(no subject)
Title: The Great Bathroom Mirror Escapades, Vol 6: OMG! Gettin' Some!
Status: Complete, and now posting bonus posts!
Rating: Eh, R, to be on the safe side, for language and implied sex.
Characters: Primarily Raidou, Genma, and Hayate.
Genre: Humor, citrus.
Summary: Next in MessyPeaches and JBMcDragon's crack-over series, combining The Kakashi Mission world, the Side Effects world, and now the Broken Ninja world! (But be happy. We only use a minor character from there, so you don't have to read it.)
Hayate is dead in every dimension. ...Well. Almost. (Links to previous volumes and the pertinent stories are in chapter 1.)
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
So, after writing this story, Momo and I realized we had lots of other bits and pieces that just NEEDED to be written down. I suppose these aren't deleted scenes so much as scenes from this world that didn't quite fit into the story. Mostly because we didn't want to write the in between bits. *looks sneaky* Consider them extra Hayate-Raidou-Genma stories! (There are, btw, four bonus posts.)
BONUS POSTS:
Bonus Post One: Why do you ALWAYS brush your teeth naked?
Bonus Post Two: So I been busy makin' sex. I mean, Special Jounin.
Post Three
Hayate had gone to the hospital, like he was *supposed* to after a mission, and they'd just told him the jutsu was winding down and to go home. Where he wasn't really sure he wanted to go, because . . . well. He didn't. But he went.
He staggered in the door and flopped down in a kitchen chair, practically collapsing on the table. He tucked his hands under his elbows, hiding the three missing nails. He just. Wanted. To sleep. But his eyes wouldn't close, and even when they closed he wasn't really asleep and they just popped. Back. Open.
He thought about getting rid of the weapons dispersed around his person.
Too hard.
He thought about eating something.
Too hard.
He thought longingly about bed.
It wouldn’t help. He'd still be awake. He whimpered.
"Hey, baby, okay?" Raidou asked sleepily, quietly padding in from down the hall.
"Can't sleep," Hayate murmured, and moved enough to see Raidou start fussing around, heating milk. "Missions suck." A tremor rocked through him, the sudden terror of what might happen if Raidou and Genma found out what he'd done. He closed his mouth. He was afraid to tell them any more than that.
He didn't want to leave. Oh, gods, he'd fucked up so terribly, and he didn't want to leave.
"Hard one, huh? Whore."
He sat up straight, eyes wide, heart pounding. "What? No!"
"So, it was an easy mission?" Raidou asked, confused. He peered closely at Hayate. "Are you okay?"
Hayate stared at him warily, then realized--he'd misheard. He had to have misheard. Raidou wouldn't say such a thing. "Gods, fuck, I'm fine," he whimpered, and rubbed his eyes. "I haven't *slept* in four days and the medics said it's normal and I'll probably cycle into REM even though I'm not sleeping and I fucking hate this . . ."
Raidou put a pad of butter, some cinnamon, and rum into the milk. Then he poured the hot toddy into a nice, thick mug and pushed it over to where Hayate could grab it if he wanted to.
Hayate grabbed it, gave it a few minutes to cool, and drank it ALL.
He really, really, really was hoping it would make him SLEEP. And it tasted good--all warm and creamy and rich. He stared at the table.
He still wasn't sleeping.
He wanted to cry. He just wanted to *sleep.* And forget all of it. Forget everything he'd done. They couldn't find out. Shame slithered through him, dragging him down. He lay back down on the table.
"We'll never trust you again." Raidou's voice snarled in his ear, filled with rage.
Hayate shoved away, stumbling up to his feet and hitting the counter. "What?" He'd known it. He'd known it! But--they couldn't know--
"Are you okay?"
"I--I--" Hayate stammered, confused and scared.
Raidou put his arms around Hayate's shoulders. "It's okay. It's okay, you had a bad mission and a jutsu's keeping you from sleeping, right?"
Hayate nodded weakly, leaning against the other man, shaking slightly. He was warm, and strong, and if Hayate tried hard enough maybe he'd be forgiven. "Yeah. Yeah--"
Raidou kissed his forehead. "It's okay. We'll take turns staying up with you."
Hayate breathed a little easier.
"Stupid fucking slut."
Hayate yanked away and slid down the counter, eyeing Raidou fearfully. "What?" His voice trembled.
"We'll take turns staying up with you. To make sure you're okay. You seem kind of jumpy."
"I thought you--never mind. Never mind." He was too tired for this. None of it made sense. His mind couldn't keep up. Hayate rubbed his chest, still tingling from the jutsu. He looked around the kitchen. "Think you could just hit me really, really hard? Then I could just be all unconscious . . ." The cupboard with the glasses was open a crack, and something shifted inside--he stared. It was gone. "Just really hard," he muttered absently.
"No, if it's a sleep jutsu then that wouldn't be healthy, either. Because you wouldn't actually be resting. And you wouldn't be healing from whatever concussion I'd given you."
"But I wouldn't be going *crazy* from *tiredness*--"
"You're not going crazy, it's just dreams, you fucking retard." Except Raidou's mouth hadn't moved for the last part.
Hayate stared at him. People who didn't dream, he remembered suddenly, went insane. Maybe they didn't know what he'd done. Maybe they did. Maybe he was losing his mind. "What if I went crazy?" he asked after a minute, his voice little. "Would you still like me?"
"'Course," Raidou said, pulling him in. "But if you fucked someone on a mission, we'd never forgive you."
Hayate flinched but didn't pull away. They didn't know. They *couldn't* know. "Really?"
