(no subject)
Happy birthday to me! *grins*
I have a long post about the Best Birthday Weekend Ever, but my nets are not happy with me, so instead I give you ficlet. Written for darksideofstorm's birthday.
Yes. It was many weeks ago. Shuddup. ;)
Title: Dear ANBU
Author: JBMcDragon
Characters: Kakashi, Gai
Genre: Humor
Rated: G
Dear ANBU 1/1
JBMcDragon
Kakashi stood in his doorway, pondering his apartment and the teenager standing within.
"I bet you're surprised!" the teenager said, grinning broadly.
Kakashi looked around. His apartment had been... altered.
This was why he needed better booby traps. Of course, only an ANBU could have gotten past his. He was a genius, after all.
As least the teenaged ANBU wasn't attacking, and given Pakkun's reaction--to fall on the floor in hysterical laughter--the ninja wasn't likely to attack, either.
"Can I help you?" Kakashi asked blandly.
"I, Maito Gai, have decided to be your, Hatake Kakashi, best friend!" Sunbeams shot through the windows and glinted off the teenager's teeth.
Kakashi wondered idly what sort of jutsu created that. "I see." At least now he had a name to put to the bowl-cut and bushy eyebrows. Though in a village as small as theirs, he probably should have known the other teenager's name.
Kakashi didn't have time for his peers. He was better than them, to start with, and he had porn. Porn made everything great. So, really, it was no wonder he hadn't known the kid's name.
Kakashi could think of this teen as a kid, see, because Kakashi thought of himself as Adult. Even though he was barely sixteen.
"Well," Kakashi said slowly, single lazy eye traveling the room again, "it was nice meeting you... Gai. If you'll excuse me..."
He hadn't yet figured out why there were 'happy birthday' banners hanging from the ceiling, or streamers looped at each corner of the room. He was already mentally composing his letter to the head of ANBU.
'Dear ANBU,' it would read. 'Today I was accosted by one of your elite members. My eyes will never recover from the spandex.
'No love,
'Kakashi.'
"Oh, but we haven't had dinner yet! As best friends, it's imperative that we eat, drink, and be merry! After all, it's your birthday!"
Kakashi blinked slowly at Gai.
'Dear ANBU,' his letter would read. 'Your hiring standards have really dropped. No love, Kakashi.'
"I don't really have time for that." Then he went for his trump card, the one that got everyone moving out of his way. "I have porn to read, you know."
Gai's face paled. The smiled dimmed. His features scrunched up, eyes closing, and his hands tightened into fists. "Oohhh! Just as cool as they said! You even have PORN!"
Kakashi blinked, nonplussed. 'Dear ANBU, what were you thinking? No love, Kakashi.'
"But group drunken masturbating in a mutually enjoyable, but totally heterosexual and masculine way will have to wait--right now, there are presents!" Gai produced a box and, without waiting for Kakashi to so much as take a step closer, he yanked the lid off and pulled out a green... thing... with a flourish. "We have matching suits! Like true friends!"
'Dear ANBU, wtf? If you wanted a mascot, couldn't you pick one that was fuzzy? No love, Kakashi.'
"That's... horrific," Kakashi said. He was trying very hard not to remember the bit about mutual masturbation. In fact, he'd already blocked it from his memory; it likely wouldn't show up for years and years, until he snapped on a mission with a friend and killed him with porn.
Gai paused. His face scrunched. His fists clenched. "Oooh!" he managed. "Using slang that means the opposite of what you mean! That's so hip!"
Kakashi blinked. "You know," he said, confused, "it's not my birthday."
Gai's face crumbled. "I know! I missed it! Can you EVER forgive me?" He stepped forward, one hand grabbing Kakashi's sleeve, the other clutching his own chest. Tears threatened.
Kakashi was a master of controlling his emotions. He only pulled back and looked horrified a little. "I didn't even know you on my birthday," he pointed out, baffled.
'Dear ANBU, it's MY job to baffle people. You suck. No love, Kakashi.'
"That's no excuse!" Gai began, and broke into great heaving sobs. Really great heaving sobs; the teenager was already bigger than Kakashi. "I'm so sorry!"
Kakashi looked at Pakkun. Pakkun was still laughing, now rolled up in the string of a helium balloon. "Okay," Kakashi said, tentatively patting the other teenager's shoulder with the tips of his fingers. "Okay. You're forgiven."
Gai whipped a hanky out of nowhere and blew into it noisily. "No! I'm not! I must DO something to EARN YOUR TRUST!"
Oh, gods. 'Dear ANBU, this had better be a joke. No love, Kakashi.'
