Looking for a little feedback

[jelazakazone]

Anyone want to help me out with the last piece of this?  It feels like something is missing, but I'm not sure what.  Someone suggested more angst before the secret comes out, but I don't want to get into the backstory as these pieces are supposed to be about the secrets being revealed.  It was interesting how hard it was to write, almost as if it

Comments

[dunderklumpen]

What I meant with angst for the last part was some kind of reaction by Arthur which isn't just acceptance. He's too calm for me. For that you don't need much backstory though.

[jelazakazone]

Oh. Maybe that's what kleinefee92 was getting at too. I am rather thick sometimes. I thought the two of you were saying Merlin needed to be more angsty. *facepalm*

Ok. I can work with that. Later.:D Thanks!! ♥

(Probably too late for you now, but I've edited it. More angsty now:)

[dunderklumpen]

It's much better now. My little h/c heart is satisfied:)

[jelazakazone]

Yay! Thanks so much for the help:D

[gealach_ros]

I like the first two like they are but think Arthur is accepting Merlin's magic a bit too fast. I also found the 'porn bits' (Arthur getting hard and the kiss in the end) didn't really fit with the rest of the story.

The idea of Merlin calling Kilgharrah and revealing his magic that way is really cool, though. :D

[jelazakazone]

Ok, everyone seems in agreement that Arthur accepted the reveal too soon:) I will fix that.

Drat. I need to quit trying to write sexy stories.

Hah! That was at least partly someone else's idea (Anon X:)). Can't remember who came up with it, but we had chatted about it before. I know she wanted them wet and naked too. :D

Thanks! ♥

[gealach_ros]

You shouldn't try to quit writing sexy stories - maybe just focalise on one thing at a time (in this case writing a reveal story and keeping the sexy times for later) for now?

IMO it just feels a bit rushed/'crammed in' as it is. Maybe if Arthur takes his sweet time accepting what's been revealed to him but in the end he remembers how sexy Merlin was speaking Dragon it'd work better?

Also this question: are all three stories set in the same canon verse or are they different canon verses? Because when Merlin tells Gwen in the second story that he wants to see her and Arthur be happy and in the next story he snogs Arthur that's probably a bit irritating. :P

[jelazakazone]

Ah, yeah. Fair enough. I do have this annoying tendency to bite off more than I can chew. Sexy times will go on the back burner for this one.

Three different 'verses. Or at least the middle one is different. The middle one is the same as the previous Merlin/Gwen I did (with the bathing and hair care).

Ha, if they were the same 'verse, it would be rather abrupt! Unless, there was a different kind of triangle going on:D

[jelazakazone]

Ok! I'll make Merlin suffer a little more. this is why I haven't written any magic reveal stories before:D

(more angsty now:)

[nympha_alba]

To me, the missing thing in all of these is... the angst

[gealach_ros]

Canon!Gwaine seems to care about food more than anything, I wouldn't be surprised if he'd react like: "You have magic my friend, cool. But can we order dinner now, the pigling smells heavenly." :P

I agree about more angst in regards to Arthur and a reveal, though. Merlin'd be in a cold sweat to face Arthur after he witnessed Merlin do magic and I don't think he'd be quite so calm and 'oh well, that's ok, I understand'.

[jelazakazone]

LOL. Yeah, that's how I see Gwaine too. He's just cool with everything, as long as it doesn't interfere with his dinner.

As I said to nympha_alba, I have a much harder time writing Arthur and this is from his POV. I will try to get into his head a little better and add more angst.

Thanks for chatting with me (and others!) here about this.

[nympha_alba]

True about Gwaine! Food and drink. :) So perhaps I don't have much of a point there. More with Arthur though.

[jelazakazone]

LOL. Really? You want more angst? This is enough angst here, right? I'm all wrung out after this little bit. I think I have a better future with angst than sex though:)

[jelazakazone]

*shew*

Um, not sure I can make that promise. I like writing turned on people:)