existence
existence
junho-centric, gen
2209 words
They don't tell him what is wrong with him - just give him a tight hug whenever they walk past him, or a warm smile.
existence
it feels like you could come back any second
it feels like i could just turn around and see you
- getting tired of waiting (2pm)
When Jaebum comes back, Junho is at a loss for words. He walks in one morning to see Jaebum sitting at the breakfast table, smiling as he watches Chansung shovel rice into his mouth.
"What," Junho manages, and both Jaebum and Chansung turn towards him. Chansung looks weary, dark rings under his eyes as he points his chopsticks towards Jaebum.
"Yeah," Junho says, moving over to sit on the chair beside Jaebum. "Can I have some rice, please?"
Chansung rolls his eyes. "It's right there," he says, indicating the bowl of rice sitting in front of Jaebum. He pushes his chair back. "I'm going to take a shower."
Junho turns to look at Jaebum. "Alright if I have it, hyung?"
Jaebum shrugs. "Just take it," he tells Junho. "I'm not hungry, anyway."
Junho reaches past Jaebum to slide the bowl of rice over to his side of the table.
They get into the car an hour later. After the car door slides shut, Junho looks around in puzzlement. "Where's hyung?"
Taecyeon stares at him. "What hyung?"
"Jaebum-hyung," Junho says, returning Taecyeon's stare incredulously. Jaebum is back after three months, and this is how they treat him? Junho thinks that if he were Jaebum, he'd just turn around and go right back to Seattle.
Nichkhun exchanges a worried look with Taecyeon, then turns to Junho, pressing a warm hand against his forehead. "Are you okay?" He wants to know.
Junho shrugs the comforting hand off. "Yeah," he says. "Why?"
"Because," Junsu begins, but Wooyoung shakes his head at him. Junsu falls silent. The cars and trees and buildings zoom past outside the car, and Junho thinks of Jaebum.
The lights are switched off when they return to the apartment. Jaebum is nowhere to be seen, and Junho doesn't want to mention his name anymore - the other members always give him half-worried, half-skeptical looks whenever he does. When Junho walks into the room he shares with Jaebum, fingers finding the light switch and turning it on, Jaebum is sitting cross-legged on his bed.
"Hyung," Junho says, walking over and sitting down beside him. "Why didn't you come along with us? I was worried, you know."
Jaebum turns his head and smiles. "Nah," he answers. "Just didn't feel like it."
"Is there something, like, going on between you and the others?" Junho asks. "They don't want to talk about you."
Jaebum shrugs, his smile fading a little, morphing into something more wistful, tinged with regret. Junho has the strange urge to press his fingers against the corners of Jaebum's lips to preserve that little bit of sadness and desperation right there (because after all, it's the hurt that makes a person real). "Maybe they're angry with me for leaving," he says. "Maybe they don't want me back."
Junho holds Jaebum's cold hand. "It'll be okay," he promises, and Jaebum leans his head against Junho's shoulder. His steady breathing feels like a kiss against Junho's neck.
Junho discovers that Jaebum's bed is empty in the middle of the night. Scared and worried, he walks over to the living room, where Wooyoung and Chansung are sleeping, their limbs tangled together like a spider-web. He pulls at Wooyoung's arm until he jolts awake.
"Wha -" Wooyoung starts, sitting up. He runs his fingers through his hair as he squints at Junho. "Junho? What happened?"
Junho sits down on the cold floor beside him. "It's Jaebum-hyung," he explains. "He's gone. I don't know where he went to."
Wooyoung gives him a quizzical look. "Did you have a nightmare or something?" He asks, lowering his hand from his hair. It falls limply onto the floor.
"What?" Junho says, narrowing his eyes. "I. No, what are you talking about?"
"Okay," Wooyoung says soothingly. "We'll talk about this tomorrow morning, alright?" He reaches over and pulls Junho into a hug. Junho lets his eyes slide shut, his heart pressed right against Wooyoung's.
Jaebum appears again the next afternoon. Junho meets him in the bathroom at the JYP building when he walks in. Jaebum is washing his hands.
