Sudafed Spam
I'm feelin' sort of woozy from the Sudafed, so no promises on the quality of today's spam.
DISCLAIMERS
Ownership
I do not own a single one of the characters or situations in the Patrick O'Brian spam. They all belong to the aforementioned Patrick O'Brian, and I make no money off of his glory. It is, in fact, my fondest desire to use the spam to the benefit of Mr. O'Brian's estate by causing those previously uninterested in his fascinating work to be compelled to purchase his entire Aubrey/Maturin series, but I will not see a single thin dime of profit. Nor should I take one if offered.
Writing Style
Every spam is written after a single reading of the book and without further reference to either the text or any notes. As such, there may be confusions of character, geography, and situation. You must deal. They are also written in 30 to 45 minutes a piece (really! no foolin'!) without a spell check or edit. There will be grammatical mistakes. Again, you will have to deal.
Master & Commander
Okay, I lied. The last two ships Jack captured didn't go back to Mahon, but accompanied him to the capture of the rest of the convoy. See, the convoy ran to this little port town that is guarded by a fort, so Jack makes a plan to take out the fort personally while Dillon and the Sophies take out the convoy. Brilliant!
Of course, the plan works, except Jack didn't count on an extra store of powder being under the fort and when he throws his grenade in there *FWOOOM!* there's a lot of fire, and Jack loses half his hair and a bit of scalp, not to mention several layers of skin on the left side of his face. Ouch. Also, ew.
This little injury does two things: 1. Marshall isn't quite as in love with Jack as before. 2. Dillon stops thinking Jack is a jerk, because he's clearly a lot braver than Dillon thought he was. Score! Prizes go off to Mahon, we continue our cruise, but we need some more midshipmen. Jack considers and first taps his coxswain, Bonden, who seems a little young for the position, and could probably do with the advancement.
Jack: What do you say to becoming a midshipman?
Bonden: Thanks, sir, but I don't think I could.
Jack: Why not? It would mean advancement.
Bonden: I don't read too well. Besides, I like being a cox'n, if you don't mind my saying.
Jack: Not at all.
Bonden: What about that kid over there? He reads and writes like a demon.
Jack: Good idea, Bonden. Thanks.
Bonden: Not at all. *goes cheerfully back to work*
Me: *loves Bonden*
Besides the lit demon whose name escapes me, Jack decides to raise Pullings, the master's mate, to midshipman because he seems a likely youngster. Go them.
So we're going along at a good clip, pick up some water in a little cove in Spain, leaving Stephen behind so he can meet some guy, when there's a sail on the horizon. Stephen's getting left for the moment. Sad! The sail is a British ship that a) orders Sophie to take on a buttload of prisoners and b) help them search for an American vessel with two Irish traitors aboard disguised as French. Jack isn't at all pleased with the prisoners or with having to leave Stephen alone even longer or with the order to stop piratin- I mean cruising, but it's the Navy and what can you do?
Dillon's even less happy, because he knows the traitors and doesn't want to help find them. Unfortunately, they *do* find the American ship and Jack sends Dillon aboard to find the traitors on the pretense that Dillon knows more French and could tell a real Frenchie from a faking traitor. Well, Dillon finds the traitors, but lets them go, even though he feels horribly guilty about it. Jack is just relieved they don't have to take the ship, dumps his prisoners on a convenient island nearby, and rushes back to pick up Stephen. Jack's been horribly distraught without him. I'm serious he's all "where is Stephen?" and "I *do* wish Stephen were here" and being miserable.
Of course, Stephen's had a simply marvelous time while they were gone, they having stopped off in Catalonia, Stephen's home turf. This is good, because he's picked up some intelligence on Sophie. See, the merchant who sponsored the convoy they just took is FURIOUS, and has hired a man-of-war called Cacafuego to hunt down Our Boys and destroy them. I shall from here on in refer to Cacafuego as Crap of Fire because it is funnier.
Anyhow, Jack uses this intelligence by deciding to re-paint his ship to look like the Dutch one they saw earlier. And who should they run into as soon as their repainting is complete but... Crap of FIRE!. Jack has Marshall dressed up as a Dutch captain and they fly the Dutch colors as Crap of Fire approaches. Dude, they are seriously outmatched. C of F would destroy them in a second. This will take some fast thinking.
Captain of Fire: HEY DUTCHIES! SURRENDER!
Stephen: Hey! Do you have a doctor aboard?
C of F: Yup. You'll need one, too if you don't surrender!
Stephen: Great! We think there's plague aboard!
C of F: I'm sorry, what? We'll be going now.
Stephen: COME BACK! WE'RE NOT THAT INFECTIOUS!
C of F: Sorry, we've forgotten... we.. uh, left the iron on. But by the way, have you seen an English sloop called the Sophie? We're supposed to destroy her.
Stephen: Nope. Couldn't help you.
Stephen is so crafty.
So they all get back to Mahon in one piece, Jack shaves the rest of his head to match his burned off hair, but there's nothing he can do to fix his horrible burn but wait. Dillon's mopey, so is Marshall, and Jack's feeling very self-conscious. He's getting yelled at for leaving his prisoners, but commended for taking out the fort and catching so many prizes. He's kind of afraid to speak in public after his drunken incident, and he knows his face is a fright. But you know what? Molly Harte still thinks he's a little bit of alright, and invites him over. For... music.... right.
