Sing Without A Song (7/8: It is Delicate and Lovely)
Title: Sing Without A Song (7/8: It is Delicate and Lovely)
Author: itsmadeofgold
Beta: norosegarden
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: ~4400
Disclaimer: None of this is true. But wouldn't it be nice?
Summary: Kris inhaled sharply. Oh OK. So it was going to be like this.
Previous chapters: You Walked Into The Room | Just Like The Ocean | Time Will Be The Thief | This Is All So Prototype | He Brings Me Sugar | Thought I Tripped on a Shoelace
On the second day, Kris considered sending a text. He went back and forth on it, sometimes thinking it couldn't hurt just to say hi, other times wondering if a little flirtation wouldn't be the better way to go. Most of the time, though, he just fought it.
It hadn't been that long. He knew he was just being extra freaked about it because he didn't know how long it would last. Like, if Adam had to go somewhere and be out of contact for a week, Kris could deal with that. It's not like he'd be pining after him and gazing longingly at his phone after two days, because he could live just fine without Adam.
But if that were the case he'd have an end point, you know, something to look forward to. He didn't really have that right now, and it was making him feel like a caged animal. He just couldn't stop thinking about Adam for even a minute; Kris's mind ran a constant stream of things he wanted to say to him.
But Adam had said he'd still be there if Kris needed him, right? Kris didn't exactly know what he meant by that... maybe just that if he had something important to say, Adam didn't want him to think the lines were closed. So, did that mean he wanted Kris to say something? Maybe that was exactly it. Maybe he had said he'd call, but really he was just waiting to see if Kris would do it first.
The very first time they'd met he'd kind of laid down a challenge for Kris, right? Maybe he liked to be chased. Maybe that was the point.
Except, no. Because Kris had to believe Adam had been honest with him whenever they talked, which meant he couldn't make himself believe that he was lying now. Adam really just needed space. His life was complicated.
So Kris fought the urge to reach out, and every day it got a little harder. When he broke down on the fourth day and got online to see if there was any news about Adam, he actually felt dirty about it. He knew plenty of people had seen the same pictures and he knew Adam knew they were out there, but looking made Kris feel like he'd lost his mind.
That didn't stop him from being relieved to see that the only pictures of Adam to pop up from the last few days were of him at lunch with a woman. Kris thought he recognized her; she was a friend of Adam's from his theater days. There were two pictures of them leaning toward each other across a table, seeming to be in intense conversation. In the third, Adam was laughing, one hand midway up to his mouth from his lap, like he'd been scandalized.
Kris smiled, then felt creepy about that and quickly closed his laptop.
And then it had been one full week since he'd heard from Adam, and Saturday again. Kris was getting ready to go out; he could not put Matt and Anoop off any longer and, complicated or not, maybe it was time for him to explore possibilities beyond Adam. Maybe he had been too wrapped up in this whole thing and ignored other options. Easier options. A part of his mind was yelling at him that there were certainly no options at the bar better than Adam Lambert, but he tried to ignore it.
Well, what else was he supposed to do? He was sure Adam had hooked up with somebody by now, couldn't imagine that he wouldn't have. That was the whole point of this, right? They weren't boyfriends, and there was no reason not to just have a good time and see what happened. And it would get his friends off his ass, and maybe... help his perspective or something, who knows. Maybe get his head on straight, as Adam had suggested he should.
He was standing in the bathroom, giving his hair one last glance in the mirror before leaving to meet Matt and Anoop at the bar, when his phone buzzed in his pocket.
Kris pulled it out and read the message, his jaw going slack.
Adam Lambert: Send me a pic.
Kris's head swam, and he reminded himself to breathe. As far as reconnecting went, this isn't what he'd expected.
He set his phone to camera and pointed it at the mirror, framing his face. He didn't smile as the took the picture, but tried to keep his expression as neutral as possible. He pressed send without attaching a message.
A moment later, his phone vibrated again in his hand.
Take your shirt off.
Kris inhaled sharply. Oh OK. So it was going to be like this.
He sent a message off to Anoop before replying to Adam. Sorry. Headache. Staying in. Talk to you tomorrow.
He set the phone down on the counter and unbuttoned his shirt, letting it fall to the floor. Grabbing the phone back up, he pointed it at the mirror again, this time getting a shot of himself from the waist up, cutting off just below the low-slug waistband of his jeans. He threw his shoulders back, went for a slightly sexier look this time, and snapped the picture. He pressed send.
A moment later, another message: Turn around.
Kris felt his face heating up, his heart accelerating. He reached down and unbuttoned his pants, stepping out of them as they fell to the floor. He turned around and took a picture of his back in the mirror, from the knees up, in nothing but his boxer briefs. He felt his blush creeping down his neck and over his chest as he pressed send.
He jumped when the phone started vibrating in his hand. A call.
"Hello?"
"You're a fucking tease, you know that?"
Adam's voice went straight to Kris's dick and he honestly felt like his knees were going to go weak for a second, like a damn teen princess or something.
"You asked for it," he said.
"I guess I did," Adam said in a low voice. "You're driving me crazy."