"Where have you been?" Junho accuses. "Stop scaring me, okay? I was really worried, you know."
Jaebum offers an apologetic smile. "Sorry," he says. "I'm a busy man, you know. Things to do, people to meet."
Junho whacks his arm. Jaebum whacks back. They end up giggling like school children and splashing water at each other. After Jaebum leaves, Junho stares into the mirror spotted with water droplets, the remnants of his smile still tugging at his lips.
There are no more gaps left for Jaebum, no more muttered complaints about how the choreography and the acrobatics would be so much better if their leader was there. Everyone else - everyone except Junho - acts like this is the way it has always been, like there has never been another member of 2pm.
Junho wonders how they can manage to forget so easily; or if they can't, how they can pretend to. Junho wonders if he'd imagined it all - the determination in Taecyeon's voice when he says 2pm will always be seven seven seven, the way Wooyoung's eyes dulled after Jaebum left, how Nichkhun had hidden in the toilet and sobbed when he thought nobody knew.
Junho is scared, so scared that if they continue to act like this, nobody - not even the fans - will remember that Jaebum used to be a part of this group.
"Junho," Nichkhun says. "Are you... Are you, you know, okay?"
Junho sighs, crossing his arms across his chest as he regards Nichkhun. "I'm fine," he says. "Now would you stop beating about the bush and just tell me why you guys are avoiding Jaebum-hyung?"
Nichkhun's mouth falls open. Junho takes the opportunity to continue. "I mean, I get that you guys are pissed because he abandoned us, but you know he didn't have a choice. It's not like he wanted to leave us, you know that, right? I think he's really sad that -"
"Junho?" Nichkhun says, cutting him off. "What are you talking about?"
"Jaebum-hyung," Junho answers, irritation evident in his tone of voice. "It's just really mean to ignore him when he's finally back, because -"
Nichkhun reaches out to grab his shoulders. Junho flinches as Nichkhun's nails dig into his skin through his thin T-shirt. "Junho, stop it," Nichkhun says. "I don't know any Jaebum - what are you talking about?"
Junho stares back. Nichkhun's voice sounds far away, too far away, and his vision is fading at the edges. Nichkhun manages to catch him before he crumples onto the ground.
They whisper in soft voices when they think he's not paying attention, then stop speaking whenever he turns to look at them. Junho knows there is accusation in his eyes, and so he avoids their knowing looks most of the time.
They don't tell him what is wrong with him - just give him a tight hug whenever they walk past him, or a warm smile. Minjae-hyung tells him to take a break, that the stress is getting to him. Junho is angry and confused - there is absolutely nothing wrong with him; why can't he just go back to work like everyone else?
He gets to stay in the empty apartment when they are off for their schedules. After a few days he starts to enjoy it, though - it's been so long since he's had a break, and besides, there is Jaebum there to keep him company.
Because when Jaebum tightens his grip on Junho's wrist comfortingly (and Junho's eyes slip shut automatically), Junho thinks that he can overcome anything. No matter what.
"When are you going back to Seattle?" Junho asks.
Jaebum shrugs, brushing back a strand of hair from his eyes. "I don't think I'm going back," he says. "I'm too worried about you to leave you alone."
Junho smiles, fingers ghosting against Jaebum's arm. "You're not leaving, really?" He wants to know. "Promise?"
Jaebum laughs. "Promise," he says.
Junho wants to know how the company managed to cover up his disappearance for a month. Surely the fans must have wondered about his mysterious break, surely the fans must have demanded for an answer. Junho wants to know why Jaebum is still not allowed back into the group when the company had always told the fans that it was up to Jaebum's decision. Junho wants to know why he can't go back to practice.
Junho wants to know a lot of things. The number one thing on the list of Things He Wants to Know is this: what, really, was wrong with him?
There is a knock on the door. Junho gets up, pulls it open to reveal Junsu. There is an awkward silence between them; Junho can't even remember the last time he'd had a proper conversation with the other members.
"Hey," Junsu says, sticking his hands into his jeans pockets. "Taec wants you to come out for a meeting."
