Team AU, prompt 2: I am an elite person; part 2/2
Title: Masterpiece (part 2)
Pairing/Group: Akame / KAT-TUN, Yamapi, Shige
Rating: R
Warnings: none
Summary: When Yamashita meets Kamenashi he is reminded of an old song and realises that, honestly it can’t be fun to always be the chosen one.
Notes: The title belongs to Madonna with her song “Masterpiece”
I love my wonderful beta! Thank you a lot for your advices and help! Many thanks to the people who supported me during every step of writing this fic and to the mods for their patience :3
~Tomohisa~
Tomohisa sits on his big comfortable couch that feels like heaven after the long, endless, busy day running around the gallery like a madman, mainly due to one annoying client, who has his own opinion on everything. He tries to take of his shoes, not by bending closer, but instead just rubbing his shoes against each another, toe to heel, because he feels absolutely exhausted, physically and mentally. This man is absolutely crazy and Tomohisa doubts he will ever work with him again.
Nishikido-san looks very harmless from the beginning until he opens his mouth and decides to share with the world his special point of view on everything, starting from Tomohisa’s horrible taste in clothes and ending with the light in the gallery, that is messing with the ability to see all the subtle composition and profound sense of his pieces of art. So full of himself and of his work! His voice is still ringing in Tomohisa’s head; he seriously needs painkillers after this day.
Working with Akanishi seems like a happy holiday after this too commanding and hard-to-please painter.
Maybe the weather is also to blame for his headache, from this morning it’s been so grey outside, he can’t see the sun at all, and it’s already getting dark out in the street. Tomohisa lazily stands, and pours himself some whisky, after the day he has had, he deserves it.
He looks through the window and is little bit surprised, there is a man sitting on the bench near the entrance. He needs few seconds to recognize Kamenashi.
They saw each other a few times at the same café over the last weeks. After that first time Kamenashi hasn't told him anything personal, he's just spoken about art research that he undertook back in the University and his own preferences in Art, that surprisingly are the same as Tomohisa's. The time they spent just talking was very enjoyable, he liked how serious and passionate Kamenashi sounded talking about things that he likes. They also talked about Jin. Maybe he hasn’t even noticed himself how his voice changes when he talks about Jin, just a little, but enough for Tomohisa to notice.
Maybe he should invite them again somewhere, maybe he will call Nakamaru again, it’s obvious that they will find topics to talk about and maybe they can even make a deal of some kind. Nakamaru is a professional critic and maybe in his magazine they need a few profiles on passionate specialists. People like Kamenashi can be very useful in the publishing business, with their knowledge about the art and scholarship. It's obvious that he must feel bored if he has decided to sit alone on that bench so late in the evening, maybe he needs some fresh air, after the specific smells of Jin’s materials in their flat?
Maybe Tomohisa can invite him over, just for a some nice conversation and maybe an offer of some good wine; he has one excellent rare bottle from Spain- but - right there he mentally stops himself. He shouldn’t be too annoying and force himself into other people's company, Kamenashi seems like a reserved person, one who doesn’t like to share with others his private life and a few times spent talking at a café doesn’t really mean that they are friends now.
Tomohisa throws a last look at the lonely figure. That is strange and slightly worrying, he looks so small and vulnerable, but then he reminds himself that he is living on the 10th floor and it’s not so surprising that Kamenashi looks small.
After a warm relaxing bath and a change of clothes that feels so nice against his clean skin, Tomohisa returns to the window and sees Kamenashi sitting in the same place, alone with his shoulders hunched. He can’t see his face that is hidden behind his long hair and of course the distance between them.
He wonders why Kamenashi is alone in the street and what he is doing there, maybe he's just thinking, but can’t he think in his home or on the luxurious balcony that they have in their flat? He has no idea, but a strange feeling appears in the pit of his stomach, weird and unpleasant.
The hours pass and the street is plunged into darkness, with only a few lights that make odd shadows appear on the asphalt. Kamenashi is not sleeping, he's still sitting on that bench, he hasn’t even noticed that it is raining, it started lightly and is now pounding down on his shoulders, that look so small and fragile from the place up where Tomohisa is standing with a glass in his hand that he doesn’t feel like drinking at all anymore. He's just observing and trying to understand what is going on.
Kamenashi stands, picks up a suitcase and walks away, he doesn’t return to the building but goes out into the night. Tomohisa looks at the clock, he's spent at least 5 hours sitting on that stupid bench before he left.
Tomohisa has a sleepless night, wondering where the hell is Jin?
~
Jin is nowhere around, even when Tomohisa's secretary tries to contact him, there is no answer. It's not like Tomohisa to start worrying, but there isn't any sight of Kamenashi around and it seems like no one cares and what Jin is even thinking about?
Of course, he feels confused and when he has any free time or even during his negotiations and business meetings, Tomohisa keeps thinking about all the possibilities and possible places where Kamenashi might be, maybe he has some family and something happened and they needed him urgently, so he ran there without hesitation, if sitting on a bench for five hours can be equal to running somewhere urgently.
Tomohisa has a headache already, trying to understand what happened, because in the ideal love story that exists in his head, Kamenashi’s action doesn’t fit at all! Then he has another idea, in the love scenario that Tomohisa created for his neighbors, this could be a lovers quarrel and if you see enough love dramas (and Tomohisa doesn’t watch them at all, but his mother does, and is always asking him to just look, ‘because this moment is perfect” and Tomohisa loves everything perfect). So shortly, in every possible scenario, after the love quarrel must be a love reunion, when the hero is asking for forgiveness. So here is the same question again, where is Jin?
Tomohisa tries to contact him again, not just because of his wild imagination and sick curiosity, but because after a few months they planned to have another exhibition, one that will represent the modern art and the newcomers of the last few years, thus Tomohisa must know how many works Jin wants to show.
He looks despairingly at the pile of the files on his table, thinking that he has work and still he can’t stop thinking about the lonely figure on the bench, in the rain in the dark night. Something very wrong. Maybe he should have left his home and talked with Kamenashi that day?
Tomohisa looks at Akanishi’s contract and notices the note that was inside the file. A note from Kamenashi Kazuya and his phone number with a request to contact him if there is any questions regarding Akanishi Jin’s work, if the artist is not available due to his tendency to lose himself in his work.
Tomohisa just calls, without thinking, and listens to the slow beeps on the phone.
“Yes.” The hoarse voice that answers doesn’t belong to Kamenashi. That is Jin.
“Jin! Hello, this is Yamashita Tomohisa talking, I can’t contact you and I finally found a note in your file, and I have a question.”
He hopes he is not sounding like he is making too many excuses, because he does feel a bit uncomfortable, because lately all he thinks about is Akanishi’s boyfriend who left 3 weeks ago and he hasn’t seen him and of course it's strange, and it must be odd for Jin and this is even more confusing and…
“What question?”
He sounds calm, or maybe not? Tomohisa has no idea how Jin sounds when he is calm, but at least he is not panicking and screaming that he lost his boyfriend.
“The exhibition that we talked about earlier? I want to know how much work you can show, because you will have one hall. This exhibition will be like a fusion of the different directions of modern art and I think that could be a great chance for you and your last one was such a success.”
Tomohisa switched into professional mode, thinking how awkward Jin was at the last exhibition and now what consequences it could have for a new exhibition, maybe it's better to avoid interviews for him, because Kamenashi is not around and this is important for Jin's career. No, Tomohisa is not only thinking about the money and business all the time; he can be sensitive, when he wants to be.
“I will, I have 4 pieces ready and I think that I will create more before the exhibition.”
“That’s good. So I will wait to hear from you. Good bye.”
Jin hangs the phone up, and they haven’t discussed the part where it belongs to Kamenashi.
Just 4 works? During such a long period? Tomohisa can swear that Kamenashi told him about 10 pieces being ready at least.
Something is wrong between them, but Tomohisa is too busy to make more hypotheses right now. He sighs again, and looks at the pile of paper on the corner of his desk, that won’t disappear by itself.
~
He sees Jin a week later, all messy and sleepy, with his hair looking like someone was pulling him along forcefully by his hair and his clothes covered with all the remains from his work. It is unexpected, and for a moment Tomohisa thought that maybe someone is making capital repairs on the flat and he doesn’t know about it, and that is bad, because such a repair is against the rules, this place is peaceful and too luxurious to let workers inside in dusty clothes and stain the wonderfully detailed carpet, that was specially made for this hall.
“Hi.”
It is Jin after all.
“Good evening. Long time no see! How is your work?”
They don't shake hands, Tomohisa like his Armani and it seems Jin does care about his crumpled shirt a bit.
“It’s ok. I just have some old stuff to throw away and I decided to do it myself.”
Tomohisa looks interested in this, because this is the first time he knows of that Jin decided to do it himself, the first time at least since he moved into this place.
“I hope your work is progressing, because the time, you know, it’s flowing so fast.”
Jin is smiling, he looks thinner and paler, or maybe it’s just the dust, but he looks unwell and Tomohisa can see it clearly now. Maybe he is not alone, maybe he is not the only one who tried to understand where Kamenashi has gone?
He looks with sympathy at a person who used to be a boy with a wide clueless smile and a very strange outlook, nothing changed through the years, he is just taller and his shoulders are broader and he now looks lost and messy.
Abandoned.
Later, when Jin has closed the door of his luxurious empty flat, Tomohisa finds out that the “old stuff” that was thrown away, discarded like no one needs it anymore, like it’s not a piece of art from a talented artist, as if it was just a soulless pieces of marble and stone. Tomohisa looks at the sculptures discarded on the floor, laying there in the dirt and dust, and thinks that this is a crime. Maybe for Jin they are painful memories that he doesn’t want to see anymore, maybe he is just unsatisfied in his work, Tomohisa has no idea, but as a person who values and loves art, who understands the price that the artist paid to make it, all the sweat and effort and feeling; he can’t leave it like this.
He arranges for them to be carried to his flat, and very carefully cleaned.
Tomohisa understands why only 4 works are ready, because the other six are sitting on his table now and they are ruined, with cruel hits from an artist’s hand, ruined beyond repair and it’s obvious they can’t be saved, maybe their place is really at the dumped at the bottom of a trash can. Tomohisa, with the eye of a specialist, can see what they could be, and it’s beautiful and it’s like they never happened now. He will order them to be removed, if Akanishi made this decision, maybe he must respect it.
Yet the last one. It’s beautiful and maybe not so perfect in its implementation, it seems this sculpture is one of the earliest works of the artist. A little bit clumsy, naïve and very lovely, the hands with a heart held in them, like someone is giving it, giving himself without restraint, trying to speak through the piece of marble.
For a moment Tomohisa feels his emotions overflowing, like waves, so unlike him, to be so emotionally touched by the art, maybe the reason is that he knows so well the story behind this work and the ending, that is so heartbreaking.
Tomohisa doesn’t know the title of this sculpture, but the only word that is spinning in his head now fits perfectly.
It looks like a Confession.
He hopes this is not the end.
Not now. And not like this.
~
The whisky bottle is almost empty now and Tomohisa considered sliding onto the floor where is Jin located, because it looks like the floor is more comfortable than the couch. They have seen each other in the hall a few times, mainly because Jin needs to eat and go out for groceries, but after Tomohisa told him that he can order something and have it delivered, this made the artist so happy that he closed himself in his flat for few weeks more.
