Learning Through Tears (4/5)
Title: Learning Through Tears (4/5)
Genre: Romance/Angst/Humor
Pairings: mainly Jaeho
Rating: PG-13 so far...? (for some language and imaginations)
Summary: The way I cared for YunHo was different, something I couldn't describe fully. At the time it was an ache in my chest. However, every time I touched him, or talked to him, or made him smile, the ache turned into an all consuming happiness. It felt like I was going crazy.
Previous Parts:
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
My mattress dipped as a weight moved onto it. It was a familiar weight, the weight of a person. I lay on my side, facing away from whoever it was. My eyes opened slowly, and in the dark, I turned to see the figure sitting at the edge of the bed. My heart skipped a beat as I realized who it was. It was him. He smiled softly at my startled and nervous expression, his face lit from the moonlight coming from the open window.
“What…” I muttered in my confusion. My mouth closed when he stood for a moment and pulled back the covers to slink beneath them and lay next to me. He was so close, his skin somewhat colder than mine as his hand brushed over my bare chest to rest on the other side of my body. He pushed himself up and was on top of me now, his body pressed against my own. His arms supported his weight on either side of me, his face hovered above mine.
I could feel my heart beating rapidly in my chest as I searched his face for an answer, but the only thing I found was his eyes, hypnotizing dark eyes. “You want me don’t you?” he said and lowered his head so that he spoke against my mouth, hot breath hitting my skin.
“Yes…” I breathed out, desire lacing my voice. I felt him shift slightly, so that more of his weight was on me. It was a beautiful feeling.
“You can have me. You can have all of me YunHo.” He said huskily and pressed his mouth against my own, the start of a passionate, hungry…
“YunHo. Get up. YunHo. Do you want me to spray you? Is that what you want? Because I will. Here it comes. YunHo. Get. Up.”
A few moments of silence came after that… maybe he was going to leave. Please just make him leave. I want to sleep. Sleep and dream.
“YUNHO! Get up!” JunSu shouted and pulled the covers off of my back to reveal me lying on my stomach, my pillow hugged into a ball under my head.
“Ugghhh.” I grunted out in annoyance as I turned and slowly sat up on the edge of the bed. I yawned and rubbed my face with my hands, hoping it would make it easier to keep my eyes open. I looked over at JunSu who sighed. He actually did bring a spray bottle filled with water, the one JaeJoong uses for the new orchids in the living room. JaeJoong. Another great dream ruined by the horrible thing called morning.
“Whattimeizit…” I managed to mumble out somewhat coherently before another yawn.
“It’s seven thirty. We have to leave in an hour. JaeJoong has already made breakfast. And we’re all waiting for you. And I’m hungry. So. Get. Up.” He said impatiently.
“I’m up! I’m up!” I knew he wouldn’t be satisfied until I wasn’t touching the bed in any way, so I stood. I went into the bathroom across the hall to relieve myself and wash up a little before venturing out into the dining room. JunSu walked behind me, his spray bottle at the ready should I choose to crawl back into bed. He was smart I’ll give him that.
I sat down at my usual seat at the table, next to JaeJoong’s usual seat. Of course he didn’t sit there; he sat in the sixth chair. The one we normally didn’t use. I wasn’t surprised; he hadn’t sat there since that night. That night I found him crying in his room, the night he pushed me away. Unfortunately this time, it felt like it was for good.
I didn’t look at him, though I really wanted to. I simply picked up my fork, and started eating the breakfast that was already set in front of me.
It didn’t start out like this. At the start we were friends, maybe it was the isolation of being famous, but I felt closer to him than I had with any other friend. Then all too soon, our hugs grew longer, our looks more loving, our touches sweeter. It was gradual, and to tell the truth, I didn’t know what was happening. It seemed so natural and right that I simply let my feelings for JaeJoong grow. I didn’t fully understand them. I didn’t for a long time. They seemed so organic, but part of me felt like it was wrong. I had to continuously remind myself that he’s my best friend, and he’s a man.
It became harder and harder to resist giving in to my want for him. Especially since he showed signs of returning my feelings. At first, I was able to joke and talk my way out of situations where I might do something I would regret.
Then, just when I became more comfortable with the idea of being with JaeJoong, he became distant, pushing me away whenever I showed him affection. His whispers the time he spent alone with YooChun sent daggers of jealousy into my chest, but I wouldn’t let him see that. I couldn’t. Eventually I decided not to try anymore. It was hopeless.