Junho nods, standing up. "Jaebum-hyung can come too, right?" He asks, tugging on Jaebum's arm to pull him up from his sitting position.
Junsu's eyes move to Jaebum uneasily. There is a strange spark in Junsu's eyes as he nods jerkily. "Yeah," he says. "Yeah."
They walk out together, Junsu leading. The other members are already seated, and Junsu slides into one of the two free seats left. Junho looks from the only empty seat to Jaebum, then back to it. "Didn't you leave a seat for me?" Junho asks, palms flat against the back of the free chair.
Chansung blinks. "Yeah," he says. "That's your seat."
"Uh," Junho says. "Then what about Jaebum-hyung?"
Chansung flounders, hands flailing about. Nichkhun nudges him, then turns to Junho with a smile plastered across his face. "Oh," Nichkhun says. "Sorry, it... slipped our mind. There's another chair by the sofa, you can drag that over?"
Junho nods, moving over to drag the spare chair over. He slips into it, and Jaebum sits on the chair beside his. "What's the meeting about, Taec-hyung?"
Taecyeon casts Jaebum an uneasy look. "Um," he says. "We wanted to talk about your return to our promotional activities, but I can see that this isn't really possible right now."
Junho narrows his eyes. "What? Why?"
"I can see you're still quite, uh, stressed." Taecyeon says. "So..."
"You should take a longer break," Nichkhun inserts smoothly, smiling. "Get more rest."
Junho's mouth falls open. "A longer break?" He asks incredulously. "C'mon, since when do we get breaks this long? Seriously, what's up?"
Nobody says a word. Junho gets up, goes into his room, and slams the door.
It is circled in red - the 18th of November, 2009. Underneath, in Nichkhun's neat handwriting, it says: Junho's psychiatric appointment. The calendar slips from his hands, lands on the floor. Stunned, Junho turns to Jaebum. "Hyung," he says. His hands are shaking, his eyes are watering, and all he wants to know is why why why does he have a psychiatric appointment scheduled?
"Junho," Jaebum says in reply, pulling him close. Junho bites his lower lip until it bleeds, a drop of blood staining Jaebum's shirt.
"Please," Junho says in desperation. "Tell me."
Wooyoung is still staring down at his feet. When Junho reaches out to touch his cheek, Wooyoung jerks away. Junho lets his hand fall back to his side.
"Do you," Wooyoung says haltingly. "Do you really see this... Jaebum person?"
Junho lets out an incredulous huff. "What do you mean?" He demands. "Jaebum. Park Jaebum. Jay. Our leader, part of 2pm, one of the most amazing bboy dancers I have ever seen. Left for Seattle on 8 September -"
Wooyoung is frowning, shaking his head. "Junho," he says. "What are you talking about? 2pm is made up of you and me and Chansung and Nichkhun and Taecyeon and Junsu. No-one else."
Junho digs his nail into the palm of his other hand, a perfect half-moon appearing. "2pm -"
"You listen to me, Lee Junho," Wooyoung says. He is rummaging through his drawer, pulling out a poster from their debuting days. He shakes it in front of Junho's face. "Look. Look. Six people, Junho, six - there is no Park Jaebum, okay? 2pm has always been six members."
Junho looks at the poster. There are six people there, and only an empty space where he swears there used to be someone. "I don't understand," Junho says numbly. He walks out of the living room and into his room.
"Jaebum-hyung?" He calls. Dread is coiling at the base of his stomach, turning into bile that is clogging up his throat. He wants to vomit. His head feels like it's ripping apart. He wants to find Jaebum.
There is nobody there. There is absolutely nothing inside this room that could possibly prove the existence of Park Jaebum.
Sometimes Junho still sees him in the edge of his vision - a person that's really short and looks like he's from Seattle. He always gives Junho a blinding smile, then disappears before Junho can move or talk or scream.
