fic: This Isn't Just Goodbye.
This Isn't Just Goodbye (this is I can't stand you).
pg. original. 3,000 words. for theepiccek
It’s what he remembers the most-- the fact they were both runners. They’re both cowards at the best of times.
"Do you love him?"
It should be a simple question, but for her, it isn't. Nothing is ever simple. Her life is built upon complexities and struggles, and so she digs her toes into the gravel beneath her. He notices this, knows it's her way of escaping. If she could, she'd dig a hole with her toes to run away from him, from this conversation and all the memories they share. It’s what he remembers the most-- the fact they were both runners. They’re both cowards at the best of times.
She shrugs after the silence becomes awkward. "Maybe. I don't know.... I could, you know, in time." She doesn't meet his eyes but starts walking away. The sadness in her voice nearly catches in her throat as she says, "It's none of your business anymore, bobby."
--
She hates spring.
There’s no reason behind it, and she knows it's stupid to hate a name for something, but there are certain things she allows herself to hate. Raw broccoli, for instance, and seeing people walk over earthworms after an early morning rain. Save the worms; they never did anything wrong.
The problem with Lainey is that she trusts too much. Despite the heartache, she still believes there's something good inside of everyone. (and for a long time, she believe that he could be the one. she got over this, of course, years later. it's hard to remember your feelings for someone when you can't remember their face.)
--
There are events, little things that shape who we are as people. For Lainey, loving and losing Bobby Carter was it. It was the first crucial thing to ever affect her. She watched in heartbreak as bobby dated the various girls in her school, and listened to the rumors and stories people would spread. They built bobby up to be some superstar, some jock who dated only to get laid. She knew it wasn't true, knew that bobby was better than that. Bobby always told her he hated those guys; He told her that all he really wanted was to find someone to love, someone to share everything with.
They dated, briefly, even though they both knew it was destined to fail. There was a part of lainey that thought, well maybe... but it was the same irrational part of her that thought true love could find someone at sixteen. She felt like she was sixteen for the longest time, like she would never evolve into the person she so desperately wanted to be.
Lainey was just a normal girl. Her parents were still married; she had a dog and a younger sister. For all intents and purposes, she was happy. But regardless of how others saw her, she still felt empty. She still yearned for the extra something.
--
"What are you looking at?" Jesse asked from across the room.
Lainey didn't have to look up to see his lips curl in amusement. She was sitting on his bed and tracing the water droplets that fell against the window. "Headlights," she replied. "I like them." The brightness of the lights reflected against the water that fell from the sky in the dark night. "I like to think about where the people in those cars are headed, what they're doing out at this time at night."
Jesse laughed. He always told her she was a little strange. Lainey denied it: I just see things differently, she said. But regardless if her boyfriend thought she was less sane then he was, he did care. He walked over to her and placed a light kiss against her temple. Brushing hair from her face, he just smiled.
Things between them were good. They were juniors in college, and had been dating for the past year. They both lived in the moment, scared to think about what the future could bring. They both knew that people change, and not always together. But he loved her, and he believed she loved him too. Lainey didn't know what to call it. She hated the term, hated that it was said so easily and dismissed so readily. She always thought that love would be different, that it would feel different-- bigger, encompassing, like she wouldn't be able to breathe when he looked her in the eyes. All she felt were some butterflies in her stomach, a nervousness that overtook her when things got intimate.
Lainey didn't complain. She was lucky to find someone she could talk to, someone who wouldn't hurt her. She hadn't thought about her high school boyfriends, particularly bobby, in a long time. And yet something about cars driving in the middle of the night made her think of his name. But then the fleeting thoughts were lost, and bobby remained locked away in her past.
--
Attending Syracuse University yielded two things that lainey took to heart: one, was that winter began in November and ended around March. Winter meant snow and scarves and huddling next to others for warmth. She liked winter. She liked the snow and the way everything reflected white-- a clean slate.
The other aspect of Syracuse that she loved was the ability to get lost within the crowd. Her campus was one of the largest around, and she welcomed the fact that she could walk around, anonymous to the faces around her. She liked to watch people, see the differences and unique traits that people displayed unknowingly. She was doing this, unaware of her surroundings, when a body crept next to her and laid his hand on her shoulder.