Kris moved into the bedroom on wobbly legs. "You're driving me crazy," he said in a voice to match. He lay down on his bed, free hand moving down to rub at his crotch. His breath hitched.
"Fuck, Kris," Adam said. "Are you... oh. Oh god." And then Kris heard clanking metal over the phone, and he realized it was the sound of Adam undoing his belt, and he groaned, his hand moving inside his underwear before quickly shimmying them down and off. He repositioned himself, propped up on pillows, and sighed at the sound of Adam purring in his ear and the feeling of his hand as it moved.
"I don't know what you did to me," Adam said in a broken voice. "I can't stop thinking about you. I keep thinking about the night in my dressing room, how fucking hot. Do you ever think about that?"
"All the time."
"I keep thinking... about your gorgeous mouth and fuck. I wish we'd had more time. I wish I hadn't had to leave because oh my god Kris, I would have loved to have flipped you over and fucked you. I keep thinking about it, it's like... so ridiculous that I've never fucked you. I should have. I want to... I mean, I should be fucking you right now."
Kris moaned in the back of his throat, his hand tightening and speeding up. He wanted that, too. The images came into his mind easily, so many possibilities; he had given it more than a little thought. His breath started coming in hitched gasps as he thought about Adam's skin on his and the many different ways Adam could take him.
"Are you gonna come?" Adam said in a breath.
Kris panted and moaned aloud again, imagining it, almost able to feel Adam. It was so close, so possible that Kris's skin seemed to celebrate and revel in future pleasures.
"Yes," Kris whispered.
"Good," Adam said. "I wanna hear you... oh my god, Kris, I swear... I just. Think about it. I want to hear you. Think about it... think about me and let me hear you."
And then Kris heard Adam's breath picking up speed in his ear, interspersed with low growls and moans and he imagined his face as he pumped his hand and thought of Kris and that was it, Kris was coming in harsh pants, rolling over onto the phone as his body tensed and back bowed. As he worked himself through it, groaning, he heard Adam cry out once and join him, which sent Kris into another round of spasms.
Kris lay there panting for a moment, a big stupid smile spreading across his face as his heart tried to find a way to slow down. After a few beats of silence he heard Adam chuckle.
"I figured if I was going to give in, I might as well go all the way," he said, almost meekly.
"I think that was the right choice," Kris said, still slightly breathless.
"Good, good. I'm glad you went with me on that."
"I'm glad you caught me at a good moment," Kris said. "That would've been awkward in public."
"No plans tonight?"
"I had plans, but I canceled them at take off your shirt."
Adam laughed. "So you could've gone out and actually gotten some, but you chose to stay home and jerk off."
"I'm sorry, but what have you been doing for the last few minutes?"
"I should be sleeping. I've got an early flight tomorrow."
"Oh, so you're still in New York, huh?" Kris smirked.
"Shut up."
"I knew you wouldn't make it. You do have a problem."
"Maybe I thought about it, and decided it's not a problem," Adam said.
"So I guess that means the break is officially over?"
"I would say so, yeah," Adam said, laughing.
"Well, good," Kris said, still feeling a bit high.
"But the question is... what now?"
Kris's mouth fell open. "Um," he said. That was all he could come up with. Part of his brain was chanting whatever it takes, but he felt terrified to say it out loud, paralyzed by the reality of it.
"Well," Adam said with a sigh. "Consider it, OK. I've got to get to sleep, I have to get up at ass o'clock to fly back to LA and go to the stupid Grammys. I'm presenting, though, so watch, OK?"
"OK," Kris said quietly.
"Seriously, don't forget to watch. And pay attention."
"OK, I promise I'll watch."
"Good. I'm gonna call you afterwards, so stay up."
"I will. Hey, Adam?"
"Yeah."
"I'm glad you texted me," Kris said, exhaling with a smile.
"No need to be smug about winning," Adam said.
"Not like that," Kris said. "I'm just really glad the stupid break is over. I hated it."
"I hated it too."
"OK... get your sleep. G'night."
"Goodnight."
Kris hung up the phone and reached over to drop it on the night stand. He swung his feet out of bed, grabbed a towel from the floor and wiped himself off with a sigh. It was still early. He could still get dressed and go meet his friends if he wanted to. He decided against it; he didn't feel like facing the outside world at the moment. Staying in with all the thoughts of Adam he hadn't even gotten to yet sounded much more appealing. Maybe he'd run a bath, have a beer.
He had a lot to think about. Most importantly, something more articulate than "um," to say when he tried to tell Adam how he felt.
Also, should he put in notice at work, or just take right the fuck off? Two weeks suddenly seemed like a very long time.
----------
The following evening, Kris settled into his couch, his feet up on the coffee table, and prepared to watch the Grammys. He had a bowl of popcorn in his lap as he turned the TV on just in time for the pre-show red carpet coverage to start.
The things he'd do for Adam, honestly.
As Kris watched the pretty people walk the carpet, the correspondents in their glittery outfits flagging them down and asking their inane questions, his cell phone vibrated once quickly beside him.
Feeling worn out but pretty. You watching?
Kris smiled and replied, yep. Can't wait to see who you're wearing.
