VividCon 2007, part 2
Continued from previous post.
Saturday
Saturday morning started out nice and lazy. I wore my "Talk Nerdy to Me" shirt since I had my panel coming up that day. I met up with Laura, Ian, HL, Flo, DB, Sweet, and Zen in the con hall for good morning chat. At 10 we made our way into the first panel, "External Aesthetics", moderated by Ian and Killa. I sat with HL, Laura, Zen, and Eunice, but it was a full house with standing room only in the back. This panel was about looking at styles in vidding taken directly from other sources like film, advertising, etc. Ian is a damn walking media encyclopedia, and I am constantly impressed with how fucking smart he is. Killa had to miss the first part of the panel, but she eventually joined us, yay! I saw lots of film clips (old and new) that I'd never seen before, and it helped me appreciate really stylistic vids even more. There is so much out there that can be done, and maybe someday I'll learn the software necessary to do it. They spent some time looking at Nicky's "Post Blue" vid, which has the awesome scrapbook style bridge that always wows people. We also looked at a vid with the "Sin City" effect (noir with selected color). Since the vid only used the color red, someone called it "Pleasantville with blood," with Zen then called "Unpleasantville." Ha! This was all in all a really interesting panel, and I imagine that Killa and Ian could've gone on for hours with examples and ideas to share.
At 11 I headed back over to the vidshow room with Pips for the "Newbies Rock" show that Laura put together. It broke my heart that it was up against DB's "Vid Structure" panel, because I really wanted to attend that. But there was no way I was going to miss my vid "Save Yourself" on the big screen! God, I was so unbelievably nervous. Somehow it was completely nerve-racking to watch an old vid in the theater when I'd had absolutely no stress whatsoever about my Will & Grace vid premiering at Club Vivid. Maybe because I feel a lot stronger about the W&G vid, or maybe just because I could see everyone reacting positively (through dance!) rather than sitting quietly in a dark room JUDGING ME, heh. My vid was in the middle of the show, so I had some time to prepare myself and try to relax. Fortunately I felt like the other vids were more or less at my same skill level, so I didn't feel too blown out of the water by my other fellow n00bs (well, except Lim's "Us" at the end, but I knew that was coming). The vid right before mine was gorgeous, a Heroes vid to "Desert Rose," which is a song I've loved for years. I was trying to focus on it without worrying about the fact that my vid was next, but I think I failed. We applauded, the room went dark again, then there it was.
Dear sweet Pips was a darling and held my hand the whole time, and my heart was pounding so loud I'm surprised I could still hear the music. Laura warned me that your vids always feel a lot slower in this atmosphere, and god, she wasn't wrong. But I think it was well-received (honestly, I don't even remember. I was too focused on not having a heart attack). I don't even remember much of the rest of the vidshow, my mind was a racing blur. God, what a rush that was. It was even worse than public speaking! And yet simultaneously awesome because dude, omg, all those people saw my vid! It was the best combination of fear and squee, anxiety and excitement. I was really pleased that we had such a good turnout for the vidshow. I couldn't imagine that anyone would pass up a DB panel to watch some vids made by newbies, but a lot of people seemed interested in some fresh blood. Just another reinforcement that these people value and embrace the new folks like me. I appreciated that so, so much.
The con had pizza lunch delivered for those of us who prepaid (which I did), but they showed up an hour early, so my panel's timeslot got swapped with lunch. This ended up being a blessing, though, since it gave me an hour to chill the fuck out before having to be all leadershippy and coherent. I managed half a piece of pepperoni and called Rachael to tell her about the show. It was 30 minutes after my vid had shown, and I was still feeling it just as strongly. All my friends had gone off to eat lunch elsewhere, so I sat by myself against the wall and took lots of deep breaths and centered myself. It was actually nice to be alone for a few minutes, if only to put things on pause and start back up again once I was ready. I think that lunch was one of the most overwhelming moments of the weekend for me, second only to having to leave Sunday night. The whole experience just felt so real, so alive, and I was deep in the thick of it as it was happening. When I finished eating I had a quick chat with Ian, DB&G, and Lum who'd swung by, and they pointed me in the direction of the Wonderfalls room party which was happening, of course, in good old 702. Flo, Sweet, Green, HL, SDW, and Pips were already there. I showed up right as they put in HL's vid "Window of Opportunity," which is one of my favorites of hers. We then watched "Crime Dog," which is my favorite episode! It turns out this show is even funnier in a room full of people; I had no idea! I ducked out a few minutes before the end, though, to go set up for my panel.
For reasons unknown to me still, I bravely volunteered to create and moderate a panel at a convention I'd never been to. \o/ It's the "Newbie Vidding" panel, which I presented as a shame-free, democratic space for other people who've been vidding less than 2 years (or not at all) to come ask questions, swap tips, make friends, etc etc. I figured most people coming to VVC were probably experienced, but I couldn't be the only new person...right? I posted a poll on vividcon a few weeks ago to get a feel for how many people would come and what they wanted to talk about. From that data, I gathered that I could expect 2 people definitely, probably 5, maaaaaybe 8. Tops. And any number would've been fine with me. I just didn't want to be all alone! So imagine my surprise when people start coming in! And coming. And coming. There were 15 newbies in my panel! Three of whom hadn't even made their first vid yet! (Yay!) And jackiekjono and HL came and sat in the back to listen quietly, which warmed my heart to itty bitty bits.
For this panel, I moved all the chairs in the first few rows into a circle, and I sat down with everyone instead of standing up in the front. I wanted to make it clear that I wasn't posing as any kind of expert, that I was one of them. We only had 45 minutes, but I think we had some pretty constructive conversation given the different situations we were all in (re: experience, software, fandoms, skills, etc). We spent the first 15 minutes going around introducing ourselves and giving some stats on our vidding situation. I also had everyone write down their name, email, and lj in my notebook, and this week I'm going to email everybody the list. This informal newbie network will be a neat way to get some collective pats on the back when we complete a vid before we post it for mass consumption. We decided to start our own lj community as well to have a safe space to ask really stupid questions without bothering the vidders who have heard them a thousand times before. I was equally surprised and delighted to discover that I was pretty much the only vidder in the room still using a linear program (Ulead, instead of a non-linear like Premiere or Final Cut). And here I had my speech all prepared for why Ulead was a fantastic step between WMM and non-linear programs! It's nifty when the students surpass the teacher. I was very pleased. We chatted a bit about where to find information to get started and about how intimidating all the knowledge out there can be. Mostly I think we all came away with a feeling of camaraderie and commiseration, and that was the underlying purpose all along. I think the panel was very, very successful, and I felt great about it. Thank you to anyone reading this who attended.
Next I headed back to the vidshow room for the "Movie Vids" show. I was a little torn on what to attend in this timeslot (Ren's panel on how vids work sounded really interesting!) but I freely admit that I was swayed by the opportunity to see "Street Cafe" on the big screen. It's no lie, I'm a whore for that vid and so easy, so once I saw in on the playlist, the debate was over. I also knew and loved lierdumoa's "Girl Anachronism," Killa's "Dante's Prayer," astolat's "Uninvited," and Ian's "Heart of Funkness," so there was a nice mix of familiar and unfamiliar. The two I marked to download when I got home were Aimee's "My Demise" (The Ring) and Nicky's "Cells" (Fight Club) which I somehow hadn't seen before. Both totally amazing vids. I sat with my Pips again, of course, and she stayed with me for the vidshow that was MADE FOR ME: "Relationships Between Women". Seriously you guys, a femmeslashy vidshow! (!!!!) I was glad HL joined us, big gay vidshow OT3 that we are *g* Eunice had a Bend it Like Beckham vid, there was a Tipping the Velvet vid, there was a Lana/Chloe vid, plus Laura's "Tell Me" (Faith/Buffy) and Killa's "These Two Arms" (Xena/Gabrielle) and HL's "Tre Sorelle" (Farscape) and Flo's "Deja Vu" (Veronica/Lilly)...SO. MUCH. PRETTY. Oh, I was a happy jarrow.
At 4 o'clock, most of my friends headed over to the Town Hall on Vidding & Visibility, but I don't really do so well with academic discussion of that flavor, so I stuck around for yet another vidshow with my beloved Pips and ring_wench, "Death and Dying". One of my favorite Dexter vids was in here (chasarumba's "Make Lemonade") along with Lum's "Art of Dying" (Kill Bill), HL's "Atropine" (Willow/Tara), SDW's "Valencia" (due South), two by Eunice, and Cherry's "Don't Panic" Heroes vid that I'd been meaning to see. It was a good show. Somewhere around this time, Pips and I started finishing each other's sentences, and this was when we decided we share a brain. The next day I clarified that further: she is the Karen to my Jack. It's so true. We even look the part.
Then it was back to Outback for dinner with SDW, Flo, Pips, and Sweet. I could barely eat anything, knowing I had my Starbuck vid premiering in two hours. I did have a drink, though, and that helped chill me out. SDW and Sweet had premiering vids, too, so we commiserated. And drank. At some point the conversation turned to a lovely story about Sweet and how she once cooked Ramen in a coffeepot, then dropped it on the floor, picked the Ramen up off the floor, picked out the fuzz, and ate it. Amazing. Premieres weren't until 7, but the line formed outside the door as early as 6:15. There were a few folks there already when we arrived (Sis and Cappy and some others). Eunice, Ian, deejay, Laura, and anoel joined us as the hallway quickly filled up to capacity. SDW and Laura had already promised to sit with me and hold my hands, bless them, so at least I wasn't worried about not having any moral support. And I knew I wasn't until the second half, so I could spend the whole first half relatively stress-free. Yay.
I gave Sweet a shoulder massage while we waited, and Ian (unknowingly) did something very very cool--he randomly asked me (quite publically and without preface) how I decided to go with the name John. This might seem like the kind of thing that I would hope accompanied some discretion or disclaimer, but I was actually kind of thrilled in that moment that he asked so offhandedly, so conversationally. It was like asking me where I was from or what my favorite band is. That simple question carried with it so many positive implications--that he knew I was trans (which I was unsure of); that most of the people sitting there probably knew too (which I was also unsure of); that even if they didn't know, they wouldn't care (which I was glad of); that he/they knew I was very open to talking about it; that he/they want to know more about me; the list goes on. I've wasted plenty of brain energy in the past worrying about if I would be accepted by the almost exclusively female vidding community since I presented as a guy, and wondering how to let people know that I am actually female without making a big deal out of it. But it's never been an issue, not even for a second, and I've never felt like I was anything other than included no matter what these people knew about my status. So, anyway, that was pretty fucking cool and I realize now I never did tell him that.
Premieres was a pretty interesting experience for me. I knew very little of the source in the vids (which had been a running theme throughout the weekend, actually. I estimate that I only knew about 1/4 to 1/3 of the source fandoms). And just judging from some of the vid review comments the following day, I do have a different taste for vids than many of my peers. But that's fine and still valid and all. It was just something I noticed. Once nice thing that came out of the first half of Premieres was I found my con song. A year ago it was Nickelback's "Savin Me" for Booster Blowout, then the Flan debacle brought me Breaking Benjamin's "Forget It." VividCon gave me Daughtry's "It's Not Over." Absolutely perfect. I have a feeling that's going to be on repeat for awhile.