"Lainey?" the voice asked, foreign and unsure.
She turned around, caught off guard and nearly choked on the breath that escaped from her lungs so quickly. It was Bobby. It was him. She studied his face, changed so much from the three and half years they spent apart. He was taller now, lean but with broad shoulders. In high school he was just a normal boy. But now, standing in front of her, she barely recognized him.
"I barely recognized you," she said. "Jesus, hi. Wh-what are you doing here?"
He smiled. "I know; it's been awhile. I completely forgot you even went here. I, um, I just transferred. This semester, actually." There was a silence that caught between them, the kind that falls in conversations between two strangers. It’s what they were now. They weren't the same people they were in high school, and that was clear to both of them. Bobby smiled at the awkwardness. "I can't really talk right now, but we should catch up. I mean... it would be nice. I would really like it."
"Yeah," Lainey nodded. "Yeah that's a good idea. I’d like that too."
And with no more than a smile, Bobby left. She couldn't believe that happened, couldn't believe the irony of seeing him. He was supposed to be in a completely different state, half way around the country from her. And yet, she thinks about him for an instant, the first time in nearly a year, and bumps into him the following day. Lainey never liked to believe in fate, always thought that you made your own luck, but this? This was different. She had no words to describe it.
--
"It’s all I know, you know? I mean, I’m not smart. I can't handle being stuck in an office all day long." Bobby was explaining how he came to be here, how his life had changed in the years they had spent apart. They agreed to meet in a coffee shop on campus, just the two of them, to catch up-- as if it were that simple, as if there weren't a thousand memories going through both of their minds, questions piling up and threatening to spill over their tongues. "The only thing I was ever good at was sports. And since I’m not the best, I figure hey-- I might as well teach and get to spend all my afternoons coaching kids and making them love sports as much as I do." He paused, "I just... I don't want to be like my parents, you know? I don't want to be stuck."
Lainey nodded, surprised by his intense honesty and vulnerability. "I know," she said, "sometimes I know exactly what I want, and then others..." she trails off, looking him in the eyes. "Do you ever feel like sometimes you're doing it all wrong? Like you don't even know how to be yourself?"
Bobby smiled, the familiar arrogance of high school creeping up on him. "You haven't changed at all."
"Yes I have," she said abruptly. "That’s not true; I have changed." She paused. "I’m a different person now, bobby. You don't know me."
There was a slight frown that tugged at his lips, and he apologized. The familiar roles they used to share were trying to control him. He hated that he could fall into old routines so easily. Lainey's hand was sitting on the table and he reached out to place his over it. She recoiled. He apologized again.
"I’m sorry," he says. "Things... I’m not the same anymore either. Seeing you the other day, it reminded me of how much of an asshole I was. I hurt you. I hurt a lot of people. I can't take back what I’ve done, but I can promise that I’m not the same."
"I don't want promises, Bobby. You lost my trust a long time ago, but I forgave you. What’s done is done."
--
And so it went like this: Bobby and Lainey were in love. They were the high school sweethearts destined to marry in the end, even though they both denied it. But he was scared, scared that things got too heavy, too fast. When you're a kid, all you do is think about the future, think about the what if's and maybe's. Bobby couldn't see past high school, and he didn't want to drag lainey down with him, through whatever trash he had to wade through to become the person he wanted to be.
So he cheated on her. She forgave him, so he dumped her and told her he never loved her. At first, she tried not to believe it. She knew what they felt was real. But as the weeks and months went by and Bobby never called, never looked at her, never even showed any indication that she was ever apart of his life. She let the lies create a hole inside of her. The love that she felt remained, even if it wasn't returned. And she lived her days like this-- yearning for something that she was told was never there to begin with.
When Bobby returned, she was glad that she felt nothing. She felt nostalgia, but the emotions, the love that went with it, had dissolved. Bobby, on the other hand, was different. Bobby did love her. In fact, he never stopped loving her. It was a secret he carried with him, one he had never admitted to anyone.
--
"You’re avoiding me."
"I’m not. I just don't have a reason to talk to you."