Junho will never stop looking for him, though. Junho knows that he will come back, because he promised. And so Junho will never stop waiting. A month, a year, ten years (I don't care if I get tired of waiting for you); Junho will wait.
junho-centric, gen
2209 words
They don't tell him what is wrong with him - just give him a tight hug whenever they walk past him, or a warm smile.
existence
it feels like you could come back any second
it feels like i could just turn around and see you
- getting tired of waiting (2pm)
When Jaebum comes back, Junho is at a loss for words. He walks in one morning to see Jaebum sitting at the breakfast table, smiling as he watches Chansung shovel rice into his mouth.
"What," Junho manages, and both Jaebum and Chansung turn towards him. Chansung looks weary, dark rings under his eyes as he points his chopsticks towards Jaebum.
"Yeah," Junho says, moving over to sit on the chair beside Jaebum. "Can I have some rice, please?"
Chansung rolls his eyes. "It's right there," he says, indicating the bowl of rice sitting in front of Jaebum. He pushes his chair back. "I'm going to take a shower."
Junho turns to look at Jaebum. "Alright if I have it, hyung?"
Jaebum shrugs. "Just take it," he tells Junho. "I'm not hungry, anyway."
Junho reaches past Jaebum to slide the bowl of rice over to his side of the table.
They get into the car an hour later. After the car door slides shut, Junho looks around in puzzlement. "Where's hyung?"
Taecyeon stares at him. "What hyung?"
"Jaebum-hyung," Junho says, returning Taecyeon's stare incredulously. Jaebum is back after three months, and this is how they treat him? Junho thinks that if he were Jaebum, he'd just turn around and go right back to Seattle.
Nichkhun exchanges a worried look with Taecyeon, then turns to Junho, pressing a warm hand against his forehead. "Are you okay?" He wants to know.
Junho shrugs the comforting hand off. "Yeah," he says. "Why?"
"Because," Junsu begins, but Wooyoung shakes his head at him. Junsu falls silent. The cars and trees and buildings zoom past outside the car, and Junho thinks of Jaebum.
The lights are switched off when they return to the apartment. Jaebum is nowhere to be seen, and Junho doesn't want to mention his name anymore - the other members always give him half-worried, half-skeptical looks whenever he does. When Junho walks into the room he shares with Jaebum, fingers finding the light switch and turning it on, Jaebum is sitting cross-legged on his bed.
"Hyung," Junho says, walking over and sitting down beside him. "Why didn't you come along with us? I was worried, you know."
Jaebum turns his head and smiles. "Nah," he answers. "Just didn't feel like it."
"Is there something, like, going on between you and the others?" Junho asks. "They don't want to talk about you."
Jaebum shrugs, his smile fading a little, morphing into something more wistful, tinged with regret. Junho has the strange urge to press his fingers against the corners of Jaebum's lips to preserve that little bit of sadness and desperation right there (because after all, it's the hurt that makes a person real). "Maybe they're angry with me for leaving," he says. "Maybe they don't want me back."
Junho holds Jaebum's cold hand. "It'll be okay," he promises, and Jaebum leans his head against Junho's shoulder. His steady breathing feels like a kiss against Junho's neck.
Junho discovers that Jaebum's bed is empty in the middle of the night. Scared and worried, he walks over to the living room, where Wooyoung and Chansung are sleeping, their limbs tangled together like a spider-web. He pulls at Wooyoung's arm until he jolts awake.
"Wha -" Wooyoung starts, sitting up. He runs his fingers through his hair as he squints at Junho. "Junho? What happened?"
Junho sits down on the cold floor beside him. "It's Jaebum-hyung," he explains. "He's gone. I don't know where he went to."
Wooyoung gives him a quizzical look. "Did you have a nightmare or something?" He asks, lowering his hand from his hair. It falls limply onto the floor.
"What?" Junho says, narrowing his eyes. "I. No, what are you talking about?"
"Okay," Wooyoung says soothingly. "We'll talk about this tomorrow morning, alright?" He reaches over and pulls Junho into a hug. Junho lets his eyes slide shut, his heart pressed right against Wooyoung's.
Jaebum appears again the next afternoon. Junho meets him in the bathroom at the JYP building when he walks in. Jaebum is washing his hands.
