FIC: The Post Access Act (1/2) (Edward Carmichael, Romilda Vane, Zacharias Smith)
Title: The Post Access Act (1/2)
Author: deianaera
Characters: Eddie Carmichael, Romilda Vane, Zacharias Smith
Prompt number: 18
Word Count: ~11,000
Rating: PG
Warnings: None
Summary: Eddie, Romilda, and Zacharias formed the PaLS, the Pureblood Lobbyist Society, to function as a dedicated audience for their cleverness and a mutual support group for their work. When a squib named Freddy Black uses a potion to drug Muggle women and gets caught, the PaLS deal with the fallout and each other.
Disclaimer: If you recognize it, it's not mine.
Author’s Notes: I am deeply, deeply grateful to my RL friend M. for stepping in and providing Beta services. It's been a long (long!) time since I've done this. tamlane, thank you for the awesome prompt. Most of all, thank you all for reading - I hope you enjoy.
The Post Access Act
December 2018
Daily Prophet
19 And Counting
How Many Muggles Did Freddy Black Attack?
by Miles Farrow
The news coming out about Freddy Black from the Muggle world continues to get worse. According to the Crown Solicitor (Muggle Interrogator before their Wizengamot) for the case, 19 women have come forward to claim that Black attacked them. Muggle Aurors publicly speculate that more victims may be out there and they want them to come forward.
While the Muggle Aurors attribute Black’s attacks to their “drug” GHB, our own Aurors have found that Black was, in fact, purchasing the “Passionate Embrace” potion from Essential Potions via owl order and giving the potion to unsuspecting Muggle women. As Black is a squib, the MLE has chosen to allow the Muggle prosecution to move forward without their input.
“Besides,” MLE spokeswitch Lamia Caraway added, “technically, he didn’t commit a crime in our world. We can’t just haul him into Azkaban because he gave Muggles a legally brewed potion.”
Essential Potions declined to comment for this story, referring to their original statement that “‘Passionate Embrace’ is a potion designed for couples looking to add spice to their relationship. We abhor this clear abuse of the potion and are fully cooperating with the MLE in their investigations.”
Eddie was enjoying the Ministry’s annual holiday party when Felicia Chang sauntered over to him with purpose. He smiled and sipped his cocktail as he enjoyed her hip-swaying walk and speculated on her purpose. Her role as head of the Ministry’s secretarial pool ensured her access to any and every ear she wanted. If she wanted his ear - or any other part belonging to a man - she had his understandably divided attention.
“Eddie,” she purred with the faintest hint of an accent. “I was hoping to find you tonight.”
“Felicia, I am at your disposal,” he replied gallantly. Spotting a passing house elf, he deposited his glass on its tray and offered the gorgeous witch his arm.
“Oh, I do love a gentleman,” she said laughingly as she took his arm and guided him onto the dance floor.
Settling into a simple dance, Eddie let the steps he was taught as a child take over as Felicia’s perfume enticed him. She followed his lead, her steps as tutored as his own. A small smile teased the corners of her mouth as they passed a clearly Muggle-born couple awkwardly attempting the same dance.
“Ah, I do love these gatherings,” Felicia murmured. “A constant reminder of the importance of good breeding.”
Eddie chuckled. “Or the importance of etiquette lessons.”
“Too true. Too many of the so-called up-and-comers seem to lack even basic manners,” Felicia replied with a hint of bitterness.
“Oh? I would have thought anyone being groomed for advancement would have that drilled into them early on.”
“You would think, wouldn’t you? But, no. I mean, take this whole Freddy Black mess. It used to be when a family was so unfortunate as to have a squib, they would make sure he was taken care of. They would provide him with the means to earn a living in our world. Now, they find themselves squeezed out to fend for themselves any way they can. And if they happen to make a mistake, they find themselves outcast in two worlds for it. It’s a shame.”
“From what I heard, Black wasn’t exactly selling Pepper-Up,” Eddie replied carefully.
“Oh, I know it,” Felicia replied rapidly. “But, well, they were all Muggles. It’s not like anyone really got hurt. And now that Weasley woman with the horrid hair is actually planning to police the post!”
Eddie nearly stumbled on a spin on that. “How can she possibly think that could work? No one would stand for it!”
“Oh, she’s got the Minister in her pocket. Or other places. How else could so many of these Muggle protection laws get pushed through?”
The song ended and Felicia disengaged from him gracefully. “Well, thank you for the lovely dance, Eddie. I knew I could count on you for a proper spin,” she said with a feline grin.
Eddie bowed and kissed her hand. “My pleasure Felicia. Anytime I can oblige you, I shall.”
Mulling over the gossip Felicia shared, Eddie sought out his counterpart, Romilda Vane. Where Eddie was his own man, with his own consulting business, Romilda was attached to the Potioneer Society as its Ministry strategist. A good deal of her work focused on laws pertaining to potion sales and their distribution. She had been working overtime since it had come out that the potions Black used to drug those Muggle women had come from one of the better-known manufacturers, Essential Potions.
Romilda was seated at a table with Honoria Shacklebolt, the Prophet’s Ministry reporter. She liked to style herself a “senior correspondent” and the Prophet humored her since she was the second cousin of Kingsley Shacklebolt. Her Malfoy kinship altered the Shacklebolt dark skin to something the color of tea with heavy cream and gave her a riot of blonde curls. Her handsome features spoke of her relationship to the minister and Eddie remember the one night he’d spent with her when he first started working the Ministry fondly.