Maybe that is because he looks miserable and abandoned, like a kicked puppy, but in fact he still has a home while Yamashita has no idea where Kamenashi disappeared to and it seems Jin is also clueless.
He invites his high-school friend who didn’t even recognize him when they met each other after few years over for dinner, they get drunk and it somehow feels like a high-school party again, even if they never got drunk back then.
Jin notices the sculpture, the one that he threw away and Yamashita rescued, placed there on the table. He isn’t even surprised, like it’s not even a big deal and maybe the owner of the building is digging in the garbage all the time looking for discarded art treasures ...
“It hurts. To look at this, it hurts.”
Tomohisa isn’t sure exactly what Jin means. Why? Maybe some painful memories, because Kamenashi left him? He doesn’t hesitate to ask, because Jin doesn’t care about the concept of being polite and not invading someone else's space, or sticking his nose somewhere it doesn't belong.
“Why?”
“Because. I broke my promise, because I said that I will be always near him, and I wasn’t.”
Tomohisa is silent, he really has no idea what to say, what to add, Jin knows better than anyone what he did wrong.
“That’s why it hurts.”
He looks at Jin, who takes out a rumpled note from his pocket. Can it be a note that Kamenashi left for him, maybe giving him some explanations?
“What did he write?”
“That he is leaving.” Jin’s voice is hushed, Tomohisa swallows, looking sympathetically at a man who clings to the paper note like his life depends on it.
“Why?” Tomohisa asks, it feels like he needs to know, because he never saw this coming and he doesn’t like not understanding, because the part of his heart that is full of romantic rubbish is screaming with questions.
Jin doesn’t hesitate, his eyes are clear, despite the fact that he is drunk.
“Because I’m not perfect.”
~
When people want time to pass, and are counting every second, time moves painfully slowly, but when Tomohisa has too much work to even sit still for a few minutes, he thinks time is flying very fast.
The preparations for the exhibition are in full swing, but he is not completely sure it will have as big an impact as he wants. His inbox is almost screaming from all the RSVPs from friends who want to be there, the people from the college; his gallery is big, but not that huge, thus he had to make it fairly exclusive and only let in people with a special VIP invitation. All the fuss, the media, the indignation of the people who can’t get in Tomohisa knows that some people are offended, but he is satisfied and pleased with how the event is turning out. He has worked hard to build his reputation and the gallery and now people are almost dying to get onto the invite list. His gallery is in demand, isn’t that a reason to be in a good mood?
He has one last envelope in his hands, and he is going to give it to one important person; having a well-respected critic at the event with a nice written article after is always a bonus, and Tomohisa likes Nakamaru for his fairness and impartiality. He loves art and beauty and doesn't feel any hesitation about expressing it.
That is the first time that Tomohisa has actually visited Nakamaru at the publishing house, but he has no desire to leave this important mission to his secretary and he is a little curious to see Nakamaru-san at work. The man is always so collected and serious, never lets himself say anything or do anything inappropriate. People just can’t be so upright and proper in everything, maybe he has some weird hobby, like collecting pink butterflies at his working desk? Tomohisa is disappointed when Nakamaru meets him with a polite smile, and adjusts the hideous glasses sitting on his nose as he stands up to shake hands with him.
Tomohisa hopes he will find the time to attend the exhibition and he will be happy to see him there with his lovely wife. Nakamaru says it will be his pleasure, and jokingly says he will wear the red tie with little balls on it.
He is ready to leave, when a man enters the office, and stops him in his tracks.
It is Kamenashi.
He looks almost the same, busy, rushing somewhere, with a stack of papers in his hands. He's wearing brand new glasses, his hair is longer and is now in a neat ponytail, he looks good - and he has just noticed Tomohisa.
“Kamenashi-san, long time no see! How are you doing?”
Tomohisa sounds very official and he feels slightly nervous, maybe because over the last few months he has spent a lot of time listening to a drunk artist pouring his soul out to him and he feels too invested in everything that surrounds these two.
Kamenashi smiles brightly and shakes his hand.
“I’m fine, it's such a surprise to see you here.”
“I can say the same.”
They head to the cafeteria in the publishing house, and Kamenashi orders tea. This place is fancy, and serves the tea in delicate china cups, and Kamenashi looks very natural with the china in his hands.
“How is your work?” he asks politely and Tomohisa answers.
“It's killing me lately.”
Kamenashi chuckles, with a knowing look, he understands it perfectly and Tomohisa wants to ask the same, but something is stopping him, maybe after spending too much time talking with Jin and not trying to be polite or having to watch his words, now he is scared he will say something too blunt. Jin’s way of talking and his crazy outlook are just too contagious.
Maybe not for Kamenashi, maybe he has some immunity, because he still has this unreadable expression behind this polite smile.
“What about you? The publishing? That must be something interesting?”
He asks the question, thinking that after this guy spent years just talking care of one artist and looking after his papers and bills day after day, anything else will look interesting.
“Very interesting, I’m currently just a consultant, I'm helping with a new writer who is writing their second book. Their debut book became a bestseller immediately, he is writing a new one, and he needs some art consultation.”
“Newcomer? I think we have something in common in our jobs?” They laugh and Kamenashi looks relaxed, while Tomohisa is not at all. “And what is his book about?”
“His name is Kato Shigeaki. The first one was a little autobiographical and he decide to challenge himself more with this second one, and write a novel about a sculptor, someone who tries to achieve his dreams.”
“Is that also someone’s biography?”
Kamenashi is smiling again, but this time only with his lips that look exactly like the sculpture in Tomohisa’s bedroom, and not with those eyes at all.
“No, it takes a place in Italy, during the Renaissance.”
“Oh, I see.”
Kamenashi glances at his watch.
“I have to go already, but it was really nice to meet you today.”
Was it so nice? Tomohisa doesn’t understand this guy at all, what he is feeling, what he is thinking. He is all closed up, like he put the heavy lock on his emotions, absolutely refusing to share with anyone or anything. After the bottle of whisky on that rainy evening, Akanishi told him about some of their moments, pouring his soul out in his messy, weird ways, and that left Yamashita puzzled and he needed time to make all the information in his head clear and put it in order.
This story can’t finish like this and not even Kamenashi with this polite expression and unreadable eyes and every gesture that tries to tell him that he is perfectly ok, with his new job, with his brand new glasses and some writer, not even the job talking about the Renaissance can make him believe it. That can’t be ok, Tomohisa is not agreeing with it.
“Kamenashi-san, very soon in my gallery there will be an exhibition. It’s closed to the public, and will be very interesting. I dedicated it to the modern art and all the ways it can be represented, I will be very happy if you can find a time for it.”
He sees the hesitation in the man’s eyes and he adds, “Nakamaru-san will be there also and I understand you are working in his department.”
“I will come, thank you.”
“I will send the invitation to your work place.”
Kamenashi says goodbye and leaves without even once looking back, his back straight and unshakable, so different form the last time, when he saw him, soaked from the heavy rain, alone at the bench.
Kamenashi is different and Tomohisa is doubly curious now.
~Kazuya~
Kazuya looks at the big window without blinking, he's already lost track of the time, just staring and staring, not really seeing anything. He can’t see the sky outside, the one that is blue with bright sunshine, he can’t see the different shapes and forms of the snowflakes that like a million crystals are painting the street in innocent white, he can’t see the people walking down the streets, trying to protect themselves from the cold wind while they rush somewhere because they are busy, or because someone is waiting for them, someone who is feeling lonely without their presence.
Kazuya can see only Jin now, can only think about how he is living now, wonder if he is healthy and takes care of himself or if he is just living like he always did, before Kazuya who surrounded him with his care. Suddenly it’s so hard to swallow and this strange feeling like something heavy is sitting on his chest appears and Kazuya can’t breathe for a second.
Yamashita's surprise visit has upset him, and all the storm of emotions that he has tried to tame during the past months, all the doubt that he thought he left in his past, everything is now here, awake, making him shaky and uncertain, because he asks himself again, if he was right, if it wasn’t just a stupid mistake?
He has no answers, he just doesn’t know, he has no one to ask, no one to blame. It was his decision, there is only himself to blame.
“Kamenashi-san?”
Kazuya looks up at the person who has entered the office.
“Yes?”
“Is everything ok? I’ve been standing here for few minutes already and you haven't paid any attention to my presence. It's making me start worrying about you?”
The smile appears on the writer's attractive face, and he tilts his head, with a concerned look.
“I’m fine, perfectly fine.” Kazuya shakes his head hastily, like he is trying to send away all the unnecessary thoughts, the ones that are too difficult for him to handle right now, he will think about it later, about Yamashita with his strange look, like he knows everything, like he can see right through Kazuya, about Jin who is too far away, who didn’t call even once, who doesn’t need him.
“So, maybe I can make a proposition that you just can’t refuse? What about lunch?”
Kazuya just nods with a small smile as he realises that he hasn’t eaten anything for the whole day.
The same cafeteria where he sit with Yamashita only a few hours before, Kato-san is talking about a new idea for the next chapter, a sudden idea that he is dying to share with Kazuya.
Kato-san is a nice person, no, Shige, he prefers it when Kazuya calls him that, because they are the same age and are working closely together for his next book.
He is very talented and has this energy that is boiling inside him, charging all people around him with his enthusiasm. Shige is a person who has a dream, and he is giving all of himself to achieve it.
“Writing is everything for me and someday, I would like to win the Naoki Prize.” Shige said this to Kazuya when Nakamaru introduced them, and Kazuya believes that one day he will win it. The passion and erudition he shows, this man has something to be admired and Kazuya feels happy that he can help him in his research, and even sometimes comfort the young writer, when he falls prey to bouts of writer's block after his sudden rise to fame.
“I want to challenge myself,” he said when he asked Kazuya to assist him. Shige has no special knowledge of art and the Renaissance époque is foreign for him, but the idea for a novel is boiling in his head and Shige can’t back away, he is not that kind of person.
Listening now to the novel writer’s speech, Kazuya admits to himself, that he likes his job a lot. During these months, his life has changed, everything is different now, he has something for himself only, that belongs solely to him, he has friends, he has colleagues, he even has a small room, where all his books and clothes are in a perfect order. The only thing is; he doesn’t have Jin anymore.
Wandering the streets of the Tokyo alone in the night, in the rain, feeling so lonely and full of this bitter feeling that makes him angry at the same time.
Five hours!
He gave five hours to Jin, five hours to come outside and ask him to return, but Jin didn’t. He felt so unwanted and miserable, and his anger grew, as he blamed Jin and the whole world. When he realized that he had forgotten his phone, it was already too late. He couldn’t return, just never, not even when he feels himself to be a little stupid, because the whole idea of leaving wasn’t so attractive as before.
And who could he phone anyway? His parent or brothers? To listen the tirade about how they were right and how he ruined his life with “that” guy, because they never bothered themselves with calling Jin by his name. He can call Yamashita, maybe, he seems like a nice guy, but that smile and his staring slightly freaked Kazuya out and he didn’t want unnecessary questions at all.
Kazuya wandered the streets praying that the only person who maybe wouldn’t ask too much, (maybe not now, but later, later when he had more answers for himself) was still living in the same place. He felt so relieved when he saw the familiar name at the doorplate and after hesitation, feeling cold and tired, physically and mentally drained due to all these emotions, he knocked.
