Chocolate Fic for moon979child
To: moon979child
From: win03die
Title: The Matchmakers
Pairing: Multiple, but I guess it comes (crashing) down onto Koichi/Maya Miki.
Rating: PG-13 (for...um?)
Summary: Koichi is pining for Maya Miki, the strong and independent actress (who looks amazing in a uniform). He somehow (mainly because Tsuyoshi is out of town on a fishing trip with with Leah Dizon) teams up with Tackey, because Tackey is, after all, the (second) prince in the company.
Watch the two of them first get more or less useful advice from their own seniors, just to (try to) help multiple Johnnys with their lovelives, while determined to stay out of the headlines and let their juniors have some "normal" romance in their lives. The missions involve stakeouts, accusing certain actors of being gay, and one kouhai who bests the two without even trying.
Will the two heartthrobs find their matches as well in the end?
A/N: This got kind of (kind of!?) out of hand. It's light and cracky and I hope the recipient will like it. If not, just tell me and I'll write you something else :]
Warnings: crack, cheese. AU because all the girls and boys mentioned are single unless stated otherwise.
Part 1: The Learning.
Domoto Koichi sitting on his living room floor in front of the television is not a common sight. Even less common is the occurence that his eyes would be glued to the screen and his forefinger fumbling between the pause-rewing-play buttons of the Dvd-player's remote control.
Maya Miki's character, in a very fitting and sexy uniform first glares at the camera and then her features soften and she tentatively smiles. Koichi thinks he could get his heart rate measured to make some new records. And then he watches it again. And again.
Muttering to himself and cursing loudly, when the phone began to ring, he dropped the remote from his slightly shaking hands and reluctantly left his spot on the floor to stumble to the hall to look for his phone. It took him a while to register that there was something off with the ringtone. He was almost, almost certain that before meeting Nagase at the bar last night, it had indeed been Bon Jovi's It's My Life and most definitely NOT Oshiri Kajiri Mushi (*1).
He shivered and with great difficulty fished the flashing phone from under the large cardboard box full of new clothes which his stylist had dragged in earlier.
"Hnhgh. You better be drowning there to disturb me."
"We haven't even reached the beach yet, actually. I just thought to check on you, partner." Tsuyoshi's voice, accompanied by the telltale wroom of a car in the background, came from the speaker.
"I'm splendid. 'til you disturbed my..." that was as far as Koichi got, when he was abruptly interrupted.
"No, no, no! Leah! No! What are you doing? You should've taken the left there." Indignant female shrieks, panicked whimpers and a crash later Tsuyoshi sighed in the other end.
"As I was saying, I was fine 'til you... wait, Leah who?"
"Uh.. what's her name again..." there was a yawn "Dizon".
"You're...with Leah Dizon?" Koichi's voice went up an impressice octave. Something that happened neither in the recording booth not on stage.
"We're going fishin'. And now we're taking the long route there too. Call you later, mate. Gotta check that my lures didn't get damaged when she jumped on the brake..."
The line went dead. Koichi blinked at the phone.
Some time later he received a text message. It said:
"Stop watching the Shibatora dvd for the nth time. Make your move already or I'll call her when I'm done with Leah-chan."
Koichi shivered. Maybe he really ought to do something. He groaned. It was times like this when partners were needed. And where the cabbage was his? Gone fishing with a gravure idol. Fishing with a gravure idol.
The bright midday Sun found Koichi standing in front of the Tokyo Imperial Theater. He glanced at the huge billboards all around that sported different pictures of a handsome young man in his twenties. Well, if he had to, he kind of could see why the guy was dubbed a prince...
"Ko-chan?" Koichi twirled around, but instead of the 180-degree turn he had had in mind, the rain wetting the sidewalk had done a good job and with the slightly heeled boot-like footwear that for some reason had glittered soles, he spinned complete 360 degrees and not too gently slammed his royal nose to one of the boards he'd been looking at earlier. He involuntarily flushed.
"Ko-chan?" came the voice again and hands helped him stand upright and turn to face the speaker. The person standing behind him was exactly the same whose head- and body shots covered a big part of central Tokyo. Including the beforementioned posters and billboards. Koichi grinned weakly.
"Hi, Tackey."
An hour later the large supply of stuffed animals on the younger man's living room couch had to make room for the guest. Tackey hollered from another room for his senior to make himself at home while he'd go to search for something to drink. Even if Koichi was used to luxurious apartments, Tackey owned an entire house. And on top of that, a freaking huge one.
A little crash was heard, but in a few minutes Tackey appeared in the doorway, sporting an infectious grin and proudly holding up a bottle of the finest Yamazaki malt whiskey. Koichi could almost feel the headache coming already.
"You know... you didn't really have to get me drunk to make me talk about this", Koichi whined, half-asleep and curled into a ball on the sofa. He was cuddling one of the bigger pastel-colored teddy bears.
Tackey laughed, high-pitched.
"Of course I know that. It's just so that you're so much funnier when you're wasted."
He received no reply, and a glance towards the Osakan revealed that the older man was fast asleep, his middle finger frozen in an offensive gesture while his elbow was perched on the arm west.
Tackey grinned to himself and got up on slightly unsteady feet. Then he grabbed a blanket and covered his guest with it.
Satisfied with how this had turned out, the blonde headed for his bedroom. He only ran into one doorframe and knocked down a few hairspray bottles before he reached the bed.
Koichi thought that the universe just might hate him. There could hardly be any other reason to why his back was achy and why he could clearly hear the infuriatingly happy poppy music and singing coming from somewhere in the house.
"Crazy crazy rainbow star... twinkle twinkle rainbow star! Yei~~!"
Koichi was absolutely certain that the universe hated him with passion. He grabbed a relatively big fluffy pillow with his right hand and with the left he reached behind his back to get a hold on the very reason why his body was stiff as a stick. Seconds later the rice-filled culprit flew over the back of the couch.
"Wakey wakey, Ko-chan. We've got a mission to do." Tackey's cheery voice was alarmingly close.
Hesitantly Koichi opened an eye to find his host's face about two inches from his. He yelped and bounced backwards to get some space between them. Unfortunately for him, the couch wasn't meant for such activities and the treacherous piece of flower-patterned furniture toppled over, throwing him to the floor.
"I am aware that you're fond of all kinds of falling stunts, but my sofa isn't the same as stairs. I've got a healthy breakfast done so when you've gotten the sofa back up, join me in kitchen."
Koichi had a sudden urge to punch something. Or someone. He climbed from under the couch and tried to get it back on its feet. After some huffing, puffing and unsuccesfull tumbling he cursed, wrapped the blanket around himself and followed the music.
Meguro station was swarming with people, as the two took the escalator and rose up to the street. Tackey lead the way and had to stop only twice to call his manager, whom he had named "My Lifesaver-san" for more directions. Before long they stood in front of an modern, expensive-looking, white-walled house with four floors and a rather grumpy-looking security guard standing in front of the door.
"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Koichi's voice shook slightly as continued casting nervous glances around.