One night we had been sitting on the couch, watching some dumb action movie. However my attention wasn’t on the movie, but on how close he was getting. He snuggled up next to me and I grew warmer at his touch, loving the feeling of him close. Then he ran off, something was wrong with him, and it wasn’t his stomach. I followed him into the bedroom, and he was crying. He wouldn’t tell me what was wrong; he just showed me the door. We hadn’t really spoken since that night, two days ago.
“I’m not hungry anymore.” I said to no one in particular. I took my barely touched plate to the trash and dumped the food before putting the dirty dish in the sink. I ignored the puzzled looks of my band mates as I left for the bathroom. I took a shower and then went to my room to dress. My mind swirled with thoughts and memories that I wanted to forget as I got ready for work.
After a quick and uncomfortably quiet trip in a company van, we arrived at the studio where the photo shoot was being held. We had been previously fitted but, of course, our stylist had more to tweak and perfect. We made it through hours of preparation under the hot lights of the make up artists, tailors, and stylists. All the while I avoided JaeJoong. I couldn’t stand to be around him, it was only heartbreaking to see his face that used to look upon me with affection, but now only did so in my dreams. I sighed tiredly as a makeup artist came up to me while the photographer changed the lighting. She patted my face with her brush and I waited for her to be done before I continued the poses that I was directed to do.
“Okay now the whole group please? Yes… just all together.” The photographer said from behind his camera, motioning for us to all get closer. ChangMin was between JaeJoong and me. We did as we were instructed, moving in the ways the photographer wanted.
“Okay. Now YooChun and JaeJoong please.” He said still busy angling his camera.
I walked off with the others as JaeJoong and YooChun started their poses that the photographer liked. He may have liked it, but I sure as hell didn’t. I looked away not wanting my jealousy to be seen by the others. Thankfully ChangMin distracted me with his babble about the makeup artist.
“Did you see her? I mean... damn. She should be a model. Not doing make up for models.”
“Yeah. She’s pretty hot.” I said with a forced smile, but they usually could pass for the real thing.
“You know what. I think… Yes… her legs are the best.” He said motioning the outline of her body with his hands. “No… where her legs meet her back. Actually no that whole area…”
I genuinely laughed at this and patted ChangMin on the back. “ChangMin. You need a girlfriend or something.” I said and laughed again.
“That’s a little difficult considering I’m in a boy band. The only girls I see want to rip out my hair and take it home as a souvenir. They scare me YunHo. Always…screaming…” I couldn’t help but laugh again and embrace his shoulders with my arm in a gentle hug.
“It’ll be okay.” I said with a condescending tone, “We won’t let the scary girls get you.” With that his elbow met my ribs sharply, “Ow… hey I didn’t deserve that.” I said rubbing the sore spot he had made.
“Yeah you kinda did.” He said with a laugh.
“Yeah I kinda did.”
By the time we had finished talking JaeJoong and YooChun were done their shots. Next the photographer wanted ChangMin and JunSu to pose together. JaeJoong left the set and walked over to where the rest of us were standing and stood next to me. I looked over at him, hoping he would look back. He looked at me briefly then quickly averted his gaze and started walking away. Of course YooChun followed him.
I closed my eyes and sighed. This day was going too slowly. I just wanted to go home, eat something, and distract my mind with music. Or better yet, sleep and hopefully have the dream that’s been repeating lately. Maybe this time I could finish it.
“Okay! Last one. YunHo and JaeJoong please!” The camera man said happily. Obviously he was also anxious to get this done. I was forced to get close to JaeJoong as the photographer directed me to sling my arm over his shoulder, while JaeJoong’s arm came around my back and hugged my waist. We continued the shoot, changing our poses as the camera clicked. I was professional of course, and smiled when I needed to, always keeping up appearances. However there was an aching pain in my chest. Whenever we had to move, our touches were bitter sweet, making me realize I really missed him. These past few days had been the longest of my life.
The shoot had finished and we had all changed back into our more comfortable casual clothes. A van took us back home, the ride as quiet as the one before it. We took off our shoes, JaeJoong went to start dinner, YooChun followed to help, JunSu started for his workroom, and I was going back to bed. ChangMin however, hadn’t moved from the entranceway.
“What’s going on?” He asked, staring at us with suspicion in his eyes.
“Huh?” JunSu answered him as we all turned.
“Everyone has been acting strangely. No one’s talking except me. What the fuck is going on?” He had obviously been spending too much time with YooChun.
JaeJoong looked at YooChun, YooChun looked at me, I looked at JunSu, JunSu looked nervous.