Koki was shocked, and Kazuya couldn't blame him, it’s not every day you see your childhood friend on your doorstep, soaked from head to toe and looking so pathetic. Not after five years of silence, because Kazuya was too busy being with Jin, because Koki understood that.
He smiled sheepishly, and greeted Koki quietly, trying to look more like a civilized person who lives respectfully in society and Koki smacked him on the head with an embarrassed smile, but with his eyes were full of concern. He didn’t ask anything, he just gave Kazuya a towel and his spare room, because “ no one is living here and Kazuya must stay because they haven’t seen each other for too long”. Maybe he just understood that Kazuya has nowhere else to go? He declined the offer of dinner and fell asleep on the couch, with Koki in the same room. Kazuya didn’t want to be alone.
The Solitude. Not anymore.
~
Kazuya has had enough time to think, to understand what happened to him during these years, what he did with his life, because in reality he has no one to blame. All the decisions, they always were his, Jin never pushed him or oppressed him. Kazuya was happy to do it, to give himself, to take care of and arrange their lives around Jin, to make his own life revolve around Jin, he felt happy taking care of him and being near.
So the question that bothers him the most is: When? When did everything become different, when did it stop being enough, when did the doubts and regrets appear?
When Jin called him his muse, again and again, repeating how perfect and unique he is? No, because Jin always was like that.
So when Kazuya came to this point, when he realised that he had lost himself, that he looks in the mirror and doesn't understand who he is, when he wonders what is so perfect and unique about him, when he has no dreams, no goals, no achievements, nothing? He has nothing in him.
Maybe it’s time to change something, to make all the mess in his head clear, to try and have a life, his own life?
Koki listens carefully, nodding at Kazuya’s words and proposing to help, because maybe Kazuya really doesn’t know what he wants himself.
“Are you really gay?” Koki asks suddenly.
“What? I wasn’t talking about that part, you idiot. Of course I am!” Kazuya says with indignation, because Koki is not helping with that question, he is only messing everything up even more.
“Why are you so sure? Have you even been attracted to anyone else?” Koki asks nonchalantly, brushing away all Kazuya’s arguments, because for him they are invalid.
“I spent 7 years with a man, of course I’m sure!” Kazuya waves his hands, like there is no need for any other proof.
“He was just your first love, acting so weird and talking such nonsense, and I really have no idea what you found attractive in him, he looked insane with his dumb smile ...”
“He is not dumb! He is an artist and has his own outlook and vision.” Kazuya can’t help himself, he defends Jin, because he always did it, because this is true and Koki is not right at all.
“Whatever. We must check if you are gay or not.”
“You have nothing else to do or you find it entertaining?”
“You have another proposition? You have been sitting in this room for two weeks already and I’m trying to make you leave it and have fun, just once.”
Koki raises an eyebrow and Kazuya doesn't really understand the connection between his sexual orientation and Koki’s intention to go out this evening. He still feels puzzled, right up until they enter a gay bar in Shinjuku Ni-chōme, where Koki says hello to everyone with a wide smile and hand shakes.
Kazuya sits at a table in the corner with a cocktail, and tries to be as invisible as he can, because if this is the way to verify his gayness he is no sure he wants to.
He doesn’t like places that are so noisy, with a dim light and with so many eyes on him, maybe not so crowded and maybe this is his paranoia or he can blame this too tight shirt that Koki made him wear, but he is unconformable. He wants to go home, but it seems that Koki is enjoying himself to the fullest.
Kazuya subtly watches the other people in the bar, there is a guy with very nice hair, but his shirt looks horrible, he must do something with his style; another one has really wonderful shoulders and it suddenly spoils Kazuya’s mood because something in his wild hair reminds him of Jin.
Hopeless.
The man at the table in the corner has a hideous tie, so hideous that it makes Kazuya flinch and look at who is the owner of this disaster. That was a shock; but sometimes places like this can prepare absolutely unexpected surprises. Nakamaru-san is sitting at the table, wearing that tie and talking with another man, who is very attractive and has a butterfly tattoo on his neck. A moment later and Nakamaru-san and Kazuya’s eyes meet. That was awkward, because all the memories about the nice evening in the restaurant with lovely Mariko-san and her husband who talked so nicely and modestly surface, and now everything seems really fake. It's not hard to understand that Nakamaru-san is feeling uncomfortable under the weight of Kazuya’s gaze.
The cocktail in Kazuya’s hands is full, and he sips trying to look in another direction, and finds Koki is talking and gesturing loudly, but he is too far away for Kazuya to understand.
Who is Kazuya to judge anyone anyway, he doubts that he has any right for it, every person has his own circumstances and who knows how Kazuya’s life would go if he had never met Jin. This idea sounds so wrong to him, no matter what happened between them, he never has regretted having Jin in his life, not even for a second.
Kazuya couldn’t really explain why he did it in that very moment, but it felt like the only right thing to do. He crossed the bar and approached Nakamaru-san’s table, the amber haired man with the butterfly tattoo left with a bow, saying good bye to Nakamaru and asking him to call later when he will have time.
“Good evening, Nakamaru-san,” Kazuya says politely, sitting in the empty chair, and not really knowing how to act and what to say.
“Good evening, are you alone here?” Nakamaru-san asks looking around, Kazuya supposes he is searching for Jin.
“I’m with my friend, he decided to distract me like this.”
“Oh, I see.”
Kazuya sighs, it was easy to read the man and his sympathetic expression is clear, like it’s not a big deal to look for distraction in a gay bar when you have just left your boyfriend.
“I’m sorry to hear it, you are .. were ... a lovely couple.”
Kazuya recognize the strange notes in his voice, “lovely”, because they never hid their relationship, because they loved each other openly.
“It’s complicated.”
Later when Kazuya sits in his room in Koki’s flat, it is difficult for him to understand why he felt it was so easy to share things with Nakamaru, an almost stranger, to talk about his life, about his dreams, about his regrets. He listened to the other man, who told him about his strict father, who was a police officer and his wife, who is really lovely and about his friends, he never was able to find enough courage in himself, the sad smile on his lips tells Kazuya, and he doubts he ever will.
Kazuya thinks about his own family, about his father and about Jin, who always was near, listening to the harsh words, staying beside him, so that he can feel that he is not alone, he could find some courage in Jin, enough to be brave himself.
Maybe that was why it was easy for them to talk, because the curtain was raised and they can be comrades in their own misery, comforting and understanding each other. Kazuya knows that if tomorrow they will meet again, they will greet each other with a polite bow and maybe make small talk about the art and weather. Nothing more than that.
When the night is almost over and the sun is so close to rising and painting the sky in soft pink velvet hues, they exchange phone numbers, and it's good that Koki gave his old phone to Kazuya, and they say good bye, feeling better after sharing their pain.
~
The call from Nakamaru-san that comes a few days later was absolutely unexpected and Kazuya really has no idea what to say to that proposition.
“We need a good consultant and I think you are competent enough. I have a friend who will be very grateful for your assistance.”
The job, the one that Kazuya will like, the one he needs, because he has no money and even if Koki is not complaining about his presence, he can't stay there forever. He would be independent and his dream will come true, but something held him back, maybe the strangest fear, because this is it, the turning point, where his life is really changing, absolutely and he was little bit frightened to make the step.
“Just go and don’t think too much. I think your own curse is that you are always thinking too much, you are too deep in self-absorbing consideration and all that shit.” Koki said it with a serious face while he washed the dishes, and Kazuya smacked him on the head, because he is not like that at all! Maybe just a little bit.
That was how Kazuya found a job and met the novel writer Kato Shigeaki.
His life was good and almost enjoyable, until Yamashita’s figure showed on the horizon with all the unnecessary feelings and yearning that grew in Kazuya’s heart, because he never even for a second could forget about Jin and with every new day he realize that he doesn’t want it.
The silence from Jin’s side is killing him, because it’s just another proof, that nothing will be the same again, that maybe everything is over and is broken beyond repair.
“I read the book, the one that you recommended to me the other day, it was very interesting and useful for my research, all the terminology and working moments.” Shige sits at the corner of Kazuya’s table with a mug of hot herbal tea in his hand, it always helps him to relax and find the inspiration. Every artist has their own quirks.
“I’m glad to know it.” Suddenly Shige furrows his eyebrow and Kazuya prepares to hear another question, the working process for this novel writer contains a lot of talking, him asking and Kazuya answering, not that he opposes it.
“I don’t fully understand how to write the moment when the sculptor finds the inspiration. My hero is surrounded by beauty and I don’t really know what can be strong enough to inspire him.”
“I think it is rather individual. You tell me. As a writer what inspires you the most?” Kazuya gives a counter question.
“After talking with you, I have a lot of ideas for my novel and your book recommendations help me a lot.” Shige smiles openly, and that makes Kazuya chuckle, because this man is really something, he says what he thinks and has opinions for everything.
“I feel flattered, but what about your first book then?”
“I don’t really know myself. Can it be everything and almost nothing in the same time, yet somehow the artist who is working with a blank stone, carefully hollowing the cold surface, how does he knows what it will look like? I have the paper and I’m working with words, but I’m trying to understand my sculptor.”
“Maybe the Muse.” Kazuya says thinking about his sculptor.
“The Muse, something that gives such a strong emotion that you feel like creating and can’t breathe freely until you fulfill the idea in your head?” Shige says thoughtfully. “That can be almost everything, like the sky, the melody, the person.”
“Yes, that can be a person, someone who is not perfect at all, but the artist keeps thinking that this person is perfect and not seeing the flaws and shortcomings, it's like something blinds him.” Kazuya says it aloud, and only after realizes how bitter and too personal his words sound, he just hopes Shige doesn’t notice it, but the writer starts laughing.
Kazuya looks at him in astonishment.
“This is love you are talking about, to accept the person and see the perfection in the one you are loving, this is not about the art or inspiration! That is just love.” He smiles and winks at Kazuya. “I have no idea you are such a romantic, Kazuya, you are sometimes full of surprises! ” He says it with a laugh, and accidently spills some tea and pushes away all the pencils from Kazuya’s table. Picking them up from the floor saves him from answering.
Kazuya has nothing to say, what is so obvious for Shige always was a riddle for him, maybe it was the same with Jin. The truth that exists only in Jin’s eyes is absolutely unreachable for Kazuya. Maybe he made a mistake? Maybe he should talk with Jin first. Too many “maybes” and the reality, where he is alone, without Jin by his side, who doesn’t show any desire to change this fact.
The invitation to the exhibition with his name on it waits for Kazuya the next morning, Yamashita always keeps his word.
~
The tall waiter in a perfect white shirt offers Kazuya a Champagne glass the minute he enters the gallery. He throws a brief look at the big mirror in a luxurious frame on the wall, still feeling nervous, because Jin will be here and they will meet each other.
After the months of silence and after Kazuya left him only have written that stupid pointless note, he can’t explain to himself why he didn’t write something more rich in content, maybe Jin didn’t understand what he meant? This idea is absolutely absurd, because of course Jin understands him perfectly and he just doesn’t want to see Kazuya’s face, who after seven years didn’t bother to even say goodbye personally. Still it was Jin who forgot about his birthday and acted unacceptably.
Kazuya tries to calm himself and the mess in his head, and licks his lips nervously. The exhibition is amazing and Kazuya meets a few people from the publishing world, Nakamaru-san is there with his lovely wife, who has no idea about another lovely man with a butterfly tattoo, not like that is any of Kazuya’s business.