A moment later: Wish I was wearing you. ;)
Kris laughed, then felt like he was having an out-of-body experience when he looked up at the TV and saw Adam there, bringing his hand out of his jacket pocket as he smiled and approached the first reporter on the gauntlet. He was just putting his phone away after texting Kris.
Kris wondered for a second if maybe his whole life were a dream.
And then he really saw Adam. He was gorgeous and all charisma; broad and tall, both attractive and intimidating. His eyes were shining, his hair and makeup perfect, his suit immaculate. He wore a sharply-cut, shiny black tuxedo with a a glinting silver shirt and black bowtie. He had the silver boots he'd sent Kris a picture of before Christmas on his feet. He was a rockstar, working the red carpet at the Grammys and doing it well; he had every right to be there. He exuded power and beauty, he was walking confidence. Kris felt overwhelmed. Dazed.
He thought he might be imagining things when Adam looked into the camera and winked, then brought his hand up to his mouth and blew a kiss.
And then Adam smiled, nodded his head and walked away from the reporter. Kris kept his eyes on him as he retreated in the frame and some young punk princess took her turn to be interviewed. Kris watched Adam in the background as he reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone.
Kris's phone buzzed. For you.
He looked back up at the screen. He could still see Adam. He put his phone away, and then a man came up behind him and tapped him on the shoulder. Adam turned and smiled at him, and the man reached up to fix a stray strand of Adam's hair, putting it delicately into place. Adam put one arm around the man and pulled him in for a quick hug, then they moved out of frame together.
Kris looked back at his phone, Adam's message still on the screen, and exhaled. That was a lot to take in in sixty seconds.
He pushed down the sudden surge possessiveness and need to know who that guy was and focused back on Adam's message. On Adam's gesture, really. Wow.
Thank you, Kris sent in reply, then thought that wasn't enough and sent another: I mean really.
After a lot of red carpet coverage that wasn't nearly as interesting, Kris began to watch the show proper with his only mission to spot Adam whenever he was on screen. He had a pretty good seat; he was right on the aisle and close to the front; they cut to him for reaction shots on occasion and every time it gave Kris a jolt.
At the end of one segment, as the show was exiting to commercial, the camera swept down over Adam's section of the room. Kris saw Adam in his seat, his head thrown back in laughter as the man Kris had seen him with on the red carpet leaned forward from the row behind, a hand on one of Adam's shoulders as he whispered in his ear. Kris felt the hairs on his arms stand up. He knew Adam had planned to go alone; he'd even said in his interview earlier that he was there without a date. And he wasn't exactly sitting with this guy, so who was he? And why was it freaking Kris out so much that he seemed to know him?
The thought of that little whisper made Kris's skin crawl. It just seemed so intimate.
He'd never whispered in Adam's ear like that.
When it was Adam's turn to present Kris tensed, sitting perched on the edge of the couch like he was ready to spring up at any moment. He couldn't believe how nervous he was for Adam, which seemed ridiculous since he'd seen Adam do exactly this kind of thing a million times before and not only had he never screwed it up, Kris had always known he wouldn't. Now that Kris understood him as a real person and presenting at the Grammys as an actual thing he had to do and not just a function of his directive as rockstar it seemed a lot more intense to Kris.
Adam did perfectly, of course, seeming natural and calm and doing the best he could with his silly scripted banter with the pretty blonde actress beside him. The camera focused in on him after the montage of nominees, and in the moment he was opening the envelope to reveal the winner, Adam looked up at the camera and winked. When he looked back down to read the name on the card, he was smirking.
A moment later, after the show had cut to commercial again and while Kris was still staring open-mouthed at his television, his phone buzzed beside him. He reached over for it slowly, then read Adam's latest message: Did you catch that one?
Kris laughed in disbelief. In a year that had been full of surreal moments, things just seemed to keep getting weirder. He was struggling to make sense of all the many things he was feeling at the moment, all the while keeping an eye out for secret messages from his TV like a crazy person.
Yes! he replied, wanting to elaborate but at a loss for words. And afraid if he started typing he'd lose control of his fingers and who is that guy might slip out.
When the awards were over, Kris watched the after-show coverage, searching for Adam in the crowd of celebrities as they milled around and checked in with reporters. When he finally spotted him, he was standing with that same guy again; they were laughing as they talked. The guy reached up and smoothed out the shoulders of Adam's suit, his head tilted to the side, looking at Adam with affection. And then Adam was beckoned by a reporter; he turned away from the guy and toward the camera, and suddenly there he was in the foreground, seeming to be looking right at Kris again.
Kris felt like his head was spinning from the number and extremity of emotions he was pinballing through. Directly on the heels of his petulant and irrational jealousy toward the mystery Grammy-man, he looked at Adam now, up close, and felt his breath leave him. He was just so beautiful. So confident. So charming. And he was really there, tonight, really at the Grammys, and the person pointing the microphone at him now was thrilled to have gotten a moment of his time. This was just what his life was like and who he was; he was a real person who lived and breathed and was born for this and did it beautifully. Kris wondered if he was crazy for thinking he could ever add anything to Adam's life, if he was even strong enough to be a part of it.