"Of course we'd still like you if you went crazy. You're almost crazy now. I mean not, like, right now," Raidou continued quickly, flustered. "But like, last week before you went and got yourself extra crazy."
"But you'd never forgive me for the other stuff?" He curled his hands against Raidou's chest, feeling warm, scarred skin. He shivered and buried his face against the man's neck. Oh, gods, he wanted to be forgiven.
"What other stuff?"
Maybe they didn't know. "Nothing," he muffled into Raidou's shoulder. Maybe it was all in his head. Maybe he was just insane. "How do you know if you're wake-dreaming?"
"You don't. Just lie down and ask yourself, would this logically happen?"
Well, leaving someone because they'd cheated on you sounded pretty damn logical to him. He curled closer. "I didn't mean to," he murmured.
"Well, of course you didn't mean to get hit by a jutsu. Nobody means to get hit by an enemy jutsu. The rest, we know you did mean, and you're a fucking asshole. How can you not mean an erection, anyway?"
They knew. But he hadn't told them. But--Hayate pulled away, trying not to be sick. "I--it was just--" he shook his head, caught himself on the counter--dizzy, too tired--and started toward the front door. "I'm gonna go, okay?" He couldn't be there. Didn't want to hear Raidou's hate. Couldn't blame the man for it, because he hated himself.
"No, if you're starting to have waking hallucinations you should stay here. Before you accidentally go out and fall on someone, dick-first."
Hayate flinched. Raidou was right; if he started hallucinating he could hurt someone. He was less worried about hurting himself. He was disgusting and terrible and he wanted to die.
Genma padded out from the back room, sleep-rumpled. He smiled when he saw Hayate. "Oh, hey, Haya-chan, you whore."
Hayate recoiled, cringing against the door. "I--I am not!"
"Okay, fine, we'll stop calling you that," Genma said, a little taken aback.
He took a deep breath, looking up, surprised at Genma's upset tone. Not angry--upset. "You will?"
"Course we will, whore."
Hayate's hands twisted in his shirt. "But--you said you'd stop--"
"We did. Slut."
Hayate flinched as if struck.
Genma walked over, took him by the elbow and pulled him to the couch. "Just lay down."
"Don't wanna lay down," he whimpered, but did as he was told, head in Genma's lap and arms over his face. Hands smoothed over his back and his hair, trying to rub away tension even while the men growled at him, calling him slut and whore and every other applicable name. He flinched and tried not to cry, and knew that when he got through this, they'd make him leave.
He couldn't blame them.
**
Ibiki walked the STD report over himself, since he was heading that way and he figured Hayate would want the results as soon as possible. Besides, he'd heard that the kid had been hit by one of those nasty-ass anti-sleep jutsus, and he wanted to check on him.
"Make the rabbit stop!" he heard before he'd even knocked on the door.
Ibiki sighed and knocked on the door anyway. After a few minutes a tired-looking Genma answered.
"How's he doing?"
"About as well as you'd expect," Genma said. "All his fun dreams are apparently going wrong for him."
"Well, physically he came back with everything clean," Ibiki said, stepping inside and setting the folder on the table. "He'll need to come back in for another check-up once the jutsu's worn all the way off, but . . ."
Hayate stumbled into view, bags under his glassy eyes. "'Scuse me," he said, ducking past both men, grabbing the envelope and bolting for his orchid room. The door slammed behind him. He put the envelope next to the biggest orchid and waited until the petals had grown over it. Good, now it was hidden and safe. The pixies would take it from there.
With the evidence hidden, maybe he could convince them it hadn't happened. He could tell them--tell them--
He hadn't *meant* to. He turned and walked out of the room, skirting the cake-eating alligator. Back in the kitchen, he stared at Ibiki. "You have a voice like green oatmeal," he said solemnly.
"I think that means hi," Genma whispered.
"And you look like fried eggs," Ibiki said back.
Hayate put a hand to his face. "You mean I've gone sour dough?"
". . . Yes."
Hayate smiled. "Awwwww . . . you're so nice, Mister Corncob. Truffle." He grinned.
"O-kay, Haya-chan, back to the couch," Genma said, grabbing him around the waist and trotting him back to the living room.
"Watch out for the snake," Hayate told him, nearly sending them both to the floor when he tried to avoid the quicksand pit. "The jelly beans are mad," he added. "Let's get naked and play dominos!"
Ibiki watched them. "So we're looking at day . . . seven of sleep deprivation, then?"
"You can tell just by looking?" Genma asked.
"Oh, yes. Food allegories always show up on day seven," Ibiki answered, then pointed out, "I have his report, you know."
"Eh, I wasn't really sure how many days it'd been. We're kind of sleeping in six-hour shifts so that he's not alone. I'd hate for the purple bunny-fly to tell him to drink bleach or some shit like that."
"Yes, the purple bunny-fly can be a real bastard. You should be writing some of this down. It'll be priceless when he comes out of it."
"Oh, we've got pictures," Genma assured him.
"No more bloody monkey wings!" Hayate shouted.
"So, we haven't really been able to get much of his mission out of him," Genma said, sitting down and letting Hayate half-curl into his lap again. "Does any of this stuff he's yelling have anything to do with things that actually happened on his mission? Or is this all just sleep stuff?"
"Mostly just sleep stuff. Has he been yelling anything about old women?"
"The nipples keep *moving*," Hayate muttered.
"Well, he wasn't before now!" Genma said, vaguely annoyed.
"Oops."
Hayate looked Genma right in the eyes and said forlornly, "I need a blueberry winkydink."