Romilda was animated in her speech to the reporter and she smouldered in wine red robes that paired well with her dark heavy hair and pale skin. Still, where Honoria looked - and was - a great deal of fun to be with, Romilda left him cold. He knew she was a Gryffindor but he’d be willing to swear she was planted in the house by Salazar Slytherin himself. Nevertheless, he put on a smile and made his way to the women.
“Romilda, Honoria, may I join you?” he asked with a smile and a wink for Honoria.
“Oh, Eddie, you’re always welcome! Take a seat,” Honoria said, gesturing to the empty seat next to her.
“Thank you, “ he said, seating himself. “I was hoping to run into you tonight, Romilda.”
“Oh? Come to gloat some more?” she spit.
“Not at all! I actually came in friendship, I swear! I merely heard some interesting news and thought you should know,” Eddie said, avidly aware of Honoria leaning in oh-so-casually to not miss a syllable.
“Really? Do tell,” Romilda purred.
“A friend of mine confided in me that there’s a new Muggle protection law coming along because of the Black...problem,” Eddie said delicately and the look of pure fury that crossed Romilda’s face at its mention made him glad he refrained from more accurate terms. “The MLE plans to police the post to protect Muggles from our world.”
“Really?” Romilda said. “Who’s brilliant idea was that?”
“Who else, my dear? The champion of the Muggle-borns herself, Hermione Weasley,” Eddie replied.
“Now isn’t that interesting,” Romilda said absently, naked calculation on her features. “Honoria, I think we’ll pick up our conversation tomorrow. I’m afraid I have some work to do.”
“Oh, of course, Romilda. I know how these things happen. I’m sure Eddie will keep me company.”
“Thanks, Eddie,” Romilda said, her thoughts elsewhere as she rose from the table.
Eddie waved her off and turned his attention to his companion. Every good deed deserves a reward.
January 2019
Daily Prophet
MLE Champions New Muggle-born Supremacy Bill Before Wizengamot
Hermione Weasley leads the charge
by Honoria Shacklebolt, senior correspondent
Ms. Weasley, as she prefers to be called, is leading the charge in the latest onslaught on traditional Wizarding culture. Her latest effort in destruction is simply the “Post Access Act”, an innocuous name that belies it poison. Ms. Weasley, nee Granger, claims that the bill will simply promote greater access to the Wizarding world for the immediate family of Muggle-borns, such as herself, as well as helping preserve the statute of Secrecy in regards to Owl Post communications between our world and the Muggle one.
“Ms. Shacklebolt, the idea that this bill is harmful is ridiculous! It is merely about refining the coordination of the Owl Post with standard Muggle post to ensure that Muggle-borns have better communication with their families. It is also designed to help preserve the secrecy of our world by ensuring contraband magical items are not transmitted via Owl Post to Muggles. Honestly! Not everything has to be a conspiracy!” said Ms. Weasley when pressed for details before flouncing off in a huff.
See page 7 for more information about the contents of this bill, page 8 for more about Ms. Weasley’s ties to Muggle supremacy groups.
Eddie casually tossed the paper into the center of the table, neatly missing the candlelit centerpiece but sending it careening into Romilda’s wine glass. The nearly full glass toppled, sending red wine in a splattering arc across Romilda’s designer white blouse. Both Eddie and Zacharias struggled to hide their smirks.
“Hey!” Romilda exclaimed angrily. With a snarl marring her perfect crimson lips, she whipped out her wand and quickly siphoned the wine from her top, restoring it to pristine condition. Still, she dabbed at the space the stain inhabited while glaring at him. “This is a DG original!”
Eddie took his customary seat at Zacharias Smith’s left with careless aplomb and signaled for service before returning her comment. “Page three. Let me know if you need help with the larger words.”
Zacharias was already chuckling into his whiskey as Romilda stopped fretting over her shirt and snatched up the paper. Eddie’s help with larger words was not needed, but he noted that her mouth did move as she read. When she finished the main article, she tossed the paper back onto the table and sat back with a satisfied smirk on her face.
“I really ought to treat Honoria to dinner. This should kill that stupid bill before it even gets started.”
Zacharias snorted and set down his drink. His ice blue eyes bored into Romilda’s face until she looked away.
“Really, Romilda? Essential Potions was encouraging its customers to use Owl Post to ship its more illicit potions to known Muggle environments. Everyone knows it. Anyone who ever bought one of their potions knows it. And if it hadn’t been for Freddy Black, they may have even been able to keep it up. But Freddy did get caught and you’re remarkably lucky Muggle authorities are clueless and mistook the potion for one of their drugs. Otherwise, you probably would be out a job.
“The Ministry has to do something to look like its combating things like Black and unless someone puts something better on the table, then the Post Access Act will end up law.”
“Well, we still accomplished part of our goal - we did crack the Muggle market, although in a less-than-savory fashion. Now when we get this bill killed, potioneers and apothecaries of all stripes should be able to expand into more appropriate markets. Which is better than you have accomplished, Zachy.” Romilda added with a wide shark smile.
Now it was Zacharias’s turn to grouse. He flushed an unbecoming shade of red, which just made Romilda grin even more.
“Look, antiques-” Zacharias began before Romilda cut him off with a scarlet-tipped wave of her hand.
“Don’t bullshit us, Zacharias. We know what Borgin and Burkes and their ilk deal in,” she said flatly.