"Of course. I mean, we need some advice with women and who do you think could give it better than THE man?" Tackey put his gold-rimmed sunglasses on and confidently strolled to the door.
Koichi sighed, fumbled with his own disguise glasses and, trying to make himself as small as possible, followed.
Security guard gave them (that is, the idol and his weird friend who was hiding behind him) no trouble and they entered the hall. The hall only held one door. It was massive oak and there were golden letters etched on it. They read: "Kimura".
Tackey grabbed the stylish door knocker. There was a faint "Just a minute!" -shout coming from the inside, and they waited.
The door opened revealing Japan's number one idol and daydream, Koichi's and Tackey's admired senior, Kimura Takuya. His appearance caused the two a minor shock, because really, you don't expect him to open the door wearing loose jeans, a green apron with daisy patterns and the wild fringe made into a pert pony tail on the top of his head.
When the two were seated in the luxurious leather armchairs, Kimura shut down the vacuum cleaner, applied some lotion to his hands and asked:
"So, what brings you guys here?"
Koichi almost ran out of the building, Tackey not far behind. They found a secluded corner in a ramen shop and sat down.
"This was such a bad idea. I was off far much better with drooling over my dvd-collection at home", Koichi grumbled.
"Ah, that kind of attitude is very bad for you. You'll get wrinkles", Tackey announced and slurped some noodles.
Koichi resisted the urge to get hold on a mirror at that second.
"Besides", Tackey continued, "to woo such a mature woman as Maya-san, you'll need much deeper expertise than some fangirl-stuff. Thus we are getting some advice from our respected senpais and then gather more information when using those on the kouhais. With that experience you'll have a good chance with Maya-san. My strategy is perfect as always! Now eat." Tackey picked the scallops from his bowl and put them in Koichi's.
"But..."
He couldn't see how Kimura's answer had helped them at all. Then he figured that free food was always free food and dug in.
"I told you this was a good idea. SMAP are recording Waratte Iitomo now there! So when they come to the dressing room, we'll have plenty of time to talk. " Tackey looked very pleased with himself.
"I just hope this goes better than what it did with Kimura-senpai..." Koichi muttered.
"Oh, I think it was just some slight miscalculation in your part. I mean, you should have known that someone like Kimura-san would be totally different from anyone else."
"Uh... but still, telling us that he doesn't have any specific tactics and that women just come to him with him just standing there is kind of unfair."
"It's life, Ko-chan. But everyone knows that Inagaki-kun is a true womanizer. This time we won't be wrong."
"I suppose...Hey!? MY miscalculation?" But Tackey was not paying attention. He was distracted by the shiny cape hanging on the clothes rack.
Inagaki Goro had finished his promotional appearance and stepped in his dressing room. He walked straight to the mirror and only when he had confirmed that his hair was fine, did he nod to his juniors. Before he had time to say anything though, two beautiful AD-girls came in and gave him meaningful looks.
He automatically turned his charm-switch on, flashing a wide smile and leaning close to the first beauty.
"Well hello there. Do you mind if I stare at you up close instead of from across the room?" Then he fixed his hair one more time, turned around to face the other girl and continued: "You're so beautiful that you made me forget my pick-up line."
"I...I'm not so sure we could make this kind of stuff work", was Koichi's stuttering comment after Inagaki Goro left the room with a girl in each arm.
Tackey pointed to hallway through the door that had been left open. Nakai Masahiro strolled by, laughing loudly. He had three girls all over him.
A moment of devastated silence. Then Tackey said, in a very small voice:
"Maybe, uh, SMAP are in their own league. We could skip them."
Koichi could only nod furiously in agreement.
Day two and their trip to visit the next seniors didn't star with promising weather. It was rainy and grainy and Koichi just could not figure out how to walk with the glittery shoes. Then he sneaked a glance at Tackey, who was energetically hopping from one relatively dry patch of the road to another while clutching a golden handbag and was instantly feeling better. At least he wasn't making a fool of himself.
That was, until they came to a small uphill and his shoes let him down, sending him practically gliding down the slippery slope and falling over a fence, straight into the sheepfold.
An animal started munching on his hair.
Koichi shrieked.
When a very worried-looking Leader and a very stormy-looking Matsuoka were taking care of a stock of terrified lambs, Koichi and Tackey received full bowls of steaming tomato soup from a cheerful Taichi.
"Go ahead and eat. Gussan and Nagase are giving the pineapple tree some counceling and Leader and Mabo are going to take their sweet time. Mind telling me why you barged into our village?"
The last words were slightly stifled since the slim man was waist-deep in a roughly sculpted, huge wooden chest. A minute later he emerged from there with a happy squeal.
"I found it! I hid the umeboshi there last month when it looked like our youngest was going to devour all the food we had at the farm", Taichi explained, holding up an originally shaped clay can with a pirate flag scetched on it.
The train trip back to Tokyo was far from bequem. It didn't help that Koichi was sneezing violently every three minutes.
"So, we have a top50-list of classic TOKIO -pick up lines, a book of recipes, invites to members only -stripclubs and plenty advice on how to get yourself and the woman naked in a blink of an eye." Tackey confirmed, rubbing his temples.
Koichi didn't say much, but he was beginning to doubt this whole plan. He just wanted to get to his own apartment and sleep.
He sneezed.
The morning didn't come quietly. There was persistent knocking noise and rustling to be heard from Koichi's apartment door. When he saw the three of Tonisen from the peephole, he sighed in relief and opened the door. The three visitors got forcibly drawn inside and then Koichi, only wrapped in a satin sheet, slammed the door shut and fastened the two extra chains just in case.
"Thank God. I thought you were Tackey", he said in relief as he leaned his back against the door.
"Not that it probably makes a huge difference, but he kind of sent us here. He's got a cold." Inohara was the first one to find his tongue.
"So he told you? About my c-c-crush on Maya Miki?"
"Your crush? That's been a topic on the Jimusho webchat for months", Nagano grinned and then continued exploring Koichi's wine bottles.
"Webchat?" His mouth was suddenly dry.
"So, we're supposed to tell you how to court a woman. Take a pencil and paper, and let Inohara-sensei begin his lecture."
Two hours later Inohara really needed a drink because his throat was getting dry from the preaching, Sakamoto was asleep on the floor, his head resting on Nagano's thighs. Nagano was skimming through the Tokyo Michelin Guide, marking the good date spots and writing small notes about food recommedations on the side. His glasses were sliding down his nose all the time, and finally he just rested the book on top of Sakamoto's head so that he could hold the glasses up with his hand.
Koichi? Koichi was still clad only with the sheet down his waist, sitting on the couch with his feet under him and staring at Inocchi with the look of a confused and lost child.
Satisfied with his work, Nagano finally shook Sakamoto awake, grabbed the crooning Inohara by the ear and ushered them out of Koichi's apartment. Right when he was about to shut the door behind him, Ken, Go and Okada rushed past him and into the Osakan's home. Nagano decided that he could lecture them another time and escorted his two bundles out of the building.
