Happy New Year, VioletSauce! Exchange fic: "Stages Of Love" / Part 2

[atriums]

The months back in Seoul were torture. Is heart ached for a man halfway across the globe and he missed his fiancée’s comfort as well. But he had responsibilities, he knew that. The trip to Milan was merely a vacation. But what about falling for Yunho? Was that accidental? What is love really? If love was what he felt for Yunho, then what is it that he had with Boa? Was that not love?

He did not dwell on it. He had both a lover and a fiancée and he was happy, despite the current absence of both. It was a month later that his father had finally let up and allowed him to ‘check up on Boa’. His heart raced and it would not still. He genuinely missed Milan. It was the home of his two loves, therefore, his heart rested there as well.

Jaejoong planned to tell Boa about Yunho upon his arrival. He had kept his lover a secret from her for a long time and he knew it did not bode well for best friends to keep secrets from each other.

Still, back then, he didn’t know if he was really in love. It wasn’t as if he was any surer now but at least he wanted to know if Boa can help him understand his feelings in any way.
He was greeted by his fiancée. But before they can get comfortable and cozy enough for a talk, Jaejoong noticed her face marred by drying tears.

‘Love, what’s wrong? Who upset you? Was it me? Have I been away far too long?’

‘No, not you, idiot.’ Boa said with a quiet laugh

‘Who then? Don’t tell me it’s that boyfriend you had? Where is he, let me beat him up for you!’

‘Oh chill for a while, will you. We broke up. It’s been a while but it still feels as bad, you know.’

‘Why, though?’

‘Because he found someone else he loves. I can’t live with that. But it was mutual, don’t worry. I did not want to fall deeper, knowing it’s you I’ll be marrying. I don’t want to hurt more, you know.’ Boa explained.

‘Oh, is that so. I’m so sorry. I-‘ before Jaejoong can continue, Boa cut him off, pressing a finger to his mouth.

‘I know what you’re going to say and I don’t want to hear it. Instead, I want to hear about your lover you’ve been keeping mum about.’ Boa smirked, effectively frazzling her fiancé with the inquiry.

‘I-he’s just-ugh no point keeping it from you, is there?’

‘Nope.’

‘Alright, he’s…great, I guess. He treats me like I’m one of those stars in the night sky. Looks at me like he never wants to forget even an eyelash. He smiles like the sun and that takes my breath away.’ Jaejoong didn’t realize he was rambling off until the bell rang.

Boa groaned mumbling ‘but I’m too lazy to get up.’ Jaejoong smiled and offered to open the door for her. The sight that was revealed by the open door was not what he would expect.

‘Yunho?’

‘Jae…joong?’ the other man was equally surprised. Yunho had come to return the Boa’s ring, hoping he would be able to greet Jaejoong as an unbound man, as he promised before the other man had left. He was confused at seeing both his ex-girlfriend and hopefully current boyfriend together in the former’s apartment.

‘Um, Boa, I brought our ring back and Jaejoong, this is my answer.’ He says instead, the other half of his statement referring to that promise they made before Jaejoong left for Seoul.

‘I-‘ Jaejoong was still confused and lost and he fumbled with his ring before realizing that he couldn’t take it off. Boa caught on very quickly and hid Jaejoong’s hand in hers and smiled at Yunho.

‘Thank you, Yunho. Well, well, all this time, it was Jaejoong, for both of us, all of us, actually. This is interesting.’ She said deviously cheerful.

Jaejoong realized what she meant and was about to hyperventilate at their situation. ‘I’ll leave you two talk this out, you seem like you need to.’ Yunho nods at her in gratitude.

‘This doesn’t change anything Jaejoong. You know that, right?’ Boa said rather steely before retreating to her bedroom.

‘I know, Boa.’ Jaejoong smiled nervously. She worried at her lip, knowing that Jaejoong doesn’t know what he just meant. She knows him better than he knows himself but for now, she left them be.

‘She was my girlfriend and I did love her. Before I met you.’ Yunho starts.

‘She is my best friend and fiancée since birth. She still is.’ Jaejoong’s voice almost cracks.

‘This is ridiculous.’ Yunho laughs lighteheartedly and Jaejoong’s eyes light up at the musical sound.

‘Does this have change anything between us?’ Jaejoong asks worriedly.

‘No, love. Not if you don’t want it to.’ Yunho gathers Jaejoong in a warm embrace and into a searing kiss before he leaves, bidding the other man to talk to to his ‘best friend/fiancee’.