There were many vids in the first half that did absolutely nothing for me, but there were also some truly spectacular vids, particularly Ian's "Rodeohead," which blew everybody away. I especially love the "copy that, God loves his children" part, hehe. My only grudge against it is that I've been planning to do a big gen Firefly vid for Premieres next year, but I can't follow that now. Damnit. That is very disappointing to me. But there will always be more vid ideas. I also really enjoyed the BSG vid "Signal to Noise" by Keely, which presented the show in what felt like a fresh way to me. Eunice's "Moons of Jupiter" was delightful even though I don't know Doctor Who, and Destina's SPN vid "Want" really wowed the crowd. But the show-stealer, in my opinion, was Sweet's Dexter vid, "West of Her Spine." Of all the vids this year, that one had people talking the most afterward and it totally creeped everyone out. She did some fantastic work there.
At intermission, the reality of what was coming really started to sink in. I jokingly came to terms with my anxiety by saying if my vid got a bad response, I could just blame it on SDW (my beta), heh. We were amused to find that we were almost sitting right in a line of show order, since cesperanza had been in the front, then SDW and me, then Sis was behind us (her & Lum's vid was between mine and SDW's). There were lots of deep breaths and "you'll be fine!"s from everyone, and I hated feeling like I was accidentally making too big a deal out of it than it was. But they all reassured me they remembered their first premiere and how stressed they were (Laura threw up beforehand, I believe), so it was sincere sympathy and nobody told me to shut the hell up. And I was thinking back to how I felt after "Save Yourself" earlier that day and wondering if this would be worse given the fact that it was a vid no one had seen that now everyone was going to see. And Premieres is a pretty big deal. I got a lot of supportive hugs before intermission was over, and Laura and SDW reassured me that the vid was good and it would go over well. Still, I was pretty goddamn nervous. I was a Premieres virgin, after all! Then the lights went down and there was no turning back.
SDW's Children of Men vid, "The Loyal," totally blew me away. I really want to see that movie now. And get the song. And watch the vid again. A lot. It about made me cry. Absolutely stunning. I did my best to pay attention to Lum & Sis's "Women's Work" (SPN), which was an interesting and compelling commentary on SPN and the way it portrays and treats women, but I could feel my heart starting to pound already just knowing I was up next. I owe that vid another watch. As soon as I was done applauding Lum and Sis, I took SDW's and Laura's hands and held on for dear life. God, the black empty space before the opening titles felt like FOREVER. And then there it was. Falling From the Sky. Vid by jarrow. Starbuck took off toward the stars, and I tried not to freak the fuck out knowing it was completely out of my hands.
By the first chorus, my pulse was like a sledgehammer in my head. It looked so beautiful on the big screen, and even though I could see miniscule timing mistakes, I didn't care. I'd done it. I was showing my big baby, this piece of my soul to the vidding world. I don't know it if sped by or went slowly, all I know is that SDW and Laura were still holding on tight to me at the end, and as the end credits came up, my head sank down with my hands on my neck as I took a deep breath of relief. And there was cheering, not just polite applause. They really liked it. I had really done it. I survived a VVC Premiere. They called them the Oscars of the vidding world, and it's no wonder. I felt like a bonafide movie star. A shaking, anxiety-ridden, heart-pounding movie star. And you know, I felt much better after my Premiere than after "Save Yourself." Not just because I'd been through that before, but because I felt so much stronger about the vid. Scared as I was, I trusted my friends and my gut that it would be okay. And it was. It really was.
I enjoyed the second half of Premieres much more than the first, overall. It felt really strange not having another vid of my own to look forward to, though. You know I like having stuff ahead of me. Fortunately, having vids from HL and DB definitely made up for it. HL did a gorgeous Mal/Inara vid ("Nothing New") that warmed my heart, and DB amazed us all with her Pan's Labyrinth vid "Cosmia" that proved I have absolutely no idea what that movie is about. It was 5:30 long, but I was enthralled for every second. Like everything else she does, it totally stunned me. My favorite vid of the show, though, was actually sandwiched between them by a vidder I didn't even know. And while it's going to break la_cspan's heart to hear that someone already vidded her most amazing idea, I think she will be extremely pleased to see the result. Yes, my friends, there is now an incredible Stargate:Atlantis vid to "We Built This City." The crowd went into hysterics, y'all, me included. I think I gave it a standing ovation. Holy shit. And I felt really bad for DB having to follow it, but she of course totally held her own and blew us away anyway.
Of all my memories from the weekend, the one I keep coming back to most is the first five minutes after Premieres ended. I think I'd been standing up for all of five seconds when DB came over to me with a big hug and a smile and said, "that was motherfrakking gorgeous." Holy shit. I can't believe I didn't break down then and there. Because DB's vid was my biggest inspiration, her stamp of approval meant everything in the world to me. I wanted to do her proud. I wanted my vid to be a positive reflection of what I've learned from her and how her vids have affected my life. Hopefully that came through. And on top of all that, as soon as I let go of DB I was getting hugged by SDW and Laura and HL and Flo and Pips and Sweet and Anoel and Eunice and what felt like everybody in the room, even people I didn't know! I was trying my damndest to take compliments without disregarding them, and return more than I received. morgandawn, who I'd seen online on a daily basis but hadn't met yet, made a point of coming over and introducing herself to me because she liked my vid so much. That was a huge compliment. HL told me how touched she was to be in the end credits, and I confessed I'd been nervous about doing that in case she (and DB, too) didn't like the vid. But she was grateful and so moved, and I tried to express my gratitude for everything I'd learned from her, things she didn't even know she'd taught me. It was a really sweet moment, and I'm so glad we connected like that.
Forgive me for making that paragraph All About Praising Me; it wasn't really like that. Everyone was so gracious and congratulatory to each other, and I was happy to be a part of that. All weekend I tried to give a squeeze or hug or back scratch to my friends around me as their vids played, and after Premieres I made sure to give big congratulatory hugs to everyone I knew who had one. That was important to me, not just because they deserved to know I enjoyed their vids, but also to hopefully convey that even though I must have seemed pretty caught up in my own vid experience much of the time, I wasn't at VVC for myself. I was at VVC for them. For these new friends I'd made, to be there with them in those moments when the lights went down on their vids. To let a hug express what a textual comment can't always encompass. To build memories together. I was there for their vids more than mine. How dreadfully empty the convention would be with only one vidder's work on display. It's a community activity to me; it's about sharing and exchange and celebration. And there was an incredible sense of community in that room with everyone exchanging compliments evenly and supporting each other. There was more than enough love to go around, and I felt so completely accepted and appreciated and cherished by these people I hold so dear to my heart. In that moment, all the time and work and stress and angst that went into my vid was completely worth it, tenfold. I promised myself then and there that I would do my damndest to have a Premiering vid every year I can manage it. I hope I never forget how great I felt to be standing there in a room with those people. I can't even describe, you guys. It was magical.
After Premieres we had a whopping 20 minutes to unwind and shift gears and change clothes (and get drunk) before Vid Karaoke! Basically, Ian & friends had put lyric subtitles on vids we submitted, and then we get up and sing along to them. And holy crap, was I excited about this! DB and I were ready for some HIP HOP LEEMO, my friends. Oh yes. We signed up to do Nelly Furtado's "Promiscuous" to the Starbuck/Roslin vid beerbad and I made last December. Cause, you know, Lee is being all emo because Starbuck is with Rosin and not him, and he's trying to woo her back but she won't have any of it. See? HIP. HOP. LEEMO. \o/ And DB was even kind enough to bring her Disco Starbuck outfit from last year, so she matched my brand new BSG BDUs that I bought for DragonCon. I even brought nametags that we wrote "Leemo" and "Disco Starbuck" on for extra flair, heh. Ian kicked off the show with a rousing rendition of SDW's "You Can Call Me" vid. I love that the crowd was singing along with every song. Everything is such a group event, it's a wonder we don't all fucking shower together at night. (Not that I would necessarily fight against that, mind.)
DB and I were up second *gulp!*, and we rocked it pretty hard, all things considered! For whatever reason, I mysteriously decided to switch octaves three syllables into the first chorus (...yeah, I don't know either) even though I had no idea if I could even hit those high notes. But it turns out I kind of could! And at least I never sang on her verses, which was my biggest worry, so it was okay. And super special thanks again to SDW for videotaping and Pips for taking pictures. We worked in some choreography and facial expressions (such as the Leemo pout) and it was all-around AWESOME. Maybe because I'd put just my soul onscreen for the world to see less than an hour before, but I wasn't remotely nervous to get up there and sing, not even in the slightest. (I'm sure the double shot of Bailey's I had in 702 had NOTHING to do with it...) We got great audience response, and it was so very much fun. DB is so fantastic. And also a wicked hot Starbuck, might I add. Were she unwed, I would very politely and quietly ask, probably in the form of a "circle yes/no" note, if maybe someday she would let me take her in a manly fashion. Cause she's pretty.
I sat in the front between SDW and DB for the rest of the show, singing my heart out and dancing in my chair to every song. DB cheated on me and did a duet with HL to her own vid "Volcano Girls" (it's my understanding that HL was Faith and DB was Buffy). That was also really hot. (Still shipping them, remember. Uh, both Buffy/Faith and HL/DB, I guess. Heh.) My heart also went out to a mashup of the original Leemo vid, Sweet's "You Only Tell Me You Love Me When You're Drunk" that now had audio from "The Frug" playing over it. Flo, DB, and Sweet did a lovely rendition of that which made my heart happy. Leemo was appeased. There were lots of other highlights as well. Pips blew us away with her wonderful voice, we all swayed phones during "Time After Time," Ren and Elyn rocked "St. Elmo's Fire," and Ian stole the show when he straddled the microphone stand during "There's Too Much Light in This Bar." Man, if only I'd gotten a picture of that. Karaoke was a all-around kickASS, and I'm so glad Ian came up with the idea in the first place! I'm already picking out songs for next year. First choice at the moment is actually a vid of Ian's, "I Wish I Was a Lesbian." I also think he and I should do a love ballad, but we'd have to find a really crappy vidsong first, heh.
After karaoke ended at 11 we all headed over to HL's room for yet another of Ian's amazing ideas, "Vid Mashups!" Basically, you take a vid (yours or not) and replace the audio with something else. The more things coincidentally line up, the funnier and more awesome it is. I brought a few of my own, but nothing I had was anywhere near the genius of what my friends brought. It was a packed room, most definitely a fire hazard, and we were very very loud. I still can't believe we didn't get any noise warnings, or even kicked out of the hotel. I started a list of attendees as they filed in the door, but I eventually abandoned it. Seriously, everyone I knew at the con was there, plus dozens of other people. Laura had to sit on my lap, it was so crowded! But it was a good crowded. And seriously, best part, SDW was DA-RUNK. \o/ Holy shit. May I die tomorrow if I will never again get to experience her shitfaced. That giggle made life worth living. I wrote it down in my notes and everything. I also enjoyed how, in the midst of her giggling, she insisted she's a mean drunk. Uh huh. Note to self: buy SDW chocolate vodka for her upcoming birthday. We watched mashups for over three hours straight and loved every second of it. The one that impressed me most was SDW's "You Can Call Me Jesus" which was "Jesus Walks" over her "You Can Call Me" vid. The entire thing lined up perfectly, and it was pretty damn scary to tell you the truth. I think my jaw was hanging open the whole time.