When Koichi came back to the world, he had somehow lost his sheet and was lying on the couch stark naked. Not like that was something he'd never done before, since his outings with Nagase tended to end with both of them in less clothed states. The unnormal thing was that his thighs and legs were covered with blue and black doodles of monkeys and elephants. The giggles and a sound of glass breaking from the kitchen confirmed his fears.
Koichi didn't stop to think; he simply bolted up from the couch and hurried to the kitchen. Ken was sitting on the table, cross-legges, while Go had cut and organized ten carrots in a row on the floor and was now bowling them down with a tomato. Okada had his feet in the sink and was sipping tea. Koichi shook his head to clear it up.
"Wow, Ko-chan... We never knew you were an exhibitionist. But you know, we don't need to see ALL of you like this", Ken smirked.
Koichi looked down, saw his naked state and quickly exited. He returned flushed but with sweatpants on.
"I don't get why we're here though. All I can tell is that the girls like the bad boy image, but that you gotta have a soft side too. Yay, strike!" Go shouted and high-fived Ken.
"You can get any woman if you're cute enough. Sadly, I don't think you have it in you, no matter how much animals you'll get tattooed all over you", Ken snickered.
Koichi groaned and then turned to Okada, still perched on his counter and feet in the sink. The teamug said: "I am too young to be 30!"
"So, what's your dating advice?"
"Mine? I freak out if I even look at a girl and don't know what to say. Lucky for me, they think that is sexy and mysterious. You're just out of luck. Say my hello to Tsuyo if and when he gets back from, uh, socializing with miss Dizon." Okada dumped the mug and on the way out gently caressed the wooden wardrobe.
Finally left alone, Koichi found his cellphone and called Tackey while he waited for his bath to fill up.
"I take it that V6 did their job?" was the cheery greeting from the other end of the line.
"Um, about that..."
"Great! Now you've been taught. It's time to apply the knowledge and help our beloved kouhais. I'll meet you tomorrow at the Jimusho 9 AM sharp. See ya!"
In the V6 bus, on the way to the location shoot, Ken and Go were giggling madly.
Inohara wanted to be let in, and asked for the reason.
From between the wheezing laughter, hiccups and coughs he could make out, that the blue marker had been permanent.
Whatever that then was supposed to mean.
(*1) this song.
Part 2: The Campaign.
Koichi wasn't entirely too sure he was up to this. He had done some imaginary training last night, playing different scenarios of how he could make Maya-san fall for him, but for one reason or another the results had mainly varied from being hit with a heavy handbag (that suspiciously reminded him of Tackeys golden one) to him being laughed at.
However, he had done it and gotten himself out of the apartment and was standing in the hall of the Jimusho even before the clock stroke nine.
Soon Tackey emerged too. He was carrying a large sports bag and had scouted two Kid-My-Ft2 members to carry the other one for him. The juniors scurried off and Koichi found himself in charge of the mentioned bag. It was heavy, but thankfully the way to Tackey's room wasn't long.
The two "princes" of Johnnys had planned their attack and were approaching Arashi's lounge, when a blood-freezing scream tore the air. Always worried for his juniors' wellbeing, Tackey rushed to the door and yanked it open. On the floor was Aiba Masaki, covered by an angry-looking Matsumoto Jun, who was clearly trying to strangle his bandmate.
"I can't believe you used up the entire bottle! How you be so careless? It's not like it could even help with the disaster that is your hair", Jun snarled.
Tackey was excited.
"See!" he shushed to Koichi. "Jun is a very metrosexual man taking care of his looks and then he is also expressing his dominant, masculine side. It's perfect!"
"Perfect?" Koichi was dumbfounded.
"Don't you see? We've got the perfect date solutions for this", Tackey circled a number in his notebook and shoved the said piece of equipment on Koichi's face.
Koichi, after seeing what his friend meant, could only agree.
Inoue Mao was clutching her VIP-pass to the Tokyo Hair Expo tightly in her hand. She couldn't wait to see who had to mysteriously and anonymously sent it to her. Her friends had all been greenish for jealousy and even her manager had muttered sourly when she had opened the cream-colored envelope. She had dressed nicely in pastel green and not a hair in her high friseur was out of place. She gracefully walked through the entrance.
Matsumoto Jun looked around in the large Expo Hall. He had been happy to receive the invitation, although why it had come with two tickets to the night's pro wrestling match was something he couldn't quite understand. Suddenly there was rustling and hissing behind his back, but before he had the chance to turn around, his shoulders were gripped in an iron grip and a raspy voice began whispering to him.
"Your date is here, looking all nice in light green. You'll enjoy browsing this exhibit with her and then you'll take her to the match. If you don't, I can guarantee that your group mates will be messing with your hair products double as much as they're doing now."
"Look, I don't know who the hell do you think you are, but that's blackmail. No one blackmails me", Jun said dryly.
"Oh, I'd much rather call it 'gentle persuation'. Don't you think that sounds nicer too?" was the amused reply.
There was a tap on his shoulder and a slight ruffle on his head that made him wince a little, but then the man was gone. The voice had been strangely familiar, but there was no way... Absolutely no way.
Jun screened the crowd for a green lady, and a smile lit up his face. He approached.
Behind the huge pyramide made of hair spray bottles there were two men high-fiving each other. The plan was working maybe even better than what they had expected. Koichi wanted to take a stroll and look at the displays since there were here already. Tackey didn't have anything against it, even though being so in public wearing the long leather coats and oldstyle cowboy hats with colored sunglasses couldn't be that great of an idea. He shrugged and went along.
Koichi tugged at Tackey's hand and pointed to a dreadlock-stand.
"Oh my God! Do you see what I see?" he hissed.
Tackey took a double take. Two young boys were looking at the pictures of different dreadlock styles. They were pointing and gushing together. The taller one of the two trailed his fingers along the shorter one's dreadlocks before saying something that made them both laugh. His arm remained on the other boy's shoulder.
"See? That is SO gay!" Koichi's high-pitched voice rose in volume and his pointing fingers didn't help their incognito-appearance either.
The duo, who Tackey now recognised as the BFF-actors Sato Takeru and Miura Haruma, had heard Koichi and turned around. Now they were steadily making way and walking towards them.
Tackey cursed, took a strong hold on Koichi's still flailing arm and dragged his partner behind the corner. The two actors came by shortly after, looking around but not noticing the two shadows in the corner. Now that had been close.
The plan had been to follow their set-up couple to the wrestling match, but they had completely lost Jun and his date in the crowd.
One drastic setback was, when Koichi's carelessly thrown hat landed on the hairspray pyramide and caused it to collapse. The head of security, who had seen Koichi throw the cursed piece of clothing, friendly but sternly insisted that the two would build it back with their own hands or the consequenses would be severe.
Neither of the men was home before midnight.
"I think", Tackey began, "that we need to give our help to the one that needs it the most."
"I really hope you don't mean that we're going to get Ohno a girlfriend", Koichi looked horrified.
