Sing Without A Song (4/?: This Is All So Prototype)
Title: Sing Without A Song (4/?: This Is All So Prototype)
Author: itsmadeofgold
Word Count: ~4000
Rating: R (Language)
Beta: norosegarden
Disclaimer: This is obviously extremely fictitious.
Summary: Part four of the story formerly known as fanboy!Kris AU (the rough plan right now is for seven or eight parts, if you were curious).
Previous chapters: You Walked Into The Room | Just Like The Ocean | Time Will Be The Thief
Kris was washing dishes in his kitchen and doing a semi-effective job of not looking at the clock when the phone rang. It was just before nine, which meant it was barely evening in Los Angeles, so he didn't really consider it tonight yet and therefore didn't jump at the sound. He was pretty pleased at that, really. His ability to be acutely aware of what time it was all day long and yet still keep some kind of rational hold on his impatience was admirable if you asked him. Which nobody would, of course, because nobody knew he was expecting this call.
He wiped his hands quickly on a tea towel and turned to grab his phone off the counter.
Adam Lambert
"Holy shit," he actually said out loud, then laughed at himself before clearing his throat and bringing the phone to his ear. "Hey," he said, a little more breathlessly than he would've liked.
"Hey yourself," Adam said, his smile evident in his voice. "This early enough for you? I hope you weren't expecting me to call the minute the sun set or something."
"Shut up," Kris said, smiling.
"That will make for a very boring phone call, but OK. You're the boss."
"Har-har," Kris said, his grin threatening to crack his face right in half. He had been totally prepared for at least a few hours of pathetically anxious phone-watching and at worst a horrible evening that ended in him going to bed disappointed. Actually, the worst-worst case scenario he had come up with involved vodka and the fact that Kris had Adam's number, too, but he had sworn to himself that no matter how late it got or bummed out he became, he was absolutely not going to drink and would thereby sidestep that catastrophe completely. He probably could've stuck to that, too. "I actually hadn't even begun to expect you, yet, so you're good," he finished.
"Oh, good," Adam said. "What're you up to?"
"You caught me in the middle of a glamorous moment. I was cleaning up after my dinner," Kris said, moving out of the kitchen into the living room and beginning to pace around the coffee table again. He was sure if he spent much more time on the phone with Adam he was going to wear a path there.
"Ooooh. Anything good?"
"Not really," Kris said. "Unless you're a big fan of frozen pizza."
"Oh, fancy."
"I know, right? Dare I ask what you've been up to today?"
Adam sighed. "A lot of craziness as usual. Meetings most of the morning, the label, management, producers, blah blah blah. I'm back in the studio now, so it's all about getting songs and finding people to work with and all of that. Actually managed to get in to the studio for a while this afternoon, but I just couldn't seem to get into the zone and nothing much came out of that. Then I had an early dinner with some friends, begged off telling them that I was tired - which isn't a complete lie - and came home."
"I see," Kris said, thinking about how wild it was that Adam had been doing all of that while he sat in his cubicle all day and dreading the moment Adam asked him what he did for a living. "So what's the plan for the night, then?"
"This is it," Adam said.
Kris was stunned for a moment before he said, "you're joking."
"Nope."
"It's seven o'clock, and you're home for the night... to talk to me?"
"Yup."
"You are so..." Kris stopped, his mouth moving soundlessly.
"So what?"
"...Confusing."
"How's that?"
"How can you go from not calling me at all for months to calling me three times in three days? I mean, seriously, tell me that if you didn't have plans to talk to me you'd be taking a bath with a book and going to bed early or something."
"Not at all," Adam said, sounding amused. "I could go out tonight, but I go out all the time. I wanted to do this instead."
"You make absolutely no sense to me. Like, none. At all."
"I don't know," Adam said. "I kind of got the impression you thought I was an asshole. And I'm really not. A flake sometimes, sure. And... OK, I get wrapped up in my own shit so much sometimes I forget the rest of the world is even there. I just. Wanted to show that I can be good."
"See, that's the thing, though," Kris said. "Why? Why do you give a shit if I think you're an asshole?"
"I like you."
"Yeah, so you've said," Kris said, rolling his eyes. "Repeatedly. Care to elaborate?"
"Actually, I like you a lot," Adam said.
"And?" Kris tried to ignore the fact that his heart had just stuttered and threatened to stop for a moment.
"The truth is, when you didn't call me back, I was really surprised. I totally was expecting to hear from you right away. It kind of pissed me off that I didn't, if I'm being honest."
"That's fucking hilarious, man," Kris said, finally stopping his pacing and perching on the arm of the couch.