“As I was saying before I was so rudely - and crassly - interrupted, antiques is a fixed market, without the wild fluctuations of trade. My business has been steady and secure; we’ve no need to break into Muggle markets to keep afloat.”
“Still, I could use a hand from you two on this. If it’s just me pushing this down, then what you said is right Zacharias - they’ll find another bill. But if you two can give me hand, then shutting this nonsense down shouldn’t be a problem.”
Zacharias sipped his whisky before nodding. “That makes sense. We rarely use the post to ship, but I think Borgin and Burke has little interest in having its packages available for inspection. After all,” he said with a knowing smirk, “we do pride ourselves on discretion.”
Eddie grinned. “Why not? But you’ll owe me a favor, Romilda.”
Romilda nodded. “Then let’s get to work.”
~/~/~
Next Tuesday found Zacharias, Romilda, and Eddie crossing paths in the lower levels of the ministry building. Each one was armed with the talking points of their particular associations and ready to jump into subtle fray of derailing a bill in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement.
Eddie decided this was the perfect place for a bit of interdepartmental friction. As any family with a house elf knew, prior to her move to the MLE, Granger had been in the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures. She had not made friends in her zealous quest to upend the established households of many of the most powerful and well-regarded names in the country by freeing house elves from their chosen families. Post owls fell in the category of magical creatures. So, to begin, Eddie scheduled lunch with an old family friend, Henry Bagshot; he also just happened to be the assistant secretary for the under secretary of the Owl Postmaster General.
Eddie booked a seat in the private dining hall in the Ministry cafeteria for lunch and arrived ten minutes ahead of schedule to make sure someone hadn’t bribed Ophelia Figg-Price into “forgetting” his reservation. Sometimes he realized it was a good thing that visitors were forced to check their wands at the door; Ophelia was never that bright to begin with and every time he dealt with her malicious grift he itched to hex her from London to Paris and back again. Still, he smiled and complimented her on her perfume - a stench that compared unfavorably to cat piss and her own personal brew - and he had his table, perfectly positioned to allow him to observe without being observed while he waited for Henry.
Over in far corner he could see Zacharias talking with Alphard Wiggins, the assistant head of the Office of Misuse of Muggle Artifacts - too obviously secretive, he mentally chided. Zacharias could never get off his high horse long enough to flatter Ophelia into better seating. Romilda was talking with Marietta Edgecombe, who had joined her mother in the Floo Control office. Despite their close seating and low tones, their spiteful words carried well. Romilda probably commented on Ophelia’s perfume to be so well acoustically placed for eavesdropping.
He was ready to settle into overhearing Romilda’s gossip-fest when Henry walked in. It was clear he thought himself important - he had the fine robes and perfectly tied cravat that screamed ‘poseur’ - but no one even noticed his entrance. A pout was forming on Henry’s round face as he approached Eddie’s isolated table.
Eddie stood up and greeted him with a firm handshake. “Cousin Henry! So glad you find time in your busy schedule to dine with me. I hope you don’t mind, I took the liberty of reserving a private table - don’t want you getting mobbed with work while you should be taking a well-deserved break, eh?” he said with a shared chuckle. Henry, properly mollified, wedged his oversized form into the chair opposite Eddie.
Another reason for this particular table - the acoustics were horrid in this part of the room. Even a well placed Extendable Ear had a hard time overhearing conversations in this part of the room.
“Cousin Henry, Eddie? Really? How big of a favor do you need to dredge up that tie?” Henry said with a wide smile.
“It’s true enough, Henry and I do recall you being introduced to me as such at a family gathering after the unpleasantness with You-Know-Who. Besides, who said I was asking for a favor?” Eddie replied with a grin and signaled the waiting house elf to order.
Eddie and Henry ordered their lunch - a simple soup and fish entree for him, an aged red elf-made wine, rare steak and butter-poached fish for Henry. Henry waited for the wine and drank deeply before continuing.
“I know you’re asking for a favor, Eddie. Everyone does, considering my position,” he said, puffing up his chest. “So, who's mail do you want re-routed to the Prophet?”
“No one’s,” Eddie replied with a sip of water. “I just wanted to talk to you and see how you were faring now that your department’s been taken over by the MLE.”
Henry fumbled his goblet. “We’re not being taken over by the MLE! Where’d you hear that nonsense?” he sputtered as he snapped for their attending house elf to clear the mess.
Eddie opened his eyes wide. “I’m sorry, Henry, I just assumed and wanted to find out how it was going to work. You know my work - it’s always helpful to understand what’s going on here.”
“Oh, I do, I do. But why would you ever assume that the Owl Post would fall under MLE’s jurisdiction? We’ve nothing to do with law enforcement.”
“Didn’t you hear about the Post Access Act? I mean, if the MLE is going to have authority to determine delivery destinations and inspect parcels for dark artifacts, then it seems to me that they are taking over the Owl Post itself.”
“What’s this about the Post Access Act? I certainly didn’t write any such thestral shit.”
“Oh, I know you wouldn’t, Henry. According to the Prophet, it was Hermione Weasley in the MLE who wrote it up after that mess with Freddy Black using potions on Muggles.”
“Hermione. Weasley.” Henry ground out bitterly. “That bitch.”
Their meals arrived at that point and the prospect of eating fine on Eddie’s knut made the rest of the lunch pleasant and Eddie parted company after finishing his fish. Henry was still swilling wine. On the way out, he settled the account with Ophelia, who was now scent free. He whistled as he exited the Ministry and returned to his office in Commerce Alley; this had been a productive day.