"Listen, it wasn't my idea to come here and try to get you back. I didn't even know you went to this school. But I can't pretend that this just means nothing. I can't pretend that I don't still have feelings for you."
Lainey scoffed. "Please, Bobby. You have feelings for anything that walks on two legs." he was silent, and she knew she upset him. She shifted her weight, relaxed. "I’m with somebody else. You made your choice, and I’m happy now. He makes me happy... something you haven't done in a very long time."
"I did once, you know."
Lainey softened. "No. No, you only hurt me."
"Do you love him?"
"I don't know." She lies, for the satisfaction: "yes."
--
Jesse says she's been acting weird. She denies it. "I’m just busy. It’s fine." he knows it's a lie, but doesn't press. They’re better off when they're not fighting. And lainey is like a closed book most of the time; she never opens up to anyone.
The weeks go by and Lainey tries to forget. She avoids the places where she thinks she'll run into Bobby, does her best to keep busy. The stress of his confessions and the guilt of her lies have been taking its toll and she can't keep track of the days. Memories creep up in her mind and she doesn't know what to feel. She thinks of herself as a contradiction-- once in love and then disgusted by the lack of conversation over time. She wants to believe that things could have been different, but her mind goes over the facts enough to determine that whoever she was before is not the person she is today.
To get away from thinking about loves lost and future loves damned, Lainey takes Jesse to a party. Syracuse is full of them and the city is thriving more so at night than at dawn. She likes watching people, likes watching couples and noticing the simple details that makes them unique. She tries to compare their lives to her own, but always comes up short. Jesse doesn't touch her in public like others do, and the pulse of his hand against hers has been weakening ever since he told her he loved her.
They’re in one of the various fraternity houses when Bobby appears out of the corner of her eye. She hopes he doesn't see her, but when he starts walking toward her she asks Jesse to get her a drink. He does, leaving her alone. Bobby sees this, understands it's meaning and grabs Lainey by the arm. He leads her to a part of the house away from the crowd and his eyes are so glazed over she thinks it useless to even fight against him.
"Bobby, you're drunk. What are you doing?"
"I need to talk to you." He was insistent, trying hard not to slur his words. "Do you remember... in high school? I mean, do you remember back then?"
"Remember what?"
"Just... us. When we were together. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. I fucked up, lainey. I fucked up a lot." She tries to stop him, knowing where the conversation was headed. This wasn't right, wasn't the right time or place to talk about it. In fact, she never wanted to talk about it. She had accepted the truth; she had gotten past it.
"I’m sorry. I’m sorry for cheating on you and hurting you. I never meant it," he continued. "I was just... it was so much, you know? Like, I can't even explain it. All I know is that I loved you then and I still love you. You’re the one I compare all the girls to and no one has ever touched you. Those chicks... they're just fucking useless. I mean, there's nothing there. You’re the one. You’re the one I want."
Lainey let her hand cover her eyes. She couldn't look at him; he was a wreck. Everything he was saying she had heard before, hundreds of time and all in her head. She had thought about the various ways he would come back. She thought about the contradictions he made and how it never made any sense. She daydreamed that he would come back from nowhere and sweep her off her feet. But now she felt it was too late. Three years was too late when she had already convinced herself that there was nothing between them in the first place.
She was surprised at how little she felt toward him, even in his vulnerable state. Here was a boy who she had loved her whole life, finally telling her that he loved her too, and she wasn't moved. Her eyes were filling with tears but not from happiness or relief-- it was regret, regret for him.
"I’m sorry, Bobby. But I don't love you anymore. I wish you could have realized this years ago, when you were still apart of me. But the truth is, I’ll never feel for you what I once did. It’s never going to be the same. I’m sorry, really, I am. I can't be with you."
--
The night of the party was the end of everything between them. They never spoke again. There were a few times where they would run into each other and exchange a simple hello, a how are you that was left unanswered because it was far too complicated.
It took her awhile, but Lainey eventually broke up with Jesse. Seeing Bobby again and listening to his confession made her realize that she didn't love Jesse either. If she didn't feel that way after a year, she was sure that her feelings would never amount to anything more. Jesse tried to argue, tried to make her see that she just didn't recognize love when she felt it. But it wasn't enough. She knew what she wanted to feel, and being with Jesse only held her back.