The mashup I brought was "Save Yourself" with the ever-popular song "I Think We're Alone Now" (by Tiffany, of course) over it. I'd gotten a good response to it from Rebekah, Courtney, and Eli, but I was curious to see how this crowd would take it. I was pleased, though I did HIDE IN SHAME at the horrible part near the end (when poor Sharon is getting raped...over a pulsing drum break. I KNOW, I'M A TERRIBLE PERSON. But I didn't do it on purpose!) Zen called me something jokingly mean (twisted, maybe?) and everyone said it was a compliment coming from her, heh. Later on when most everyone had left, I showed the last few folks my Starbuck vid with "The Heat Is On" over it, heh. They got a kick out of that, DB in particular (but seriously, the woman is constantly laughing in her daily life anyway, so who knows how to measure that *wink*). She did say she's thrilled to have another Starbuck vid to mashup now, yay! I also put "I'm So Excited" over my Will & Grace vid, but I wish it lined up better than it does. Oh well. (DB giggled incessantly, so not all was lost.) I'll get better at picking good songs with practice. Not that I have an extensive audio library on my laptop anyway, but we'll see. All the more reason to expand my horizons.
But enough about mine! Without a doubt, the most amazingly versatile vid for mashups is Ren's "Man in Motion" Matrix vid. Not only does it stand alone in awesomeness with the regular audio ("St. Elmo's Fire"), but it goes frighteningly well with "Elevation," "Code Monkey," and my personal favorite, "Flashdance!" The "Code Monkey" mashup ("Monkey in Motion," I think we called it) actually came on a whim of Elyn's, I think. She offhandedly mentioned the song, saying it would be good with this vid. Within fifteen minutes, Ren had secretly gotten on her laptop, created the mashup, and burned it to disc for us to watch. AWESOME. And you know, despite my skepticism, it was scarily good! There was one moment in particular where there's a line about "a girl like you" that cut right to the bad guy. Amazing. And the "Flashdance" mashup had me howling with laughter. I really need a copy of that. It's absolutely brilliant. Ren's only made this one vid, but she really doesn't ever need to vid anything else again. She can just keep putting new songs over this one and it's still the best mashup vids ever. la_cspan called me the Neo of vidding, but she was so wrong. It's Ren, dude. Totally Ren.
The only low point of the party was having to say goodbye to Flo, who had to leave VVC early. Sad! :-( We tried our best to trudge on without her. We watched a slew of other ones that I can't remember off the top of my head (seriously, THREE. HOURS.) but I know Lum, HL, Ian, and DB all had several gems to share. And Green's SPN mashup totally blew us away right at the beginning of the party. It's so fun to see what people put together, because it's usually things I never ever would've thought of. So very much fun. Near the end of the party, I moved from the floor up to the couch and Ian moved to sit between my feet. Instead, I threw my legs over his shoulders and scratched his back while he rubbed my socked feet. That's love. Ren was behind a half wall and didn't see any of this until at least half an hout later, and she was upset she "hadn't been informed of this," hehe. I thought everyone already knew I was a big gay ho. Huh. And we decided unanimously that Vid Mashups was most definitely a Bitchin Party.
Finally at 2:30 the last of us trickled out and left Ren and HL in peace. But before DB and I changed out of our BSG costumes, I insisted on some non-karaoke pictures. Gerry was kind enough to volunteer his photography services for us in the hallway, so now I have some rather badass and quite humorous Leemo pouty pictures. Good times. After another long shower I finally crashed for the night at 3:30. And maybe it's because fatigue finally caught up to me or maybe it was because all my vids were out of the way, but I slept solid through the night for the first time all weekend. Huzzah.
Sunday
My alarm was set for 9:30, but I woke up at 9, and rather than squeeze out more sleep, I decided to go ahead and pack while there was nothing going on to maximize my goodbyes time. That was definitely the best decision I made all weekend. At 9:30 I headed downstairs where everyone was eating breakfast. There was no way I could eat, but some apple juice did me good. I found Ian and sat on his lap for a bit, said hi to HL and Sis, then found Ren and clung to her for awhile. I'm so glad these people don't mind my touchy-feely nature. I'd be lost in the woods. Before the 10 o'clock event, I hit the con suite and picked up a copy of Ian's vid dvds. He has so many I haven't seen yet, so I'm looking forward to spending an afternoon experiencing them on my tv.
At 10 was the "Vid Review", where everyone offers up comments on each of the Premiering vids from the night before. It's funny, I didn't realize that this was an actual thing that happened at VVC--if I had, I might not have sent in a Premiere! I've gotten much, much better at receiving concrit since I started vidding, but I'm still quite a sensitive soul. Laura warned me that there was always the chance I might get some criticism, "though I have no idea what they'd criticize" (awww). I sat with DB&G right behind SDW and Ian and hung on for the ride. (I saved a seat for Pips but she never came! SIGH.) Four vids actually get pulled for the In-Depth Vid Review later (giving 2 vids 45 minutes of discussion where Vid Review is 28 vids in 2 hours). Other than skipping those, the moderators (Sandy and Melina) went in program order.
As I mentioned earlier, this was when I really realized how differently I react to some vids than other people do. It all ties into a post I made on vidding back in February (which it seems is what first made me visible in the community). I feel like there is a new generation of vidders coming up who emphasize more on technical and stylistic flair than deeper emotional meaning. And I'm not saying one is better or more important than the other, or that they're mutually exclusive, just starting to identify what I latch on to in vids and what qualities are in the vids I enjoy most. So when there was a vid I didn't enjoy much that most of the crowd loved or vice versa, that really stood out to me. Very interesting. And hey, it takes all kinds. Every vid has an audience somewhere.
Vid Review ended up being quite the hilarity fest, far more so than I expected it to be. "It's Not Over" was a Sam/Dean vid (complete with almost kissing!), but Sis insisted that "you can take it as a gen vid if you need to," which cracked everyone up. A few vids in, Melina pointed out that the theme of Premieres this year seemed to be: CREEPY. "We asked for less angst last year, but clearly we weren't specific enough." HA! Everyone had great things to say about Ian's "Rodeohead," and Kandy Fong said it was one of the best vids she'd ever seen in her life. Now that is a compliment! Wow. SDW and I were both secretly doing strangefandom research, it turns out, and we identified several vids we want to use in future rounds, particularly the Charlie Jade vid. At one point the Premieres dvd was skipping at the beginning of the "Head Over Feet" vid, so we saw the woman walking into the room over and over again. Appropriately, the crowd started singing "Jolene" to mimic the SGA vid we'd seen the day before that used that same effect with Sheppard. Hilarious! After watching a section of the Hustle vid, Sandy said, "it makes me want to join a life of CRIME!" We spent a quick moment on Destina's "Want" even though it was up for vid review, so Sis summed it up for us by saying, "there are some sick, sick people in this world." Heh.
And then before I knew it, it was time for the review of my vid. The very first thing Sandy and Melina said was actually the only remotely negative thing, which was that they disagreed on my song choice (but Sandy never did go into detail on why she didn't like it). Melina liked the song and how it covered both Starbuck's fall and ships being blown up. I was wondering if they were going to show a portion of my vid (which they did for about half the vids discussed), so imagine the lump in my throat when they showed what I feel is the least interesting part of the vid--the opening. Gulp. But it turns out they didn't show it to criticize it, they showed it because they liked it! Yay! And my moving titles went over well, which also pleased me (attached to them as I am). Sandy also mentioned the second verse where I intercutted Kara and Lee with the ships colliding. That's my favorite part, so I was pleased she noticed that and commented on it.
Then something happened that I totally should've seen coming but didn't--the comparison to "Cold, Cold Water," SDW's Starbuck vid. See, that vid is revered by the community at large as the ultimate Starbuck vid. It's a fantastic vid and deserves all the praise it gets, I just honestly keep forgetting about it because it's not one of my personal favorites and I don't rewatch it often. (It's totally not personal against SDW or the vid quality itself, I just can't dig the music and it's hard for me to push past that for multiple viewings, therefore it's not on my main spectrum.) I was coming from a place of DB's vid being my ultimate Starbuck vid, so I had an "oh yeah!" moment when CCW was mentioned. I found out later that SDW was just as surprised as I was (because she's ridiculously modest that way). HL and I discussed afterward that SDW doesn't realize what a huge splash her vid made on the vidding world, and that it is THE definitive Starbuck vid in most people's eyes. It's kind of funny that SDW and I, then, were the only two people in the room surprised when it came up, especially since she was the beta for mine! But knowing I had her stamp of approval helped me not feel so bad about making a vid that apparently was following too closely in her footsteps.
So anyway, the comparison to CCW was something the whole room nodded at, and the floor was open to comment about that. I was pretty much holding my breath waiting for the sky to rain down. Imagine my shock then when Killa, of all people, one of the biggest and oldest names in vidding whom I'd only met briefly the day before, speaks up on behalf of my vid. She went on and on, at least a paragraph or so, describing the things she liked about it. She said that after CCW she never thought she needed to see another Starbuck vid again, but I changed her mind and proved her wrong. She said while CCW showed the softer side, I gave Starbuck her edge again. She liked the contrast of hard drum beats in my vid with the soft percussion in CCW. She liked the bright lights and explosions against the dark sky and how I used the action shots and motion. Basically, she felt that I held my own in a realm where most everyone thought what needed to be said had already been said. And as she was speaking, the crowd was nodding along with her, and I was sitting with my elbows on my knees and my hands over my mouth, blushing like hell (so I'm told) and fighting back tears in my eyes as I soaked up her words. SDW and Ian actually both turned around to look at my reaction, knowing that hearing such glowing comments would send me over the moon. And I was. I couldn't believe it. Killa liked my vid. Most everyone liked my vid. They really, really did.
With the last stress factor out of the way, I felt much more relaxed for the rest of the review. HL and DB got wonderful comments on their vids, which pleased me. And of course, there was some hilarious commentary on "Another Sunday," the big hit the night before. Melina said, "SGA ignoramus that I am, I know for a fact that they did NOT build that city." Bwahaha. Sis spoke up and said, "no offense to any other vids in my life...but this vid completed me as a person." And while everyone was glowing at the sparkly pizzazz of it, Morgan Dawn called out, "I kept looking for the meaning!" Ha! Good times, my friends. All in all, every vid had positive things said about them, even the ones that I didn't really have anything to say about, so I was pleased to see that even things people didn't like could be stated politely and constructively. These people really are all about holding each other up. As soon as the hour was over, I made a point of finding Killa in the con suite and thanking her for the remarkable things she said about my vid. It's something I'll never forget.
Lunch was next at noon, so we headed across the street to Spontino's, this cute little hole-in-the-wall kind of place. My BLT was fantastic, thank you. Pips, SDW, DB&G shared a pizza while Ian, Eunice, and I had a great in-depth chat about my induction into the community. Of the many conversations I had over the weekend, this is the one I cherish the most. Ian spilled the beans and admitted that ever since I made that aforementioned post on vidding, I'd been secretly stalked by these people. They saw potential in me from that first moment (and even in my old crappy vids), and SDW reported back that I was fun in person as well. They sekritly got together long ago and conspired to recruit me into their gang, heh. The vid pimp was pimped! ME! I had absolutely no idea any of this was happening.
The thing y'all have to realize is that this whole time I'd been stalking them, wanting so much to be their friend as well. It was a beautiful melding of motives, and that's why everything fell into place so effortlessly when I arrived. I never had to ask if I could accompany them anywhere, it was just assumed. I was wanted. I was loved. And hopefully seeing how well we all got along in person just solidified for them (as much as it did for me) that I'm a part of this family. I can't tell you what it meant to me. What these people do for my self-esteem. I briefly told Ian and Eunice about the True Spirit debacle in 2001, about the groups I've wanted to be a part of time after time that I just didn't fit right with. But this time, they'd let me in before I even started asking. This time, it was right. I just...I'm trying to find the words and I can't. Damnit, now I'm getting teary at work. *deep breaths* Okay.