"Earn my trust?" he echoed faintly.
"YES! So that we may be True and Beloved Friends again!"
Never mind that they hadn't been... whatever... in the first place. It was time for quick action. "You know what, Gai?"
Gai looked at him, eyes watery, face blotched and red. "What?"
"I have lots of friends. What I really need is... is..." His genius brain was failing him. He suspected the neon pink plastic martini glasses sitting next to a bottle of sake on the counter had killed it.
Gai gasped and stepped back. "Of course! You're much too cool for friends! People as cool as you need challenges! Someone to struggle with! To help you improve upon your Road Of Life!"
"...yes," Kakashi said. "That's right."
'Dear ANBU, I know you like the crazies, but maybe your selection process should be a LEETLE more careful? No love, Kakashi.'
Gai straightened, chest puffing outward. "Hatake Kakashi! From this day forth, I will be your Eternal Rival!"
"Great," Kakashi said blandly.
"I will think of things to challenge you into growing ever stronger!"
"Wonderful." He stepped to one side, putting a hand on Gai's back and propelling him toward the door.
"Together, we will continue to be strong and grow in our commitment to our village!"
"Perfect."
Gai stopped in the doorway, turning to face Kakashi. "I will never let you down, and I will always think of new challenges to keep us--"
"That's nice," Kakashi said, and closed the door.
It didn't seem to help. Gai's words came, muffled, through the wood. Kakashi opened the door to stare in fascination.
"--and so we will grow together in True Love and Perfect Friendship as Comrades and Eternal Rivals!"
"...okay then."
Gai smiled. His teeth glinted. Then he turned and bounded off.
Kakashi watched him go with a strange sort of bafflement. Then he closed the door and glanced back at his decorated apartment. He couldn't quite keep a smile from twitching over his mouth.
Those ANBU guys were really weird. He gave the obsession a week.
**
Morino Ibiki glanced up from the letter sent by Hatake Kakashi. "Any idea who Maito Gai is?" he asked, confused.
His superior looked at him, frowning thoughtfully. "An orphan... why?"
"Not one of ours?"
The man shook his head.
"Huh," Ibiki said, and tossed the letter into the garbage. It settled face-up.
'Dear ANBU,
'If you would call off your hound, I'd really appreciate it. It's been two weeks, and this is getting just a little ridiculous
...'
--end
I have a long post about the Best Birthday Weekend Ever, but my nets are not happy with me, so instead I give you ficlet. Written for darksideofstorm's birthday.
Yes. It was many weeks ago. Shuddup. ;)
Title: Dear ANBU
Author: JBMcDragon
Characters: Kakashi, Gai
Genre: Humor
Rated: G
Dear ANBU 1/1
JBMcDragon
Kakashi stood in his doorway, pondering his apartment and the teenager standing within.
"I bet you're surprised!" the teenager said, grinning broadly.
Kakashi looked around. His apartment had been... altered.
This was why he needed better booby traps. Of course, only an ANBU could have gotten past his. He was a genius, after all.
As least the teenaged ANBU wasn't attacking, and given Pakkun's reaction--to fall on the floor in hysterical laughter--the ninja wasn't likely to attack, either.
"Can I help you?" Kakashi asked blandly.
"I, Maito Gai, have decided to be your, Hatake Kakashi, best friend!" Sunbeams shot through the windows and glinted off the teenager's teeth.
Kakashi wondered idly what sort of jutsu created that. "I see." At least now he had a name to put to the bowl-cut and bushy eyebrows. Though in a village as small as theirs, he probably should have known the other teenager's name.
Kakashi didn't have time for his peers. He was better than them, to start with, and he had porn. Porn made everything great. So, really, it was no wonder he hadn't known the kid's name.
Kakashi could think of this teen as a kid, see, because Kakashi thought of himself as Adult. Even though he was barely sixteen.
"Well," Kakashi said slowly, single lazy eye traveling the room again, "it was nice meeting you... Gai. If you'll excuse me..."
He hadn't yet figured out why there were 'happy birthday' banners hanging from the ceiling, or streamers looped at each corner of the room. He was already mentally composing his letter to the head of ANBU.
'Dear ANBU,' it would read. 'Today I was accosted by one of your elite members. My eyes will never recover from the spandex.
'No love,
'Kakashi.'
"Oh, but we haven't had dinner yet! As best friends, it's imperative that we eat, drink, and be merry! After all, it's your birthday!"
Kakashi blinked slowly at Gai.
'Dear ANBU,' his letter would read. 'Your hiring standards have really dropped. No love, Kakashi.'
