FIC: The Post Access Act (2/2) (Edward Carmichael, Romilda Vane, Zacharias Smith)
Title: The Post Access Act (2/2)
Author: deianaera
Characters: Eddie Carmichael, Romilda Vane, Zacharias Smith
Prompt number: 18
Word Count: ~11,000
Rating: PG
Warnings: None
Summary: Eddie, Romilda, and Zacharias formed the PaLS, the Pureblood Lobbyist Society, to function as a dedicated audience for their cleverness and a mutual support group for their work. When a squib named Freddy Black uses a potion to drug Muggle women and gets caught, the PaLS deal with the fallout and each other.
Disclaimer: If you recognize it, it's not mine.
Author’s Notes: I am deeply, deeply grateful to my RL friend M. for stepping in and providing Beta services. It's been a long (long!) time since I've done this. tamlane, thank you for the awesome prompt. Most of all, thank you all for reading - I hope you enjoy.
The Post Access Act
March 2019
Daily Prophet
Minister Mediates Inter-Departmental War
Can Kingsley Shacklebolt bring peace to the Ministry?
by Honoria Shacklebolt, senior correspondent
Our illustrious Minister of Magic has found himself in the role of mediator as the inter-departmental fighting sparked by the ill-conceived Post Access Act has spilled over into absolute gridlock. One senior Ministry source confided, “It’s impossible to get anything done right now. Even the memo planes are being sabotaged! Who ever heard of transfiguring a paper plane into an actual plane? Why, a recent invite to my boss was actually set on fire by another department’s memo!”
Ministry employees are now routinely employing shielding charms for both their memos and their persons to ensure that they traverse the Ministry successfully. This correspondent hopes that Kingsley Shacklebolt can bring peace to a Ministry on the brink of war.
The Ministry declined to comment for this article.
See page 23 for more information about the contents of this bill.
Eddie made it a point to arrive early for his monthly dinner with Romilda and Zacharias. His new client make it important that he feel out his comrades in arms. He knew Romilda wanted the bill dead; every day it was alive was another day the Black debacle was alive in the press. And her antipathy for the Weasleys was well known. Zacharias was an unknown, however. He may be persuadable as this bill would have little impact on his employer, Borgin and Burke. In fact, if he could get him to see the same angle as Weasley Wizarding Wheezes, he may even be able to get Zacharias to use his connections to help him get the bill passed.
His hopes sank a bit when Romilda and Zacharias arrived together, laughing and arm-in-arm. They sank further when Zacharias pulled out Romilda’s chair for her and sat beside her instead of in his customary seat on the far side of the table.
Taking a large sip of his wine, Eddie remarked casually, “You two seem rather cozy.”
Romilda giggled and it shredded his hope like shards of glass. “Oh, Zacharias were just reminiscing about Hogwarts and remembering some of the more amusing incidents from our time there. I, for one, had no idea Hermione Weasley once resembled a buck-toothed rodent!”
“Oh, yes,” Zacharias agreed. “Hair, teeth, and a hand waving in the air. You remember, Eddie? You ever have a class with her?”
Another gulp of wine allowed him to respond calmly. “No. I was a year ahead of her.”
Zacharias snorted. “Count your blessings. She was shrill, vain, annoying swot then. Pity that never changed.”
“Pity no one else sees it,” Romilda added.
Eddie shrugged. So much for help in this quarter. His hope were now mouldering in a grave. he was on his own and up against the Romilda, who was peerless at character assassination, and Zacharias, who knew where all the bodies were buried - and what their estates had left behind that the heirs didn’t want to discuss.
“So, what brought on this talk?” Eddie asked.
“Oh, Zacharias and I were talking about how to use the current infighting to kill the Post Access Act and naturally we discussed what we knew of its author. Nothing like gossip to keep someone distracted.”
“I still think the best way would be to stir up something in the press about the family,” Zacharias added stridently. “You know that whole clan likes to close ranks. If we do it right...”
“You’ll cripple the half of the Ministry that is running,” Eddie finished. “Do that, and someone is going to wonder how it happened when it settles out.”
“So? What could happen. If they were competent, they wouldn’t be working for the Ministry to begin with,” Zacharias replied.
That brought a reflexive chuckle from around the table.
“True, true,” Eddie replied. “But if the Minister himself is involved…”
“Then maybe it’s time for people to remember that he, too, puts on his trousers one leg at a time,” Romilda said with a wide smile.
~/~/~
For the next two weeks, Eddie was in and out of the Ministry trying to finesse his contacts into agreeing to the Post Access Act. He was no Kingsley Shacklebolt, but he figured it couldn’t hurt. Unfortunately, he was working at cross-purposes with Zacharias.
For him, his entire business was built on his connections with people. He knew them, he listened, and he understood what made them tick. And with that understanding, he could find a way to frame his goals to their advantage. Despite that, too many of the levers of power in the Ministry were pridefully pure-blooded. Sure, so was he, but it meant no more to him than his sandy brown hair - it just was. Zacharias was a Smith. That mattered to the proud. It gave Zacharias an advantage when it came to manipulating certain people in power. He got a first-hand lesson when he ran across Zacharias lunching with Henry Bagshot.
He walked in on the two them dining in the Ministry cafeteria, speaking conspiratorially. Henry was listening intently as Zacharias murmured, pitching his voice under the normal hum of a busy space. Cast a silencio and people try and listen in; talk normally and everyone ignores you. Eddie took a nearby seat and pulled out an Extendable Ear. Using a subtle leviosa, he navigated one end under the table occupied by Zacharias and Henry. Picking up a copy of the Prophet, Eddie pretended to read while waiting for a lunch date as he listened in.
“...it’s not that simple, Zacharias,” Henry whined.
“Of course it is, Henry. Just because you don’t want to do it doesn’t mean its hard to do,” Zacharias replied mildly.
“Look, the Minister himself is cracking down on this. He’s got Cuthbert in line already and there’s no way my boss is going to try and defy the Secretary.”
“You shouldn’t worry about Cuthbert. He’ll have other problems to deal with shortly,” Zacharias
said, buffing his nails on his robe.
“You keep saying that like it means something.”
“Oh, it does. Cuthbert is not a problem, I assure you. Now, you will do what I’ve requested, Henry?”
Henry’s face fell and he nodded. Despite his half-eaten meal - considerably less fine than the one he shared with Eddie a few months ago - Henry left without another word. Zacharias smiled smugly and tucked into his own lunch.
Eddie withdrew his Extendable Ear and exited the cafeteria. It didn’t take much to catch up with Henry.
“Ah, Henry! I haven’t seen you in a while,” he hailed, maneuvering between various ministry employees making their way to and from their own offices.
“Eddie, sorry, too busy to talk,” Henry said over his shoulder as he picked up speed.
Eddie sped up as well and fell into step with Henry. “Oh, you always have time for family, don’t you?”
“Afraid I don’t today,” Henry said, his breath starting to come in pants.
“But I wanted to follow up with you on the whole Post bill…” Eddie began. Henry came to a dead stop in the hall outside the elevator.
“Look, Zacharias already made it clear to me that it’s time for the Owl Post to come into own as its own separate department. And since my boss is on board, I’m going to make that happen. Then we’ll make sure that the post is properly managed. Now, I really don’t have time for this. If you want to see me, try a weekend. Good day, Eddie.” Henry boarded the elevator and closed the door in Eddie’s surprised face.
April 2019
Daily Prophet
Minister Resolves Inter-Departmental Dispute
Post Access Act tabled as part of settlement
by Honoria Shacklebolt, senior correspondent
The Ministry has resumed normal functioning after the Minister intervened in the inter-departmental dispute between the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, the Magical Transportation Department, and the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. The Minister was forced to table the Post Access Act to restore peace after the Owl Postmaster General, Matthias Rowle, and the head of the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, Eugene Cuthbert, attempted to turn the Owl Post into its own department within the Ministry in order to “ensure we have the proper staffing and budget to meet the needs of this far-reaching bill”.
Under-secretary for the Owl Postmaster General, Henry Bagshot, explained to this correspondent, “There’s no way that the Owl Post, in its current form, could meet the needs outlined in Hermione Weasley’s bill. The best way to ensure that this bill could be enacted is to make the Owl Post an independent department with all the attendant authority and standing in the Ministry. Unfortunately, this would also have necessitated a rise in postage rates and tighter regulation on the selling, breeding, and usage of owls in Britain. The Minister felt that this would place an undue burden on the public and chose to table the bill. The Owl Post will remain under the oversight of the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures.”
After this contentious bill was tabled - a common term for a bill that has been killed - the Ministry returned to normal cooperation and operations.
The Minister’s office declined to comment for this article.
See page 47 for a detailed timeline of the departmental dispute, page 53 for information about the contents of the defunct bill.
Eddie nearly skipped the monthly dinner with Zacharias and Romilda after reading the article in the Prophet. Instead, he took his time arriving, flying around on his broom in a Muggle-free area until he had to go. The flight left his cheeks red and his hair oh-so casually tousled; he looked like someone who hadn’t a care in the world.
