Team AU, prompt 2: I am an elite person; part 1/2
Title: Masterpiece (part 1)
Pairing/Group: Akame / KAT-TUN, Yamapi, Shige
Rating: R
Warnings: none
Summary: When Yamashita meets Kamenashi he is reminded of an old song and realises that, honestly it can’t be fun to always be the chosen one.
Notes: The title belongs to Madonna with her song “Masterpiece”
I love my wonderful beta! Thank you a lot for your advices and help! Many thanks to the people who supported me during every step of writing this fic and to the mods for their patience :3
~Tomohisa~
The best achievement of Yamashita Tomohisa's life, without any doubt, is his owning Art Gallery, which is located in Roppongi. That wasn't the dream he had held all of his life, to have a place that is so popular in particular artistic circles and showcased the best pieces of contemporary art. Not at all and certainly not from the beginning, back when he was a young man, who had just finished his degree at a prestigious American University and returned to Japan on the top of the world. That just happened, and Tomohisa always was a man who accepted whatever happened in his life while he looked for advantages and bright sides.
His friends and even family often tell him that he is a very down to earth person, and they know he wants this gallery because it makes good money. At these moments, however, on Tomohisa lips appear a mysterious smile, (he was sure this smile looks exactly like the one Mona Lisa has). He is a dreamer and he has big dreams that no one else will ever fully understand and believe. Of course the money part is great and very useful, but the feeling of new discoveries that he can make at this gallery, the time spent searching for new names and talents, all that prevails over the income. Maybe some uncommon name will appear with a great masterpiece and it will be he, Tomohisa, who will help mankind to acknowledge this piece of art, to understand its greatness.
In short, Tomohisa has ambitions and he knows how to play the game perfectly, to choose those artists who are happy to exhibit their art in his gallery and how he, as the owner, feels when all the amazing masterpieces pass through his hands. Maybe he can blame his ego for this, but Tomohisa believes that every successful man should have large goals and dreams, and should work to see them come true. No sand castles, only ones that can be built through hard work and opportunity.
Tomohisa pushed the main door of the gallery open, and reflexively threw a charming smile to the waiting young woman, who immediately recognized her boss and gave him an update containing all the latest information that he should know.
He was almost 25, when he realized that he had come to a turning point, one which would change everything and give some reason to his existence and pleasure to his aesthetical feelings.
Tomohisa knew the value of real art, he can feel it, can smell it. That was really difficult to explain to others, especially to his father who had big hopes for a more standard future for his son, one where he shone in the international business arena perhaps, but he has proved to his father that he can make perfectly good money selling Art, or even just showing it.
It was early and the gallery was almost empty, but in few hours it will be crowded. The long halls, with neutral walls, modern design and a nice atmosphere, everything will help people to relax and enjoy the arts, maybe buying a piece during the process. Nothing will distract the potential customers, and they will be supported by polite and attentive personnel, always ready here with a glass of expensive champagne, a smile and professional advice. He can be proud of this creation he has built with his own hands.
This evening, a party will take place here. A new star of the modern art world will appear and he, Tomohisa, will help him shine in the Japanese society and in the international arena.
He looked at the poster on the wall: “Akanishi Jin. Exhibition: Masterpiece.”
~
The gallery has become crowed. There are elegantly dressed women, some of them wearing extravagant hairstyles, because their individuality is too big to be contained and must be showed properly. Tomohisa is used to this kind of people now. The painters and artists wear extraordinary clothes that express their artistic direction. The critics and journalists are in brand new suits, and metallic glasses that frame their sharp eyes. The most valuable and important guests, in his opinion, are the potential customers. Some of them love art and appreciate the beauty and artist. Some of them know nothing about art, but are just the victims of the new century’s fashionable taste for art; they have money, so they should have some masterpiece hanging on the wall in their luxurious home.
Tomohisa has a friendly charming smile on his face, one that welcomes them all as he perfectly plays his favorite role of the lovely host.
He can hear the foreign speech around him and it sounds like music to his ears. Tomohisa has had the goal from the beginning to gain international fame for his gallery, to make it well known throughout the world. He did it, by traveling and visiting all the boring parties with these people from another world, people in love with art and people who know business and have enough money, who can make deal and spend hours and hours in negotiations, looking for new connections and new ways.
He has big hopes for this evening, after looking at the pieces of art created by this young sculptor, Tomohisa was captured. This was something new and fresh, the fusion of the styles, all the sculptures have very simple titles, deceptively simple as it was difficult to take your eyes away, simple and strong, because for example if the figure made from bronze called “First love”, when you first look at it, it’s first love right there in front of your eyes, in your heart, with all the emotions, beautiful tender lines, gentles curves, it makes Tomohisa remember his first love, and feel again the breeze from the ocean and the blue eyes that smiled at him.
Tomohisa never made mistakes, not in this business, and after looking at a few of Akanishi’s works, he was sure, that this sculptor will be successful.
Life is a funny thing, when he first saw Jin Akanishi at the meeting, where they signed the exhibition papers; he was nicely surprised, because at this unexpected meeting he discovered Akanishi was a person from his past. In high school they were classmates, not for a long period, just for a few months. Tomohisa didn’t remember all the details, just that Akanishi’s parent were also artists that travelled all the time, taking their son from one country to another, changing places and schools. The called each other by their first names back then, because for Jin it was strange to do it differently, after spending all his childhood in Europe.
He was different, always was and nothing has changed.
When Tomohisa shook his hand, saying with a smile that he is happy to see him again, Jin has a lost expression on his face. He has forgotten about those few months in high school, but he smiled back nervously. He always was a nice guy, maybe a little bit weird, but nice.
The low conversations around him continue, people are enjoying the exhibits and Tomohisa has finally found the hero of this occasion. The tall figure is dressed perfectly, his clothes are stylish and elegant, and his polished shoes are shining. He is looking exactly like a successful artist, someone who created all the pieces of art shown. He is tall and attractive, but his expression looks out of place, there is something childish in the way he is searching for someone in all these people, searching for something he doesn’t know, as if he is feeling a little lost.
“How is the evening going?” Tomohisa asks with a smile, and takes the glass with champagne from the tray of the efficient waiter.
Jin nods with a smile. ”Everything is perfect.”
“I’m glad to know.” Tomohisa chuckles, and drinks from his glass; he notices how the sculptor bites his lip, while his eyes still look somewhere out into the hall.
“Are you waiting for someone else? Because the journalists are ready and they want to ask you few questions.” Jin glances at him with a bewildered look that makes Tomohisa smile in amusement.
“This is not a test, like in high school, it's just a formality! After that we can open the party officially and enjoy the evening.”
Jin almost looks convinced. They are not friends, not really and a few months back in high school doesn’t mean anything now, but Tomohisa remembers that even back than Jin preferred to be in the shadows. He didn’t like the oral exams and refused to make a report for the history lesson; he would always stutter and get lost in his words. Tomohisa has no idea who he is looking for, but this person better be here quickly, they have only for a few minutes spare and Tomohisa likes being on time in everything.
The journalists are ready and the bright lights are now pointed at Akanishi. It's obvious that he is nervous, and Tomohisa sighs, thinking that one of the rules of an artist's success is the constant ability to make the public love you, to be friendly with journalists and meanwhile keep some mystery; people like it, that mystery in art.
"Akanishi-san, you called your exhibition “Masterpiece”, can you please explain what you mean by it?"
Good question and Tomohisa is quite curious also.
Akanishi pauses; it seems like his gaze is unfocused and he is still searching for someone behind the journalist's back, he rubs his nose nervously. Tomohisa feels sorry for the artist; it is obvious that he feels uncomfortable under the scrutinizing stares.
“What inspires me, my works … they are the part of my thoughts, part of me, this is not anything special, this is just me …”
He tries to smile, but another question comes instantly.
“Maybe you can explain the work that is the most special for you, explain what is the masterpiece in your opinion?”
There is a hidden subtext in the journalist’s words, maybe even mockery and Tomohisa can understand the reason. It’s not common for the artist to call their own work a masterpiece; it speaks against him, making him look arrogant and very proud. Tomohisa has the experience of meeting so many artists, some of them have great talents, others are absolutely useless, but what he can see perfectly is simply this. Akanishi doesn’t look like an arrogant person, in this very moment he is tense and nervous and can’t explain the mess in his own head.
“I didn’t mean everything by any particular work, I mean something absolutely different?”
“What?”
“So…”
The nice voice interrupts the awkward and almost painful moment, because this is not the perfect press conference he was waiting for, everything is going wrong and someone should have told him before now how bad Akanishi is with speaking in public.
“Akanishi-san is trying to say, that the title of his exhibition is the exhibition. Please don’t suppose that he believes he has created a set of masterpieces, he is trying to convey his emotions about the whole world around him and about the feelings that are reflected in his heart. The masterpiece is what surrounds him, not what he has made.”
Akanishi smiles and nods to every word, before he adds in the end, “The masterpiece is what inspires me, my Muse.”
That was awkward; Tomohisa looks at the crystal clear eyes of the artist, thinking that the most talented people always have some strange moments in their outlook and Akanishi Jin is not an exception. He sees his hand, it grips another man’s hand now, and no one else noticed, just him.
The next part goes smoothly; Akanishi looks relaxed and the slightly scratchy voice of the unknown man that appeared so unexpectedly, speaks about the compositions and the ideas behind them, sometimes with a nice joke and smile.
The owner of the gallery is almost dying of curiosity now about the identity of this mysterious stranger. He could think he is Akanishi's manager, but during the negotiations he met his manager, a woman with sharp eyes and beautiful legs, he remembers her well.
The journalists aren’t surprised by this turns of events, and Tomohisa attentively examines the savior of this almost catastrophic situation. He looks good, elegant and relaxed in front of the bright camera flashes, his hair is light brown and long, almost near his shoulders, his eyeglasses, white shirt and black suit and that earring, that looks out of place with that kind of clothing, but somehow gives a stylish effect to his appearance. Tomohisa can swear he sees his tongue, when the man licks his lips and smiles for the next journalist’s remark.
Tomohisa is curious and he still remembers how Akanishi's hand gripped the stranger’s palm like he was seeking help.
Interesting.
~
“Kamenashi Kazuya.”
They are shaking hands and Tomohisa feels the brush of the small palm against his bigger hand.
“Nice to meet you.”
“Likewise.”
Kamenashi Kazuya is a polite young man, with a nice smile and Jin is feeling the need to slightly touch him all the time. It seems he is doing it involuntary, maybe out of habit or the need to know he is around. Tomohisa remembers very well the panic on Akanishi’s face, when he couldn’t answer the questions under the pressure of the journalist's stare.
Very interesting.
They talk about the exhibition and how nicely the light is arranged, showing each of the works from the best angle. Some of them are made from bronze, some from marble, Akanishi likes experimenting with styles and materials and this is what makes his art so noticeable and unforgettable.
Tomohisa finds the way Akanishi found a title for each work to be ingenious, the effect somehow very simple and deep at the same time.
“I saw “The life”. It’s really amazing. I wonder who was your model? It’s a very interesting idea to show the neck with a pulse throbbing, showing blood moving in the vein, it’s so naturalistic, I look at that and wait , thinking that any second now the marble will move.”
“The marble can breathe,” Akanishi says with a smile, and puts a hand on Kamenashi’s shoulder and looks in his eyes, seeking confirmation.
“Sometimes, it can, maybe ...”Kamenashi chuckles in amusement, watching the artist.
One question bothers Tomohisa until the end of the conference.
“Jin, you said that the masterpiece is your muse, I’m really curious who was a muse for your ”Life” sculpture?”
Akanishi’s face brightens at the question and his next movement makes Tomohisa freeze. He touches Kamenashi's neck, trailing its length with a finger.
“It was Kazuya.”
For a moment Tomohisa is speechless and this state is very rare for him, he looks at the calm smile and Kamenashi’s face and just nods. The guy really has a pretty neck and now, alone with other parts of information that was given to him, he needs time to think.
Kamenashi just chuckles and smiles politely, maybe he is shy, Yamapi thinks, trying to understand what is meant by the expression on the model's face, when his boyfriend is declaring his love to the whole world through his work.
He spends the next part of the evening in observation; he feels curious looking at the couple and thinking about the Akanishi from the past. He doesn’t remember him having a girlfriend or even be interested in someone; he spent all their time on the rooftop with papers and pencils, creating something interesting and not understandable at the same time.
