with Brittany?”
Santana finally takes her eyes away from Brittany to gape at Rachel. “What did you say, Berry?”
“Oh come on,” Rachel begins to scoff, but Quinn reaches across Santana and takes Rachel’s hand.
“Hold on, Sweetie,” she says, and turns to Santana. “It’s true,” she says in a tone that’s pretty gentle, for Quinn. “Look at you. You can’t keep your eyes off her.”
“You guys are insane,” Santana says. “Completely fucking insane.”
Later on - and not that she’s trying to prove anything, but - she kisses Puck. This time, when she’s crying and ashamed of herself, there’s no Brittany to take care of her.
II
She’s not in love with Brittany. She’s not.
The whole idea is ridiculous. They’ve been best friends since forever, and anyway, Santana digs guys, alright?
Still, she wishes Rachel hadn’t said that.
II
“Santana,” Patrick says, opening his door. “Hey. Come in.” He studies her. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” Santana shakes her head and sits down on his bed. “I mean. Shit. Patrick -,” she looks up at him, hardly believing what she’s saying. “I think I’m in love with my best friend.”
“Oh,” Patrick says, his eyes widening. “That’s - uh, that’s really - I mean, I’m flattered, Santana, because you’re really hot and all, but I’ve got Anna back home and you -,”
“No,” Santana interrupts. “Not you. Brittany.”
“Oh,” Patrick says. “Oh.” He sits down next to her.
“Yeah,” Santana says. They sit in silence for a minute.
“So, what are you going to do?”
Santana shakes her head. “Nothing. I’m not going to do anything.”
II
The first she hears of Brittany and Tina’s break up is over Facebook, when her news feed alerts her to the fact that Brittany’s relationship status is now set to single. A bunch of people Santana’s never heard of have commented, asking what happened. Someone else just asks whether Brittany’s stolen their charm bracelet. Brittany’s reply only says, haha, just didn’t work out. And prue, you left it in ted’s bathroom, you ho. :p
Santana digests the information. She’s still got the picture of herself and Brittany above her bed. She stares at it for a while.
“What do I do?” she asks Patrick later.
“Whatever you want to,” he answers. “But try being nicer this time.”
II
She sends Brittany a tentative email with Patrick looking over her shoulder.
I’m sorry about you and Tina, it says. And I’m sorry about everything else too. Love, S.
Brittany responds after a couple of days. I wish we were still friends, she says, with typical Brittany frankness.
Santana closes her eyes to ward off tears. Me too, she sends back. Brittany doesn’t reply.
II
“I have to do something,” Santana says, pacing her room. Patrick, stretched out on her bed, looks up at her.
“Are you really in love with her?” he asks.
“I don’t know,” Santana says. “I mean, yeah. I think so.”
“Ok.” Patrick sits up. “Tell her.”
Santana stops pacing and stares. “What?”
“Tell her,” Patrick says again. “Go to her, and tell her.”
“Go to her?” Santana repeats. “Come on. She’s in Ohio.”
Patrick stands up and grabs her by the shoulders. “Do you think Peter Parker would ever have gotten Mary Jane without all the grand gestures?” he asks. “Do you think Noah would have gotten Allie if he hadn’t kissed her in the rain?” He shakes her a little. “Go to her.”
Santana hesitates a moment. “But - I don’t have a flight - and it’s Friday tomorrow. I have classes.”
“So skip them,” Patrick says. “Go.”
“Ok,” Santana says. She’s half laughing, because this plan is crazy. “Ok, I’ll go.”
II
It occurs to her, when she finally gets there just after one in the morning, that she has absolutely no idea where Brittany’s dorm is. She thinks back to everything Brittany ever told her about the campus, and searches for landmarks. She gets the wrong dorm first, but a pissed off girl points her in the right direction, and she finally gets to Brittany’s door. She knows it’s right this time because Tina’s door, which is covered in posters, is right opposite, and Santana definitely recognizes that.