Jaejoong seeks Boa as soon as the door is closed, ready to apologize and cry and beg for forgiveness. He opens the door to what he assumed was the bedroom and he slides into bed behind her, cuddling as he whispered ‘I’m so sorry.’

But Boa turns around to face him with a smile, saying ‘I’m happy for you.’

Jaejoong tried to look for any trace of hurt or anger but there was only sincerity and his heart hurt.

‘I’m sorry for taking away your happiness from you. Especially when you finally had it.’

‘ I don’t mind, not when it gave you happiness instead. I know happiness has eluded you for a long time and now you finally have it.

It’s worth it. Once upon a time, he loved me. That was enough. Now it’s your story, love.’

Jaejoong looked into the strong woman he held in his arms and wondered how he deserves her. He knows that he doesn’t. But he knew, they were more than just engaged best friends. They were soulmates and he didn’t know how he would live without her.

Had their places been reversed, he would have done the same thing, he thinks.

‘Thank you.’ He all but sobbed.

‘You love him, he’s the first one you’ve ever loved.’

‘No. you’re the first and will be the last…this is just…’ Jaejoong defended, suddenly confused and now he wasn’t so sure.

‘Don’t be silly. I meant loved.’ Boa giggled at her best friend’s confusion, sure that he’d figure it out soon enough.

‘But doesn’t mean I will love you less. I’ll always love you, you know that, right?’ Jaejoong insisted and Boa merely smiled.

She tugs off her ring and Jaejoong’s matching one.

‘I’ll keep this for us, until the time comes when we have to put it on again.’ She says, kissing his cheek as she all but shoved him out, telling him to go to his lover now.
Jaejoong was happy that he gets to keep both of his lovers.

He knows he is selfish for wanting everything but he thought, if he can have it both, why let go of it?

They were twenty-one, young and naïve. Playing games they didn’t know how to.

/ / / / /
‘You’re back. I didn’t make dinner, are you hungry?’ Boa greets as he closes their apartment door.

‘Nah. I’m tired.’ Jaejoong shrugs.

He honestly was. Perhaps not physically but emotionally.

His affair with Yunho was messing with his head. He can’t seem to sort out his feelings. It’s like their first encounter, all over again. He, restraining and subsequently confusing himself and the reason is standing beside him, massaging his shoulders with a worried gaze.
He starts to shrug off his shirt and Boa helps relieve him of the clothing when she tenses.

Although Jaejoong couldn’t see the change in her expression, he felt it and he belatedly realizes what she must be staring at. Before he can turn to cover up his neck, he felt lips settle on his nape, tongue lightly grazing the skin.

‘You naughty boy. I remember leaving only 4 this morning yet you come home with 5.’ Boa’s tone was surprisingly teasing and sincerely curious. He was expecting more general disapproval and hurt but he got none. He was confused.

Boa didn’t bother asking. The lily-like pattern blossoming on Jaejoong’s neck, she knew it all too well. There was a certain way Yunho liked to mark Jaejoong; Boa saw Jaejoong sporting it in Milan, back in the days.

Against the pale translucent canvas that was Jaejoong’s skin, a rose-like crimson daisy lay. It was in the midst of splattered fading peach wildflowers. A symbolic anomaly of the differences between Boa and Yunho’s love.

Boa almost sobbed, conflicted with jealousy and relief. Jealous because she is tied to a man who’s in love with another, relief because her husband is acting on his honest feelings, although, she suspects, reluctantly.

"I told you, I don’t care. All I want is for you to be happy. As your wife and your best friend, I always wanted you to be happy. And no, I am not telling you to go have an affair, although that’s what you’ve been doing lately.

All I’m saying is that it’s okay. As fucked up as it sounds, it’s okay. Because I know. You’re my best friend Jae and this may have been a marriage of convenience but I’m starting to regret it. If not for me, then for you, for what you're dealing with because of this. Do you not feel the same?"

Jae was silent for a while, his big eyes staring at her.

‘I think…I think I feel the same. I love you and all but-‘

‘You love him more, still. Don’t deny it. We’ve been through this before.’

‘But what if I’m just lusting after him? And if I am truly in love with him, what does that make you?" Jaejoong asks earnestly desperate for direction.

Boa bites her lip, not wanting to tell her best friend exactly what she thought but not wanting to sugarcoat it either. With a resigned sigh, she answers him frankly.