He checked his broom with the hostess and sauntered back to their standard table. Zacharias and Romilda were sitting on opposite sides of the table, glaring at each other.
“Hey, I thought we’d be celebrating,” Eddie said as he approached. Taking his normal seat between the two, he signaled the waiter for a glass of wine.
“We would be, but someone got too clever,” Romilda spat, glaring over Eddie’s shoulder at Zacharias.
Zacharias smirked. “You’re just upset because no one fell for your so-called charms.” Looking at Eddie, he added, “She tried to bed Weasley’s secretary, Dennis Creevy. I can’t remember the last time anyone ran that fast.”
“Little Muggle,” Romilda said. “He probably wouldn’t know what to do with a real witch if she hexed him.”
Zacharias started to laugh. “Or he knows you’re a viper on two legs. Wasn’t he in your house back in school?”
“Yes. And he was an annoying little Muggle then, too,” Romilda muttered.
Eddie joined Zacharias in his laughter. He couldn’t help it. Romilda always assumed she could use sex to get what she wanted from men. Unfortunately, she was usually right. It was refreshing to see her rejected.
Romilda looked over at the two of them laughing at her expense and pushed herself away from the table with a screech. “I’m going to go freshen up,” she growled before she stalked off.
Eddie and Zacharias let their laughter fade off. More sober, Eddie asked Zacharias, “So, if she couldn’t seduce the bill out of existence, how did you manage to kill it?”
Zacharias puffed up his chest and buffed his nails on his robes. Eddie resisted the urge to grit his teeth as he listened to his pompous, condescending explanation. “It’s all a matter of who you know...and knowing where the bodies are buried. Eugene Cuthbert made some...well-timed sales right around the time of the Ministry purges after the war. I merely reminded him that those sales transactions are not confidential should the Aurory request specific records. After that, he was quite cooperative. In fact, he gave me everything I needed to persuade his underlings to push for the Owl Post office to split off into its own department. Everyone knows that Minister Shacklebolt has been pushing to streamline and shrink the Ministry’s bureaucracy and simple logic said he’d never agree to anything that would expand the Ministry. Thus, the bill is dead and not a one of our hands was anywhere near the knife.
“I wonder how long Romilda will let me hold onto this favor,” he added as she returned to the table.
“No longer than I absolutely have to,” Romilda snapped. “Now, can we please get dinner?”
Zacharias summoned their waiter and they order their meals. Talk turned to the normal gossip and Eddie wondered how he could get the bill back on track.
~/~/~
The following Monday, George Weasley was waiting outside his office.
“George, welcome, have a seat” Eddie said, as he removed his cloak and escorted his client inside.
George didn’t sit. Instead he began to pace. The moment Eddie closed the door behind his, he began to speak.
“I thought you were supposed to be good at this, Carmichael,” George began. “I wouldn’t have dreamed of hiring a blood-conscious weasel like you if I didn’t think you could get results. I’ve got a thousand Obscuro boxes in my warehouse and no customers for them. What am I going to do with them now? No one cares about security in their parcels unless they actually think someone’s going to see.” His hands were waving and pointing, emphasizing his words.
Eddie let the insult pass. He leaned back in his chair and replied mildly, “I’ll take it you heard the bill is off?”
“Hermione couldn’t talk about anything else at dinner last night. I think she may actually attempt to dismantle her old department brick by brick, she’s so furious. Even the fact that Kingsley said he’d let her bring the bill back up in a few months didn’t keep her calm.”
George collapsed into a chair like a puppet whose strings had been cut. “Carmichael, I need that bill back yesterday.”
Eddie had sat up sharply at the mention of the bill being placed on hold. “Did you say that Kingsley didn’t kill her bill? He just put it on hold?”
“Isn’t that what I just said?” George asked.
Eddie smiled. “George, I may be able to help you after all. Let me reach out to some of my contacts. Now that everyone thinks the bill is dead, we may be able to slip it though. It’s just a matter of finding the right people to help.”
George sighed. “I hope you’re right.”
Eddie shrugged. “I told you before that I wouldn’t make you any promises. Look, there’s still a lot of parties who have no desire to see this bill move forward. But everyone thinks it’s dead. We may be able to get it passed if they’re not looking while we do it.”
“What do you mean there’s a lot of parties who don’t want this bill?”
“Just that. And, frankly, your sister-in-law has made a habit of stepping all over people’s toes in her time at the Ministry.”
“Hermione’s got the best intentions in the world,” George said quietly.
“But she doesn’t have a lot of feel for Ministry politics.” Eddie paused, then added, “George, can you do me a favor and keep her from talking about the bill to anyone for a month or so? It would make things significantly easier if I can disassociate her from it.”
George nodded. “I can do that.”
“Good. Then let me see what I can do,” Eddie said confidently.
He got up to escort George out of the office when another idea came to him. “You’re brother is still an Auror, right?”
“Ron, yeah,” George answered. “So?”
“Have him request records from Borgin and Burkes sales in 1999 concerning Ministry employees who successfully transitioned from Scrimgeour to Thickness and then to Shacklebolt’s tenures.” Eddie said. “That should keep things interesting enough to give me room to manoeuvre.”
George’s eyes narrowed. “Really? What specifically is he looking for, Carmichael?”
“No idea,” Eddie replied breezily. “But I have an idea that he’ll find some interesting information in the records.”
George shrugged. “I’ll tell him. It can’t hurt, I suppose.”
“Good man,” Eddie said and he opened the door for his client. The minute George was gone, Eddie began to look through his files for the perfect proxy for the Post Access Act.
May 2019
Daily Prophet
Ministry Department Head Arrested
Eugene Cuthbert exposed as Death Eater sympathizer
by Miles Farrow
The Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures is in upheaval as its head, Eugene Cuthbert, was arrested yesterday on charges that he was an active collaborator with Death Eaters during the last war with You-Know-Who and his supporters. Cuthbert, 87, had worked for the Ministry since 1957. He started in the Werewolf Registry and worked his way up in the department until he became its head in 1991, during Cornelius Fudge’s tenure as Minister. The year You-Know-Who took over the Ministry and placed Pius Thicknesse as Minister, Cuthbert was allowed to remain the head of the department; he was the only head to remain in position during Thicknesse’s tenure.
When Kingsley Shacklebolt was elected by the Wizengamot to serve as Minister, he began a detailed investigation of Ministry employees who stayed. His public policy was to root out those who actively cooperated and supported You-Know-Who’s aims. Cuthbert remained in his post, leaving all those who observed the housecleaning at the Ministry to conclude that Cuthbert was not a collaborator.
However, an anonymous tip received by the Aurory last month prompted a new investigation into Cuthbert’s ties with the pureblood supremacy movement. Lamia Caraway, spokeswitch for the MLE, said, “The Aurors received an anonymous tip that Cuthbert was a Death Eater sympathizer. The MLE takes this charge seriously and we began a quiet investigation., We turned up numerous dark artifacts that had been in Cuthbert’s possession until shortly before Minister Shacklebolt began investigation ministry employees in 1999. In addition, we found clear evidence that Cuthbert had been an active supporter of [You-Know-Who] and his aims during his takeover of the Ministry. He has been taken into custody and will be formally charged later today.”
Madeline Harding, Cuthbert’s senior secretary had been appointed head of the department pro-tem, pending the Wizengamot’s next session.
Continued on page 4.
Zacharias was furious when he arrived for dinner. He tossed his copy of the Prophet on the table. The hard folded edge of the paper hit the stem of Romilda’s wine glass, sending its contents straight into the witch’s face and down her designer blouse.
“Merlin’s pants, what is your problem, Zacharias?” Romilda sputtered. The wine was causing her hair to curl and frizz around her face and her makeup was beginning to run in rivulets down her face. She looked like she was melting and Eddie stifled a laugh. With a furious glare, she drew her wand and began to clean up the mess the wine had made of her appearance.
“One of you two utter bastards sold out one of my customers to the Aurors,” Zacharias spit. His hands were balled into fists and his wand was emitting sparks from its sheath up his sleeve. Eddie’s urge to laugh died. He picked up the paper Zacharias had tossed and read the article on Cuthbert’s arrest.
Completely sober now, Eddie passed the article to Romilda, who had restored her appearance back to perfection. Romilda read it, muttering the words under her breath. When she finished, she tossed the paper back into Zacharias’ chest.
“How can you possibly think we had anything to do with it?” Romilda snapped. “Everyone known Borgin and Burkes deals in dark artifacts. The Aurors must get anonymous tips all the time.”
Zacharias sneered. “Really, Romilda? That’s the best excuse you have? Next time you set up one of my customers - one that helped kill that blasted bill, by the way - please try and do better than pointing the Aurors directly at records from twenty years ago!”
Zacharias stormed off, leaving the two of them still at the table. Eddie looked at Romilda. “What was that all about?” he whispered.
Romilda replied, “I don’t know, Eddie. I really don’t. Why would he think it was us? We don't do that to each other. That’s the whole deal behind our dinners - we share information, we help each other out when we can, and we don’t screw each other over.”
Romilda stood and tossed her napkin on the table. “I’m going to go see if I can talk Zacharias into seeing sense. See you next month, Eddie.”