She hesitates outsides for a few minutes, because this is probably a bad idea, and because anyway it’s close to two in the morning, and Santana would be pretty pissed off if someone woke her up this late when she had class in the morning. She’s this close to leaving altogether when there’s a tiny sound from inside the room that Santana recognizes instantly. Brittany is crying.
Santana knocks before she’s even made a conscious decision that she wants to. The crying stops.
“Who is it?” Brittany asks from inside.
“It’s me,” Santana says, wiping her hands on her jeans. It’s ridiculous to be this nervous.
There’s a silence, and then Brittany opens the door. She’s in her pajamas, and her eyes are red and puffy. She stares at Santana with no emotion.
“What are you doing here?” she asks blankly.
“I came to see you,” Santana says.
“Yeah,” Brittany says. “I can see that.”
They stand in her doorway in silence. Santana swallows. “So, can I come in?” she asks finally.
Brittany cocks her head to the side, as if she’s considering. “I guess so,” she shrugs. She turns away and goes to sit on her bed. Santana follows, standing awkwardly in the middle of the room.
“I was sorry,” she offers after a minute. “About, you know. You and Tina.”
“I know,” Brittany says, her voice still flat. “You said so in the email.”
“Yeah,” Santana says. “Yeah, I did.”
She scuffs her foot against the floor. Brittany’s perched on the edge of her bed, her hands tucked between her knees and her head down. She doesn’t move when Santana sits down beside her.
“Brittany,” Santana says, and swallows. “I’m here because I wanted to tell you something.”
“Yeah?” Brittany says, without looking up. She sounds so hurt that Santana wants to slap herself. If anyone else had made Brittany sound like that, Santana would have kicked their asses for sure.
“Brittany,” Santana says again, and then she grabs Brittany by the shoulders, and kisses her.
When she pulls away, Brittany looks stunned. “What was that for?” she asks, sounding genuinely perplexed.
“Oh, come on, Britt,” Santana says, her heart hammering. “Why do you think I didn’t like Tina?”
“Um,” Brittany says. She scrunches up her face as if she’s thinking. “But, wait. You’re not - you don’t like girls.”
“How do you know?” Santana challenges.
“You wouldn’t practice kissing with me in seventh grade,” Brittany accuses.
“What?” Santana’s eyebrows shoot upwards in disbelief. “Come on,” she says. “That was seventh grade. I thought all kissing was gross in seventh grade.”
“You didn’t think kissing Alex Landy from our biology class was gross,” Brittany mutters rebelliously.
“He was -,” Santana begins, and then stops. “It doesn’t matter ok? I came here - I came all the way here - because I wanted to kiss you.”
“Oh,” Brittany says. There’s the beginning of a smile on her face. “So… you like me?”
“Yeah,” Santana says. She bites her lip, suddenly nervous again. “Is that - ok?”
Brittany leans in and kisses her briefly. “Yeah,” she says when she leans back. “It’s ok.”
II
“You see?” Patrick says when she flies back on Monday morning. “I told you so.”
Santana elbows him, but she’s grinning too hard to be upset.
II
They break the news to the rest of the gleeks at a welcome home party at the beginning of summer.
“Finally,” says Quinn. “We thought it’d never happen.” Rachel nods, grinning at Santana like she’s joined some sort of club. Santana kind of feels like she has.
It turns out Kurt, Mercedes, Finn and Artie have thought they were into each other since around sophomore year anyway. Mike doesn’t seem to care. Matt tells them he thinks their spirits must be intertwined. Puck just thinks it’s hot.
She’s kind of nervous about seeing Tina, because even though Brittany’s already told her, it’s still kind of weird. But Tina just nods at Santana, and smiles a little, and then she grabs Finn’s hand and takes him to the drinks table.
Brittany slips her arms around Santana’s waist, leaning her chin on her shoulder. Her lips press against Santana’s neck in a soft kiss.
“I told you,” she murmurs. “Nobody cares.”
Santana turns in Brittany’s arms and shoots her a glare. “Whatever,” she says. “Just kiss me already.”