In the end, she was alone. But the comfort of knowing what she wanted and finally being able to achieve it was worth the loneliness she felt. Love was something large, something so grand that not one person could ever describe its fullness to another. Lainey knew it was out there, and she knew that one day she would find it.
She still thought of Bobby and Jesse from time to time. But it was a happy nostalgia that she felt. She was glad to know those people because they helped shape her life. They helped reach her to this point. At the end of the day, Lainey knew that all that mattered was being able to say you were proud of who you were. Maybe she had made some mistakes, and maybe those mistakes hurt other people, but she wouldn't compromise what she had finally obtained now. She wouldn't trade it in for anything in the world.
pg. original. 3,000 words. for theepiccek
It’s what he remembers the most-- the fact they were both runners. They’re both cowards at the best of times.
"Do you love him?"
It should be a simple question, but for her, it isn't. Nothing is ever simple. Her life is built upon complexities and struggles, and so she digs her toes into the gravel beneath her. He notices this, knows it's her way of escaping. If she could, she'd dig a hole with her toes to run away from him, from this conversation and all the memories they share. It’s what he remembers the most-- the fact they were both runners. They’re both cowards at the best of times.
She shrugs after the silence becomes awkward. "Maybe. I don't know.... I could, you know, in time." She doesn't meet his eyes but starts walking away. The sadness in her voice nearly catches in her throat as she says, "It's none of your business anymore, bobby."
--
She hates spring.
There’s no reason behind it, and she knows it's stupid to hate a name for something, but there are certain things she allows herself to hate. Raw broccoli, for instance, and seeing people walk over earthworms after an early morning rain. Save the worms; they never did anything wrong.
The problem with Lainey is that she trusts too much. Despite the heartache, she still believes there's something good inside of everyone. (and for a long time, she believe that he could be the one. she got over this, of course, years later. it's hard to remember your feelings for someone when you can't remember their face.)
--
There are events, little things that shape who we are as people. For Lainey, loving and losing Bobby Carter was it. It was the first crucial thing to ever affect her. She watched in heartbreak as bobby dated the various girls in her school, and listened to the rumors and stories people would spread. They built bobby up to be some superstar, some jock who dated only to get laid. She knew it wasn't true, knew that bobby was better than that. Bobby always told her he hated those guys; He told her that all he really wanted was to find someone to love, someone to share everything with.
They dated, briefly, even though they both knew it was destined to fail. There was a part of lainey that thought, well maybe... but it was the same irrational part of her that thought true love could find someone at sixteen. She felt like she was sixteen for the longest time, like she would never evolve into the person she so desperately wanted to be.
Lainey was just a normal girl. Her parents were still married; she had a dog and a younger sister. For all intents and purposes, she was happy. But regardless of how others saw her, she still felt empty. She still yearned for the extra something.
--
"What are you looking at?" Jesse asked from across the room.
Lainey didn't have to look up to see his lips curl in amusement. She was sitting on his bed and tracing the water droplets that fell against the window. "Headlights," she replied. "I like them." The brightness of the lights reflected against the water that fell from the sky in the dark night. "I like to think about where the people in those cars are headed, what they're doing out at this time at night."
Jesse laughed. He always told her she was a little strange. Lainey denied it: I just see things differently, she said. But regardless if her boyfriend thought she was less sane then he was, he did care. He walked over to her and placed a light kiss against her temple. Brushing hair from her face, he just smiled.
Things between them were good. They were juniors in college, and had been dating for the past year. They both lived in the moment, scared to think about what the future could bring. They both knew that people change, and not always together. But he loved her, and he believed she loved him too. Lainey didn't know what to call it. She hated the term, hated that it was said so easily and dismissed so readily. She always thought that love would be different, that it would feel different-- bigger, encompassing, like she wouldn't be able to breathe when he looked her in the eyes. All she felt were some butterflies in her stomach, a nervousness that overtook her when things got intimate.
Lainey didn't complain. She was lucky to find someone she could talk to, someone who wouldn't hurt her. She hadn't thought about her high school boyfriends, particularly bobby, in a long time. And yet something about cars driving in the middle of the night made her think of his name. But then the fleeting thoughts were lost, and bobby remained locked away in her past.
