Jack's New Friend(Full Fic)
Well I finally finished the full version of the drabble I did. Please enjoy!
For Leaviel because she asked for Weasley twins in this one. Hope you like!
See how many references to other fandoms I snuck in here. There are a lot! :)
Summary: Jack will flirt with anything if it can flirt back! Even an alien rock.
Characters: Ninth Doctor, Rose Tyler, Captain Jack Harkness
"So, Doctor, this planet we're going to. Does it have any interesting lifeforms?"
"Depends what you mean by interesting. If you mean sentient creatures to meet and exchange information with, then yes. If you mean new people to flirt with, then no."
"Ah you're no fun! Why don't you try and loosen up a little?" Jack asked with a flirty grin.
The Doctor glared at the former conman. "I took my jacket off. Thats as loose as you're going to see me. I know how you fifty-first century blokes work."
"I see. So its 'hands off' you, 'hands off' Rose, and 'hands off' the TARDIS," Jack remarked, punctuating his sentences with air quotes. "That really cuts down on any options I might have here."
"Yep. You want any sort of kissing, you do it far away from my ship and Rose. I don't want you polluting her."
"Oh so I'm a 'polluting' influence, am I? I think I rather like that!"
"Yes, Jack in more ways than one. Now are you going to follow my advice and stop flirting with her? Or do I have to drop you off on the nearest uninhabited planet?"
“Well you know I'm not the only one doing all the flirting around here. Rose is perfectly capable of holding her own in an-” At the Doctor's furious glare Jack backed away quickly, raising his hands in surrender. "Alright alright don't worry, Doc, I won't touch her."
The Time Lord smirked. "Good. Now go to her room and tell her we're ready."
"Uh, bit of a mixed message there, Doc."
The Doctor turned and leaned against the console, raising an eyebrow at Jack. "Think of it as a test. You keep away from Rose, you pass it and get to stay. You do anything to Rose, you fail the test and get yourself chucked out the door. Understand?"
"Yeah alright but what happens if she throws herself at me? She might just do it"
"You still get tossed out, but on a sparsely populated planet instead of a deserted one."
"B-but if she made a move on me it wouldn't be my fault!"
"Sure it would be, Captain Flash. I can easily say since you came aboard Rose has been acting a bit more..."
" 'Come hithery'? Flirty?"
"Jack, don't" the Doctor said quietly, his eyes darkening.
Jack swallowed hard at the underlying threat in the Time Lord's tone. "Sorry. I'll go get her now."
He ran from the console room and the Doctor sighed. Why had he ever brought the conman along? Sure, he had helped save the day on more than one occasion but his flirtatiousness was really starting to grate. Not to mention some of it was beginning to rub off on Rose and that was really not a good thing.
He frowned and turned to input the coordinates of a planet known for its large markets into the computer. Maybe a good bout of shopping would help get things back to normal.
~..~
"Oh this is amazing," Rose exclaimed, squeezing the Doctor's hand as they walked through the alien marketplace.
He grinned down at his human companion. "Told you. And no one's tried to kill us either."
"Oh now you've jinxed it!"
"How so? All I said wa-" he was cut off when Rose reached up and covered his mouth firmly with her unoccupied hand. He glared at her until she removed it.
"Don't say anything about what normally happens when we try to have fun. Got it?"
He rolled his eyes and started to nod before catching sight of something that definitely did not belong on this planet. He pulled Rose over to a stall filled with brightly colored boxes. "Oi, you there!"
The young man that the Doctor was addressing glanced up from his book and grinned. "Can I help you?"
"Yeah. You can explain how you can be selling these clearly 21'st century Earth pranking devices here on Lupus!"
"Ah let me refer you to my fellow owner," the young man replied and nodded quickly to someone over Rose's shoulder.
A few seconds later another young man who appeared almost exact to the first strolled behind the counter. "Hello! Welcome to Wea-"
"Stow the sales pitch. What are you doing here on Lupus?"
The first owner raised his eyebrows. "You see? This is why I called you over, George. This customer is extremely rude."
"Well now, you sir are beginning to try our patience! Continue and we will be forced to notify the authorities!"
"I'd like to see you try," the Doctor remarked, folding his arms and regarding the two redheads smugly.
Rose frowned. "Doctor, whats the problem?"
"The problem is, Rose is that these two aren't supposed to be here. They're supposed to be on Earth."
The second owner rolled his eyes. "Whats the fun in that? If we'd stayed I'd have lost an ear and Fred here would be dead!"
"Hold on," Rose said confusedly. "Are you two the Weasley twins?"
The first redhead grinned. "Aha! She's rather clever, don't you think, George? Yes, thats us, miss. Owners of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes."
"But...you're book characters. How can you be here?"
The Doctor smiled. "How do you think most books start? Just takes one little experience. One little meeting for the writer."
"So there are wizards and things. Wait...does that mean theres really a Hogwarts? Can we go there?"
"Sorry to interrupt here, but who exactly are you two?"
"I'm the Doctor, George Weasley. Remember me?"
"Ah. Yes I do. You looked quite a bit different then. Got tired of the scarf, then?"
"Scarf?" Rose asked.
"I'll explain later. But you two haven't answered me yet. What are you doing here?"
"Well the reason for that is relatively simple," George said with a grin. "We took a trip to Cardiff a few years ago."
"Ah so you came through the rift."
"Exactly. One second we were looking at the lovely Millennium Centre and the next we were lying on the floor in one of the native girls' room. Needless to say she was rather surprised."
"Obviously. How much trouble did you get into for that?"
"None actually. When we explained what had happened she was surprisingly understanding. Especially when we told her our names. Apparently old JK's books have gotten farther than we thought."