Tomohisa knows very well that among the artists in his world there are gays, but he never saw any that were displaying their relationships so openly, like Jin did it, feeling proud of the person near him, turning to the one who could convey his thoughts better than himself.
Tomohisa is single and with his work he could hardly find time for any serious relationships, maybe some romance here and there but nothing for very long and definitely no commitment. The looks in confirmation, the fast touches that no one else can notice and the feeling of comfort between them, that’s what he noticed during the evening.
He can understand Akanishi and his bluntness, because of his family background and the very original way of life of his parents, but Kamenashi was a mystery to him. It seems like it was impossible to read something in the polite smile on his face. He should feel flattered, being the muse and the model of the sculpture, if the exhibition is the collection of his different body parts, a collection of the way he inspires Akanishi.
It was difficult for Tomohisa himself to understand, this sudden level of curiosity and the need to put his nose in their business, or maybe he was just feeling curious about the life of his former classmate, or maybe that was just his gut feeling that made this strange urge rage inside him, he just wants to know more about them.
Because they are interesting.
~Kazuya~
Kazuya closes the door and unknots the tie at his neck, thinking about the look the gallery owner gave them when Jin had said that he is the Muse.
The Muse.
Kazuya doesn’t know if he should laugh or cry when he hears those words again and again, whether he should feel flattered or angry. Either variants take so much effort, so it's better if he feels nothing and does something more useful.
He stumbles over Jin’s shoes and sighs deeply. In the car Jin had a sudden inspiration and he couldn't wait even a second, and ran to his studio the moment they arrived at the flat, discarding his formal clothes along the way. Kazuya sets the pair of new shoes straight, the ones that he bought for Jin, in the same shop where he bought the suit and everything else, because Jin just can’t stand fashion or magazines and feel almost nauseated looking at the changing room. He's bearable only if he has some inappropriate ideas, ones that Kazuya knows he must nip in the bud after some very awkward situations.
“Jin! Are you hungry?”
Silence.
Kazuya decides to make something, because at the party there was nothing edible for him and he doesn’t like the aftertaste of the champagne, or maybe it's just that strange observing look from the owner is getting on his nerves.
“Jin! Do you know Yamashita? He talks so freely with you, like you know each other?”
Silence. When Jin is working it's as if he flies to another planet and is deaf to all the human voices and needs.
The day was too long for him, after all the troubles with transferring the boxes and making this new flat livable. Suddenly, Jin just wanted to change their place, because he needed a studio full of light and Kazuya managed to find this one. Big, comfortable, with big windows and a lot of light. Just a bit too big for two of them, but Jin didn’t care about the price, if Kazuya said it was ok, then it’s ok.
The building had security, just a few neighbors, and everything looks very attractive, which fitted Kazuya likes. They need isolation to feel comfortable. That’s what Kazuya thought.
Now sitting at the table meant for two persons and eating his dinner alone, looking at the free space, where Jin should be right now, he isn’t sure anymore what is comfortable for him. Today was really a big day for Jin, his exhibition; he was waiting for so long and was so nervous, that he couldn't even talk properly. Kazuya was glad he got there in time, Jin had forgotten his cigarettes in the car and he was there to fetch them.
He thought about Jin’s warm eyes, when he looks at him at the exhibition, about the hand that holds his tight. It is already seven years they have been together, exactly seven years from the day Jin kissed him in front of the whole University, telling him that he loves him and will always love him. Kazuya covers his face in embarrassment, even if he is alone in the kitchen and is just thinking about that day. Jin can be so painfully honest sometimes, so full of romantic rubbish, feelings that made Kazuya’s heart skip a bit back then.
This feeling and Jin’s confession can be very rare and sudden, but they always make Kazuya remember why they are together and what makes him love Jin so much, to the point of forgetting about everything else.
Everything.
His nonexistent career, his own dreams long forgotten and his family that will never accept their relationship. Kazuya has just Jin in the world, and today is their anniversary; seven years they have been together. He can hear the even sound of Jin’s instruments, the sound of marble being hollowed to transform it into something different, something that means a lot to Jin, and something that is as perfect as Kazuya for him.
Perfect.
Kazuya decides that for this big occasion, he should open a bottle of wine to celebrate.
“Happy anniversary, Jin.” He speaks to the empty place near him, and sips the wine in the empty kitchen, while in another room the next masterpiece is being created.
~
When Kazuya wakes up, Jin is sleeping nearby, just very close to him, with his heavy hand at Kazuya’s waist and the traces of dust from the studio on his nose. He looks cute when he sleeps like this, but it would be better if he took a bath after his work. The smell of dust and marble has become part of Kazuya's life. It is Jin, with his big smile, comfortable clothes at home and wild hair, looking at him like no one before did.
That was the reason, why Kazuya fell in love and that was the reason behind his doubt that bothers him, from day to day, again and again.
Kazuya carefully slips away from the bed, trying not to wake Jin up. He has a long list of things he should do and maybe it will distract him from his thoughts, just a little bit.
He finds the sculpture on the table, near one of the Jin’s favorite works, one that he refused to show at the exhibition, no matter what Kazuya told him and how hard he insisted, because this work was beautiful, truly amazing.
Kazuya touches with just fingertips the chilly surface of the marble, the soft lines and perfect shape, so many memories, this was first work, the first that Jin made for Kame, the first one. It is called “Confession”, because seven years ago, Jin said that he loves Kame through this sculpture.
That was so unexpected and confusing for Kazuya, because sometimes he has no idea what Jin is trying to say with his actions. Sometimes Jin is confusing and he hurts him and forgets about their anniversary. Kazuya sighs, sometimes because of his work it seems like Jin forgets about Kazuya also, too deep in his work and in his own world.
Sometimes Kazuya thinks that he just has too much free time himself, too much time to do all this stupid self-absorbed reflecting, he doesn’t know if he should feel offended that Jin forget about everything or maybe he shouldn’t because this is Jin, his Jin and they know each other too well and for too long to start doubting their feelings for each other. Kazuya repeats it too himself, preparing his breakfast and looking at the city from the big panoramic windows.
That was Jin’s “Confession”. To say so many absolutely embarrassing and wild words, that left him speechless and amazed, because Jin was brave enough to open his heart and be with Kazuya, for years, every day, hand in hand.
Kazuya has no right to doubt Jin, and he should not doubt himself either, he is the Akanishi’s Muse after all.
After breakfast he looks at his notebook, checks the long list of things he should do. Kazuya likes it when everything is in order, whereas Jin’s life was always just too messy, the same as his studio, his clothes, his hair and sometimes his thoughts, and Kazuya can’t deal with a mess. He like putting everything in its own place, where it belongs, his own life before he met Jin was scheduled in ten years into the future, his career, his work, maybe relationships sometimes. Jin crushed everything about that, not that Kazuya objected, melting in the beams of their new love and adoration, even if sometimes he feels uneasy. It’s not like Kazuya has low self-esteem, it's just sometimes he wonders what Jin sees when he looks at him that way, like Kazuya is everything, like Kazuya is special, like Kazuya is the masterpiece.
Jin is absolutely crazy.
So first, he must pay the rent and he wants to introduce himself to the owner. The flat is luxurious, and the owner lives in the same home, so Kazuya prefers to have made connections if tomorrow some problems will appear, such as if the neighbors will find them inappropriate, that Jin is maybe working too loud and too late.
Kazuya leaves the flat, the halls are big and bright, with big windows overlooking decorative trees, everything is designed to make people feel comfortable and welcomed, although the best alarm system available means that their security is also high level.
“Kamenashi-san?” He hears the voice and turns around to meet the owner of the gallery, who looks very surprised.
“Yamashita-san?”
The other man comes closer with a friendly smile and they shake hands. This friendly smile, all the time plastered on his face, somehow look suspicious, Kazuya thinks, as if he tries too hard to be nice and friendly and he tries to understand why. It seems Yamashita is a perceptive man, who can read the atmosphere perfectly and he is not smiling anymore, not so bright and wide as just a few seconds ago.
“What are you doing here?”
“I’m living here; we rented a flat here just a few days ago.”
“So you are my new neighbors? That is really such a wonderful coincidence! I’m very happy to have such nice company.”
It seems that the fact that Kazuya is living together with Jin doesn’t bother him at all. Kazuya decides not to answer his enthusiasm for having “such a nice company”, Jin is always working and Kazuya has better things to do, than talk with neighbors, as if he ever talks with them at all.
“I want to pay our rent, and am searching for the office of the owner here ...”
Yamashita has a wide smile on his face again.
“There is not any office at all. I’m the owner and you can talk perfectly easily with me about anything that bothers you here.”
“I thought you work with art?”
“I’m working with everything and anything that makes me good money.”
Kazuya can’t help himself and starts laughing, maybe he just had preconceived ideas about Yamashita, and he doesn’t really know anything about the man and judging him just from a few looks, well that is not fair.
“So I think I can talk with you if other neighbors will come with complaints about Jin's work? He has no stable hours and his inspiration is too wild to tame.”
The pause, because they both in the same moment think about Jin’s words' Kazuya was sure of that as he looks at the man’s careful eyes.
“Don’t worry about it; your flat has the best sound isolation, so he can work and create other masterpieces and you are always near to provide him with inspiration.”
So he knows perfectly well where they are living and as the owner he should know the name of the people who rent the flat, what was with all his surprised expression before? Or maybe he is working as an actor part-time? Kazuya smiles nicely, reflecting the smile on Yamashita’s lips. That man is interesting, without doubt and slightly getting on his nerves with his odd behavior.
“Jin hasn’t changed at all has he? He's still the same from the days we were in high-school?” Yamashita says with a nostalgic tone in his voice. Now it is Kazuya’s turn to feel surprised.
“High-school?”
“You don’t know? We went in the same high-school, maybe Jin just forget to tell you ...”
Yamashita talks some more about their time in high-school, and then mentions the good fitness-center near the apartment. Kazuya thinks that he hasn't talked with Jin at all after the exhibition, not even a word, maybe that’s the reason why he didn’t tell him, and maybe this is the reason he forgot about their anniversary. Looking at the man in front of him, who talks to him so enthusiastically, Kazuya asks himself with a touch of anguish, when was the last time he talks with Jin, just two of them? It seems he can only listen to the even sound coming from the studio all the time.
Kazuya closes the door with a thud. Silence welcomes him in their big flat. The door to the bedroom is open and Jin must still be sleeping. He has so many things to do, like sort all the bills and take care of the unanswered mails, and read the new offers. After the exhibition their inbox is full, full with congratulations, greetings and wishes to have a successful opening and maybe some critical opinions. Kazuya wants to sort everything, so he can show Jin what is really important and hide what might hurt him. It’s not like Jin can’t stand criticism, but some remarks make him depressed, because he realizes that sometimes people understand his art differently and not in the way he wanted them.
Jin can be very vulnerable when it comes to his work and Kazuya wants to protect him, because a sad Jin is almost unbearable for Kazuya’s heart, the corner of his full lips turned down and his look is so unfocused while he plays with his lover’s hair. These moments are precious in their own way, but still, it’s heartbreaking.
Kazuya looks at the photo in some newspaper articles, ones with Jin’s smile on the front page, and the article talks about a young successful sculptor that has his own vision and wants to create masterpieces, to show how his world is wonderful. The next magazine has the big red letters: “Talented or arrogant? Akanishi Jin presented his masterpieces.”
Kazuya sighs heavily putting that magazine in the trash, some people just can’t understand Jin, and he has a difficult time trying to explain himself, feeling lost and hopeless, like yesterday at the conference, like years ago at Kazuya’s parents’ house.
Jin can be so childish and naïve sometimes, just painfully centered on himself. Kazuya closes the laptop, thinking that the only thing he is doing today is trying to find excuses for Jin’s behavior lately.
It’s not like Jin had changed just today, he always was like this, too deep in his work to notice his surroundings, but Kazuya has never felt so neglected before and, in reality, he is not sure if he should feel it now.
The door in the studio is closed and Kazuya enter the big messy room with Jin's instruments, special materials, and some half ready works. Two times per week the cleaner will come to clean the flat, but Kazuya doubts Jin will let anyone enter his sanctuary.
Just a few hours and Kazuya is done with everything, papers sorted, letters answered, the studio is ready and the groceries are in the fridge, dinner is also ready and he sits on the couch waiting for the baseball match to start.