February 2019
Daily Prophet
Weasley Bill at Heart of Inter-Departmental Dispute
Will the Minister be forced to mediate?
by Honoria Shacklebolt, senior correspondent
Shouts erupted from the Ministry last week as the heads of the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, the Magical Transportation Department, and the Department of Magical Law Enforcement fought over which department should have jurisdiction of Owl Post regulation. Sources in the Ministry confirm that Ms. Weasley’s contention new bill, the Post Access Act, was the cause of the dispute.
“You would think she had better things to do, but apparently all she can think about is more ways to meddle,” one source confided anonymously.
Another, Greg Lounds from the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, had this to say: “Her tendency to abuse her status as a so-called ‘war heroine’ and the friend of the Boy-Who-Lived shows itself again. She used her time in my department to ram house elf legislation down the throats of good wizarding families across Britain and now she’s looking to do the same in the Department for Magical Law Enforcement. We breathed a sigh of relief when she left for the MLE; it’s a shame that we still have to deal with her outrageous ideas now.”
Sources close to Ms. Weasley commented, but their words, sadly, are not fit for this august publication.
The Ministry and the Department for Magical Law Enforcement declined to comment for this article.
See page 9 for more information about the contents of this bill, page 16 for more about Ms. Weasley’s contentious work in the Ministry.
Eddie hadn’t seen Honoria’s article when he joined Zacharias and Romilda for dinner. Still, their satisfied smiles told him something unpleasant must be in the wind for someone. Zacharias never smiled unless someone was getting fucked over and he was responsible for it. Romilda smiled all the time, but she only meant it when blood was in the water. No wonder they never laughed. He took his seat with a bit of trepidation. It wouldn’t be the first time that he was the reason for their malicious joy.
He sat down and ordered his drink, waiting for them to drop the news on him. It didn’t take long for Romilda to crack and show him the article. When he finished reading it, Romilda saluted him with her glass and said, “Well, Eddie, I’ll take it you’re responsible for getting Magical Creatures on board. Nice touch, by the way.”
Eddie nodded and raised his glass in return. “I saw you lunching with Marietta Edgecombe last month. Let me return the compliment. Floo Control is an inspired touch.”
Zacharias’s smile fell and he glowered at his companions. “What? No congratulations for getting MLE to look at this in a new light?”
Eddie chuckled and saluted him with his glass. “I think there’s quite enough to go around, Zacharias. There’s no way they’ll sort out this snarl without killing the Post Access Act.”
Zacharias’s smile return. “Too true. MLE is adamant that since it’s their bill and they are law enforcement, they will naturally have to take over the Post. They don’t want to do it, but ‘for the good of Merlin and wizards’ they’ll make the sacrifice.”
Eddie nodded. “A toast. To wizarding nature. May it always be contrary.”
~/~/~
Two weeks later, Eddie was in his office reviewing a brief on miscegenation laws when his secretary, Lisette, rapped on the door.
“Mr. Carmichael, a Mr. Weasley is here to see you,’ she announced, faintly disapproving as she added, “He doesn’t have an appointment.”
Eddie set aside the brief and said, “Let him in Lisette.” Pitching his voice to carry, he added, “No need to keep Mr. Weasley waiting. He’s a very important man.”
George Weasley, dressed in lurid magenta robes with worn dragon hide boots peeking out from the hem, brushed past Lisette and into his office and seated himself before Eddie. Lisette discretely closed the door, leaving them alone.
“Carmichael, I’m afraid I’m in need of your services,” Weasley said bluntly.
“Of course, Mr. Weasley. How can I help you?” Eddie asked respectfully.
“This Post Access Act,” he began, but Eddie interrupted.
“Is dead on arrival,” he assured him.
“I know, Carmichael. That’s the problem,” George said with a sigh. “I had significant investments tied into research on packaging designed to provide privacy when the law went into effect. The research is expensive, but providing fruit. But without the Post Access Act, I have no ready market. WWW has enough competition now that I need that first comer position. You’re the best in the business at navigating the Ministry. I need you to get the bill back on track.”
“Why are you talking to me? This is your sister-in-law’s bill. Shouldn’t you just talk to her about it?”
George laughed, a ghost of his youth. “Yeah, you’ve never dealt with Hermione when it comes to ethics, have you?”
“Not true. I remember her well as a swotty prefect back when we were at Hogwarts. She confiscated tons of contraband, especially during OWLs.”
“She’s worse now. No talking about bills in the family. Not even the appearance of anything resembling nepotism or improper behavior. If I tried to bring this up to her, she’d snatch my other ear off my head,” George said.
“As unpleasant as that sounds, you have to know that this isn’t going to be easy,” Eddie said quietly. “Her bill kicked off some massive infighting at the Ministry.”
“I’ll double your normal fee,” George said soberly.
“But that just means a talented peacemaker is needed,” Eddie added smoothly. “I’m sure I can help you in this matter.”
George smiled and stood up, then shook Eddie’s hand. “I knew I could count on you, Carmichael. Send me your owl when you’ve got the matter resolved.”
Before Eddie could offer any other remarks, he left the office. However, the mess was still here. Weasley Wizarding Wheezes would be a lucrative customer if he could cultivate this into a long-term relationship. And it wasn’t like Romilda was paying him for derailing the bill to begin with. Now, he just had to figure out how to undo what they had done.