"It's in the other room, you can play with it when you're better."
"I will pay you money not to explain that," Ibiki muttered.
"And she's really really unhappy with me," Hayate added. "And she might eat your toes."
Genma just looked at Ibiki and looked back down. "It's okay, honey, your toes are safe now."
The reassurance seemed to bring Hayate near anxious tears. "Really?"
"Yes, really, I promise."
"I don't wanna die in my sleep. Or with cantaloupe."
"We'll make sure you don't die in your sleep. We will gut you like a fish. You lying, cheating little bastard."
Hayate whimpered and buried his face. "'M *sorry*."
Ibiki arched an eyebrow. "He hasn't told you yet."
"Shhhh," Hayate hissed into Genma's groin. "The pixies might hear."
"What hasn't he told me?" Genma asked, then looked down. "Hayate, honey, what haven't you told me about your mission?"
". . . Nothing," Hayate said slowly. Then he turned his head and looked up at Genma with one eye, checking to see if the man believed him.
"You're a lying little whore!" Genma yelled down.
Hayate screamed.
"Confess and be forgiven by fire!"
Hayate leapt off the couch, and Genma's head burst into flames.
"You're killing me with the fondue of your untruthfulness!" Genma roared.
"I didn't mean to, I didn't mean to!" Hayate yelled back as Ibiki turned into a black hole. Hayate panicked and bolted, running to the bedroom. Raidou was being mauled by a giant bear, but there wasn't time to save *both* Genma and Raidou, so he grabbed the bear's fish and raced back to put out the fire in Genma's hair.
He squeezed, and the fish vomited mercury.
Genma stood there, covered in blueberry sauce from the giant dick.
"Okay, I'm going home now," Ibiki said. "Good luck! Send up a flare if you need assistance! I'll send somebody other than me."
". . . Are you okay now?" Hayate asked, trembling. Maybe--maybe--since he'd saved Genma's life, Genma would forgive him for being a lying little whore. Maybe they wouldn't take him to the forest and skin him alive. Maybe they'd stop catching fire and bear-wrestling. He didn't want to die. Didn't want them to die. Didn't want to leave. He'd fucked everything up. Or maybe it wouldn't count, since he was killing them with untruthfulness anyway.
"Hayate, what do you think you're holding?" Genma asked finally.
"A fish." Hayate waved it around, then realized it didn't look like a fish anymore. Huh.
"Set the fish down," Genma said, looking at Raidou who was now standing in the corner of the living room, rubbing his head.
It would have reassured Hayate more if Raidou had had a face. But he didn't--just eyes and a puss-filled blob. Blue cheese crumbled off his fingers. "'M not putting the fish--" only now it wasn't a fish, and he was so confused-- "down. Not until you promise not to die. Or kill me."
"We promise not to die or kill you. We're just going to leave you alone in the woods until you're consumed with guilt over your horrible misdeed," Raidou gurgled out of the black hole in his knee. After a moment a squirrel came out and squeaked, "I'm eating his brain!"
"I--I already feel guilty," Hayate whimpered. "Do I have to stay in the forest? I want to stay here. I'm sorry."
"No, you don't have to stay in the forest," Raidou said, confused. "That's where the bear is!"
Hayate stared. He trembled all over, using the not-fish for balance.
Genma, charred and covered in silvery blobs that kept smiling at Hayate, came over and wrapped his arms around the younger man, making Hayate drop his not-fish. "We're just going to let the minnows eat you, fuckwad."
Hayate screamed and felt the minnows slide wet and slick into his shirt. He stomped at Genma's toes and jumped back again. "I don't want the minnows to eat me!" But it was too late--they were tearing into his flesh, chewing and biting. He screamed and slapped at them, and the entire house turned into glass and there was a giant outside grabbing and shaking them and he felt himself hit the floor as the giant yanked the house UP.
And then it went black.
**
"Is he asleep? Or is he just unconscious?" Raidou asked, nudging Hayate with his toe.
Genma leaned down, checked. "He's *finally* asleep. Okay. I'm going to go take a shower, and I'll clean up the syrupy mess if you strip him down and put him to bed."
**
Hayate woke four days later. He cracked an eyelid, saw an IV traveling from a bag beside the bed to his elbow. There was a strap across his chest and the arm with the IV, obviously to keep him from moving. He fumbled for a buckle with his free hand, and finally managed to get loose. He sat up and dragged himself to his feet, then staggered out to the kitchen, using the IV stand as a crutch.
Raidou and Genma were both there, and he remembered more than he really wanted to about the weird waking-dreams. Genma was not, in fact, charred. And they didn't own a giant fish.
He didn't want to know.
On the table was the yellow envelope where his STD reports were. He flinched. "Oh. Um." He eyed the IV catheter in his arm and debated just tugging it out. "That's, um, mine." He'd thought he'd *hidden* the damn envelope.
Under the rapidly growing orchids. Oh, crap. That probably hadn't happened. He *knew* he should have gone for under the tiger.
. . . Wait.
"Would you like me to take that out for you?" Genma asked. "It's just a saline solution so you didn't get dehydrated."
Hayate just nodded gratefully and sat down at the table. His eyes flickered around as Genma walked over. Did they know? Had he told them? He thought they already knew . . . from the things they'd said, he was certain they did. But he couldn't be sure. Maybe he still had a chance. He didn't want to leave.
But they definitely looked annoyed. And the folder was right there.
Genma took the needle out carefully, used an alcohol wipe to swab the area, and put a band-aid on it. The band-aid was pink. It had Hello Kitty on it.