He poured some more of yesterday’s wine into a glass with a tall stem. This wine is special, Kazuya has bought it for a special occasion, but it seems he will drink it alone.
He looks around at the big room with expensive furniture and a big TV screen. Maybe he should buy a dog? When he was in high-school he had one, he remembers how the dog's tail wagged, waiting for a caress or food, how it welcomed him after school, but Kazuya knows that a dog will disturb Jin in his work and maybe it’s not a good idea after all.
Heavy footsteps and the sleepy man with a messy dark hair appear from the bedroom.
“Good morning,” Jin says hoarsely and Kazuya can’t help but chuckle.
“It’s evening already.”
“I’m hungry.”
“Dinner is ready. Just take a shower first.”
The traces from the materials on Jin's face are still there, some are even stuck in his hair, he looks funny and cozy, and for a moment Kazuya feels like he’s home.
Jin has already closed the bathroom door, when Kazuya answers the phone’s invitation.
The nice voice at the other end introduces himself.
“This is Yamashita speaking, Kamenashi-san. I will be happy to invite you both to have dinner with me, I think we can have a nice time and I would like to discuss the next stage of the exhibition.”
Kamenashi replaces the phone and considers which suit he will prepare for Jin, because he trusts Yamashita to choose a fancy restaurant. He hums as he heads to the cloakroom in anticipation of a nice evening, one not spent at home.
~Tomohisa~
The idea is very random and maybe Tomohisa just doesn’t like the idea of spending the evening alone, because it’s not entertaining and because the meeting this afternoon was too long and boring. Some moments of his work he prefers to avoid, but he can’t and the long negotiation meeting is one of them, in that list also are holidays at his parental house, because every time they try to find a good wife for him. Tomohisa doesn’t like to be restricted and even if the girl will be attractive and nice he will refuse to meet her again, just because it was his mother who chose her. Tomohisa is used to make his own decisions now.
He throws a last look at the mirror, checking the new shirt and his hairstyle; feeling absolutely satisfied with review and leaves his room.
He looks curiously at his new neighbors door, thinking it wouldn’t be too much effort to offer them a ride, because they are going together to the same place, because he feels like inviting them and because Kamenashi surely doesn’t like him yet and Yamashita finds it absolutely entertaining.
In the end he leaves the building alone, thinking that pushing too much too soon won’t make anything good happen, sometimes his friendliness is interpreted differently, as if he is just sticking his nose everywhere. He just wants to have a good evening, not observe the relationship of his neighbors too closely, but he is so curious and he has nothing better to do and Jin’s words don’t let go of him.
Kamenashi is a Muse, it's interesting what is so special about him, what Jin sees that makes Jin create his art.
Tomohisa decides to buy one of them for his apartment, maybe the sculpture with lips? That will look good in his bedroom near the Dali’s reproduction, he thinks.
~
Tomohisa likes this restaurant; it has a good menu, very professional staff and light music, and it's easy to feel relaxed and the separate rooms are available for VIP guest, just like them. He introduces Kamenashi and Akanishi to the couple invited to dine with them.
Nakamaru Yuichi and his wife Mariko. This man is a very important person in the world of art criticism. With just a few lines he could ruin the career of a newcomer. Nakamaru-san liked the exhibition and after his article he wanted to meet the sculptor to express his delight.
“Your pieces are wonderful and I must admit, your style is very fresh and new, nowadays people are thinking about art differently, sometimes creating only for the art market without thinking how valuable the real art is. The lines, the compositions, I checked your choice of materials and I’m very impressed by the quality.”
Nakamaru-san can’t hide how impressed and almost stunned he is after having seen the exhibition, and Tomohisa watches with a smile as the happy expression grows on Akanishi’s face. It won’t be a surprise if he even blushes, so flattered he looks, but Tomohisa thinks ironically that the man is too tanned and it will be impossible to see him blushing, otherwise he could be like a heroine in a scene from some old romance book, the kind that his mom likes reading.
He catches Kamenashi’s suspicious look a few times and thinks with amusement that Akanishi’s muse is very careful with his words, the brown eyes look at him heavily through the expensive brand frame of his glasses, like he knows perfectly that Yamashita enjoys his observations, feeling like a director of the circus where his trained monkeys are jumping just as he wants.
Tomohisa chuckles at his own thoughts, not really listening to Nakamaru’s long tirade about how expensive marble is nowadays and how important it is to have a good supplier.
“I don’t really know anything about my supplier, it’s Kazuya who takes care of everything, and he is like a magic wand for me,” Akanishi says with a small smile at the corner of his lips, looking so deeply in love, that Tomohisa throw a fast look at Kamenashi to check his reaction. To his disappointment, the “magic wand” just smiles with the same unreadable expression on his face.
“I can understand it; every artist needs a good helper, because the art is not just the result but also the hard work behind the curtain that no one really sees,” Nakamaru says thoughtfully and Tomohisa admires the ability of this serious man to find such exact words.
He wants to know everything about the “work going on behind the curtain” and mostly he wants to know how the Muse feels about being almost partitioned for the public, when their relationship is so exposed.
He sees the challenge in the dark hazel eyes of Akanishi’s boyfriend and he accepts it; maybe it’s easy for Kamenashi to read him, but he wants the same. To know how it feels, when you are the item of perfection for the artist, who doesn’t feel shy to shout about it, is that a moment of happiness or punishment to be trapped in a marble or bronze work of art?
Tomohisa follow the conversation absentmindedly and decides to pay attention when the expression on Kamenashi’s face changes, just for a second, but enough for him to notice.
“My wife is my cruelest critic,” said Nakamaru with a smile, “we discuss my work over and over again and her opinions are always very professional, no matter that she prefers growing flowers to following art.”
Nakamaru-san’s wife laughs melodically. “I’m trying to be helpful to my husband, because he is so attached to his work, that sometimes I feel he married his work instead of me.”
They laugh and Kamenashi regains composure, and it seems like Akanishi is absolutely oblivious to the little storm occurring near him.
“What about you Yamashita-san, when will you introduce us to your life-partner who will share with you your burden along your life-path?” Tomohisa snorts, thinking that Nakamaru-san sometimes talks like he is writing another review for his journal.
“I don’t feel like sharing at all, I prefer to keep everything in my own hands.” He tries to make a joke in reply and looks as a wide smile grown on Akanishi’s face. When Jin puts his hand over Kamenashi’s palm, so calmly and naturally that Tomohisa wonders for a second; if that is what they mean by having a life-partner and walking together along the life-path, and for a second this idea becomes very tempting and then, he remembers about the long divorce-process of his friend, the one who spoke of the same things once, and now the poor guy prefers to drink strong alcohol and write music.
Tomohisa is perfectly satisfied with his life so far, but looking at such warm relationships, he thinks that maybe this is what it means to be complete, to feel the other person near, to have his hand in yours and to immortalize this love in the art. To finish the sentence for your partner and know exactly what he is trying to say even if he can’t form it himself, to read each other by little details, to understand without words, because what he sees seems beautiful to him.
If once he will be lucky enough to find such a person in his life, maybe he will talk this romantic rubbish like Akanishi does now, who knows?
Tomohisa decides to join the conversation, he was the one that invited them after all and as the relaxing atmosphere develops they can talk about the possibilities of a new contribution, he has no doubts that Nakamaru-san will write a long and very complimentary article, but Akanishi deserve it after all, the guy has a talent for art.
The next days and weeks were so busy that Tomohisa rarely had time to exchange more than a few words with his neighbors. The new piece of art is standing in his bedroom now, it name is “Temptation” and has Akanishi’s signature on it and Kamenashi’s lips.
He likes sitting there before sleep takes him, just looking at his sculpture, trying to understand what Akanishi felt while he was creating it; he can see the fire and blood, the softness and invitation. The magic of an artist who is in love and can talk through his works, it may sound strange, but Yamashita understands very well the language of this art, the warmth that spreads inside, the lines and the words that are unspoken, but make you feel it's strength.
Akanishi Jin lives like a hermit, barely leaving his flat or maybe it's better to say he almost never leaves it at all, as he is too busy with his work and lives without any need to be touched by the world around, as if he created his own world inside the four walls of his home, full of light.
Tomohisa often sees Kamenashi, however, who is always busy and running somewhere, with letters at the post office, with papers to pay all the bills, receiving different deliveries, that must be the special material needed for Jin’s work, sometimes he sees him walking near the artificial lake that was the part of the complex near the building. Always alone, always busy and always with furrowed eyebrows, like he is feeling the weight of the observation and likes it not at all, he is always polite, but he never stops to exchange more than the usual words that are necessary to stay polite.
It is an accident that they meet at the café nearby and Tomohisa doesn’t want to miss this opportunity and invites Kamenashi for a cup of the coffee, it seems like the other man hesitates at first, looking at his watch like he is in hurry, but then he accepts the invitation and Yamashita can swear he see a flash of his tongue, when he licks his lips, and it reminds him about the sculpture in his bedroom.
“I hope you are feeling comfortable in your flat that one is the biggest in the complex and I’m glad to know it was you and Jin who rent it.”
Kamenashi nods, thanking him for his concern and assuring him that they are feeling very comfortable.
“How is Jin? I’ve rarely seen him; I suppose he is too preoccupied with his work?”
Yamashita asks with curiosity, observing the other man, who embraces the mug with a coffee with his palms, as if seeking for more warmth, he had looked so relaxed just before the question.
“Jin … he is working a lot lately, something like a sudden inspiration that is too difficult to handle strikes and he doesn't leave his studio except for sleep, he barely remembers that he needs food sometimes.”
“And you are there to take care about details such as not letting him die from starvation?” Tomohisa raised an eyebrow in amusement. Kamenashi chuckles, and looks at his hands.
“Something like that, Jin can be absolutely hopeless, like a child and I’m trying to be always near.”
He throws another brief look at his watch.
“I remember him at high school, he always was different, not really understanding the rules and living at his own pace,” Tomohisa says thoughtfully, wondering if he can ask a few questions and not make the man freak out. He doesn’t want to be impolite, he just wants to satisfy his curiosity.
“I think he hasn’t changes a bit,” adds Kamenashi with a half-smile, looking out the window, where people are passing by, everyone too busy with their own lives to notice.
“How did you find each other?”
Tomohisa suddenly blurts out and realizes with vexation, that he doesn’t want to sound so strangely interested, it would be better be to ask how they met, but in his head it sounded perfectly logical.
He doesn’t know Akanishi and Kamenashi well enough, but what he sees between them makes him want to believe in all the sappy words from the old dusty books and from the songs that play on the radio in the evening, that always are about the same thing but just speak differently.
Maybe in this world full of irony and artificial smiles, there does exist this weird feeling that people call love. Even the mere thought of it make him feel embarrassed and he is happy the man with the suspicious look in front of him can’t read it, maybe that was a part of Tomohisa the dreamer, who always wanted to believe in feelings that elevated people, that gave them wings, that made them feel complete.
He still remembers the beautiful piece “First Love”, if one is able to convey such a strong emotion to another, isn’t it miraculous? Tomohisa wants to cover his face, because of this strange feeling that takes over him like waves. Maybe he was alone for too long and this couple gave him this small hope, that one day he will find someone who will make him happy, who will love every part of him.
It seems that Kamenashi is too deep in his thoughts now; oblivious to what is happening in his fellow coffee drinker’s mind.
“It was Tokyo University of Art, we both studied art there,” he says finally.
“So you are a sculptor also?”
Kamenashi waves his small palms dismissively.
“No, I’m not at all, I can barely draw and I'm afraid the marble will only suffer from my clumsy hands and ideas. I was studying the history of Art. I always was in love with this wonderful atmosphere of being surrounded by art and see how it’s created, I love to see how Art changes over the years. Human’s feelings are the same still, but they convey it differently. It’s fascinating.”
He was smiling, and now looks distant, like he suddenly remembers the days from the past, and he talks with such passion, with his eyes shining, and a smile plays on those lips.
“We met each other and I was taken aback but Jin, he was just everywhere, sometimes too much for me to handle, with his energy and this talent. He keeps telling me, that I’m …’
Kamenashi pauses and it seems like he was so deep in his thoughts that he forgets that he must be careful in showing his feeling.
This.
Yamashita understands what seems so difficult for this man before for him to express, Kamenashi all the time tries to suppress his feelings and his emotions, like something is holding him back, not letting him be open, or maybe the opposite was true, he was so exposed thanks to Jin, that he wants to keep something safe, just for himself.