"I know. So then when you didn't call I actually thought, well, maybe I got his number wrong or maybe he didn't get the message or... I don't know. It just never occurred to me that you just didn't want to call me. So I called again just to check, and was surprised that you answered... the whole thing last night kind of really caught me off-guard and made me realize that... maybe I had been kind of a dick. And it's like, so, so easy for me to be a dick because pretty much everybody will take it from me so even when I try really hard not to be a dick, I can slip into it without even noticing. Does that make any sense? Like, nobody will ever actually call me on it, 'cause they all want something. Or they're on my payroll. Or both."
"Yeah, so?"
"So, you were this guy that was there in the back of my mind, and it was like I had you on reserve or something. Like, I knew I was going to call you, and assumed that you'd be there whenever I did. It never occurred to me that that my being a big dicky flake could end up making you hate me, which would suck. And I felt bad. And... I want to make it up to you."
"So you're calling me because you have something to prove. To me? Or to yourself?"
"What are you, a shrink or something?" Adam huffed.
"No," Kris said. "Just trying to decide whether I should be excited that you just said you like me a lot or if I'm just a novelty that you're using to prove to yourself that you're still a nice guy."
"You're a ball-buster, you know that?"
"I don't think I usually am. But I'm trying not to get clobbered here. Again."
"No guilt trips," Adam said. "I hate guilt trips. I do really feel bad, and I want to make it better. Is that OK?"
"Yeah, OK. That's OK. Now tell me why."
"Why what?"
"Why you want to make it better," Kris said, sliding down onto the couch, swinging his feet up and resting his head on the arm. "Why it matters if my feelings were hurt. I spent a lot of time berating myself for ever thinking rock-star-on-tour would give a shit about a random guy he hooked up with in Arkansas. This is my chance to get answers. Because you do appear to give a shit."
"You want me to stroke your ego?"
"Yes, please," Kris said, an easy smile spreading across his face.
"Mostly it was the song," Adam sighed. "It was really good, I hope you know. And I always remembered it. I found myself humming it a few times."
Kris's smile fell as he shivered, remembering the sound of Adam humming along with him. He also abruptly remembered the last few times he'd tried to perform it, how he had changed his mind before even opening his mouth for the first verse, quickly beginning to play the opening chords of a different song when he realized he just wasn't going to be able to get his throat to let the lyrics out.
"And I remembered what you sounded like singing it, and how you looked," he continued. "You know... my life probably seems really interesting and fabulous, but it's mostly bullshit. Everything is so fake, all the beautiful people, you know. There's nothing to them. They might be nice to look at but they're boring as shit to talk to, and they don't give a fuck about anybody but themselves so there's never any... connection. I have my old friends, but I've known them forever so it's not like I get sparks from them, when we're hanging out. It's like everything is always the same. The people in my life are either the ones I've always known, so they're familiar, or new people who are either trying to climb up my ass to get something from me or flailing and screaming or... or just celebrities, who can't see anything past their own pretty faces. I haven't met many people like you, Kris. People that made me... that were really new."
"That one song did all that?"
"Well, that was the most striking thing, I guess, for me," Adam said. "But you know, I liked you even before that, too."
"How come?"
"How much stroking does your ego need?" Adam laughed.
"I'll tell you what I like about you when you're done, if you want."
"OK. Well, you made me laugh and seemed very easy-going and chill, and didn't freak out on me... also, you're really cute. Have I mentioned that you were really cute?"
"Yes. But feel free to say it again."
"So cute."
"Awesome," Kris said, chuckling. "So why did you put me off for so long, then, if I was so special?"
"I don't really know, to be honest," Adam said. "I mean, I don't want to give the impression that you were always on my mind or anything. But I did think about... I would remember you on occasion and it was just nice to remember, to know you were there."
"On reserve."
"Yeah," Adam chuckled, a touch awkwardly. "Does that sound really bad?"
"It doesn't sound great," Kris said. "But I am prepared to let you redeem yourself."
"That's so big of you."
"I'm nothing if not giving," Kris said. "So, how are you going to do it, do you think?"
"Well," Adam said, drawing the word out. "I did offer to bring you out to LA. And I would still like for you to come."
Kris swung his legs back off the couch, his face screwing up into a grimace as he sat up. "Um," he said. "I do want to go. But I don't think I want to do it just yet."
"What?"
"I just... I'm trying to be level-headed now, you know? I don't want to seem completely pathetic, but I... I have to admit I was pretty fucked up about the whole thing. This fall, when I thought I would hear from you and then didn't. It blew pretty hard. That's not a guilt trip, by the way, I'm just trying to explain."
"OK."
