if the pieces fit
if the pieces fit
1,837 words | 2min
Sometimes twelve steps are a lifetime away.
if the pieces fit
Taemin is six years old and Minho is eight. They’re best friends and when you’re six years old, that’s all that matters.
They build castles and fight dragons. They dream. And they promise each other they’ll be together forever and ever and ever and ever because how would Taemin play robot-fighter-dinosaur without Minho?
Minho is eight and is told by his classmates that he’s really too old to be playing with a baby. He doesn’t really care what his classmates say but his grades are slipping due to one too many afternoons in the park with Taemin.
Taemin sits in the sandbox waiting for his Minho-hyung. It’s Thursday.
(On Thursday, they always fly kites even though Taemin doesn’t have his own yet. Besides, Minho always brings two.)
It’s six in the evening and the sky is painted scarlet. Taemin knows he should be going home or his mother will worry.
His mother worries anyways and doesn’t stop worrying until she finds Taemin huddled in the sandbox at the park hours later when the sky is inky and dotted with stars.
He doesn’t start crying until his mother pulls him away from the sandbox. He doesn’t stop crying until he falls asleep.
(This is the first - but it won’t be the last - time Minho leaves Taemin behind.)
*Taemin is twelve and Minho is fourteen. They’re young and reckless and when you’re fourteen, you feel like you can conquer anything.
They sometimes hang out on weekends to ride bikes and play video games. They breathe. But normally Minho’s too busy with football practice to actually make these meetings but he really, really, really tries so Taemin forgives him.
(It doesn’t make it okay.)
Taemin is twelve but he rarely hangs around the kids in his grade; he’s kind of soft-spoken and kind of normal so no one pays him much mind. His classmates have long accepted the fact that the bright-eyed boy would rather sneak down to the football field to watch the upperclassmen practice than eat his lunch in the classroom. Everyone likes Taemin but Taemin still likes Minho better.
At the moment, Taemin and Minho are on the top of the biggest hill in town, straddling their bicycles. Taemin’s scared but Minho has assured him that it’s going to be fun and you wouldn’t want to miss it for the world. So Taemin watches Minho zoom downhill on his red bicycle, going so fast that soon he’s a blur. Taemin thinks that he might be feeling a little sick but Minho grins up at him from the bottom of the hill so Taemin takes in a deep breath and takes off.
He doesn’t make it to the bottom.
Somewhere in the vertigo, a mailbox appears and Taemin’s bike runs straight into it and Taemin flips over the handlebars. He breaks his right wrist and scrapes his whole arm raw.
Minho runs up to him with words tumbling out of his mouth: areyouokayi’msosorrytaemin-ahi’msosorryi’msosorryi’msorryi’mso -
Taemin tries to put on a brave smile for his Minho-hyung because really it’s not his fault that Taemin stupidly didn’t see the mailbox. He lets Minho help him up and hobbles to the hospital with an arm around Minho’s shoulder and Minho’s fingers clutching at his waist.
(This is the first time Minho inadvertently breaks something of Taemin’s but it’s not the last thing and definitely not the most precious.)
*
Being sixteen sucks because Minho is eighteen and too busy with his own life to care about Taemin’s. Taemin knows it’s unfair because he’s just taking out all of his frustrations on Minho. But he’s sixteen and a teenager so he’s at least allowed that much.
(Especially when it’s all Minho’s fault anyways.)
It’s really, really, really unfair that Minho is oblivious and Taemin has to suffer alone because Taemin is too much of a coward to say anything to him. Not that Taemin has many opportunities to talk to him anymore since Minho is always busy with football or finals or parties to which Taemin isn’t invited.
And on the rare occasion that Minho actually hangs out with him, all the older boy would talk about is Yuri, Yuri, Yuri.
But because Taemin is angry and impulsive and young, he can’t stop himself from yelling at Minho one day when the two of them are splayed on the couch watching cable reruns at Minho’s house. Taemin thinks he says something about kites and bikes and it’s not fair because I like you and you don’t even know and it’s not fair because I don’t know how it started and how to stop it even though I really wish I did but am really glad I don’t.
He thinks he might have said something else too but he can’t remember because in the next moment Minho is hugging him and murmuring it’s okay Taemin-ah it’s okay I understand into his hair. They sit there for a while and Minho tells him how he wishes Taemin told him sooner because I love you Taemin-ah but I know you’ve always looked up to me as a hyung so if I were to confess, I’d be taking advantage of your affections for me and I couldn’t do that to you, not to you Taemin-ah, never to you.
As Taemin watches the sunset out the window, he thinks that it’ll all be fine and this is happily-ever-after.