“He keeps telling me that you are his muse.”
Kamenashi smiles, but not with his eyes, they are dead serious.
“Yes, and after he received a proposition of apprenticeship in Italy, he refused to go.”
“Why? That is such a chance, for his career and for improving his skills!”
“Jin has aerophobia. I don’t really know what happened, because he told me that he travelled abroad with his parents a lot, but now he just can’t make that step onto a plane. After he refused to go, we started living together.”
Kamenashi shrugs, sipping from his mug.
“I see.”
Tomohisa thinks about Akanishi and his behavior at the exhibition, apart from the awkward moment during the conference it seemed that person enjoyed his life and it's almost impossible to think that with just looking at him that maybe once he gave up on a dream. He looks so happy and satisfied, always holding Kamenashi’s hand, like it will show him the way forward. Anywhere. Always.
“That must be very hard time for him,” Yamashita says with sympathy.
“Not at all, I think I was more upset than he was. Jin just closed himself in his studio and made another sculpture, he calls it 'Together'.”
Yamashita remembers this bronze sculpture perfectly, the entwined fingers with a thread, that has a slightly different color and decorated those hands like a heart, very simple and very warm, like in those hands that are so connected a special bond appears, one that will never separate them.
Akanishi is really a very interesting and original person, even his way of dealing with life choices, maybe he wasn’t so upset back then, because he gained something more important, something better.
Tomohisa looks again at the fingers around the warm coffee mug; he just wonders did Kamenashi understand the meaning behind this work as well as he did?
~Kazuya~
Kazuya pushes the door of the flat open, cursing at himself for his own behavior, what was wrong with him? He suddenly made all these frank confessions to a near stranger and this Yamashita is a sneaky guy, who knows very well how to catch off guarded with all his questions.
Kazuya must admit though that he had a nice time, talking, a change of surroundings, not being alone. He looks at the door to the bedroom, still closed; so Jin is sleeping. That must be unfair from Kazuya’s side to think that way, because Jin is always near and technically he is not alone, just something strange is going on with him lately, maybe he should blame himself that he feels a bit flat, that life looks sometimes so empty, almost like a desert, maybe the memories from the days they met cloud his mind and he can’t be reasonable? Kazuya doesn’t know.
This silence is killing him, this vacuum, doesn’t let him breathe, he almost can feel how it crushes around his neck, suffocating him.
Lately talking with Jin is like talking with a stranger, someone who doesn’t speak your language, they can hear each other, but barely understand. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to move here? He can’t actually fathom it, what’s wrong with them both, when it started, he just hopes this feeling will go away and everything will return to its usual place again.
With every passing day Kazuya keep thinking about his life at University, about his life before Jin, with his big family around, with his own goals and with his own dreams. Back then it was so natural, to follow Jin and be near him, helping and using his knowledge while searching for the materials, keeping things in order and feeling Jin near, all the time, every second.
What has changed?
It’s so difficult to understand, maybe he just grew up or maybe he just feels extremely lonely, it's not that he has no friends at all, but he barely remembers talking to or seeing some of them lately, they all have their lives and career, and Kazuya just has Jin. Jin, who is too much, Jin who is different and with his incomprehensible behavior, so blunt, so honest, that he scared almost all of Kazuya’s friend away. He remembers their stares and whispers, they patted his shoulder with affection, telling him that in a world where Kazuya and Jin exist anyone else will just be unnecessary. So why after 7 years of being together is Kazuya feeling himself to be unnecessary? Or maybe is just again being so unfair to Jin, who loves him, because he did before and still does, right?
“Hey ...” The hoarse voice and the velvet eyes that are looking so tenderly at him. “Good morning.”
Kazuya looks away, answering with a sigh.
“It’s evening already.”
“I’m hungry.”
Kazuya stands up from the couch, comes closer and embraces Jin around the waist.
“Maybe we can go and have a dinner somewhere else, not at home today? What do you think? I find such a nice place nearby that could be fun?”
Jin is warm and soft, so familiar and so close, like always, like before. Jin holds him closer, looking with his special way, the one that makes all thoughts disappear, leaving only the feeling of the butterflies with their fluttering wings in his stomach, like it always was, like it is, because it’s Jin.
Kazuya sometimes can’t understand himself, when Jin is near, holding him, kissing him, how all thoughts evaporate and he could just melt in the embrace, in kisses, in feelings of euphoria, bathing in the beams of his gaze, but when the door of the studio closes behind Jin’s back all the colors change around to something gray and gloomy, cold and alien.
Jin bends closer and seals their lips, soft, tenderly, enveloping them with sensations, making Kazuya stop thinking, throwing everything that bothers him away. He feels needy and desperate, and answers the kiss deeply.
He wants to feel it again, to forget about any doubts, to forget about regrets that should never have a place in their relationship, to forget about those past dreams, that now appear in the daylight or in an empty room, when he is alone with himself, to forget about the strange warm feeling when he opens up to a total stranger, just because he feels lonely. How can he be lonely if Jin is here?
Kazuya puts his fingers in disheveled thick hair, listens to Jin’s shallow breathing after the kiss, pushes him back to the bedroom. Jin's eyes are shining in that special way, when he is waiting and giving himself wholly to Kazuya, with his body and his soul, whispering embarrassing words of love, telling him how he loves everything about his lover, playing with light-brown soft locks, touching the tender sensitive skin at Kazuya’s neck and kissing the place where just a second ago his fingers touched. Kazuya is melting, like everything is disappearing and only this voice exists, this heat and this desire that he can’t control and doesn’t want to control.
The brown velvet eyes, that are half closed, but they are still looking at him, not letting go even for a second, Kazuya knows, that Jin likes seeing him, every expression on his face, the way he bites his lower lip, trying to suppress his moans, just because, without reason. No one can hear them.
Jin’s fingers are long and slender, sometimes too rough because of his instruments that make the skin of his palm coarse, and while he is holding Kazuya’s shoulders, caressing every curve and line, slowly, sometimes gripping, sometimes stroking, sometimes it’s just too much.
Kazuya is kissing him again and again, with every caress, with every thrust, with all his love, nothing is important anymore, just the voice near his ear, the beloved person in his hands and this feeling that is filling him with warmth and light, because this is Jin, his Jin and they love each other.
They both are breathless and spent, with hands and legs entwined, without any desire to let go, Kazuya hears the soft whisper, before he falls asleep.
“You are perfect.”
~
When Kazuya opens his eyes he is alone in the bed and Jin is gone, the even sound from the studio tells where Jin is now, working. He falls asleep in Jin’s arms, listening to all his foolish words, without even realizing himself how those words hurt sometimes, because in the end he is alone.
“I’m not perfect, Jin. I’m not at all.”
Sometimes, in the moments when Kazuya is sitting on the big couch, just looking at TV, having everything done already, he looks at Jin’s sculptures. They are beautiful, they are amazing and just looking makes him feel a tightness in his chest, because he doesn't understand. He tries, he really tries so many times, but it seems futile for him, it’s beyond his comprehension.
What Jin is seeing when he looks at Kazuya, what kind of fantasy he created for himself, what kind of phantom, because this is not Kazuya, it can’t be him. Maybe he sometimes models for Jin’s works but he is nothing in comparison to them.
That’s not that Kazuya thinks lowly of himself, he always knew that he is attractive, but he is just an ordinary guy, who even hasn’t any serious goal in his life, he has no successful career, he hasn’t done anything special at all, nothing.
The fear that is sitting deep in Kazuya’s chest that makes him wake up during the nights in a cold sweat, that one day Jin will understand that Kazuya is not what he thinks he is, that he isn’t his ideal, he's something that he created in his dusty studio, or the product of his imaginations with all these traits, ones that Kazuya doesn’t have.
Because he doesn’t.
That hurts.
~
Kazuya decides that he can find something useful to entertain himself, while Jin is full of determination and is not leaving his studio at all, just for sleep. The plate with something tasty for him to eat is always fresh and warm, waiting there prepared and Kazuya puts everything near the door, because Jin doesn’t like to be interrupted and Kazuya doubts that even if he will open the door, the sculptor will even notice him, he will be to engrossed in his work.
Jin is not an ordinary human being, he is an artist, a person of art, he has his own rhythm of life and this fact can’t be helped.
Kazuya opens the box with a new arrived purchase, this time they are books for him, some theory and new art direction, analyses of modern art, and a few albums with reproductions. With Jin’s business that he must take care of, he absolutely forget to follow what is new in the art world, absolutely falling away from the reality of a world he once knew so well.
He adjusts the glasses on his nose and starts reading with his pencil, sometimes making remarks. He remembers how back in University, his professor told him that he can have a bright future in writing articles, researching the field he feels most interested in, because Kazuya has a special ability, from tones of information he can quickly grasp what is really important.
That's what his professor used to say, sometimes Kazuya helped with research for the writers from the Literature faculty, when they needed extra special information; it was very enjoyable and fun. He thought about travelling around the world back then, one thing is to see pictures and another to see everything with his own eyes, but he has never left Japan in his life and he doubts he ever will. The sudden sound of his ringtone startles Kazuya from his thoughts, he spends few seconds trying to understand where under all the papers his phone is located, and when he answers the voice on the other end of the line makes him freeze.
“Hello, Kazuya.”
He is silent for a moment trying to understand what could have happened that she decided to call him, she still has his phone number, it makes him feel warmer.
“Mom?”
Her voice is soft and a little bit fussy, he is sure she is fidgeting in her place while talking with him, maybe feelings as nervous as he is now.
“How are you doing, Kazuya? Is everything ok with you?”
He misses her voice and the smell of her perfume, maybe she hasn’t changed at all through the years, because as long as he remembers she has always smelled like vanilla and lemon, so homey.
“I am. I’m, absolutely. How are you?”
He wants to ask about his father, if he still hates him as much as he did or maybe after these years something has changed, but he bite his tongue, suppressing the words, because with a person such as his father nothing is changing even in years.
“I’m fine, dear. I want to wish you a Happy Birthday and I hope I’m not distracting you from something important.”
Kazuya stills, trying to think about how it's even possible that with all this strange anxiety he absolutely forget about his own birthday. Maybe because it was Jin who always remembers about that date, making little sweet surprises with a sheepish smile on his face.
“Thank you, I’m happy that you are calling me, I hope it’s ok,”
He looks at the floor feeling so shamed, he really hopes it’s ok and his father won’t be mad. On that day almost seven years ago, he father voiced out very clearly his opinion about his son’s future and about his life style, he hasn’t been in touch with them for all this years, sometimes receiving calls from his brothers, who did it behind their father's back.
“He is still mad, Kazuya.”
He swallowed, thinking how his fingers burned against Kazuya’s cheek. Jin was there too, with him, painfully honest about his feelings so that enraged his father even more.
Kazuya can’t change his past, but this call makes him incredibly happy, he hadn't realized before he heard her voice, how much he misses them all, his home, the noise, the jokes, the smiles, just everything.
“I know.”
The pause, when he can hear her breathing and maybe hesitating to ask.
“Are you still living with this man?”
Kazuya exhales.
“Yes, mom, I am. I’m living with Jin.”
The silence and he can hear how she sighs.
“I love you, dear.”
“I love you too, thank you for your wishes.”
The phone beeps as the call disconnects and Kazuya still clutches the phone in his trembling hands, feeling how the world is spinning around him and he feels lost, so lost, that he feels like crying, but he never did before and he doubts it’s so easy to make tears run from his eyes, he just can’t. Only the pain, the suffocating pain in his chest, it's like a hole that is getting bigger and bigger with every moment.
He needs Jin, just to be near him, right now, because he is desperate, because he is breaking apart.
Kazuya pushes the door in a studio, looks at Jin, who is concentrating on the piece of cold soulless marble he is working with. He hasn’t notice that the door is open and someone else is here, he is too deep in his own world, the one when there is no place for Kazuya.
Seven years is a lot and maybe they just grew apart? What is Jin seeing, looking with such affection and caressing gently the surface of this stone? Why does he forget about things that were important for him before, why does he forget about Kazuya?
The awful idea crosses Kazuya’s mind at that moment. He wonders if Jin will even notice if Kazuya will disappear, will it make any difference for him? With growing horror he understands that he doesn’t know the answer to this question.
When Kazuya writes at the words on the white paper, his hands are trembling and the letters are jumping. He takes the suitcase and closes the door with a thud, the short note resting on the table. He doubts Jin will read it at all, so what the sense of writing more.