"I am glad that you called, though, finally," he said. "And while I'm not thrilled to hear that I was pretty much a backup plan, I do... I do kind of believe that you have some kind of interest in me, whatever it is. I'd just like to be sure it's not a passing interest, I guess. Or a novelty, like I said. I've kind of had enough of feeling like an idiot to last me for a while, and I'd like to be a little more careful this time."
"Well, OK," Adam said, sounding confused. "But what do you want to do, then, if not come visit? I will help you record, by the way. If nothing else that's a reason to come, isn't it?"
"It is," Kris said. "And it's possible I'll end up feeling like an idiot anyway if I miss my chance at that. But I hope I can still go someday, once I feel like we're at least friends. Does that make sense or am I making unreasonable demands?"
"So you want to... what? Be phone buddies?"
Kris laughed. "Sure, you can call it that, I guess. Can you do that?"
"Yeah, I think I can," Adam said. "As long as you know that sometimes I'm just not available. You know? It's not like I can call you every night."
"Of course. We'll see how it goes, yeah?"
"OK. So what do you want to talk about now, then?"
Kris searched his mind for a topic of conversation - a getting-to-know-you starter to throw at Adam Lambert. The truth was, he knew pretty much everything there was to know about the guy; Adam was an open book in interviews and things like his movie and music tastes and the basics of his past were well-travelled territory. Kris could've answered those questions for him. Now that they were past the essential drama of their whatever-it-is relationship, he was kind of at a loss.
"Um," he said. "I don't know. Actually, I feel like I know a whole lot about you already, but you don't know me. Why don't you pick a topic."
"OK," Adam said, then paused for a moment. "Music. Specifically yours. Were you serious when you said that nobody listens to you at those open mics?"
"Yeah, man," Kris said, laying back down on the couch. "There are a few I go to pretty often, and sometimes I wonder why I bother."
"That's ridiculous."
"Why?"
"Because you're great. Obviously talented and great-looking on top of that. Actually... I wanted to hear more of your songs, I'm kind of bummed that you're not going to come out here and play for me."
"Well, maybe I'll play for you over the phone sometime. Compromise."
"Deal. Hey, you should put me on speaker at one of those open mics sometime and I'll yell hey! Pay attention! Kris fucking Allen is singing!"
Kris laughed, blushing a little. "That might work. Or get me kicked out of the coffee house, could go either way."
"What was that song you played for me called?"
"Um, it's called 'Break'."
"Ah, that's right. I remember." He started singing lowly: "Break myself open, break me apart. Leave this place and make a new start. Can't take you with me, gotta do this alone. Break away from myself, break into unknown. Something like that. Is that right?"
Kris was quiet, feeling frozen in place and on fire at the same time. He could not believe that Adam had remembered his lyrics, that he was singing them back to him. And he had embellished the melody a little bit, like he knew the song well and was adding his signature to it. It was so unexpected Kris could hardly process it.
"Yeah," he finally said, struggling to keep his voice even. "That's... yeah. Perfect. Exactly right."
"Oh, cool," Adam said, not seeming to realize what had just happened, that he had knocked the breath right out of Kris. "I always kind of felt like the words were right on the tip of my tongue, but I could never exactly remember them. Just needed the key word, I guess."
"I guess so."
Kris tried to think of something else to say, but came up blank. His mind seemed to have checked out for the moment, replaying the sound of Adam's voice singing his words back to him again and again, hoping it would make sense in some way or begin to seem real, but finding instead it became more and more dreamlike. He wondered if it would always be this way, if there would ever be a time when he would stop having these holy-shit-it's-Adam moments or whether he would forever find himself getting comfortable only unexpectedly to be rocked again. On the heels of that thought came the realization that if this phone-buddies thing worked out, he would have a chance to find out. He wasn't sure whether he'd prefer to get used to it or continue to feel like his world had turned upside down, but the fact that it at least looked like he'd get to see which way it would go soothed him. That didn't bring him any closer to thinking of something to say, though, and the silence seemed to last a few beats too long.
"You forgot to tell me what you like about me," Adam said suddenly, his voice soft.
Kris took a deep breath. "I don't know where to begin, man," he said. "Right now I'm trying to figure out what's real and what isn't, you know?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I've liked you a lot longer than you've liked me. But it was always as a celebrity, you know. So you have a couple days worth of stuff to think on, and I have years of it... but I have to kind of sift through and figure out what's real, like what's OK to use as a reason to like you and what's just being a fan. I don't want to... I don't want you to think I just like the rock star. It's weird, I guess. Hard to explain."
"I'm really, really glad you're making that distinction," Adam said. "But I wasn't joking when I said it was all real... I try to be myself at all times. I haven't pulled many punches."