For a second Kazuya stands still when another idea comes into his head, what if Jin isn't alone here? What if he has already found another muse and will stand there smiling happily and blabbering on about his new undying love, the thought and the images in Kazuya’s head make him so incredibly angry that he finishes his champagne in one go, and takes another one from a waiter in a crisp white shirt.
He looks at the hall with paintings, the name is new and not familiar to Kazuya, but the works are fierce and dark and incredible by the intense feelings that they give. Nishikido Ryo, there is something very deep and dark, Kazuya can see it in his works, the colors, and the ideas. He doubts that he want to meet this artist in person, his works are frightening enough by their content, but the one that is in the middle is different, soft and gentle and sad at the same time, the dark eyes of the woman that is looking at you are so beautiful and alive. This painting is wonderful and after some careful thinking Kazuya decides, that maybe with a better lighting system, these works would not look so scary and dark.
Maybe Kazuya made a mistake and he shouldn’t have come today, maybe he should just live his new life on his own, because he left, because he had reasons, or he thought back then that he did; now everything is confusing again.
One thing is certain, Kazuya wants to see Jin, maybe for the last time, maybe from afar, he must be sure, that everything is ok, that Jin is ok. That's what he keeps telling himself, feeling like a total hypocrite.
Kazuya steps into the next hall and finds the sculptures, and he feels so nervous and vulnerable, because if he sees someone else in Jin’s works he doubts he will survive it, he can’t, that's just impossible. He is selfish and he knows it, but Kazuya can’t help himself. Jin thought he was perfect, how could someone so selfish and full of fears be perfect? Never.
Few of these works are familiar to Kazuya, some he has already seen, they are like Jin, simple and deep, beautiful and strange, can’t leave you indifferent, commanding all your attention.
He examines the new pieces, that he has never seen before, feeling a lump grow in his throat, because he doesn’t need the titles to understand them, he doesn’t need the descriptions or anything, because Jin is talking to him, because nothing has changed, nothing, because Kazuya was so stupid and self-centered, because he can feel only his own pain. He wants to see Jin, right now and right here. With frustration he looks around, and doesn't find any traces of the artist.
Where is he when Kazuya needs him the most?
He stands near the last work in Jin’s collection; it is something new, a new material, new colors, the new Jin, it's made in glass and very fragile, almost translucent in its beauty and the content that the artist has put in this work. He wants to touch it, but holds himself back, because it looks like it can be destroyed so easily, but Kazuya knows that this impression is deceptive, because Jin prefers very stable materials, he makes his work, durable, constant and unshakable.
This sculpture is very touching. So simple and so deep, just like a heart that will beat forever, just for him. “Eternal.”
Kazuya feels like running to find Jin immediately and to throw in his face everything he is thinking about this absolutely crazy man, and after he will kiss him, because he has missed Jin, too much.
“Are you leaving already?”
The sudden voice nearby startles him, and Kazuya turns to see Yamashita. What does he mean by that look? He doesn’t have his usual smile plastered on, more than anything he looks displeased.
“I am.”
“You don’t even want to talk with Jin?!” Yamashita can’t hide the indignation in his voice.
“I don’t see him here, so maybe he has already left, Jin feels uncomfortable in places like this …” Kazuya freezes when he realizes what he wants to say at the end of that sentence.
“Uncomfortable without you, right? And you knew it and still, I don’t understand you, I don’t understand you at all. Is that so easy for you? Just tell me, is that normal for you to throw everything away and have a brand new life? For you to be reborn, have your very own solo renaissance, while Jin is so desperate and lonely? I don’t understand you?!”
There is something touching in Yamashita's righteous anger, so much that Kazuya can’t help himself, and needs to tease the man.
“I wonder why is it normal for you to stick your nose into my business, somewhere it absolutely does not belong?” Kazuya raises an eyebrow, with a questioning look.
“I’m the owner of the gallery. I feel invested.” He says it calmly, while looking around and checking that no one else heard the strange outburst from the cool and composed Yamashita Tomohisa.
“So maybe you will tell me then. Where I can find Jin?”
“He is smoking out on the balcony, the door on the right behind the curtains.”
“Thank you.”
~
Jin is here, right in front of his eyes, with snowflakes stuck in his hair that is tied back in a ponytail now. His hair is longer now and Jin is looking thinner.
It seems like he can feel someone is looking at him, he turns around slowly, like in those silly old romantic movies or maybe it’s only for Kazuya that everything is happening in slow motion, because he missed him, so much, missed everything about him. He wants to know everything, about his days, his mornings, his evenings and his nights, about every moment while they were apart, because Kazuya was so stupid and only now when he is looking at Jin does he understand, and perfectly, that it was him at fault, only Kazuya.
When had he become so blind to Jin’s feelings, to Jin’s words, because everything is so obvious now in those dark eyes, in the dark circles under his eyes, in the pale face.
Kazuya wanted to know that Jin was suffering without him, that thought made him feel better in the moments when he couldn’t fall asleep, thinking about the time they spent together. Now, seeing the traces of Jin’s loneliness and sufferings, Kazuya feels so guilty, so very guilty and it hurts, because Jin like this is heartbreaking, because Kazuya wants him to smile and to be happy, because no matter what he loves him, always did and always will, because the career and the other world means nothing, because a lot of years ago it was his choice and he will do it again and again, without any hesitation.
“Kazuya?” his voice is hoarse and the smile is shy, like he is not sure if it’s for real, so disarming, and so childish, like Kazuya will run away any second.
“Why haven’t you called me even once?!” Kazuya clenches his fist, almost painfully, observing how Jin looks down at the ground, at his own feet, so like Jin, so irritating.
“You left your phone.”
“So what? You should just try and find me!” His voice sounds firm, while he is breaking apart inside, watching this impossible man, who will never call for him and he doesn’t need his words now to know why, because it’s Jin and they can always understand each other without words, even if for a moment Kazuya lost himself, in his own pathetic thoughts and confusion, lost his way, and his path, and it was so useless and futile.
“I thought you didn't want me to find you.” Jin takes a step, the snowflakes are falling and his nose is red, because it’s cold and Jin only has a shirt, no jacket, and he looks good, except not that shirt with those shoes … Kazuya takes a deep breath.
“So that’s great, you decided just to be alone for your whole life, lonely and full of such depressed emotions that you will hollow out the poor marble and then make only fragile sculptures with eternal promises?!”
Jin brushes the snowflakes from Kazuya hair, his eyes are shining with the tenderness that always was there, waiting for Kazuya, welcoming him.
“I missed you,” he says softly and Kazuya echoes his words.
“I missed you too.”
“I love you, Kazuya.”
Kazuya’s words are like an echo, the reflection of the same feelings, of the same thoughts, of the same pain and yearning.
“I love you too.”
Kazuya caresses gently Jin’s cheek, his skin cold and wet from the snow, pushing his fingers into a messy ponytail and searching for those lips, that are craving for the same, after waiting for so long, just too feel the familiar warmth.
“Don’t ever leave me again.”
The whisper and Kazuya wraps his arms around the person he loves so much, embracing him and answering him in a whisper for only the two of them to hear.
“I won’t, never.”
It’s snowing, and behind the door and thin curtain a lot of people are observing the masterpieces, the ones that belong to a different artist, and they are absolutely oblivious to the two men on the balcony, who are still kissing with snowflakes falling about them. The two of them are in the world that they created for each other, where they exist only two people are really important: Kazuya and Jin and they are happy.
~Tomohisa~
Yamashita Tomohisa is a man who cares about his reputation, but looking through the glass door at the lovers reunion, he feels strangely touched and too emotionally invested, but now he knows, that this is the right way, this is exactly how things must be; and if someone by accident notices the pair on the balcony, well a little scandal never gave any harm to an art gallery, and any publicity is good publicity, if you don’t know.
He feels little bit embarrassed by his earlier outburst and the words he threw at Kamenashi, but he doesn’t regret it at all. In war, all means are good, well not really, and not saying that this is a war, but for love people should fight for it, especially for such a deep and strong feeling, one that connect them too and Tomohisa cannot not be involved.
Life in their building returns to the usual order, Kamenashi still is very busy, always rushing somewhere with his papers, but now he also has his work talking about the Renaissance, sometimes he stops by to tease Tomohisa, and later Tomohisa must admit, he does that perfectly. Sometimes they come over for dinner or even invite him for a nice evening together with a nice bottle of wine, because Kamenashi has a nice wine collection.
The gallery is prospering with new artists that are happy to be discovered by Tomohisa and the exhibitions that make a good name for the owner.
Tomohisa is enjoying his life, his work and just about every minute, but he must admit, that after his neighbors are living in an almost idyllic romantic relationship, he sometimes feels bored.
It even moves him to fight with Nishikido-san about the lighting for the exhibitions sometimes. After one of their now usual heated discussions about the color of the curtains near Nishikido-san’s painting, Tomohisa is walking around the gallery, looking around and checking the atmosphere, when he notices a man near Akansihi’s pieces.
“I just don’t understand.” He hears the man repeating it to himself.
“Maybe I can help you?” Tomohisa offers politely with his best smile, observing the attractive man.
“I’m trying to understand. What does this sculpture mean? I don’t … I can't see what it means ..” He sighs deeply, looking so hopeless, that Tomohisa feels sorry for him.
The last item in the new Akanishi exhibition is very memorable, after a long time being separated from his Muse, he felt doubly inspired and enjoyed imprinting the different sides of his muse into the marble, sometimes using a new method, sometimes being very naturalistic and always shameless with his titles and with the contents of his pieces.
“Aphrodisiac.” With all the curves and lines that remind the viewer of a suspiciously interesting part of the body, and it was different when you knew the particular person, one that Tomohisa meets regularly at his home, who is always busy and has those sneaky jokes …
The man is still waiting for him to reply.
“I think this is an embodiment of one of the sculptor’s fantasies. The influence of the Muse is what gave him the inspiration.”
Tomohisa can be proud of himself; he made it sound almost innocent. The man looks impressed, that is nice also.
“You know so much about the inspiration and the sculpture, I am almost jealous because for me it just looks like someone’s back and nothing else and I wonder why a sculptor decides to make it like that. Of everything to choose from, why choose that?”
It's a fair question, if only this back wasn’t so tempting, and not just to Tomohisa because so many visitors to the gallery adore this sculpture and already he has received many offers for this piece, but Akanishi refuses to sell it.
“I think this is a special trait of modern art and the specific outlook of the artist, who is … different.”
“Yes, I guess.” The stranger nods, and then smiles as he takes out a business card. “I forget to introduce myself, my name is Kato Shigeaki. I’m a writer.”
They exchange cards.
“Yamashita Tomohisa, I’m the owner of this gallery. So, Shigeaki-san, are you writing about modern art?”
“No, I prefer the Renaissance epoch. Kamenashi-san recommended that I visit this gallery, he said it could help me to understand how inspiration works for sculptures.”
“I see. I think I can help you with that. I am rather well acquainted with how a sculptor needs his Muse to find inspiration.”
Tomohisa says it with a charming smile, and invites his new friend to have lunch, where they can talk about artists and their muses. Tomohisa thinks that he will have a nice meal and maybe life will not be so boring after all.
Kato Shigeaki.
Very interesting.
Maybe … just maybe it wasn't only sculptors that needed a Muse for inspiration. Could novelists use a Muse as well?