He really wanted to, though. Adam needed somebody to be there for him and he deserved it too, and Kris thought he could do a great job at that. He might not be the most talkative person at parties and he might not be the most seen celebrity significant other, but he thought when it came to the important stuff, the stuff that Adam needed, Kris would be perfect.
And he was finally allowing himself to believe that Adam wanted that, too. That Adam thought Kris might be perfect.
Kris watched Adam talking on his TV, his mouth curving into a beautiful smile, then breaking open into a full laugh. Gorgeous, Kris thought. And he can be mine. And then Kris remembered that guy again, that guy-touching-Adam, and he felt like his blood was igniting. The slow build of anger and fear that came on him was so foreign to Kris at first he couldn't categorize it at all.
The after-show coverage ended with rolling credits, then transitioned into local news. Kris turned off the TV and leaned back on the couch, thinking about Adam and the future and everything he wanted to do with him and to him... and then that stupid guy again. Why couldn't Kris let those few little images go, when Adam had given him so much to be hopeful about?
He thought maybe his fear at not getting to have Adam was equal to his joy at the idea of having him. Maybe the idea of something getting in the way was just too terrifying to deal with, now that Kris had really allowed himself to want and believe.
He really couldn't tolerate the possibility that it wouldn't happen. He felt too ready. Too promised.
And then the phone was buzzing. Kris snatched it up and brought it to his ear, his eyes closed.
"Hey," Adam said. "Enjoy the show?"
"Yeah," Kris said, and couldn't fully explain why his voice was so husky. He felt like he was barely keeping it together, like he was on the edge of something.
"You OK?" Adam said.
"Yeah, fine. Did you have fun?"
"Yeah, I guess," Adam said, a confused note in his voice. "Are you sure you're OK?"
"Yeah. Listen, you'd tell me if you brought a date or something, right?" Why was that his first question? He was thinking so many things, most of them having to do with how amazing Adam was, how ridiculously lucky Kris felt that he'd wandered into his life one night, and how he absolutely could not wait to stop doing this stupid long-distance thing. And yet, all those thoughts seemed jammed together in his mind; he couldn't get them out. All that slipped through was this one, stupid thing, which he seemed helpless to contain.
"Of course I would," Adam said. "That's a weird question. Did you think I was with somebody?"
"I just saw a guy. You seemed pretty comfortable with him, so." Kris would've given anything not to have been having this conversation. He couldn't believe he'd said anything.
"Oh," Adam said, like a lightbulb going on. "Oh, him." He chuckled. "Jealous?"
"Who was he?" Kris said, a bit more intensely than he'd meant to. For some reason the sound of Adam laughing had made him feel like he was bursting into flames.
"Oh, you really want to know, don't you?" Adam laughed again and Kris felt like he was going crazy. "More than kind of jealous this time? That's interesting."
"Please," Kris said. He looked for more words but got stuck there.
Adam sighed. "He was nobody," he said. "Nothing for you to worry about, anyway. Trust me, you haven't had anything to worry about."
"I'm sorry?"
"I haven't had any kind of sex in the entire time we've been doing this stupid phone buddies thing. Well, nothing with a partner, anyway. Not once. Including this last week, when I was specifically supposed to be getting some. Well, that had been part of the plan anyway. I couldn't, though. I guess I'm a big fucking sap, I don't know. I just wanted you. Don't let my vulnerability affect your answer, though, you don't have to lie if you've gotten yours more recently." He laughed again, not sounding nervous at all. Conversational.
"No," Kris said, hoarse. "I haven't. Actually since. Well, it's been much longer than that."
"Since?"
"Since you, actually."
"Since me?"
"Yeah."
"Oh my god, that's awful," Adam said, sounding truly sad. A moment passed quietly, and then Adam made a noise that was half groan and half tsk, like he had been further considering the misfortune of Kris's sex life, and maybe a little bit how he'd like to remedy it. "Do you have to work tomorrow?" he said.
"Yeah," Kris said. "Why? It's not that late."
"Call in sick," Adam said.
"What?"
"Call in. Just do it, OK? I gotta go but I'll, um. Talk to you later, OK?"
"OK?" Kris said, and was opening his mouth to ask why when he heard a click on his phone and knew that Adam had hung up. He brought the phone down and stared at it indignantly. He considered calling Adam back and giving him a lecture on phone manners, then remembered the other call Adam had asked him to make. He felt like he was burning up, he face flushed and hot.
He debated it for about five seconds then realized pretty much whatever Adam wants, Adam is going to get, so he might as well skip the deliberations and cut to the chase. He called his supervisor's work phone and left a voicemail, making his voice rough and pausing to cough a couple of times. Then he paced the living room for a while before bringing his phone with him to his bedroom. He crawled between the sheets and tossed and turned, fitful, unable to sleep as he thought and wondered about Adam and what he had planned, the mysterious guy Adam had never really identified showing up like a phantom in his fantasies on occasion, derailing his thoughts and making him feel uneasy.
He finally fell asleep in the early hours of the morning, and it was only a few hours later when he was awoken by the sound of somebody repeatedly pounding on his door.