"So you mean all the thousands or more people who are in love with you are right to be? Like all the love letters and stalkery tweets you get are legit, because they really know the real you?"
"Hmmm," Adam said. "I hadn't really thought of that... well. Maybe not. I guess what they see is real, but it's not all there is. Maybe they have kind of a limited view of who I am."
"Real but incomplete."
"Yes. But seriously, I do want to know what you're thinking."
"OK, well," Kris said. "As far as stuff I've always loved, number one is your voice. You said you liked the way I looked and sounded, well... I send that back times a million. I have always loved watching you perform. It was like you said, going into a song and coming back out. You're great at that. That's why I was a fan... you know, plus the fact that you're kind of knock-me-on-my-ass beautiful."
Adam laughed. "Thanks for that. Photoshop helps, trust me."
"Please," Kris said. "I've seen you in person, remember?"
"And I've seen you, and I don't think I'm any better looking than you are."
"Well, OK. But. Well, whatever. Anyway. As far as real-life stuff goes, the fact that you're interested in me kind of makes my head spin."
"So you like me because I like you? And I thought I was supposed to be the conceited one."
"No, no, that's not what I mean," Kris grimaced. "I mean, the fact that you didn't dismiss me because I was a fan, and that you are grounded enough to freaking call me like this, not to mention indulge all my angsty bullshit, is pretty amazing. I think... the fact that you listen, that you like heard my jokes, for instance, and laughed at them and even formed the opinion that I'm funny at all shocks me, because you didn't have to do that. If you'd..." he stopped, not sure if he wanted to go where this was heading.
"If I'd what?"
"If... if you'd just wanted to take advantage of me, when you first came to town. If you'd just made demands, you know. I would've done it."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah," Kris sighed. "But you didn't. You talked to me, and cared about my music and... I think that kind of filled in my incomplete view of you, so to speak, at least a little bit. And made all the reasons I liked you to begin with... like, it made them legit. And that kind of cemented my... I don't even know what to call it. My feelings for you, I guess. But it changed them a lot, too, because I don't really feel like a fan anymore. Because you stopped being the guy on the magazine and started being the guy I... heh. The guy I have a crush on, I guess."
"Well, good," Adam said. "I like that better, anyway. I'm the guy on the magazine to too many people."
"You don't like that? Kind of seems like that's what it's all about, isn't it?"
"Sure it is. If I didn't get on magazines I wouldn't have much of a career. I wouldn't get to do what I want to do, you know, in the studio and on stage. But it gets tiring sometimes. Everybody thinks they own me, you know."
"I think maybe you own them."
"It doesn't feel that way, believe me."
"Is it hard?"
"Listen, I'm not going to complain," Adam said. "I know damn well I'm very lucky, and I have so much I should be embarrassed about it. I don't even want to say it's hard, because my lifestyle is so far from actual hard I can't even see it from here. But I can say that it is weird. I've gotten used to it, but it gets tiring... and every once in a while I'll have a moment of clarity where it dawns on me how fucked up my life is. How... abnormal, I guess."
"That's funny."
"Funny?"
"Well, not ha-ha-funny. Just, my life is so completely normal it's almost sad."
"Well, you're a gay guy living in Arkansas. I'm not sure that's completely normal. And you're phone-buddies with a rock stah."
Kris laughed. Actually, it came pretty damn close to a giggle, and he was almost embarrassed by it. He wondered how long they'd been on the phone and found he had no idea and didn't particularly care. He'd had phone calls with guys he liked before where he felt this pressure to speak, like if he didn't keep things immediate and engaging they would let him go. Like he had to be interesting, or at least if he couldn't keep them interested be the one to end the conversation so they wouldn't have a chance to. He wasn't really getting that vibe from Adam. They'd had a few little lulls - they were having one now - but he never felt the "I think I'm gonna let you go" hanging in the silence. He just felt comfortable. It was alarming how quickly that happened, honestly. Some part of him was trying to tell him he should be scared, that he was failing completely at the whole level-headed thing, that he was too giddy and thrilled with the past couple of days' events, that he should step back and not let himself be so excited.
He couldn't help it, though. The scared part of him was just going to have to learn to deal, because being scared would only take away from this, whatever it was, and a much larger part of himself wanted to enjoy it, however it ended.
He wondered how long they'd talk. He wondered if they'd talk again tomorrow. He wondered if Adam was as pleased with this turn of events as he was, then realized he could just ask him if he wanted to. He decided he didn't want to, though. He would rather be shown than told. He wanted to see what would happen next.
"Hey," Adam said. "Are you falling asleep?"
"What? No, man," Kris said. "It's a little early for that. Just thinking."
"Anything good?"