"Where have you been?" Junho accuses. "Stop scaring me, okay? I was really worried, you know."
Jaebum offers an apologetic smile. "Sorry," he says. "I'm a busy man, you know. Things to do, people to meet."
Junho whacks his arm. Jaebum whacks back. They end up giggling like school children and splashing water at each other. After Jaebum leaves, Junho stares into the mirror spotted with water droplets, the remnants of his smile still tugging at his lips.
There are no more gaps left for Jaebum, no more muttered complaints about how the choreography and the acrobatics would be so much better if their leader was there. Everyone else - everyone except Junho - acts like this is the way it has always been, like there has never been another member of 2pm.
Junho wonders how they can manage to forget so easily; or if they can't, how they can pretend to. Junho wonders if he'd imagined it all - the determination in Taecyeon's voice when he says 2pm will always be seven seven seven, the way Wooyoung's eyes dulled after Jaebum left, how Nichkhun had hidden in the toilet and sobbed when he thought nobody knew.
Junho is scared, so scared that if they continue to act like this, nobody - not even the fans - will remember that Jaebum used to be a part of this group.
"Junho," Nichkhun says. "Are you... Are you, you know, okay?"
Junho sighs, crossing his arms across his chest as he regards Nichkhun. "I'm fine," he says. "Now would you stop beating about the bush and just tell me why you guys are avoiding Jaebum-hyung?"
Nichkhun's mouth falls open. Junho takes the opportunity to continue. "I mean, I get that you guys are pissed because he abandoned us, but you know he didn't have a choice. It's not like he wanted to leave us, you know that, right? I think he's really sad that -"
"Junho?" Nichkhun says, cutting him off. "What are you talking about?"
"Jaebum-hyung," Junho answers, irritation evident in his tone of voice. "It's just really mean to ignore him when he's finally back, because -"
Nichkhun reaches out to grab his shoulders. Junho flinches as Nichkhun's nails dig into his skin through his thin T-shirt. "Junho, stop it," Nichkhun says. "I don't know any Jaebum - what are you talking about?"
Junho stares back. Nichkhun's voice sounds far away, too far away, and his vision is fading at the edges. Nichkhun manages to catch him before he crumples onto the ground.
They whisper in soft voices when they think he's not paying attention, then stop speaking whenever he turns to look at them. Junho knows there is accusation in his eyes, and so he avoids their knowing looks most of the time.
They don't tell him what is wrong with him - just give him a tight hug whenever they walk past him, or a warm smile. Minjae-hyung tells him to take a break, that the stress is getting to him. Junho is angry and confused - there is absolutely nothing wrong with him; why can't he just go back to work like everyone else?
He gets to stay in the empty apartment when they are off for their schedules. After a few days he starts to enjoy it, though - it's been so long since he's had a break, and besides, there is Jaebum there to keep him company.
Because when Jaebum tightens his grip on Junho's wrist comfortingly (and Junho's eyes slip shut automatically), Junho thinks that he can overcome anything. No matter what.
"When are you going back to Seattle?" Junho asks.
Jaebum shrugs, brushing back a strand of hair from his eyes. "I don't think I'm going back," he says. "I'm too worried about you to leave you alone."
Junho smiles, fingers ghosting against Jaebum's arm. "You're not leaving, really?" He wants to know. "Promise?"
Jaebum laughs. "Promise," he says.
Junho wants to know how the company managed to cover up his disappearance for a month. Surely the fans must have wondered about his mysterious break, surely the fans must have demanded for an answer. Junho wants to know why Jaebum is still not allowed back into the group when the company had always told the fans that it was up to Jaebum's decision. Junho wants to know why he can't go back to practice.
Junho wants to know a lot of things. The number one thing on the list of Things He Wants to Know is this: what, really, was wrong with him?
There is a knock on the door. Junho gets up, pulls it open to reveal Junsu. There is an awkward silence between them; Junho can't even remember the last time he'd had a proper conversation with the other members.
"Hey," Junsu says, sticking his hands into his jeans pockets. "Taec wants you to come out for a meeting."