Part Eight!
Author: itsmadeofgold
Beta: norosegarden
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: ~4400
Disclaimer: None of this is true. But wouldn't it be nice?
Summary: Kris inhaled sharply. Oh OK. So it was going to be like this.
Previous chapters: You Walked Into The Room | Just Like The Ocean | Time Will Be The Thief | This Is All So Prototype | He Brings Me Sugar | Thought I Tripped on a Shoelace
On the second day, Kris considered sending a text. He went back and forth on it, sometimes thinking it couldn't hurt just to say hi, other times wondering if a little flirtation wouldn't be the better way to go. Most of the time, though, he just fought it.
It hadn't been that long. He knew he was just being extra freaked about it because he didn't know how long it would last. Like, if Adam had to go somewhere and be out of contact for a week, Kris could deal with that. It's not like he'd be pining after him and gazing longingly at his phone after two days, because he could live just fine without Adam.
But if that were the case he'd have an end point, you know, something to look forward to. He didn't really have that right now, and it was making him feel like a caged animal. He just couldn't stop thinking about Adam for even a minute; Kris's mind ran a constant stream of things he wanted to say to him.
But Adam had said he'd still be there if Kris needed him, right? Kris didn't exactly know what he meant by that... maybe just that if he had something important to say, Adam didn't want him to think the lines were closed. So, did that mean he wanted Kris to say something? Maybe that was exactly it. Maybe he had said he'd call, but really he was just waiting to see if Kris would do it first.
The very first time they'd met he'd kind of laid down a challenge for Kris, right? Maybe he liked to be chased. Maybe that was the point.
Except, no. Because Kris had to believe Adam had been honest with him whenever they talked, which meant he couldn't make himself believe that he was lying now. Adam really just needed space. His life was complicated.
So Kris fought the urge to reach out, and every day it got a little harder. When he broke down on the fourth day and got online to see if there was any news about Adam, he actually felt dirty about it. He knew plenty of people had seen the same pictures and he knew Adam knew they were out there, but looking made Kris feel like he'd lost his mind.
That didn't stop him from being relieved to see that the only pictures of Adam to pop up from the last few days were of him at lunch with a woman. Kris thought he recognized her; she was a friend of Adam's from his theater days. There were two pictures of them leaning toward each other across a table, seeming to be in intense conversation. In the third, Adam was laughing, one hand midway up to his mouth from his lap, like he'd been scandalized.
Kris smiled, then felt creepy about that and quickly closed his laptop.
And then it had been one full week since he'd heard from Adam, and Saturday again. Kris was getting ready to go out; he could not put Matt and Anoop off any longer and, complicated or not, maybe it was time for him to explore possibilities beyond Adam. Maybe he had been too wrapped up in this whole thing and ignored other options. Easier options. A part of his mind was yelling at him that there were certainly no options at the bar better than Adam Lambert, but he tried to ignore it.
Well, what else was he supposed to do? He was sure Adam had hooked up with somebody by now, couldn't imagine that he wouldn't have. That was the whole point of this, right? They weren't boyfriends, and there was no reason not to just have a good time and see what happened. And it would get his friends off his ass, and maybe... help his perspective or something, who knows. Maybe get his head on straight, as Adam had suggested he should.
He was standing in the bathroom, giving his hair one last glance in the mirror before leaving to meet Matt and Anoop at the bar, when his phone buzzed in his pocket.
Kris pulled it out and read the message, his jaw going slack.
Adam Lambert: Send me a pic.
Kris's head swam, and he reminded himself to breathe. As far as reconnecting went, this isn't what he'd expected.
He set his phone to camera and pointed it at the mirror, framing his face. He didn't smile as the took the picture, but tried to keep his expression as neutral as possible. He pressed send without attaching a message.
A moment later, his phone vibrated again in his hand.
Take your shirt off.
Kris inhaled sharply. Oh OK. So it was going to be like this.
He sent a message off to Anoop before replying to Adam. Sorry. Headache. Staying in. Talk to you tomorrow.
He set the phone down on the counter and unbuttoned his shirt, letting it fall to the floor. Grabbing the phone back up, he pointed it at the mirror again, this time getting a shot of himself from the waist up, cutting off just below the low-slug waistband of his jeans. He threw his shoulders back, went for a slightly sexier look this time, and snapped the picture. He pressed send.
A moment later, another message: Turn around.
Kris felt his face heating up, his heart accelerating. He reached down and unbuttoned his pants, stepping out of them as they fell to the floor. He turned around and took a picture of his back in the mirror, from the knees up, in nothing but his boxer briefs. He felt his blush creeping down his neck and over his chest as he pressed send.
He jumped when the phone started vibrating in his hand. A call.
"Hello?"
"You're a fucking tease, you know that?"
Adam's voice went straight to Kris's dick and he honestly felt like his knees were going to go weak for a second, like a damn teen princess or something.
"You asked for it," he said.
"I guess I did," Adam said in a low voice. "You're driving me crazy."