I'd just had my vidding skills and self-worth completely validated within the last hour, so you can imagine I was feeling pretty high on crack by that point. We happily sauntered back over to the hotel, and DB decided it would be fun to PLAY IN TRAFFIC. Good lord. She about gave me a heart attack. Apparently vidders are as fond of breaking jaywalking laws as copyright ones. (Oh, the things we learn at VVC.) But she lived to moderate the next panel, "In-Depth Vid Review" at 1:00, which was dedicated to examining two of the four chosen vids. The four up were SDW's "The Loyal" (Children of Men), Sweet's "West of Her Spine" (Dexter), Destina's "Want" (SPN), and Astolat's "The Adversary" (Twin Peaks). The room overwhelmingly wanted to get into the Dexter vid, so we started there. I was sitting with SDW and Ian, but SDW didn't want to be spoiled, so she left (she'd even closed her eyes during the vid premiere! What a dedicated fangirl.) Ian and I cuddled like the VVC boyfriends that we are, and when I checked in to make sure he wasn't uncomfortable, he said, "I almost didn't let you go back to your room last night!" HA! I ♥ Ian.
Sweet's vid was very creepy and even upsetting to some people who didn't know what was coming, but I thought it was fucking brilliant. The vid is about the big bad of season one, and it starts out very light-hearted and happy. By the end, you can clearly tell it's a Dexter vid, and it's downright unsettling in the best way. Cesperanza summed it up well: "It's kind of a serial killer joke. I love your eyes and your hair...you know, separately." I kept quiet during the discussion (which was pretty mixed and all over the place), but I pulled Sweet aside afterward and gave her my thoughts. Basically, this vid affected everyone, no one was ambivalent, and that's a good thing. Viewers who didn't know the show started in a happy place and then went to a place of fear. Viewers who did know the show started in a place of fear (knowing where it was going to go) and then ended in a happy place--not because serial killing is awesome, but because Sweet executed the vid so well. Either way, it was a powerful vid that got some good discussion going, and I hope she felt good about that. The panel also spent about 10 minutes talking about Destina's vid, but most of the conversation still tied back to Sweet's in some way. And I texted SDW to tell her it was okay to come back in, but she never did. SIGH. I wish there'd been time to dig into her vid, because it was one of my very favorites in the Premieres show and it deserved a lot of time for feedback.
Lum, DB&G, SDW, Ian, Green, Pips, Sweet, and I decided to skip the 2 o'clock vidshow and panel entirely in favor of playing Apples to Apples back in 702. This game is always hilarious, but this time was certainly no exception. We all got a kick out of the "zen" card played for "scary," since there was a vidder we know and love named Zen at the con, hehe. And I think DB spoke for all of us when, while revealing the played cards for that round, she said, "I always love when the 'festering wounds' show up." There were some great batches up for judgment in the short time we got to play. I had the tough decision of choosing between "witch hunts" and "rubber gloves" for "delightful." (Yes, I went with rubber gloves. No glove, no love!) SDW was the judge for one, and it didn't matter what the adjective was, all the cards were pretty random; Lum said, "Can't say we'll get too much insight into SDW on this one," and Ian retorted, "unless she goes with 'women's soccer.'" Hehehehe.
Lum totally had the "Oh my god, I can't believe you played that" moment of the night when she played the "AIDS" card for "exhausting." (SO. TERRIBLE.) Sweet had to choose "armed robbery" over it because she's too good a person, hehehe. I was pretty pleased when my "Joan of Arc" card won out for "manly" over "salsa dancing," hehe! For the "comical" card, the decision was between "beach parties," (which we substituted "bitchin parties" for, obviously) "driving off a cliff," and "Michelle Pfeiffer." Had I been judging, you know what I would've chosen. But the best round of the hour was for the adjective "explosive." The pool of cards was revealed..."mice"..."women"..."men"! HAHA. Fucking amazing. And Lum's "mice" card won out over the battle of the sexes. I like to think that the cards you end up with say something about yourself, so we called Lum's "explosive" card a commentary on her frequent menopausal hot flashes. Ian had "annoying, exhausting, spooky, dignified, and nerdy." (The last two are certainly true.) I was so very pleased with my description: "intense, swift, manly, and fabulous!" YES. (You know, except the manly part.)
As we left 702, I saw that Ian's shirt had a muffin on it, so I asked if I could call him my muffin. Then Lum asked if I was "buttering him up." (BOOO! *g*) At 3 o'clock we headed back down to the vidshow room for the final show of the con: the Challenge and Auction Vids. I'd been looking forward to this all weekend because the last vid of the con was DB's masterpiece, "Tragedy," which has been my favorite vid for months now (it's the one I chipped in $200 for). Pips and I sat with Ian, DB&G, and Lum behind us. The challenge theme this year was "faith," and there were a whopping seven vids submitted. It's double-blind, so we had no idea who made what. The very first one was my favorite, a kickass BSG vid called "Only" (later revealed to be by Cherry) about the twist at the end of season three and how it ties into everything we've learned up to that point. This vid blew me away. I enjoyed the other ones, but that one was definitely my favorite. The crowd got a kick out of the Dean/Impala OTP vidlet to Journey's "Faithfully," hahaha.
Then the auction vids kicked in around 4 o'clock. I felt really good about contributing to an auction vid because the money we spent allowed the con to buy its own AV equipment (as opposed to renting it like they've always done). DB's vid was last, so I waited patiently politely. HL started off the block with her Heroes vid that was gorgeous and made me so glad I finished the series before the con. Sis's SPN vid made the whole room full of happy. The third vid actually used the song "Save Yourself," so that was an interesting experience for me. And finally...finally...it was time for TRAGEDY. I warned DB that I was probably going to grab her in squee throughout, and she was kind enough not to switch chairs at that point. I couldn't help but dance and bop along to the music, this vid just makes me so HAPPY, you guys. Best money ever spent. Laura gets full credit for the idea, it was her baby. I was just the negligent father paying child support. And when the thunderclap approached, I turned and grabbed a handful of DB's jeans by her knee and held on tight as Spike exploded in glory before us. The crowd went wild, and it was a spectacular end to an already spectacular convention. Fucking amazing, you guys.
After the lights came up and celebratory hugs were exchanged all around, I snatched up a copy of HL's vids dvd, my copy of the auction vids dvd, and the official con premieres 4-disc dvd set. (So many vids! Yay!) I dropped my goodies off in the room and headed back for the "Calls From the Public" (Dead Dog) wrap-up panel. I sat on the floor between Sis's knees next to Ian and DB&G, so full of happy just being there but so sad that it was coming to a close. There were lots of great ideas for next year, particularly that the challenge will be "fuck you!" Brilliant. I had a vidshow idea (rarely vidded pairings, like SDW's Ray/Ray vid) but I was too shy to mention it. Shame on me. I'll bring it up later. The best part of Dead Dog was finding out that the dates for next year have been moved! YAY. They were going to be August 13-15th, which would make it extremely difficult, if not impossible, to take the time off. But because of another convention (BLESS THEM), VVC will now be August 20-22nd. I can't TELL you how happy this makes me. Now I can take Thursday and Monday off, too, and stay as long as I damn well please. Even though saying goodbye was hard enough, it really helped knowing I'd be able to come back without a problem. After the room cleared out, my friends stuck around to take group pictures that are now my happy new desktop backgrounds. I love these pictures so much. I love these people so much. They make me so very very happy.
Now that the con events were officially over, the reality that I had to leave was sinking in. It was 5:30 then, and I had a 9 o'clock flight, so I planned on heading out at 6:40. Dear sweet Pips agreed to drive me to the airport to save me cab fare, and I felt better being on my own schedule and not having to stress about that. My freinds were heading down to Outback for dinner, so I went with them just to talk. Everyone was thoroughly exhausted, but we made the most of it. Ian and I stood with my arms reaching back to wrap around him as he reached around my stomach. I told him I have absolutely no filter/shame about being very gay in public, haha. Lucky for me, he didn't mind. I kept pushing up the alarm on my phone as I realized it was going to take me longer and longer to say my goodbyes.
Finally at 6:15, right as my group was seated at a table, I began the painful process of farewell hugs. I started with the people getting seated elsewhere--Eunice and Sis and Lum, Laura and SDW (though it helped knowing I can see her anytime, really), then Ian. So many hugs, cheek smooches, and sweet words. I sat back down at the table with the other half of my group wondering how I was going to find the strength for this. I took a deep breath, stood up, and started around the circle. Anoel first, then Sweet and Ren. DB was on the phone, so I skipped her and hugged Gerry (what a trooper).
Saying goodbye to DB is when the tears really started (and didn't stop for quite some time, as you recall). I tried to find the words to express how grateful I was for everything, but it was an impossible task anyway. And then I had to say goodbye to HL and I think I said "goddamnit" as walked over to her, so frustrated that I had to leave at all. And that hug was when I lost my grip on my emotions, but she told me to breathe and held me tighter. Everything I'd been feeling all weekend was catching up to me fast, and I wasn't ready to let go of it yet. Why did I have to go back to work when everyone else was staying a whole other day? Why was it going to be another year before I saw these people again? I let go of HL and started to walk away, looking like shit I'm sure, all red-faced and runny. The last thing I heard was, "we'll miss you!" and I clung to that the whole flight home.
Pips and I headed back up to the con area so I could grab my luggage while she got her keys. Once I turned the corner and walked back down the hall alone, I broke down. I lost it. In the three years I've been on testosterone, I've only sobbed once--right after the Six Feet Under finale. This was quite beyond that, and I let it out while there was no one looking. Had I not been under a time crunch to catch my flight, I probably would've just curled up there on the floor and gotten out all my emotion right then (rather than trying to slowly leak it on the plane).I grabbed my bags, met Pips at the stairs, paid for my portion of the room, and headed to her car.
I was fine once she was with me again, and we had a fun conversation in the car about all the various people we have crushes on ;-) She really is the Karen to my Jack. I luv my Pips. I probably spent the most time with her all weekend out of anyone, and I didn't even know she'd be at the con in the first place. (We'd never conversed at all before I showed up, yet we had an instant, undeniable connection.) It felt right that she was the last one I said goodbye to. More hugs, more cheek smooches, more tears. I stepped into O'Hare and spent quite some time talking myself out of abandoning my job altogether and staying behind with them. Security was quick and my flight was delayed, so I was a little frustrated that I could've spent another hour with everyone, but it gave me time to upload all my pictures, and that's the only time all night I wasn't crying. Seeing their faces made me smile. It helped having tangible proof that we really did look as happy as the memories felt.
No matter what the future years bring, this was and will always be my first VividCon. This is how I want to remember it. This weekend changed my life. I feel so loved, so understood, so validated, so accepted, so cherished, so welcome. I've been back in the real world two days now, and I'm still walking around in an alternate universe. This world doesn't feel so real to me anymore. They do. Like I'm just going through the motions until I can get back to them again. And at the same time, this is some of the lightest post-con depression I've ever felt (airplane hysteria not withstanding). There's too much happiness for me to be sad. I feel so full of inspiration and motivation and energy. I want to create and share and celebrate. I want to embrace everything about these people and what we share together. And I will, and we will. This is just the beginning.