"Yes." Kris smiled, and he was sure Adam could hear it.
Part Five.
Author: itsmadeofgold
Word Count: ~4000
Rating: R (Language)
Beta: norosegarden
Disclaimer: This is obviously extremely fictitious.
Summary: Part four of the story formerly known as fanboy!Kris AU (the rough plan right now is for seven or eight parts, if you were curious).
Previous chapters: You Walked Into The Room | Just Like The Ocean | Time Will Be The Thief
Kris was washing dishes in his kitchen and doing a semi-effective job of not looking at the clock when the phone rang. It was just before nine, which meant it was barely evening in Los Angeles, so he didn't really consider it tonight yet and therefore didn't jump at the sound. He was pretty pleased at that, really. His ability to be acutely aware of what time it was all day long and yet still keep some kind of rational hold on his impatience was admirable if you asked him. Which nobody would, of course, because nobody knew he was expecting this call.
He wiped his hands quickly on a tea towel and turned to grab his phone off the counter.
Adam Lambert
"Holy shit," he actually said out loud, then laughed at himself before clearing his throat and bringing the phone to his ear. "Hey," he said, a little more breathlessly than he would've liked.
"Hey yourself," Adam said, his smile evident in his voice. "This early enough for you? I hope you weren't expecting me to call the minute the sun set or something."
"Shut up," Kris said, smiling.
"That will make for a very boring phone call, but OK. You're the boss."
"Har-har," Kris said, his grin threatening to crack his face right in half. He had been totally prepared for at least a few hours of pathetically anxious phone-watching and at worst a horrible evening that ended in him going to bed disappointed. Actually, the worst-worst case scenario he had come up with involved vodka and the fact that Kris had Adam's number, too, but he had sworn to himself that no matter how late it got or bummed out he became, he was absolutely not going to drink and would thereby sidestep that catastrophe completely. He probably could've stuck to that, too. "I actually hadn't even begun to expect you, yet, so you're good," he finished.
"Oh, good," Adam said. "What're you up to?"
"You caught me in the middle of a glamorous moment. I was cleaning up after my dinner," Kris said, moving out of the kitchen into the living room and beginning to pace around the coffee table again. He was sure if he spent much more time on the phone with Adam he was going to wear a path there.
"Ooooh. Anything good?"
"Not really," Kris said. "Unless you're a big fan of frozen pizza."
"Oh, fancy."
"I know, right? Dare I ask what you've been up to today?"
Adam sighed. "A lot of craziness as usual. Meetings most of the morning, the label, management, producers, blah blah blah. I'm back in the studio now, so it's all about getting songs and finding people to work with and all of that. Actually managed to get in to the studio for a while this afternoon, but I just couldn't seem to get into the zone and nothing much came out of that. Then I had an early dinner with some friends, begged off telling them that I was tired - which isn't a complete lie - and came home."
"I see," Kris said, thinking about how wild it was that Adam had been doing all of that while he sat in his cubicle all day and dreading the moment Adam asked him what he did for a living. "So what's the plan for the night, then?"
"This is it," Adam said.
Kris was stunned for a moment before he said, "you're joking."
"Nope."
"It's seven o'clock, and you're home for the night... to talk to me?"
"Yup."
"You are so..." Kris stopped, his mouth moving soundlessly.
"So what?"
"...Confusing."
"How's that?"
"How can you go from not calling me at all for months to calling me three times in three days? I mean, seriously, tell me that if you didn't have plans to talk to me you'd be taking a bath with a book and going to bed early or something."
"Not at all," Adam said, sounding amused. "I could go out tonight, but I go out all the time. I wanted to do this instead."
"You make absolutely no sense to me. Like, none. At all."
"I don't know," Adam said. "I kind of got the impression you thought I was an asshole. And I'm really not. A flake sometimes, sure. And... OK, I get wrapped up in my own shit so much sometimes I forget the rest of the world is even there. I just. Wanted to show that I can be good."
"See, that's the thing, though," Kris said. "Why? Why do you give a shit if I think you're an asshole?"
"I like you."
"Yeah, so you've said," Kris said, rolling his eyes. "Repeatedly. Care to elaborate?"
"Actually, I like you a lot," Adam said.
"And?" Kris tried to ignore the fact that his heart had just stuttered and threatened to stop for a moment.
"The truth is, when you didn't call me back, I was really surprised. I totally was expecting to hear from you right away. It kind of pissed me off that I didn't, if I'm being honest."
"That's fucking hilarious, man," Kris said, finally stopping his pacing and perching on the arm of the couch.