Part Two
Author: deianaera
Characters: Eddie Carmichael, Romilda Vane, Zacharias Smith
Prompt number: 18
Word Count: ~11,000
Rating: PG
Warnings: None
Summary: Eddie, Romilda, and Zacharias formed the PaLS, the Pureblood Lobbyist Society, to function as a dedicated audience for their cleverness and a mutual support group for their work. When a squib named Freddy Black uses a potion to drug Muggle women and gets caught, the PaLS deal with the fallout and each other.
Disclaimer: If you recognize it, it's not mine.
Author’s Notes: I am deeply, deeply grateful to my RL friend M. for stepping in and providing Beta services. It's been a long (long!) time since I've done this. tamlane, thank you for the awesome prompt. Most of all, thank you all for reading - I hope you enjoy.
The Post Access Act
December 2018
Daily Prophet
19 And Counting
How Many Muggles Did Freddy Black Attack?
by Miles Farrow
The news coming out about Freddy Black from the Muggle world continues to get worse. According to the Crown Solicitor (Muggle Interrogator before their Wizengamot) for the case, 19 women have come forward to claim that Black attacked them. Muggle Aurors publicly speculate that more victims may be out there and they want them to come forward.
While the Muggle Aurors attribute Black’s attacks to their “drug” GHB, our own Aurors have found that Black was, in fact, purchasing the “Passionate Embrace” potion from Essential Potions via owl order and giving the potion to unsuspecting Muggle women. As Black is a squib, the MLE has chosen to allow the Muggle prosecution to move forward without their input.
“Besides,” MLE spokeswitch Lamia Caraway added, “technically, he didn’t commit a crime in our world. We can’t just haul him into Azkaban because he gave Muggles a legally brewed potion.”
Essential Potions declined to comment for this story, referring to their original statement that “‘Passionate Embrace’ is a potion designed for couples looking to add spice to their relationship. We abhor this clear abuse of the potion and are fully cooperating with the MLE in their investigations.”
Eddie was enjoying the Ministry’s annual holiday party when Felicia Chang sauntered over to him with purpose. He smiled and sipped his cocktail as he enjoyed her hip-swaying walk and speculated on her purpose. Her role as head of the Ministry’s secretarial pool ensured her access to any and every ear she wanted. If she wanted his ear - or any other part belonging to a man - she had his understandably divided attention.
“Eddie,” she purred with the faintest hint of an accent. “I was hoping to find you tonight.”
“Felicia, I am at your disposal,” he replied gallantly. Spotting a passing house elf, he deposited his glass on its tray and offered the gorgeous witch his arm.
“Oh, I do love a gentleman,” she said laughingly as she took his arm and guided him onto the dance floor.
Settling into a simple dance, Eddie let the steps he was taught as a child take over as Felicia’s perfume enticed him. She followed his lead, her steps as tutored as his own. A small smile teased the corners of her mouth as they passed a clearly Muggle-born couple awkwardly attempting the same dance.
“Ah, I do love these gatherings,” Felicia murmured. “A constant reminder of the importance of good breeding.”
Eddie chuckled. “Or the importance of etiquette lessons.”
“Too true. Too many of the so-called up-and-comers seem to lack even basic manners,” Felicia replied with a hint of bitterness.
“Oh? I would have thought anyone being groomed for advancement would have that drilled into them early on.”
“You would think, wouldn’t you? But, no. I mean, take this whole Freddy Black mess. It used to be when a family was so unfortunate as to have a squib, they would make sure he was taken care of. They would provide him with the means to earn a living in our world. Now, they find themselves squeezed out to fend for themselves any way they can. And if they happen to make a mistake, they find themselves outcast in two worlds for it. It’s a shame.”
“From what I heard, Black wasn’t exactly selling Pepper-Up,” Eddie replied carefully.
“Oh, I know it,” Felicia replied rapidly. “But, well, they were all Muggles. It’s not like anyone really got hurt. And now that Weasley woman with the horrid hair is actually planning to police the post!”
Eddie nearly stumbled on a spin on that. “How can she possibly think that could work? No one would stand for it!”
“Oh, she’s got the Minister in her pocket. Or other places. How else could so many of these Muggle protection laws get pushed through?”
The song ended and Felicia disengaged from him gracefully. “Well, thank you for the lovely dance, Eddie. I knew I could count on you for a proper spin,” she said with a feline grin.
Eddie bowed and kissed her hand. “My pleasure Felicia. Anytime I can oblige you, I shall.”
Mulling over the gossip Felicia shared, Eddie sought out his counterpart, Romilda Vane. Where Eddie was his own man, with his own consulting business, Romilda was attached to the Potioneer Society as its Ministry strategist. A good deal of her work focused on laws pertaining to potion sales and their distribution. She had been working overtime since it had come out that the potions Black used to drug those Muggle women had come from one of the better-known manufacturers, Essential Potions.
Romilda was seated at a table with Honoria Shacklebolt, the Prophet’s Ministry reporter. She liked to style herself a “senior correspondent” and the Prophet humored her since she was the second cousin of Kingsley Shacklebolt. Her Malfoy kinship altered the Shacklebolt dark skin to something the color of tea with heavy cream and gave her a riot of blonde curls. Her handsome features spoke of her relationship to the minister and Eddie remember the one night he’d spent with her when he first started working the Ministry fondly.