I could live forever here
Saturday
Saturday morning started out nice and lazy. I wore my "Talk Nerdy to Me" shirt since I had my panel coming up that day. I met up with Laura, Ian, HL, Flo, DB, Sweet, and Zen in the con hall for good morning chat. At 10 we made our way into the first panel, "External Aesthetics", moderated by Ian and Killa. I sat with HL, Laura, Zen, and Eunice, but it was a full house with standing room only in the back. This panel was about looking at styles in vidding taken directly from other sources like film, advertising, etc. Ian is a damn walking media encyclopedia, and I am constantly impressed with how fucking smart he is. Killa had to miss the first part of the panel, but she eventually joined us, yay! I saw lots of film clips (old and new) that I'd never seen before, and it helped me appreciate really stylistic vids even more. There is so much out there that can be done, and maybe someday I'll learn the software necessary to do it. They spent some time looking at Nicky's "Post Blue" vid, which has the awesome scrapbook style bridge that always wows people. We also looked at a vid with the "Sin City" effect (noir with selected color). Since the vid only used the color red, someone called it "Pleasantville with blood," with Zen then called "Unpleasantville." Ha! This was all in all a really interesting panel, and I imagine that Killa and Ian could've gone on for hours with examples and ideas to share.
At 11 I headed back over to the vidshow room with Pips for the "Newbies Rock" show that Laura put together. It broke my heart that it was up against DB's "Vid Structure" panel, because I really wanted to attend that. But there was no way I was going to miss my vid "Save Yourself" on the big screen! God, I was so unbelievably nervous. Somehow it was completely nerve-racking to watch an old vid in the theater when I'd had absolutely no stress whatsoever about my Will & Grace vid premiering at Club Vivid. Maybe because I feel a lot stronger about the W&G vid, or maybe just because I could see everyone reacting positively (through dance!) rather than sitting quietly in a dark room JUDGING ME, heh. My vid was in the middle of the show, so I had some time to prepare myself and try to relax. Fortunately I felt like the other vids were more or less at my same skill level, so I didn't feel too blown out of the water by my other fellow n00bs (well, except Lim's "Us" at the end, but I knew that was coming). The vid right before mine was gorgeous, a Heroes vid to "Desert Rose," which is a song I've loved for years. I was trying to focus on it without worrying about the fact that my vid was next, but I think I failed. We applauded, the room went dark again, then there it was.
Dear sweet Pips was a darling and held my hand the whole time, and my heart was pounding so loud I'm surprised I could still hear the music. Laura warned me that your vids always feel a lot slower in this atmosphere, and god, she wasn't wrong. But I think it was well-received (honestly, I don't even remember. I was too focused on not having a heart attack). I don't even remember much of the rest of the vidshow, my mind was a racing blur. God, what a rush that was. It was even worse than public speaking! And yet simultaneously awesome because dude, omg, all those people saw my vid! It was the best combination of fear and squee, anxiety and excitement. I was really pleased that we had such a good turnout for the vidshow. I couldn't imagine that anyone would pass up a DB panel to watch some vids made by newbies, but a lot of people seemed interested in some fresh blood. Just another reinforcement that these people value and embrace the new folks like me. I appreciated that so, so much.
The con had pizza lunch delivered for those of us who prepaid (which I did), but they showed up an hour early, so my panel's timeslot got swapped with lunch. This ended up being a blessing, though, since it gave me an hour to chill the fuck out before having to be all leadershippy and coherent. I managed half a piece of pepperoni and called Rachael to tell her about the show. It was 30 minutes after my vid had shown, and I was still feeling it just as strongly. All my friends had gone off to eat lunch elsewhere, so I sat by myself against the wall and took lots of deep breaths and centered myself. It was actually nice to be alone for a few minutes, if only to put things on pause and start back up again once I was ready. I think that lunch was one of the most overwhelming moments of the weekend for me, second only to having to leave Sunday night. The whole experience just felt so real, so alive, and I was deep in the thick of it as it was happening. When I finished eating I had a quick chat with Ian, DB&G, and Lum who'd swung by, and they pointed me in the direction of the Wonderfalls room party which was happening, of course, in good old 702. Flo, Sweet, Green, HL, SDW, and Pips were already there. I showed up right as they put in HL's vid "Window of Opportunity," which is one of my favorites of hers. We then watched "Crime Dog," which is my favorite episode! It turns out this show is even funnier in a room full of people; I had no idea! I ducked out a few minutes before the end, though, to go set up for my panel.
For reasons unknown to me still, I bravely volunteered to create and moderate a panel at a convention I'd never been to. \o/ It's the "Newbie Vidding" panel, which I presented as a shame-free, democratic space for other people who've been vidding less than 2 years (or not at all) to come ask questions, swap tips, make friends, etc etc. I figured most people coming to VVC were probably experienced, but I couldn't be the only new person...right? I posted a poll on vividcon a few weeks ago to get a feel for how many people would come and what they wanted to talk about. From that data, I gathered that I could expect 2 people definitely, probably 5, maaaaaybe 8. Tops. And any number would've been fine with me. I just didn't want to be all alone! So imagine my surprise when people start coming in! And coming. And coming. There were 15 newbies in my panel! Three of whom hadn't even made their first vid yet! (Yay!) And jackiekjono and HL came and sat in the back to listen quietly, which warmed my heart to itty bitty bits.
For this panel, I moved all the chairs in the first few rows into a circle, and I sat down with everyone instead of standing up in the front. I wanted to make it clear that I wasn't posing as any kind of expert, that I was one of them. We only had 45 minutes, but I think we had some pretty constructive conversation given the different situations we were all in (re: experience, software, fandoms, skills, etc). We spent the first 15 minutes going around introducing ourselves and giving some stats on our vidding situation. I also had everyone write down their name, email, and lj in my notebook, and this week I'm going to email everybody the list. This informal newbie network will be a neat way to get some collective pats on the back when we complete a vid before we post it for mass consumption. We decided to start our own lj community as well to have a safe space to ask really stupid questions without bothering the vidders who have heard them a thousand times before. I was equally surprised and delighted to discover that I was pretty much the only vidder in the room still using a linear program (Ulead, instead of a non-linear like Premiere or Final Cut). And here I had my speech all prepared for why Ulead was a fantastic step between WMM and non-linear programs! It's nifty when the students surpass the teacher. I was very pleased. We chatted a bit about where to find information to get started and about how intimidating all the knowledge out there can be. Mostly I think we all came away with a feeling of camaraderie and commiseration, and that was the underlying purpose all along. I think the panel was very, very successful, and I felt great about it. Thank you to anyone reading this who attended.
Next I headed back to the vidshow room for the "Movie Vids" show. I was a little torn on what to attend in this timeslot (Ren's panel on how vids work sounded really interesting!) but I freely admit that I was swayed by the opportunity to see "Street Cafe" on the big screen. It's no lie, I'm a whore for that vid and so easy, so once I saw in on the playlist, the debate was over. I also knew and loved lierdumoa's "Girl Anachronism," Killa's "Dante's Prayer," astolat's "Uninvited," and Ian's "Heart of Funkness," so there was a nice mix of familiar and unfamiliar. The two I marked to download when I got home were Aimee's "My Demise" (The Ring) and Nicky's "Cells" (Fight Club) which I somehow hadn't seen before. Both totally amazing vids. I sat with my Pips again, of course, and she stayed with me for the vidshow that was MADE FOR ME: "Relationships Between Women". Seriously you guys, a femmeslashy vidshow! (!!!!) I was glad HL joined us, big gay vidshow OT3 that we are *g* Eunice had a Bend it Like Beckham vid, there was a Tipping the Velvet vid, there was a Lana/Chloe vid, plus Laura's "Tell Me" (Faith/Buffy) and Killa's "These Two Arms" (Xena/Gabrielle) and HL's "Tre Sorelle" (Farscape) and Flo's "Deja Vu" (Veronica/Lilly)...SO. MUCH. PRETTY. Oh, I was a happy jarrow.
At 4 o'clock, most of my friends headed over to the Town Hall on Vidding & Visibility, but I don't really do so well with academic discussion of that flavor, so I stuck around for yet another vidshow with my beloved Pips and ring_wench, "Death and Dying". One of my favorite Dexter vids was in here (chasarumba's "Make Lemonade") along with Lum's "Art of Dying" (Kill Bill), HL's "Atropine" (Willow/Tara), SDW's "Valencia" (due South), two by Eunice, and Cherry's "Don't Panic" Heroes vid that I'd been meaning to see. It was a good show. Somewhere around this time, Pips and I started finishing each other's sentences, and this was when we decided we share a brain. The next day I clarified that further: she is the Karen to my Jack. It's so true. We even look the part.
Then it was back to Outback for dinner with SDW, Flo, Pips, and Sweet. I could barely eat anything, knowing I had my Starbuck vid premiering in two hours. I did have a drink, though, and that helped chill me out. SDW and Sweet had premiering vids, too, so we commiserated. And drank. At some point the conversation turned to a lovely story about Sweet and how she once cooked Ramen in a coffeepot, then dropped it on the floor, picked the Ramen up off the floor, picked out the fuzz, and ate it. Amazing. Premieres weren't until 7, but the line formed outside the door as early as 6:15. There were a few folks there already when we arrived (Sis and Cappy and some others). Eunice, Ian, deejay, Laura, and anoel joined us as the hallway quickly filled up to capacity. SDW and Laura had already promised to sit with me and hold my hands, bless them, so at least I wasn't worried about not having any moral support. And I knew I wasn't until the second half, so I could spend the whole first half relatively stress-free. Yay.
I gave Sweet a shoulder massage while we waited, and Ian (unknowingly) did something very very cool--he randomly asked me (quite publically and without preface) how I decided to go with the name John. This might seem like the kind of thing that I would hope accompanied some discretion or disclaimer, but I was actually kind of thrilled in that moment that he asked so offhandedly, so conversationally. It was like asking me where I was from or what my favorite band is. That simple question carried with it so many positive implications--that he knew I was trans (which I was unsure of); that most of the people sitting there probably knew too (which I was also unsure of); that even if they didn't know, they wouldn't care (which I was glad of); that he/they knew I was very open to talking about it; that he/they want to know more about me; the list goes on. I've wasted plenty of brain energy in the past worrying about if I would be accepted by the almost exclusively female vidding community since I presented as a guy, and wondering how to let people know that I am actually female without making a big deal out of it. But it's never been an issue, not even for a second, and I've never felt like I was anything other than included no matter what these people knew about my status. So, anyway, that was pretty fucking cool and I realize now I never did tell him that.
Premieres was a pretty interesting experience for me. I knew very little of the source in the vids (which had been a running theme throughout the weekend, actually. I estimate that I only knew about 1/4 to 1/3 of the source fandoms). And just judging from some of the vid review comments the following day, I do have a different taste for vids than many of my peers. But that's fine and still valid and all. It was just something I noticed. Once nice thing that came out of the first half of Premieres was I found my con song. A year ago it was Nickelback's "Savin Me" for Booster Blowout, then the Flan debacle brought me Breaking Benjamin's "Forget It." VividCon gave me Daughtry's "It's Not Over." Absolutely perfect. I have a feeling that's going to be on repeat for awhile.