Hayate stared at it. Then looked at Genma. "Don't we have other band-aids?"
"Well, we're upset with you," Raidou said.
Hayate wilted. He'd been hoping they hadn't *looked* at the envelope, since they hadn't yelled at him or anything. ". . . You are?" He asked weakly. Oh, gods. They were going to throw him out after all. He hated himself.
"Yes. You lied to us."
". . . Not *really* . . ." he mumbled.
"You hid something from us. Well, you tried. In the future you shouldn't mutter about how the pixies are protecting the treasure."
". . . Yeah, that probably wasn't the greatest," he said quietly. "Are . . . you really mad?" he asked, only barely keeping the tremble from his voice.
"Yes," Raidou said, matter of factly.
Hayate chewed on his lip, remembering too well all the things they'd said to him. "Do you still want me to leave?"
"No. No, we don't want you to leave, we just want you to promise not to lie to us anymore," Genma said, sitting back down and leaning on Raidou's shoulder.
Hayate tried not to look at them, all cuddly and not-with-him. He was trying to figure out how to learn what they knew without actually *asking.* Because they hadn't *said* what they knew, and they weren't making him leave, so they might not know anything. If they didn't know anything, then he wasn't going to tell them. But if they'd found out he'd slept with someone else, he'd *cheated* on them, or if he lied about it and got caught, they wouldn't want him around. But if he lied and *didn't* get caught, he didn't have to leave.
He'd do anything not to leave. Gods, he could barely breathe.
"You're really terrible at lying when you're not in mission mode," Genma said.
Hayate flinched. How was he supposed to get into mission mode in his own home? Damn it!
"That doesn't mean try," Raidou said sternly.
Hayate tried to try without looking like he was trying.
"Knock that off!" Genma snapped.
"Sorry," Hayate mumbled. Damn it, they were getting angrier. They hadn't seemed *all* that angry before, but now they were. He could hear it in their voices.
He still didn't know what they knew. "Can I, um . . . take that?" He pointed at the envelope.
"Tell us about your mission."
He faked a nonchalant shrug, keeping his voice steady and tucking his scarred hands between his knees. "It sucked. I'm home. Can I have that?"
"Did it suck you or did you suck it?" Genma asked, arching an eyebrow. They were getting worried--they knew from Ibiki that the mission involved sex, but the way he was acting was just *weird.* They were concerned that something had been seriously wrong--kids involved or a goat or fecal matter or rape or *something* that had freaked him out.
Hayate paled. They knew. They *knew*, and they were never going to forgive him. The dam burst. "I--I just--I'm really sorry and I wasn't going to but I couldn't get the information any other way that I could have figured out and I knew I *should* have figured out another way but it made *sense* in mission mode and it was the quickest way without actually killing anybody--" He was almost crying, except that manly ninja ANBU men didn't cry.
But now he *was* going to get kicked out for cheating on his husband-boyfriend-lover-people.
"Were you hurt during this . . . information extraction?" Raidou asked.
"No," Hayate said softly, waiting for the metaphorical blade to fall. When they remained silent, he added, "A little grossed out . . ." They still waited. "She was really old." Hayate made a face. No one yelled at him. They weren't calling him whore or slut or anything. He couldn’t stand the silence. "And her nipples were wrinkly." He poked his fingers at nipple-level and wiggled them, too anxious to remain still.
"And it was just normal sex?" Genma clarified, just to make certain.
Hayate nodded, sinking lower in his chair. "Yeah. I'm so sorry." The last was barely a whisper.
"Oh, good. Don't scare us like that, kid," Raidou said, relieved. "We thought you'd been badly traumatized or something. Badly, badly traumatized. This is just sorta traumatized. Suck it up," he finished in an undertone.
Hayate stared at them blankly. "You mean . . . you're not mad at me?"
"Yeah, we're mad at you, you made us worry and you didn't just tell us what happened!"
"I--I thought you'd be mad 'cause I cheated on you."
"It's not cheating on a mission."
Hayate stared at them, remembering the insane days before he'd fallen asleep. So much of what he remembered had been a waking dream, and waking dreams started with auditory hallucinations . . . "So the part where you said I was a whore, that was a dream, right?" Hayate asked slowly.
"We've never called you a whore."
He sniffled--NOT that he was *really* sniffling like *crying*, because he was a manly ninja ANBU-man--and rubbed his nose with the back of his wrist. His mind chewed over what they'd said, the reality slowly sinking in. They weren't going to make him leave. They weren't even angry. "So . . . I'm forgiven?" He smiled hopefully.
"We weren't mad at you about that in the first place. Just tell us next time, okay? It's not cheating on a mission. Genma's slept his way out of problems before, too."
"Hey! It's not like I'm the only one!"
"You more often than me," Raidou said.
"You do have more of a 'fuck-me' air," Hayate pointed out, relief making him almost giddy.
". . . Because youuuu never act slutty, either," Raidou said sarcastically.
Hayate looked innocent. "I have no idea what you're talking about."
**
Several days later, Hayate sat at the kitchen table doing one of his absolutely favorite past times: watching Genma, while Raidou made breakfast.
"Would you still like me," he asked slowly, "if I wrote a really funny story, and then in the last chapter I made it sad?"
"It depends," Raidou said, thoughtfully. "Do you make the main character you've gotten everyone to love die in a fire?"
Hayate thought about that for a while. "No," he said. "Well. Maybe." Then he grinned. "No. But I might tell people I would."
"So long as I wasn't that person, I wouldn't even be mad," Genma reassured him.