"No, no. Think about it. Who is always suffering from bad press about his poor relationships?"
"You don't mean...!?"
"Yes I do."
Koichi's grin was feral.
The club was called JINX. It was filled with smoke, neonlights and girls with too little clothing. Tackey held Koichi by the waist as they checked in.
"Okay, I get that you don't want anyone, least Akanishi, to recognize me, but I still do not think that dressing me up as a girl was necessary", Koichi grumbled as he pressed closer to Tackey.
"It can't be that bad. You're just wearing jeans, make-up and a long wig. You look quite pretty too", Tackey smiled mirthfully.
Koichi stomped his new low-heeled shoe down on Tackey's toes.
"Stop that! Besides, this way we can get close to Jin on the dance floor without waking too much suspicious", Tackey said as he lead his partner to the packed floor.
Akanishi Jin looked confused, when he saw his friend and senior in the club. This place wasn't what Tackey preferred, and even if the girl was 'quite alright' (he scanned the girl's body and winked at Tackey), it was still weird.
Soon he forgot about that though, because he had two exceptionally good looking American blondes dancing really really close to him. So he just closed his eyes and let go. When the music slowed to seductive electronic ballad with a faint beat, he opened one eye, looked the girl with the silver top in the eye and breathily whispered:
"You know... your dancing... really makes my software turn into hardware." Then he winked.
The girl giggled and pushed up against him boldly, sliding her hands around his neck. Five minutes later they were gone.
"You know, Ko-chan... I don't think he needs help with the picking up after all", Tackey huffed.
"Mhhh" was all the answer he got.
"Are you sleeping on ME? Dammit, Ko-chan!" He shook him awake and they headed after Jin and the girl.
The sounds coming from inside the toilet made them stop dead on their tracks. Another couple was standing close by, and the guy said:
"Get in line. Those two just got in there like two seconds ago."
Tackey and Koichi paled.
"I think he's got hand of the quick-stripping too..." Koichi's voice was muffled because he had buried his face in Tackey's neck.
On the way out someone groped Koichi's jeans-clad thigh.
Koichi threw the wig to the closet and washed away the make up. Then he called Tsuyoshi.
"Mmnight."
"Tsuyoshi?"
"Who else did you expect, after calling me and all?"
"Where are you?"
"Fishin'" *yawn*
"You're still out in the middle of nowhere with Leah Dizon?"
"Yes?"
"I hate you."
"No you don't. I've had the time of my life laughing at what you've done during the past week."
"You what?"
"You heard me." silence, then an indignant shriek. "Leah! I told you you can't go swimming naked at night. And you know, you shouldn't bend over like, uh, that either..."
Tsuyoshi discarded the phone, leaving a scandalized and furious Koichi in the other end.
"I say we're going for NEWS this time, partner. KAT-TUN's too much of a bother", Koichi muttered as he sat in his kitchen with a half-asleep Tackey.
"I'm in. But not Yamapi. I've got special plans for him and a lady who is out of country right now", Tackey said and took a bite of the carrot.
"Hmm. Maybe we should get a tough girl for Koyama? Like, a girl who hangs out with a biker gang or wears chains or something?"
"Or maybe we just..."
They cornered him in one of Tokyo's beautiful parks.
"So, Tegoshi-kun. We're here to talk to you about romantic relationships", Tackey began and flashed the younger boy a reassuring smile.
Tegoshi blinked up at his two seniors towering over him as he sat on the checkered blanket reading a psychology book.
"Okay", he chirped and nodded eagerly.
"I don't know how much you know, but... sometimes these things are hard to talk about", Koichi was already getting flustered.
"And what we mean is that we would very much like it if you'd talk to us about lovelife."
"Maybe, you know..." Koichi was interrupted, when five pairs of high-heel shoes stopped right next to him.
"Hello, Tegoshi-kun. We hope you didn't wait too long", the cute blonde with pigtails said as the girls sat down on Tegoshi's blanket.
"Not at all", Tegoshi smiled and leaned back against the tree.
"So, would you like us to read the chapters for you again or have you already mastered it?" The sporty redhead with western features rested her head on Tegoshi's shoulder.
Tackey and Koichi stared.
"I think we should save something for the library meeting for tomorrow, right?" Tegoshi suggested.
"Ooh, that's right Tegoshi-senpai. Of course. How smart of you." The pigtailed one squealed.
"Tegoshi-kun, would you like to come over to my house later today? If you don't have work, that is. I could cook something delicious." This time it was the slightly older woman in the business suit who had adressed Tegoshi.
All the girls giggled as Tegoshi thankfully accepted the invitation and blew a kiss at the woman as she left. Three of the remaining girls were practically snuggling onto Tegoshi, while one took a Hello Kitty -bento box from her bag and opened it. Acting as if it was totally normal, she picked up chopsticks and started feeding him.
Koichi was sure that his eyes were about to plop out any minute now. Then Tegoshi swallowed a piece of squid and turned his attention to his senpais.
"So, what did you want to know?" he asked.
"W-well, we were just going to give you some tips about how to make progress with, uh, women, but it seems that you've got it all figured out already", Koichi stuttered.
"You? To me? I thought you had come to me for advice, ne."
Koichi fled, with Tackey in tow.
"Now I now what Yamapi was talking about", Tackey muttered darkly as they were sitting in the ice cream café.
"Huh?"
"Just... nothing."
"Oh. Ok."
"So, do you think you're ready for the finale?"
"Right now I'm going to finish off this mountain of banana split. I'll think about everything else later", Koichi sighed.
"So here you two troublemakers are finally", a slightly annoyed feminine voice woke the two idols up from their daydreams.
Both Koichi and Tackey looked up, then at each other, then at their ice cream portions and finally the two figures standing next to their table.
Fukada Kyoko was clad in a red skirt, with matching, large red bow in her hair and she was tapping the floor impatiently with her spike heeled shoe. Behind her, hands likewise on her hips, was Maya Miki wearing a cap and casual jeans.
"We've gotten many many phone calls from your agency during this week. You should stop causing problems for other people and worry about your own things instead. Deal?" Maya glared, and the two men nodded. Repeatedly.
"Good. Now that that is out of the way, I'm going to take you meet my brother's children." Maya nodded at a shocked Koichi and yanked him out of his chair.
"You have got to behave then, you hear me? No cursing, no touching me inapproppriately, no raising your voice, no..." The rest of Maya's lecture faded away as the pair walked out of the café.
Koichi didn't know whether to be thrilled or shocked, but settled for a lovesick-and-in-trance -look.
"Hey Kyon, how are you?" Tackey smiled warmly at the woman.
"Don't you 'Kyon' me, casanova. You owe me some explanations about going out clubbing with a girl", Kyoko crossed her arms across her chest.
"That I can easily explain, love. I also have some disgusting pick-up lines to share with you."
"If they're anything close to Tsuyoshi's 'Let's go fish you some', I'll skip. Thank you very much."
Tackey snickered, then helped Kyoko up.
"How about this: Are you going to kiss me tonight or do I have to lie to my diary?"