Eddie sat alone at the table, sipping his wine, a sour feeling in his stomach.
~/~/~
Eddie spent the following week mulling over what happened at dinner. The self-styled PaLS - the Pureblood Lobbyists Society - really was intended to do what Romilda said. They met every month to share information, to give each other a hand when they could, and they were never, ever supposed to screw each other over. Everyone they dealt with knew they were talking to lobbyists, people who made their living influencing the Ministry’s bureaucracy. And every time they talked with someone, each of them was constantly looking for ways to use that person, now or in the future. Their monthly dinners were the only honest conversations they had. Taking opposite stances on a issue was one thing. Using information given honestly to advance his own aim...Eddie reluctantly realized that he had treated Zacharias like he treated everyone else - he was a mark to be used. He hoped that his duplicity never came to light. Meanwhile the best thing he could do was get the Post Access Act signed by Minister Shacklebolt as soon as possible.
He began by bumping into Dennis Creevy in the main ministry cafeteria and upending his lunch - a bowl of tomato soup - on him.
“Oh, I’m so sorry,” Eddie gushed, whipping out his wand to siphon up the red-orange liquid. Dennis blushed as drew his own wand to help.
“No worries,” Dennis replied. “Accidents happen.”
As he finished cleaning up the soup, Eddie offered, “Let me buy you lunch. The least I can do after spilling yours all over you.”
Dennis grinned, showing off a gap in his teeth. “Thanks, I’ll take you up on that. By the way, my name is Dennis. Dennis Creevy. I work for Hermione Weasley in the MLE.”
Eddie shook the offered hand. “Eddie Carmichael. I run a consulting firm that does a lot of business with the ministry.”
A frown crossed Dennis’ face for a moment before he smiled. “Pleasure to meet you, Eddie.”
They talked about their respective times at Hogwarts as they traversed the cafeteria line. Meals in hand, they found an open table in the crowded public cafeteria and sat down. The moment they did, Dennis drew his wand and cast a spell that seemed to surround them with a soft buzzing noise.
“So, Eddie, tell me why took the time and effort to engineer this conversation,” Dennis said casually.
Eddie blinked. “What?”
Dennis sighed. “No one can overhear us. Muffliato makes it impossible for anyone to listen in. Look, Hermione doesn’t hire dumb. Tell me what you want.”
Eddie revised his opinion of Dennis Creevy upward several notches and revised his pitch. You couldn’t talk to overt Gryffindors like Dennis like you could normal people. “Dennis, you’re right. I did run into for a reason. I’ve been hired by a company to get the Post Access Act passed. After everything that’s been said about the bill, I need your help to get my hands on a copy of the actual language of the bill. If I can see exactly what it says - not what everyone thinks it says - I think I can help your boss and my client get what they want.”
Dennis’ eyes narrowed. “How can I trust you?”
Eddie sighed and played what he hoped was his trump card. “Because I’m the one who tipped off the Aurors to look at Cuthbert after he managed to get the bill killed.”
“Really? You must know I can verify that, right?”
“I know you can. And believe me, I wouldn’t have told you that if I was lying. Or unless I thought I had to. But I need your help. Can you get me a copy of the bill?”
“I’ll need to check a couple of things out. I’ll owl you in a couple of days and let you know. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to eat my lunch,” Dennis said and the buzzing sound surrounding them disappeared. Eddie nodded and left Dennis alone at his table, his own lunch left behind, uneaten.
Three days later, a Ministry owl delivered a draft copy of the bill to his office. Eddie sat down and went over the language in the bill with a quill in hand. When he finished, he whistled. Weasley was a piece of work. She had embedded so many subsections and clauses to cover every contingency that there was no way that anyone who objected could have read the bill. With a few small changes, he was confident he could get everyone who stonewalled the bill before - Floo Control, Owl Post, and the MLE - to agree to support it.
With a whistle, he summoned his owl, Karenina. The beautiful creature hooted as he scribbled a note. “Take this straight to Honoria Shacklebolt, but only deliver it when she is alone. Wait for a reply.” Karenina hooted and took off. Eddie kicked back in his chair, confident for the first time in months he could pull this off.
June 2019
Daily Prophet
Post Access Act Returns
Bill to be renamed the Muggle Crime Prevention Act
by Honoria Shacklebolt, senior correspondent
The Post Access Act, the bill that was the source of much contention in the Ministry this spring, has come back as the Muggle Crime Prevention Act. The author of the bill, Hermione Weasley, sat down with this correspondent for an exclusive interview on the bill.
In our interview, Ms. Weasley explained, “Freddy Black is not the only squib or wizard to use magic or magical items to take advantage of Muggles. Indeed, he isn’t even the worst, if you consider [He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named] and his followers. All the Muggle Crime Prevention Act will do is bind owls to only deliver to pre-defined Muggle locations and enable Aurors, in possession of proper warrants, to search suspicious packages.
“We don’t expect this bill to put an end to wizards abusing Muggles for their own amusement. We do expect it to make it harder for them to do so. When we use magic or magical artifacts to take advantage of Muggles, we breach the secrecy of our world. If we want to remain safe from Muggles, we must in turn keep them safe from us.”
The renamed Muggle Crime Prevention Act is expected to go before the Minister next month.
See page 19 for the complete interview, page 33 for a detailed breakdown of how the bill will impact owl post.
Eddie expected the next PaLS dinner to be acrimonious. He wasn’t prepared for Romilda to plant a kiss on his cheek as a greeting when he arrived and Zacharias to hand him a gillywater. Taking his normal seat between the two, he sipped the gillywater and looked at his companions.
“I’ll take it you’ve calmed down, Zacharias,” Eddie asked with another sip of his drink.
“In a manner of speaking. Romilda and I did some talking with several friends of ours.” Zacharias smiled. “I think you have some explaining to do.”
Eddie bit his tongue hard enough to draw blood and shoved the gillywater, half-gone, away from him.
“Veritaserum?” he asked with a horrified look at Romilda.
“Of course. My own brew,” she said, with a shark grin of her own. “Plus a mild variant of the Babbling Beverage to ensure you hold nothing back.”
Zacharias tapped Eddie on the shoulder. “Now that we have your attention, I’d like to discuss the problem I brought up last month. The one where someone at this table used confidential information regarding one of my customers to have him arrested as a pureblood supremacist. Now, you wouldn’t know anything about that, would you, Eddie?”
Eddie struggled to not speak, to thwart the potions in his system. He squirmed in his seat and tried to get up. Romilda scooted closer to hold him in place. Finally, he couldn’t resist the urge any longer and he began to talk. He told them every detail of it, including how George Weasley had hired him to get the bill passed and how he’d already made damn sure that all of the levers they had used to derail the bill last time were neutralized this time. How he’d seduced Honoria to ensure she’d report favorably on the bill and had Dennis Creevy convince Hermione Weasley to give an interview to the Prophet. And how deeply sorry he was that he’d fucked them over in the process.
Eddie was breathless when he finished. Romilda and Zacharias were looking at each other over his shoulders. Romilda leaned over and whispered in his ear, “Payback is a bitch, Eddie.”
With that, Zacharias and Romilda left. Eddie watched them leave before tossing a few galleons on the table and bolting.
~/~/~
The fallout began the three days later when Honoria barged into his office and began to shriek hexes at him. Eddie frantically cast a shielding spell and hunkered down behind it as the crazed witch turned his office into a storm of paper and splinters. She screamed epithets at him and from the disjointed ranting, Eddie gathered she’d been suspended from the Prophet for unethical behavior after someone reported that she had traded sex for a story.
He didn’t know the Prophet had standards to begin with.
His secretary, Lisette, came to his rescue twenty minutes later, after Honoria was beginning to tire. His secretary, who he had never noticed for any magical talent other than the ability to brew a fantastic cup of coffee, disarmed, bound, and gagged Honoria Shacklebolt before the witch knew they’d been interrupted.
She contacted the Ministry to have someone collect the reporter and began to wave her wand about to set the office to rights. She even managed to salvage his files from a shredded mess. Finally, with Honoria removed to St. Mungo’s for observation and his office returned to normal, she put her hands on her hips and looked at him like he was an errant schoolboy. “What was that all about, Mr. Carmichael?”
“That, Lisette, was payback being a bitch.”
Eddie didn’t wait for the next blow. Instead, he went straight to the Ministry and cornered Dennis Creevy in his office. An owl bearing a howler followed him in.
“Dennis,” Eddie began, only to have Creevy hold up his hand. Eddie fell silent and waited for him to disarm the Howler. The envelope was opened and he heard the shrill harpy version of a female voice.
“Hermione! How could you betray our family so? We took you in, gave you home, accepted you as one of our own! I even let you wear my great-aunt Mildred’s tiara on your wedding day. How could you betray Ron? Was he worth it? You should have trusted your brains instead of trying to sleep your way to the top of your department! I’m ashamed to have ever called you my daughter! I never want to see your face again!”
The voice ended on a choking sob before the envelope burst into flames. Dennis neatly deposited the remains in a steel wastebasket. Taking a seat behind his desk, he said mildly, “I’m afraid Ms. Weasley’s not available today. She’s out of the office due to a family emergency. How can I help you, Mr. Carmichael?”