I’m leaving.
Part 2
Pairing/Group: Akame / KAT-TUN, Yamapi, Shige
Rating: R
Warnings: none
Summary: When Yamashita meets Kamenashi he is reminded of an old song and realises that, honestly it can’t be fun to always be the chosen one.
Notes: The title belongs to Madonna with her song “Masterpiece”
I love my wonderful beta! Thank you a lot for your advices and help! Many thanks to the people who supported me during every step of writing this fic and to the mods for their patience :3
~Tomohisa~
The best achievement of Yamashita Tomohisa's life, without any doubt, is his owning Art Gallery, which is located in Roppongi. That wasn't the dream he had held all of his life, to have a place that is so popular in particular artistic circles and showcased the best pieces of contemporary art. Not at all and certainly not from the beginning, back when he was a young man, who had just finished his degree at a prestigious American University and returned to Japan on the top of the world. That just happened, and Tomohisa always was a man who accepted whatever happened in his life while he looked for advantages and bright sides.
His friends and even family often tell him that he is a very down to earth person, and they know he wants this gallery because it makes good money. At these moments, however, on Tomohisa lips appear a mysterious smile, (he was sure this smile looks exactly like the one Mona Lisa has). He is a dreamer and he has big dreams that no one else will ever fully understand and believe. Of course the money part is great and very useful, but the feeling of new discoveries that he can make at this gallery, the time spent searching for new names and talents, all that prevails over the income. Maybe some uncommon name will appear with a great masterpiece and it will be he, Tomohisa, who will help mankind to acknowledge this piece of art, to understand its greatness.
In short, Tomohisa has ambitions and he knows how to play the game perfectly, to choose those artists who are happy to exhibit their art in his gallery and how he, as the owner, feels when all the amazing masterpieces pass through his hands. Maybe he can blame his ego for this, but Tomohisa believes that every successful man should have large goals and dreams, and should work to see them come true. No sand castles, only ones that can be built through hard work and opportunity.
Tomohisa pushed the main door of the gallery open, and reflexively threw a charming smile to the waiting young woman, who immediately recognized her boss and gave him an update containing all the latest information that he should know.
He was almost 25, when he realized that he had come to a turning point, one which would change everything and give some reason to his existence and pleasure to his aesthetical feelings.
Tomohisa knew the value of real art, he can feel it, can smell it. That was really difficult to explain to others, especially to his father who had big hopes for a more standard future for his son, one where he shone in the international business arena perhaps, but he has proved to his father that he can make perfectly good money selling Art, or even just showing it.
It was early and the gallery was almost empty, but in few hours it will be crowded. The long halls, with neutral walls, modern design and a nice atmosphere, everything will help people to relax and enjoy the arts, maybe buying a piece during the process. Nothing will distract the potential customers, and they will be supported by polite and attentive personnel, always ready here with a glass of expensive champagne, a smile and professional advice. He can be proud of this creation he has built with his own hands.
This evening, a party will take place here. A new star of the modern art world will appear and he, Tomohisa, will help him shine in the Japanese society and in the international arena.
He looked at the poster on the wall: “Akanishi Jin. Exhibition: Masterpiece.”
~
The gallery has become crowed. There are elegantly dressed women, some of them wearing extravagant hairstyles, because their individuality is too big to be contained and must be showed properly. Tomohisa is used to this kind of people now. The painters and artists wear extraordinary clothes that express their artistic direction. The critics and journalists are in brand new suits, and metallic glasses that frame their sharp eyes. The most valuable and important guests, in his opinion, are the potential customers. Some of them love art and appreciate the beauty and artist. Some of them know nothing about art, but are just the victims of the new century’s fashionable taste for art; they have money, so they should have some masterpiece hanging on the wall in their luxurious home.
Tomohisa has a friendly charming smile on his face, one that welcomes them all as he perfectly plays his favorite role of the lovely host.
He can hear the foreign speech around him and it sounds like music to his ears. Tomohisa has had the goal from the beginning to gain international fame for his gallery, to make it well known throughout the world. He did it, by traveling and visiting all the boring parties with these people from another world, people in love with art and people who know business and have enough money, who can make deal and spend hours and hours in negotiations, looking for new connections and new ways.
He has big hopes for this evening, after looking at the pieces of art created by this young sculptor, Tomohisa was captured. This was something new and fresh, the fusion of the styles, all the sculptures have very simple titles, deceptively simple as it was difficult to take your eyes away, simple and strong, because for example if the figure made from bronze called “First love”, when you first look at it, it’s first love right there in front of your eyes, in your heart, with all the emotions, beautiful tender lines, gentles curves, it makes Tomohisa remember his first love, and feel again the breeze from the ocean and the blue eyes that smiled at him.
Tomohisa never made mistakes, not in this business, and after looking at a few of Akanishi’s works, he was sure, that this sculptor will be successful.
Life is a funny thing, when he first saw Jin Akanishi at the meeting, where they signed the exhibition papers; he was nicely surprised, because at this unexpected meeting he discovered Akanishi was a person from his past. In high school they were classmates, not for a long period, just for a few months. Tomohisa didn’t remember all the details, just that Akanishi’s parent were also artists that travelled all the time, taking their son from one country to another, changing places and schools. The called each other by their first names back then, because for Jin it was strange to do it differently, after spending all his childhood in Europe.
He was different, always was and nothing has changed.
When Tomohisa shook his hand, saying with a smile that he is happy to see him again, Jin has a lost expression on his face. He has forgotten about those few months in high school, but he smiled back nervously. He always was a nice guy, maybe a little bit weird, but nice.
The low conversations around him continue, people are enjoying the exhibits and Tomohisa has finally found the hero of this occasion. The tall figure is dressed perfectly, his clothes are stylish and elegant, and his polished shoes are shining. He is looking exactly like a successful artist, someone who created all the pieces of art shown. He is tall and attractive, but his expression looks out of place, there is something childish in the way he is searching for someone in all these people, searching for something he doesn’t know, as if he is feeling a little lost.
“How is the evening going?” Tomohisa asks with a smile, and takes the glass with champagne from the tray of the efficient waiter.
Jin nods with a smile. ”Everything is perfect.”
“I’m glad to know.” Tomohisa chuckles, and drinks from his glass; he notices how the sculptor bites his lip, while his eyes still look somewhere out into the hall.
“Are you waiting for someone else? Because the journalists are ready and they want to ask you few questions.” Jin glances at him with a bewildered look that makes Tomohisa smile in amusement.
“This is not a test, like in high school, it's just a formality! After that we can open the party officially and enjoy the evening.”
Jin almost looks convinced. They are not friends, not really and a few months back in high school doesn’t mean anything now, but Tomohisa remembers that even back than Jin preferred to be in the shadows. He didn’t like the oral exams and refused to make a report for the history lesson; he would always stutter and get lost in his words. Tomohisa has no idea who he is looking for, but this person better be here quickly, they have only for a few minutes spare and Tomohisa likes being on time in everything.
The journalists are ready and the bright lights are now pointed at Akanishi. It's obvious that he is nervous, and Tomohisa sighs, thinking that one of the rules of an artist's success is the constant ability to make the public love you, to be friendly with journalists and meanwhile keep some mystery; people like it, that mystery in art.
"Akanishi-san, you called your exhibition “Masterpiece”, can you please explain what you mean by it?"
Good question and Tomohisa is quite curious also.
Akanishi pauses; it seems like his gaze is unfocused and he is still searching for someone behind the journalist's back, he rubs his nose nervously. Tomohisa feels sorry for the artist; it is obvious that he feels uncomfortable under the scrutinizing stares.
“What inspires me, my works … they are the part of my thoughts, part of me, this is not anything special, this is just me …”
He tries to smile, but another question comes instantly.
“Maybe you can explain the work that is the most special for you, explain what is the masterpiece in your opinion?”
There is a hidden subtext in the journalist’s words, maybe even mockery and Tomohisa can understand the reason. It’s not common for the artist to call their own work a masterpiece; it speaks against him, making him look arrogant and very proud. Tomohisa has the experience of meeting so many artists, some of them have great talents, others are absolutely useless, but what he can see perfectly is simply this. Akanishi doesn’t look like an arrogant person, in this very moment he is tense and nervous and can’t explain the mess in his own head.
“I didn’t mean everything by any particular work, I mean something absolutely different?”
“What?”
“So…”
The nice voice interrupts the awkward and almost painful moment, because this is not the perfect press conference he was waiting for, everything is going wrong and someone should have told him before now how bad Akanishi is with speaking in public.
“Akanishi-san is trying to say, that the title of his exhibition is the exhibition. Please don’t suppose that he believes he has created a set of masterpieces, he is trying to convey his emotions about the whole world around him and about the feelings that are reflected in his heart. The masterpiece is what surrounds him, not what he has made.”
Akanishi smiles and nods to every word, before he adds in the end, “The masterpiece is what inspires me, my Muse.”
That was awkward; Tomohisa looks at the crystal clear eyes of the artist, thinking that the most talented people always have some strange moments in their outlook and Akanishi Jin is not an exception. He sees his hand, it grips another man’s hand now, and no one else noticed, just him.
The next part goes smoothly; Akanishi looks relaxed and the slightly scratchy voice of the unknown man that appeared so unexpectedly, speaks about the compositions and the ideas behind them, sometimes with a nice joke and smile.
The owner of the gallery is almost dying of curiosity now about the identity of this mysterious stranger. He could think he is Akanishi's manager, but during the negotiations he met his manager, a woman with sharp eyes and beautiful legs, he remembers her well.
The journalists aren’t surprised by this turns of events, and Tomohisa attentively examines the savior of this almost catastrophic situation. He looks good, elegant and relaxed in front of the bright camera flashes, his hair is light brown and long, almost near his shoulders, his eyeglasses, white shirt and black suit and that earring, that looks out of place with that kind of clothing, but somehow gives a stylish effect to his appearance. Tomohisa can swear he sees his tongue, when the man licks his lips and smiles for the next journalist’s remark.
Tomohisa is curious and he still remembers how Akanishi's hand gripped the stranger’s palm like he was seeking help.
Interesting.
~
“Kamenashi Kazuya.”
They are shaking hands and Tomohisa feels the brush of the small palm against his bigger hand.
“Nice to meet you.”
“Likewise.”
Kamenashi Kazuya is a polite young man, with a nice smile and Jin is feeling the need to slightly touch him all the time. It seems he is doing it involuntary, maybe out of habit or the need to know he is around. Tomohisa remembers very well the panic on Akanishi’s face, when he couldn’t answer the questions under the pressure of the journalist's stare.
Very interesting.
They talk about the exhibition and how nicely the light is arranged, showing each of the works from the best angle. Some of them are made from bronze, some from marble, Akanishi likes experimenting with styles and materials and this is what makes his art so noticeable and unforgettable.
Tomohisa finds the way Akanishi found a title for each work to be ingenious, the effect somehow very simple and deep at the same time.
“I saw “The life”. It’s really amazing. I wonder who was your model? It’s a very interesting idea to show the neck with a pulse throbbing, showing blood moving in the vein, it’s so naturalistic, I look at that and wait , thinking that any second now the marble will move.”
“The marble can breathe,” Akanishi says with a smile, and puts a hand on Kamenashi’s shoulder and looks in his eyes, seeking confirmation.
“Sometimes, it can, maybe ...”Kamenashi chuckles in amusement, watching the artist.
One question bothers Tomohisa until the end of the conference.
“Jin, you said that the masterpiece is your muse, I’m really curious who was a muse for your ”Life” sculpture?”
Akanishi’s face brightens at the question and his next movement makes Tomohisa freeze. He touches Kamenashi's neck, trailing its length with a finger.
“It was Kazuya.”
For a moment Tomohisa is speechless and this state is very rare for him, he looks at the calm smile and Kamenashi’s face and just nods. The guy really has a pretty neck and now, alone with other parts of information that was given to him, he needs time to think.
Kamenashi just chuckles and smiles politely, maybe he is shy, Yamapi thinks, trying to understand what is meant by the expression on the model's face, when his boyfriend is declaring his love to the whole world through his work.
He spends the next part of the evening in observation; he feels curious looking at the couple and thinking about the Akanishi from the past. He doesn’t remember him having a girlfriend or even be interested in someone; he spent all their time on the rooftop with papers and pencils, creating something interesting and not understandable at the same time.