Hayate grinned impishly, and sipped his coffee.
*****************
Status: Complete, and now posting bonus posts!
Rating: Eh, R, to be on the safe side, for language and implied sex.
Characters: Primarily Raidou, Genma, and Hayate.
Genre: Humor, citrus.
Summary: Next in MessyPeaches and JBMcDragon's crack-over series, combining The Kakashi Mission world, the Side Effects world, and now the Broken Ninja world! (But be happy. We only use a minor character from there, so you don't have to read it.)
Hayate is dead in every dimension. ...Well. Almost. (Links to previous volumes and the pertinent stories are in chapter 1.)
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
So, after writing this story, Momo and I realized we had lots of other bits and pieces that just NEEDED to be written down. I suppose these aren't deleted scenes so much as scenes from this world that didn't quite fit into the story. Mostly because we didn't want to write the in between bits. *looks sneaky* Consider them extra Hayate-Raidou-Genma stories! (There are, btw, four bonus posts.)
BONUS POSTS:
Bonus Post One: Why do you ALWAYS brush your teeth naked?
Bonus Post Two: So I been busy makin' sex. I mean, Special Jounin.
Post Three
Hayate had gone to the hospital, like he was *supposed* to after a mission, and they'd just told him the jutsu was winding down and to go home. Where he wasn't really sure he wanted to go, because . . . well. He didn't. But he went.
He staggered in the door and flopped down in a kitchen chair, practically collapsing on the table. He tucked his hands under his elbows, hiding the three missing nails. He just. Wanted. To sleep. But his eyes wouldn't close, and even when they closed he wasn't really asleep and they just popped. Back. Open.
He thought about getting rid of the weapons dispersed around his person.
Too hard.
He thought about eating something.
Too hard.
He thought longingly about bed.
It wouldn’t help. He'd still be awake. He whimpered.
"Hey, baby, okay?" Raidou asked sleepily, quietly padding in from down the hall.
"Can't sleep," Hayate murmured, and moved enough to see Raidou start fussing around, heating milk. "Missions suck." A tremor rocked through him, the sudden terror of what might happen if Raidou and Genma found out what he'd done. He closed his mouth. He was afraid to tell them any more than that.
He didn't want to leave. Oh, gods, he'd fucked up so terribly, and he didn't want to leave.
"Hard one, huh? Whore."
He sat up straight, eyes wide, heart pounding. "What? No!"
"So, it was an easy mission?" Raidou asked, confused. He peered closely at Hayate. "Are you okay?"
Hayate stared at him warily, then realized--he'd misheard. He had to have misheard. Raidou wouldn't say such a thing. "Gods, fuck, I'm fine," he whimpered, and rubbed his eyes. "I haven't *slept* in four days and the medics said it's normal and I'll probably cycle into REM even though I'm not sleeping and I fucking hate this . . ."
Raidou put a pad of butter, some cinnamon, and rum into the milk. Then he poured the hot toddy into a nice, thick mug and pushed it over to where Hayate could grab it if he wanted to.
Hayate grabbed it, gave it a few minutes to cool, and drank it ALL.
He really, really, really was hoping it would make him SLEEP. And it tasted good--all warm and creamy and rich. He stared at the table.
He still wasn't sleeping.
He wanted to cry. He just wanted to *sleep.* And forget all of it. Forget everything he'd done. They couldn't find out. Shame slithered through him, dragging him down. He lay back down on the table.
"We'll never trust you again." Raidou's voice snarled in his ear, filled with rage.
Hayate shoved away, stumbling up to his feet and hitting the counter. "What?" He'd known it. He'd known it! But--they couldn't know--
"Are you okay?"
"I--I--" Hayate stammered, confused and scared.
Raidou put his arms around Hayate's shoulders. "It's okay. It's okay, you had a bad mission and a jutsu's keeping you from sleeping, right?"
Hayate nodded weakly, leaning against the other man, shaking slightly. He was warm, and strong, and if Hayate tried hard enough maybe he'd be forgiven. "Yeah. Yeah--"
Raidou kissed his forehead. "It's okay. We'll take turns staying up with you."
Hayate breathed a little easier.
"Stupid fucking slut."
Hayate yanked away and slid down the counter, eyeing Raidou fearfully. "What?" His voice trembled.
"We'll take turns staying up with you. To make sure you're okay. You seem kind of jumpy."
"I thought you--never mind. Never mind." He was too tired for this. None of it made sense. His mind couldn't keep up. Hayate rubbed his chest, still tingling from the jutsu. He looked around the kitchen. "Think you could just hit me really, really hard? Then I could just be all unconscious . . ." The cupboard with the glasses was open a crack, and something shifted inside--he stared. It was gone. "Just really hard," he muttered absently.
"No, if it's a sleep jutsu then that wouldn't be healthy, either. Because you wouldn't actually be resting. And you wouldn't be healing from whatever concussion I'd given you."
"But I wouldn't be going *crazy* from *tiredness*--"
"You're not going crazy, it's just dreams, you fucking retard." Except Raidou's mouth hadn't moved for the last part.
Hayate stared at him. People who didn't dream, he remembered suddenly, went insane. Maybe they didn't know what he'd done. Maybe they did. Maybe he was losing his mind. "What if I went crazy?" he asked after a minute, his voice little. "Would you still like me?"
"'Course," Raidou said, pulling him in. "But if you fucked someone on a mission, we'd never forgive you."
Hayate flinched but didn't pull away. They didn't know. They *couldn't* know. "Really?"