Fin.
From: win03die
Title: The Matchmakers
Pairing: Multiple, but I guess it comes (crashing) down onto Koichi/Maya Miki.
Rating: PG-13 (for...um?)
Summary: Koichi is pining for Maya Miki, the strong and independent actress (who looks amazing in a uniform). He somehow (mainly because Tsuyoshi is out of town on a fishing trip with with Leah Dizon) teams up with Tackey, because Tackey is, after all, the (second) prince in the company.
Watch the two of them first get more or less useful advice from their own seniors, just to (try to) help multiple Johnnys with their lovelives, while determined to stay out of the headlines and let their juniors have some "normal" romance in their lives. The missions involve stakeouts, accusing certain actors of being gay, and one kouhai who bests the two without even trying.
Will the two heartthrobs find their matches as well in the end?
A/N: This got kind of (kind of!?) out of hand. It's light and cracky and I hope the recipient will like it. If not, just tell me and I'll write you something else :]
Warnings: crack, cheese. AU because all the girls and boys mentioned are single unless stated otherwise.
Part 1: The Learning.
Domoto Koichi sitting on his living room floor in front of the television is not a common sight. Even less common is the occurence that his eyes would be glued to the screen and his forefinger fumbling between the pause-rewing-play buttons of the Dvd-player's remote control.
Maya Miki's character, in a very fitting and sexy uniform first glares at the camera and then her features soften and she tentatively smiles. Koichi thinks he could get his heart rate measured to make some new records. And then he watches it again. And again.
Muttering to himself and cursing loudly, when the phone began to ring, he dropped the remote from his slightly shaking hands and reluctantly left his spot on the floor to stumble to the hall to look for his phone. It took him a while to register that there was something off with the ringtone. He was almost, almost certain that before meeting Nagase at the bar last night, it had indeed been Bon Jovi's It's My Life and most definitely NOT Oshiri Kajiri Mushi (*1).
He shivered and with great difficulty fished the flashing phone from under the large cardboard box full of new clothes which his stylist had dragged in earlier.
"Hnhgh. You better be drowning there to disturb me."
"We haven't even reached the beach yet, actually. I just thought to check on you, partner." Tsuyoshi's voice, accompanied by the telltale wroom of a car in the background, came from the speaker.
"I'm splendid. 'til you disturbed my..." that was as far as Koichi got, when he was abruptly interrupted.
"No, no, no! Leah! No! What are you doing? You should've taken the left there." Indignant female shrieks, panicked whimpers and a crash later Tsuyoshi sighed in the other end.
"As I was saying, I was fine 'til you... wait, Leah who?"
"Uh.. what's her name again..." there was a yawn "Dizon".
"You're...with Leah Dizon?" Koichi's voice went up an impressice octave. Something that happened neither in the recording booth not on stage.
"We're going fishin'. And now we're taking the long route there too. Call you later, mate. Gotta check that my lures didn't get damaged when she jumped on the brake..."
The line went dead. Koichi blinked at the phone.
Some time later he received a text message. It said:
"Stop watching the Shibatora dvd for the nth time. Make your move already or I'll call her when I'm done with Leah-chan."
Koichi shivered. Maybe he really ought to do something. He groaned. It was times like this when partners were needed. And where the cabbage was his? Gone fishing with a gravure idol. Fishing with a gravure idol.
The bright midday Sun found Koichi standing in front of the Tokyo Imperial Theater. He glanced at the huge billboards all around that sported different pictures of a handsome young man in his twenties. Well, if he had to, he kind of could see why the guy was dubbed a prince...
"Ko-chan?" Koichi twirled around, but instead of the 180-degree turn he had had in mind, the rain wetting the sidewalk had done a good job and with the slightly heeled boot-like footwear that for some reason had glittered soles, he spinned complete 360 degrees and not too gently slammed his royal nose to one of the boards he'd been looking at earlier. He involuntarily flushed.
"Ko-chan?" came the voice again and hands helped him stand upright and turn to face the speaker. The person standing behind him was exactly the same whose head- and body shots covered a big part of central Tokyo. Including the beforementioned posters and billboards. Koichi grinned weakly.
"Hi, Tackey."
An hour later the large supply of stuffed animals on the younger man's living room couch had to make room for the guest. Tackey hollered from another room for his senior to make himself at home while he'd go to search for something to drink. Even if Koichi was used to luxurious apartments, Tackey owned an entire house. And on top of that, a freaking huge one.
A little crash was heard, but in a few minutes Tackey appeared in the doorway, sporting an infectious grin and proudly holding up a bottle of the finest Yamazaki malt whiskey. Koichi could almost feel the headache coming already.
"You know... you didn't really have to get me drunk to make me talk about this", Koichi whined, half-asleep and curled into a ball on the sofa. He was cuddling one of the bigger pastel-colored teddy bears.
Tackey laughed, high-pitched.
"Of course I know that. It's just so that you're so much funnier when you're wasted."
He received no reply, and a glance towards the Osakan revealed that the older man was fast asleep, his middle finger frozen in an offensive gesture while his elbow was perched on the arm west.
Tackey grinned to himself and got up on slightly unsteady feet. Then he grabbed a blanket and covered his guest with it.
Satisfied with how this had turned out, the blonde headed for his bedroom. He only ran into one doorframe and knocked down a few hairspray bottles before he reached the bed.
Koichi thought that the universe just might hate him. There could hardly be any other reason to why his back was achy and why he could clearly hear the infuriatingly happy poppy music and singing coming from somewhere in the house.
"Crazy crazy rainbow star... twinkle twinkle rainbow star! Yei~~!"
Koichi was absolutely certain that the universe hated him with passion. He grabbed a relatively big fluffy pillow with his right hand and with the left he reached behind his back to get a hold on the very reason why his body was stiff as a stick. Seconds later the rice-filled culprit flew over the back of the couch.
"Wakey wakey, Ko-chan. We've got a mission to do." Tackey's cheery voice was alarmingly close.
Hesitantly Koichi opened an eye to find his host's face about two inches from his. He yelped and bounced backwards to get some space between them. Unfortunately for him, the couch wasn't meant for such activities and the treacherous piece of flower-patterned furniture toppled over, throwing him to the floor.
"I am aware that you're fond of all kinds of falling stunts, but my sofa isn't the same as stairs. I've got a healthy breakfast done so when you've gotten the sofa back up, join me in kitchen."
Koichi had a sudden urge to punch something. Or someone. He climbed from under the couch and tried to get it back on its feet. After some huffing, puffing and unsuccesfull tumbling he cursed, wrapped the blanket around himself and followed the music.
Meguro station was swarming with people, as the two took the escalator and rose up to the street. Tackey lead the way and had to stop only twice to call his manager, whom he had named "My Lifesaver-san" for more directions. Before long they stood in front of an modern, expensive-looking, white-walled house with four floors and a rather grumpy-looking security guard standing in front of the door.
"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Koichi's voice shook slightly as continued casting nervous glances around.