I'mma go sleep now.
DISCLAIMERS
Ownership
I do not own a single one of the characters or situations in the Patrick O'Brian spam. They all belong to the aforementioned Patrick O'Brian, and I make no money off of his glory. It is, in fact, my fondest desire to use the spam to the benefit of Mr. O'Brian's estate by causing those previously uninterested in his fascinating work to be compelled to purchase his entire Aubrey/Maturin series, but I will not see a single thin dime of profit. Nor should I take one if offered.
Writing Style
Every spam is written after a single reading of the book and without further reference to either the text or any notes. As such, there may be confusions of character, geography, and situation. You must deal. They are also written in 30 to 45 minutes a piece (really! no foolin'!) without a spell check or edit. There will be grammatical mistakes. Again, you will have to deal.
Master & Commander
Okay, I lied. The last two ships Jack captured didn't go back to Mahon, but accompanied him to the capture of the rest of the convoy. See, the convoy ran to this little port town that is guarded by a fort, so Jack makes a plan to take out the fort personally while Dillon and the Sophies take out the convoy. Brilliant!
Of course, the plan works, except Jack didn't count on an extra store of powder being under the fort and when he throws his grenade in there *FWOOOM!* there's a lot of fire, and Jack loses half his hair and a bit of scalp, not to mention several layers of skin on the left side of his face. Ouch. Also, ew.
This little injury does two things: 1. Marshall isn't quite as in love with Jack as before. 2. Dillon stops thinking Jack is a jerk, because he's clearly a lot braver than Dillon thought he was. Score! Prizes go off to Mahon, we continue our cruise, but we need some more midshipmen. Jack considers and first taps his coxswain, Bonden, who seems a little young for the position, and could probably do with the advancement.
Jack: What do you say to becoming a midshipman?
Bonden: Thanks, sir, but I don't think I could.
Jack: Why not? It would mean advancement.
Bonden: I don't read too well. Besides, I like being a cox'n, if you don't mind my saying.
Jack: Not at all.
Bonden: What about that kid over there? He reads and writes like a demon.
Jack: Good idea, Bonden. Thanks.
Bonden: Not at all. *goes cheerfully back to work*
Me: *loves Bonden*
Besides the lit demon whose name escapes me, Jack decides to raise Pullings, the master's mate, to midshipman because he seems a likely youngster. Go them.
So we're going along at a good clip, pick up some water in a little cove in Spain, leaving Stephen behind so he can meet some guy, when there's a sail on the horizon. Stephen's getting left for the moment. Sad! The sail is a British ship that a) orders Sophie to take on a buttload of prisoners and b) help them search for an American vessel with two Irish traitors aboard disguised as French. Jack isn't at all pleased with the prisoners or with having to leave Stephen alone even longer or with the order to stop piratin- I mean cruising, but it's the Navy and what can you do?
Dillon's even less happy, because he knows the traitors and doesn't want to help find them. Unfortunately, they *do* find the American ship and Jack sends Dillon aboard to find the traitors on the pretense that Dillon knows more French and could tell a real Frenchie from a faking traitor. Well, Dillon finds the traitors, but lets them go, even though he feels horribly guilty about it. Jack is just relieved they don't have to take the ship, dumps his prisoners on a convenient island nearby, and rushes back to pick up Stephen. Jack's been horribly distraught without him. I'm serious he's all "where is Stephen?" and "I *do* wish Stephen were here" and being miserable.
Of course, Stephen's had a simply marvelous time while they were gone, they having stopped off in Catalonia, Stephen's home turf. This is good, because he's picked up some intelligence on Sophie. See, the merchant who sponsored the convoy they just took is FURIOUS, and has hired a man-of-war called Cacafuego to hunt down Our Boys and destroy them. I shall from here on in refer to Cacafuego as Crap of Fire because it is funnier.
Anyhow, Jack uses this intelligence by deciding to re-paint his ship to look like the Dutch one they saw earlier. And who should they run into as soon as their repainting is complete but... Crap of FIRE!. Jack has Marshall dressed up as a Dutch captain and they fly the Dutch colors as Crap of Fire approaches. Dude, they are seriously outmatched. C of F would destroy them in a second. This will take some fast thinking.
Captain of Fire: HEY DUTCHIES! SURRENDER!
Stephen: Hey! Do you have a doctor aboard?
C of F: Yup. You'll need one, too if you don't surrender!
Stephen: Great! We think there's plague aboard!
C of F: I'm sorry, what? We'll be going now.
Stephen: COME BACK! WE'RE NOT THAT INFECTIOUS!
C of F: Sorry, we've forgotten... we.. uh, left the iron on. But by the way, have you seen an English sloop called the Sophie? We're supposed to destroy her.
Stephen: Nope. Couldn't help you.
Stephen is so crafty.
So they all get back to Mahon in one piece, Jack shaves the rest of his head to match his burned off hair, but there's nothing he can do to fix his horrible burn but wait. Dillon's mopey, so is Marshall, and Jack's feeling very self-conscious. He's getting yelled at for leaving his prisoners, but commended for taking out the fort and catching so many prizes. He's kind of afraid to speak in public after his drunken incident, and he knows his face is a fright. But you know what? Molly Harte still thinks he's a little bit of alright, and invites him over. For... music.... right.
I'mma go sleep now.