"Of course we'd still like you if you went crazy. You're almost crazy now. I mean not, like, right now," Raidou continued quickly, flustered. "But like, last week before you went and got yourself extra crazy."
"But you'd never forgive me for the other stuff?" He curled his hands against Raidou's chest, feeling warm, scarred skin. He shivered and buried his face against the man's neck. Oh, gods, he wanted to be forgiven.
"What other stuff?"
Maybe they didn't know. "Nothing," he muffled into Raidou's shoulder. Maybe it was all in his head. Maybe he was just insane. "How do you know if you're wake-dreaming?"
"You don't. Just lie down and ask yourself, would this logically happen?"
Well, leaving someone because they'd cheated on you sounded pretty damn logical to him. He curled closer. "I didn't mean to," he murmured.
"Well, of course you didn't mean to get hit by a jutsu. Nobody means to get hit by an enemy jutsu. The rest, we know you did mean, and you're a fucking asshole. How can you not mean an erection, anyway?"
They knew. But he hadn't told them. But--Hayate pulled away, trying not to be sick. "I--it was just--" he shook his head, caught himself on the counter--dizzy, too tired--and started toward the front door. "I'm gonna go, okay?" He couldn't be there. Didn't want to hear Raidou's hate. Couldn't blame the man for it, because he hated himself.
"No, if you're starting to have waking hallucinations you should stay here. Before you accidentally go out and fall on someone, dick-first."
Hayate flinched. Raidou was right; if he started hallucinating he could hurt someone. He was less worried about hurting himself. He was disgusting and terrible and he wanted to die.
Genma padded out from the back room, sleep-rumpled. He smiled when he saw Hayate. "Oh, hey, Haya-chan, you whore."
Hayate recoiled, cringing against the door. "I--I am not!"
"Okay, fine, we'll stop calling you that," Genma said, a little taken aback.
He took a deep breath, looking up, surprised at Genma's upset tone. Not angry--upset. "You will?"
"Course we will, whore."
Hayate's hands twisted in his shirt. "But--you said you'd stop--"
"We did. Slut."
Hayate flinched as if struck.
Genma walked over, took him by the elbow and pulled him to the couch. "Just lay down."
"Don't wanna lay down," he whimpered, but did as he was told, head in Genma's lap and arms over his face. Hands smoothed over his back and his hair, trying to rub away tension even while the men growled at him, calling him slut and whore and every other applicable name. He flinched and tried not to cry, and knew that when he got through this, they'd make him leave.
He couldn't blame them.
**
Ibiki walked the STD report over himself, since he was heading that way and he figured Hayate would want the results as soon as possible. Besides, he'd heard that the kid had been hit by one of those nasty-ass anti-sleep jutsus, and he wanted to check on him.
"Make the rabbit stop!" he heard before he'd even knocked on the door.
Ibiki sighed and knocked on the door anyway. After a few minutes a tired-looking Genma answered.
"How's he doing?"
"About as well as you'd expect," Genma said. "All his fun dreams are apparently going wrong for him."
"Well, physically he came back with everything clean," Ibiki said, stepping inside and setting the folder on the table. "He'll need to come back in for another check-up once the jutsu's worn all the way off, but . . ."
Hayate stumbled into view, bags under his glassy eyes. "'Scuse me," he said, ducking past both men, grabbing the envelope and bolting for his orchid room. The door slammed behind him. He put the envelope next to the biggest orchid and waited until the petals had grown over it. Good, now it was hidden and safe. The pixies would take it from there.
With the evidence hidden, maybe he could convince them it hadn't happened. He could tell them--tell them--
He hadn't *meant* to. He turned and walked out of the room, skirting the cake-eating alligator. Back in the kitchen, he stared at Ibiki. "You have a voice like green oatmeal," he said solemnly.
"I think that means hi," Genma whispered.
"And you look like fried eggs," Ibiki said back.
Hayate put a hand to his face. "You mean I've gone sour dough?"
". . . Yes."
Hayate smiled. "Awwwww . . . you're so nice, Mister Corncob. Truffle." He grinned.
"O-kay, Haya-chan, back to the couch," Genma said, grabbing him around the waist and trotting him back to the living room.
"Watch out for the snake," Hayate told him, nearly sending them both to the floor when he tried to avoid the quicksand pit. "The jelly beans are mad," he added. "Let's get naked and play dominos!"
Ibiki watched them. "So we're looking at day . . . seven of sleep deprivation, then?"
"You can tell just by looking?" Genma asked.
"Oh, yes. Food allegories always show up on day seven," Ibiki answered, then pointed out, "I have his report, you know."
"Eh, I wasn't really sure how many days it'd been. We're kind of sleeping in six-hour shifts so that he's not alone. I'd hate for the purple bunny-fly to tell him to drink bleach or some shit like that."
"Yes, the purple bunny-fly can be a real bastard. You should be writing some of this down. It'll be priceless when he comes out of it."
"Oh, we've got pictures," Genma assured him.
"No more bloody monkey wings!" Hayate shouted.
"So, we haven't really been able to get much of his mission out of him," Genma said, sitting down and letting Hayate half-curl into his lap again. "Does any of this stuff he's yelling have anything to do with things that actually happened on his mission? Or is this all just sleep stuff?"
"Mostly just sleep stuff. Has he been yelling anything about old women?"
"The nipples keep *moving*," Hayate muttered.
"Well, he wasn't before now!" Genma said, vaguely annoyed.
"Oops."
Hayate looked Genma right in the eyes and said forlornly, "I need a blueberry winkydink."
"It's in the other room, you can play with it when you're better."