There were many vids in the first half that did absolutely nothing for me, but there were also some truly spectacular vids, particularly Ian's "Rodeohead," which blew everybody away. I especially love the "copy that, God loves his children" part, hehe. My only grudge against it is that I've been planning to do a big gen Firefly vid for Premieres next year, but I can't follow that now. Damnit. That is very disappointing to me. But there will always be more vid ideas. I also really enjoyed the BSG vid "Signal to Noise" by Keely, which presented the show in what felt like a fresh way to me. Eunice's "Moons of Jupiter" was delightful even though I don't know Doctor Who, and Destina's SPN vid "Want" really wowed the crowd. But the show-stealer, in my opinion, was Sweet's Dexter vid, "West of Her Spine." Of all the vids this year, that one had people talking the most afterward and it totally creeped everyone out. She did some fantastic work there.
At intermission, the reality of what was coming really started to sink in. I jokingly came to terms with my anxiety by saying if my vid got a bad response, I could just blame it on SDW (my beta), heh. We were amused to find that we were almost sitting right in a line of show order, since cesperanza had been in the front, then SDW and me, then Sis was behind us (her & Lum's vid was between mine and SDW's). There were lots of deep breaths and "you'll be fine!"s from everyone, and I hated feeling like I was accidentally making too big a deal out of it than it was. But they all reassured me they remembered their first premiere and how stressed they were (Laura threw up beforehand, I believe), so it was sincere sympathy and nobody told me to shut the hell up. And I was thinking back to how I felt after "Save Yourself" earlier that day and wondering if this would be worse given the fact that it was a vid no one had seen that now everyone was going to see. And Premieres is a pretty big deal. I got a lot of supportive hugs before intermission was over, and Laura and SDW reassured me that the vid was good and it would go over well. Still, I was pretty goddamn nervous. I was a Premieres virgin, after all! Then the lights went down and there was no turning back.
SDW's Children of Men vid, "The Loyal," totally blew me away. I really want to see that movie now. And get the song. And watch the vid again. A lot. It about made me cry. Absolutely stunning. I did my best to pay attention to Lum & Sis's "Women's Work" (SPN), which was an interesting and compelling commentary on SPN and the way it portrays and treats women, but I could feel my heart starting to pound already just knowing I was up next. I owe that vid another watch. As soon as I was done applauding Lum and Sis, I took SDW's and Laura's hands and held on for dear life. God, the black empty space before the opening titles felt like FOREVER. And then there it was. Falling From the Sky. Vid by jarrow. Starbuck took off toward the stars, and I tried not to freak the fuck out knowing it was completely out of my hands.
By the first chorus, my pulse was like a sledgehammer in my head. It looked so beautiful on the big screen, and even though I could see miniscule timing mistakes, I didn't care. I'd done it. I was showing my big baby, this piece of my soul to the vidding world. I don't know it if sped by or went slowly, all I know is that SDW and Laura were still holding on tight to me at the end, and as the end credits came up, my head sank down with my hands on my neck as I took a deep breath of relief. And there was cheering, not just polite applause. They really liked it. I had really done it. I survived a VVC Premiere. They called them the Oscars of the vidding world, and it's no wonder. I felt like a bonafide movie star. A shaking, anxiety-ridden, heart-pounding movie star. And you know, I felt much better after my Premiere than after "Save Yourself." Not just because I'd been through that before, but because I felt so much stronger about the vid. Scared as I was, I trusted my friends and my gut that it would be okay. And it was. It really was.
I enjoyed the second half of Premieres much more than the first, overall. It felt really strange not having another vid of my own to look forward to, though. You know I like having stuff ahead of me. Fortunately, having vids from HL and DB definitely made up for it. HL did a gorgeous Mal/Inara vid ("Nothing New") that warmed my heart, and DB amazed us all with her Pan's Labyrinth vid "Cosmia" that proved I have absolutely no idea what that movie is about. It was 5:30 long, but I was enthralled for every second. Like everything else she does, it totally stunned me. My favorite vid of the show, though, was actually sandwiched between them by a vidder I didn't even know. And while it's going to break la_cspan's heart to hear that someone already vidded her most amazing idea, I think she will be extremely pleased to see the result. Yes, my friends, there is now an incredible Stargate:Atlantis vid to "We Built This City." The crowd went into hysterics, y'all, me included. I think I gave it a standing ovation. Holy shit. And I felt really bad for DB having to follow it, but she of course totally held her own and blew us away anyway.
Of all my memories from the weekend, the one I keep coming back to most is the first five minutes after Premieres ended. I think I'd been standing up for all of five seconds when DB came over to me with a big hug and a smile and said, "that was motherfrakking gorgeous." Holy shit. I can't believe I didn't break down then and there. Because DB's vid was my biggest inspiration, her stamp of approval meant everything in the world to me. I wanted to do her proud. I wanted my vid to be a positive reflection of what I've learned from her and how her vids have affected my life. Hopefully that came through. And on top of all that, as soon as I let go of DB I was getting hugged by SDW and Laura and HL and Flo and Pips and Sweet and Anoel and Eunice and what felt like everybody in the room, even people I didn't know! I was trying my damndest to take compliments without disregarding them, and return more than I received. morgandawn, who I'd seen online on a daily basis but hadn't met yet, made a point of coming over and introducing herself to me because she liked my vid so much. That was a huge compliment. HL told me how touched she was to be in the end credits, and I confessed I'd been nervous about doing that in case she (and DB, too) didn't like the vid. But she was grateful and so moved, and I tried to express my gratitude for everything I'd learned from her, things she didn't even know she'd taught me. It was a really sweet moment, and I'm so glad we connected like that.
Forgive me for making that paragraph All About Praising Me; it wasn't really like that. Everyone was so gracious and congratulatory to each other, and I was happy to be a part of that. All weekend I tried to give a squeeze or hug or back scratch to my friends around me as their vids played, and after Premieres I made sure to give big congratulatory hugs to everyone I knew who had one. That was important to me, not just because they deserved to know I enjoyed their vids, but also to hopefully convey that even though I must have seemed pretty caught up in my own vid experience much of the time, I wasn't at VVC for myself. I was at VVC for them. For these new friends I'd made, to be there with them in those moments when the lights went down on their vids. To let a hug express what a textual comment can't always encompass. To build memories together. I was there for their vids more than mine. How dreadfully empty the convention would be with only one vidder's work on display. It's a community activity to me; it's about sharing and exchange and celebration. And there was an incredible sense of community in that room with everyone exchanging compliments evenly and supporting each other. There was more than enough love to go around, and I felt so completely accepted and appreciated and cherished by these people I hold so dear to my heart. In that moment, all the time and work and stress and angst that went into my vid was completely worth it, tenfold. I promised myself then and there that I would do my damndest to have a Premiering vid every year I can manage it. I hope I never forget how great I felt to be standing there in a room with those people. I can't even describe, you guys. It was magical.
After Premieres we had a whopping 20 minutes to unwind and shift gears and change clothes (and get drunk) before Vid Karaoke! Basically, Ian & friends had put lyric subtitles on vids we submitted, and then we get up and sing along to them. And holy crap, was I excited about this! DB and I were ready for some HIP HOP LEEMO, my friends. Oh yes. We signed up to do Nelly Furtado's "Promiscuous" to the Starbuck/Roslin vid beerbad and I made last December. Cause, you know, Lee is being all emo because Starbuck is with Rosin and not him, and he's trying to woo her back but she won't have any of it. See? HIP. HOP. LEEMO. \o/ And DB was even kind enough to bring her Disco Starbuck outfit from last year, so she matched my brand new BSG BDUs that I bought for DragonCon. I even brought nametags that we wrote "Leemo" and "Disco Starbuck" on for extra flair, heh. Ian kicked off the show with a rousing rendition of SDW's "You Can Call Me" vid. I love that the crowd was singing along with every song. Everything is such a group event, it's a wonder we don't all fucking shower together at night. (Not that I would necessarily fight against that, mind.)
DB and I were up second *gulp!*, and we rocked it pretty hard, all things considered! For whatever reason, I mysteriously decided to switch octaves three syllables into the first chorus (...yeah, I don't know either) even though I had no idea if I could even hit those high notes. But it turns out I kind of could! And at least I never sang on her verses, which was my biggest worry, so it was okay. And super special thanks again to SDW for videotaping and Pips for taking pictures. We worked in some choreography and facial expressions (such as the Leemo pout) and it was all-around AWESOME. Maybe because I'd put just my soul onscreen for the world to see less than an hour before, but I wasn't remotely nervous to get up there and sing, not even in the slightest. (I'm sure the double shot of Bailey's I had in 702 had NOTHING to do with it...) We got great audience response, and it was so very much fun. DB is so fantastic. And also a wicked hot Starbuck, might I add. Were she unwed, I would very politely and quietly ask, probably in the form of a "circle yes/no" note, if maybe someday she would let me take her in a manly fashion. Cause she's pretty.
I sat in the front between SDW and DB for the rest of the show, singing my heart out and dancing in my chair to every song. DB cheated on me and did a duet with HL to her own vid "Volcano Girls" (it's my understanding that HL was Faith and DB was Buffy). That was also really hot. (Still shipping them, remember. Uh, both Buffy/Faith and HL/DB, I guess. Heh.) My heart also went out to a mashup of the original Leemo vid, Sweet's "You Only Tell Me You Love Me When You're Drunk" that now had audio from "The Frug" playing over it. Flo, DB, and Sweet did a lovely rendition of that which made my heart happy. Leemo was appeased. There were lots of other highlights as well. Pips blew us away with her wonderful voice, we all swayed phones during "Time After Time," Ren and Elyn rocked "St. Elmo's Fire," and Ian stole the show when he straddled the microphone stand during "There's Too Much Light in This Bar." Man, if only I'd gotten a picture of that. Karaoke was a all-around kickASS, and I'm so glad Ian came up with the idea in the first place! I'm already picking out songs for next year. First choice at the moment is actually a vid of Ian's, "I Wish I Was a Lesbian." I also think he and I should do a love ballad, but we'd have to find a really crappy vidsong first, heh.
After karaoke ended at 11 we all headed over to HL's room for yet another of Ian's amazing ideas, "Vid Mashups!" Basically, you take a vid (yours or not) and replace the audio with something else. The more things coincidentally line up, the funnier and more awesome it is. I brought a few of my own, but nothing I had was anywhere near the genius of what my friends brought. It was a packed room, most definitely a fire hazard, and we were very very loud. I still can't believe we didn't get any noise warnings, or even kicked out of the hotel. I started a list of attendees as they filed in the door, but I eventually abandoned it. Seriously, everyone I knew at the con was there, plus dozens of other people. Laura had to sit on my lap, it was so crowded! But it was a good crowded. And seriously, best part, SDW was DA-RUNK. \o/ Holy shit. May I die tomorrow if I will never again get to experience her shitfaced. That giggle made life worth living. I wrote it down in my notes and everything. I also enjoyed how, in the midst of her giggling, she insisted she's a mean drunk. Uh huh. Note to self: buy SDW chocolate vodka for her upcoming birthday. We watched mashups for over three hours straight and loved every second of it. The one that impressed me most was SDW's "You Can Call Me Jesus" which was "Jesus Walks" over her "You Can Call Me" vid. The entire thing lined up perfectly, and it was pretty damn scary to tell you the truth. I think my jaw was hanging open the whole time.