Then Yuri knocks on the door and Minho answers and the whole thing falls apart with two words: I’m pregnant.
The worst part is, Taemin can’t even get mad at Yuri because her eyes are red and puffy like she’s been crying all night and longer and her shoulders are slumped in absolute defeat; the one time he catches her gaze, the eyes that look back at his are dead. Instead he feels so angry at Minho that he thinks it causes him physical pain and he keeps thinking why why why why why.
(It doesn’t hit him until later that the pain might have come from his heart breaking into a million little pieces.)
It’s not fair when you’re sixteen and your best-friend just knocked up a girl in a bout of drunken teenage stupidity.
*
Somewhere along the lines, age and birthdays don’t mean much anymore. But it certainly shouldn’t be when Taemin is only nineteen.
College is nice, he supposes, well, his friends certainly are. Sometime in high school, Taemin shed his quiet personality and is now a veritable social butterfly. He laughs at all the right times and always has something interesting to share. And his pretty face certainly helps.
Which is why he’s currently seeing Yoona who is three years his senior and causing quite a stir on campus. Truth is, there’s no romantic spark between the two; there might have been when they first met but like all of Taemin’s other romances, it always fades into nothingness.
(This isn’t true because ever since Taemin was sixteen he’s had a dull ache in his chest.)
But Taemin likes Yoona and Yoona likes Taemin; they’re good friends and the relationship they have works.
On Thursday Yoona calls to ask if Taemin wouldn’t mind accompanying her to a birthday party that Saturday. Taemin agrees readily.
On their way to the party Saturday afternoon, Yoona tells him a little more about the hostess; she was an upperclassman of Yoona’s at the college until a couple years back when she just suddenly dropped out. This is the first time Yoona has seen her since then and she tells Taemin how excited she is and that she’s really happy that he’s agreed to come. Taemin tells her that he’s happy to see her happy and she laughs at the corniness of the sentiment.
Taemin realizes how horribly wrong everything has gone when they arrive at the door and Yuri is on the other side holding a toddler while a colourful banner overhead proudly proclaims Happy 2nd Birthday Yoogeun.
Afternoon blurs into evening and sometime during the processions, Taemin loses Yoona to the crowd. He wanders around the admittedly small house looking for her so that they can get the hell out of this place before -
Minho finds him in the cramped den-cum-study.
They’re close enough that Taemin can smell the alcohol on Minho’s breath. He instinctively backs away but Minho pushes forward until Taemin is backed into a corner.
When he finally meets Minho’s eyes, he doesn’t think he’s seen anyone look sadder.
Finally Minho whispers I missed you to the air.
And Taemin feels everything he’s tried to forget hit him and he almost reels. He wants nothing more but to shout at Minho you’ve ruined everything; we could’ve been perfect but you ruined everything.
He’s surprised to hear not his own voice but Minho’s: Taemin-ah, I’ve ruined everything - for Yuri, for Yoogeun, for us - and I’m trying to be at least a good father to Yoogeun but I can’t even do that because I tried, Taemin-ah, I tried but I can’t forget you and think about what could’ve been and, oh God, I’ve missed you so damn much.
And Taemin thinks, for the first time since he was sixteen, that it’s not fair that Minho still has so much control over him. He almost acquiesces when he sees Yoogeun over Minho’s shoulder.
I can’t do this.
Not under Yuri’s roof, not with an intoxicated Minho, not to Yoogeun. He can’t become another one of Minho’s drunken mistakes when the first is staring him straight in the eye.
So Taemin pushes Minho away and marches out of the house, out of his life.
(It only takes twelve steps to get from the front door to the gate and onto the street.)
*
Yoogeun is six years old and he knows a lot of things because he’s very smart. He knows this because his umma tells him every day.
He also knows that Umma and Appa love him very much because they tell him that every day.
But Yoogeun also knows a lot of things that his parents don’t tell him.
Like how Umma and Appa don’t love each other as much as they love him or as much as they should. Every loving gesture seems to be an apology.
Like how Umma sometimes stares out the window at the university and the throngs of college students traversing the streets. When she catches Yoogeun staring, her face clouds with guilt.
Like how Appa has 1461 letters in his upper-left desk drawer addressed to Taemin-ah and written in Appa’s handwriting. When Appa comes home tonight, there will be 1462 letters.
Like how, every day, a young man walks by the house and stops just in front of the gates. He looks in and sometimes waves at Yoogeun then walks on.
And, like how Yoogeun knows that the letters in his appa’s desk will never reach their Taemin-ah and the young man by the gate will never knock on the door, Yoogeun knows that sometimes twelve steps are a lifetime away.