"I will pay you money not to explain that," Ibiki muttered.
"And she's really really unhappy with me," Hayate added. "And she might eat your toes."
Genma just looked at Ibiki and looked back down. "It's okay, honey, your toes are safe now."
The reassurance seemed to bring Hayate near anxious tears. "Really?"
"Yes, really, I promise."
"I don't wanna die in my sleep. Or with cantaloupe."
"We'll make sure you don't die in your sleep. We will gut you like a fish. You lying, cheating little bastard."
Hayate whimpered and buried his face. "'M *sorry*."
Ibiki arched an eyebrow. "He hasn't told you yet."
"Shhhh," Hayate hissed into Genma's groin. "The pixies might hear."
"What hasn't he told me?" Genma asked, then looked down. "Hayate, honey, what haven't you told me about your mission?"
". . . Nothing," Hayate said slowly. Then he turned his head and looked up at Genma with one eye, checking to see if the man believed him.
"You're a lying little whore!" Genma yelled down.
Hayate screamed.
"Confess and be forgiven by fire!"
Hayate leapt off the couch, and Genma's head burst into flames.
"You're killing me with the fondue of your untruthfulness!" Genma roared.
"I didn't mean to, I didn't mean to!" Hayate yelled back as Ibiki turned into a black hole. Hayate panicked and bolted, running to the bedroom. Raidou was being mauled by a giant bear, but there wasn't time to save *both* Genma and Raidou, so he grabbed the bear's fish and raced back to put out the fire in Genma's hair.
He squeezed, and the fish vomited mercury.
Genma stood there, covered in blueberry sauce from the giant dick.
"Okay, I'm going home now," Ibiki said. "Good luck! Send up a flare if you need assistance! I'll send somebody other than me."
". . . Are you okay now?" Hayate asked, trembling. Maybe--maybe--since he'd saved Genma's life, Genma would forgive him for being a lying little whore. Maybe they wouldn't take him to the forest and skin him alive. Maybe they'd stop catching fire and bear-wrestling. He didn't want to die. Didn't want them to die. Didn't want to leave. He'd fucked everything up. Or maybe it wouldn't count, since he was killing them with untruthfulness anyway.
"Hayate, what do you think you're holding?" Genma asked finally.
"A fish." Hayate waved it around, then realized it didn't look like a fish anymore. Huh.
"Set the fish down," Genma said, looking at Raidou who was now standing in the corner of the living room, rubbing his head.
It would have reassured Hayate more if Raidou had had a face. But he didn't--just eyes and a puss-filled blob. Blue cheese crumbled off his fingers. "'M not putting the fish--" only now it wasn't a fish, and he was so confused-- "down. Not until you promise not to die. Or kill me."
"We promise not to die or kill you. We're just going to leave you alone in the woods until you're consumed with guilt over your horrible misdeed," Raidou gurgled out of the black hole in his knee. After a moment a squirrel came out and squeaked, "I'm eating his brain!"
"I--I already feel guilty," Hayate whimpered. "Do I have to stay in the forest? I want to stay here. I'm sorry."
"No, you don't have to stay in the forest," Raidou said, confused. "That's where the bear is!"
Hayate stared. He trembled all over, using the not-fish for balance.
Genma, charred and covered in silvery blobs that kept smiling at Hayate, came over and wrapped his arms around the younger man, making Hayate drop his not-fish. "We're just going to let the minnows eat you, fuckwad."
Hayate screamed and felt the minnows slide wet and slick into his shirt. He stomped at Genma's toes and jumped back again. "I don't want the minnows to eat me!" But it was too late--they were tearing into his flesh, chewing and biting. He screamed and slapped at them, and the entire house turned into glass and there was a giant outside grabbing and shaking them and he felt himself hit the floor as the giant yanked the house UP.
And then it went black.
**
"Is he asleep? Or is he just unconscious?" Raidou asked, nudging Hayate with his toe.
Genma leaned down, checked. "He's *finally* asleep. Okay. I'm going to go take a shower, and I'll clean up the syrupy mess if you strip him down and put him to bed."
**
Hayate woke four days later. He cracked an eyelid, saw an IV traveling from a bag beside the bed to his elbow. There was a strap across his chest and the arm with the IV, obviously to keep him from moving. He fumbled for a buckle with his free hand, and finally managed to get loose. He sat up and dragged himself to his feet, then staggered out to the kitchen, using the IV stand as a crutch.
Raidou and Genma were both there, and he remembered more than he really wanted to about the weird waking-dreams. Genma was not, in fact, charred. And they didn't own a giant fish.
He didn't want to know.
On the table was the yellow envelope where his STD reports were. He flinched. "Oh. Um." He eyed the IV catheter in his arm and debated just tugging it out. "That's, um, mine." He'd thought he'd *hidden* the damn envelope.
Under the rapidly growing orchids. Oh, crap. That probably hadn't happened. He *knew* he should have gone for under the tiger.
. . . Wait.
"Would you like me to take that out for you?" Genma asked. "It's just a saline solution so you didn't get dehydrated."
Hayate just nodded gratefully and sat down at the table. His eyes flickered around as Genma walked over. Did they know? Had he told them? He thought they already knew . . . from the things they'd said, he was certain they did. But he couldn't be sure. Maybe he still had a chance. He didn't want to leave.
But they definitely looked annoyed. And the folder was right there.
Genma took the needle out carefully, used an alcohol wipe to swab the area, and put a band-aid on it. The band-aid was pink. It had Hello Kitty on it.
Hayate stared at it. Then looked at Genma. "Don't we have other band-aids?"