Tomohisa knows very well that among the artists in his world there are gays, but he never saw any that were displaying their relationships so openly, like Jin did it, feeling proud of the person near him, turning to the one who could convey his thoughts better than himself.
Tomohisa is single and with his work he could hardly find time for any serious relationships, maybe some romance here and there but nothing for very long and definitely no commitment. The looks in confirmation, the fast touches that no one else can notice and the feeling of comfort between them, that’s what he noticed during the evening.
He can understand Akanishi and his bluntness, because of his family background and the very original way of life of his parents, but Kamenashi was a mystery to him. It seems like it was impossible to read something in the polite smile on his face. He should feel flattered, being the muse and the model of the sculpture, if the exhibition is the collection of his different body parts, a collection of the way he inspires Akanishi.
It was difficult for Tomohisa himself to understand, this sudden level of curiosity and the need to put his nose in their business, or maybe he was just feeling curious about the life of his former classmate, or maybe that was just his gut feeling that made this strange urge rage inside him, he just wants to know more about them.
Because they are interesting.
~Kazuya~
Kazuya closes the door and unknots the tie at his neck, thinking about the look the gallery owner gave them when Jin had said that he is the Muse.
The Muse.
Kazuya doesn’t know if he should laugh or cry when he hears those words again and again, whether he should feel flattered or angry. Either variants take so much effort, so it's better if he feels nothing and does something more useful.
He stumbles over Jin’s shoes and sighs deeply. In the car Jin had a sudden inspiration and he couldn't wait even a second, and ran to his studio the moment they arrived at the flat, discarding his formal clothes along the way. Kazuya sets the pair of new shoes straight, the ones that he bought for Jin, in the same shop where he bought the suit and everything else, because Jin just can’t stand fashion or magazines and feel almost nauseated looking at the changing room. He's bearable only if he has some inappropriate ideas, ones that Kazuya knows he must nip in the bud after some very awkward situations.
“Jin! Are you hungry?”
Silence.
Kazuya decides to make something, because at the party there was nothing edible for him and he doesn’t like the aftertaste of the champagne, or maybe it's just that strange observing look from the owner is getting on his nerves.
“Jin! Do you know Yamashita? He talks so freely with you, like you know each other?”
Silence. When Jin is working it's as if he flies to another planet and is deaf to all the human voices and needs.
The day was too long for him, after all the troubles with transferring the boxes and making this new flat livable. Suddenly, Jin just wanted to change their place, because he needed a studio full of light and Kazuya managed to find this one. Big, comfortable, with big windows and a lot of light. Just a bit too big for two of them, but Jin didn’t care about the price, if Kazuya said it was ok, then it’s ok.
The building had security, just a few neighbors, and everything looks very attractive, which fitted Kazuya likes. They need isolation to feel comfortable. That’s what Kazuya thought.
Now sitting at the table meant for two persons and eating his dinner alone, looking at the free space, where Jin should be right now, he isn’t sure anymore what is comfortable for him. Today was really a big day for Jin, his exhibition; he was waiting for so long and was so nervous, that he couldn't even talk properly. Kazuya was glad he got there in time, Jin had forgotten his cigarettes in the car and he was there to fetch them.
He thought about Jin’s warm eyes, when he looks at him at the exhibition, about the hand that holds his tight. It is already seven years they have been together, exactly seven years from the day Jin kissed him in front of the whole University, telling him that he loves him and will always love him. Kazuya covers his face in embarrassment, even if he is alone in the kitchen and is just thinking about that day. Jin can be so painfully honest sometimes, so full of romantic rubbish, feelings that made Kazuya’s heart skip a bit back then.
This feeling and Jin’s confession can be very rare and sudden, but they always make Kazuya remember why they are together and what makes him love Jin so much, to the point of forgetting about everything else.
Everything.
His nonexistent career, his own dreams long forgotten and his family that will never accept their relationship. Kazuya has just Jin in the world, and today is their anniversary; seven years they have been together. He can hear the even sound of Jin’s instruments, the sound of marble being hollowed to transform it into something different, something that means a lot to Jin, and something that is as perfect as Kazuya for him.
Perfect.
Kazuya decides that for this big occasion, he should open a bottle of wine to celebrate.
“Happy anniversary, Jin.” He speaks to the empty place near him, and sips the wine in the empty kitchen, while in another room the next masterpiece is being created.
~
When Kazuya wakes up, Jin is sleeping nearby, just very close to him, with his heavy hand at Kazuya’s waist and the traces of dust from the studio on his nose. He looks cute when he sleeps like this, but it would be better if he took a bath after his work. The smell of dust and marble has become part of Kazuya's life. It is Jin, with his big smile, comfortable clothes at home and wild hair, looking at him like no one before did.
That was the reason, why Kazuya fell in love and that was the reason behind his doubt that bothers him, from day to day, again and again.
Kazuya carefully slips away from the bed, trying not to wake Jin up. He has a long list of things he should do and maybe it will distract him from his thoughts, just a little bit.
He finds the sculpture on the table, near one of the Jin’s favorite works, one that he refused to show at the exhibition, no matter what Kazuya told him and how hard he insisted, because this work was beautiful, truly amazing.
Kazuya touches with just fingertips the chilly surface of the marble, the soft lines and perfect shape, so many memories, this was first work, the first that Jin made for Kame, the first one. It is called “Confession”, because seven years ago, Jin said that he loves Kame through this sculpture.
That was so unexpected and confusing for Kazuya, because sometimes he has no idea what Jin is trying to say with his actions. Sometimes Jin is confusing and he hurts him and forgets about their anniversary. Kazuya sighs, sometimes because of his work it seems like Jin forgets about Kazuya also, too deep in his work and in his own world.
Sometimes Kazuya thinks that he just has too much free time himself, too much time to do all this stupid self-absorbed reflecting, he doesn’t know if he should feel offended that Jin forget about everything or maybe he shouldn’t because this is Jin, his Jin and they know each other too well and for too long to start doubting their feelings for each other. Kazuya repeats it too himself, preparing his breakfast and looking at the city from the big panoramic windows.
That was Jin’s “Confession”. To say so many absolutely embarrassing and wild words, that left him speechless and amazed, because Jin was brave enough to open his heart and be with Kazuya, for years, every day, hand in hand.
Kazuya has no right to doubt Jin, and he should not doubt himself either, he is the Akanishi’s Muse after all.
After breakfast he looks at his notebook, checks the long list of things he should do. Kazuya likes it when everything is in order, whereas Jin’s life was always just too messy, the same as his studio, his clothes, his hair and sometimes his thoughts, and Kazuya can’t deal with a mess. He like putting everything in its own place, where it belongs, his own life before he met Jin was scheduled in ten years into the future, his career, his work, maybe relationships sometimes. Jin crushed everything about that, not that Kazuya objected, melting in the beams of their new love and adoration, even if sometimes he feels uneasy. It’s not like Kazuya has low self-esteem, it's just sometimes he wonders what Jin sees when he looks at him that way, like Kazuya is everything, like Kazuya is special, like Kazuya is the masterpiece.
Jin is absolutely crazy.
So first, he must pay the rent and he wants to introduce himself to the owner. The flat is luxurious, and the owner lives in the same home, so Kazuya prefers to have made connections if tomorrow some problems will appear, such as if the neighbors will find them inappropriate, that Jin is maybe working too loud and too late.
Kazuya leaves the flat, the halls are big and bright, with big windows overlooking decorative trees, everything is designed to make people feel comfortable and welcomed, although the best alarm system available means that their security is also high level.
“Kamenashi-san?” He hears the voice and turns around to meet the owner of the gallery, who looks very surprised.
“Yamashita-san?”
The other man comes closer with a friendly smile and they shake hands. This friendly smile, all the time plastered on his face, somehow look suspicious, Kazuya thinks, as if he tries too hard to be nice and friendly and he tries to understand why. It seems Yamashita is a perceptive man, who can read the atmosphere perfectly and he is not smiling anymore, not so bright and wide as just a few seconds ago.
“What are you doing here?”
“I’m living here; we rented a flat here just a few days ago.”
“So you are my new neighbors? That is really such a wonderful coincidence! I’m very happy to have such nice company.”
It seems that the fact that Kazuya is living together with Jin doesn’t bother him at all. Kazuya decides not to answer his enthusiasm for having “such a nice company”, Jin is always working and Kazuya has better things to do, than talk with neighbors, as if he ever talks with them at all.
“I want to pay our rent, and am searching for the office of the owner here ...”
Yamashita has a wide smile on his face again.
“There is not any office at all. I’m the owner and you can talk perfectly easily with me about anything that bothers you here.”
“I thought you work with art?”
“I’m working with everything and anything that makes me good money.”
Kazuya can’t help himself and starts laughing, maybe he just had preconceived ideas about Yamashita, and he doesn’t really know anything about the man and judging him just from a few looks, well that is not fair.
“So I think I can talk with you if other neighbors will come with complaints about Jin's work? He has no stable hours and his inspiration is too wild to tame.”
The pause, because they both in the same moment think about Jin’s words' Kazuya was sure of that as he looks at the man’s careful eyes.
“Don’t worry about it; your flat has the best sound isolation, so he can work and create other masterpieces and you are always near to provide him with inspiration.”
So he knows perfectly well where they are living and as the owner he should know the name of the people who rent the flat, what was with all his surprised expression before? Or maybe he is working as an actor part-time? Kazuya smiles nicely, reflecting the smile on Yamashita’s lips. That man is interesting, without doubt and slightly getting on his nerves with his odd behavior.
“Jin hasn’t changed at all has he? He's still the same from the days we were in high-school?” Yamashita says with a nostalgic tone in his voice. Now it is Kazuya’s turn to feel surprised.
“High-school?”
“You don’t know? We went in the same high-school, maybe Jin just forget to tell you ...”
Yamashita talks some more about their time in high-school, and then mentions the good fitness-center near the apartment. Kazuya thinks that he hasn't talked with Jin at all after the exhibition, not even a word, maybe that’s the reason why he didn’t tell him, and maybe this is the reason he forgot about their anniversary. Looking at the man in front of him, who talks to him so enthusiastically, Kazuya asks himself with a touch of anguish, when was the last time he talks with Jin, just two of them? It seems he can only listen to the even sound coming from the studio all the time.
Kazuya closes the door with a thud. Silence welcomes him in their big flat. The door to the bedroom is open and Jin must still be sleeping. He has so many things to do, like sort all the bills and take care of the unanswered mails, and read the new offers. After the exhibition their inbox is full, full with congratulations, greetings and wishes to have a successful opening and maybe some critical opinions. Kazuya wants to sort everything, so he can show Jin what is really important and hide what might hurt him. It’s not like Jin can’t stand criticism, but some remarks make him depressed, because he realizes that sometimes people understand his art differently and not in the way he wanted them.
Jin can be very vulnerable when it comes to his work and Kazuya wants to protect him, because a sad Jin is almost unbearable for Kazuya’s heart, the corner of his full lips turned down and his look is so unfocused while he plays with his lover’s hair. These moments are precious in their own way, but still, it’s heartbreaking.
Kazuya looks at the photo in some newspaper articles, ones with Jin’s smile on the front page, and the article talks about a young successful sculptor that has his own vision and wants to create masterpieces, to show how his world is wonderful. The next magazine has the big red letters: “Talented or arrogant? Akanishi Jin presented his masterpieces.”
Kazuya sighs heavily putting that magazine in the trash, some people just can’t understand Jin, and he has a difficult time trying to explain himself, feeling lost and hopeless, like yesterday at the conference, like years ago at Kazuya’s parents’ house.
Jin can be so childish and naïve sometimes, just painfully centered on himself. Kazuya closes the laptop, thinking that the only thing he is doing today is trying to find excuses for Jin’s behavior lately.
It’s not like Jin had changed just today, he always was like this, too deep in his work to notice his surroundings, but Kazuya has never felt so neglected before and, in reality, he is not sure if he should feel it now.
The door in the studio is closed and Kazuya enter the big messy room with Jin's instruments, special materials, and some half ready works. Two times per week the cleaner will come to clean the flat, but Kazuya doubts Jin will let anyone enter his sanctuary.
Just a few hours and Kazuya is done with everything, papers sorted, letters answered, the studio is ready and the groceries are in the fridge, dinner is also ready and he sits on the couch waiting for the baseball match to start.
He poured some more of yesterday’s wine into a glass with a tall stem. This wine is special, Kazuya has bought it for a special occasion, but it seems he will drink it alone.
