Externally Yours [Bam/Ryan implied]
Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be…need I go on?
AN: Psychology is a wonderful class for getting plot bunnies.
Summary:
Externally Yours
I told him I’d do anything for him, I said I’d give up everything for him. He said he would never ask me to. I had never thought that he could hurt me like that with words, that he’d be able to cut me so deep like that.
But he didn’t even realise, he didn’t know what he meant to me, even though I had practically shouted it at him. That was why I told him to go, why I let him leave; I had almost had to talk him into it. So he took the chance, took up MTV’s offer to do the show, he headed off to L.A and I pretended that I was happy for him.
I think I managed to convince myself I was happy. Fact was I was far from happy. I did stupid things, tried harder to do something for the rush that I missed. I have a scar along my head from that, and all I had wanted then was for him to come home, for it to be him who helped me. But Missy was the one who had answered his call to check on me, she told him that she could take care of it, told him not to worry. I had never disliked her more than I did then.
I fell into my own black hole, managing to wear a mask around people, but crawling into myself and curling into a ball at the end of the day, just fighting to keep out the cold nothingness that surrounded me.
I spent a year hiding, spent a whole twelve months ignoring the pain in my chest. I couldn’t stop it, I knew what was causing it all and I had no way to change it. So I tried to move on, I got engaged to Missy, planned a life with her while trying my hardest to hide how I really felt. I don’t think I did too good a job.
Ville asked me once, ‘Why don’t you just tell him?’ I think Ville knew from the second I introduced them to each other. He always was so damn perceptive. I never gave him an answer though. Mainly because I didn’t want to admit to myself, I just didn’t want to face it at all.
What if he didn’t want me like I wanted him? What if, after all this time, I tell him and he rejects me? I think that would’ve been harder to survive than simply just not telling him. Sure, its hell now, but it’d hurt more if I didn’t have him at all.
I still have him now though; I have his love, his friendship, his trust, his respect. I’m the first person he comes to with his troubles, without even thinking about it. We both do it. If I need him I can still find him, I know where he’ll be. I don’t need to worry about him not answering my calls, even when they are in the middle of the night. I don’t need to worry that maybe he won’t see me if I’m in L.A, or that now and then, on a whim, he’ll come home just to see me.
If I told him, would he still be like that? No, he’d distance himself, thinking that I’d get past it if he distanced himself. He thinks I’m happy with Missy, that is after all why we’re about to get married, right?
So why am I out here, in the cold, sitting on a headstone, chain smoking and thinking about him before my wedding? I’m coming up with so many reasons to call Ape and tell her not to bring Missy to the church, I’m coming up with more reasons why I should call it all off than to go through with it. Sure, I could tell him how I feel; I could have it all blow up in my face and life in misery the rest of my life. But what if he does feel that way? What if he loves me like I love him? What if I tell him eventually and he says he feels the same but it’s too late, because I’m married to Missy? I’m getting a headache and I can’t think about this anymore.
I bring out my cell phone and prepare to call my mother, knowing that she’s still in the house putting on the finishing touches to Missy dress, the dress I wasn’t allowed to see because Missy thought it would jinx the wedding. The wedding had been jinxed since the day I proposed.
I felt someone sit beside me and looked over to see him, sitting there in his dress trousers and white shirt. His tie was just sitting there, around his neck but not done up, his black blazer jacket hanging over his arm as he leaned his elbows on his knees and looked at me.
“Last minute jitters?” He asks, looking at the cell phone. “What’s going on in here now?” He taps my forehead lightly and I try not to follow his fingers as they move away.
“What if I don’t really love her?” I ask quietly, watching him watch me. “What if,” I pause for a minute, getting the courage to continue, “what if there’s someone else that I love more, but that I’m too scared to tell?” He gives me a thoughtful look, and I know he’s thinking this all over.
“Well, do you know if that other person loves you?”
“I know they love me, but I don’t know if it’s the same kind of love.” I think I’m making more sense that I thought I could, and out of the corner of my eye I see Ville, standing at the church, watching us and smiling. I know he wants me to tell him, I know that it’s something Ville’s always thought I should do. But I’m not as brave as he is.
“Well then, you have to ask yourself, is it worth stopping your own wedding?” He takes my spent cigarette out of my fingers and throws it to the ground, snubbing it out with his shoe. “Is the possibility of this person saying they do care about you the same way more important to you than spending your life with Missy?”