"I know. So then when you didn't call I actually thought, well, maybe I got his number wrong or maybe he didn't get the message or... I don't know. It just never occurred to me that you just didn't want to call me. So I called again just to check, and was surprised that you answered... the whole thing last night kind of really caught me off-guard and made me realize that... maybe I had been kind of a dick. And it's like, so, so easy for me to be a dick because pretty much everybody will take it from me so even when I try really hard not to be a dick, I can slip into it without even noticing. Does that make any sense? Like, nobody will ever actually call me on it, 'cause they all want something. Or they're on my payroll. Or both."
"Yeah, so?"
"So, you were this guy that was there in the back of my mind, and it was like I had you on reserve or something. Like, I knew I was going to call you, and assumed that you'd be there whenever I did. It never occurred to me that that my being a big dicky flake could end up making you hate me, which would suck. And I felt bad. And... I want to make it up to you."
"So you're calling me because you have something to prove. To me? Or to yourself?"
"What are you, a shrink or something?" Adam huffed.
"No," Kris said. "Just trying to decide whether I should be excited that you just said you like me a lot or if I'm just a novelty that you're using to prove to yourself that you're still a nice guy."
"You're a ball-buster, you know that?"
"I don't think I usually am. But I'm trying not to get clobbered here. Again."
"No guilt trips," Adam said. "I hate guilt trips. I do really feel bad, and I want to make it better. Is that OK?"
"Yeah, OK. That's OK. Now tell me why."
"Why what?"
"Why you want to make it better," Kris said, sliding down onto the couch, swinging his feet up and resting his head on the arm. "Why it matters if my feelings were hurt. I spent a lot of time berating myself for ever thinking rock-star-on-tour would give a shit about a random guy he hooked up with in Arkansas. This is my chance to get answers. Because you do appear to give a shit."
"You want me to stroke your ego?"
"Yes, please," Kris said, an easy smile spreading across his face.
"Mostly it was the song," Adam sighed. "It was really good, I hope you know. And I always remembered it. I found myself humming it a few times."
Kris's smile fell as he shivered, remembering the sound of Adam humming along with him. He also abruptly remembered the last few times he'd tried to perform it, how he had changed his mind before even opening his mouth for the first verse, quickly beginning to play the opening chords of a different song when he realized he just wasn't going to be able to get his throat to let the lyrics out.
"And I remembered what you sounded like singing it, and how you looked," he continued. "You know... my life probably seems really interesting and fabulous, but it's mostly bullshit. Everything is so fake, all the beautiful people, you know. There's nothing to them. They might be nice to look at but they're boring as shit to talk to, and they don't give a fuck about anybody but themselves so there's never any... connection. I have my old friends, but I've known them forever so it's not like I get sparks from them, when we're hanging out. It's like everything is always the same. The people in my life are either the ones I've always known, so they're familiar, or new people who are either trying to climb up my ass to get something from me or flailing and screaming or... or just celebrities, who can't see anything past their own pretty faces. I haven't met many people like you, Kris. People that made me... that were really new."
"That one song did all that?"
"Well, that was the most striking thing, I guess, for me," Adam said. "But you know, I liked you even before that, too."
"How come?"
"How much stroking does your ego need?" Adam laughed.
"I'll tell you what I like about you when you're done, if you want."
"OK. Well, you made me laugh and seemed very easy-going and chill, and didn't freak out on me... also, you're really cute. Have I mentioned that you were really cute?"
"Yes. But feel free to say it again."
"So cute."
"Awesome," Kris said, chuckling. "So why did you put me off for so long, then, if I was so special?"
"I don't really know, to be honest," Adam said. "I mean, I don't want to give the impression that you were always on my mind or anything. But I did think about... I would remember you on occasion and it was just nice to remember, to know you were there."
"On reserve."
"Yeah," Adam chuckled, a touch awkwardly. "Does that sound really bad?"
"It doesn't sound great," Kris said. "But I am prepared to let you redeem yourself."
"That's so big of you."
"I'm nothing if not giving," Kris said. "So, how are you going to do it, do you think?"
"Well," Adam said, drawing the word out. "I did offer to bring you out to LA. And I would still like for you to come."
Kris swung his legs back off the couch, his face screwing up into a grimace as he sat up. "Um," he said. "I do want to go. But I don't think I want to do it just yet."
"What?"
"I just... I'm trying to be level-headed now, you know? I don't want to seem completely pathetic, but I... I have to admit I was pretty fucked up about the whole thing. This fall, when I thought I would hear from you and then didn't. It blew pretty hard. That's not a guilt trip, by the way, I'm just trying to explain."
"OK."