‘Our marriage was a mistake, Jaejoong. It was a decision you failed to think through. Face it, Jaejoong, this is---‘ Boa knew she was hitting a nerve and that she was pointing out things her best friend did not want to hear. In the peace of their marriage, she forgot that Jaejoong was not beyond himself to retort or lash out at her.

Jaejoong was a proud man, that she knew. He was a perfectionist, idealist to a point and selfish. She knew Jaejoong would rather run away and ignore his faults and flaws than face the fact that he was not perfect.

There was a resounding sound of flesh meeting flesh, Boa's cheek stung and she was about to return the favor in anger when she saw the tears falling down her best friend's face. She dropped her hand and her indignance subsided.

‘Don’t say anything--just…I'm sorry, I-‘ Jaejoong turned around and the front door clicked shut as silence descended on the apartment.

Boa sighs.

This was the only way. It hurt her to do this, to act as if she could care less. Because although she values their friendship, she has grown to have deeper feelings for Jaejoong. Boa was still a woman and it was inevitable not to develop stronger feelings for her spouse. This is why they can't work, she thinks. Because they were best friends before they were married.

Jaejoong trusted her above all and no other friendship would come close to theirs. She turned from someone he would run to into someone he would run away from. Their marriage ruined their friendship and she thinks it only seems perfect due to their strong friendship; the power, the reputation, the peace.

All because they are best friends.

If only Jaejoong would see that. Boa hopes.

Rubbing the tender spot where she was slapped, she walked off to the bar to find some whisky to clear her head.

Acceptance
After his violent reaction towards his wife's insinuations, Jaejoong had run away, disgusted with himself.
How could he have done that; raised his hand against his bestfriend.

At that train of thought, he stopped walking as unease fell over him. Since when did he stop referring to Boa as his wife and instead, his best friend? Could she be right? Have they really messed their friendship because of this marriage? He didn't want to think about it, did not want to think about anything.

Anything except Yunho and the way he makes him feel. And oh did he make Jaejoong feel.
He made Jaejoong feel alive, feel loved and just feel.

For once in a long time, he is able to forget about his responsibilities, even his supposed moralities. Perhaps that's what scares him with Yunho. The fact that he is able to make Jaejoong let loose and smile and not worry.

Not that he's complaining.

But Jaejoong, brought up with a fixed image, knows nothing else but what is expected of him. None of which include being a cheating on his wife with another man. He sighs in frustration. His thoughts are much clearer now compared tovhis last breakdown. His feelings, however, are a different story. His question to Boa was honest. Actions were one thing and intentions and emotions another.

What does he know about love and how does he know that what he feels for Yunho is deeper than just lust for attention and passion?

The slight altercation with Boa made him realize that he is not the only one affected by this, that he's hurting Boa too. He felt a slight pang as he thought about what Yunho might have felt with this whole ordeal.

Stupid.

Stupid Jaejoong, he berates himself.

When had you become so selfish?

He fishes out his mobile phone, hastily sending a message to Boa:

[['I'm sorry. Don't wait up, I'll come home tomorrow morning. Love you.']]

He pocketed his phone, thankful that he had his wallet in his back pocket and drove his car into the damp city night. He was not going to come home with a confused heart, his best friend deserved more than that.

/ / / / /

Yunho was lounging in his study, thinking about work but not really doing it, when the doorbell rang. As he wasn't expecting any visitors, he walked to open the door worriedly. Could it be his sister? The door swung open and his lover's form was revealed. Definitely not my sister, Yunho muses.

‘Have you eaten dinner yet?’ Jaejoong asks, holding up a paperbag in which ,Yunho assumes, was take-out. Shaking his head in refutation, Yunho stepped aside to let Jaejoong in.

A few minutes later, they find themselves sitting across each other in the dining table, quietly eating pasta. The aroma of basil filled the air and it felt so reminiscent of their first 'date'.

Jaejoong ate his dinner contemplatively. His thoughts won't let him relax but the scent of basil eased his tension. Suddenly, he felt like the man he was during their first date; falling in love for the first time. However, unlike that night, he needn't lie to himself about loving 'her'. He did, but only as much as a best friend can. He loved Yunho, he thinks. But that's okay; he has the whole night to confirm his feelings.

Their impromptu meal was filled with much silence, words occasionally exchanged. Updates about contracts, questions about each other’s' parents, more of courtesy conversation than intimate discussions.