He looks around at the big room with expensive furniture and a big TV screen. Maybe he should buy a dog? When he was in high-school he had one, he remembers how the dog's tail wagged, waiting for a caress or food, how it welcomed him after school, but Kazuya knows that a dog will disturb Jin in his work and maybe it’s not a good idea after all.
Heavy footsteps and the sleepy man with a messy dark hair appear from the bedroom.
“Good morning,” Jin says hoarsely and Kazuya can’t help but chuckle.
“It’s evening already.”
“I’m hungry.”
“Dinner is ready. Just take a shower first.”
The traces from the materials on Jin's face are still there, some are even stuck in his hair, he looks funny and cozy, and for a moment Kazuya feels like he’s home.
Jin has already closed the bathroom door, when Kazuya answers the phone’s invitation.
The nice voice at the other end introduces himself.
“This is Yamashita speaking, Kamenashi-san. I will be happy to invite you both to have dinner with me, I think we can have a nice time and I would like to discuss the next stage of the exhibition.”
Kamenashi replaces the phone and considers which suit he will prepare for Jin, because he trusts Yamashita to choose a fancy restaurant. He hums as he heads to the cloakroom in anticipation of a nice evening, one not spent at home.
~Tomohisa~
The idea is very random and maybe Tomohisa just doesn’t like the idea of spending the evening alone, because it’s not entertaining and because the meeting this afternoon was too long and boring. Some moments of his work he prefers to avoid, but he can’t and the long negotiation meeting is one of them, in that list also are holidays at his parental house, because every time they try to find a good wife for him. Tomohisa doesn’t like to be restricted and even if the girl will be attractive and nice he will refuse to meet her again, just because it was his mother who chose her. Tomohisa is used to make his own decisions now.
He throws a last look at the mirror, checking the new shirt and his hairstyle; feeling absolutely satisfied with review and leaves his room.
He looks curiously at his new neighbors door, thinking it wouldn’t be too much effort to offer them a ride, because they are going together to the same place, because he feels like inviting them and because Kamenashi surely doesn’t like him yet and Yamashita finds it absolutely entertaining.
In the end he leaves the building alone, thinking that pushing too much too soon won’t make anything good happen, sometimes his friendliness is interpreted differently, as if he is just sticking his nose everywhere. He just wants to have a good evening, not observe the relationship of his neighbors too closely, but he is so curious and he has nothing better to do and Jin’s words don’t let go of him.
Kamenashi is a Muse, it's interesting what is so special about him, what Jin sees that makes Jin create his art.
Tomohisa decides to buy one of them for his apartment, maybe the sculpture with lips? That will look good in his bedroom near the Dali’s reproduction, he thinks.
~
Tomohisa likes this restaurant; it has a good menu, very professional staff and light music, and it's easy to feel relaxed and the separate rooms are available for VIP guest, just like them. He introduces Kamenashi and Akanishi to the couple invited to dine with them.
Nakamaru Yuichi and his wife Mariko. This man is a very important person in the world of art criticism. With just a few lines he could ruin the career of a newcomer. Nakamaru-san liked the exhibition and after his article he wanted to meet the sculptor to express his delight.
“Your pieces are wonderful and I must admit, your style is very fresh and new, nowadays people are thinking about art differently, sometimes creating only for the art market without thinking how valuable the real art is. The lines, the compositions, I checked your choice of materials and I’m very impressed by the quality.”
Nakamaru-san can’t hide how impressed and almost stunned he is after having seen the exhibition, and Tomohisa watches with a smile as the happy expression grows on Akanishi’s face. It won’t be a surprise if he even blushes, so flattered he looks, but Tomohisa thinks ironically that the man is too tanned and it will be impossible to see him blushing, otherwise he could be like a heroine in a scene from some old romance book, the kind that his mom likes reading.
He catches Kamenashi’s suspicious look a few times and thinks with amusement that Akanishi’s muse is very careful with his words, the brown eyes look at him heavily through the expensive brand frame of his glasses, like he knows perfectly that Yamashita enjoys his observations, feeling like a director of the circus where his trained monkeys are jumping just as he wants.
Tomohisa chuckles at his own thoughts, not really listening to Nakamaru’s long tirade about how expensive marble is nowadays and how important it is to have a good supplier.
“I don’t really know anything about my supplier, it’s Kazuya who takes care of everything, and he is like a magic wand for me,” Akanishi says with a small smile at the corner of his lips, looking so deeply in love, that Tomohisa throw a fast look at Kamenashi to check his reaction. To his disappointment, the “magic wand” just smiles with the same unreadable expression on his face.
“I can understand it; every artist needs a good helper, because the art is not just the result but also the hard work behind the curtain that no one really sees,” Nakamaru says thoughtfully and Tomohisa admires the ability of this serious man to find such exact words.
He wants to know everything about the “work going on behind the curtain” and mostly he wants to know how the Muse feels about being almost partitioned for the public, when their relationship is so exposed.
He sees the challenge in the dark hazel eyes of Akanishi’s boyfriend and he accepts it; maybe it’s easy for Kamenashi to read him, but he wants the same. To know how it feels, when you are the item of perfection for the artist, who doesn’t feel shy to shout about it, is that a moment of happiness or punishment to be trapped in a marble or bronze work of art?
Tomohisa follow the conversation absentmindedly and decides to pay attention when the expression on Kamenashi’s face changes, just for a second, but enough for him to notice.
“My wife is my cruelest critic,” said Nakamaru with a smile, “we discuss my work over and over again and her opinions are always very professional, no matter that she prefers growing flowers to following art.”
Nakamaru-san’s wife laughs melodically. “I’m trying to be helpful to my husband, because he is so attached to his work, that sometimes I feel he married his work instead of me.”
They laugh and Kamenashi regains composure, and it seems like Akanishi is absolutely oblivious to the little storm occurring near him.
“What about you Yamashita-san, when will you introduce us to your life-partner who will share with you your burden along your life-path?” Tomohisa snorts, thinking that Nakamaru-san sometimes talks like he is writing another review for his journal.
“I don’t feel like sharing at all, I prefer to keep everything in my own hands.” He tries to make a joke in reply and looks as a wide smile grown on Akanishi’s face. When Jin puts his hand over Kamenashi’s palm, so calmly and naturally that Tomohisa wonders for a second; if that is what they mean by having a life-partner and walking together along the life-path, and for a second this idea becomes very tempting and then, he remembers about the long divorce-process of his friend, the one who spoke of the same things once, and now the poor guy prefers to drink strong alcohol and write music.
Tomohisa is perfectly satisfied with his life so far, but looking at such warm relationships, he thinks that maybe this is what it means to be complete, to feel the other person near, to have his hand in yours and to immortalize this love in the art. To finish the sentence for your partner and know exactly what he is trying to say even if he can’t form it himself, to read each other by little details, to understand without words, because what he sees seems beautiful to him.
If once he will be lucky enough to find such a person in his life, maybe he will talk this romantic rubbish like Akanishi does now, who knows?
Tomohisa decides to join the conversation, he was the one that invited them after all and as the relaxing atmosphere develops they can talk about the possibilities of a new contribution, he has no doubts that Nakamaru-san will write a long and very complimentary article, but Akanishi deserve it after all, the guy has a talent for art.
The next days and weeks were so busy that Tomohisa rarely had time to exchange more than a few words with his neighbors. The new piece of art is standing in his bedroom now, it name is “Temptation” and has Akanishi’s signature on it and Kamenashi’s lips.
He likes sitting there before sleep takes him, just looking at his sculpture, trying to understand what Akanishi felt while he was creating it; he can see the fire and blood, the softness and invitation. The magic of an artist who is in love and can talk through his works, it may sound strange, but Yamashita understands very well the language of this art, the warmth that spreads inside, the lines and the words that are unspoken, but make you feel it's strength.
Akanishi Jin lives like a hermit, barely leaving his flat or maybe it's better to say he almost never leaves it at all, as he is too busy with his work and lives without any need to be touched by the world around, as if he created his own world inside the four walls of his home, full of light.
Tomohisa often sees Kamenashi, however, who is always busy and running somewhere, with letters at the post office, with papers to pay all the bills, receiving different deliveries, that must be the special material needed for Jin’s work, sometimes he sees him walking near the artificial lake that was the part of the complex near the building. Always alone, always busy and always with furrowed eyebrows, like he is feeling the weight of the observation and likes it not at all, he is always polite, but he never stops to exchange more than the usual words that are necessary to stay polite.
It is an accident that they meet at the café nearby and Tomohisa doesn’t want to miss this opportunity and invites Kamenashi for a cup of the coffee, it seems like the other man hesitates at first, looking at his watch like he is in hurry, but then he accepts the invitation and Yamashita can swear he see a flash of his tongue, when he licks his lips, and it reminds him about the sculpture in his bedroom.
“I hope you are feeling comfortable in your flat that one is the biggest in the complex and I’m glad to know it was you and Jin who rent it.”
Kamenashi nods, thanking him for his concern and assuring him that they are feeling very comfortable.
“How is Jin? I’ve rarely seen him; I suppose he is too preoccupied with his work?”
Yamashita asks with curiosity, observing the other man, who embraces the mug with a coffee with his palms, as if seeking for more warmth, he had looked so relaxed just before the question.
“Jin … he is working a lot lately, something like a sudden inspiration that is too difficult to handle strikes and he doesn't leave his studio except for sleep, he barely remembers that he needs food sometimes.”
“And you are there to take care about details such as not letting him die from starvation?” Tomohisa raised an eyebrow in amusement. Kamenashi chuckles, and looks at his hands.
“Something like that, Jin can be absolutely hopeless, like a child and I’m trying to be always near.”
He throws another brief look at his watch.
“I remember him at high school, he always was different, not really understanding the rules and living at his own pace,” Tomohisa says thoughtfully, wondering if he can ask a few questions and not make the man freak out. He doesn’t want to be impolite, he just wants to satisfy his curiosity.
“I think he hasn’t changes a bit,” adds Kamenashi with a half-smile, looking out the window, where people are passing by, everyone too busy with their own lives to notice.
“How did you find each other?”
Tomohisa suddenly blurts out and realizes with vexation, that he doesn’t want to sound so strangely interested, it would be better be to ask how they met, but in his head it sounded perfectly logical.
He doesn’t know Akanishi and Kamenashi well enough, but what he sees between them makes him want to believe in all the sappy words from the old dusty books and from the songs that play on the radio in the evening, that always are about the same thing but just speak differently.
Maybe in this world full of irony and artificial smiles, there does exist this weird feeling that people call love. Even the mere thought of it make him feel embarrassed and he is happy the man with the suspicious look in front of him can’t read it, maybe that was a part of Tomohisa the dreamer, who always wanted to believe in feelings that elevated people, that gave them wings, that made them feel complete.
He still remembers the beautiful piece “First Love”, if one is able to convey such a strong emotion to another, isn’t it miraculous? Tomohisa wants to cover his face, because of this strange feeling that takes over him like waves. Maybe he was alone for too long and this couple gave him this small hope, that one day he will find someone who will make him happy, who will love every part of him.
It seems that Kamenashi is too deep in his thoughts now; oblivious to what is happening in his fellow coffee drinker’s mind.
“It was Tokyo University of Art, we both studied art there,” he says finally.
“So you are a sculptor also?”
Kamenashi waves his small palms dismissively.
“No, I’m not at all, I can barely draw and I'm afraid the marble will only suffer from my clumsy hands and ideas. I was studying the history of Art. I always was in love with this wonderful atmosphere of being surrounded by art and see how it’s created, I love to see how Art changes over the years. Human’s feelings are the same still, but they convey it differently. It’s fascinating.”
He was smiling, and now looks distant, like he suddenly remembers the days from the past, and he talks with such passion, with his eyes shining, and a smile plays on those lips.
“We met each other and I was taken aback but Jin, he was just everywhere, sometimes too much for me to handle, with his energy and this talent. He keeps telling me, that I’m …’
Kamenashi pauses and it seems like he was so deep in his thoughts that he forgets that he must be careful in showing his feeling.
This.
Yamashita understands what seems so difficult for this man before for him to express, Kamenashi all the time tries to suppress his feelings and his emotions, like something is holding him back, not letting him be open, or maybe the opposite was true, he was so exposed thanks to Jin, that he wants to keep something safe, just for himself.
“He keeps telling me that you are his muse.”