1,837 words | 2min
Sometimes twelve steps are a lifetime away.
if the pieces fit
Taemin is six years old and Minho is eight. They’re best friends and when you’re six years old, that’s all that matters.
They build castles and fight dragons. They dream. And they promise each other they’ll be together forever and ever and ever and ever because how would Taemin play robot-fighter-dinosaur without Minho?
Minho is eight and is told by his classmates that he’s really too old to be playing with a baby. He doesn’t really care what his classmates say but his grades are slipping due to one too many afternoons in the park with Taemin.
Taemin sits in the sandbox waiting for his Minho-hyung. It’s Thursday.
(On Thursday, they always fly kites even though Taemin doesn’t have his own yet. Besides, Minho always brings two.)
It’s six in the evening and the sky is painted scarlet. Taemin knows he should be going home or his mother will worry.
His mother worries anyways and doesn’t stop worrying until she finds Taemin huddled in the sandbox at the park hours later when the sky is inky and dotted with stars.
He doesn’t start crying until his mother pulls him away from the sandbox. He doesn’t stop crying until he falls asleep.
(This is the first - but it won’t be the last - time Minho leaves Taemin behind.)
*Taemin is twelve and Minho is fourteen. They’re young and reckless and when you’re fourteen, you feel like you can conquer anything.
They sometimes hang out on weekends to ride bikes and play video games. They breathe. But normally Minho’s too busy with football practice to actually make these meetings but he really, really, really tries so Taemin forgives him.
(It doesn’t make it okay.)
Taemin is twelve but he rarely hangs around the kids in his grade; he’s kind of soft-spoken and kind of normal so no one pays him much mind. His classmates have long accepted the fact that the bright-eyed boy would rather sneak down to the football field to watch the upperclassmen practice than eat his lunch in the classroom. Everyone likes Taemin but Taemin still likes Minho better.
At the moment, Taemin and Minho are on the top of the biggest hill in town, straddling their bicycles. Taemin’s scared but Minho has assured him that it’s going to be fun and you wouldn’t want to miss it for the world. So Taemin watches Minho zoom downhill on his red bicycle, going so fast that soon he’s a blur. Taemin thinks that he might be feeling a little sick but Minho grins up at him from the bottom of the hill so Taemin takes in a deep breath and takes off.
He doesn’t make it to the bottom.
Somewhere in the vertigo, a mailbox appears and Taemin’s bike runs straight into it and Taemin flips over the handlebars. He breaks his right wrist and scrapes his whole arm raw.
Minho runs up to him with words tumbling out of his mouth: areyouokayi’msosorrytaemin-ahi’msosorryi’msosorryi’msorryi’mso -
Taemin tries to put on a brave smile for his Minho-hyung because really it’s not his fault that Taemin stupidly didn’t see the mailbox. He lets Minho help him up and hobbles to the hospital with an arm around Minho’s shoulder and Minho’s fingers clutching at his waist.
(This is the first time Minho inadvertently breaks something of Taemin’s but it’s not the last thing and definitely not the most precious.)
*
Being sixteen sucks because Minho is eighteen and too busy with his own life to care about Taemin’s. Taemin knows it’s unfair because he’s just taking out all of his frustrations on Minho. But he’s sixteen and a teenager so he’s at least allowed that much.
(Especially when it’s all Minho’s fault anyways.)
It’s really, really, really unfair that Minho is oblivious and Taemin has to suffer alone because Taemin is too much of a coward to say anything to him. Not that Taemin has many opportunities to talk to him anymore since Minho is always busy with football or finals or parties to which Taemin isn’t invited.
And on the rare occasion that Minho actually hangs out with him, all the older boy would talk about is Yuri, Yuri, Yuri.
But because Taemin is angry and impulsive and young, he can’t stop himself from yelling at Minho one day when the two of them are splayed on the couch watching cable reruns at Minho’s house. Taemin thinks he says something about kites and bikes and it’s not fair because I like you and you don’t even know and it’s not fair because I don’t know how it started and how to stop it even though I really wish I did but am really glad I don’t.
He thinks he might have said something else too but he can’t remember because in the next moment Minho is hugging him and murmuring it’s okay Taemin-ah it’s okay I understand into his hair. They sit there for a while and Minho tells him how he wishes Taemin told him sooner because I love you Taemin-ah but I know you’ve always looked up to me as a hyung so if I were to confess, I’d be taking advantage of your affections for me and I couldn’t do that to you, not to you Taemin-ah, never to you.
As Taemin watches the sunset out the window, he thinks that it’ll all be fine and this is happily-ever-after.