Romilda was animated in her speech to the reporter and she smouldered in wine red robes that paired well with her dark heavy hair and pale skin. Still, where Honoria looked - and was - a great deal of fun to be with, Romilda left him cold. He knew she was a Gryffindor but he’d be willing to swear she was planted in the house by Salazar Slytherin himself. Nevertheless, he put on a smile and made his way to the women.
“Romilda, Honoria, may I join you?” he asked with a smile and a wink for Honoria.
“Oh, Eddie, you’re always welcome! Take a seat,” Honoria said, gesturing to the empty seat next to her.
“Thank you, “ he said, seating himself. “I was hoping to run into you tonight, Romilda.”
“Oh? Come to gloat some more?” she spit.
“Not at all! I actually came in friendship, I swear! I merely heard some interesting news and thought you should know,” Eddie said, avidly aware of Honoria leaning in oh-so-casually to not miss a syllable.
“Really? Do tell,” Romilda purred.
“A friend of mine confided in me that there’s a new Muggle protection law coming along because of the Black...problem,” Eddie said delicately and the look of pure fury that crossed Romilda’s face at its mention made him glad he refrained from more accurate terms. “The MLE plans to police the post to protect Muggles from our world.”
“Really?” Romilda said. “Who’s brilliant idea was that?”
“Who else, my dear? The champion of the Muggle-borns herself, Hermione Weasley,” Eddie replied.
“Now isn’t that interesting,” Romilda said absently, naked calculation on her features. “Honoria, I think we’ll pick up our conversation tomorrow. I’m afraid I have some work to do.”
“Oh, of course, Romilda. I know how these things happen. I’m sure Eddie will keep me company.”
“Thanks, Eddie,” Romilda said, her thoughts elsewhere as she rose from the table.
Eddie waved her off and turned his attention to his companion. Every good deed deserves a reward.
January 2019
Daily Prophet
MLE Champions New Muggle-born Supremacy Bill Before Wizengamot
Hermione Weasley leads the charge
by Honoria Shacklebolt, senior correspondent
Ms. Weasley, as she prefers to be called, is leading the charge in the latest onslaught on traditional Wizarding culture. Her latest effort in destruction is simply the “Post Access Act”, an innocuous name that belies it poison. Ms. Weasley, nee Granger, claims that the bill will simply promote greater access to the Wizarding world for the immediate family of Muggle-borns, such as herself, as well as helping preserve the statute of Secrecy in regards to Owl Post communications between our world and the Muggle one.
“Ms. Shacklebolt, the idea that this bill is harmful is ridiculous! It is merely about refining the coordination of the Owl Post with standard Muggle post to ensure that Muggle-borns have better communication with their families. It is also designed to help preserve the secrecy of our world by ensuring contraband magical items are not transmitted via Owl Post to Muggles. Honestly! Not everything has to be a conspiracy!” said Ms. Weasley when pressed for details before flouncing off in a huff.
See page 7 for more information about the contents of this bill, page 8 for more about Ms. Weasley’s ties to Muggle supremacy groups.
Eddie casually tossed the paper into the center of the table, neatly missing the candlelit centerpiece but sending it careening into Romilda’s wine glass. The nearly full glass toppled, sending red wine in a splattering arc across Romilda’s designer white blouse. Both Eddie and Zacharias struggled to hide their smirks.
“Hey!” Romilda exclaimed angrily. With a snarl marring her perfect crimson lips, she whipped out her wand and quickly siphoned the wine from her top, restoring it to pristine condition. Still, she dabbed at the space the stain inhabited while glaring at him. “This is a DG original!”
Eddie took his customary seat at Zacharias Smith’s left with careless aplomb and signaled for service before returning her comment. “Page three. Let me know if you need help with the larger words.”
Zacharias was already chuckling into his whiskey as Romilda stopped fretting over her shirt and snatched up the paper. Eddie’s help with larger words was not needed, but he noted that her mouth did move as she read. When she finished the main article, she tossed the paper back onto the table and sat back with a satisfied smirk on her face.
“I really ought to treat Honoria to dinner. This should kill that stupid bill before it even gets started.”
Zacharias snorted and set down his drink. His ice blue eyes bored into Romilda’s face until she looked away.
“Really, Romilda? Essential Potions was encouraging its customers to use Owl Post to ship its more illicit potions to known Muggle environments. Everyone knows it. Anyone who ever bought one of their potions knows it. And if it hadn’t been for Freddy Black, they may have even been able to keep it up. But Freddy did get caught and you’re remarkably lucky Muggle authorities are clueless and mistook the potion for one of their drugs. Otherwise, you probably would be out a job.
“The Ministry has to do something to look like its combating things like Black and unless someone puts something better on the table, then the Post Access Act will end up law.”
“Well, we still accomplished part of our goal - we did crack the Muggle market, although in a less-than-savory fashion. Now when we get this bill killed, potioneers and apothecaries of all stripes should be able to expand into more appropriate markets. Which is better than you have accomplished, Zachy.” Romilda added with a wide shark smile.
Now it was Zacharias’s turn to grouse. He flushed an unbecoming shade of red, which just made Romilda grin even more.
“Look, antiques-” Zacharias began before Romilda cut him off with a scarlet-tipped wave of her hand.
“Don’t bullshit us, Zacharias. We know what Borgin and Burkes and their ilk deal in,” she said flatly.
