Oh, I see familiar characters growing up and returning!
I like this. I love your visual descriptions, and the relationship between the two siblings creates a nice atmosphere in the car. However, I think there is a bit too much exposure in the dialogue - siblings usually don't have to say things so expressly, because they've known each other for too long. However, since I don't know what the relationship between these two siblings is, exposure and honesty may be what you're going for, so, this is very good.
This is just a small scene I had in mind to show their relationship - that in some ways they don't know each other. He left home to go to college at sixteen, when she was ten.
I loved this piece. I think it's sweet and touching, especially the last line. I'm glad life seems to have turned out well for them after all, despite the tragedy of losing their parents at such a young age. Great job and good luck :).
Hi there! I'm going to be your editor this round (the final round this month!) Congratulations on making it so far. You've really been offering some great writing this month!
A note about how I edit: I am no expert on structure or grammar as I am primarily a playwright, so what I do is read your piece through a few times and comment upon anything that may stick out to me. Again, congrats for making it this far; you have shown great talent!
Here we go...
1. Kermit Donovan liked living, thus he drove from Seattle to Pullman, Washington - home of Washington State University. Simple, straight, logical, and the source of an hour-long argument prior to leaving.. This bit confuses me, honestly. What is the "simple, straight, and logical" of the next line in reference to? And what is the source of an hour-long argument?
2. Glancing over to where she sat with her bare feet propped on the navy blue dashboard of the car, he withheld the snorting laugh that almost escaped at the sight of her neon blue toenail polish. “That’s my sister
( ... )
Hey, I'm your other editor for this week! Sorry about the delay- it's been hectic lately on my end. Maybe October's just like that.
This piece is very gorgeous in it's simplicity- it does an effective job of portraying a snapshot of two people in a situation that is easy for a reader to relate to. While this topic could, conceivably, come off as stereotypical, you do a remarkable job of infusing these characters with a real sense of heart and worth. Your character development is very subtle but refined- it takes a great writer to do that.
While I have a suggestion or two, most of them are really nitpicky things that hardly detract from the story on the whole;
Long, straight roads bored the hell out of him. The alternate made him shudder, though, because his sister Megan drove like a heathen.I feel as though the line "the alternate made him shudder" is a little too vague for a response to the opening line- I know what you're trying to convey with this, however, maybe being more accurate and just specifying on a curvy, dangerous
( ... )
Comments 9
Nice job.
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I like this. I love your visual descriptions, and the relationship between the two siblings creates a nice atmosphere in the car. However, I think there is a bit too much exposure in the dialogue - siblings usually don't have to say things so expressly, because they've known each other for too long. However, since I don't know what the relationship between these two siblings is, exposure and honesty may be what you're going for, so, this is very good.
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I loved this piece. I think it's sweet and touching, especially the last line. I'm glad life seems to have turned out well for them after all, despite the tragedy of losing their parents at such a young age. Great job and good luck :).
Reply
Reply
A note about how I edit: I am no expert on structure or grammar as I am primarily a playwright, so what I do is read your piece through a few times and comment upon anything that may stick out to me. Again, congrats for making it this far; you have shown great talent!
Here we go...
1. Kermit Donovan liked living, thus he drove from Seattle to Pullman, Washington - home of Washington State University. Simple, straight, logical, and the source of an hour-long argument prior to leaving.. This bit confuses me, honestly. What is the "simple, straight, and logical" of the next line in reference to? And what is the source of an hour-long argument?
2. Glancing over to where she sat with her bare feet propped on the navy blue dashboard of the car, he withheld the snorting laugh that almost escaped at the sight of her neon blue toenail polish. “That’s my sister ( ... )
Reply
Reply
This piece is very gorgeous in it's simplicity- it does an effective job of portraying a snapshot of two people in a situation that is easy for a reader to relate to. While this topic could, conceivably, come off as stereotypical, you do a remarkable job of infusing these characters with a real sense of heart and worth. Your character development is very subtle but refined- it takes a great writer to do that.
While I have a suggestion or two, most of them are really nitpicky things that hardly detract from the story on the whole;
Long, straight roads bored the hell out of him. The alternate made him shudder, though, because his sister Megan drove like a heathen.I feel as though the line "the alternate made him shudder" is a little too vague for a response to the opening line- I know what you're trying to convey with this, however, maybe being more accurate and just specifying on a curvy, dangerous ( ... )
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