Externally Mine [Bam/Ryan]
Disclaimer: I steal them from dothebullwinkle and use them for myself.
AN: This is for harleypeace because she liked Externally Yours so much.
Summary: Moving forward is sometimes like moving back.
Externally Mine
April’s still not talking to me. She hardly visits like she did and to be honest, I’m missing my mother. I miss complaining about her complaining, it’s just not the same just now. And it’s my fault.
It’s also my fault that Raab and Dico have sort of gone away. I guess I snapped a few too many times at them this week. It’s amazing that Ville’s still here. He keeps putting up with me, smiling when I moan, laughing at me when I start my bitching again. I don’t know why he’s putting up with me like this. But I’m grateful for whatever reason he has.
I hate being on my own, I’m not like Ryan, I can’t be content to just sit and be alone, to just watch other people and think. I need to interact; I need to be with people. Otherwise, I’ll just crawl back into myself. And I think I’ve started doing that.
I can’t even remember what month it is, and I can’t remember the day. All I know is that I broke off my engagement to Missy almost a month ago, and Ryan kissed me then. Not a proper kiss, just on the cheek, but it was still a kiss, and I still cherish the memory. I felt like a school girl when I got home later that day. I had stood in front of the mirror, fingers tracing over my cheek, just where he kissed it, where his lips touched my skin for an instant. And damn I never wanted to lose that feeling.
Ville said that I had inspired him; he sat in my living room, on the floor, with a pad of paper and a pack of smokes for nearly three hours, drumming his fingers on the floor and humming to himself. I think this is what he does when he writes. I just sat upstairs, watching him through the banister. It was nice, being able to watch him while he did something incredibly intimate for him. It was almost like when I watch Ryan working on his friend’s car, when he took the whole thing apart, and then took extra care while putting it back together.
Or when Ryan was rebuilding his bike after the prank war with Knoxville. I just sat there and watched, occasionally helping when I could. I enjoyed that, that was the only time I was ever content to sit and watch someone. And it only ever happens with Ville or Ryan.
Ville’s pretty much just like a brother. He’s my best friend and damn it I know I had a crush on him when I first found the band, all those years ago on the skate demo. Sure, he’s gorgeous, and he’s talented and funny. But he’s not Ryan, so he’ll always be a friend. Besides, Linde would never forgive me if I started anything with Ville.
As for Ryan, well, you know about that. I could sit and watch Ryan all day, just so I could memorise everything. I love it when Ryan wears those beat up shirts, the ones that he should’ve thrown out and replaced years ago, but they hold so many memories that he’ll never part with them. Or when he wears that ridiculous rainbow scarf that just makes him so damn cute. Or when it’s the middle of summer, and he wears his low slung jeans and no top, when he shows off his haggard ass tattoo’s and I can see those perfect hips and those amazing cuts leading down to his groin. I love it when Ryan stands so close to me there’s almost no space between us. I love it when he stands in front of me during a confrontation with someone else, protecting me with himself. I love it when he laughs at my jokes, because his eyes tell me that he really is amused.
I just love everything about him. And I’m almost ready to tell him as well. I just need to find the time. Ville’s staying as moral support I think, either that or to bully me into it. But right now both are welcome.
The front door opens and I can hear movement and I look up from my perch, seeing Ryan walk in and smile at Ville. My two best friends, and the only two who seem to want to put up with my mood swings. Ryan looks up when Ville does, both of them smiling and a light chuckle edging into Ville’s voice. I really hope they’re not laughing at me.
Ryan comes up the stairs, moving to where I sit and sitting with me, while Ville heads away from his work, heading down to the kitchen presumably.
“Dico said he’d come by today at some point if you stop bitching.” He says, smiling lightly which tells me that Dico’s saying this in humour, and that maybe he’s forgiven me. But that still leaves Raab and Ape. I don’t know if my mother will ever forgive me. Ryan must notice that I’m brooding again because he nudges me and shakes his head. “Don’t worry, they’ll come around.” He’s always like this, always supportive, even when he shouldn’t be.