Kris moved into the bedroom on wobbly legs. "You're driving me crazy," he said in a voice to match. He lay down on his bed, free hand moving down to rub at his crotch. His breath hitched.
"Fuck, Kris," Adam said. "Are you... oh. Oh god." And then Kris heard clanking metal over the phone, and he realized it was the sound of Adam undoing his belt, and he groaned, his hand moving inside his underwear before quickly shimmying them down and off. He repositioned himself, propped up on pillows, and sighed at the sound of Adam purring in his ear and the feeling of his hand as it moved.
"I don't know what you did to me," Adam said in a broken voice. "I can't stop thinking about you. I keep thinking about the night in my dressing room, how fucking hot. Do you ever think about that?"
"All the time."
"I keep thinking... about your gorgeous mouth and fuck. I wish we'd had more time. I wish I hadn't had to leave because oh my god Kris, I would have loved to have flipped you over and fucked you. I keep thinking about it, it's like... so ridiculous that I've never fucked you. I should have. I want to... I mean, I should be fucking you right now."
Kris moaned in the back of his throat, his hand tightening and speeding up. He wanted that, too. The images came into his mind easily, so many possibilities; he had given it more than a little thought. His breath started coming in hitched gasps as he thought about Adam's skin on his and the many different ways Adam could take him.
"Are you gonna come?" Adam said in a breath.
Kris panted and moaned aloud again, imagining it, almost able to feel Adam. It was so close, so possible that Kris's skin seemed to celebrate and revel in future pleasures.
"Yes," Kris whispered.
"Good," Adam said. "I wanna hear you... oh my god, Kris, I swear... I just. Think about it. I want to hear you. Think about it... think about me and let me hear you."
And then Kris heard Adam's breath picking up speed in his ear, interspersed with low growls and moans and he imagined his face as he pumped his hand and thought of Kris and that was it, Kris was coming in harsh pants, rolling over onto the phone as his body tensed and back bowed. As he worked himself through it, groaning, he heard Adam cry out once and join him, which sent Kris into another round of spasms.
Kris lay there panting for a moment, a big stupid smile spreading across his face as his heart tried to find a way to slow down. After a few beats of silence he heard Adam chuckle.
"I figured if I was going to give in, I might as well go all the way," he said, almost meekly.
"I think that was the right choice," Kris said, still slightly breathless.
"Good, good. I'm glad you went with me on that."
"I'm glad you caught me at a good moment," Kris said. "That would've been awkward in public."
"No plans tonight?"
"I had plans, but I canceled them at take off your shirt."
Adam laughed. "So you could've gone out and actually gotten some, but you chose to stay home and jerk off."
"I'm sorry, but what have you been doing for the last few minutes?"
"I should be sleeping. I've got an early flight tomorrow."
"Oh, so you're still in New York, huh?" Kris smirked.
"Shut up."
"I knew you wouldn't make it. You do have a problem."
"Maybe I thought about it, and decided it's not a problem," Adam said.
"So I guess that means the break is officially over?"
"I would say so, yeah," Adam said, laughing.
"Well, good," Kris said, still feeling a bit high.
"But the question is... what now?"
Kris's mouth fell open. "Um," he said. That was all he could come up with. Part of his brain was chanting whatever it takes, but he felt terrified to say it out loud, paralyzed by the reality of it.
"Well," Adam said with a sigh. "Consider it, OK. I've got to get to sleep, I have to get up at ass o'clock to fly back to LA and go to the stupid Grammys. I'm presenting, though, so watch, OK?"
"OK," Kris said quietly.
"Seriously, don't forget to watch. And pay attention."
"OK, I promise I'll watch."
"Good. I'm gonna call you afterwards, so stay up."
"I will. Hey, Adam?"
"Yeah."
"I'm glad you texted me," Kris said, exhaling with a smile.
"No need to be smug about winning," Adam said.
"Not like that," Kris said. "I'm just really glad the stupid break is over. I hated it."
"I hated it too."
"OK... get your sleep. G'night."
"Goodnight."
Kris hung up the phone and reached over to drop it on the night stand. He swung his feet out of bed, grabbed a towel from the floor and wiped himself off with a sigh. It was still early. He could still get dressed and go meet his friends if he wanted to. He decided against it; he didn't feel like facing the outside world at the moment. Staying in with all the thoughts of Adam he hadn't even gotten to yet sounded much more appealing. Maybe he'd run a bath, have a beer.
He had a lot to think about. Most importantly, something more articulate than "um," to say when he tried to tell Adam how he felt.
Also, should he put in notice at work, or just take right the fuck off? Two weeks suddenly seemed like a very long time.
----------
The following evening, Kris settled into his couch, his feet up on the coffee table, and prepared to watch the Grammys. He had a bowl of popcorn in his lap as he turned the TV on just in time for the pre-show red carpet coverage to start.
The things he'd do for Adam, honestly.
As Kris watched the pretty people walk the carpet, the correspondents in their glittery outfits flagging them down and asking their inane questions, his cell phone vibrated once quickly beside him.
Feeling worn out but pretty. You watching?
Kris smiled and replied, yep. Can't wait to see who you're wearing.