“Nothin’.” JunSu ended up saying.
“Nothing?! You guys… just tell me!” ChangMin was clearly loosing his patience. How can we tell him when I didn’t even know what truly had happened. All I knew was things had changed between JaeJoong and me. I didn’t understand why JaeJoong was acting like this.
“It’s none of your business.” YooChun said with a commanding tone. ChangMin looked at him for a moment. We could see that he didn’t want to drop the matter.
“Why is it like this? What happened?” he asked YooChun softly, walking towards him.
YooChun sighed and shook his head, the rest of us simply watching, “Just leave it. For now.” He said and this time ChangMin nodded. He looked at me and I quickly looked away, not wanting to face his suspicious gaze.
“Fine.” ChangMin said simply, ending the discussion for the moment, and left. YooChun disappeared into the kitchen, JunSu quick to follow him.
JaeJoong was still standing in the same spot, staring at the floor in thought. He looked so hurt and confused; I hated seeing him this way. I wanted to do something, hold him, kiss him, anything to make the hurt he was feeling go away. Except I knew he probably didn’t want that.
“Jae.” I said and he looked up at me, sadness was still etched on his face. “Please. Just… talk to me. Say something.”
“What is it you want to me to say?” he asked.
“I don’t care. Just anything.” I watched him for a moment, but he didn’t speak. “Jae, I miss my best friend.”
JaeJoong smiled sadly, “Yeah me too.”
“Then…” I began cautiously, “We’re okay then?”
JaeJoong nodded, “Of course.” Except something told me we weren’t. “I’m gonna go make dinner. It should be ready in an hour or so.” He said and left me to stand there, watching his back as he went into the kitchen.
It took me a few moments before I was able to look away and turn down the hall towards my room. I shut the door quickly and leaned against it, closing my eyes. “I think I love you too much JaeJoong. Too much.”
A/N:
1. Yeah I've got a lot of time on my hands these past few days. Thus these quickly punched out little chappies for you.
2. The ending will probably be the next chapter, or the one after it. *shrug*
3. I know I’ve been getting one of these out daily, but for the next couple of days I’m going to be crazy busy… so the wait might be like the wait on any other fic. I know. Hard to believe lol.
4. Thanks for the comments!
Go to Part Five
Genre: Romance/Angst/Humor
Pairings: mainly Jaeho
Rating: PG-13 so far...? (for some language and imaginations)
Summary: The way I cared for YunHo was different, something I couldn't describe fully. At the time it was an ache in my chest. However, every time I touched him, or talked to him, or made him smile, the ache turned into an all consuming happiness. It felt like I was going crazy.
Previous Parts:
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
My mattress dipped as a weight moved onto it. It was a familiar weight, the weight of a person. I lay on my side, facing away from whoever it was. My eyes opened slowly, and in the dark, I turned to see the figure sitting at the edge of the bed. My heart skipped a beat as I realized who it was. It was him. He smiled softly at my startled and nervous expression, his face lit from the moonlight coming from the open window.
“What…” I muttered in my confusion. My mouth closed when he stood for a moment and pulled back the covers to slink beneath them and lay next to me. He was so close, his skin somewhat colder than mine as his hand brushed over my bare chest to rest on the other side of my body. He pushed himself up and was on top of me now, his body pressed against my own. His arms supported his weight on either side of me, his face hovered above mine.
I could feel my heart beating rapidly in my chest as I searched his face for an answer, but the only thing I found was his eyes, hypnotizing dark eyes. “You want me don’t you?” he said and lowered his head so that he spoke against my mouth, hot breath hitting my skin.
“Yes…” I breathed out, desire lacing my voice. I felt him shift slightly, so that more of his weight was on me. It was a beautiful feeling.
“You can have me. You can have all of me YunHo.” He said huskily and pressed his mouth against my own, the start of a passionate, hungry…
“YunHo. Get up. YunHo. Do you want me to spray you? Is that what you want? Because I will. Here it comes. YunHo. Get. Up.”
A few moments of silence came after that… maybe he was going to leave. Please just make him leave. I want to sleep. Sleep and dream.
“YUNHO! Get up!” JunSu shouted and pulled the covers off of my back to reveal me lying on my stomach, my pillow hugged into a ball under my head.
“Ugghhh.” I grunted out in annoyance as I turned and slowly sat up on the edge of the bed. I yawned and rubbed my face with my hands, hoping it would make it easier to keep my eyes open. I looked over at JunSu who sighed. He actually did bring a spray bottle filled with water, the one JaeJoong uses for the new orchids in the living room. JaeJoong. Another great dream ruined by the horrible thing called morning.