The mashup I brought was "Save Yourself" with the ever-popular song "I Think We're Alone Now" (by Tiffany, of course) over it. I'd gotten a good response to it from Rebekah, Courtney, and Eli, but I was curious to see how this crowd would take it. I was pleased, though I did HIDE IN SHAME at the horrible part near the end (when poor Sharon is getting raped...over a pulsing drum break. I KNOW, I'M A TERRIBLE PERSON. But I didn't do it on purpose!) Zen called me something jokingly mean (twisted, maybe?) and everyone said it was a compliment coming from her, heh. Later on when most everyone had left, I showed the last few folks my Starbuck vid with "The Heat Is On" over it, heh. They got a kick out of that, DB in particular (but seriously, the woman is constantly laughing in her daily life anyway, so who knows how to measure that *wink*). She did say she's thrilled to have another Starbuck vid to mashup now, yay! I also put "I'm So Excited" over my Will & Grace vid, but I wish it lined up better than it does. Oh well. (DB giggled incessantly, so not all was lost.) I'll get better at picking good songs with practice. Not that I have an extensive audio library on my laptop anyway, but we'll see. All the more reason to expand my horizons.
But enough about mine! Without a doubt, the most amazingly versatile vid for mashups is Ren's "Man in Motion" Matrix vid. Not only does it stand alone in awesomeness with the regular audio ("St. Elmo's Fire"), but it goes frighteningly well with "Elevation," "Code Monkey," and my personal favorite, "Flashdance!" The "Code Monkey" mashup ("Monkey in Motion," I think we called it) actually came on a whim of Elyn's, I think. She offhandedly mentioned the song, saying it would be good with this vid. Within fifteen minutes, Ren had secretly gotten on her laptop, created the mashup, and burned it to disc for us to watch. AWESOME. And you know, despite my skepticism, it was scarily good! There was one moment in particular where there's a line about "a girl like you" that cut right to the bad guy. Amazing. And the "Flashdance" mashup had me howling with laughter. I really need a copy of that. It's absolutely brilliant. Ren's only made this one vid, but she really doesn't ever need to vid anything else again. She can just keep putting new songs over this one and it's still the best mashup vids ever. la_cspan called me the Neo of vidding, but she was so wrong. It's Ren, dude. Totally Ren.
The only low point of the party was having to say goodbye to Flo, who had to leave VVC early. Sad! :-( We tried our best to trudge on without her. We watched a slew of other ones that I can't remember off the top of my head (seriously, THREE. HOURS.) but I know Lum, HL, Ian, and DB all had several gems to share. And Green's SPN mashup totally blew us away right at the beginning of the party. It's so fun to see what people put together, because it's usually things I never ever would've thought of. So very much fun. Near the end of the party, I moved from the floor up to the couch and Ian moved to sit between my feet. Instead, I threw my legs over his shoulders and scratched his back while he rubbed my socked feet. That's love. Ren was behind a half wall and didn't see any of this until at least half an hout later, and she was upset she "hadn't been informed of this," hehe. I thought everyone already knew I was a big gay ho. Huh. And we decided unanimously that Vid Mashups was most definitely a Bitchin Party.
Finally at 2:30 the last of us trickled out and left Ren and HL in peace. But before DB and I changed out of our BSG costumes, I insisted on some non-karaoke pictures. Gerry was kind enough to volunteer his photography services for us in the hallway, so now I have some rather badass and quite humorous Leemo pouty pictures. Good times. After another long shower I finally crashed for the night at 3:30. And maybe it's because fatigue finally caught up to me or maybe it was because all my vids were out of the way, but I slept solid through the night for the first time all weekend. Huzzah.
Sunday
My alarm was set for 9:30, but I woke up at 9, and rather than squeeze out more sleep, I decided to go ahead and pack while there was nothing going on to maximize my goodbyes time. That was definitely the best decision I made all weekend. At 9:30 I headed downstairs where everyone was eating breakfast. There was no way I could eat, but some apple juice did me good. I found Ian and sat on his lap for a bit, said hi to HL and Sis, then found Ren and clung to her for awhile. I'm so glad these people don't mind my touchy-feely nature. I'd be lost in the woods. Before the 10 o'clock event, I hit the con suite and picked up a copy of Ian's vid dvds. He has so many I haven't seen yet, so I'm looking forward to spending an afternoon experiencing them on my tv.
At 10 was the "Vid Review", where everyone offers up comments on each of the Premiering vids from the night before. It's funny, I didn't realize that this was an actual thing that happened at VVC--if I had, I might not have sent in a Premiere! I've gotten much, much better at receiving concrit since I started vidding, but I'm still quite a sensitive soul. Laura warned me that there was always the chance I might get some criticism, "though I have no idea what they'd criticize" (awww). I sat with DB&G right behind SDW and Ian and hung on for the ride. (I saved a seat for Pips but she never came! SIGH.) Four vids actually get pulled for the In-Depth Vid Review later (giving 2 vids 45 minutes of discussion where Vid Review is 28 vids in 2 hours). Other than skipping those, the moderators (Sandy and Melina) went in program order.
As I mentioned earlier, this was when I really realized how differently I react to some vids than other people do. It all ties into a post I made on vidding back in February (which it seems is what first made me visible in the community). I feel like there is a new generation of vidders coming up who emphasize more on technical and stylistic flair than deeper emotional meaning. And I'm not saying one is better or more important than the other, or that they're mutually exclusive, just starting to identify what I latch on to in vids and what qualities are in the vids I enjoy most. So when there was a vid I didn't enjoy much that most of the crowd loved or vice versa, that really stood out to me. Very interesting. And hey, it takes all kinds. Every vid has an audience somewhere.
Vid Review ended up being quite the hilarity fest, far more so than I expected it to be. "It's Not Over" was a Sam/Dean vid (complete with almost kissing!), but Sis insisted that "you can take it as a gen vid if you need to," which cracked everyone up. A few vids in, Melina pointed out that the theme of Premieres this year seemed to be: CREEPY. "We asked for less angst last year, but clearly we weren't specific enough." HA! Everyone had great things to say about Ian's "Rodeohead," and Kandy Fong said it was one of the best vids she'd ever seen in her life. Now that is a compliment! Wow. SDW and I were both secretly doing strangefandom research, it turns out, and we identified several vids we want to use in future rounds, particularly the Charlie Jade vid. At one point the Premieres dvd was skipping at the beginning of the "Head Over Feet" vid, so we saw the woman walking into the room over and over again. Appropriately, the crowd started singing "Jolene" to mimic the SGA vid we'd seen the day before that used that same effect with Sheppard. Hilarious! After watching a section of the Hustle vid, Sandy said, "it makes me want to join a life of CRIME!" We spent a quick moment on Destina's "Want" even though it was up for vid review, so Sis summed it up for us by saying, "there are some sick, sick people in this world." Heh.
And then before I knew it, it was time for the review of my vid. The very first thing Sandy and Melina said was actually the only remotely negative thing, which was that they disagreed on my song choice (but Sandy never did go into detail on why she didn't like it). Melina liked the song and how it covered both Starbuck's fall and ships being blown up. I was wondering if they were going to show a portion of my vid (which they did for about half the vids discussed), so imagine the lump in my throat when they showed what I feel is the least interesting part of the vid--the opening. Gulp. But it turns out they didn't show it to criticize it, they showed it because they liked it! Yay! And my moving titles went over well, which also pleased me (attached to them as I am). Sandy also mentioned the second verse where I intercutted Kara and Lee with the ships colliding. That's my favorite part, so I was pleased she noticed that and commented on it.
Then something happened that I totally should've seen coming but didn't--the comparison to "Cold, Cold Water," SDW's Starbuck vid. See, that vid is revered by the community at large as the ultimate Starbuck vid. It's a fantastic vid and deserves all the praise it gets, I just honestly keep forgetting about it because it's not one of my personal favorites and I don't rewatch it often. (It's totally not personal against SDW or the vid quality itself, I just can't dig the music and it's hard for me to push past that for multiple viewings, therefore it's not on my main spectrum.) I was coming from a place of DB's vid being my ultimate Starbuck vid, so I had an "oh yeah!" moment when CCW was mentioned. I found out later that SDW was just as surprised as I was (because she's ridiculously modest that way). HL and I discussed afterward that SDW doesn't realize what a huge splash her vid made on the vidding world, and that it is THE definitive Starbuck vid in most people's eyes. It's kind of funny that SDW and I, then, were the only two people in the room surprised when it came up, especially since she was the beta for mine! But knowing I had her stamp of approval helped me not feel so bad about making a vid that apparently was following too closely in her footsteps.
So anyway, the comparison to CCW was something the whole room nodded at, and the floor was open to comment about that. I was pretty much holding my breath waiting for the sky to rain down. Imagine my shock then when Killa, of all people, one of the biggest and oldest names in vidding whom I'd only met briefly the day before, speaks up on behalf of my vid. She went on and on, at least a paragraph or so, describing the things she liked about it. She said that after CCW she never thought she needed to see another Starbuck vid again, but I changed her mind and proved her wrong. She said while CCW showed the softer side, I gave Starbuck her edge again. She liked the contrast of hard drum beats in my vid with the soft percussion in CCW. She liked the bright lights and explosions against the dark sky and how I used the action shots and motion. Basically, she felt that I held my own in a realm where most everyone thought what needed to be said had already been said. And as she was speaking, the crowd was nodding along with her, and I was sitting with my elbows on my knees and my hands over my mouth, blushing like hell (so I'm told) and fighting back tears in my eyes as I soaked up her words. SDW and Ian actually both turned around to look at my reaction, knowing that hearing such glowing comments would send me over the moon. And I was. I couldn't believe it. Killa liked my vid. Most everyone liked my vid. They really, really did.
With the last stress factor out of the way, I felt much more relaxed for the rest of the review. HL and DB got wonderful comments on their vids, which pleased me. And of course, there was some hilarious commentary on "Another Sunday," the big hit the night before. Melina said, "SGA ignoramus that I am, I know for a fact that they did NOT build that city." Bwahaha. Sis spoke up and said, "no offense to any other vids in my life...but this vid completed me as a person." And while everyone was glowing at the sparkly pizzazz of it, Morgan Dawn called out, "I kept looking for the meaning!" Ha! Good times, my friends. All in all, every vid had positive things said about them, even the ones that I didn't really have anything to say about, so I was pleased to see that even things people didn't like could be stated politely and constructively. These people really are all about holding each other up. As soon as the hour was over, I made a point of finding Killa in the con suite and thanking her for the remarkable things she said about my vid. It's something I'll never forget.
Lunch was next at noon, so we headed across the street to Spontino's, this cute little hole-in-the-wall kind of place. My BLT was fantastic, thank you. Pips, SDW, DB&G shared a pizza while Ian, Eunice, and I had a great in-depth chat about my induction into the community. Of the many conversations I had over the weekend, this is the one I cherish the most. Ian spilled the beans and admitted that ever since I made that aforementioned post on vidding, I'd been secretly stalked by these people. They saw potential in me from that first moment (and even in my old crappy vids), and SDW reported back that I was fun in person as well. They sekritly got together long ago and conspired to recruit me into their gang, heh. The vid pimp was pimped! ME! I had absolutely no idea any of this was happening.
The thing y'all have to realize is that this whole time I'd been stalking them, wanting so much to be their friend as well. It was a beautiful melding of motives, and that's why everything fell into place so effortlessly when I arrived. I never had to ask if I could accompany them anywhere, it was just assumed. I was wanted. I was loved. And hopefully seeing how well we all got along in person just solidified for them (as much as it did for me) that I'm a part of this family. I can't tell you what it meant to me. What these people do for my self-esteem. I briefly told Ian and Eunice about the True Spirit debacle in 2001, about the groups I've wanted to be a part of time after time that I just didn't fit right with. But this time, they'd let me in before I even started asking. This time, it was right. I just...I'm trying to find the words and I can't. Damnit, now I'm getting teary at work. *deep breaths* Okay.