"Well, we're upset with you," Raidou said.
Hayate wilted. He'd been hoping they hadn't *looked* at the envelope, since they hadn't yelled at him or anything. ". . . You are?" He asked weakly. Oh, gods. They were going to throw him out after all. He hated himself.
"Yes. You lied to us."
". . . Not *really* . . ." he mumbled.
"You hid something from us. Well, you tried. In the future you shouldn't mutter about how the pixies are protecting the treasure."
". . . Yeah, that probably wasn't the greatest," he said quietly. "Are . . . you really mad?" he asked, only barely keeping the tremble from his voice.
"Yes," Raidou said, matter of factly.
Hayate chewed on his lip, remembering too well all the things they'd said to him. "Do you still want me to leave?"
"No. No, we don't want you to leave, we just want you to promise not to lie to us anymore," Genma said, sitting back down and leaning on Raidou's shoulder.
Hayate tried not to look at them, all cuddly and not-with-him. He was trying to figure out how to learn what they knew without actually *asking.* Because they hadn't *said* what they knew, and they weren't making him leave, so they might not know anything. If they didn't know anything, then he wasn't going to tell them. But if they'd found out he'd slept with someone else, he'd *cheated* on them, or if he lied about it and got caught, they wouldn't want him around. But if he lied and *didn't* get caught, he didn't have to leave.
He'd do anything not to leave. Gods, he could barely breathe.
"You're really terrible at lying when you're not in mission mode," Genma said.
Hayate flinched. How was he supposed to get into mission mode in his own home? Damn it!
"That doesn't mean try," Raidou said sternly.
Hayate tried to try without looking like he was trying.
"Knock that off!" Genma snapped.
"Sorry," Hayate mumbled. Damn it, they were getting angrier. They hadn't seemed *all* that angry before, but now they were. He could hear it in their voices.
He still didn't know what they knew. "Can I, um . . . take that?" He pointed at the envelope.
"Tell us about your mission."
He faked a nonchalant shrug, keeping his voice steady and tucking his scarred hands between his knees. "It sucked. I'm home. Can I have that?"
"Did it suck you or did you suck it?" Genma asked, arching an eyebrow. They were getting worried--they knew from Ibiki that the mission involved sex, but the way he was acting was just *weird.* They were concerned that something had been seriously wrong--kids involved or a goat or fecal matter or rape or *something* that had freaked him out.
Hayate paled. They knew. They *knew*, and they were never going to forgive him. The dam burst. "I--I just--I'm really sorry and I wasn't going to but I couldn't get the information any other way that I could have figured out and I knew I *should* have figured out another way but it made *sense* in mission mode and it was the quickest way without actually killing anybody--" He was almost crying, except that manly ninja ANBU men didn't cry.
But now he *was* going to get kicked out for cheating on his husband-boyfriend-lover-people.
"Were you hurt during this . . . information extraction?" Raidou asked.
"No," Hayate said softly, waiting for the metaphorical blade to fall. When they remained silent, he added, "A little grossed out . . ." They still waited. "She was really old." Hayate made a face. No one yelled at him. They weren't calling him whore or slut or anything. He couldn’t stand the silence. "And her nipples were wrinkly." He poked his fingers at nipple-level and wiggled them, too anxious to remain still.
"And it was just normal sex?" Genma clarified, just to make certain.
Hayate nodded, sinking lower in his chair. "Yeah. I'm so sorry." The last was barely a whisper.
"Oh, good. Don't scare us like that, kid," Raidou said, relieved. "We thought you'd been badly traumatized or something. Badly, badly traumatized. This is just sorta traumatized. Suck it up," he finished in an undertone.
Hayate stared at them blankly. "You mean . . . you're not mad at me?"
"Yeah, we're mad at you, you made us worry and you didn't just tell us what happened!"
"I--I thought you'd be mad 'cause I cheated on you."
"It's not cheating on a mission."
Hayate stared at them, remembering the insane days before he'd fallen asleep. So much of what he remembered had been a waking dream, and waking dreams started with auditory hallucinations . . . "So the part where you said I was a whore, that was a dream, right?" Hayate asked slowly.
"We've never called you a whore."
He sniffled--NOT that he was *really* sniffling like *crying*, because he was a manly ninja ANBU-man--and rubbed his nose with the back of his wrist. His mind chewed over what they'd said, the reality slowly sinking in. They weren't going to make him leave. They weren't even angry. "So . . . I'm forgiven?" He smiled hopefully.
"We weren't mad at you about that in the first place. Just tell us next time, okay? It's not cheating on a mission. Genma's slept his way out of problems before, too."
"Hey! It's not like I'm the only one!"
"You more often than me," Raidou said.
"You do have more of a 'fuck-me' air," Hayate pointed out, relief making him almost giddy.
". . . Because youuuu never act slutty, either," Raidou said sarcastically.
Hayate looked innocent. "I have no idea what you're talking about."
**
Several days later, Hayate sat at the kitchen table doing one of his absolutely favorite past times: watching Genma, while Raidou made breakfast.
"Would you still like me," he asked slowly, "if I wrote a really funny story, and then in the last chapter I made it sad?"
"It depends," Raidou said, thoughtfully. "Do you make the main character you've gotten everyone to love die in a fire?"
Hayate thought about that for a while. "No," he said. "Well. Maybe." Then he grinned. "No. But I might tell people I would."
"So long as I wasn't that person, I wouldn't even be mad," Genma reassured him.
Hayate grinned impishly, and sipped his coffee.
*****************