Disassociation with care-taking...
There are times when I'm down here where I feel so disconnected from my life in Maryland. I come down here, do chores, washing clothes and dishes to make this house the same type of house my mother lives in. Make sure my father drinks water. Tell him the plan to make sure he bathes so I can scrub off the betadine from last week.
I've had conversations with Fidget to make sure he's still real. I come to Florida and feel disassociated- do I really have a house in Maryland? A job? A cat? A partner of five years? Or is my life this, where I toddle from room to room, absent-mindedly filling out an application for licensure. Did I really earn my Masters a few months ago? Am I a crisis worker in Maryland? Did I finish that condo?
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"No one's ever scrubbed my back."
"No one?"
"Nope."
"Not even Momma?"
"Not even Momma."
My 6'2", 315-pound father sat on a hassock with his shirt off. His incisions were healing nicely, but I wanted to wipe him down since he couldn't get in the shower right away. Using a basin, I put soapy water on him, wiping off the sweat and worry he had been experiencing for the past two days. I would later go to the hospital and help my mother go to the bathroom.
I walked around that day with my father's wallet and my mother's dentures in my purse, then chuckled to myself.
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I was diagnosed with a pinched cervical nerve, the pain in my shoulder for the past month and a half not actually pain in my shoulder but radiating from my neck. I took my day off to take myself and my cat to the doctor's; she got a clean bill of health, I got prescriptions and a referral for PT.
But the pinched nerve wouldn't help my mother transfer to her bed. I picked her up out of her wheelchair and put her back in bed, the nurse amazed at my strength. I told her to look at my father; I had supported him getting up the previous night.
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Care-taking does weird things to your brain. You're unsure of what to really do in your own house once you return. I have these spats of being overproductive and thinking I could do all the things, then I get notifications about two upcoming flights back to back to Florida in December. There's no way I could do anything in my house when I'm sleeping in Florida for four nights and in Maryland for three.
It's going to be a rough couple of months, but this is the time for it to be rough. I'm thankful that I do have this work schedule to allow for this, that I can pick up some overtime here and there, and do physical therapy to right myself. Maybe we won't fully decorate for the holiday, maybe we won't be able to complete our bathroom this year, but when he picks me up from somewhere in Alexandria tomorrow, it'll be good to see him and return to our little life...
... even if this will just end up being a ridiculous story we tell our children in the future.
I've had conversations with Fidget to make sure he's still real. I come to Florida and feel disassociated- do I really have a house in Maryland? A job? A cat? A partner of five years? Or is my life this, where I toddle from room to room, absent-mindedly filling out an application for licensure. Did I really earn my Masters a few months ago? Am I a crisis worker in Maryland? Did I finish that condo?
=====
"No one's ever scrubbed my back."
"No one?"
"Nope."
"Not even Momma?"
"Not even Momma."
My 6'2", 315-pound father sat on a hassock with his shirt off. His incisions were healing nicely, but I wanted to wipe him down since he couldn't get in the shower right away. Using a basin, I put soapy water on him, wiping off the sweat and worry he had been experiencing for the past two days. I would later go to the hospital and help my mother go to the bathroom.
I walked around that day with my father's wallet and my mother's dentures in my purse, then chuckled to myself.
=====
I was diagnosed with a pinched cervical nerve, the pain in my shoulder for the past month and a half not actually pain in my shoulder but radiating from my neck. I took my day off to take myself and my cat to the doctor's; she got a clean bill of health, I got prescriptions and a referral for PT.
But the pinched nerve wouldn't help my mother transfer to her bed. I picked her up out of her wheelchair and put her back in bed, the nurse amazed at my strength. I told her to look at my father; I had supported him getting up the previous night.
=====
Care-taking does weird things to your brain. You're unsure of what to really do in your own house once you return. I have these spats of being overproductive and thinking I could do all the things, then I get notifications about two upcoming flights back to back to Florida in December. There's no way I could do anything in my house when I'm sleeping in Florida for four nights and in Maryland for three.
It's going to be a rough couple of months, but this is the time for it to be rough. I'm thankful that I do have this work schedule to allow for this, that I can pick up some overtime here and there, and do physical therapy to right myself. Maybe we won't fully decorate for the holiday, maybe we won't be able to complete our bathroom this year, but when he picks me up from somewhere in Alexandria tomorrow, it'll be good to see him and return to our little life...
... even if this will just end up being a ridiculous story we tell our children in the future.