I know the answer instantly. Yes. The thought of being able to wake up beside Ryan every day of my life is far more important than waking up beside Missy for just a few years. The idea that Ryan could one day whisper ‘I love you’ in my ear is far better than hearing Missy say it every day. I love her, I do. But I love Ryan more, and I think I always have.
“Yeah, it is.” I look at Ryan and for a moment I think I see something in his eyes, something that I’ve wanted to see for years.
“Then make the call. Save the poor girl a little heartache.” And I do. I call April, and I can hear her in the background laughing. I hurts to do this to her, but it would hurt more if I waited. Neither of us should go through with this, neither of us deserve to live a lie. I can tell that April’s disappointed, and I know she’s angry that I’m making her do this. But I can’t break up with Missy on our wedding day over the phone. I’m a bastard for doing this; I’m not going to make it worse.
I hang up and I sigh, looking at the sky and thinking over what I’ve done, feeling Ryan still sitting next to me makes it a little easier. He doesn’t think less of me. He doesn’t hate me like she will.
“Maybe it’s for the best.” He says quietly. He moves to stand up, probably to tell the guests that the wedding’s been cancelled, but before he does, he leans back down to me. “When you’re ready to tell me, just say it.” He places a small kiss on my cheek and I’m stunned for a second, sitting still and just watching him go back into the church.
I don’t want to be sitting there when everyone comes out. I know that some of Missy’s family will want an explanation, but before I’ve had a chance to talk to Missy, I’m not telling any of them jack. I move from where I’m sitting and head to the back of the church, knowing that Ville, or Raab, or Dico, or Ryan will find me when they need to.
It’s Ville who finds me first.
“Did you tell him?”
“Not yet, but I think I will, soon.” I keep replaying what he said to me, I keep remembering the touch of his lips to my cheek. Does he already know? And if he does, and he’s still here, does that mean he feels the same? Ville puts and arm around my shoulder and lets me lean on him. I need to comfort right now. Only a few people will ever know the real reason why I couldn’t marry Missy, to everyone else, I’ll just be the jerk they think I am.
-
Fini
-
Well, that was interesting.
Don’t you just love the strange things that happen in college?
Any and all feedback is love.
AN: Psychology is a wonderful class for getting plot bunnies.
Summary:
Externally Yours
I told him I’d do anything for him, I said I’d give up everything for him. He said he would never ask me to. I had never thought that he could hurt me like that with words, that he’d be able to cut me so deep like that.
But he didn’t even realise, he didn’t know what he meant to me, even though I had practically shouted it at him. That was why I told him to go, why I let him leave; I had almost had to talk him into it. So he took the chance, took up MTV’s offer to do the show, he headed off to L.A and I pretended that I was happy for him.
I think I managed to convince myself I was happy. Fact was I was far from happy. I did stupid things, tried harder to do something for the rush that I missed. I have a scar along my head from that, and all I had wanted then was for him to come home, for it to be him who helped me. But Missy was the one who had answered his call to check on me, she told him that she could take care of it, told him not to worry. I had never disliked her more than I did then.
I fell into my own black hole, managing to wear a mask around people, but crawling into myself and curling into a ball at the end of the day, just fighting to keep out the cold nothingness that surrounded me.
I spent a year hiding, spent a whole twelve months ignoring the pain in my chest. I couldn’t stop it, I knew what was causing it all and I had no way to change it. So I tried to move on, I got engaged to Missy, planned a life with her while trying my hardest to hide how I really felt. I don’t think I did too good a job.
Ville asked me once, ‘Why don’t you just tell him?’ I think Ville knew from the second I introduced them to each other. He always was so damn perceptive. I never gave him an answer though. Mainly because I didn’t want to admit to myself, I just didn’t want to face it at all.
What if he didn’t want me like I wanted him? What if, after all this time, I tell him and he rejects me? I think that would’ve been harder to survive than simply just not telling him. Sure, its hell now, but it’d hurt more if I didn’t have him at all.
I still have him now though; I have his love, his friendship, his trust, his respect. I’m the first person he comes to with his troubles, without even thinking about it. We both do it. If I need him I can still find him, I know where he’ll be. I don’t need to worry about him not answering my calls, even when they are in the middle of the night. I don’t need to worry that maybe he won’t see me if I’m in L.A, or that now and then, on a whim, he’ll come home just to see me.