"Of course. I mean, we need some advice with women and who do you think could give it better than THE man?" Tackey put his gold-rimmed sunglasses on and confidently strolled to the door.
Koichi sighed, fumbled with his own disguise glasses and, trying to make himself as small as possible, followed.
Security guard gave them (that is, the idol and his weird friend who was hiding behind him) no trouble and they entered the hall. The hall only held one door. It was massive oak and there were golden letters etched on it. They read: "Kimura".
Tackey grabbed the stylish door knocker. There was a faint "Just a minute!" -shout coming from the inside, and they waited.
The door opened revealing Japan's number one idol and daydream, Koichi's and Tackey's admired senior, Kimura Takuya. His appearance caused the two a minor shock, because really, you don't expect him to open the door wearing loose jeans, a green apron with daisy patterns and the wild fringe made into a pert pony tail on the top of his head.
When the two were seated in the luxurious leather armchairs, Kimura shut down the vacuum cleaner, applied some lotion to his hands and asked:
"So, what brings you guys here?"
Koichi almost ran out of the building, Tackey not far behind. They found a secluded corner in a ramen shop and sat down.
"This was such a bad idea. I was off far much better with drooling over my dvd-collection at home", Koichi grumbled.
"Ah, that kind of attitude is very bad for you. You'll get wrinkles", Tackey announced and slurped some noodles.
Koichi resisted the urge to get hold on a mirror at that second.
"Besides", Tackey continued, "to woo such a mature woman as Maya-san, you'll need much deeper expertise than some fangirl-stuff. Thus we are getting some advice from our respected senpais and then gather more information when using those on the kouhais. With that experience you'll have a good chance with Maya-san. My strategy is perfect as always! Now eat." Tackey picked the scallops from his bowl and put them in Koichi's.
"But..."
He couldn't see how Kimura's answer had helped them at all. Then he figured that free food was always free food and dug in.
"I told you this was a good idea. SMAP are recording Waratte Iitomo now there! So when they come to the dressing room, we'll have plenty of time to talk. " Tackey looked very pleased with himself.
"I just hope this goes better than what it did with Kimura-senpai..." Koichi muttered.
"Oh, I think it was just some slight miscalculation in your part. I mean, you should have known that someone like Kimura-san would be totally different from anyone else."
"Uh... but still, telling us that he doesn't have any specific tactics and that women just come to him with him just standing there is kind of unfair."
"It's life, Ko-chan. But everyone knows that Inagaki-kun is a true womanizer. This time we won't be wrong."
"I suppose...Hey!? MY miscalculation?" But Tackey was not paying attention. He was distracted by the shiny cape hanging on the clothes rack.
Inagaki Goro had finished his promotional appearance and stepped in his dressing room. He walked straight to the mirror and only when he had confirmed that his hair was fine, did he nod to his juniors. Before he had time to say anything though, two beautiful AD-girls came in and gave him meaningful looks.
He automatically turned his charm-switch on, flashing a wide smile and leaning close to the first beauty.
"Well hello there. Do you mind if I stare at you up close instead of from across the room?" Then he fixed his hair one more time, turned around to face the other girl and continued: "You're so beautiful that you made me forget my pick-up line."
"I...I'm not so sure we could make this kind of stuff work", was Koichi's stuttering comment after Inagaki Goro left the room with a girl in each arm.
Tackey pointed to hallway through the door that had been left open. Nakai Masahiro strolled by, laughing loudly. He had three girls all over him.
A moment of devastated silence. Then Tackey said, in a very small voice:
"Maybe, uh, SMAP are in their own league. We could skip them."
Koichi could only nod furiously in agreement.
Day two and their trip to visit the next seniors didn't star with promising weather. It was rainy and grainy and Koichi just could not figure out how to walk with the glittery shoes. Then he sneaked a glance at Tackey, who was energetically hopping from one relatively dry patch of the road to another while clutching a golden handbag and was instantly feeling better. At least he wasn't making a fool of himself.
That was, until they came to a small uphill and his shoes let him down, sending him practically gliding down the slippery slope and falling over a fence, straight into the sheepfold.
An animal started munching on his hair.
Koichi shrieked.
When a very worried-looking Leader and a very stormy-looking Matsuoka were taking care of a stock of terrified lambs, Koichi and Tackey received full bowls of steaming tomato soup from a cheerful Taichi.
"Go ahead and eat. Gussan and Nagase are giving the pineapple tree some counceling and Leader and Mabo are going to take their sweet time. Mind telling me why you barged into our village?"
The last words were slightly stifled since the slim man was waist-deep in a roughly sculpted, huge wooden chest. A minute later he emerged from there with a happy squeal.
"I found it! I hid the umeboshi there last month when it looked like our youngest was going to devour all the food we had at the farm", Taichi explained, holding up an originally shaped clay can with a pirate flag scetched on it.
The train trip back to Tokyo was far from bequem. It didn't help that Koichi was sneezing violently every three minutes.
"So, we have a top50-list of classic TOKIO -pick up lines, a book of recipes, invites to members only -stripclubs and plenty advice on how to get yourself and the woman naked in a blink of an eye." Tackey confirmed, rubbing his temples.
Koichi didn't say much, but he was beginning to doubt this whole plan. He just wanted to get to his own apartment and sleep.
He sneezed.
The morning didn't come quietly. There was persistent knocking noise and rustling to be heard from Koichi's apartment door. When he saw the three of Tonisen from the peephole, he sighed in relief and opened the door. The three visitors got forcibly drawn inside and then Koichi, only wrapped in a satin sheet, slammed the door shut and fastened the two extra chains just in case.
"Thank God. I thought you were Tackey", he said in relief as he leaned his back against the door.
"Not that it probably makes a huge difference, but he kind of sent us here. He's got a cold." Inohara was the first one to find his tongue.
"So he told you? About my c-c-crush on Maya Miki?"
"Your crush? That's been a topic on the Jimusho webchat for months", Nagano grinned and then continued exploring Koichi's wine bottles.
"Webchat?" His mouth was suddenly dry.
"So, we're supposed to tell you how to court a woman. Take a pencil and paper, and let Inohara-sensei begin his lecture."
Two hours later Inohara really needed a drink because his throat was getting dry from the preaching, Sakamoto was asleep on the floor, his head resting on Nagano's thighs. Nagano was skimming through the Tokyo Michelin Guide, marking the good date spots and writing small notes about food recommedations on the side. His glasses were sliding down his nose all the time, and finally he just rested the book on top of Sakamoto's head so that he could hold the glasses up with his hand.
Koichi? Koichi was still clad only with the sheet down his waist, sitting on the couch with his feet under him and staring at Inocchi with the look of a confused and lost child.
Satisfied with his work, Nagano finally shook Sakamoto awake, grabbed the crooning Inohara by the ear and ushered them out of Koichi's apartment. Right when he was about to shut the door behind him, Ken, Go and Okada rushed past him and into the Osakan's home. Nagano decided that he could lecture them another time and escorted his two bundles out of the building.