“As I was saying before I was so rudely - and crassly - interrupted, antiques is a fixed market, without the wild fluctuations of trade. My business has been steady and secure; we’ve no need to break into Muggle markets to keep afloat.”
“Still, I could use a hand from you two on this. If it’s just me pushing this down, then what you said is right Zacharias - they’ll find another bill. But if you two can give me hand, then shutting this nonsense down shouldn’t be a problem.”
Zacharias sipped his whisky before nodding. “That makes sense. We rarely use the post to ship, but I think Borgin and Burke has little interest in having its packages available for inspection. After all,” he said with a knowing smirk, “we do pride ourselves on discretion.”
Eddie grinned. “Why not? But you’ll owe me a favor, Romilda.”
Romilda nodded. “Then let’s get to work.”
~/~/~
Next Tuesday found Zacharias, Romilda, and Eddie crossing paths in the lower levels of the ministry building. Each one was armed with the talking points of their particular associations and ready to jump into subtle fray of derailing a bill in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement.
Eddie decided this was the perfect place for a bit of interdepartmental friction. As any family with a house elf knew, prior to her move to the MLE, Granger had been in the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures. She had not made friends in her zealous quest to upend the established households of many of the most powerful and well-regarded names in the country by freeing house elves from their chosen families. Post owls fell in the category of magical creatures. So, to begin, Eddie scheduled lunch with an old family friend, Henry Bagshot; he also just happened to be the assistant secretary for the under secretary of the Owl Postmaster General.
Eddie booked a seat in the private dining hall in the Ministry cafeteria for lunch and arrived ten minutes ahead of schedule to make sure someone hadn’t bribed Ophelia Figg-Price into “forgetting” his reservation. Sometimes he realized it was a good thing that visitors were forced to check their wands at the door; Ophelia was never that bright to begin with and every time he dealt with her malicious grift he itched to hex her from London to Paris and back again. Still, he smiled and complimented her on her perfume - a stench that compared unfavorably to cat piss and her own personal brew - and he had his table, perfectly positioned to allow him to observe without being observed while he waited for Henry.
Over in far corner he could see Zacharias talking with Alphard Wiggins, the assistant head of the Office of Misuse of Muggle Artifacts - too obviously secretive, he mentally chided. Zacharias could never get off his high horse long enough to flatter Ophelia into better seating. Romilda was talking with Marietta Edgecombe, who had joined her mother in the Floo Control office. Despite their close seating and low tones, their spiteful words carried well. Romilda probably commented on Ophelia’s perfume to be so well acoustically placed for eavesdropping.
He was ready to settle into overhearing Romilda’s gossip-fest when Henry walked in. It was clear he thought himself important - he had the fine robes and perfectly tied cravat that screamed ‘poseur’ - but no one even noticed his entrance. A pout was forming on Henry’s round face as he approached Eddie’s isolated table.
Eddie stood up and greeted him with a firm handshake. “Cousin Henry! So glad you find time in your busy schedule to dine with me. I hope you don’t mind, I took the liberty of reserving a private table - don’t want you getting mobbed with work while you should be taking a well-deserved break, eh?” he said with a shared chuckle. Henry, properly mollified, wedged his oversized form into the chair opposite Eddie.
Another reason for this particular table - the acoustics were horrid in this part of the room. Even a well placed Extendable Ear had a hard time overhearing conversations in this part of the room.
“Cousin Henry, Eddie? Really? How big of a favor do you need to dredge up that tie?” Henry said with a wide smile.
“It’s true enough, Henry and I do recall you being introduced to me as such at a family gathering after the unpleasantness with You-Know-Who. Besides, who said I was asking for a favor?” Eddie replied with a grin and signaled the waiting house elf to order.
Eddie and Henry ordered their lunch - a simple soup and fish entree for him, an aged red elf-made wine, rare steak and butter-poached fish for Henry. Henry waited for the wine and drank deeply before continuing.
“I know you’re asking for a favor, Eddie. Everyone does, considering my position,” he said, puffing up his chest. “So, who's mail do you want re-routed to the Prophet?”
“No one’s,” Eddie replied with a sip of water. “I just wanted to talk to you and see how you were faring now that your department’s been taken over by the MLE.”
Henry fumbled his goblet. “We’re not being taken over by the MLE! Where’d you hear that nonsense?” he sputtered as he snapped for their attending house elf to clear the mess.
Eddie opened his eyes wide. “I’m sorry, Henry, I just assumed and wanted to find out how it was going to work. You know my work - it’s always helpful to understand what’s going on here.”
“Oh, I do, I do. But why would you ever assume that the Owl Post would fall under MLE’s jurisdiction? We’ve nothing to do with law enforcement.”
“Didn’t you hear about the Post Access Act? I mean, if the MLE is going to have authority to determine delivery destinations and inspect parcels for dark artifacts, then it seems to me that they are taking over the Owl Post itself.”
“What’s this about the Post Access Act? I certainly didn’t write any such thestral shit.”
“Oh, I know you wouldn’t, Henry. According to the Prophet, it was Hermione Weasley in the MLE who wrote it up after that mess with Freddy Black using potions on Muggles.”
“Hermione. Weasley.” Henry ground out bitterly. “That bitch.”
Their meals arrived at that point and the prospect of eating fine on Eddie’s knut made the rest of the lunch pleasant and Eddie parted company after finishing his fish. Henry was still swilling wine. On the way out, he settled the account with Ophelia, who was now scent free. He whistled as he exited the Ministry and returned to his office in Commerce Alley; this had been a productive day.