Jaejoong wasn't sure why he came here, bearing food. However, he knew that he was many things but not foolish. He needed to know how Yunho felt but more than that, he needed to know how he felt.

No more hurting anyone, a decision needs to be made, for all of their sakes.

Hours passed, conversation eased as they somehow ended up talking about the politics of linguistics, a common interest. Their night turning out to be too reminiscent of their first but neither man found that they mind.

The unspoken tension of their affair flittering into an amicable banter over a cup of tea. Before they knew it, midnight came.

"It's late. Are you staying the night?" Yunho asks, rather cautiously. Never had Jaejoong slept in Yunho's apartment. Most of their illicit trysts were conducted either at work or outside. In fact, this is the longest that Jaejoong has been in Yunho's periphery that they haven't fucked yet. He intends to keep it that way.

"Do you want me to?" Jaejoong replies, not flirtatiously but seriously.

Yunho notices the all-too sober look in Jaejoong's eyes and smiles and nods.

He smiles that million-watt smile that has Jaejoong's heart stuttering.

Damn it!

The smile that Jaejoong can't forget but hasn't been imprinted in his mind enough. He wants to live seeing that smile, get to know it like the back of his hand and even after it's tattooed on his mind, heart and body, he wants to be the one cause that smile, keep that smile, own that smile. Almost stifling in a sob at this realization, he turned his back to Yunho as he crossed the hallway to the other's bedroom.

Yunho realizes that clothes were to be kept on tonight. If anything, he was happy. Warmth flooded his senses as he feels the shift in Jaejoong's feelings.

He doesn't know exactly what has changed but their pace has steadied no frantic kisses or guilt-tripping. It's almost as if--- Yunho shakes his head, not wanting to get his hopes up. Or his lover waiting.

Jaejoong was already buried in the sheets when Yunho entered. The taller man gently slipped beside Jaejoong, an intimate but respectful distance. It almost hurt Jaejoong to notice how considerate his lover was and how attuned he was to his moods when Jaejoong didn’t bother to rediscover Yunho beyond his body.

"No kisses today?" Jaejoong could hear more than see Yunho's pout in the darkness. He chuckles, placing a chaste peck to his lover's protruding lips.

"Yunho-ah?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you love me?"

There was a long silence that Jaejoong feared he asked something wrong. But this conversation was long overdue and he's ashamed that it took slapping his wife to knock him straight and get him thinking properly.

"I do. I love you Jaejoong. I truly do. My feelings haven't changed since that night under the stars." the words were gentle and soft and sweet but also laced with hesitance. Jaejoong frowned slightly at this but Yunho felt the downward tug of his mouth and continued.

"But what about you? This between us now, what is it? For me it's rekindling our love but for you… it seems that it merely is a passion for lust. Tell me, Jaejoong, do you love me?" The insecurity in Yunho's voice cut through him.

Because he closed himself to all those feelings, words and sounds through the months, having them opened so suddenly was overwhelming.

No more running away now.

"I… I love you too, Yunho. But...I don’t know…" Jaejoong didn't know how to word his feelings, which frustrated him. His fears and doubts honest in the open. No more lies but words not any clearer, promises still flimsy.

Yunho took his hand in his and pressed his lips against his knuckles, one by one, eyes closed. When he got to his ring finger, he looked up at Jaejoong as he tugged on the silver band.

"Do you love me enough to remove this? Forever?" he asked so softly that it's ironic considering the gravity of what he's asking of Jaejoong.

When Jaejoong didn't reply, he drew back and turned his back to the other.

"Jaejoong, I will not be a sin, a stain on your marriage, a toy you will abandon. I let you break my heart once but never again. Tell me now if this is just a game for you, so that we can stop this before it ends the same way as it did before. Don't let me be the mistake in this." Yunho didn't wait for Jaejoong to reply and fell asleep, leaving Jaejoong an ultimatum.

Yunho's question mirrored the question he asked Jaejoong ages ago. Back then, Jaejoong didn't give a definite answer either. When he did, it was a very uncertain one, as he practically kept both rings, too selfish to give up one or the other.

When he looks back on it, he realizes that he caused this. His indecision, selfishness and curiousity led them to this predicament. He played a game he did not know how to, expecting to win just because he has never tasted defeat before. Light snores filled the tranquil air, signalling Yunho's definite descent to sleep.

