Turkey Spam
Did you know I had to go back 120 entries to read all my flist? Y'all are prolific on the weekends.
But you're here for the spam.
The Ionian Mission
Remember how Stephen was "no time for sex, Jack, must run to rendez-vous!"? Well, Jack gets Stephen to the rendez-vous just on time, in spite of the fact that there was a merchantman on the horizon and Jack could *totally* have chased it down and taken it and been rich again, but nooooo, Stephen has to be in some Spanish marsh by Tuesday. The men are displeased.
To top it all off, the meeting in the marsh is a disaster. The guy who set it up, Professor Graham, is kind of a doofus. His spyhat is all whacked out. He organized them to meet in an uninhabited marsh in the middle of the night. So everyone's wandering around without lights and holding guns, and it was only a matter of time before BANG! Someone gets scared and shoots someone else. Except it was Graham. He shot himself in the foot like a dip, but all the other spies meeting up get scared and fire randomly in the dark, bringing down the night watch on them. Stephen manages to get himself and Graham out without much trouble, because Stephen is a badass. I think most of the other spies got caught.
The next mission is great! Jack had been captain of this enormous ship called the Worcester (wooooo-ster!) and hated it. It was too big, he didn't know the names of all his men, and it handled like a VW mini-bus. And he's given the good old Surprise! And *and* he gets to handpick his crew. He's in heaven. Sadly, the play and the oratorio must go by the wayside, but that's small loss for the return of a happy ship!
His mission now is to visit three different Turkish guys and decide which one will help the British cause and give that guy some cannons and military support, and in return, the Turkish guy will give the British port privileges and help fight the French. Graham is coming along as an interpreter and as a guide in Turkish customs. Babbington is coming along in the Dryad for... um... moral support? I think it's as a messenger ship or something. I dunno, I read through that quickly.
Turkish Guy #1
TG1: Hello. I am crafty and political. Have some Turkish food.
Jack: Hi. I'm Jack! I'm culturally illiterate! Your food is excellent!
Graham: Don't compliment him too much. That might make us look like we're going with him too soon.
Jack: Nice palace you've got here! Cool! That thing is shiny!
TG1: I shall make it a present for you. Then you will give us cannons! Haha!
Graham: No, no! Um, um, today is a very unlucky day for British people to receive gifts.
TG1: Really?
Jack: YEAH! It's Bad Gift Day. I couldn't accept anything. No matter how shiny.
TG1: *sigh* Too bad. So how about those cannons?
Jack: Well, what kind of support could you give us against the French?
TG1: Um. My vast numbers of soldiers are... uh... off defending our borders. Yeah, that's the ticket.
Jack: Right. How vast is vast?
TG1: MORE THAN A THOUSAND ARMIES OF ANTS!
Jack: But they aren't here now?
TG1: Sadly, no.
Jack: 'K. I'll keep that in mind. What do you think about the other two guys I have to meet?
TG1: THEY ARE TRAITORS AND WILL KILL YOU! Also they smell like rat feces.
Jack: Thank you for your time.
TG1: Of course.
Then Jack meets up with Babbs, who has somehow acquired about 30-40 women on his ship.
Jack: Babbs!
Babbs: Yes, sir?
Jack: You seem to be running a floating brothel!
Babbs: No, no sir! These are Lesbians!
Jack: So?
Babbs: We saved them from pirates and are taking them home to Lesbos!
Jack: Right then. Carry on.
Babbs, you crafty old soul.
Turkish Guy #2
TG2: Hello! I am a pirate! Arrrr! Also very fat.
Jack: Hello! I'm Jack! I'm a captain. I am not so fat.
TG2: Let us talk about ships!
Jack: Let's!
Graham: Shouldn't you talk about the cannons?
TG2: Yes! I would love some cannons! But I already have a HUUUUGE cannon on my deck. Wanna see?
Jack: DO I? *BOUND!* Cooool...shiny...
Cannon: I am enormous and throw 36 pound balls. I am the shitfuckingupest.
TG2: We could really hurt the French with this bad boy.
Graham: But what's keeping you from turning on the British?
TG2: Um.... um.... I like your food better?
Jack: *stealthy* I don't think that's a very good reason.
TG2: Um... um... hey look! A bird! *escape!*
Jack: Where's Stephen? He loves birds! Hey! Where did TG2 go? Oh well.