February 2019
Daily Prophet
Weasley Bill at Heart of Inter-Departmental Dispute
Will the Minister be forced to mediate?
by Honoria Shacklebolt, senior correspondent
Shouts erupted from the Ministry last week as the heads of the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, the Magical Transportation Department, and the Department of Magical Law Enforcement fought over which department should have jurisdiction of Owl Post regulation. Sources in the Ministry confirm that Ms. Weasley’s contention new bill, the Post Access Act, was the cause of the dispute.
“You would think she had better things to do, but apparently all she can think about is more ways to meddle,” one source confided anonymously.
Another, Greg Lounds from the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, had this to say: “Her tendency to abuse her status as a so-called ‘war heroine’ and the friend of the Boy-Who-Lived shows itself again. She used her time in my department to ram house elf legislation down the throats of good wizarding families across Britain and now she’s looking to do the same in the Department for Magical Law Enforcement. We breathed a sigh of relief when she left for the MLE; it’s a shame that we still have to deal with her outrageous ideas now.”
Sources close to Ms. Weasley commented, but their words, sadly, are not fit for this august publication.
The Ministry and the Department for Magical Law Enforcement declined to comment for this article.
See page 9 for more information about the contents of this bill, page 16 for more about Ms. Weasley’s contentious work in the Ministry.
Eddie hadn’t seen Honoria’s article when he joined Zacharias and Romilda for dinner. Still, their satisfied smiles told him something unpleasant must be in the wind for someone. Zacharias never smiled unless someone was getting fucked over and he was responsible for it. Romilda smiled all the time, but she only meant it when blood was in the water. No wonder they never laughed. He took his seat with a bit of trepidation. It wouldn’t be the first time that he was the reason for their malicious joy.
He sat down and ordered his drink, waiting for them to drop the news on him. It didn’t take long for Romilda to crack and show him the article. When he finished reading it, Romilda saluted him with her glass and said, “Well, Eddie, I’ll take it you’re responsible for getting Magical Creatures on board. Nice touch, by the way.”
Eddie nodded and raised his glass in return. “I saw you lunching with Marietta Edgecombe last month. Let me return the compliment. Floo Control is an inspired touch.”
Zacharias’s smile fell and he glowered at his companions. “What? No congratulations for getting MLE to look at this in a new light?”
Eddie chuckled and saluted him with his glass. “I think there’s quite enough to go around, Zacharias. There’s no way they’ll sort out this snarl without killing the Post Access Act.”
Zacharias’s smile return. “Too true. MLE is adamant that since it’s their bill and they are law enforcement, they will naturally have to take over the Post. They don’t want to do it, but ‘for the good of Merlin and wizards’ they’ll make the sacrifice.”
Eddie nodded. “A toast. To wizarding nature. May it always be contrary.”
~/~/~
Two weeks later, Eddie was in his office reviewing a brief on miscegenation laws when his secretary, Lisette, rapped on the door.
“Mr. Carmichael, a Mr. Weasley is here to see you,’ she announced, faintly disapproving as she added, “He doesn’t have an appointment.”
Eddie set aside the brief and said, “Let him in Lisette.” Pitching his voice to carry, he added, “No need to keep Mr. Weasley waiting. He’s a very important man.”
George Weasley, dressed in lurid magenta robes with worn dragon hide boots peeking out from the hem, brushed past Lisette and into his office and seated himself before Eddie. Lisette discretely closed the door, leaving them alone.
“Carmichael, I’m afraid I’m in need of your services,” Weasley said bluntly.
“Of course, Mr. Weasley. How can I help you?” Eddie asked respectfully.
“This Post Access Act,” he began, but Eddie interrupted.
“Is dead on arrival,” he assured him.
“I know, Carmichael. That’s the problem,” George said with a sigh. “I had significant investments tied into research on packaging designed to provide privacy when the law went into effect. The research is expensive, but providing fruit. But without the Post Access Act, I have no ready market. WWW has enough competition now that I need that first comer position. You’re the best in the business at navigating the Ministry. I need you to get the bill back on track.”
“Why are you talking to me? This is your sister-in-law’s bill. Shouldn’t you just talk to her about it?”
George laughed, a ghost of his youth. “Yeah, you’ve never dealt with Hermione when it comes to ethics, have you?”
“Not true. I remember her well as a swotty prefect back when we were at Hogwarts. She confiscated tons of contraband, especially during OWLs.”
“She’s worse now. No talking about bills in the family. Not even the appearance of anything resembling nepotism or improper behavior. If I tried to bring this up to her, she’d snatch my other ear off my head,” George said.
“As unpleasant as that sounds, you have to know that this isn’t going to be easy,” Eddie said quietly. “Her bill kicked off some massive infighting at the Ministry.”
“I’ll double your normal fee,” George said soberly.
“But that just means a talented peacemaker is needed,” Eddie added smoothly. “I’m sure I can help you in this matter.”
George smiled and stood up, then shook Eddie’s hand. “I knew I could count on you, Carmichael. Send me your owl when you’ve got the matter resolved.”
Before Eddie could offer any other remarks, he left the office. However, the mess was still here. Weasley Wizarding Wheezes would be a lucrative customer if he could cultivate this into a long-term relationship. And it wasn’t like Romilda was paying him for derailing the bill to begin with. Now, he just had to figure out how to undo what they had done.
Part Two