Eddie signed and took a seat before Dennis. “You can tell me this is all worth it, Dennis. Is the bill still on?”
Dennis closed his eyes and nodded. “Mr. Hightower on the Wizengamot is threatening a recall of Minister Shacklebolt if he signs the bill. He’s got a third of them locked up ready to vote with him if he does. But the Minister intends to sign the bill.”
Eddie nodded. Looking at the ashes in the wastebasket, he sighed and said, “I’m sorry about all this. I’m afraid it may get worse before it gets better.”
Dennis just shook his head and said, “Go. I’ve got too much to do right now.”
Eddie slunk out of the office, trying to figure out how he could defuse a Wizengamot recall. Deciding it couldn’t be helped, he went down to the secretarial pool to find Felicia Chang. She was in her office, but not alone; Romilda was in there with her. His heart sank. He needed a source in the Wizengamot who could tell him what Hightower was thinking. Taking a deep breath, he went to track down an old housemate of his, Lisa Turpin.
Last he recalled, Lisa was working as a private secretary for Andorra Leicester, a junior member of the Wizengamot. Leicester frequently served as an interrogator on Wizengamot panels and Lisa’s secretarial duties included a good deal of investigative work to prepare her boss for upcoming trials. He could only hope she was in and willing to talk to him.
He took his time going down to the lower levels of the Ministry where the Wizengamot was housed. He was not looking forward to this conversation at all.
He wasn’t sure if he was lucky or not when he found Lisa in her office. She was on her knees in front of the the fireplace, immersed in green fire up to her shoulders. Eddie took a moment to admire the view. She still had great legs.
“Thank you, Mr. Burke. We appreciate your cooperation,” Lisa said. She pulled herself out of the fire and stood up, dusting herself off.
“Hello, gorgeous,” Eddie said, still leaning against the doorframe in her office.
“Eddie Carmichael. Have I told you to go fuck yourself today?” Lisa said brightly.
“Not yet.” Eddie smiled and moved to take a seat in front of Lisa’s desk.
“Oh, don’t bother to sit down. I’m just going to tell you to fuck off and get the fuck out of my office.”
Eddie sat down deliberately. “I’ve always admired your command of the language. It’s almost as impressive as your legs.”
Lisa glared at him across her desk, piled high with neatly sorted piles of paper. The walls were lined with volumes covering history, culture, law, genealogy, and even international relations. Some were even clearly Muggle in origin. Eddie whistled. He almost wished he could stay and raid her office library.
“Where was I? Oh, yes. Fuck you, fuck off, and get the fuck out.”
“You haven’t even heard me out yet, Lisa.”
“I don’t particularly want to,” Lisa shot back.
“You can’t still be mad…” Eddie trailed off.
“Yes, I can, Eddie. You discredited my work on anti-miscegenation laws before the Wizengamot. You tricked me into laying out my whole argument for you - with sources - and then you undercut me. Publicly. You made me look stupid,” Lisa hissed. “You set my career back at least five years with that little stunt.
“So, yes, I might still be mad. So, where was I? Oh, yes. Get. Out. Or I’m calling in security.”
Eddie got up. He hadn’t realized she would be quite so angry still. That had been nearly two years ago. He started to walk out and then stopped. He turned around and leaned over the desk and said in a near-whisper, “What if I can help you get back some of those five years?”
Lisa glared. “Who are you going to fuck over in the process?”
“For starters, Hightower.”
“Clarence? That obsolescent hack? Why?”
“He’s put together a faction of the Wizengamot to force a recall of the Minister if he signs the Muggle Crime Prevention Act. I need to figure out who got to him and how.”
Lisa crossed her arms and looked at him thoughtfully. “The rumor mill says he has a new mistress, a young one. If it’s true, that’s your most likely point of leverage. He’s at least a hundred and spits when he talks. The only reason a young witch would spend time with him is because she was being well compensated.”
Eddie grinned. “Oh, I think that’s a given. Now, I’ve heard that Leicester is a hell-raiser when it comes to ethics.”
“Oh, she is. That’s what got me into so much trouble with you.”
“Good. What if I can show that Hightower is being unduly influenced by his new mistress?”
Lisa grinned. “She’d hang him with it if he tried to force a recall.”
“Then, my lady, I shall deliver this proof to you.”
“Eddie, if you can do that, I may even forgive you for being an utter bastard one day.”
Eddie laughed and walked out of Lisa’s office. He whistled as he went to track down an old friend of his who was good at keeping track of people. Jamie should be able to follow old Hightower around and find out who his new mistress was. Eddie suspected that it would be Romilda or someone she hired for the role. Zacharias worked with people when he already had leverage; Romilda would manufacture it. He had to admit, she was impressive when she wanted to be. In three days she’d damn near turned everything he’d done last month upside down and she’d cost him his friendliest connection at the Prophet to boot.
That was one scary witch.
July 2019
Witch Weekly
Inside the Home of Hermione and Ron Weasley
How these two war heroes make it work
by Melinda Markham
Hermione and Ron Weasley are, of course, the two best friends of Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived Twice, and are best known for their role in defeating He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Today, they live in a lovely cottage just outside of Ottery St. Catchpole. Their home, for security reasons, is Unplottable. Hermione is a high-ranking official in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement and Ron is a senior Auror. Their children, Rose, 13, and Hugo, 11, are off at Hogwarts.
Still, despite the demands of parenthood and busy careers, the couple have a lovely, charming, and welcoming home. Ron says, “Of course we’re not here all the time, but when we are, this is home.” Hermione, sitting by his side, their hands intertwined, added, “This is our space. We don’t bring our work home with us. When we’re here, it’s about family.”
“And now that the kids are off at Hogwarts?”
Hermione and Ron don’t speak, but she blushes becomingly and Ron gets a wide grin on his face.
Continued on page 87.
Eddie had owled Romilda to meet him thirty minutes before dinner. She showed up in her trademark red, with robes of garnet over a simple grey business suit. She was dressed for battle. He was waiting for her.
After she sat down and ordered her wine, he handed her a plain envelope made fat with documents. “I didn’t think you wanted Zacharias to see these,” he said.
Romilda tore open the envelope and spilled the pictures out on the table. Eddie added mildly, “I didn’t think you’d want a passersby to see them either. But you do have a remarkable exhibitionist streak.”
Romilda flipped through the photos, her face blank. The photos left no question that she was responsible for hiring the witch playing the role of Hightower’s new mistress. The pictures also made clear that she was a hands-on and enthusiastic supporter of the relationship.
“Nice to see how well ‘Passionate Embrace’ really works,” she replied, carefully putting the photos back in the envelope and tucking them away in her robe. “Now what do you want Eddie?”
“A truce. You stop from trying to trash my connections in the Ministry and I’ll make sure those photos never see the light of day.”
Romilda sighed. “Deal. Besides, I think you learned your lesson.”
“Yeah, I did. Next time, I’ll just admit to a client conflict. But I do have a surprise for you.”
“Oh, really? A carrot now that I’ve had the stick?”
Eddie winced. “I suppose. I prefer to think of it as a balm to soothe the wound. Here.” He passed over another envelope, much slimmer than the last. Romilda opened it and pulled out an exclusive contract for the Potioneer Society to purchase packaging materials from Weasley’s Wizarding Wheezes at a preferential discount.
“George Weasley has perfected something he’s marketing as Obscuro packaging. It can prevent any package from being opened by anyone other than its intended recipient. If the package is opened, it can either destroy the packaging, alerting the recipient that the package was opened, or destroy the contents.”
Romilda tucked the contract into her robes. “I think that’s an acceptable peace offering.”
“Good. I have one for Zacharias when he gets here.”
“He’ll sign it tonight. He knows as well as I do that the Muggle Protection bill is going to be signed any day now. Borgin and Burkes has been scrambling to find a way to package their products since he realized we couldn’t prevent the bill from moving forward.”
Eddie smiled and raised his glass in a toast. “To wizarding nature. May it always be mutable.”
Romilda met his toast with a smile.
~/~/~
Eddie sent an owl to George Weasley a week later with copy of the signed contracts with the Potioneer Society and Borgin and Burkes, along with his bill. George Weasley arrived in his office twenty minutes later.
“I expected to see you, Mr. Weasley.”
“1500 Galleons?” he sputtered.
“You did say you’d double my fee if I could get the bill signed. It was, yesterday. And, of course, expenses. I’m afraid private investigators don’t come cheap. But they do excellent work. It’s all itemized on my bill.”
“1500 Galleons?”
“Mr. Weasley, I am a specialist. You wanted - and got - my contacts and expertise on the Ministry and how to maneuver a bill through its Byzantine depths to the Minister’s desk. I delivered. I even secured contracts with two interested parties for your new product line. What, precisely, makes you think you didn’t get your knut’s worth?”
George grinned and pulled a large money bag from his robes and tossed it on Eddie’s desk. It landed with a satisfying thud. “I suppose you did. Good work, Carmichael. If I need some more Ministry work, I’ll send you an owl.”