"So she was a fan."
"Oh yes. She even has Weasley as a last name now," Fred said smugly. "We were married about a month ago."
"I see. So you two are happy here, then? Don't want to go home?"
"No thanks. I don't think Leaviel would be very happy if I ran off without her."
The Doctor smirked. "All right then. So tell me, what sort of things do you have here? I might just pick up something for a friend."
"Doctor..." Rose said sternly. "Don't you dare use anything on Jack."
"Wasn't going to. I was going to give it to Rickey."
The twins grinned.
"Got the perfect thing," Fred remarked as he tossed a small orange box to the Doctor. "Three Knuts, please."
The Time Lord grinned and handed over the coins. "I'll be sure to stop by and let your family know you're all right."
"Thanks! Come back again soon!"
The Doctor smirked as he guided Rose away from the stall. "They never learn. C'mon these stalls should have some stuff you'll like to see."
~..~
"This is all your fault," Rose shouted breathlessly as she was dragged along by the Doctor, pursued by a large crowd of very unhappy natives. "Never should have trusted you when you said you were gonna take me to a nice peaceful planet for some shopping."
He turned his head to fire back a retort but at that moment tripped over a large stone in his path and went sprawling, Rose landing atop him with a loud "oof". He quickly squirmed out from underneath her and scrambled to his feet just as the angry mob reached them.
None of the natives stood higher than Rose's shoulder but each carried a long wooden spear all of which were pointed squarely at his face. He slowly reached down to help Rose to her feet, wincing as one of the members of the crowd got a bit too close with his spear and scraped his cheek.
He carefully pushed Rose behind himself before turning to the leader of the people. "I really don't understand what you're chasing us for. We paid for everything we bought, didn't we?"
"Indeed you did," the heavyset alien replied, quickly touching the golden circle set into his forehead. The other natives turned their spears away as their chief continued. "You neglected to inform us of your third party member however. He took certain items and instructed us to 'put it on his credit'. He said that you would pay for it before you left our city."
"Oh he did, did he?" the Doctor growled, imagining exactly what he was going to do to the former Time Agent.
Rose stepped around him then, ignoring his warning arm. "Sorry about Jack, but how much do we owe you?"
"Thirty queylas."
"How much?! What did he buy?" the Doctor demanded, his eyes flashing dangerously.
"A sonic blaster battery as well as a device he insisted was as he called it 'a ride home.' As far as any of our scientists could discern it was a useless audio transponder."
The Doctor rolled his eyes and dug into his pockets for a moment before pulling out a fistful of greenish coins which he placed into the leader's outstretched hand.
The dark-skinned man counted the coins out carefully before slipping them into his own pocket. "Thank you, Doctor. You and your companions are free to go but please do not return unless the next time you keep your Captain Jack Harkness under control."
The Doctor smiled tightly. "Don't worry, Master Ha'tak. I doubt he'll be joining us next time."
"Very well, Doctor. I wish you and Miss Tyler both lobo mal."
The Doctor blinked. "Lobo mal to you as well, Master Ha'tak."
He and Rose watched as the group slowly made its way back to the large city in the distance before turning towards the little blue box a short distance away.
"Doctor?" Rose asked suddenly as they walked, slipping her hand into his.
"Yes, Rose?"
"What was that thing Ha'tak said right before he left? Sounded like Spanish."
"It was Spanish, Rose."
"Oh. Well how did Spanish get all the way out here? And how come it didn't get translated like the rest of what he said?"
"No idea. Maybe the TARDIS is playing tricks on us."
"Really?"
"Sure. She likes to have fun too, you know."
"If you say so. Anyway, where do you think Jack is? I haven't seen him since we left the TARDIS this morning."
As they came around the side of a large rock they stopped dead.
"Ah, Rose? I think that might answer your question."
"Jack! What are you doing?!"
The ex-Time Agent turned and grinned at them. "Oh hey! I wondered where you'd gotten off to. Care to join us?"
Suddenly there was an furious shout from behind them. "Sacrilege! The visitors are defiling the sacred rock temple!"
The Doctor quickly yanked on Rose's hand, tugging her towards the TARDIS. "Jack!"
"One minute!"
"Jack, its just a rock! We need to leave!" Rose shouted, glancing over her shoulder at the angry mob that was once again pursuing them.
"I take offense to that, Jacky-poo!"
Rose stared in shock at the large rock that Jack was hugging. "Am I imagining this?"
"No, I heard it. Jack, you really need to come with us. Right now!"
"But, Doc, we're busy!"
"Unless you want to be lunch, I suggest you come right now."
That got Jack's attention. He jumped away from his new friend just as he/she/it was opening a huge mouth.
"Never trust a talking rock," the Doctor said sternly as they ran for the TARDIS. "First rule you have to follow if you're going to stay with us." He grabbed his key and stuffed it into the lock, opening the door and shoving his companions inside.
As he ran for the console, dematerializing them just as the angry mob reached the ship Rose picked herself up from the grating she had been pushed to. "You know, Doctor, I thought the first rule was 'don't wander off.' You mean thats no longer it?"
"Yeah, well you never followed that rule anyway, did you? This one might be easier for your little human brain to remember."
"Oi!"
" 'Oi' me all you like, Rose, you know its true. Oh, Jack, before I forget, you owe me thirty queylas for things you neglected to pay for."
Jack grinned cheekily. "Fine. How would you like me to repay you for it?"
The Doctor just glared at him in silence until Jack quickly dropped a small pile of coins into the Doctor's hand.
"Thank you, Jack. Now that I have some local currency again, who's for chips sometime in the future? My treat...for you only, Rose."
Jack's exclamation of dismay was easily heard throughout the vortex.