“You know when I called off the wedding.” I ask him, knowing that he remembers it, and that this time I’m not going to back down. “And, when I told you that there was someone else?” He nods, not looking away from me and with that amazingly calm face on, he’s letting me take my own time again. “Well…You probably already know right, but I suppose I need to say it, right?” He smiles more but nods again, I should take comfort in the fact that he’s still here, and that he’s been stopping by more often since Ape stopped talking to me, and he stayed with me when Dico and Raab move out. Ryan moved back in, after he came back from L.A, after he’d been away for six months. I had been worried that he’d be gone for good. But he’d said he was back and here he was. I always could rely on him.
“Ryan, I…” Why do the words keep getting stuck? Why can’t I just say it? I know what I feel. I’ve felt it for years; I’ve known it for years, so why can’t I just tell him.
“Bam,” I look at him and I can see everything in his eyes. It sounds so cliché, but it’s true. You see, Ryan’s got a defence mechanism, he had it when he first moved to West Chester from Ohio, and he’s honed it ever since. No one can get past the barriers he’s put up unless he lets them, and only a few times has he ever let me past them. When he’s hurt and I’m blaming myself, when he’s sorry or mad and I’m trying to make things better. But right now, right now he’s letting me see everything. All his love, all his fear, all his hope and all his worries. It’s all there, and I can see it. Only I can see it.
I don’t speak, I just act. I’ve had the impulse to kiss him before. Several times. Back during the Jackass days, when he flipped the golf cart, I just wanted to run to him and kiss him. When he stuck the toy car up his butt and tried to hug me, I wanted so much to wrap my arms around him and comfort him. When we started Viva, on seven mile island, he’d been so damn hot I’d wanted to push him against one of those trees and just molest him. At the end of the prank war, when he had that shattered look in his eyes at what I’d done to his bike, I’d been so worried he’d turn on me that I’d wanted to just hug him and apologies till he forgave me. But I’d curbed all those impulses, I’d put them to one side and let them lye, let them grow and grow until I couldn’t keep them in.
Maybe that was why I just took his head in my hands and kissed him like he was the only source of oxygen to me, like he was all I needed to survive and all I had to do was drink him in. He’d been stunned at first, but he seemed to get over that and react soon enough, his own hands curling my hair as he returned the kiss with equal passion. It was the best and most painful kiss of my life.
It was me and it was Ryan and it was so perfect. I’d often thought about our first kiss, where it would be, how it would be, what would have brought it on. Not once did I ever imagine it being this intense, and not once did I ever think I’d be so close to breaking because of a kiss. To think that I would’ve been able to feel this years ago, to think that none of the heartache and the pain would have happened if I’d just had more courage, that so many people wouldn’t have been hurt if I’d just done this sooner. But that didn’t matter now, because I was there, with Ryan and tasting him for the first time, feeling him against me properly for the first time and just being with him.
I tried to move closer, to get more contact, to just feel him all that more, I ended up sitting in his lap, holding onto him and just praying that this moment would never end. But we had to pull back, had to breathe. He placed soft kisses to my cheeks as I rested my forehead against his, smiling to myself and just holding him.
“Ryan,” I knew I could do it now, after that kiss, after all the love I could feel from him; there wasn’t a doubt in my mind that he felt the same. “I love you.” He smiles at me, a hand running through my hair and cupping my cheek, that same unguarded look of pure love in his eyes.
“I love you too, Bam.” And slowly I could feel it, all the little chips in my heart, all the aches and all the tears, slowly they began to knit. My heart started to heal and visions of us together, old and bickering, flooded into my head and I had to smile.
Maybe things would finally turn around.
-
End
-
It took a while to get this out, but that was because of my total and utter lack of time.
*sigh*
I hope it meets expectations, and the story will be concluded in Externally Ours.