If I told him, would he still be like that? No, he’d distance himself, thinking that I’d get past it if he distanced himself. He thinks I’m happy with Missy, that is after all why we’re about to get married, right?
So why am I out here, in the cold, sitting on a headstone, chain smoking and thinking about him before my wedding? I’m coming up with so many reasons to call Ape and tell her not to bring Missy to the church, I’m coming up with more reasons why I should call it all off than to go through with it. Sure, I could tell him how I feel; I could have it all blow up in my face and life in misery the rest of my life. But what if he does feel that way? What if he loves me like I love him? What if I tell him eventually and he says he feels the same but it’s too late, because I’m married to Missy? I’m getting a headache and I can’t think about this anymore.
I bring out my cell phone and prepare to call my mother, knowing that she’s still in the house putting on the finishing touches to Missy dress, the dress I wasn’t allowed to see because Missy thought it would jinx the wedding. The wedding had been jinxed since the day I proposed.
I felt someone sit beside me and looked over to see him, sitting there in his dress trousers and white shirt. His tie was just sitting there, around his neck but not done up, his black blazer jacket hanging over his arm as he leaned his elbows on his knees and looked at me.
“Last minute jitters?” He asks, looking at the cell phone. “What’s going on in here now?” He taps my forehead lightly and I try not to follow his fingers as they move away.
“What if I don’t really love her?” I ask quietly, watching him watch me. “What if,” I pause for a minute, getting the courage to continue, “what if there’s someone else that I love more, but that I’m too scared to tell?” He gives me a thoughtful look, and I know he’s thinking this all over.
“Well, do you know if that other person loves you?”
“I know they love me, but I don’t know if it’s the same kind of love.” I think I’m making more sense that I thought I could, and out of the corner of my eye I see Ville, standing at the church, watching us and smiling. I know he wants me to tell him, I know that it’s something Ville’s always thought I should do. But I’m not as brave as he is.
“Well then, you have to ask yourself, is it worth stopping your own wedding?” He takes my spent cigarette out of my fingers and throws it to the ground, snubbing it out with his shoe. “Is the possibility of this person saying they do care about you the same way more important to you than spending your life with Missy?”
I know the answer instantly. Yes. The thought of being able to wake up beside Ryan every day of my life is far more important than waking up beside Missy for just a few years. The idea that Ryan could one day whisper ‘I love you’ in my ear is far better than hearing Missy say it every day. I love her, I do. But I love Ryan more, and I think I always have.
“Yeah, it is.” I look at Ryan and for a moment I think I see something in his eyes, something that I’ve wanted to see for years.
“Then make the call. Save the poor girl a little heartache.” And I do. I call April, and I can hear her in the background laughing. I hurts to do this to her, but it would hurt more if I waited. Neither of us should go through with this, neither of us deserve to live a lie. I can tell that April’s disappointed, and I know she’s angry that I’m making her do this. But I can’t break up with Missy on our wedding day over the phone. I’m a bastard for doing this; I’m not going to make it worse.
I hang up and I sigh, looking at the sky and thinking over what I’ve done, feeling Ryan still sitting next to me makes it a little easier. He doesn’t think less of me. He doesn’t hate me like she will.
“Maybe it’s for the best.” He says quietly. He moves to stand up, probably to tell the guests that the wedding’s been cancelled, but before he does, he leans back down to me. “When you’re ready to tell me, just say it.” He places a small kiss on my cheek and I’m stunned for a second, sitting still and just watching him go back into the church.
I don’t want to be sitting there when everyone comes out. I know that some of Missy’s family will want an explanation, but before I’ve had a chance to talk to Missy, I’m not telling any of them jack. I move from where I’m sitting and head to the back of the church, knowing that Ville, or Raab, or Dico, or Ryan will find me when they need to.
It’s Ville who finds me first.
“Did you tell him?”
“Not yet, but I think I will, soon.” I keep replaying what he said to me, I keep remembering the touch of his lips to my cheek. Does he already know? And if he does, and he’s still here, does that mean he feels the same? Ville puts and arm around my shoulder and lets me lean on him. I need to comfort right now. Only a few people will ever know the real reason why I couldn’t marry Missy, to everyone else, I’ll just be the jerk they think I am.
-
Fini
-
Well, that was interesting.
Don’t you just love the strange things that happen in college?
Any and all feedback is love.