Eddie smiled back. “I look forward to your business.”
Author: deianaera
Characters: Eddie Carmichael, Romilda Vane, Zacharias Smith
Prompt number: 18
Word Count: ~11,000
Rating: PG
Warnings: None
Summary: Eddie, Romilda, and Zacharias formed the PaLS, the Pureblood Lobbyist Society, to function as a dedicated audience for their cleverness and a mutual support group for their work. When a squib named Freddy Black uses a potion to drug Muggle women and gets caught, the PaLS deal with the fallout and each other.
Disclaimer: If you recognize it, it's not mine.
Author’s Notes: I am deeply, deeply grateful to my RL friend M. for stepping in and providing Beta services. It's been a long (long!) time since I've done this. tamlane, thank you for the awesome prompt. Most of all, thank you all for reading - I hope you enjoy.
The Post Access Act
March 2019
Daily Prophet
Minister Mediates Inter-Departmental War
Can Kingsley Shacklebolt bring peace to the Ministry?
by Honoria Shacklebolt, senior correspondent
Our illustrious Minister of Magic has found himself in the role of mediator as the inter-departmental fighting sparked by the ill-conceived Post Access Act has spilled over into absolute gridlock. One senior Ministry source confided, “It’s impossible to get anything done right now. Even the memo planes are being sabotaged! Who ever heard of transfiguring a paper plane into an actual plane? Why, a recent invite to my boss was actually set on fire by another department’s memo!”
Ministry employees are now routinely employing shielding charms for both their memos and their persons to ensure that they traverse the Ministry successfully. This correspondent hopes that Kingsley Shacklebolt can bring peace to a Ministry on the brink of war.
The Ministry declined to comment for this article.
See page 23 for more information about the contents of this bill.
Eddie made it a point to arrive early for his monthly dinner with Romilda and Zacharias. His new client make it important that he feel out his comrades in arms. He knew Romilda wanted the bill dead; every day it was alive was another day the Black debacle was alive in the press. And her antipathy for the Weasleys was well known. Zacharias was an unknown, however. He may be persuadable as this bill would have little impact on his employer, Borgin and Burke. In fact, if he could get him to see the same angle as Weasley Wizarding Wheezes, he may even be able to get Zacharias to use his connections to help him get the bill passed.
His hopes sank a bit when Romilda and Zacharias arrived together, laughing and arm-in-arm. They sank further when Zacharias pulled out Romilda’s chair for her and sat beside her instead of in his customary seat on the far side of the table.
Taking a large sip of his wine, Eddie remarked casually, “You two seem rather cozy.”
Romilda giggled and it shredded his hope like shards of glass. “Oh, Zacharias were just reminiscing about Hogwarts and remembering some of the more amusing incidents from our time there. I, for one, had no idea Hermione Weasley once resembled a buck-toothed rodent!”
“Oh, yes,” Zacharias agreed. “Hair, teeth, and a hand waving in the air. You remember, Eddie? You ever have a class with her?”
Another gulp of wine allowed him to respond calmly. “No. I was a year ahead of her.”
Zacharias snorted. “Count your blessings. She was shrill, vain, annoying swot then. Pity that never changed.”
“Pity no one else sees it,” Romilda added.
Eddie shrugged. So much for help in this quarter. His hope were now mouldering in a grave. he was on his own and up against the Romilda, who was peerless at character assassination, and Zacharias, who knew where all the bodies were buried - and what their estates had left behind that the heirs didn’t want to discuss.
“So, what brought on this talk?” Eddie asked.
“Oh, Zacharias and I were talking about how to use the current infighting to kill the Post Access Act and naturally we discussed what we knew of its author. Nothing like gossip to keep someone distracted.”
“I still think the best way would be to stir up something in the press about the family,” Zacharias added stridently. “You know that whole clan likes to close ranks. If we do it right...”
“You’ll cripple the half of the Ministry that is running,” Eddie finished. “Do that, and someone is going to wonder how it happened when it settles out.”
“So? What could happen. If they were competent, they wouldn’t be working for the Ministry to begin with,” Zacharias replied.
That brought a reflexive chuckle from around the table.
“True, true,” Eddie replied. “But if the Minister himself is involved…”
“Then maybe it’s time for people to remember that he, too, puts on his trousers one leg at a time,” Romilda said with a wide smile.
~/~/~
For the next two weeks, Eddie was in and out of the Ministry trying to finesse his contacts into agreeing to the Post Access Act. He was no Kingsley Shacklebolt, but he figured it couldn’t hurt. Unfortunately, he was working at cross-purposes with Zacharias.
For him, his entire business was built on his connections with people. He knew them, he listened, and he understood what made them tick. And with that understanding, he could find a way to frame his goals to their advantage. Despite that, too many of the levers of power in the Ministry were pridefully pure-blooded. Sure, so was he, but it meant no more to him than his sandy brown hair - it just was. Zacharias was a Smith. That mattered to the proud. It gave Zacharias an advantage when it came to manipulating certain people in power. He got a first-hand lesson when he ran across Zacharias lunching with Henry Bagshot.
He walked in on the two them dining in the Ministry cafeteria, speaking conspiratorially. Henry was listening intently as Zacharias murmured, pitching his voice under the normal hum of a busy space. Cast a silencio and people try and listen in; talk normally and everyone ignores you. Eddie took a nearby seat and pulled out an Extendable Ear. Using a subtle leviosa, he navigated one end under the table occupied by Zacharias and Henry. Picking up a copy of the Prophet, Eddie pretended to read while waiting for a lunch date as he listened in.
“...it’s not that simple, Zacharias,” Henry whined.
“Of course it is, Henry. Just because you don’t want to do it doesn’t mean its hard to do,” Zacharias replied mildly.
“Look, the Minister himself is cracking down on this. He’s got Cuthbert in line already and there’s no way my boss is going to try and defy the Secretary.”
“You shouldn’t worry about Cuthbert. He’ll have other problems to deal with shortly,” Zacharias
said, buffing his nails on his robe.
“You keep saying that like it means something.”
“Oh, it does. Cuthbert is not a problem, I assure you. Now, you will do what I’ve requested, Henry?”
Henry’s face fell and he nodded. Despite his half-eaten meal - considerably less fine than the one he shared with Eddie a few months ago - Henry left without another word. Zacharias smiled smugly and tucked into his own lunch.
Eddie withdrew his Extendable Ear and exited the cafeteria. It didn’t take much to catch up with Henry.
“Ah, Henry! I haven’t seen you in a while,” he hailed, maneuvering between various ministry employees making their way to and from their own offices.
“Eddie, sorry, too busy to talk,” Henry said over his shoulder as he picked up speed.
Eddie sped up as well and fell into step with Henry. “Oh, you always have time for family, don’t you?”
“Afraid I don’t today,” Henry said, his breath starting to come in pants.
“But I wanted to follow up with you on the whole Post bill…” Eddie began. Henry came to a dead stop in the hall outside the elevator.
“Look, Zacharias already made it clear to me that it’s time for the Owl Post to come into own as its own separate department. And since my boss is on board, I’m going to make that happen. Then we’ll make sure that the post is properly managed. Now, I really don’t have time for this. If you want to see me, try a weekend. Good day, Eddie.” Henry boarded the elevator and closed the door in Eddie’s surprised face.
April 2019
Daily Prophet
Minister Resolves Inter-Departmental Dispute
Post Access Act tabled as part of settlement
by Honoria Shacklebolt, senior correspondent
The Ministry has resumed normal functioning after the Minister intervened in the inter-departmental dispute between the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, the Magical Transportation Department, and the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. The Minister was forced to table the Post Access Act to restore peace after the Owl Postmaster General, Matthias Rowle, and the head of the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, Eugene Cuthbert, attempted to turn the Owl Post into its own department within the Ministry in order to “ensure we have the proper staffing and budget to meet the needs of this far-reaching bill”.
Under-secretary for the Owl Postmaster General, Henry Bagshot, explained to this correspondent, “There’s no way that the Owl Post, in its current form, could meet the needs outlined in Hermione Weasley’s bill. The best way to ensure that this bill could be enacted is to make the Owl Post an independent department with all the attendant authority and standing in the Ministry. Unfortunately, this would also have necessitated a rise in postage rates and tighter regulation on the selling, breeding, and usage of owls in Britain. The Minister felt that this would place an undue burden on the public and chose to table the bill. The Owl Post will remain under the oversight of the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures.”
After this contentious bill was tabled - a common term for a bill that has been killed - the Ministry returned to normal cooperation and operations.
The Minister’s office declined to comment for this article.
See page 47 for a detailed timeline of the departmental dispute, page 53 for information about the contents of the defunct bill.
Eddie nearly skipped the monthly dinner with Zacharias and Romilda after reading the article in the Prophet. Instead, he took his time arriving, flying around on his broom in a Muggle-free area until he had to go. The flight left his cheeks red and his hair oh-so casually tousled; he looked like someone who hadn’t a care in the world.
He checked his broom with the hostess and sauntered back to their standard table. Zacharias and Romilda were sitting on opposite sides of the table, glaring at each other.