^_^
Go me.
AN: This is for harleypeace because she liked Externally Yours so much.
Summary: Moving forward is sometimes like moving back.
Externally Mine
April’s still not talking to me. She hardly visits like she did and to be honest, I’m missing my mother. I miss complaining about her complaining, it’s just not the same just now. And it’s my fault.
It’s also my fault that Raab and Dico have sort of gone away. I guess I snapped a few too many times at them this week. It’s amazing that Ville’s still here. He keeps putting up with me, smiling when I moan, laughing at me when I start my bitching again. I don’t know why he’s putting up with me like this. But I’m grateful for whatever reason he has.
I hate being on my own, I’m not like Ryan, I can’t be content to just sit and be alone, to just watch other people and think. I need to interact; I need to be with people. Otherwise, I’ll just crawl back into myself. And I think I’ve started doing that.
I can’t even remember what month it is, and I can’t remember the day. All I know is that I broke off my engagement to Missy almost a month ago, and Ryan kissed me then. Not a proper kiss, just on the cheek, but it was still a kiss, and I still cherish the memory. I felt like a school girl when I got home later that day. I had stood in front of the mirror, fingers tracing over my cheek, just where he kissed it, where his lips touched my skin for an instant. And damn I never wanted to lose that feeling.
Ville said that I had inspired him; he sat in my living room, on the floor, with a pad of paper and a pack of smokes for nearly three hours, drumming his fingers on the floor and humming to himself. I think this is what he does when he writes. I just sat upstairs, watching him through the banister. It was nice, being able to watch him while he did something incredibly intimate for him. It was almost like when I watch Ryan working on his friend’s car, when he took the whole thing apart, and then took extra care while putting it back together.
Or when Ryan was rebuilding his bike after the prank war with Knoxville. I just sat there and watched, occasionally helping when I could. I enjoyed that, that was the only time I was ever content to sit and watch someone. And it only ever happens with Ville or Ryan.
Ville’s pretty much just like a brother. He’s my best friend and damn it I know I had a crush on him when I first found the band, all those years ago on the skate demo. Sure, he’s gorgeous, and he’s talented and funny. But he’s not Ryan, so he’ll always be a friend. Besides, Linde would never forgive me if I started anything with Ville.
As for Ryan, well, you know about that. I could sit and watch Ryan all day, just so I could memorise everything. I love it when Ryan wears those beat up shirts, the ones that he should’ve thrown out and replaced years ago, but they hold so many memories that he’ll never part with them. Or when he wears that ridiculous rainbow scarf that just makes him so damn cute. Or when it’s the middle of summer, and he wears his low slung jeans and no top, when he shows off his haggard ass tattoo’s and I can see those perfect hips and those amazing cuts leading down to his groin. I love it when Ryan stands so close to me there’s almost no space between us. I love it when he stands in front of me during a confrontation with someone else, protecting me with himself. I love it when he laughs at my jokes, because his eyes tell me that he really is amused.
I just love everything about him. And I’m almost ready to tell him as well. I just need to find the time. Ville’s staying as moral support I think, either that or to bully me into it. But right now both are welcome.
The front door opens and I can hear movement and I look up from my perch, seeing Ryan walk in and smile at Ville. My two best friends, and the only two who seem to want to put up with my mood swings. Ryan looks up when Ville does, both of them smiling and a light chuckle edging into Ville’s voice. I really hope they’re not laughing at me.
Ryan comes up the stairs, moving to where I sit and sitting with me, while Ville heads away from his work, heading down to the kitchen presumably.
“Dico said he’d come by today at some point if you stop bitching.” He says, smiling lightly which tells me that Dico’s saying this in humour, and that maybe he’s forgiven me. But that still leaves Raab and Ape. I don’t know if my mother will ever forgive me. Ryan must notice that I’m brooding again because he nudges me and shakes his head. “Don’t worry, they’ll come around.” He’s always like this, always supportive, even when he shouldn’t be.