Rendez-vous with Babbs, who is transporting the grieving widow of his second cousin's best friend's brother who was in the Navy and took a cannonball to the eye with fatal results. Purely Platonic! Seriously! Also he is transporting her lady friends. What wouldn't Babbs do for a fellow officer? I ask you.
Turkish Guy #3
TG3: Hello. I am a priest and not too bad a guy.
Jack: Hi! I'm Jack! I'm a Christian and a GREAT guy.
TG3: I am concerned for the welfare of my people.
Jack: *I'm* concerned for the welfare of *my* people! We have so much in common!
Graham: Don't give in just yet, Jack. We need to negotiate.
Jack: Right, right. So, what's so great about your town?
TG3: Well, come up to my cliff fortress and see what you see.
Jack: Your fortress looks pretty scary, with those twenty cannons lined up there.
TG3: Look a little closer.
Cannons: We are made of wood and do not fire. We are so useless.
Jack: d00d! You're in trouble!
TG3: I *know*! Please, for the love of all that is holy, save us with your cannons and mad sailor skillz!
Jack: I WILL!
Graham: *facepalm*
So Jack and company make the town ready for war and are waiting for the transports with troops. And waiting and waiting and waiting, but then! They hear that Turkish Guy #2 has gone back to piracy and has taken their transports! Oh no! So Jack finally, FINALLY gets to have a naval battle. It's pretty awesome. Especially with the 36-lb cannonballs flying around. They seem to have an affinity for Jack, and two of them miss him by inches.
Ionian Mission ends with Jack and the crew of Surprise sinking TG2's ship and taking his consort. Babbs is nowhere in sight. Probably saving women from their tight corsets or something. Go Babbs.
ETA: It has only just now occured to me that not everyone will understand that in the above text, I am refering to the island nation of Lesbos, not the somewhat derogatory term applied to female homosexuals in the present day. Humblest apologies to any who were offended, may be offended, or were not previously but are now offended. Please don't hurt me. Or report me to the FCC. 'Cause the FCC are bitches.
ETA2: In refering to the FCC as bitches, it was not my intention to offend any female dogs. Humblest apologies to all female dogs and those who own and love them.
But you're here for the spam.
The Ionian Mission
Remember how Stephen was "no time for sex, Jack, must run to rendez-vous!"? Well, Jack gets Stephen to the rendez-vous just on time, in spite of the fact that there was a merchantman on the horizon and Jack could *totally* have chased it down and taken it and been rich again, but nooooo, Stephen has to be in some Spanish marsh by Tuesday. The men are displeased.
To top it all off, the meeting in the marsh is a disaster. The guy who set it up, Professor Graham, is kind of a doofus. His spyhat is all whacked out. He organized them to meet in an uninhabited marsh in the middle of the night. So everyone's wandering around without lights and holding guns, and it was only a matter of time before BANG! Someone gets scared and shoots someone else. Except it was Graham. He shot himself in the foot like a dip, but all the other spies meeting up get scared and fire randomly in the dark, bringing down the night watch on them. Stephen manages to get himself and Graham out without much trouble, because Stephen is a badass. I think most of the other spies got caught.
The next mission is great! Jack had been captain of this enormous ship called the Worcester (wooooo-ster!) and hated it. It was too big, he didn't know the names of all his men, and it handled like a VW mini-bus. And he's given the good old Surprise! And *and* he gets to handpick his crew. He's in heaven. Sadly, the play and the oratorio must go by the wayside, but that's small loss for the return of a happy ship!
His mission now is to visit three different Turkish guys and decide which one will help the British cause and give that guy some cannons and military support, and in return, the Turkish guy will give the British port privileges and help fight the French. Graham is coming along as an interpreter and as a guide in Turkish customs. Babbington is coming along in the Dryad for... um... moral support? I think it's as a messenger ship or something. I dunno, I read through that quickly.
Turkish Guy #1
TG1: Hello. I am crafty and political. Have some Turkish food.
Jack: Hi. I'm Jack! I'm culturally illiterate! Your food is excellent!
Graham: Don't compliment him too much. That might make us look like we're going with him too soon.
Jack: Nice palace you've got here! Cool! That thing is shiny!
TG1: I shall make it a present for you. Then you will give us cannons! Haha!