“Hey, I thought we’d be celebrating,” Eddie said as he approached. Taking his normal seat between the two, he signaled the waiter for a glass of wine.
“We would be, but someone got too clever,” Romilda spat, glaring over Eddie’s shoulder at Zacharias.
Zacharias smirked. “You’re just upset because no one fell for your so-called charms.” Looking at Eddie, he added, “She tried to bed Weasley’s secretary, Dennis Creevy. I can’t remember the last time anyone ran that fast.”
“Little Muggle,” Romilda said. “He probably wouldn’t know what to do with a real witch if she hexed him.”
Zacharias started to laugh. “Or he knows you’re a viper on two legs. Wasn’t he in your house back in school?”
“Yes. And he was an annoying little Muggle then, too,” Romilda muttered.
Eddie joined Zacharias in his laughter. He couldn’t help it. Romilda always assumed she could use sex to get what she wanted from men. Unfortunately, she was usually right. It was refreshing to see her rejected.
Romilda looked over at the two of them laughing at her expense and pushed herself away from the table with a screech. “I’m going to go freshen up,” she growled before she stalked off.
Eddie and Zacharias let their laughter fade off. More sober, Eddie asked Zacharias, “So, if she couldn’t seduce the bill out of existence, how did you manage to kill it?”
Zacharias puffed up his chest and buffed his nails on his robes. Eddie resisted the urge to grit his teeth as he listened to his pompous, condescending explanation. “It’s all a matter of who you know...and knowing where the bodies are buried. Eugene Cuthbert made some...well-timed sales right around the time of the Ministry purges after the war. I merely reminded him that those sales transactions are not confidential should the Aurory request specific records. After that, he was quite cooperative. In fact, he gave me everything I needed to persuade his underlings to push for the Owl Post office to split off into its own department. Everyone knows that Minister Shacklebolt has been pushing to streamline and shrink the Ministry’s bureaucracy and simple logic said he’d never agree to anything that would expand the Ministry. Thus, the bill is dead and not a one of our hands was anywhere near the knife.
“I wonder how long Romilda will let me hold onto this favor,” he added as she returned to the table.
“No longer than I absolutely have to,” Romilda snapped. “Now, can we please get dinner?”
Zacharias summoned their waiter and they order their meals. Talk turned to the normal gossip and Eddie wondered how he could get the bill back on track.
~/~/~
The following Monday, George Weasley was waiting outside his office.
“George, welcome, have a seat” Eddie said, as he removed his cloak and escorted his client inside.
George didn’t sit. Instead he began to pace. The moment Eddie closed the door behind his, he began to speak.
“I thought you were supposed to be good at this, Carmichael,” George began. “I wouldn’t have dreamed of hiring a blood-conscious weasel like you if I didn’t think you could get results. I’ve got a thousand Obscuro boxes in my warehouse and no customers for them. What am I going to do with them now? No one cares about security in their parcels unless they actually think someone’s going to see.” His hands were waving and pointing, emphasizing his words.
Eddie let the insult pass. He leaned back in his chair and replied mildly, “I’ll take it you heard the bill is off?”
“Hermione couldn’t talk about anything else at dinner last night. I think she may actually attempt to dismantle her old department brick by brick, she’s so furious. Even the fact that Kingsley said he’d let her bring the bill back up in a few months didn’t keep her calm.”
George collapsed into a chair like a puppet whose strings had been cut. “Carmichael, I need that bill back yesterday.”
Eddie had sat up sharply at the mention of the bill being placed on hold. “Did you say that Kingsley didn’t kill her bill? He just put it on hold?”
“Isn’t that what I just said?” George asked.
Eddie smiled. “George, I may be able to help you after all. Let me reach out to some of my contacts. Now that everyone thinks the bill is dead, we may be able to slip it though. It’s just a matter of finding the right people to help.”
George sighed. “I hope you’re right.”
Eddie shrugged. “I told you before that I wouldn’t make you any promises. Look, there’s still a lot of parties who have no desire to see this bill move forward. But everyone thinks it’s dead. We may be able to get it passed if they’re not looking while we do it.”
“What do you mean there’s a lot of parties who don’t want this bill?”
“Just that. And, frankly, your sister-in-law has made a habit of stepping all over people’s toes in her time at the Ministry.”
“Hermione’s got the best intentions in the world,” George said quietly.
“But she doesn’t have a lot of feel for Ministry politics.” Eddie paused, then added, “George, can you do me a favor and keep her from talking about the bill to anyone for a month or so? It would make things significantly easier if I can disassociate her from it.”
George nodded. “I can do that.”
“Good. Then let me see what I can do,” Eddie said confidently.
He got up to escort George out of the office when another idea came to him. “You’re brother is still an Auror, right?”
“Ron, yeah,” George answered. “So?”
“Have him request records from Borgin and Burkes sales in 1999 concerning Ministry employees who successfully transitioned from Scrimgeour to Thickness and then to Shacklebolt’s tenures.” Eddie said. “That should keep things interesting enough to give me room to manoeuvre.”
George’s eyes narrowed. “Really? What specifically is he looking for, Carmichael?”
“No idea,” Eddie replied breezily. “But I have an idea that he’ll find some interesting information in the records.”
George shrugged. “I’ll tell him. It can’t hurt, I suppose.”
“Good man,” Eddie said and he opened the door for his client. The minute George was gone, Eddie began to look through his files for the perfect proxy for the Post Access Act.
May 2019
Daily Prophet
Ministry Department Head Arrested
Eugene Cuthbert exposed as Death Eater sympathizer
by Miles Farrow
The Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures is in upheaval as its head, Eugene Cuthbert, was arrested yesterday on charges that he was an active collaborator with Death Eaters during the last war with You-Know-Who and his supporters. Cuthbert, 87, had worked for the Ministry since 1957. He started in the Werewolf Registry and worked his way up in the department until he became its head in 1991, during Cornelius Fudge’s tenure as Minister. The year You-Know-Who took over the Ministry and placed Pius Thicknesse as Minister, Cuthbert was allowed to remain the head of the department; he was the only head to remain in position during Thicknesse’s tenure.
When Kingsley Shacklebolt was elected by the Wizengamot to serve as Minister, he began a detailed investigation of Ministry employees who stayed. His public policy was to root out those who actively cooperated and supported You-Know-Who’s aims. Cuthbert remained in his post, leaving all those who observed the housecleaning at the Ministry to conclude that Cuthbert was not a collaborator.
However, an anonymous tip received by the Aurory last month prompted a new investigation into Cuthbert’s ties with the pureblood supremacy movement. Lamia Caraway, spokeswitch for the MLE, said, “The Aurors received an anonymous tip that Cuthbert was a Death Eater sympathizer. The MLE takes this charge seriously and we began a quiet investigation., We turned up numerous dark artifacts that had been in Cuthbert’s possession until shortly before Minister Shacklebolt began investigation ministry employees in 1999. In addition, we found clear evidence that Cuthbert had been an active supporter of [You-Know-Who] and his aims during his takeover of the Ministry. He has been taken into custody and will be formally charged later today.”
Madeline Harding, Cuthbert’s senior secretary had been appointed head of the department pro-tem, pending the Wizengamot’s next session.
Continued on page 4.
Zacharias was furious when he arrived for dinner. He tossed his copy of the Prophet on the table. The hard folded edge of the paper hit the stem of Romilda’s wine glass, sending its contents straight into the witch’s face and down her designer blouse.
“Merlin’s pants, what is your problem, Zacharias?” Romilda sputtered. The wine was causing her hair to curl and frizz around her face and her makeup was beginning to run in rivulets down her face. She looked like she was melting and Eddie stifled a laugh. With a furious glare, she drew her wand and began to clean up the mess the wine had made of her appearance.
“One of you two utter bastards sold out one of my customers to the Aurors,” Zacharias spit. His hands were balled into fists and his wand was emitting sparks from its sheath up his sleeve. Eddie’s urge to laugh died. He picked up the paper Zacharias had tossed and read the article on Cuthbert’s arrest.
Completely sober now, Eddie passed the article to Romilda, who had restored her appearance back to perfection. Romilda read it, muttering the words under her breath. When she finished, she tossed the paper back into Zacharias’ chest.
“How can you possibly think we had anything to do with it?” Romilda snapped. “Everyone known Borgin and Burkes deals in dark artifacts. The Aurors must get anonymous tips all the time.”
Zacharias sneered. “Really, Romilda? That’s the best excuse you have? Next time you set up one of my customers - one that helped kill that blasted bill, by the way - please try and do better than pointing the Aurors directly at records from twenty years ago!”
Zacharias stormed off, leaving the two of them still at the table. Eddie looked at Romilda. “What was that all about?” he whispered.
Romilda replied, “I don’t know, Eddie. I really don’t. Why would he think it was us? We don't do that to each other. That’s the whole deal behind our dinners - we share information, we help each other out when we can, and we don’t screw each other over.”
Romilda stood and tossed her napkin on the table. “I’m going to go see if I can talk Zacharias into seeing sense. See you next month, Eddie.”
Eddie sat alone at the table, sipping his wine, a sour feeling in his stomach.