"I don't really have time for that." Then he went for his trump card, the one that got everyone moving out of his way. "I have porn to read, you know."
Gai's face paled. The smiled dimmed. His features scrunched up, eyes closing, and his hands tightened into fists. "Oohhh! Just as cool as they said! You even have PORN!"
Kakashi blinked, nonplussed. 'Dear ANBU, what were you thinking? No love, Kakashi.'
"But group drunken masturbating in a mutually enjoyable, but totally heterosexual and masculine way will have to wait--right now, there are presents!" Gai produced a box and, without waiting for Kakashi to so much as take a step closer, he yanked the lid off and pulled out a green... thing... with a flourish. "We have matching suits! Like true friends!"
'Dear ANBU, wtf? If you wanted a mascot, couldn't you pick one that was fuzzy? No love, Kakashi.'
"That's... horrific," Kakashi said. He was trying very hard not to remember the bit about mutual masturbation. In fact, he'd already blocked it from his memory; it likely wouldn't show up for years and years, until he snapped on a mission with a friend and killed him with porn.
Gai paused. His face scrunched. His fists clenched. "Oooh!" he managed. "Using slang that means the opposite of what you mean! That's so hip!"
Kakashi blinked. "You know," he said, confused, "it's not my birthday."
Gai's face crumbled. "I know! I missed it! Can you EVER forgive me?" He stepped forward, one hand grabbing Kakashi's sleeve, the other clutching his own chest. Tears threatened.
Kakashi was a master of controlling his emotions. He only pulled back and looked horrified a little. "I didn't even know you on my birthday," he pointed out, baffled.
'Dear ANBU, it's MY job to baffle people. You suck. No love, Kakashi.'
"That's no excuse!" Gai began, and broke into great heaving sobs. Really great heaving sobs; the teenager was already bigger than Kakashi. "I'm so sorry!"
Kakashi looked at Pakkun. Pakkun was still laughing, now rolled up in the string of a helium balloon. "Okay," Kakashi said, tentatively patting the other teenager's shoulder with the tips of his fingers. "Okay. You're forgiven."
Gai whipped a hanky out of nowhere and blew into it noisily. "No! I'm not! I must DO something to EARN YOUR TRUST!"
Oh, gods. 'Dear ANBU, this had better be a joke. No love, Kakashi.'
"Earn my trust?" he echoed faintly.
"YES! So that we may be True and Beloved Friends again!"
Never mind that they hadn't been... whatever... in the first place. It was time for quick action. "You know what, Gai?"
Gai looked at him, eyes watery, face blotched and red. "What?"
"I have lots of friends. What I really need is... is..." His genius brain was failing him. He suspected the neon pink plastic martini glasses sitting next to a bottle of sake on the counter had killed it.
Gai gasped and stepped back. "Of course! You're much too cool for friends! People as cool as you need challenges! Someone to struggle with! To help you improve upon your Road Of Life!"
"...yes," Kakashi said. "That's right."
'Dear ANBU, I know you like the crazies, but maybe your selection process should be a LEETLE more careful? No love, Kakashi.'
Gai straightened, chest puffing outward. "Hatake Kakashi! From this day forth, I will be your Eternal Rival!"
"Great," Kakashi said blandly.
"I will think of things to challenge you into growing ever stronger!"
"Wonderful." He stepped to one side, putting a hand on Gai's back and propelling him toward the door.
"Together, we will continue to be strong and grow in our commitment to our village!"
"Perfect."
Gai stopped in the doorway, turning to face Kakashi. "I will never let you down, and I will always think of new challenges to keep us--"
"That's nice," Kakashi said, and closed the door.
It didn't seem to help. Gai's words came, muffled, through the wood. Kakashi opened the door to stare in fascination.
"--and so we will grow together in True Love and Perfect Friendship as Comrades and Eternal Rivals!"
"...okay then."
Gai smiled. His teeth glinted. Then he turned and bounded off.
Kakashi watched him go with a strange sort of bafflement. Then he closed the door and glanced back at his decorated apartment. He couldn't quite keep a smile from twitching over his mouth.
Those ANBU guys were really weird. He gave the obsession a week.
**
Morino Ibiki glanced up from the letter sent by Hatake Kakashi. "Any idea who Maito Gai is?" he asked, confused.
His superior looked at him, frowning thoughtfully. "An orphan... why?"
"Not one of ours?"
The man shook his head.
"Huh," Ibiki said, and tossed the letter into the garbage. It settled face-up.
'Dear ANBU,
'If you would call off your hound, I'd really appreciate it. It's been two weeks, and this is getting just a little ridiculous
...'
--end