Then Yuri knocks on the door and Minho answers and the whole thing falls apart with two words: I’m pregnant.
The worst part is, Taemin can’t even get mad at Yuri because her eyes are red and puffy like she’s been crying all night and longer and her shoulders are slumped in absolute defeat; the one time he catches her gaze, the eyes that look back at his are dead. Instead he feels so angry at Minho that he thinks it causes him physical pain and he keeps thinking why why why why why.
(It doesn’t hit him until later that the pain might have come from his heart breaking into a million little pieces.)
It’s not fair when you’re sixteen and your best-friend just knocked up a girl in a bout of drunken teenage stupidity.
*
Somewhere along the lines, age and birthdays don’t mean much anymore. But it certainly shouldn’t be when Taemin is only nineteen.
College is nice, he supposes, well, his friends certainly are. Sometime in high school, Taemin shed his quiet personality and is now a veritable social butterfly. He laughs at all the right times and always has something interesting to share. And his pretty face certainly helps.
Which is why he’s currently seeing Yoona who is three years his senior and causing quite a stir on campus. Truth is, there’s no romantic spark between the two; there might have been when they first met but like all of Taemin’s other romances, it always fades into nothingness.
(This isn’t true because ever since Taemin was sixteen he’s had a dull ache in his chest.)
But Taemin likes Yoona and Yoona likes Taemin; they’re good friends and the relationship they have works.
On Thursday Yoona calls to ask if Taemin wouldn’t mind accompanying her to a birthday party that Saturday. Taemin agrees readily.
On their way to the party Saturday afternoon, Yoona tells him a little more about the hostess; she was an upperclassman of Yoona’s at the college until a couple years back when she just suddenly dropped out. This is the first time Yoona has seen her since then and she tells Taemin how excited she is and that she’s really happy that he’s agreed to come. Taemin tells her that he’s happy to see her happy and she laughs at the corniness of the sentiment.
Taemin realizes how horribly wrong everything has gone when they arrive at the door and Yuri is on the other side holding a toddler while a colourful banner overhead proudly proclaims Happy 2nd Birthday Yoogeun.
Afternoon blurs into evening and sometime during the processions, Taemin loses Yoona to the crowd. He wanders around the admittedly small house looking for her so that they can get the hell out of this place before -
Minho finds him in the cramped den-cum-study.
They’re close enough that Taemin can smell the alcohol on Minho’s breath. He instinctively backs away but Minho pushes forward until Taemin is backed into a corner.
When he finally meets Minho’s eyes, he doesn’t think he’s seen anyone look sadder.
Finally Minho whispers I missed you to the air.
And Taemin feels everything he’s tried to forget hit him and he almost reels. He wants nothing more but to shout at Minho you’ve ruined everything; we could’ve been perfect but you ruined everything.
He’s surprised to hear not his own voice but Minho’s: Taemin-ah, I’ve ruined everything - for Yuri, for Yoogeun, for us - and I’m trying to be at least a good father to Yoogeun but I can’t even do that because I tried, Taemin-ah, I tried but I can’t forget you and think about what could’ve been and, oh God, I’ve missed you so damn much.
And Taemin thinks, for the first time since he was sixteen, that it’s not fair that Minho still has so much control over him. He almost acquiesces when he sees Yoogeun over Minho’s shoulder.
I can’t do this.
Not under Yuri’s roof, not with an intoxicated Minho, not to Yoogeun. He can’t become another one of Minho’s drunken mistakes when the first is staring him straight in the eye.
So Taemin pushes Minho away and marches out of the house, out of his life.
(It only takes twelve steps to get from the front door to the gate and onto the street.)
*
Yoogeun is six years old and he knows a lot of things because he’s very smart. He knows this because his umma tells him every day.
He also knows that Umma and Appa love him very much because they tell him that every day.
But Yoogeun also knows a lot of things that his parents don’t tell him.
Like how Umma and Appa don’t love each other as much as they love him or as much as they should. Every loving gesture seems to be an apology.
Like how Umma sometimes stares out the window at the university and the throngs of college students traversing the streets. When she catches Yoogeun staring, her face clouds with guilt.
Like how Appa has 1461 letters in his upper-left desk drawer addressed to Taemin-ah and written in Appa’s handwriting. When Appa comes home tonight, there will be 1462 letters.
Like how, every day, a young man walks by the house and stops just in front of the gates. He looks in and sometimes waves at Yoogeun then walks on.
And, like how Yoogeun knows that the letters in his appa’s desk will never reach their Taemin-ah and the young man by the gate will never knock on the door, Yoogeun knows that sometimes twelve steps are a lifetime away.