Poll Team AU Prompt 2
Pairing/Group: Akame / KAT-TUN, Yamapi, Shige
Rating: R
Warnings: none
Summary: When Yamashita meets Kamenashi he is reminded of an old song and realises that, honestly it can’t be fun to always be the chosen one.
Notes: The title belongs to Madonna with her song “Masterpiece”
I love my wonderful beta! Thank you a lot for your advices and help! Many thanks to the people who supported me during every step of writing this fic and to the mods for their patience :3
~Tomohisa~
Tomohisa sits on his big comfortable couch that feels like heaven after the long, endless, busy day running around the gallery like a madman, mainly due to one annoying client, who has his own opinion on everything. He tries to take of his shoes, not by bending closer, but instead just rubbing his shoes against each another, toe to heel, because he feels absolutely exhausted, physically and mentally. This man is absolutely crazy and Tomohisa doubts he will ever work with him again.
Nishikido-san looks very harmless from the beginning until he opens his mouth and decides to share with the world his special point of view on everything, starting from Tomohisa’s horrible taste in clothes and ending with the light in the gallery, that is messing with the ability to see all the subtle composition and profound sense of his pieces of art. So full of himself and of his work! His voice is still ringing in Tomohisa’s head; he seriously needs painkillers after this day.
Working with Akanishi seems like a happy holiday after this too commanding and hard-to-please painter.
Maybe the weather is also to blame for his headache, from this morning it’s been so grey outside, he can’t see the sun at all, and it’s already getting dark out in the street. Tomohisa lazily stands, and pours himself some whisky, after the day he has had, he deserves it.
He looks through the window and is little bit surprised, there is a man sitting on the bench near the entrance. He needs few seconds to recognize Kamenashi.
They saw each other a few times at the same café over the last weeks. After that first time Kamenashi hasn't told him anything personal, he's just spoken about art research that he undertook back in the University and his own preferences in Art, that surprisingly are the same as Tomohisa's. The time they spent just talking was very enjoyable, he liked how serious and passionate Kamenashi sounded talking about things that he likes. They also talked about Jin. Maybe he hasn’t even noticed himself how his voice changes when he talks about Jin, just a little, but enough for Tomohisa to notice.
Maybe he should invite them again somewhere, maybe he will call Nakamaru again, it’s obvious that they will find topics to talk about and maybe they can even make a deal of some kind. Nakamaru is a professional critic and maybe in his magazine they need a few profiles on passionate specialists. People like Kamenashi can be very useful in the publishing business, with their knowledge about the art and scholarship. It's obvious that he must feel bored if he has decided to sit alone on that bench so late in the evening, maybe he needs some fresh air, after the specific smells of Jin’s materials in their flat?
Maybe Tomohisa can invite him over, just for a some nice conversation and maybe an offer of some good wine; he has one excellent rare bottle from Spain- but - right there he mentally stops himself. He shouldn’t be too annoying and force himself into other people's company, Kamenashi seems like a reserved person, one who doesn’t like to share with others his private life and a few times spent talking at a café doesn’t really mean that they are friends now.
Tomohisa throws a last look at the lonely figure. That is strange and slightly worrying, he looks so small and vulnerable, but then he reminds himself that he is living on the 10th floor and it’s not so surprising that Kamenashi looks small.
After a warm relaxing bath and a change of clothes that feels so nice against his clean skin, Tomohisa returns to the window and sees Kamenashi sitting in the same place, alone with his shoulders hunched. He can’t see his face that is hidden behind his long hair and of course the distance between them.
He wonders why Kamenashi is alone in the street and what he is doing there, maybe he's just thinking, but can’t he think in his home or on the luxurious balcony that they have in their flat? He has no idea, but a strange feeling appears in the pit of his stomach, weird and unpleasant.
The hours pass and the street is plunged into darkness, with only a few lights that make odd shadows appear on the asphalt. Kamenashi is not sleeping, he's still sitting on that bench, he hasn’t even noticed that it is raining, it started lightly and is now pounding down on his shoulders, that look so small and fragile from the place up where Tomohisa is standing with a glass in his hand that he doesn’t feel like drinking at all anymore. He's just observing and trying to understand what is going on.
Kamenashi stands, picks up a suitcase and walks away, he doesn’t return to the building but goes out into the night. Tomohisa looks at the clock, he's spent at least 5 hours sitting on that stupid bench before he left.
Tomohisa has a sleepless night, wondering where the hell is Jin?
~
Jin is nowhere around, even when Tomohisa's secretary tries to contact him, there is no answer. It's not like Tomohisa to start worrying, but there isn't any sight of Kamenashi around and it seems like no one cares and what Jin is even thinking about?
Of course, he feels confused and when he has any free time or even during his negotiations and business meetings, Tomohisa keeps thinking about all the possibilities and possible places where Kamenashi might be, maybe he has some family and something happened and they needed him urgently, so he ran there without hesitation, if sitting on a bench for five hours can be equal to running somewhere urgently.
Tomohisa has a headache already, trying to understand what happened, because in the ideal love story that exists in his head, Kamenashi’s action doesn’t fit at all! Then he has another idea, in the love scenario that Tomohisa created for his neighbors, this could be a lovers quarrel and if you see enough love dramas (and Tomohisa doesn’t watch them at all, but his mother does, and is always asking him to just look, ‘because this moment is perfect” and Tomohisa loves everything perfect). So shortly, in every possible scenario, after the love quarrel must be a love reunion, when the hero is asking for forgiveness. So here is the same question again, where is Jin?
Tomohisa tries to contact him again, not just because of his wild imagination and sick curiosity, but because after a few months they planned to have another exhibition, one that will represent the modern art and the newcomers of the last few years, thus Tomohisa must know how many works Jin wants to show.
He looks despairingly at the pile of the files on his table, thinking that he has work and still he can’t stop thinking about the lonely figure on the bench, in the rain in the dark night. Something very wrong. Maybe he should have left his home and talked with Kamenashi that day?
Tomohisa looks at Akanishi’s contract and notices the note that was inside the file. A note from Kamenashi Kazuya and his phone number with a request to contact him if there is any questions regarding Akanishi Jin’s work, if the artist is not available due to his tendency to lose himself in his work.
Tomohisa just calls, without thinking, and listens to the slow beeps on the phone.
“Yes.” The hoarse voice that answers doesn’t belong to Kamenashi. That is Jin.
“Jin! Hello, this is Yamashita Tomohisa talking, I can’t contact you and I finally found a note in your file, and I have a question.”
He hopes he is not sounding like he is making too many excuses, because he does feel a bit uncomfortable, because lately all he thinks about is Akanishi’s boyfriend who left 3 weeks ago and he hasn’t seen him and of course it's strange, and it must be odd for Jin and this is even more confusing and…
“What question?”
He sounds calm, or maybe not? Tomohisa has no idea how Jin sounds when he is calm, but at least he is not panicking and screaming that he lost his boyfriend.
“The exhibition that we talked about earlier? I want to know how much work you can show, because you will have one hall. This exhibition will be like a fusion of the different directions of modern art and I think that could be a great chance for you and your last one was such a success.”
Tomohisa switched into professional mode, thinking how awkward Jin was at the last exhibition and now what consequences it could have for a new exhibition, maybe it's better to avoid interviews for him, because Kamenashi is not around and this is important for Jin's career. No, Tomohisa is not only thinking about the money and business all the time; he can be sensitive, when he wants to be.
“I will, I have 4 pieces ready and I think that I will create more before the exhibition.”
“That’s good. So I will wait to hear from you. Good bye.”
Jin hangs the phone up, and they haven’t discussed the part where it belongs to Kamenashi.
Just 4 works? During such a long period? Tomohisa can swear that Kamenashi told him about 10 pieces being ready at least.
Something is wrong between them, but Tomohisa is too busy to make more hypotheses right now. He sighs again, and looks at the pile of paper on the corner of his desk, that won’t disappear by itself.
~
He sees Jin a week later, all messy and sleepy, with his hair looking like someone was pulling him along forcefully by his hair and his clothes covered with all the remains from his work. It is unexpected, and for a moment Tomohisa thought that maybe someone is making capital repairs on the flat and he doesn’t know about it, and that is bad, because such a repair is against the rules, this place is peaceful and too luxurious to let workers inside in dusty clothes and stain the wonderfully detailed carpet, that was specially made for this hall.
“Hi.”
It is Jin after all.
“Good evening. Long time no see! How is your work?”
They don't shake hands, Tomohisa like his Armani and it seems Jin does care about his crumpled shirt a bit.
“It’s ok. I just have some old stuff to throw away and I decided to do it myself.”
Tomohisa looks interested in this, because this is the first time he knows of that Jin decided to do it himself, the first time at least since he moved into this place.
“I hope your work is progressing, because the time, you know, it’s flowing so fast.”
Jin is smiling, he looks thinner and paler, or maybe it’s just the dust, but he looks unwell and Tomohisa can see it clearly now. Maybe he is not alone, maybe he is not the only one who tried to understand where Kamenashi has gone?
He looks with sympathy at a person who used to be a boy with a wide clueless smile and a very strange outlook, nothing changed through the years, he is just taller and his shoulders are broader and he now looks lost and messy.
Abandoned.
Later, when Jin has closed the door of his luxurious empty flat, Tomohisa finds out that the “old stuff” that was thrown away, discarded like no one needs it anymore, like it’s not a piece of art from a talented artist, as if it was just a soulless pieces of marble and stone. Tomohisa looks at the sculptures discarded on the floor, laying there in the dirt and dust, and thinks that this is a crime. Maybe for Jin they are painful memories that he doesn’t want to see anymore, maybe he is just unsatisfied in his work, Tomohisa has no idea, but as a person who values and loves art, who understands the price that the artist paid to make it, all the sweat and effort and feeling; he can’t leave it like this.
He arranges for them to be carried to his flat, and very carefully cleaned.
Tomohisa understands why only 4 works are ready, because the other six are sitting on his table now and they are ruined, with cruel hits from an artist’s hand, ruined beyond repair and it’s obvious they can’t be saved, maybe their place is really at the dumped at the bottom of a trash can. Tomohisa, with the eye of a specialist, can see what they could be, and it’s beautiful and it’s like they never happened now. He will order them to be removed, if Akanishi made this decision, maybe he must respect it.
Yet the last one. It’s beautiful and maybe not so perfect in its implementation, it seems this sculpture is one of the earliest works of the artist. A little bit clumsy, naïve and very lovely, the hands with a heart held in them, like someone is giving it, giving himself without restraint, trying to speak through the piece of marble.
For a moment Tomohisa feels his emotions overflowing, like waves, so unlike him, to be so emotionally touched by the art, maybe the reason is that he knows so well the story behind this work and the ending, that is so heartbreaking.
Tomohisa doesn’t know the title of this sculpture, but the only word that is spinning in his head now fits perfectly.
It looks like a Confession.
He hopes this is not the end.
Not now. And not like this.
~
The whisky bottle is almost empty now and Tomohisa considered sliding onto the floor where is Jin located, because it looks like the floor is more comfortable than the couch. They have seen each other in the hall a few times, mainly because Jin needs to eat and go out for groceries, but after Tomohisa told him that he can order something and have it delivered, this made the artist so happy that he closed himself in his flat for few weeks more.