I'd just had my vidding skills and self-worth completely validated within the last hour, so you can imagine I was feeling pretty high on crack by that point. We happily sauntered back over to the hotel, and DB decided it would be fun to PLAY IN TRAFFIC. Good lord. She about gave me a heart attack. Apparently vidders are as fond of breaking jaywalking laws as copyright ones. (Oh, the things we learn at VVC.) But she lived to moderate the next panel, "In-Depth Vid Review" at 1:00, which was dedicated to examining two of the four chosen vids. The four up were SDW's "The Loyal" (Children of Men), Sweet's "West of Her Spine" (Dexter), Destina's "Want" (SPN), and Astolat's "The Adversary" (Twin Peaks). The room overwhelmingly wanted to get into the Dexter vid, so we started there. I was sitting with SDW and Ian, but SDW didn't want to be spoiled, so she left (she'd even closed her eyes during the vid premiere! What a dedicated fangirl.) Ian and I cuddled like the VVC boyfriends that we are, and when I checked in to make sure he wasn't uncomfortable, he said, "I almost didn't let you go back to your room last night!" HA! I ♥ Ian.
Sweet's vid was very creepy and even upsetting to some people who didn't know what was coming, but I thought it was fucking brilliant. The vid is about the big bad of season one, and it starts out very light-hearted and happy. By the end, you can clearly tell it's a Dexter vid, and it's downright unsettling in the best way. Cesperanza summed it up well: "It's kind of a serial killer joke. I love your eyes and your hair...you know, separately." I kept quiet during the discussion (which was pretty mixed and all over the place), but I pulled Sweet aside afterward and gave her my thoughts. Basically, this vid affected everyone, no one was ambivalent, and that's a good thing. Viewers who didn't know the show started in a happy place and then went to a place of fear. Viewers who did know the show started in a place of fear (knowing where it was going to go) and then ended in a happy place--not because serial killing is awesome, but because Sweet executed the vid so well. Either way, it was a powerful vid that got some good discussion going, and I hope she felt good about that. The panel also spent about 10 minutes talking about Destina's vid, but most of the conversation still tied back to Sweet's in some way. And I texted SDW to tell her it was okay to come back in, but she never did. SIGH. I wish there'd been time to dig into her vid, because it was one of my very favorites in the Premieres show and it deserved a lot of time for feedback.
Lum, DB&G, SDW, Ian, Green, Pips, Sweet, and I decided to skip the 2 o'clock vidshow and panel entirely in favor of playing Apples to Apples back in 702. This game is always hilarious, but this time was certainly no exception. We all got a kick out of the "zen" card played for "scary," since there was a vidder we know and love named Zen at the con, hehe. And I think DB spoke for all of us when, while revealing the played cards for that round, she said, "I always love when the 'festering wounds' show up." There were some great batches up for judgment in the short time we got to play. I had the tough decision of choosing between "witch hunts" and "rubber gloves" for "delightful." (Yes, I went with rubber gloves. No glove, no love!) SDW was the judge for one, and it didn't matter what the adjective was, all the cards were pretty random; Lum said, "Can't say we'll get too much insight into SDW on this one," and Ian retorted, "unless she goes with 'women's soccer.'" Hehehehe.
Lum totally had the "Oh my god, I can't believe you played that" moment of the night when she played the "AIDS" card for "exhausting." (SO. TERRIBLE.) Sweet had to choose "armed robbery" over it because she's too good a person, hehehe. I was pretty pleased when my "Joan of Arc" card won out for "manly" over "salsa dancing," hehe! For the "comical" card, the decision was between "beach parties," (which we substituted "bitchin parties" for, obviously) "driving off a cliff," and "Michelle Pfeiffer." Had I been judging, you know what I would've chosen. But the best round of the hour was for the adjective "explosive." The pool of cards was revealed..."mice"..."women"..."men"! HAHA. Fucking amazing. And Lum's "mice" card won out over the battle of the sexes. I like to think that the cards you end up with say something about yourself, so we called Lum's "explosive" card a commentary on her frequent menopausal hot flashes. Ian had "annoying, exhausting, spooky, dignified, and nerdy." (The last two are certainly true.) I was so very pleased with my description: "intense, swift, manly, and fabulous!" YES. (You know, except the manly part.)
As we left 702, I saw that Ian's shirt had a muffin on it, so I asked if I could call him my muffin. Then Lum asked if I was "buttering him up." (BOOO! *g*) At 3 o'clock we headed back down to the vidshow room for the final show of the con: the Challenge and Auction Vids. I'd been looking forward to this all weekend because the last vid of the con was DB's masterpiece, "Tragedy," which has been my favorite vid for months now (it's the one I chipped in $200 for). Pips and I sat with Ian, DB&G, and Lum behind us. The challenge theme this year was "faith," and there were a whopping seven vids submitted. It's double-blind, so we had no idea who made what. The very first one was my favorite, a kickass BSG vid called "Only" (later revealed to be by Cherry) about the twist at the end of season three and how it ties into everything we've learned up to that point. This vid blew me away. I enjoyed the other ones, but that one was definitely my favorite. The crowd got a kick out of the Dean/Impala OTP vidlet to Journey's "Faithfully," hahaha.
Then the auction vids kicked in around 4 o'clock. I felt really good about contributing to an auction vid because the money we spent allowed the con to buy its own AV equipment (as opposed to renting it like they've always done). DB's vid was last, so I waited patiently politely. HL started off the block with her Heroes vid that was gorgeous and made me so glad I finished the series before the con. Sis's SPN vid made the whole room full of happy. The third vid actually used the song "Save Yourself," so that was an interesting experience for me. And finally...finally...it was time for TRAGEDY. I warned DB that I was probably going to grab her in squee throughout, and she was kind enough not to switch chairs at that point. I couldn't help but dance and bop along to the music, this vid just makes me so HAPPY, you guys. Best money ever spent. Laura gets full credit for the idea, it was her baby. I was just the negligent father paying child support. And when the thunderclap approached, I turned and grabbed a handful of DB's jeans by her knee and held on tight as Spike exploded in glory before us. The crowd went wild, and it was a spectacular end to an already spectacular convention. Fucking amazing, you guys.
After the lights came up and celebratory hugs were exchanged all around, I snatched up a copy of HL's vids dvd, my copy of the auction vids dvd, and the official con premieres 4-disc dvd set. (So many vids! Yay!) I dropped my goodies off in the room and headed back for the "Calls From the Public" (Dead Dog) wrap-up panel. I sat on the floor between Sis's knees next to Ian and DB&G, so full of happy just being there but so sad that it was coming to a close. There were lots of great ideas for next year, particularly that the challenge will be "fuck you!" Brilliant. I had a vidshow idea (rarely vidded pairings, like SDW's Ray/Ray vid) but I was too shy to mention it. Shame on me. I'll bring it up later. The best part of Dead Dog was finding out that the dates for next year have been moved! YAY. They were going to be August 13-15th, which would make it extremely difficult, if not impossible, to take the time off. But because of another convention (BLESS THEM), VVC will now be August 20-22nd. I can't TELL you how happy this makes me. Now I can take Thursday and Monday off, too, and stay as long as I damn well please. Even though saying goodbye was hard enough, it really helped knowing I'd be able to come back without a problem. After the room cleared out, my friends stuck around to take group pictures that are now my happy new desktop backgrounds. I love these pictures so much. I love these people so much. They make me so very very happy.
Now that the con events were officially over, the reality that I had to leave was sinking in. It was 5:30 then, and I had a 9 o'clock flight, so I planned on heading out at 6:40. Dear sweet Pips agreed to drive me to the airport to save me cab fare, and I felt better being on my own schedule and not having to stress about that. My freinds were heading down to Outback for dinner, so I went with them just to talk. Everyone was thoroughly exhausted, but we made the most of it. Ian and I stood with my arms reaching back to wrap around him as he reached around my stomach. I told him I have absolutely no filter/shame about being very gay in public, haha. Lucky for me, he didn't mind. I kept pushing up the alarm on my phone as I realized it was going to take me longer and longer to say my goodbyes.
Finally at 6:15, right as my group was seated at a table, I began the painful process of farewell hugs. I started with the people getting seated elsewhere--Eunice and Sis and Lum, Laura and SDW (though it helped knowing I can see her anytime, really), then Ian. So many hugs, cheek smooches, and sweet words. I sat back down at the table with the other half of my group wondering how I was going to find the strength for this. I took a deep breath, stood up, and started around the circle. Anoel first, then Sweet and Ren. DB was on the phone, so I skipped her and hugged Gerry (what a trooper).
Saying goodbye to DB is when the tears really started (and didn't stop for quite some time, as you recall). I tried to find the words to express how grateful I was for everything, but it was an impossible task anyway. And then I had to say goodbye to HL and I think I said "goddamnit" as walked over to her, so frustrated that I had to leave at all. And that hug was when I lost my grip on my emotions, but she told me to breathe and held me tighter. Everything I'd been feeling all weekend was catching up to me fast, and I wasn't ready to let go of it yet. Why did I have to go back to work when everyone else was staying a whole other day? Why was it going to be another year before I saw these people again? I let go of HL and started to walk away, looking like shit I'm sure, all red-faced and runny. The last thing I heard was, "we'll miss you!" and I clung to that the whole flight home.
Pips and I headed back up to the con area so I could grab my luggage while she got her keys. Once I turned the corner and walked back down the hall alone, I broke down. I lost it. In the three years I've been on testosterone, I've only sobbed once--right after the Six Feet Under finale. This was quite beyond that, and I let it out while there was no one looking. Had I not been under a time crunch to catch my flight, I probably would've just curled up there on the floor and gotten out all my emotion right then (rather than trying to slowly leak it on the plane).I grabbed my bags, met Pips at the stairs, paid for my portion of the room, and headed to her car.
I was fine once she was with me again, and we had a fun conversation in the car about all the various people we have crushes on ;-) She really is the Karen to my Jack. I luv my Pips. I probably spent the most time with her all weekend out of anyone, and I didn't even know she'd be at the con in the first place. (We'd never conversed at all before I showed up, yet we had an instant, undeniable connection.) It felt right that she was the last one I said goodbye to. More hugs, more cheek smooches, more tears. I stepped into O'Hare and spent quite some time talking myself out of abandoning my job altogether and staying behind with them. Security was quick and my flight was delayed, so I was a little frustrated that I could've spent another hour with everyone, but it gave me time to upload all my pictures, and that's the only time all night I wasn't crying. Seeing their faces made me smile. It helped having tangible proof that we really did look as happy as the memories felt.
No matter what the future years bring, this was and will always be my first VividCon. This is how I want to remember it. This weekend changed my life. I feel so loved, so understood, so validated, so accepted, so cherished, so welcome. I've been back in the real world two days now, and I'm still walking around in an alternate universe. This world doesn't feel so real to me anymore. They do. Like I'm just going through the motions until I can get back to them again. And at the same time, this is some of the lightest post-con depression I've ever felt (airplane hysteria not withstanding). There's too much happiness for me to be sad. I feel so full of inspiration and motivation and energy. I want to create and share and celebrate. I want to embrace everything about these people and what we share together. And I will, and we will. This is just the beginning.
I could live forever here