A moment later: Wish I was wearing you. ;)
Kris laughed, then felt like he was having an out-of-body experience when he looked up at the TV and saw Adam there, bringing his hand out of his jacket pocket as he smiled and approached the first reporter on the gauntlet. He was just putting his phone away after texting Kris.
Kris wondered for a second if maybe his whole life were a dream.
And then he really saw Adam. He was gorgeous and all charisma; broad and tall, both attractive and intimidating. His eyes were shining, his hair and makeup perfect, his suit immaculate. He wore a sharply-cut, shiny black tuxedo with a a glinting silver shirt and black bowtie. He had the silver boots he'd sent Kris a picture of before Christmas on his feet. He was a rockstar, working the red carpet at the Grammys and doing it well; he had every right to be there. He exuded power and beauty, he was walking confidence. Kris felt overwhelmed. Dazed.
He thought he might be imagining things when Adam looked into the camera and winked, then brought his hand up to his mouth and blew a kiss.
And then Adam smiled, nodded his head and walked away from the reporter. Kris kept his eyes on him as he retreated in the frame and some young punk princess took her turn to be interviewed. Kris watched Adam in the background as he reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone.
Kris's phone buzzed. For you.
He looked back up at the screen. He could still see Adam. He put his phone away, and then a man came up behind him and tapped him on the shoulder. Adam turned and smiled at him, and the man reached up to fix a stray strand of Adam's hair, putting it delicately into place. Adam put one arm around the man and pulled him in for a quick hug, then they moved out of frame together.
Kris looked back at his phone, Adam's message still on the screen, and exhaled. That was a lot to take in in sixty seconds.
He pushed down the sudden surge possessiveness and need to know who that guy was and focused back on Adam's message. On Adam's gesture, really. Wow.
Thank you, Kris sent in reply, then thought that wasn't enough and sent another: I mean really.
After a lot of red carpet coverage that wasn't nearly as interesting, Kris began to watch the show proper with his only mission to spot Adam whenever he was on screen. He had a pretty good seat; he was right on the aisle and close to the front; they cut to him for reaction shots on occasion and every time it gave Kris a jolt.
At the end of one segment, as the show was exiting to commercial, the camera swept down over Adam's section of the room. Kris saw Adam in his seat, his head thrown back in laughter as the man Kris had seen him with on the red carpet leaned forward from the row behind, a hand on one of Adam's shoulders as he whispered in his ear. Kris felt the hairs on his arms stand up. He knew Adam had planned to go alone; he'd even said in his interview earlier that he was there without a date. And he wasn't exactly sitting with this guy, so who was he? And why was it freaking Kris out so much that he seemed to know him?
The thought of that little whisper made Kris's skin crawl. It just seemed so intimate.
He'd never whispered in Adam's ear like that.
When it was Adam's turn to present Kris tensed, sitting perched on the edge of the couch like he was ready to spring up at any moment. He couldn't believe how nervous he was for Adam, which seemed ridiculous since he'd seen Adam do exactly this kind of thing a million times before and not only had he never screwed it up, Kris had always known he wouldn't. Now that Kris understood him as a real person and presenting at the Grammys as an actual thing he had to do and not just a function of his directive as rockstar it seemed a lot more intense to Kris.
Adam did perfectly, of course, seeming natural and calm and doing the best he could with his silly scripted banter with the pretty blonde actress beside him. The camera focused in on him after the montage of nominees, and in the moment he was opening the envelope to reveal the winner, Adam looked up at the camera and winked. When he looked back down to read the name on the card, he was smirking.
A moment later, after the show had cut to commercial again and while Kris was still staring open-mouthed at his television, his phone buzzed beside him. He reached over for it slowly, then read Adam's latest message: Did you catch that one?
Kris laughed in disbelief. In a year that had been full of surreal moments, things just seemed to keep getting weirder. He was struggling to make sense of all the many things he was feeling at the moment, all the while keeping an eye out for secret messages from his TV like a crazy person.
Yes! he replied, wanting to elaborate but at a loss for words. And afraid if he started typing he'd lose control of his fingers and who is that guy might slip out.
When the awards were over, Kris watched the after-show coverage, searching for Adam in the crowd of celebrities as they milled around and checked in with reporters. When he finally spotted him, he was standing with that same guy again; they were laughing as they talked. The guy reached up and smoothed out the shoulders of Adam's suit, his head tilted to the side, looking at Adam with affection. And then Adam was beckoned by a reporter; he turned away from the guy and toward the camera, and suddenly there he was in the foreground, seeming to be looking right at Kris again.
Kris felt like his head was spinning from the number and extremity of emotions he was pinballing through. Directly on the heels of his petulant and irrational jealousy toward the mystery Grammy-man, he looked at Adam now, up close, and felt his breath leave him. He was just so beautiful. So confident. So charming. And he was really there, tonight, really at the Grammys, and the person pointing the microphone at him now was thrilled to have gotten a moment of his time. This was just what his life was like and who he was; he was a real person who lived and breathed and was born for this and did it beautifully. Kris wondered if he was crazy for thinking he could ever add anything to Adam's life, if he was even strong enough to be a part of it.