When Koichi came back to the world, he had somehow lost his sheet and was lying on the couch stark naked. Not like that was something he'd never done before, since his outings with Nagase tended to end with both of them in less clothed states. The unnormal thing was that his thighs and legs were covered with blue and black doodles of monkeys and elephants. The giggles and a sound of glass breaking from the kitchen confirmed his fears.
Koichi didn't stop to think; he simply bolted up from the couch and hurried to the kitchen. Ken was sitting on the table, cross-legges, while Go had cut and organized ten carrots in a row on the floor and was now bowling them down with a tomato. Okada had his feet in the sink and was sipping tea. Koichi shook his head to clear it up.
"Wow, Ko-chan... We never knew you were an exhibitionist. But you know, we don't need to see ALL of you like this", Ken smirked.
Koichi looked down, saw his naked state and quickly exited. He returned flushed but with sweatpants on.
"I don't get why we're here though. All I can tell is that the girls like the bad boy image, but that you gotta have a soft side too. Yay, strike!" Go shouted and high-fived Ken.
"You can get any woman if you're cute enough. Sadly, I don't think you have it in you, no matter how much animals you'll get tattooed all over you", Ken snickered.
Koichi groaned and then turned to Okada, still perched on his counter and feet in the sink. The teamug said: "I am too young to be 30!"
"So, what's your dating advice?"
"Mine? I freak out if I even look at a girl and don't know what to say. Lucky for me, they think that is sexy and mysterious. You're just out of luck. Say my hello to Tsuyo if and when he gets back from, uh, socializing with miss Dizon." Okada dumped the mug and on the way out gently caressed the wooden wardrobe.
Finally left alone, Koichi found his cellphone and called Tackey while he waited for his bath to fill up.
"I take it that V6 did their job?" was the cheery greeting from the other end of the line.
"Um, about that..."
"Great! Now you've been taught. It's time to apply the knowledge and help our beloved kouhais. I'll meet you tomorrow at the Jimusho 9 AM sharp. See ya!"
In the V6 bus, on the way to the location shoot, Ken and Go were giggling madly.
Inohara wanted to be let in, and asked for the reason.
From between the wheezing laughter, hiccups and coughs he could make out, that the blue marker had been permanent.
Whatever that then was supposed to mean.
(*1) this song.
Part 2: The Campaign.
Koichi wasn't entirely too sure he was up to this. He had done some imaginary training last night, playing different scenarios of how he could make Maya-san fall for him, but for one reason or another the results had mainly varied from being hit with a heavy handbag (that suspiciously reminded him of Tackeys golden one) to him being laughed at.
However, he had done it and gotten himself out of the apartment and was standing in the hall of the Jimusho even before the clock stroke nine.
Soon Tackey emerged too. He was carrying a large sports bag and had scouted two Kid-My-Ft2 members to carry the other one for him. The juniors scurried off and Koichi found himself in charge of the mentioned bag. It was heavy, but thankfully the way to Tackey's room wasn't long.
The two "princes" of Johnnys had planned their attack and were approaching Arashi's lounge, when a blood-freezing scream tore the air. Always worried for his juniors' wellbeing, Tackey rushed to the door and yanked it open. On the floor was Aiba Masaki, covered by an angry-looking Matsumoto Jun, who was clearly trying to strangle his bandmate.
"I can't believe you used up the entire bottle! How you be so careless? It's not like it could even help with the disaster that is your hair", Jun snarled.
Tackey was excited.
"See!" he shushed to Koichi. "Jun is a very metrosexual man taking care of his looks and then he is also expressing his dominant, masculine side. It's perfect!"
"Perfect?" Koichi was dumbfounded.
"Don't you see? We've got the perfect date solutions for this", Tackey circled a number in his notebook and shoved the said piece of equipment on Koichi's face.
Koichi, after seeing what his friend meant, could only agree.
Inoue Mao was clutching her VIP-pass to the Tokyo Hair Expo tightly in her hand. She couldn't wait to see who had to mysteriously and anonymously sent it to her. Her friends had all been greenish for jealousy and even her manager had muttered sourly when she had opened the cream-colored envelope. She had dressed nicely in pastel green and not a hair in her high friseur was out of place. She gracefully walked through the entrance.
Matsumoto Jun looked around in the large Expo Hall. He had been happy to receive the invitation, although why it had come with two tickets to the night's pro wrestling match was something he couldn't quite understand. Suddenly there was rustling and hissing behind his back, but before he had the chance to turn around, his shoulders were gripped in an iron grip and a raspy voice began whispering to him.
"Your date is here, looking all nice in light green. You'll enjoy browsing this exhibit with her and then you'll take her to the match. If you don't, I can guarantee that your group mates will be messing with your hair products double as much as they're doing now."
"Look, I don't know who the hell do you think you are, but that's blackmail. No one blackmails me", Jun said dryly.
"Oh, I'd much rather call it 'gentle persuation'. Don't you think that sounds nicer too?" was the amused reply.
There was a tap on his shoulder and a slight ruffle on his head that made him wince a little, but then the man was gone. The voice had been strangely familiar, but there was no way... Absolutely no way.
Jun screened the crowd for a green lady, and a smile lit up his face. He approached.
Behind the huge pyramide made of hair spray bottles there were two men high-fiving each other. The plan was working maybe even better than what they had expected. Koichi wanted to take a stroll and look at the displays since there were here already. Tackey didn't have anything against it, even though being so in public wearing the long leather coats and oldstyle cowboy hats with colored sunglasses couldn't be that great of an idea. He shrugged and went along.
Koichi tugged at Tackey's hand and pointed to a dreadlock-stand.
"Oh my God! Do you see what I see?" he hissed.
Tackey took a double take. Two young boys were looking at the pictures of different dreadlock styles. They were pointing and gushing together. The taller one of the two trailed his fingers along the shorter one's dreadlocks before saying something that made them both laugh. His arm remained on the other boy's shoulder.
"See? That is SO gay!" Koichi's high-pitched voice rose in volume and his pointing fingers didn't help their incognito-appearance either.
The duo, who Tackey now recognised as the BFF-actors Sato Takeru and Miura Haruma, had heard Koichi and turned around. Now they were steadily making way and walking towards them.
Tackey cursed, took a strong hold on Koichi's still flailing arm and dragged his partner behind the corner. The two actors came by shortly after, looking around but not noticing the two shadows in the corner. Now that had been close.
The plan had been to follow their set-up couple to the wrestling match, but they had completely lost Jun and his date in the crowd.
One drastic setback was, when Koichi's carelessly thrown hat landed on the hairspray pyramide and caused it to collapse. The head of security, who had seen Koichi throw the cursed piece of clothing, friendly but sternly insisted that the two would build it back with their own hands or the consequenses would be severe.
Neither of the men was home before midnight.
"I think", Tackey began, "that we need to give our help to the one that needs it the most."
"I really hope you don't mean that we're going to get Ohno a girlfriend", Koichi looked horrified.
"No, no. Think about it. Who is always suffering from bad press about his poor relationships?"
