[cancer] More detailed thoughts on mortality

[jaylake]

Recently I observed:
It occurred to me recently that one way to think about my cancer risks is that we're all dying, I'm just probably dying a little faster than most of my peers.

Somewhat in parallel to that and a few days later,

Comments

[cathshaffer]

I remember a time when I, too, would have chosen to live forever, to always see what comes next. Now that I've started the process of paying that emotional price, I realize it is intolerable. I simply couldn't outlive everyone I love, over and over and over again. Think about it. Living forever would mean attending your children's funerals. And your grandchildren's. And great grandchildren. It would mean forming new attachments only to lose those loved ones, too. It would mean trying to figure out if it's worth getting a new puppy for the 100th time, when all too soon it will be time for that last trip to the vet. Loss leaves tracks on our heart that can't be erased. This, I now understand, is why old people so often seem so sad. I don't want to live forever. I'm not sure I even want to live longer than average.

[torreybird]

Exactly this, and more: Time wounds all heels, and I'm no exception. End of life is not scarier than life everlasting.

In my late 20s, one of the kindest men I know pointed out that I had spent half my concious life in active disbelief of my own mortality, and the other half in active anger that someday I would die. "I need to go out there," I said, "and do the hard work of love. And there's not enough time."

I still suffer from not enough time. My consolation, lately, is to make sure I'm all used up when my clock runs out, whenever that will be.

[mlerules]

Can you only undergo one of each type of chemo treatment in your lifetime?

[jaylake]

In effect, yes. And my particular variety of cancer has three standard treatment courses.

[autopope]

Any cancer cells which survive a particular type of chemotherapy are immune to it. If you undergo treatment A and then treatment B, any metastic cancer that crops up is already immune to both A and B so you need to go on to C.

New cancers take a long time -- years -- to proliferate from a single malfunctioning cell, so there is virtually no possibility that you've been struck by lightning twice and that it's a new cancer that has only gotten started after finishing treatment A and which therefore isn't immune to treatment A ... unless many years have elapsed. Hence the rule of thumb that you're not declared cured of a given cancer until five years after it was extirpated.

On the up side ...

Jay's been undergoing treatment since 2008. The longer he holds out, the greater the probability that a new treatment will make it into clinical use. So there are only three chemo strategies available now, but if he can hold out until, say, 2013 or 2014, something new may come along. I hope.

[mlerules]

Thx for info.

[cathshaffer]

Yep, living forever is unappealing to me. But I do want at least my alotted three score and ten, and it's a terrible thing to be potentially facing death at a younger age. There's no upside to that.

[mcjulie]

I won't see how the stories come out.

That's exactly it. I can't pretend to really understand what you're going through, but when I think about my own death, that's exactly the thing that bothers me.

But still, when you do make it to part II of The Hobbit, we should have a big effin' party.

[jaylake]

I'm all for a big party!

Re:

[mcjulie]

It's a plan, then. The Big Jay Lake Hobbit Part II bash. What the heck, we should have a party when Part I comes out. What's Portland's nicest first run theater?

Re:

[jaylake]

First run theatre? Hmm, we'll have to find out. I go to Clackamas mostly, which seems fine.

[shelly_rae]

I've spent most of my life mourning for the loses cancer brought me. Children, family, love. But living with cancer is the life I have. My cancer had almost 100% morbidity when I was diagnosed in 1981 and it stole years of my life then. Instead of taking 4-5 years to get a degree it took me 10. I'll never have kids and I cannot adopt. Cancer came back again and again and it will probably kill me. Cancer gave me a relationship with you and eventually took that away too.

Unlike you, I've dealt with my cancers on my own. You are lucky to have community surrounding you, family to love and a daughter. The Child is a wondrous gift, spending time with her now is what is most important and would be whether or not you had/have cancer. I'm glad you figured that out.

Be well.