“You know when I called off the wedding.” I ask him, knowing that he remembers it, and that this time I’m not going to back down. “And, when I told you that there was someone else?” He nods, not looking away from me and with that amazingly calm face on, he’s letting me take my own time again. “Well…You probably already know right, but I suppose I need to say it, right?” He smiles more but nods again, I should take comfort in the fact that he’s still here, and that he’s been stopping by more often since Ape stopped talking to me, and he stayed with me when Dico and Raab move out. Ryan moved back in, after he came back from L.A, after he’d been away for six months. I had been worried that he’d be gone for good. But he’d said he was back and here he was. I always could rely on him.
“Ryan, I…” Why do the words keep getting stuck? Why can’t I just say it? I know what I feel. I’ve felt it for years; I’ve known it for years, so why can’t I just tell him.
“Bam,” I look at him and I can see everything in his eyes. It sounds so cliché, but it’s true. You see, Ryan’s got a defence mechanism, he had it when he first moved to West Chester from Ohio, and he’s honed it ever since. No one can get past the barriers he’s put up unless he lets them, and only a few times has he ever let me past them. When he’s hurt and I’m blaming myself, when he’s sorry or mad and I’m trying to make things better. But right now, right now he’s letting me see everything. All his love, all his fear, all his hope and all his worries. It’s all there, and I can see it. Only I can see it.
I don’t speak, I just act. I’ve had the impulse to kiss him before. Several times. Back during the Jackass days, when he flipped the golf cart, I just wanted to run to him and kiss him. When he stuck the toy car up his butt and tried to hug me, I wanted so much to wrap my arms around him and comfort him. When we started Viva, on seven mile island, he’d been so damn hot I’d wanted to push him against one of those trees and just molest him. At the end of the prank war, when he had that shattered look in his eyes at what I’d done to his bike, I’d been so worried he’d turn on me that I’d wanted to just hug him and apologies till he forgave me. But I’d curbed all those impulses, I’d put them to one side and let them lye, let them grow and grow until I couldn’t keep them in.
Maybe that was why I just took his head in my hands and kissed him like he was the only source of oxygen to me, like he was all I needed to survive and all I had to do was drink him in. He’d been stunned at first, but he seemed to get over that and react soon enough, his own hands curling my hair as he returned the kiss with equal passion. It was the best and most painful kiss of my life.
It was me and it was Ryan and it was so perfect. I’d often thought about our first kiss, where it would be, how it would be, what would have brought it on. Not once did I ever imagine it being this intense, and not once did I ever think I’d be so close to breaking because of a kiss. To think that I would’ve been able to feel this years ago, to think that none of the heartache and the pain would have happened if I’d just had more courage, that so many people wouldn’t have been hurt if I’d just done this sooner. But that didn’t matter now, because I was there, with Ryan and tasting him for the first time, feeling him against me properly for the first time and just being with him.
I tried to move closer, to get more contact, to just feel him all that more, I ended up sitting in his lap, holding onto him and just praying that this moment would never end. But we had to pull back, had to breathe. He placed soft kisses to my cheeks as I rested my forehead against his, smiling to myself and just holding him.
“Ryan,” I knew I could do it now, after that kiss, after all the love I could feel from him; there wasn’t a doubt in my mind that he felt the same. “I love you.” He smiles at me, a hand running through my hair and cupping my cheek, that same unguarded look of pure love in his eyes.
“I love you too, Bam.” And slowly I could feel it, all the little chips in my heart, all the aches and all the tears, slowly they began to knit. My heart started to heal and visions of us together, old and bickering, flooded into my head and I had to smile.
Maybe things would finally turn around.
-
End
-
It took a while to get this out, but that was because of my total and utter lack of time.
*sigh*
I hope it meets expectations, and the story will be concluded in Externally Ours.
^_^
Go me.