"You don't mean...!?"
"Yes I do."
Koichi's grin was feral.
The club was called JINX. It was filled with smoke, neonlights and girls with too little clothing. Tackey held Koichi by the waist as they checked in.
"Okay, I get that you don't want anyone, least Akanishi, to recognize me, but I still do not think that dressing me up as a girl was necessary", Koichi grumbled as he pressed closer to Tackey.
"It can't be that bad. You're just wearing jeans, make-up and a long wig. You look quite pretty too", Tackey smiled mirthfully.
Koichi stomped his new low-heeled shoe down on Tackey's toes.
"Stop that! Besides, this way we can get close to Jin on the dance floor without waking too much suspicious", Tackey said as he lead his partner to the packed floor.
Akanishi Jin looked confused, when he saw his friend and senior in the club. This place wasn't what Tackey preferred, and even if the girl was 'quite alright' (he scanned the girl's body and winked at Tackey), it was still weird.
Soon he forgot about that though, because he had two exceptionally good looking American blondes dancing really really close to him. So he just closed his eyes and let go. When the music slowed to seductive electronic ballad with a faint beat, he opened one eye, looked the girl with the silver top in the eye and breathily whispered:
"You know... your dancing... really makes my software turn into hardware." Then he winked.
The girl giggled and pushed up against him boldly, sliding her hands around his neck. Five minutes later they were gone.
"You know, Ko-chan... I don't think he needs help with the picking up after all", Tackey huffed.
"Mhhh" was all the answer he got.
"Are you sleeping on ME? Dammit, Ko-chan!" He shook him awake and they headed after Jin and the girl.
The sounds coming from inside the toilet made them stop dead on their tracks. Another couple was standing close by, and the guy said:
"Get in line. Those two just got in there like two seconds ago."
Tackey and Koichi paled.
"I think he's got hand of the quick-stripping too..." Koichi's voice was muffled because he had buried his face in Tackey's neck.
On the way out someone groped Koichi's jeans-clad thigh.
Koichi threw the wig to the closet and washed away the make up. Then he called Tsuyoshi.
"Mmnight."
"Tsuyoshi?"
"Who else did you expect, after calling me and all?"
"Where are you?"
"Fishin'" *yawn*
"You're still out in the middle of nowhere with Leah Dizon?"
"Yes?"
"I hate you."
"No you don't. I've had the time of my life laughing at what you've done during the past week."
"You what?"
"You heard me." silence, then an indignant shriek. "Leah! I told you you can't go swimming naked at night. And you know, you shouldn't bend over like, uh, that either..."
Tsuyoshi discarded the phone, leaving a scandalized and furious Koichi in the other end.
"I say we're going for NEWS this time, partner. KAT-TUN's too much of a bother", Koichi muttered as he sat in his kitchen with a half-asleep Tackey.
"I'm in. But not Yamapi. I've got special plans for him and a lady who is out of country right now", Tackey said and took a bite of the carrot.
"Hmm. Maybe we should get a tough girl for Koyama? Like, a girl who hangs out with a biker gang or wears chains or something?"
"Or maybe we just..."
They cornered him in one of Tokyo's beautiful parks.
"So, Tegoshi-kun. We're here to talk to you about romantic relationships", Tackey began and flashed the younger boy a reassuring smile.
Tegoshi blinked up at his two seniors towering over him as he sat on the checkered blanket reading a psychology book.
"Okay", he chirped and nodded eagerly.
"I don't know how much you know, but... sometimes these things are hard to talk about", Koichi was already getting flustered.
"And what we mean is that we would very much like it if you'd talk to us about lovelife."
"Maybe, you know..." Koichi was interrupted, when five pairs of high-heel shoes stopped right next to him.
"Hello, Tegoshi-kun. We hope you didn't wait too long", the cute blonde with pigtails said as the girls sat down on Tegoshi's blanket.
"Not at all", Tegoshi smiled and leaned back against the tree.
"So, would you like us to read the chapters for you again or have you already mastered it?" The sporty redhead with western features rested her head on Tegoshi's shoulder.
Tackey and Koichi stared.
"I think we should save something for the library meeting for tomorrow, right?" Tegoshi suggested.
"Ooh, that's right Tegoshi-senpai. Of course. How smart of you." The pigtailed one squealed.
"Tegoshi-kun, would you like to come over to my house later today? If you don't have work, that is. I could cook something delicious." This time it was the slightly older woman in the business suit who had adressed Tegoshi.
All the girls giggled as Tegoshi thankfully accepted the invitation and blew a kiss at the woman as she left. Three of the remaining girls were practically snuggling onto Tegoshi, while one took a Hello Kitty -bento box from her bag and opened it. Acting as if it was totally normal, she picked up chopsticks and started feeding him.
Koichi was sure that his eyes were about to plop out any minute now. Then Tegoshi swallowed a piece of squid and turned his attention to his senpais.
"So, what did you want to know?" he asked.
"W-well, we were just going to give you some tips about how to make progress with, uh, women, but it seems that you've got it all figured out already", Koichi stuttered.
"You? To me? I thought you had come to me for advice, ne."
Koichi fled, with Tackey in tow.
"Now I now what Yamapi was talking about", Tackey muttered darkly as they were sitting in the ice cream café.
"Huh?"
"Just... nothing."
"Oh. Ok."
"So, do you think you're ready for the finale?"
"Right now I'm going to finish off this mountain of banana split. I'll think about everything else later", Koichi sighed.
"So here you two troublemakers are finally", a slightly annoyed feminine voice woke the two idols up from their daydreams.
Both Koichi and Tackey looked up, then at each other, then at their ice cream portions and finally the two figures standing next to their table.
Fukada Kyoko was clad in a red skirt, with matching, large red bow in her hair and she was tapping the floor impatiently with her spike heeled shoe. Behind her, hands likewise on her hips, was Maya Miki wearing a cap and casual jeans.
"We've gotten many many phone calls from your agency during this week. You should stop causing problems for other people and worry about your own things instead. Deal?" Maya glared, and the two men nodded. Repeatedly.
"Good. Now that that is out of the way, I'm going to take you meet my brother's children." Maya nodded at a shocked Koichi and yanked him out of his chair.
"You have got to behave then, you hear me? No cursing, no touching me inapproppriately, no raising your voice, no..." The rest of Maya's lecture faded away as the pair walked out of the café.
Koichi didn't know whether to be thrilled or shocked, but settled for a lovesick-and-in-trance -look.
"Hey Kyon, how are you?" Tackey smiled warmly at the woman.
"Don't you 'Kyon' me, casanova. You owe me some explanations about going out clubbing with a girl", Kyoko crossed her arms across her chest.
"That I can easily explain, love. I also have some disgusting pick-up lines to share with you."
"If they're anything close to Tsuyoshi's 'Let's go fish you some', I'll skip. Thank you very much."
Tackey snickered, then helped Kyoko up.
"How about this: Are you going to kiss me tonight or do I have to lie to my diary?"
Fin.