He really wanted to, though. Adam needed somebody to be there for him and he deserved it too, and Kris thought he could do a great job at that. He might not be the most talkative person at parties and he might not be the most seen celebrity significant other, but he thought when it came to the important stuff, the stuff that Adam needed, Kris would be perfect.
And he was finally allowing himself to believe that Adam wanted that, too. That Adam thought Kris might be perfect.
Kris watched Adam talking on his TV, his mouth curving into a beautiful smile, then breaking open into a full laugh. Gorgeous, Kris thought. And he can be mine. And then Kris remembered that guy again, that guy-touching-Adam, and he felt like his blood was igniting. The slow build of anger and fear that came on him was so foreign to Kris at first he couldn't categorize it at all.
The after-show coverage ended with rolling credits, then transitioned into local news. Kris turned off the TV and leaned back on the couch, thinking about Adam and the future and everything he wanted to do with him and to him... and then that stupid guy again. Why couldn't Kris let those few little images go, when Adam had given him so much to be hopeful about?
He thought maybe his fear at not getting to have Adam was equal to his joy at the idea of having him. Maybe the idea of something getting in the way was just too terrifying to deal with, now that Kris had really allowed himself to want and believe.
He really couldn't tolerate the possibility that it wouldn't happen. He felt too ready. Too promised.
And then the phone was buzzing. Kris snatched it up and brought it to his ear, his eyes closed.
"Hey," Adam said. "Enjoy the show?"
"Yeah," Kris said, and couldn't fully explain why his voice was so husky. He felt like he was barely keeping it together, like he was on the edge of something.
"You OK?" Adam said.
"Yeah, fine. Did you have fun?"
"Yeah, I guess," Adam said, a confused note in his voice. "Are you sure you're OK?"
"Yeah. Listen, you'd tell me if you brought a date or something, right?" Why was that his first question? He was thinking so many things, most of them having to do with how amazing Adam was, how ridiculously lucky Kris felt that he'd wandered into his life one night, and how he absolutely could not wait to stop doing this stupid long-distance thing. And yet, all those thoughts seemed jammed together in his mind; he couldn't get them out. All that slipped through was this one, stupid thing, which he seemed helpless to contain.
"Of course I would," Adam said. "That's a weird question. Did you think I was with somebody?"
"I just saw a guy. You seemed pretty comfortable with him, so." Kris would've given anything not to have been having this conversation. He couldn't believe he'd said anything.
"Oh," Adam said, like a lightbulb going on. "Oh, him." He chuckled. "Jealous?"
"Who was he?" Kris said, a bit more intensely than he'd meant to. For some reason the sound of Adam laughing had made him feel like he was bursting into flames.
"Oh, you really want to know, don't you?" Adam laughed again and Kris felt like he was going crazy. "More than kind of jealous this time? That's interesting."
"Please," Kris said. He looked for more words but got stuck there.
Adam sighed. "He was nobody," he said. "Nothing for you to worry about, anyway. Trust me, you haven't had anything to worry about."
"I'm sorry?"
"I haven't had any kind of sex in the entire time we've been doing this stupid phone buddies thing. Well, nothing with a partner, anyway. Not once. Including this last week, when I was specifically supposed to be getting some. Well, that had been part of the plan anyway. I couldn't, though. I guess I'm a big fucking sap, I don't know. I just wanted you. Don't let my vulnerability affect your answer, though, you don't have to lie if you've gotten yours more recently." He laughed again, not sounding nervous at all. Conversational.
"No," Kris said, hoarse. "I haven't. Actually since. Well, it's been much longer than that."
"Since?"
"Since you, actually."
"Since me?"
"Yeah."
"Oh my god, that's awful," Adam said, sounding truly sad. A moment passed quietly, and then Adam made a noise that was half groan and half tsk, like he had been further considering the misfortune of Kris's sex life, and maybe a little bit how he'd like to remedy it. "Do you have to work tomorrow?" he said.
"Yeah," Kris said. "Why? It's not that late."
"Call in sick," Adam said.
"What?"
"Call in. Just do it, OK? I gotta go but I'll, um. Talk to you later, OK?"
"OK?" Kris said, and was opening his mouth to ask why when he heard a click on his phone and knew that Adam had hung up. He brought the phone down and stared at it indignantly. He considered calling Adam back and giving him a lecture on phone manners, then remembered the other call Adam had asked him to make. He felt like he was burning up, he face flushed and hot.
He debated it for about five seconds then realized pretty much whatever Adam wants, Adam is going to get, so he might as well skip the deliberations and cut to the chase. He called his supervisor's work phone and left a voicemail, making his voice rough and pausing to cough a couple of times. Then he paced the living room for a while before bringing his phone with him to his bedroom. He crawled between the sheets and tossed and turned, fitful, unable to sleep as he thought and wondered about Adam and what he had planned, the mysterious guy Adam had never really identified showing up like a phantom in his fantasies on occasion, derailing his thoughts and making him feel uneasy.
He finally fell asleep in the early hours of the morning, and it was only a few hours later when he was awoken by the sound of somebody repeatedly pounding on his door.
Part Eight!