Hi there! I'm going to be your editor this round (the final round this month!) Congratulations on making it so far. You've really been offering some great writing this month!
A note about how I edit: I am no expert on structure or grammar as I am primarily a playwright, so what I do is read your piece through a few times and comment upon anything that may stick out to me. Again, congrats for making it this far; you have shown great talent!
Here we go...
1. Kermit Donovan liked living, thus he drove from Seattle to Pullman, Washington - home of Washington State University. Simple, straight, logical, and the source of an hour-long argument prior to leaving.. This bit confuses me, honestly. What is the "simple, straight, and logical" of the next line in reference to? And what is the source of an hour-long argument?
2. Glancing over to where she sat with her bare feet propped on the navy blue dashboard of the car, he withheld the snorting laugh that almost escaped at the sight of her neon blue toenail polish. “That’s my sister. So full of life,” he thought, almost reverently. This is a beautiful edition to your piece. Nice detail and nice indirect characterizations. Good work!
3. In some ways, it seemed only yesterday that Kert came home to find his parents had died in a car accident. While I understand what you mean by this sentence, the way it's currently written suggests that Kert came home to find his parents dead in the car. I'd suggest re-working this sentence so that the impact of Kert's memory is more clear for your reader. My suggestion: ...it seemed only yesterday that Kert came home to hear the news of his parents death. He'd never forget hearing about the car accident. Or something similar.
4. “There’s not a whole lot around. Just fields and fields of wheat.”. Each time I've read this, I become tripped up by the repetition. My suggestion: "There's not a whole lot around. Just fields." or "There's not a lot around. Just fields of wheat. I understand what you meant, but saying "fields and fields of wheat" interrupts the strong narrative you've created thus far.
5. From what I gather from the other comments as well as your other entry, you're planning on incorporating these characters in a larger sort of piece, correct? If that's the case- kudos. It's really something remarkable to dedicate yourself to developing these characters as best you can with each new week and each new prompt. If not, however, I'd suggest more of an actual story/purpose for your pieces. This was short, sweet and to the point, but I couldn't help but wish for more. That's a sign of a good writer, but I almost felt like I wasn't given enough in the first place.
You're a strong, solid writer and know how to craft a story. My only other suggestion is to be cautious of the situations you're creating with your dialogue. It would be very easy to mistake the character's manner and pleasantries to each other for cliche'.
A note about how I edit: I am no expert on structure or grammar as I am primarily a playwright, so what I do is read your piece through a few times and comment upon anything that may stick out to me. Again, congrats for making it this far; you have shown great talent!
Here we go...
1. Kermit Donovan liked living, thus he drove from Seattle to Pullman, Washington - home of Washington State University. Simple, straight, logical, and the source of an hour-long argument prior to leaving.. This bit confuses me, honestly. What is the "simple, straight, and logical" of the next line in reference to? And what is the source of an hour-long argument?
2. Glancing over to where she sat with her bare feet propped on the navy blue dashboard of the car, he withheld the snorting laugh that almost escaped at the sight of her neon blue toenail polish. “That’s my sister. So full of life,” he thought, almost reverently. This is a beautiful edition to your piece. Nice detail and nice indirect characterizations. Good work!
3. In some ways, it seemed only yesterday that Kert came home to find his parents had died in a car accident. While I understand what you mean by this sentence, the way it's currently written suggests that Kert came home to find his parents dead in the car. I'd suggest re-working this sentence so that the impact of Kert's memory is more clear for your reader. My suggestion: ...it seemed only yesterday that Kert came home to hear the news of his parents death. He'd never forget hearing about the car accident. Or something similar.
4. “There’s not a whole lot around. Just fields and fields of wheat.”. Each time I've read this, I become tripped up by the repetition. My suggestion: "There's not a whole lot around. Just fields." or "There's not a lot around. Just fields of wheat. I understand what you meant, but saying "fields and fields of wheat" interrupts the strong narrative you've created thus far.
5. From what I gather from the other comments as well as your other entry, you're planning on incorporating these characters in a larger sort of piece, correct? If that's the case- kudos. It's really something remarkable to dedicate yourself to developing these characters as best you can with each new week and each new prompt. If not, however, I'd suggest more of an actual story/purpose for your pieces. This was short, sweet and to the point, but I couldn't help but wish for more. That's a sign of a good writer, but I almost felt like I wasn't given enough in the first place.
You're a strong, solid writer and know how to craft a story. My only other suggestion is to be cautious of the situations you're creating with your dialogue. It would be very easy to mistake the character's manner and pleasantries to each other for cliche'.
Nick work this week and good luck in the polls!!
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