Maybe that is because he looks miserable and abandoned, like a kicked puppy, but in fact he still has a home while Yamashita has no idea where Kamenashi disappeared to and it seems Jin is also clueless.
He invites his high-school friend who didn’t even recognize him when they met each other after few years over for dinner, they get drunk and it somehow feels like a high-school party again, even if they never got drunk back then.
Jin notices the sculpture, the one that he threw away and Yamashita rescued, placed there on the table. He isn’t even surprised, like it’s not even a big deal and maybe the owner of the building is digging in the garbage all the time looking for discarded art treasures ...
“It hurts. To look at this, it hurts.”
Tomohisa isn’t sure exactly what Jin means. Why? Maybe some painful memories, because Kamenashi left him? He doesn’t hesitate to ask, because Jin doesn’t care about the concept of being polite and not invading someone else's space, or sticking his nose somewhere it doesn't belong.
“Why?”
“Because. I broke my promise, because I said that I will be always near him, and I wasn’t.”
Tomohisa is silent, he really has no idea what to say, what to add, Jin knows better than anyone what he did wrong.
“That’s why it hurts.”
He looks at Jin, who takes out a rumpled note from his pocket. Can it be a note that Kamenashi left for him, maybe giving him some explanations?
“What did he write?”
“That he is leaving.” Jin’s voice is hushed, Tomohisa swallows, looking sympathetically at a man who clings to the paper note like his life depends on it.
“Why?” Tomohisa asks, it feels like he needs to know, because he never saw this coming and he doesn’t like not understanding, because the part of his heart that is full of romantic rubbish is screaming with questions.
Jin doesn’t hesitate, his eyes are clear, despite the fact that he is drunk.
“Because I’m not perfect.”
~
When people want time to pass, and are counting every second, time moves painfully slowly, but when Tomohisa has too much work to even sit still for a few minutes, he thinks time is flying very fast.
The preparations for the exhibition are in full swing, but he is not completely sure it will have as big an impact as he wants. His inbox is almost screaming from all the RSVPs from friends who want to be there, the people from the college; his gallery is big, but not that huge, thus he had to make it fairly exclusive and only let in people with a special VIP invitation. All the fuss, the media, the indignation of the people who can’t get in Tomohisa knows that some people are offended, but he is satisfied and pleased with how the event is turning out. He has worked hard to build his reputation and the gallery and now people are almost dying to get onto the invite list. His gallery is in demand, isn’t that a reason to be in a good mood?
He has one last envelope in his hands, and he is going to give it to one important person; having a well-respected critic at the event with a nice written article after is always a bonus, and Tomohisa likes Nakamaru for his fairness and impartiality. He loves art and beauty and doesn't feel any hesitation about expressing it.
That is the first time that Tomohisa has actually visited Nakamaru at the publishing house, but he has no desire to leave this important mission to his secretary and he is a little curious to see Nakamaru-san at work. The man is always so collected and serious, never lets himself say anything or do anything inappropriate. People just can’t be so upright and proper in everything, maybe he has some weird hobby, like collecting pink butterflies at his working desk? Tomohisa is disappointed when Nakamaru meets him with a polite smile, and adjusts the hideous glasses sitting on his nose as he stands up to shake hands with him.
Tomohisa hopes he will find the time to attend the exhibition and he will be happy to see him there with his lovely wife. Nakamaru says it will be his pleasure, and jokingly says he will wear the red tie with little balls on it.
He is ready to leave, when a man enters the office, and stops him in his tracks.
It is Kamenashi.
He looks almost the same, busy, rushing somewhere, with a stack of papers in his hands. He's wearing brand new glasses, his hair is longer and is now in a neat ponytail, he looks good - and he has just noticed Tomohisa.
“Kamenashi-san, long time no see! How are you doing?”
Tomohisa sounds very official and he feels slightly nervous, maybe because over the last few months he has spent a lot of time listening to a drunk artist pouring his soul out to him and he feels too invested in everything that surrounds these two.
Kamenashi smiles brightly and shakes his hand.
“I’m fine, it's such a surprise to see you here.”
“I can say the same.”
They head to the cafeteria in the publishing house, and Kamenashi orders tea. This place is fancy, and serves the tea in delicate china cups, and Kamenashi looks very natural with the china in his hands.
“How is your work?” he asks politely and Tomohisa answers.
“It's killing me lately.”
Kamenashi chuckles, with a knowing look, he understands it perfectly and Tomohisa wants to ask the same, but something is stopping him, maybe after spending too much time talking with Jin and not trying to be polite or having to watch his words, now he is scared he will say something too blunt. Jin’s way of talking and his crazy outlook are just too contagious.
Maybe not for Kamenashi, maybe he has some immunity, because he still has this unreadable expression behind this polite smile.
“What about you? The publishing? That must be something interesting?”
He asks the question, thinking that after this guy spent years just talking care of one artist and looking after his papers and bills day after day, anything else will look interesting.
“Very interesting, I’m currently just a consultant, I'm helping with a new writer who is writing their second book. Their debut book became a bestseller immediately, he is writing a new one, and he needs some art consultation.”
“Newcomer? I think we have something in common in our jobs?” They laugh and Kamenashi looks relaxed, while Tomohisa is not at all. “And what is his book about?”
“His name is Kato Shigeaki. The first one was a little autobiographical and he decide to challenge himself more with this second one, and write a novel about a sculptor, someone who tries to achieve his dreams.”
“Is that also someone’s biography?”
Kamenashi is smiling again, but this time only with his lips that look exactly like the sculpture in Tomohisa’s bedroom, and not with those eyes at all.
“No, it takes a place in Italy, during the Renaissance.”
“Oh, I see.”
Kamenashi glances at his watch.
“I have to go already, but it was really nice to meet you today.”
Was it so nice? Tomohisa doesn’t understand this guy at all, what he is feeling, what he is thinking. He is all closed up, like he put the heavy lock on his emotions, absolutely refusing to share with anyone or anything. After the bottle of whisky on that rainy evening, Akanishi told him about some of their moments, pouring his soul out in his messy, weird ways, and that left Yamashita puzzled and he needed time to make all the information in his head clear and put it in order.
This story can’t finish like this and not even Kamenashi with this polite expression and unreadable eyes and every gesture that tries to tell him that he is perfectly ok, with his new job, with his brand new glasses and some writer, not even the job talking about the Renaissance can make him believe it. That can’t be ok, Tomohisa is not agreeing with it.
“Kamenashi-san, very soon in my gallery there will be an exhibition. It’s closed to the public, and will be very interesting. I dedicated it to the modern art and all the ways it can be represented, I will be very happy if you can find a time for it.”
He sees the hesitation in the man’s eyes and he adds, “Nakamaru-san will be there also and I understand you are working in his department.”
“I will come, thank you.”
“I will send the invitation to your work place.”
Kamenashi says goodbye and leaves without even once looking back, his back straight and unshakable, so different form the last time, when he saw him, soaked from the heavy rain, alone at the bench.
Kamenashi is different and Tomohisa is doubly curious now.
~Kazuya~
Kazuya looks at the big window without blinking, he's already lost track of the time, just staring and staring, not really seeing anything. He can’t see the sky outside, the one that is blue with bright sunshine, he can’t see the different shapes and forms of the snowflakes that like a million crystals are painting the street in innocent white, he can’t see the people walking down the streets, trying to protect themselves from the cold wind while they rush somewhere because they are busy, or because someone is waiting for them, someone who is feeling lonely without their presence.
Kazuya can see only Jin now, can only think about how he is living now, wonder if he is healthy and takes care of himself or if he is just living like he always did, before Kazuya who surrounded him with his care. Suddenly it’s so hard to swallow and this strange feeling like something heavy is sitting on his chest appears and Kazuya can’t breathe for a second.
Yamashita's surprise visit has upset him, and all the storm of emotions that he has tried to tame during the past months, all the doubt that he thought he left in his past, everything is now here, awake, making him shaky and uncertain, because he asks himself again, if he was right, if it wasn’t just a stupid mistake?
He has no answers, he just doesn’t know, he has no one to ask, no one to blame. It was his decision, there is only himself to blame.
“Kamenashi-san?”
Kazuya looks up at the person who has entered the office.
“Yes?”
“Is everything ok? I’ve been standing here for few minutes already and you haven't paid any attention to my presence. It's making me start worrying about you?”
The smile appears on the writer's attractive face, and he tilts his head, with a concerned look.
“I’m fine, perfectly fine.” Kazuya shakes his head hastily, like he is trying to send away all the unnecessary thoughts, the ones that are too difficult for him to handle right now, he will think about it later, about Yamashita with his strange look, like he knows everything, like he can see right through Kazuya, about Jin who is too far away, who didn’t call even once, who doesn’t need him.
“So, maybe I can make a proposition that you just can’t refuse? What about lunch?”
Kazuya just nods with a small smile as he realises that he hasn’t eaten anything for the whole day.
The same cafeteria where he sit with Yamashita only a few hours before, Kato-san is talking about a new idea for the next chapter, a sudden idea that he is dying to share with Kazuya.
Kato-san is a nice person, no, Shige, he prefers it when Kazuya calls him that, because they are the same age and are working closely together for his next book.
He is very talented and has this energy that is boiling inside him, charging all people around him with his enthusiasm. Shige is a person who has a dream, and he is giving all of himself to achieve it.
“Writing is everything for me and someday, I would like to win the Naoki Prize.” Shige said this to Kazuya when Nakamaru introduced them, and Kazuya believes that one day he will win it. The passion and erudition he shows, this man has something to be admired and Kazuya feels happy that he can help him in his research, and even sometimes comfort the young writer, when he falls prey to bouts of writer's block after his sudden rise to fame.
“I want to challenge myself,” he said when he asked Kazuya to assist him. Shige has no special knowledge of art and the Renaissance époque is foreign for him, but the idea for a novel is boiling in his head and Shige can’t back away, he is not that kind of person.
Listening now to the novel writer’s speech, Kazuya admits to himself, that he likes his job a lot. During these months, his life has changed, everything is different now, he has something for himself only, that belongs solely to him, he has friends, he has colleagues, he even has a small room, where all his books and clothes are in a perfect order. The only thing is; he doesn’t have Jin anymore.
Wandering the streets of the Tokyo alone in the night, in the rain, feeling so lonely and full of this bitter feeling that makes him angry at the same time.
Five hours!
He gave five hours to Jin, five hours to come outside and ask him to return, but Jin didn’t. He felt so unwanted and miserable, and his anger grew, as he blamed Jin and the whole world. When he realized that he had forgotten his phone, it was already too late. He couldn’t return, just never, not even when he feels himself to be a little stupid, because the whole idea of leaving wasn’t so attractive as before.
And who could he phone anyway? His parent or brothers? To listen the tirade about how they were right and how he ruined his life with “that” guy, because they never bothered themselves with calling Jin by his name. He can call Yamashita, maybe, he seems like a nice guy, but that smile and his staring slightly freaked Kazuya out and he didn’t want unnecessary questions at all.
Kazuya wandered the streets praying that the only person who maybe wouldn’t ask too much, (maybe not now, but later, later when he had more answers for himself) was still living in the same place. He felt so relieved when he saw the familiar name at the doorplate and after hesitation, feeling cold and tired, physically and mentally drained due to all these emotions, he knocked.