“Whattimeizit…” I managed to mumble out somewhat coherently before another yawn.
“It’s seven thirty. We have to leave in an hour. JaeJoong has already made breakfast. And we’re all waiting for you. And I’m hungry. So. Get. Up.” He said impatiently.
“I’m up! I’m up!” I knew he wouldn’t be satisfied until I wasn’t touching the bed in any way, so I stood. I went into the bathroom across the hall to relieve myself and wash up a little before venturing out into the dining room. JunSu walked behind me, his spray bottle at the ready should I choose to crawl back into bed. He was smart I’ll give him that.
I sat down at my usual seat at the table, next to JaeJoong’s usual seat. Of course he didn’t sit there; he sat in the sixth chair. The one we normally didn’t use. I wasn’t surprised; he hadn’t sat there since that night. That night I found him crying in his room, the night he pushed me away. Unfortunately this time, it felt like it was for good.
I didn’t look at him, though I really wanted to. I simply picked up my fork, and started eating the breakfast that was already set in front of me.
It didn’t start out like this. At the start we were friends, maybe it was the isolation of being famous, but I felt closer to him than I had with any other friend. Then all too soon, our hugs grew longer, our looks more loving, our touches sweeter. It was gradual, and to tell the truth, I didn’t know what was happening. It seemed so natural and right that I simply let my feelings for JaeJoong grow. I didn’t fully understand them. I didn’t for a long time. They seemed so organic, but part of me felt like it was wrong. I had to continuously remind myself that he’s my best friend, and he’s a man.
It became harder and harder to resist giving in to my want for him. Especially since he showed signs of returning my feelings. At first, I was able to joke and talk my way out of situations where I might do something I would regret.
Then, just when I became more comfortable with the idea of being with JaeJoong, he became distant, pushing me away whenever I showed him affection. His whispers the time he spent alone with YooChun sent daggers of jealousy into my chest, but I wouldn’t let him see that. I couldn’t. Eventually I decided not to try anymore. It was hopeless.
One night we had been sitting on the couch, watching some dumb action movie. However my attention wasn’t on the movie, but on how close he was getting. He snuggled up next to me and I grew warmer at his touch, loving the feeling of him close. Then he ran off, something was wrong with him, and it wasn’t his stomach. I followed him into the bedroom, and he was crying. He wouldn’t tell me what was wrong; he just showed me the door. We hadn’t really spoken since that night, two days ago.
“I’m not hungry anymore.” I said to no one in particular. I took my barely touched plate to the trash and dumped the food before putting the dirty dish in the sink. I ignored the puzzled looks of my band mates as I left for the bathroom. I took a shower and then went to my room to dress. My mind swirled with thoughts and memories that I wanted to forget as I got ready for work.
After a quick and uncomfortably quiet trip in a company van, we arrived at the studio where the photo shoot was being held. We had been previously fitted but, of course, our stylist had more to tweak and perfect. We made it through hours of preparation under the hot lights of the make up artists, tailors, and stylists. All the while I avoided JaeJoong. I couldn’t stand to be around him, it was only heartbreaking to see his face that used to look upon me with affection, but now only did so in my dreams. I sighed tiredly as a makeup artist came up to me while the photographer changed the lighting. She patted my face with her brush and I waited for her to be done before I continued the poses that I was directed to do.
“Okay now the whole group please? Yes… just all together.” The photographer said from behind his camera, motioning for us to all get closer. ChangMin was between JaeJoong and me. We did as we were instructed, moving in the ways the photographer wanted.
“Okay. Now YooChun and JaeJoong please.” He said still busy angling his camera.
I walked off with the others as JaeJoong and YooChun started their poses that the photographer liked. He may have liked it, but I sure as hell didn’t. I looked away not wanting my jealousy to be seen by the others. Thankfully ChangMin distracted me with his babble about the makeup artist.
“Did you see her? I mean... damn. She should be a model. Not doing make up for models.”
“Yeah. She’s pretty hot.” I said with a forced smile, but they usually could pass for the real thing.
“You know what. I think… Yes… her legs are the best.” He said motioning the outline of her body with his hands. “No… where her legs meet her back. Actually no that whole area…”
I genuinely laughed at this and patted ChangMin on the back. “ChangMin. You need a girlfriend or something.” I said and laughed again.