"I am glad that you called, though, finally," he said. "And while I'm not thrilled to hear that I was pretty much a backup plan, I do... I do kind of believe that you have some kind of interest in me, whatever it is. I'd just like to be sure it's not a passing interest, I guess. Or a novelty, like I said. I've kind of had enough of feeling like an idiot to last me for a while, and I'd like to be a little more careful this time."
"Well, OK," Adam said, sounding confused. "But what do you want to do, then, if not come visit? I will help you record, by the way. If nothing else that's a reason to come, isn't it?"
"It is," Kris said. "And it's possible I'll end up feeling like an idiot anyway if I miss my chance at that. But I hope I can still go someday, once I feel like we're at least friends. Does that make sense or am I making unreasonable demands?"
"So you want to... what? Be phone buddies?"
Kris laughed. "Sure, you can call it that, I guess. Can you do that?"
"Yeah, I think I can," Adam said. "As long as you know that sometimes I'm just not available. You know? It's not like I can call you every night."
"Of course. We'll see how it goes, yeah?"
"OK. So what do you want to talk about now, then?"
Kris searched his mind for a topic of conversation - a getting-to-know-you starter to throw at Adam Lambert. The truth was, he knew pretty much everything there was to know about the guy; Adam was an open book in interviews and things like his movie and music tastes and the basics of his past were well-travelled territory. Kris could've answered those questions for him. Now that they were past the essential drama of their whatever-it-is relationship, he was kind of at a loss.
"Um," he said. "I don't know. Actually, I feel like I know a whole lot about you already, but you don't know me. Why don't you pick a topic."
"OK," Adam said, then paused for a moment. "Music. Specifically yours. Were you serious when you said that nobody listens to you at those open mics?"
"Yeah, man," Kris said, laying back down on the couch. "There are a few I go to pretty often, and sometimes I wonder why I bother."
"That's ridiculous."
"Why?"
"Because you're great. Obviously talented and great-looking on top of that. Actually... I wanted to hear more of your songs, I'm kind of bummed that you're not going to come out here and play for me."
"Well, maybe I'll play for you over the phone sometime. Compromise."
"Deal. Hey, you should put me on speaker at one of those open mics sometime and I'll yell hey! Pay attention! Kris fucking Allen is singing!"
Kris laughed, blushing a little. "That might work. Or get me kicked out of the coffee house, could go either way."
"What was that song you played for me called?"
"Um, it's called 'Break'."
"Ah, that's right. I remember." He started singing lowly: "Break myself open, break me apart. Leave this place and make a new start. Can't take you with me, gotta do this alone. Break away from myself, break into unknown. Something like that. Is that right?"
Kris was quiet, feeling frozen in place and on fire at the same time. He could not believe that Adam had remembered his lyrics, that he was singing them back to him. And he had embellished the melody a little bit, like he knew the song well and was adding his signature to it. It was so unexpected Kris could hardly process it.
"Yeah," he finally said, struggling to keep his voice even. "That's... yeah. Perfect. Exactly right."
"Oh, cool," Adam said, not seeming to realize what had just happened, that he had knocked the breath right out of Kris. "I always kind of felt like the words were right on the tip of my tongue, but I could never exactly remember them. Just needed the key word, I guess."
"I guess so."
Kris tried to think of something else to say, but came up blank. His mind seemed to have checked out for the moment, replaying the sound of Adam's voice singing his words back to him again and again, hoping it would make sense in some way or begin to seem real, but finding instead it became more and more dreamlike. He wondered if it would always be this way, if there would ever be a time when he would stop having these holy-shit-it's-Adam moments or whether he would forever find himself getting comfortable only unexpectedly to be rocked again. On the heels of that thought came the realization that if this phone-buddies thing worked out, he would have a chance to find out. He wasn't sure whether he'd prefer to get used to it or continue to feel like his world had turned upside down, but the fact that it at least looked like he'd get to see which way it would go soothed him. That didn't bring him any closer to thinking of something to say, though, and the silence seemed to last a few beats too long.
"You forgot to tell me what you like about me," Adam said suddenly, his voice soft.
Kris took a deep breath. "I don't know where to begin, man," he said. "Right now I'm trying to figure out what's real and what isn't, you know?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I've liked you a lot longer than you've liked me. But it was always as a celebrity, you know. So you have a couple days worth of stuff to think on, and I have years of it... but I have to kind of sift through and figure out what's real, like what's OK to use as a reason to like you and what's just being a fan. I don't want to... I don't want you to think I just like the rock star. It's weird, I guess. Hard to explain."
"I'm really, really glad you're making that distinction," Adam said. "But I wasn't joking when I said it was all real... I try to be myself at all times. I haven't pulled many punches."
"So you mean all the thousands or more people who are in love with you are right to be? Like all the love letters and stalkery tweets you get are legit, because they really know the real you?"