Jaejoong watches the slight rise and fall of Yunho's back as he slumbered. This vulnerability offered to him, he wanted to deserve it. Resolutely, Jaejoong makes a decision. Despite their night ending on a cold note, the bed was warm and it was warmth Jaejoong wants to live with forever.

The warmth of someone who loves you, stupidity, inconsideration and selfishness and all.

Someone who loves you enough to leave someone else.

Someone you can love not because you need to but because you want to.

Someone who needs your love, not more of it.

Jaejoong draped his arm over Yunho's waist and buried his face into the crook of his neck as he fell asleep. More peacefully ever since their affair started.

Tomorrow will be the day he changes everything.

And for once, expectations and reputation be damned.

The next morning, Jaejoong awoke first. The first rays of sunlight peeking through the blinds. Jaejoong found that Yunho was still asleep. Smiling to himself, he kissed his lover's cheek, eliciting a soft groan. He hurriedly dressed, wanting to be back when Yunho wakes.

He hoped Boa was awake because they needed to talk, she needed to know. Driving back to their apartment, Jaejoong felt calm although he felt that he should be more contrite.

He found that he needn't worry about Boa. She was sipping her morning coffee when he entered the kitchen. He went to kiss her, out of habit or out of comfort, he didn't want to know.

His best friend looked haggard, dark circles under her eyes and hair disheveled even more so. Nevertheless, a weak smile graced her face and a bright twinkle in her eyes.

"So, did you sort it out?" she asks.

"Yeah. Look, I'm sorry about hitting you, I--" Jaejoong tried to apologize but Boa cut him off with a wave.

"I know you didn't mean it but that just made the situation real. You only took it seriously when you stopped thinking of me as your wife and instead faced me as your best friend."

"Yeah, you're right. You were right. I was listening to you as a husband and did not take your words as that of a best friend's advice. I should've done it sooner." Jaejoong admitted.

"I couldn't sleep last night. It felt weird, you know. The bed was too big and cold. But I'll have to get used to it now, don't I?" Boa sighed dramatically, although Jaejoong knew she was teasing.

"I love him, Boa. I'm sorry."

"No need to apologize. Don't you remember? No matter what happens, you love me and I love you and you can love him as much as you want knowing you'll still have me as a friend. Boa emphasized the last word as she seemed to realize that while Jaejoong found reason, he won't stop being selfish overnight.

Jaejoong flashed her a grateful smile. Boa took his hand and tugged his wedding band off.

"I'll keep this. As messed up as it is to say, I hope it's for forever."

"This time, definitely."

"Good. Because I'm not gonna deal with your bullshit again. One time was enough." Boa stuck out her tongue.

"I still have you, right?" Jaejoong asks worriedly.

"Of course, you silly boy. We're still best friends, first and foremost." Boa reassures his insecure 'husband'.

"Now, go. Yunho might be awake and he might get the wrong idea." Jaejoong found himself literally dragged to door and kicked out of his own apartment. Well, now living arrangements would have to be changed. But firstly, he must return to his love.

/ / / / /

They took a stroll around the park, the winter air chilly. The city was abustle, city lights twinkling and the crowd achatter. They were too absorbed with each other to notice.

"Are you staying?" Yunho asks Jaejoong.

"I don't know." Jaejoong secretly hoped that Yunho insisted that he did.

"Stay."

"Okay."

Jaejoong never thought to hold another in his arms or to be held. That love is to feel heaven, to feel alive and to feel happy.

"I gave Boa my ring, till it's time." Jaejoong confessed.

"What will you when it comes? The time, I mean."

"I will do what I have to do." There was regret in Jaejoong's voice and he hated it.

"I can't change your mind, can I?" Yunho implores.

"It won't change anything, we'll still be as we are." Jaejoong insists.

"How do you know?" Yunho stubbornly asks.

"Do you trust me?"

"Yes."

"No you don’t, you needn't have asked if you truly did." Jaejoong playfully accuses.

Yunho just sighs, holding tight onto Jaejoong's hands.

"I just don't want to be left behind, just like before."

"I promise you won't be." Jaejoong smiles.

"Promise?" Yunho presses.

"Promise"

/ / / / /

Although it took a break up, a marriage and an affair, Jaejoong did fulfill his promise. A year of self-deceit, hurt and uncertainty and he's finally able to face his lover with genuine confidence. When Yunho opened the door, Jaejoong held up his hand, displaying his ring-less finger.

"This is my answer."

Yunho smiles his goddamn smile and the sun shone brightly that day.

“I love you."