“That’s a little difficult considering I’m in a boy band. The only girls I see want to rip out my hair and take it home as a souvenir. They scare me YunHo. Always…screaming…” I couldn’t help but laugh again and embrace his shoulders with my arm in a gentle hug.
“It’ll be okay.” I said with a condescending tone, “We won’t let the scary girls get you.” With that his elbow met my ribs sharply, “Ow… hey I didn’t deserve that.” I said rubbing the sore spot he had made.
“Yeah you kinda did.” He said with a laugh.
“Yeah I kinda did.”
By the time we had finished talking JaeJoong and YooChun were done their shots. Next the photographer wanted ChangMin and JunSu to pose together. JaeJoong left the set and walked over to where the rest of us were standing and stood next to me. I looked over at him, hoping he would look back. He looked at me briefly then quickly averted his gaze and started walking away. Of course YooChun followed him.
I closed my eyes and sighed. This day was going too slowly. I just wanted to go home, eat something, and distract my mind with music. Or better yet, sleep and hopefully have the dream that’s been repeating lately. Maybe this time I could finish it.
“Okay! Last one. YunHo and JaeJoong please!” The camera man said happily. Obviously he was also anxious to get this done. I was forced to get close to JaeJoong as the photographer directed me to sling my arm over his shoulder, while JaeJoong’s arm came around my back and hugged my waist. We continued the shoot, changing our poses as the camera clicked. I was professional of course, and smiled when I needed to, always keeping up appearances. However there was an aching pain in my chest. Whenever we had to move, our touches were bitter sweet, making me realize I really missed him. These past few days had been the longest of my life.
The shoot had finished and we had all changed back into our more comfortable casual clothes. A van took us back home, the ride as quiet as the one before it. We took off our shoes, JaeJoong went to start dinner, YooChun followed to help, JunSu started for his workroom, and I was going back to bed. ChangMin however, hadn’t moved from the entranceway.
“What’s going on?” He asked, staring at us with suspicion in his eyes.
“Huh?” JunSu answered him as we all turned.
“Everyone has been acting strangely. No one’s talking except me. What the fuck is going on?” He had obviously been spending too much time with YooChun.
JaeJoong looked at YooChun, YooChun looked at me, I looked at JunSu, JunSu looked nervous.
“Nothin’.” JunSu ended up saying.
“Nothing?! You guys… just tell me!” ChangMin was clearly loosing his patience. How can we tell him when I didn’t even know what truly had happened. All I knew was things had changed between JaeJoong and me. I didn’t understand why JaeJoong was acting like this.
“It’s none of your business.” YooChun said with a commanding tone. ChangMin looked at him for a moment. We could see that he didn’t want to drop the matter.
“Why is it like this? What happened?” he asked YooChun softly, walking towards him.
YooChun sighed and shook his head, the rest of us simply watching, “Just leave it. For now.” He said and this time ChangMin nodded. He looked at me and I quickly looked away, not wanting to face his suspicious gaze.
“Fine.” ChangMin said simply, ending the discussion for the moment, and left. YooChun disappeared into the kitchen, JunSu quick to follow him.
JaeJoong was still standing in the same spot, staring at the floor in thought. He looked so hurt and confused; I hated seeing him this way. I wanted to do something, hold him, kiss him, anything to make the hurt he was feeling go away. Except I knew he probably didn’t want that.
“Jae.” I said and he looked up at me, sadness was still etched on his face. “Please. Just… talk to me. Say something.”
“What is it you want to me to say?” he asked.
“I don’t care. Just anything.” I watched him for a moment, but he didn’t speak. “Jae, I miss my best friend.”
JaeJoong smiled sadly, “Yeah me too.”
“Then…” I began cautiously, “We’re okay then?”
JaeJoong nodded, “Of course.” Except something told me we weren’t. “I’m gonna go make dinner. It should be ready in an hour or so.” He said and left me to stand there, watching his back as he went into the kitchen.
It took me a few moments before I was able to look away and turn down the hall towards my room. I shut the door quickly and leaned against it, closing my eyes. “I think I love you too much JaeJoong. Too much.”
A/N:
1. Yeah I've got a lot of time on my hands these past few days. Thus these quickly punched out little chappies for you.
2. The ending will probably be the next chapter, or the one after it. *shrug*
3. I know I’ve been getting one of these out daily, but for the next couple of days I’m going to be crazy busy… so the wait might be like the wait on any other fic. I know. Hard to believe lol.
4. Thanks for the comments!
Go to Part Five