Koki was shocked, and Kazuya couldn't blame him, it’s not every day you see your childhood friend on your doorstep, soaked from head to toe and looking so pathetic. Not after five years of silence, because Kazuya was too busy being with Jin, because Koki understood that.
He smiled sheepishly, and greeted Koki quietly, trying to look more like a civilized person who lives respectfully in society and Koki smacked him on the head with an embarrassed smile, but with his eyes were full of concern. He didn’t ask anything, he just gave Kazuya a towel and his spare room, because “ no one is living here and Kazuya must stay because they haven’t seen each other for too long”. Maybe he just understood that Kazuya has nowhere else to go? He declined the offer of dinner and fell asleep on the couch, with Koki in the same room. Kazuya didn’t want to be alone.
The Solitude. Not anymore.
~
Kazuya has had enough time to think, to understand what happened to him during these years, what he did with his life, because in reality he has no one to blame. All the decisions, they always were his, Jin never pushed him or oppressed him. Kazuya was happy to do it, to give himself, to take care of and arrange their lives around Jin, to make his own life revolve around Jin, he felt happy taking care of him and being near.
So the question that bothers him the most is: When? When did everything become different, when did it stop being enough, when did the doubts and regrets appear?
When Jin called him his muse, again and again, repeating how perfect and unique he is? No, because Jin always was like that.
So when Kazuya came to this point, when he realised that he had lost himself, that he looks in the mirror and doesn't understand who he is, when he wonders what is so perfect and unique about him, when he has no dreams, no goals, no achievements, nothing? He has nothing in him.
Maybe it’s time to change something, to make all the mess in his head clear, to try and have a life, his own life?
Koki listens carefully, nodding at Kazuya’s words and proposing to help, because maybe Kazuya really doesn’t know what he wants himself.
“Are you really gay?” Koki asks suddenly.
“What? I wasn’t talking about that part, you idiot. Of course I am!” Kazuya says with indignation, because Koki is not helping with that question, he is only messing everything up even more.
“Why are you so sure? Have you even been attracted to anyone else?” Koki asks nonchalantly, brushing away all Kazuya’s arguments, because for him they are invalid.
“I spent 7 years with a man, of course I’m sure!” Kazuya waves his hands, like there is no need for any other proof.
“He was just your first love, acting so weird and talking such nonsense, and I really have no idea what you found attractive in him, he looked insane with his dumb smile ...”
“He is not dumb! He is an artist and has his own outlook and vision.” Kazuya can’t help himself, he defends Jin, because he always did it, because this is true and Koki is not right at all.
“Whatever. We must check if you are gay or not.”
“You have nothing else to do or you find it entertaining?”
“You have another proposition? You have been sitting in this room for two weeks already and I’m trying to make you leave it and have fun, just once.”
Koki raises an eyebrow and Kazuya doesn't really understand the connection between his sexual orientation and Koki’s intention to go out this evening. He still feels puzzled, right up until they enter a gay bar in Shinjuku Ni-chōme, where Koki says hello to everyone with a wide smile and hand shakes.
Kazuya sits at a table in the corner with a cocktail, and tries to be as invisible as he can, because if this is the way to verify his gayness he is no sure he wants to.
He doesn’t like places that are so noisy, with a dim light and with so many eyes on him, maybe not so crowded and maybe this is his paranoia or he can blame this too tight shirt that Koki made him wear, but he is unconformable. He wants to go home, but it seems that Koki is enjoying himself to the fullest.
Kazuya subtly watches the other people in the bar, there is a guy with very nice hair, but his shirt looks horrible, he must do something with his style; another one has really wonderful shoulders and it suddenly spoils Kazuya’s mood because something in his wild hair reminds him of Jin.
Hopeless.
The man at the table in the corner has a hideous tie, so hideous that it makes Kazuya flinch and look at who is the owner of this disaster. That was a shock; but sometimes places like this can prepare absolutely unexpected surprises. Nakamaru-san is sitting at the table, wearing that tie and talking with another man, who is very attractive and has a butterfly tattoo on his neck. A moment later and Nakamaru-san and Kazuya’s eyes meet. That was awkward, because all the memories about the nice evening in the restaurant with lovely Mariko-san and her husband who talked so nicely and modestly surface, and now everything seems really fake. It's not hard to understand that Nakamaru-san is feeling uncomfortable under the weight of Kazuya’s gaze.
The cocktail in Kazuya’s hands is full, and he sips trying to look in another direction, and finds Koki is talking and gesturing loudly, but he is too far away for Kazuya to understand.
Who is Kazuya to judge anyone anyway, he doubts that he has any right for it, every person has his own circumstances and who knows how Kazuya’s life would go if he had never met Jin. This idea sounds so wrong to him, no matter what happened between them, he never has regretted having Jin in his life, not even for a second.
Kazuya couldn’t really explain why he did it in that very moment, but it felt like the only right thing to do. He crossed the bar and approached Nakamaru-san’s table, the amber haired man with the butterfly tattoo left with a bow, saying good bye to Nakamaru and asking him to call later when he will have time.
“Good evening, Nakamaru-san,” Kazuya says politely, sitting in the empty chair, and not really knowing how to act and what to say.
“Good evening, are you alone here?” Nakamaru-san asks looking around, Kazuya supposes he is searching for Jin.
“I’m with my friend, he decided to distract me like this.”
“Oh, I see.”
Kazuya sighs, it was easy to read the man and his sympathetic expression is clear, like it’s not a big deal to look for distraction in a gay bar when you have just left your boyfriend.
“I’m sorry to hear it, you are .. were ... a lovely couple.”
Kazuya recognize the strange notes in his voice, “lovely”, because they never hid their relationship, because they loved each other openly.
“It’s complicated.”
Later when Kazuya sits in his room in Koki’s flat, it is difficult for him to understand why he felt it was so easy to share things with Nakamaru, an almost stranger, to talk about his life, about his dreams, about his regrets. He listened to the other man, who told him about his strict father, who was a police officer and his wife, who is really lovely and about his friends, he never was able to find enough courage in himself, the sad smile on his lips tells Kazuya, and he doubts he ever will.
Kazuya thinks about his own family, about his father and about Jin, who always was near, listening to the harsh words, staying beside him, so that he can feel that he is not alone, he could find some courage in Jin, enough to be brave himself.
Maybe that was why it was easy for them to talk, because the curtain was raised and they can be comrades in their own misery, comforting and understanding each other. Kazuya knows that if tomorrow they will meet again, they will greet each other with a polite bow and maybe make small talk about the art and weather. Nothing more than that.
When the night is almost over and the sun is so close to rising and painting the sky in soft pink velvet hues, they exchange phone numbers, and it's good that Koki gave his old phone to Kazuya, and they say good bye, feeling better after sharing their pain.
~
The call from Nakamaru-san that comes a few days later was absolutely unexpected and Kazuya really has no idea what to say to that proposition.
“We need a good consultant and I think you are competent enough. I have a friend who will be very grateful for your assistance.”
The job, the one that Kazuya will like, the one he needs, because he has no money and even if Koki is not complaining about his presence, he can't stay there forever. He would be independent and his dream will come true, but something held him back, maybe the strangest fear, because this is it, the turning point, where his life is really changing, absolutely and he was little bit frightened to make the step.
“Just go and don’t think too much. I think your own curse is that you are always thinking too much, you are too deep in self-absorbing consideration and all that shit.” Koki said it with a serious face while he washed the dishes, and Kazuya smacked him on the head, because he is not like that at all! Maybe just a little bit.
That was how Kazuya found a job and met the novel writer Kato Shigeaki.
His life was good and almost enjoyable, until Yamashita’s figure showed on the horizon with all the unnecessary feelings and yearning that grew in Kazuya’s heart, because he never even for a second could forget about Jin and with every new day he realize that he doesn’t want it.
The silence from Jin’s side is killing him, because it’s just another proof, that nothing will be the same again, that maybe everything is over and is broken beyond repair.
“I read the book, the one that you recommended to me the other day, it was very interesting and useful for my research, all the terminology and working moments.” Shige sits at the corner of Kazuya’s table with a mug of hot herbal tea in his hand, it always helps him to relax and find the inspiration. Every artist has their own quirks.
“I’m glad to know it.” Suddenly Shige furrows his eyebrow and Kazuya prepares to hear another question, the working process for this novel writer contains a lot of talking, him asking and Kazuya answering, not that he opposes it.
“I don’t fully understand how to write the moment when the sculptor finds the inspiration. My hero is surrounded by beauty and I don’t really know what can be strong enough to inspire him.”
“I think it is rather individual. You tell me. As a writer what inspires you the most?” Kazuya gives a counter question.
“After talking with you, I have a lot of ideas for my novel and your book recommendations help me a lot.” Shige smiles openly, and that makes Kazuya chuckle, because this man is really something, he says what he thinks and has opinions for everything.
“I feel flattered, but what about your first book then?”
“I don’t really know myself. Can it be everything and almost nothing in the same time, yet somehow the artist who is working with a blank stone, carefully hollowing the cold surface, how does he knows what it will look like? I have the paper and I’m working with words, but I’m trying to understand my sculptor.”
“Maybe the Muse.” Kazuya says thinking about his sculptor.
“The Muse, something that gives such a strong emotion that you feel like creating and can’t breathe freely until you fulfill the idea in your head?” Shige says thoughtfully. “That can be almost everything, like the sky, the melody, the person.”
“Yes, that can be a person, someone who is not perfect at all, but the artist keeps thinking that this person is perfect and not seeing the flaws and shortcomings, it's like something blinds him.” Kazuya says it aloud, and only after realizes how bitter and too personal his words sound, he just hopes Shige doesn’t notice it, but the writer starts laughing.
Kazuya looks at him in astonishment.
“This is love you are talking about, to accept the person and see the perfection in the one you are loving, this is not about the art or inspiration! That is just love.” He smiles and winks at Kazuya. “I have no idea you are such a romantic, Kazuya, you are sometimes full of surprises! ” He says it with a laugh, and accidently spills some tea and pushes away all the pencils from Kazuya’s table. Picking them up from the floor saves him from answering.
Kazuya has nothing to say, what is so obvious for Shige always was a riddle for him, maybe it was the same with Jin. The truth that exists only in Jin’s eyes is absolutely unreachable for Kazuya. Maybe he made a mistake? Maybe he should talk with Jin first. Too many “maybes” and the reality, where he is alone, without Jin by his side, who doesn’t show any desire to change this fact.
The invitation to the exhibition with his name on it waits for Kazuya the next morning, Yamashita always keeps his word.
~
The tall waiter in a perfect white shirt offers Kazuya a Champagne glass the minute he enters the gallery. He throws a brief look at the big mirror in a luxurious frame on the wall, still feeling nervous, because Jin will be here and they will meet each other.
After the months of silence and after Kazuya left him only have written that stupid pointless note, he can’t explain to himself why he didn’t write something more rich in content, maybe Jin didn’t understand what he meant? This idea is absolutely absurd, because of course Jin understands him perfectly and he just doesn’t want to see Kazuya’s face, who after seven years didn’t bother to even say goodbye personally. Still it was Jin who forgot about his birthday and acted unacceptably.
Kazuya tries to calm himself and the mess in his head, and licks his lips nervously. The exhibition is amazing and Kazuya meets a few people from the publishing world, Nakamaru-san is there with his lovely wife, who has no idea about another lovely man with a butterfly tattoo, not like that is any of Kazuya’s business.