~/~/~
Eddie spent the following week mulling over what happened at dinner. The self-styled PaLS - the Pureblood Lobbyists Society - really was intended to do what Romilda said. They met every month to share information, to give each other a hand when they could, and they were never, ever supposed to screw each other over. Everyone they dealt with knew they were talking to lobbyists, people who made their living influencing the Ministry’s bureaucracy. And every time they talked with someone, each of them was constantly looking for ways to use that person, now or in the future. Their monthly dinners were the only honest conversations they had. Taking opposite stances on a issue was one thing. Using information given honestly to advance his own aim...Eddie reluctantly realized that he had treated Zacharias like he treated everyone else - he was a mark to be used. He hoped that his duplicity never came to light. Meanwhile the best thing he could do was get the Post Access Act signed by Minister Shacklebolt as soon as possible.
He began by bumping into Dennis Creevy in the main ministry cafeteria and upending his lunch - a bowl of tomato soup - on him.
“Oh, I’m so sorry,” Eddie gushed, whipping out his wand to siphon up the red-orange liquid. Dennis blushed as drew his own wand to help.
“No worries,” Dennis replied. “Accidents happen.”
As he finished cleaning up the soup, Eddie offered, “Let me buy you lunch. The least I can do after spilling yours all over you.”
Dennis grinned, showing off a gap in his teeth. “Thanks, I’ll take you up on that. By the way, my name is Dennis. Dennis Creevy. I work for Hermione Weasley in the MLE.”
Eddie shook the offered hand. “Eddie Carmichael. I run a consulting firm that does a lot of business with the ministry.”
A frown crossed Dennis’ face for a moment before he smiled. “Pleasure to meet you, Eddie.”
They talked about their respective times at Hogwarts as they traversed the cafeteria line. Meals in hand, they found an open table in the crowded public cafeteria and sat down. The moment they did, Dennis drew his wand and cast a spell that seemed to surround them with a soft buzzing noise.
“So, Eddie, tell me why took the time and effort to engineer this conversation,” Dennis said casually.
Eddie blinked. “What?”
Dennis sighed. “No one can overhear us. Muffliato makes it impossible for anyone to listen in. Look, Hermione doesn’t hire dumb. Tell me what you want.”
Eddie revised his opinion of Dennis Creevy upward several notches and revised his pitch. You couldn’t talk to overt Gryffindors like Dennis like you could normal people. “Dennis, you’re right. I did run into for a reason. I’ve been hired by a company to get the Post Access Act passed. After everything that’s been said about the bill, I need your help to get my hands on a copy of the actual language of the bill. If I can see exactly what it says - not what everyone thinks it says - I think I can help your boss and my client get what they want.”
Dennis’ eyes narrowed. “How can I trust you?”
Eddie sighed and played what he hoped was his trump card. “Because I’m the one who tipped off the Aurors to look at Cuthbert after he managed to get the bill killed.”
“Really? You must know I can verify that, right?”
“I know you can. And believe me, I wouldn’t have told you that if I was lying. Or unless I thought I had to. But I need your help. Can you get me a copy of the bill?”
“I’ll need to check a couple of things out. I’ll owl you in a couple of days and let you know. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to eat my lunch,” Dennis said and the buzzing sound surrounding them disappeared. Eddie nodded and left Dennis alone at his table, his own lunch left behind, uneaten.
Three days later, a Ministry owl delivered a draft copy of the bill to his office. Eddie sat down and went over the language in the bill with a quill in hand. When he finished, he whistled. Weasley was a piece of work. She had embedded so many subsections and clauses to cover every contingency that there was no way that anyone who objected could have read the bill. With a few small changes, he was confident he could get everyone who stonewalled the bill before - Floo Control, Owl Post, and the MLE - to agree to support it.
With a whistle, he summoned his owl, Karenina. The beautiful creature hooted as he scribbled a note. “Take this straight to Honoria Shacklebolt, but only deliver it when she is alone. Wait for a reply.” Karenina hooted and took off. Eddie kicked back in his chair, confident for the first time in months he could pull this off.
June 2019
Daily Prophet
Post Access Act Returns
Bill to be renamed the Muggle Crime Prevention Act
by Honoria Shacklebolt, senior correspondent
The Post Access Act, the bill that was the source of much contention in the Ministry this spring, has come back as the Muggle Crime Prevention Act. The author of the bill, Hermione Weasley, sat down with this correspondent for an exclusive interview on the bill.
In our interview, Ms. Weasley explained, “Freddy Black is not the only squib or wizard to use magic or magical items to take advantage of Muggles. Indeed, he isn’t even the worst, if you consider [He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named] and his followers. All the Muggle Crime Prevention Act will do is bind owls to only deliver to pre-defined Muggle locations and enable Aurors, in possession of proper warrants, to search suspicious packages.
“We don’t expect this bill to put an end to wizards abusing Muggles for their own amusement. We do expect it to make it harder for them to do so. When we use magic or magical artifacts to take advantage of Muggles, we breach the secrecy of our world. If we want to remain safe from Muggles, we must in turn keep them safe from us.”
The renamed Muggle Crime Prevention Act is expected to go before the Minister next month.
See page 19 for the complete interview, page 33 for a detailed breakdown of how the bill will impact owl post.
Eddie expected the next PaLS dinner to be acrimonious. He wasn’t prepared for Romilda to plant a kiss on his cheek as a greeting when he arrived and Zacharias to hand him a gillywater. Taking his normal seat between the two, he sipped the gillywater and looked at his companions.
“I’ll take it you’ve calmed down, Zacharias,” Eddie asked with another sip of his drink.
“In a manner of speaking. Romilda and I did some talking with several friends of ours.” Zacharias smiled. “I think you have some explaining to do.”
Eddie bit his tongue hard enough to draw blood and shoved the gillywater, half-gone, away from him.
“Veritaserum?” he asked with a horrified look at Romilda.
“Of course. My own brew,” she said, with a shark grin of her own. “Plus a mild variant of the Babbling Beverage to ensure you hold nothing back.”
Zacharias tapped Eddie on the shoulder. “Now that we have your attention, I’d like to discuss the problem I brought up last month. The one where someone at this table used confidential information regarding one of my customers to have him arrested as a pureblood supremacist. Now, you wouldn’t know anything about that, would you, Eddie?”
Eddie struggled to not speak, to thwart the potions in his system. He squirmed in his seat and tried to get up. Romilda scooted closer to hold him in place. Finally, he couldn’t resist the urge any longer and he began to talk. He told them every detail of it, including how George Weasley had hired him to get the bill passed and how he’d already made damn sure that all of the levers they had used to derail the bill last time were neutralized this time. How he’d seduced Honoria to ensure she’d report favorably on the bill and had Dennis Creevy convince Hermione Weasley to give an interview to the Prophet. And how deeply sorry he was that he’d fucked them over in the process.
Eddie was breathless when he finished. Romilda and Zacharias were looking at each other over his shoulders. Romilda leaned over and whispered in his ear, “Payback is a bitch, Eddie.”
With that, Zacharias and Romilda left. Eddie watched them leave before tossing a few galleons on the table and bolting.
~/~/~
The fallout began the three days later when Honoria barged into his office and began to shriek hexes at him. Eddie frantically cast a shielding spell and hunkered down behind it as the crazed witch turned his office into a storm of paper and splinters. She screamed epithets at him and from the disjointed ranting, Eddie gathered she’d been suspended from the Prophet for unethical behavior after someone reported that she had traded sex for a story.
He didn’t know the Prophet had standards to begin with.
His secretary, Lisette, came to his rescue twenty minutes later, after Honoria was beginning to tire. His secretary, who he had never noticed for any magical talent other than the ability to brew a fantastic cup of coffee, disarmed, bound, and gagged Honoria Shacklebolt before the witch knew they’d been interrupted.
She contacted the Ministry to have someone collect the reporter and began to wave her wand about to set the office to rights. She even managed to salvage his files from a shredded mess. Finally, with Honoria removed to St. Mungo’s for observation and his office returned to normal, she put her hands on her hips and looked at him like he was an errant schoolboy. “What was that all about, Mr. Carmichael?”
“That, Lisette, was payback being a bitch.”
Eddie didn’t wait for the next blow. Instead, he went straight to the Ministry and cornered Dennis Creevy in his office. An owl bearing a howler followed him in.
“Dennis,” Eddie began, only to have Creevy hold up his hand. Eddie fell silent and waited for him to disarm the Howler. The envelope was opened and he heard the shrill harpy version of a female voice.
“Hermione! How could you betray our family so? We took you in, gave you home, accepted you as one of our own! I even let you wear my great-aunt Mildred’s tiara on your wedding day. How could you betray Ron? Was he worth it? You should have trusted your brains instead of trying to sleep your way to the top of your department! I’m ashamed to have ever called you my daughter! I never want to see your face again!”
The voice ended on a choking sob before the envelope burst into flames. Dennis neatly deposited the remains in a steel wastebasket. Taking a seat behind his desk, he said mildly, “I’m afraid Ms. Weasley’s not available today. She’s out of the office due to a family emergency. How can I help you, Mr. Carmichael?”