Graham: No, no! Um, um, today is a very unlucky day for British people to receive gifts.
TG1: Really?
Jack: YEAH! It's Bad Gift Day. I couldn't accept anything. No matter how shiny.
TG1: *sigh* Too bad. So how about those cannons?
Jack: Well, what kind of support could you give us against the French?
TG1: Um. My vast numbers of soldiers are... uh... off defending our borders. Yeah, that's the ticket.
Jack: Right. How vast is vast?
TG1: MORE THAN A THOUSAND ARMIES OF ANTS!
Jack: But they aren't here now?
TG1: Sadly, no.
Jack: 'K. I'll keep that in mind. What do you think about the other two guys I have to meet?
TG1: THEY ARE TRAITORS AND WILL KILL YOU! Also they smell like rat feces.
Jack: Thank you for your time.
TG1: Of course.
Then Jack meets up with Babbs, who has somehow acquired about 30-40 women on his ship.
Jack: Babbs!
Babbs: Yes, sir?
Jack: You seem to be running a floating brothel!
Babbs: No, no sir! These are Lesbians!
Jack: So?
Babbs: We saved them from pirates and are taking them home to Lesbos!
Jack: Right then. Carry on.
Babbs, you crafty old soul.
Turkish Guy #2
TG2: Hello! I am a pirate! Arrrr! Also very fat.
Jack: Hello! I'm Jack! I'm a captain. I am not so fat.
TG2: Let us talk about ships!
Jack: Let's!
Graham: Shouldn't you talk about the cannons?
TG2: Yes! I would love some cannons! But I already have a HUUUUGE cannon on my deck. Wanna see?
Jack: DO I? *BOUND!* Cooool...shiny...
Cannon: I am enormous and throw 36 pound balls. I am the shitfuckingupest.
TG2: We could really hurt the French with this bad boy.
Graham: But what's keeping you from turning on the British?
TG2: Um.... um.... I like your food better?
Jack: *stealthy* I don't think that's a very good reason.
TG2: Um... um... hey look! A bird! *escape!*
Jack: Where's Stephen? He loves birds! Hey! Where did TG2 go? Oh well.
Rendez-vous with Babbs, who is transporting the grieving widow of his second cousin's best friend's brother who was in the Navy and took a cannonball to the eye with fatal results. Purely Platonic! Seriously! Also he is transporting her lady friends. What wouldn't Babbs do for a fellow officer? I ask you.
Turkish Guy #3
TG3: Hello. I am a priest and not too bad a guy.
Jack: Hi! I'm Jack! I'm a Christian and a GREAT guy.
TG3: I am concerned for the welfare of my people.
Jack: *I'm* concerned for the welfare of *my* people! We have so much in common!
Graham: Don't give in just yet, Jack. We need to negotiate.
Jack: Right, right. So, what's so great about your town?
TG3: Well, come up to my cliff fortress and see what you see.
Jack: Your fortress looks pretty scary, with those twenty cannons lined up there.
TG3: Look a little closer.
Cannons: We are made of wood and do not fire. We are so useless.
Jack: d00d! You're in trouble!
TG3: I *know*! Please, for the love of all that is holy, save us with your cannons and mad sailor skillz!
Jack: I WILL!
Graham: *facepalm*
So Jack and company make the town ready for war and are waiting for the transports with troops. And waiting and waiting and waiting, but then! They hear that Turkish Guy #2 has gone back to piracy and has taken their transports! Oh no! So Jack finally, FINALLY gets to have a naval battle. It's pretty awesome. Especially with the 36-lb cannonballs flying around. They seem to have an affinity for Jack, and two of them miss him by inches.
Ionian Mission ends with Jack and the crew of Surprise sinking TG2's ship and taking his consort. Babbs is nowhere in sight. Probably saving women from their tight corsets or something. Go Babbs.
ETA: It has only just now occured to me that not everyone will understand that in the above text, I am refering to the island nation of Lesbos, not the somewhat derogatory term applied to female homosexuals in the present day. Humblest apologies to any who were offended, may be offended, or were not previously but are now offended. Please don't hurt me. Or report me to the FCC. 'Cause the FCC are bitches.
ETA2: In refering to the FCC as bitches, it was not my intention to offend any female dogs. Humblest apologies to all female dogs and those who own and love them.