Kamenashi smiles, but not with his eyes, they are dead serious.
“Yes, and after he received a proposition of apprenticeship in Italy, he refused to go.”
“Why? That is such a chance, for his career and for improving his skills!”
“Jin has aerophobia. I don’t really know what happened, because he told me that he travelled abroad with his parents a lot, but now he just can’t make that step onto a plane. After he refused to go, we started living together.”
Kamenashi shrugs, sipping from his mug.
“I see.”
Tomohisa thinks about Akanishi and his behavior at the exhibition, apart from the awkward moment during the conference it seemed that person enjoyed his life and it's almost impossible to think that with just looking at him that maybe once he gave up on a dream. He looks so happy and satisfied, always holding Kamenashi’s hand, like it will show him the way forward. Anywhere. Always.
“That must be very hard time for him,” Yamashita says with sympathy.
“Not at all, I think I was more upset than he was. Jin just closed himself in his studio and made another sculpture, he calls it 'Together'.”
Yamashita remembers this bronze sculpture perfectly, the entwined fingers with a thread, that has a slightly different color and decorated those hands like a heart, very simple and very warm, like in those hands that are so connected a special bond appears, one that will never separate them.
Akanishi is really a very interesting and original person, even his way of dealing with life choices, maybe he wasn’t so upset back then, because he gained something more important, something better.
Tomohisa looks again at the fingers around the warm coffee mug; he just wonders did Kamenashi understand the meaning behind this work as well as he did?
~Kazuya~
Kazuya pushes the door of the flat open, cursing at himself for his own behavior, what was wrong with him? He suddenly made all these frank confessions to a near stranger and this Yamashita is a sneaky guy, who knows very well how to catch off guarded with all his questions.
Kazuya must admit though that he had a nice time, talking, a change of surroundings, not being alone. He looks at the door to the bedroom, still closed; so Jin is sleeping. That must be unfair from Kazuya’s side to think that way, because Jin is always near and technically he is not alone, just something strange is going on with him lately, maybe he should blame himself that he feels a bit flat, that life looks sometimes so empty, almost like a desert, maybe the memories from the days they met cloud his mind and he can’t be reasonable? Kazuya doesn’t know.
This silence is killing him, this vacuum, doesn’t let him breathe, he almost can feel how it crushes around his neck, suffocating him.
Lately talking with Jin is like talking with a stranger, someone who doesn’t speak your language, they can hear each other, but barely understand. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to move here? He can’t actually fathom it, what’s wrong with them both, when it started, he just hopes this feeling will go away and everything will return to its usual place again.
With every passing day Kazuya keep thinking about his life at University, about his life before Jin, with his big family around, with his own goals and with his own dreams. Back then it was so natural, to follow Jin and be near him, helping and using his knowledge while searching for the materials, keeping things in order and feeling Jin near, all the time, every second.
What has changed?
It’s so difficult to understand, maybe he just grew up or maybe he just feels extremely lonely, it's not that he has no friends at all, but he barely remembers talking to or seeing some of them lately, they all have their lives and career, and Kazuya just has Jin. Jin, who is too much, Jin who is different and with his incomprehensible behavior, so blunt, so honest, that he scared almost all of Kazuya’s friend away. He remembers their stares and whispers, they patted his shoulder with affection, telling him that in a world where Kazuya and Jin exist anyone else will just be unnecessary. So why after 7 years of being together is Kazuya feeling himself to be unnecessary? Or maybe is just again being so unfair to Jin, who loves him, because he did before and still does, right?
“Hey ...” The hoarse voice and the velvet eyes that are looking so tenderly at him. “Good morning.”
Kazuya looks away, answering with a sigh.
“It’s evening already.”
“I’m hungry.”
Kazuya stands up from the couch, comes closer and embraces Jin around the waist.
“Maybe we can go and have a dinner somewhere else, not at home today? What do you think? I find such a nice place nearby that could be fun?”
Jin is warm and soft, so familiar and so close, like always, like before. Jin holds him closer, looking with his special way, the one that makes all thoughts disappear, leaving only the feeling of the butterflies with their fluttering wings in his stomach, like it always was, like it is, because it’s Jin.
Kazuya sometimes can’t understand himself, when Jin is near, holding him, kissing him, how all thoughts evaporate and he could just melt in the embrace, in kisses, in feelings of euphoria, bathing in the beams of his gaze, but when the door of the studio closes behind Jin’s back all the colors change around to something gray and gloomy, cold and alien.
Jin bends closer and seals their lips, soft, tenderly, enveloping them with sensations, making Kazuya stop thinking, throwing everything that bothers him away. He feels needy and desperate, and answers the kiss deeply.
He wants to feel it again, to forget about any doubts, to forget about regrets that should never have a place in their relationship, to forget about those past dreams, that now appear in the daylight or in an empty room, when he is alone with himself, to forget about the strange warm feeling when he opens up to a total stranger, just because he feels lonely. How can he be lonely if Jin is here?
Kazuya puts his fingers in disheveled thick hair, listens to Jin’s shallow breathing after the kiss, pushes him back to the bedroom. Jin's eyes are shining in that special way, when he is waiting and giving himself wholly to Kazuya, with his body and his soul, whispering embarrassing words of love, telling him how he loves everything about his lover, playing with light-brown soft locks, touching the tender sensitive skin at Kazuya’s neck and kissing the place where just a second ago his fingers touched. Kazuya is melting, like everything is disappearing and only this voice exists, this heat and this desire that he can’t control and doesn’t want to control.
The brown velvet eyes, that are half closed, but they are still looking at him, not letting go even for a second, Kazuya knows, that Jin likes seeing him, every expression on his face, the way he bites his lower lip, trying to suppress his moans, just because, without reason. No one can hear them.
Jin’s fingers are long and slender, sometimes too rough because of his instruments that make the skin of his palm coarse, and while he is holding Kazuya’s shoulders, caressing every curve and line, slowly, sometimes gripping, sometimes stroking, sometimes it’s just too much.
Kazuya is kissing him again and again, with every caress, with every thrust, with all his love, nothing is important anymore, just the voice near his ear, the beloved person in his hands and this feeling that is filling him with warmth and light, because this is Jin, his Jin and they love each other.
They both are breathless and spent, with hands and legs entwined, without any desire to let go, Kazuya hears the soft whisper, before he falls asleep.
“You are perfect.”
~
When Kazuya opens his eyes he is alone in the bed and Jin is gone, the even sound from the studio tells where Jin is now, working. He falls asleep in Jin’s arms, listening to all his foolish words, without even realizing himself how those words hurt sometimes, because in the end he is alone.
“I’m not perfect, Jin. I’m not at all.”
Sometimes, in the moments when Kazuya is sitting on the big couch, just looking at TV, having everything done already, he looks at Jin’s sculptures. They are beautiful, they are amazing and just looking makes him feel a tightness in his chest, because he doesn't understand. He tries, he really tries so many times, but it seems futile for him, it’s beyond his comprehension.
What Jin is seeing when he looks at Kazuya, what kind of fantasy he created for himself, what kind of phantom, because this is not Kazuya, it can’t be him. Maybe he sometimes models for Jin’s works but he is nothing in comparison to them.
That’s not that Kazuya thinks lowly of himself, he always knew that he is attractive, but he is just an ordinary guy, who even hasn’t any serious goal in his life, he has no successful career, he hasn’t done anything special at all, nothing.
The fear that is sitting deep in Kazuya’s chest that makes him wake up during the nights in a cold sweat, that one day Jin will understand that Kazuya is not what he thinks he is, that he isn’t his ideal, he's something that he created in his dusty studio, or the product of his imaginations with all these traits, ones that Kazuya doesn’t have.
Because he doesn’t.
That hurts.
~
Kazuya decides that he can find something useful to entertain himself, while Jin is full of determination and is not leaving his studio at all, just for sleep. The plate with something tasty for him to eat is always fresh and warm, waiting there prepared and Kazuya puts everything near the door, because Jin doesn’t like to be interrupted and Kazuya doubts that even if he will open the door, the sculptor will even notice him, he will be to engrossed in his work.
Jin is not an ordinary human being, he is an artist, a person of art, he has his own rhythm of life and this fact can’t be helped.
Kazuya opens the box with a new arrived purchase, this time they are books for him, some theory and new art direction, analyses of modern art, and a few albums with reproductions. With Jin’s business that he must take care of, he absolutely forget to follow what is new in the art world, absolutely falling away from the reality of a world he once knew so well.
He adjusts the glasses on his nose and starts reading with his pencil, sometimes making remarks. He remembers how back in University, his professor told him that he can have a bright future in writing articles, researching the field he feels most interested in, because Kazuya has a special ability, from tones of information he can quickly grasp what is really important.
That's what his professor used to say, sometimes Kazuya helped with research for the writers from the Literature faculty, when they needed extra special information; it was very enjoyable and fun. He thought about travelling around the world back then, one thing is to see pictures and another to see everything with his own eyes, but he has never left Japan in his life and he doubts he ever will. The sudden sound of his ringtone startles Kazuya from his thoughts, he spends few seconds trying to understand where under all the papers his phone is located, and when he answers the voice on the other end of the line makes him freeze.
“Hello, Kazuya.”
He is silent for a moment trying to understand what could have happened that she decided to call him, she still has his phone number, it makes him feel warmer.
“Mom?”
Her voice is soft and a little bit fussy, he is sure she is fidgeting in her place while talking with him, maybe feelings as nervous as he is now.
“How are you doing, Kazuya? Is everything ok with you?”
He misses her voice and the smell of her perfume, maybe she hasn’t changed at all through the years, because as long as he remembers she has always smelled like vanilla and lemon, so homey.
“I am. I’m, absolutely. How are you?”
He wants to ask about his father, if he still hates him as much as he did or maybe after these years something has changed, but he bite his tongue, suppressing the words, because with a person such as his father nothing is changing even in years.
“I’m fine, dear. I want to wish you a Happy Birthday and I hope I’m not distracting you from something important.”
Kazuya stills, trying to think about how it's even possible that with all this strange anxiety he absolutely forget about his own birthday. Maybe because it was Jin who always remembers about that date, making little sweet surprises with a sheepish smile on his face.
“Thank you, I’m happy that you are calling me, I hope it’s ok,”
He looks at the floor feeling so shamed, he really hopes it’s ok and his father won’t be mad. On that day almost seven years ago, he father voiced out very clearly his opinion about his son’s future and about his life style, he hasn’t been in touch with them for all this years, sometimes receiving calls from his brothers, who did it behind their father's back.
“He is still mad, Kazuya.”
He swallowed, thinking how his fingers burned against Kazuya’s cheek. Jin was there too, with him, painfully honest about his feelings so that enraged his father even more.
Kazuya can’t change his past, but this call makes him incredibly happy, he hadn't realized before he heard her voice, how much he misses them all, his home, the noise, the jokes, the smiles, just everything.
“I know.”
The pause, when he can hear her breathing and maybe hesitating to ask.
“Are you still living with this man?”
Kazuya exhales.
“Yes, mom, I am. I’m living with Jin.”
The silence and he can hear how she sighs.
“I love you, dear.”
“I love you too, thank you for your wishes.”
The phone beeps as the call disconnects and Kazuya still clutches the phone in his trembling hands, feeling how the world is spinning around him and he feels lost, so lost, that he feels like crying, but he never did before and he doubts it’s so easy to make tears run from his eyes, he just can’t. Only the pain, the suffocating pain in his chest, it's like a hole that is getting bigger and bigger with every moment.
He needs Jin, just to be near him, right now, because he is desperate, because he is breaking apart.
Kazuya pushes the door in a studio, looks at Jin, who is concentrating on the piece of cold soulless marble he is working with. He hasn’t notice that the door is open and someone else is here, he is too deep in his own world, the one when there is no place for Kazuya.
Seven years is a lot and maybe they just grew apart? What is Jin seeing, looking with such affection and caressing gently the surface of this stone? Why does he forget about things that were important for him before, why does he forget about Kazuya?
The awful idea crosses Kazuya’s mind at that moment. He wonders if Jin will even notice if Kazuya will disappear, will it make any difference for him? With growing horror he understands that he doesn’t know the answer to this question.
When Kazuya writes at the words on the white paper, his hands are trembling and the letters are jumping. He takes the suitcase and closes the door with a thud, the short note resting on the table. He doubts Jin will read it at all, so what the sense of writing more.
I’m leaving.
Part 2