Eddie signed and took a seat before Dennis. “You can tell me this is all worth it, Dennis. Is the bill still on?”
Dennis closed his eyes and nodded. “Mr. Hightower on the Wizengamot is threatening a recall of Minister Shacklebolt if he signs the bill. He’s got a third of them locked up ready to vote with him if he does. But the Minister intends to sign the bill.”
Eddie nodded. Looking at the ashes in the wastebasket, he sighed and said, “I’m sorry about all this. I’m afraid it may get worse before it gets better.”
Dennis just shook his head and said, “Go. I’ve got too much to do right now.”
Eddie slunk out of the office, trying to figure out how he could defuse a Wizengamot recall. Deciding it couldn’t be helped, he went down to the secretarial pool to find Felicia Chang. She was in her office, but not alone; Romilda was in there with her. His heart sank. He needed a source in the Wizengamot who could tell him what Hightower was thinking. Taking a deep breath, he went to track down an old housemate of his, Lisa Turpin.
Last he recalled, Lisa was working as a private secretary for Andorra Leicester, a junior member of the Wizengamot. Leicester frequently served as an interrogator on Wizengamot panels and Lisa’s secretarial duties included a good deal of investigative work to prepare her boss for upcoming trials. He could only hope she was in and willing to talk to him.
He took his time going down to the lower levels of the Ministry where the Wizengamot was housed. He was not looking forward to this conversation at all.
He wasn’t sure if he was lucky or not when he found Lisa in her office. She was on her knees in front of the the fireplace, immersed in green fire up to her shoulders. Eddie took a moment to admire the view. She still had great legs.
“Thank you, Mr. Burke. We appreciate your cooperation,” Lisa said. She pulled herself out of the fire and stood up, dusting herself off.
“Hello, gorgeous,” Eddie said, still leaning against the doorframe in her office.
“Eddie Carmichael. Have I told you to go fuck yourself today?” Lisa said brightly.
“Not yet.” Eddie smiled and moved to take a seat in front of Lisa’s desk.
“Oh, don’t bother to sit down. I’m just going to tell you to fuck off and get the fuck out of my office.”
Eddie sat down deliberately. “I’ve always admired your command of the language. It’s almost as impressive as your legs.”
Lisa glared at him across her desk, piled high with neatly sorted piles of paper. The walls were lined with volumes covering history, culture, law, genealogy, and even international relations. Some were even clearly Muggle in origin. Eddie whistled. He almost wished he could stay and raid her office library.
“Where was I? Oh, yes. Fuck you, fuck off, and get the fuck out.”
“You haven’t even heard me out yet, Lisa.”
“I don’t particularly want to,” Lisa shot back.
“You can’t still be mad…” Eddie trailed off.
“Yes, I can, Eddie. You discredited my work on anti-miscegenation laws before the Wizengamot. You tricked me into laying out my whole argument for you - with sources - and then you undercut me. Publicly. You made me look stupid,” Lisa hissed. “You set my career back at least five years with that little stunt.
“So, yes, I might still be mad. So, where was I? Oh, yes. Get. Out. Or I’m calling in security.”
Eddie got up. He hadn’t realized she would be quite so angry still. That had been nearly two years ago. He started to walk out and then stopped. He turned around and leaned over the desk and said in a near-whisper, “What if I can help you get back some of those five years?”
Lisa glared. “Who are you going to fuck over in the process?”
“For starters, Hightower.”
“Clarence? That obsolescent hack? Why?”
“He’s put together a faction of the Wizengamot to force a recall of the Minister if he signs the Muggle Crime Prevention Act. I need to figure out who got to him and how.”
Lisa crossed her arms and looked at him thoughtfully. “The rumor mill says he has a new mistress, a young one. If it’s true, that’s your most likely point of leverage. He’s at least a hundred and spits when he talks. The only reason a young witch would spend time with him is because she was being well compensated.”
Eddie grinned. “Oh, I think that’s a given. Now, I’ve heard that Leicester is a hell-raiser when it comes to ethics.”
“Oh, she is. That’s what got me into so much trouble with you.”
“Good. What if I can show that Hightower is being unduly influenced by his new mistress?”
Lisa grinned. “She’d hang him with it if he tried to force a recall.”
“Then, my lady, I shall deliver this proof to you.”
“Eddie, if you can do that, I may even forgive you for being an utter bastard one day.”
Eddie laughed and walked out of Lisa’s office. He whistled as he went to track down an old friend of his who was good at keeping track of people. Jamie should be able to follow old Hightower around and find out who his new mistress was. Eddie suspected that it would be Romilda or someone she hired for the role. Zacharias worked with people when he already had leverage; Romilda would manufacture it. He had to admit, she was impressive when she wanted to be. In three days she’d damn near turned everything he’d done last month upside down and she’d cost him his friendliest connection at the Prophet to boot.
That was one scary witch.
July 2019
Witch Weekly
Inside the Home of Hermione and Ron Weasley
How these two war heroes make it work
by Melinda Markham
Hermione and Ron Weasley are, of course, the two best friends of Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived Twice, and are best known for their role in defeating He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Today, they live in a lovely cottage just outside of Ottery St. Catchpole. Their home, for security reasons, is Unplottable. Hermione is a high-ranking official in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement and Ron is a senior Auror. Their children, Rose, 13, and Hugo, 11, are off at Hogwarts.
Still, despite the demands of parenthood and busy careers, the couple have a lovely, charming, and welcoming home. Ron says, “Of course we’re not here all the time, but when we are, this is home.” Hermione, sitting by his side, their hands intertwined, added, “This is our space. We don’t bring our work home with us. When we’re here, it’s about family.”
“And now that the kids are off at Hogwarts?”
Hermione and Ron don’t speak, but she blushes becomingly and Ron gets a wide grin on his face.
Continued on page 87.
Eddie had owled Romilda to meet him thirty minutes before dinner. She showed up in her trademark red, with robes of garnet over a simple grey business suit. She was dressed for battle. He was waiting for her.
After she sat down and ordered her wine, he handed her a plain envelope made fat with documents. “I didn’t think you wanted Zacharias to see these,” he said.
Romilda tore open the envelope and spilled the pictures out on the table. Eddie added mildly, “I didn’t think you’d want a passersby to see them either. But you do have a remarkable exhibitionist streak.”
Romilda flipped through the photos, her face blank. The photos left no question that she was responsible for hiring the witch playing the role of Hightower’s new mistress. The pictures also made clear that she was a hands-on and enthusiastic supporter of the relationship.
“Nice to see how well ‘Passionate Embrace’ really works,” she replied, carefully putting the photos back in the envelope and tucking them away in her robe. “Now what do you want Eddie?”
“A truce. You stop from trying to trash my connections in the Ministry and I’ll make sure those photos never see the light of day.”
Romilda sighed. “Deal. Besides, I think you learned your lesson.”
“Yeah, I did. Next time, I’ll just admit to a client conflict. But I do have a surprise for you.”
“Oh, really? A carrot now that I’ve had the stick?”
Eddie winced. “I suppose. I prefer to think of it as a balm to soothe the wound. Here.” He passed over another envelope, much slimmer than the last. Romilda opened it and pulled out an exclusive contract for the Potioneer Society to purchase packaging materials from Weasley’s Wizarding Wheezes at a preferential discount.
“George Weasley has perfected something he’s marketing as Obscuro packaging. It can prevent any package from being opened by anyone other than its intended recipient. If the package is opened, it can either destroy the packaging, alerting the recipient that the package was opened, or destroy the contents.”
Romilda tucked the contract into her robes. “I think that’s an acceptable peace offering.”
“Good. I have one for Zacharias when he gets here.”
“He’ll sign it tonight. He knows as well as I do that the Muggle Protection bill is going to be signed any day now. Borgin and Burkes has been scrambling to find a way to package their products since he realized we couldn’t prevent the bill from moving forward.”
Eddie smiled and raised his glass in a toast. “To wizarding nature. May it always be mutable.”
Romilda met his toast with a smile.
~/~/~
Eddie sent an owl to George Weasley a week later with copy of the signed contracts with the Potioneer Society and Borgin and Burkes, along with his bill. George Weasley arrived in his office twenty minutes later.
“I expected to see you, Mr. Weasley.”
“1500 Galleons?” he sputtered.
“You did say you’d double my fee if I could get the bill signed. It was, yesterday. And, of course, expenses. I’m afraid private investigators don’t come cheap. But they do excellent work. It’s all itemized on my bill.”
“1500 Galleons?”
“Mr. Weasley, I am a specialist. You wanted - and got - my contacts and expertise on the Ministry and how to maneuver a bill through its Byzantine depths to the Minister’s desk. I delivered. I even secured contracts with two interested parties for your new product line. What, precisely, makes you think you didn’t get your knut’s worth?”
George grinned and pulled a large money bag from his robes and tossed it on Eddie’s desk. It landed with a satisfying thud. “I suppose you did. Good work, Carmichael. If I need some more Ministry work, I’ll send you an owl.”
Eddie smiled back. “I look forward to your business.”