"Hmmm," Adam said. "I hadn't really thought of that... well. Maybe not. I guess what they see is real, but it's not all there is. Maybe they have kind of a limited view of who I am."
"Real but incomplete."
"Yes. But seriously, I do want to know what you're thinking."
"OK, well," Kris said. "As far as stuff I've always loved, number one is your voice. You said you liked the way I looked and sounded, well... I send that back times a million. I have always loved watching you perform. It was like you said, going into a song and coming back out. You're great at that. That's why I was a fan... you know, plus the fact that you're kind of knock-me-on-my-ass beautiful."
Adam laughed. "Thanks for that. Photoshop helps, trust me."
"Please," Kris said. "I've seen you in person, remember?"
"And I've seen you, and I don't think I'm any better looking than you are."
"Well, OK. But. Well, whatever. Anyway. As far as real-life stuff goes, the fact that you're interested in me kind of makes my head spin."
"So you like me because I like you? And I thought I was supposed to be the conceited one."
"No, no, that's not what I mean," Kris grimaced. "I mean, the fact that you didn't dismiss me because I was a fan, and that you are grounded enough to freaking call me like this, not to mention indulge all my angsty bullshit, is pretty amazing. I think... the fact that you listen, that you like heard my jokes, for instance, and laughed at them and even formed the opinion that I'm funny at all shocks me, because you didn't have to do that. If you'd..." he stopped, not sure if he wanted to go where this was heading.
"If I'd what?"
"If... if you'd just wanted to take advantage of me, when you first came to town. If you'd just made demands, you know. I would've done it."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah," Kris sighed. "But you didn't. You talked to me, and cared about my music and... I think that kind of filled in my incomplete view of you, so to speak, at least a little bit. And made all the reasons I liked you to begin with... like, it made them legit. And that kind of cemented my... I don't even know what to call it. My feelings for you, I guess. But it changed them a lot, too, because I don't really feel like a fan anymore. Because you stopped being the guy on the magazine and started being the guy I... heh. The guy I have a crush on, I guess."
"Well, good," Adam said. "I like that better, anyway. I'm the guy on the magazine to too many people."
"You don't like that? Kind of seems like that's what it's all about, isn't it?"
"Sure it is. If I didn't get on magazines I wouldn't have much of a career. I wouldn't get to do what I want to do, you know, in the studio and on stage. But it gets tiring sometimes. Everybody thinks they own me, you know."
"I think maybe you own them."
"It doesn't feel that way, believe me."
"Is it hard?"
"Listen, I'm not going to complain," Adam said. "I know damn well I'm very lucky, and I have so much I should be embarrassed about it. I don't even want to say it's hard, because my lifestyle is so far from actual hard I can't even see it from here. But I can say that it is weird. I've gotten used to it, but it gets tiring... and every once in a while I'll have a moment of clarity where it dawns on me how fucked up my life is. How... abnormal, I guess."
"That's funny."
"Funny?"
"Well, not ha-ha-funny. Just, my life is so completely normal it's almost sad."
"Well, you're a gay guy living in Arkansas. I'm not sure that's completely normal. And you're phone-buddies with a rock stah."
Kris laughed. Actually, it came pretty damn close to a giggle, and he was almost embarrassed by it. He wondered how long they'd been on the phone and found he had no idea and didn't particularly care. He'd had phone calls with guys he liked before where he felt this pressure to speak, like if he didn't keep things immediate and engaging they would let him go. Like he had to be interesting, or at least if he couldn't keep them interested be the one to end the conversation so they wouldn't have a chance to. He wasn't really getting that vibe from Adam. They'd had a few little lulls - they were having one now - but he never felt the "I think I'm gonna let you go" hanging in the silence. He just felt comfortable. It was alarming how quickly that happened, honestly. Some part of him was trying to tell him he should be scared, that he was failing completely at the whole level-headed thing, that he was too giddy and thrilled with the past couple of days' events, that he should step back and not let himself be so excited.
He couldn't help it, though. The scared part of him was just going to have to learn to deal, because being scared would only take away from this, whatever it was, and a much larger part of himself wanted to enjoy it, however it ended.
He wondered how long they'd talk. He wondered if they'd talk again tomorrow. He wondered if Adam was as pleased with this turn of events as he was, then realized he could just ask him if he wanted to. He decided he didn't want to, though. He would rather be shown than told. He wanted to see what would happen next.
"Hey," Adam said. "Are you falling asleep?"
"What? No, man," Kris said. "It's a little early for that. Just thinking."
"Anything good?"
"Yes." Kris smiled, and he was sure Adam could hear it.
Part Five.