For a second Kazuya stands still when another idea comes into his head, what if Jin isn't alone here? What if he has already found another muse and will stand there smiling happily and blabbering on about his new undying love, the thought and the images in Kazuya’s head make him so incredibly angry that he finishes his champagne in one go, and takes another one from a waiter in a crisp white shirt.
He looks at the hall with paintings, the name is new and not familiar to Kazuya, but the works are fierce and dark and incredible by the intense feelings that they give. Nishikido Ryo, there is something very deep and dark, Kazuya can see it in his works, the colors, and the ideas. He doubts that he want to meet this artist in person, his works are frightening enough by their content, but the one that is in the middle is different, soft and gentle and sad at the same time, the dark eyes of the woman that is looking at you are so beautiful and alive. This painting is wonderful and after some careful thinking Kazuya decides, that maybe with a better lighting system, these works would not look so scary and dark.
Maybe Kazuya made a mistake and he shouldn’t have come today, maybe he should just live his new life on his own, because he left, because he had reasons, or he thought back then that he did; now everything is confusing again.
One thing is certain, Kazuya wants to see Jin, maybe for the last time, maybe from afar, he must be sure, that everything is ok, that Jin is ok. That's what he keeps telling himself, feeling like a total hypocrite.
Kazuya steps into the next hall and finds the sculptures, and he feels so nervous and vulnerable, because if he sees someone else in Jin’s works he doubts he will survive it, he can’t, that's just impossible. He is selfish and he knows it, but Kazuya can’t help himself. Jin thought he was perfect, how could someone so selfish and full of fears be perfect? Never.
Few of these works are familiar to Kazuya, some he has already seen, they are like Jin, simple and deep, beautiful and strange, can’t leave you indifferent, commanding all your attention.
He examines the new pieces, that he has never seen before, feeling a lump grow in his throat, because he doesn’t need the titles to understand them, he doesn’t need the descriptions or anything, because Jin is talking to him, because nothing has changed, nothing, because Kazuya was so stupid and self-centered, because he can feel only his own pain. He wants to see Jin, right now and right here. With frustration he looks around, and doesn't find any traces of the artist.
Where is he when Kazuya needs him the most?
He stands near the last work in Jin’s collection; it is something new, a new material, new colors, the new Jin, it's made in glass and very fragile, almost translucent in its beauty and the content that the artist has put in this work. He wants to touch it, but holds himself back, because it looks like it can be destroyed so easily, but Kazuya knows that this impression is deceptive, because Jin prefers very stable materials, he makes his work, durable, constant and unshakable.
This sculpture is very touching. So simple and so deep, just like a heart that will beat forever, just for him. “Eternal.”
Kazuya feels like running to find Jin immediately and to throw in his face everything he is thinking about this absolutely crazy man, and after he will kiss him, because he has missed Jin, too much.
“Are you leaving already?”
The sudden voice nearby startles him, and Kazuya turns to see Yamashita. What does he mean by that look? He doesn’t have his usual smile plastered on, more than anything he looks displeased.
“I am.”
“You don’t even want to talk with Jin?!” Yamashita can’t hide the indignation in his voice.
“I don’t see him here, so maybe he has already left, Jin feels uncomfortable in places like this …” Kazuya freezes when he realizes what he wants to say at the end of that sentence.
“Uncomfortable without you, right? And you knew it and still, I don’t understand you, I don’t understand you at all. Is that so easy for you? Just tell me, is that normal for you to throw everything away and have a brand new life? For you to be reborn, have your very own solo renaissance, while Jin is so desperate and lonely? I don’t understand you?!”
There is something touching in Yamashita's righteous anger, so much that Kazuya can’t help himself, and needs to tease the man.
“I wonder why is it normal for you to stick your nose into my business, somewhere it absolutely does not belong?” Kazuya raises an eyebrow, with a questioning look.
“I’m the owner of the gallery. I feel invested.” He says it calmly, while looking around and checking that no one else heard the strange outburst from the cool and composed Yamashita Tomohisa.
“So maybe you will tell me then. Where I can find Jin?”
“He is smoking out on the balcony, the door on the right behind the curtains.”
“Thank you.”
~
Jin is here, right in front of his eyes, with snowflakes stuck in his hair that is tied back in a ponytail now. His hair is longer now and Jin is looking thinner.
It seems like he can feel someone is looking at him, he turns around slowly, like in those silly old romantic movies or maybe it’s only for Kazuya that everything is happening in slow motion, because he missed him, so much, missed everything about him. He wants to know everything, about his days, his mornings, his evenings and his nights, about every moment while they were apart, because Kazuya was so stupid and only now when he is looking at Jin does he understand, and perfectly, that it was him at fault, only Kazuya.
When had he become so blind to Jin’s feelings, to Jin’s words, because everything is so obvious now in those dark eyes, in the dark circles under his eyes, in the pale face.
Kazuya wanted to know that Jin was suffering without him, that thought made him feel better in the moments when he couldn’t fall asleep, thinking about the time they spent together. Now, seeing the traces of Jin’s loneliness and sufferings, Kazuya feels so guilty, so very guilty and it hurts, because Jin like this is heartbreaking, because Kazuya wants him to smile and to be happy, because no matter what he loves him, always did and always will, because the career and the other world means nothing, because a lot of years ago it was his choice and he will do it again and again, without any hesitation.
“Kazuya?” his voice is hoarse and the smile is shy, like he is not sure if it’s for real, so disarming, and so childish, like Kazuya will run away any second.
“Why haven’t you called me even once?!” Kazuya clenches his fist, almost painfully, observing how Jin looks down at the ground, at his own feet, so like Jin, so irritating.
“You left your phone.”
“So what? You should just try and find me!” His voice sounds firm, while he is breaking apart inside, watching this impossible man, who will never call for him and he doesn’t need his words now to know why, because it’s Jin and they can always understand each other without words, even if for a moment Kazuya lost himself, in his own pathetic thoughts and confusion, lost his way, and his path, and it was so useless and futile.
“I thought you didn't want me to find you.” Jin takes a step, the snowflakes are falling and his nose is red, because it’s cold and Jin only has a shirt, no jacket, and he looks good, except not that shirt with those shoes … Kazuya takes a deep breath.
“So that’s great, you decided just to be alone for your whole life, lonely and full of such depressed emotions that you will hollow out the poor marble and then make only fragile sculptures with eternal promises?!”
Jin brushes the snowflakes from Kazuya hair, his eyes are shining with the tenderness that always was there, waiting for Kazuya, welcoming him.
“I missed you,” he says softly and Kazuya echoes his words.
“I missed you too.”
“I love you, Kazuya.”
Kazuya’s words are like an echo, the reflection of the same feelings, of the same thoughts, of the same pain and yearning.
“I love you too.”
Kazuya caresses gently Jin’s cheek, his skin cold and wet from the snow, pushing his fingers into a messy ponytail and searching for those lips, that are craving for the same, after waiting for so long, just too feel the familiar warmth.
“Don’t ever leave me again.”
The whisper and Kazuya wraps his arms around the person he loves so much, embracing him and answering him in a whisper for only the two of them to hear.
“I won’t, never.”
It’s snowing, and behind the door and thin curtain a lot of people are observing the masterpieces, the ones that belong to a different artist, and they are absolutely oblivious to the two men on the balcony, who are still kissing with snowflakes falling about them. The two of them are in the world that they created for each other, where they exist only two people are really important: Kazuya and Jin and they are happy.
~Tomohisa~
Yamashita Tomohisa is a man who cares about his reputation, but looking through the glass door at the lovers reunion, he feels strangely touched and too emotionally invested, but now he knows, that this is the right way, this is exactly how things must be; and if someone by accident notices the pair on the balcony, well a little scandal never gave any harm to an art gallery, and any publicity is good publicity, if you don’t know.
He feels little bit embarrassed by his earlier outburst and the words he threw at Kamenashi, but he doesn’t regret it at all. In war, all means are good, well not really, and not saying that this is a war, but for love people should fight for it, especially for such a deep and strong feeling, one that connect them too and Tomohisa cannot not be involved.
Life in their building returns to the usual order, Kamenashi still is very busy, always rushing somewhere with his papers, but now he also has his work talking about the Renaissance, sometimes he stops by to tease Tomohisa, and later Tomohisa must admit, he does that perfectly. Sometimes they come over for dinner or even invite him for a nice evening together with a nice bottle of wine, because Kamenashi has a nice wine collection.
The gallery is prospering with new artists that are happy to be discovered by Tomohisa and the exhibitions that make a good name for the owner.
Tomohisa is enjoying his life, his work and just about every minute, but he must admit, that after his neighbors are living in an almost idyllic romantic relationship, he sometimes feels bored.
It even moves him to fight with Nishikido-san about the lighting for the exhibitions sometimes. After one of their now usual heated discussions about the color of the curtains near Nishikido-san’s painting, Tomohisa is walking around the gallery, looking around and checking the atmosphere, when he notices a man near Akansihi’s pieces.
“I just don’t understand.” He hears the man repeating it to himself.
“Maybe I can help you?” Tomohisa offers politely with his best smile, observing the attractive man.
“I’m trying to understand. What does this sculpture mean? I don’t … I can't see what it means ..” He sighs deeply, looking so hopeless, that Tomohisa feels sorry for him.
The last item in the new Akanishi exhibition is very memorable, after a long time being separated from his Muse, he felt doubly inspired and enjoyed imprinting the different sides of his muse into the marble, sometimes using a new method, sometimes being very naturalistic and always shameless with his titles and with the contents of his pieces.
“Aphrodisiac.” With all the curves and lines that remind the viewer of a suspiciously interesting part of the body, and it was different when you knew the particular person, one that Tomohisa meets regularly at his home, who is always busy and has those sneaky jokes …
The man is still waiting for him to reply.
“I think this is an embodiment of one of the sculptor’s fantasies. The influence of the Muse is what gave him the inspiration.”
Tomohisa can be proud of himself; he made it sound almost innocent. The man looks impressed, that is nice also.
“You know so much about the inspiration and the sculpture, I am almost jealous because for me it just looks like someone’s back and nothing else and I wonder why a sculptor decides to make it like that. Of everything to choose from, why choose that?”
It's a fair question, if only this back wasn’t so tempting, and not just to Tomohisa because so many visitors to the gallery adore this sculpture and already he has received many offers for this piece, but Akanishi refuses to sell it.
“I think this is a special trait of modern art and the specific outlook of the artist, who is … different.”
“Yes, I guess.” The stranger nods, and then smiles as he takes out a business card. “I forget to introduce myself, my name is Kato Shigeaki. I’m a writer.”
They exchange cards.
“Yamashita Tomohisa, I’m the owner of this gallery. So, Shigeaki-san, are you writing about modern art?”
“No, I prefer the Renaissance epoch. Kamenashi-san recommended that I visit this gallery, he said it could help me to understand how inspiration works for sculptures.”
“I see. I think I can help you with that. I am rather well acquainted with how a sculptor needs his Muse to find inspiration.”
Tomohisa says it with a charming smile, and invites his new friend to have lunch, where they can talk about artists and their muses. Tomohisa thinks that he will have a nice meal and maybe life will not be so boring after all.
Kato Shigeaki.
Very interesting.
Maybe … just maybe it wasn't only sculptors that needed a Muse for inspiration. Could novelists use a Muse as well?
Poll Team AU Prompt 2