Junho nods, standing up. "Jaebum-hyung can come too, right?" He asks, tugging on Jaebum's arm to pull him up from his sitting position.
Junsu's eyes move to Jaebum uneasily. There is a strange spark in Junsu's eyes as he nods jerkily. "Yeah," he says. "Yeah."
They walk out together, Junsu leading. The other members are already seated, and Junsu slides into one of the two free seats left. Junho looks from the only empty seat to Jaebum, then back to it. "Didn't you leave a seat for me?" Junho asks, palms flat against the back of the free chair.
Chansung blinks. "Yeah," he says. "That's your seat."
"Uh," Junho says. "Then what about Jaebum-hyung?"
Chansung flounders, hands flailing about. Nichkhun nudges him, then turns to Junho with a smile plastered across his face. "Oh," Nichkhun says. "Sorry, it... slipped our mind. There's another chair by the sofa, you can drag that over?"
Junho nods, moving over to drag the spare chair over. He slips into it, and Jaebum sits on the chair beside his. "What's the meeting about, Taec-hyung?"
Taecyeon casts Jaebum an uneasy look. "Um," he says. "We wanted to talk about your return to our promotional activities, but I can see that this isn't really possible right now."
Junho narrows his eyes. "What? Why?"
"I can see you're still quite, uh, stressed." Taecyeon says. "So..."
"You should take a longer break," Nichkhun inserts smoothly, smiling. "Get more rest."
Junho's mouth falls open. "A longer break?" He asks incredulously. "C'mon, since when do we get breaks this long? Seriously, what's up?"
Nobody says a word. Junho gets up, goes into his room, and slams the door.
It is circled in red - the 18th of November, 2009. Underneath, in Nichkhun's neat handwriting, it says: Junho's psychiatric appointment. The calendar slips from his hands, lands on the floor. Stunned, Junho turns to Jaebum. "Hyung," he says. His hands are shaking, his eyes are watering, and all he wants to know is why why why does he have a psychiatric appointment scheduled?
"Junho," Jaebum says in reply, pulling him close. Junho bites his lower lip until it bleeds, a drop of blood staining Jaebum's shirt.
"Please," Junho says in desperation. "Tell me."
Wooyoung is still staring down at his feet. When Junho reaches out to touch his cheek, Wooyoung jerks away. Junho lets his hand fall back to his side.
"Do you," Wooyoung says haltingly. "Do you really see this... Jaebum person?"
Junho lets out an incredulous huff. "What do you mean?" He demands. "Jaebum. Park Jaebum. Jay. Our leader, part of 2pm, one of the most amazing bboy dancers I have ever seen. Left for Seattle on 8 September -"
Wooyoung is frowning, shaking his head. "Junho," he says. "What are you talking about? 2pm is made up of you and me and Chansung and Nichkhun and Taecyeon and Junsu. No-one else."
Junho digs his nail into the palm of his other hand, a perfect half-moon appearing. "2pm -"
"You listen to me, Lee Junho," Wooyoung says. He is rummaging through his drawer, pulling out a poster from their debuting days. He shakes it in front of Junho's face. "Look. Look. Six people, Junho, six - there is no Park Jaebum, okay? 2pm has always been six members."
Junho looks at the poster. There are six people there, and only an empty space where he swears there used to be someone. "I don't understand," Junho says numbly. He walks out of the living room and into his room.
"Jaebum-hyung?" He calls. Dread is coiling at the base of his stomach, turning into bile that is clogging up his throat. He wants to vomit. His head feels like it's ripping apart. He wants to find Jaebum.
There is nobody there. There is absolutely nothing inside this room that could possibly prove the existence of Park Jaebum.
Sometimes Junho still sees him in the edge of his vision - a person that's really short and looks like he's from Seattle. He always gives Junho a blinding smile, then disappears before Junho can move or talk or scream.
Junho will never stop looking for him, though. Junho knows that he will come back, because he promised. And so Junho will never stop waiting. A month, a year, ten years (I don't care if I get tired of waiting for you); Junho will wait.