--
Attending Syracuse University yielded two things that lainey took to heart: one, was that winter began in November and ended around March. Winter meant snow and scarves and huddling next to others for warmth. She liked winter. She liked the snow and the way everything reflected white-- a clean slate.
The other aspect of Syracuse that she loved was the ability to get lost within the crowd. Her campus was one of the largest around, and she welcomed the fact that she could walk around, anonymous to the faces around her. She liked to watch people, see the differences and unique traits that people displayed unknowingly. She was doing this, unaware of her surroundings, when a body crept next to her and laid his hand on her shoulder.
"Lainey?" the voice asked, foreign and unsure.
She turned around, caught off guard and nearly choked on the breath that escaped from her lungs so quickly. It was Bobby. It was him. She studied his face, changed so much from the three and half years they spent apart. He was taller now, lean but with broad shoulders. In high school he was just a normal boy. But now, standing in front of her, she barely recognized him.
"I barely recognized you," she said. "Jesus, hi. Wh-what are you doing here?"
He smiled. "I know; it's been awhile. I completely forgot you even went here. I, um, I just transferred. This semester, actually." There was a silence that caught between them, the kind that falls in conversations between two strangers. It’s what they were now. They weren't the same people they were in high school, and that was clear to both of them. Bobby smiled at the awkwardness. "I can't really talk right now, but we should catch up. I mean... it would be nice. I would really like it."
"Yeah," Lainey nodded. "Yeah that's a good idea. I’d like that too."
And with no more than a smile, Bobby left. She couldn't believe that happened, couldn't believe the irony of seeing him. He was supposed to be in a completely different state, half way around the country from her. And yet, she thinks about him for an instant, the first time in nearly a year, and bumps into him the following day. Lainey never liked to believe in fate, always thought that you made your own luck, but this? This was different. She had no words to describe it.
--
"It’s all I know, you know? I mean, I’m not smart. I can't handle being stuck in an office all day long." Bobby was explaining how he came to be here, how his life had changed in the years they had spent apart. They agreed to meet in a coffee shop on campus, just the two of them, to catch up-- as if it were that simple, as if there weren't a thousand memories going through both of their minds, questions piling up and threatening to spill over their tongues. "The only thing I was ever good at was sports. And since I’m not the best, I figure hey-- I might as well teach and get to spend all my afternoons coaching kids and making them love sports as much as I do." He paused, "I just... I don't want to be like my parents, you know? I don't want to be stuck."
Lainey nodded, surprised by his intense honesty and vulnerability. "I know," she said, "sometimes I know exactly what I want, and then others..." she trails off, looking him in the eyes. "Do you ever feel like sometimes you're doing it all wrong? Like you don't even know how to be yourself?"
Bobby smiled, the familiar arrogance of high school creeping up on him. "You haven't changed at all."
"Yes I have," she said abruptly. "That’s not true; I have changed." She paused. "I’m a different person now, bobby. You don't know me."
There was a slight frown that tugged at his lips, and he apologized. The familiar roles they used to share were trying to control him. He hated that he could fall into old routines so easily. Lainey's hand was sitting on the table and he reached out to place his over it. She recoiled. He apologized again.
"I’m sorry," he says. "Things... I’m not the same anymore either. Seeing you the other day, it reminded me of how much of an asshole I was. I hurt you. I hurt a lot of people. I can't take back what I’ve done, but I can promise that I’m not the same."
"I don't want promises, Bobby. You lost my trust a long time ago, but I forgave you. What’s done is done."
--
And so it went like this: Bobby and Lainey were in love. They were the high school sweethearts destined to marry in the end, even though they both denied it. But he was scared, scared that things got too heavy, too fast. When you're a kid, all you do is think about the future, think about the what if's and maybe's. Bobby couldn't see past high school, and he didn't want to drag lainey down with him, through whatever trash he had to wade through to become the person he wanted to be.
So he cheated on her. She forgave him, so he dumped her and told her he never loved her. At first, she tried not to believe it. She knew what they felt was real. But as the weeks and months went by and Bobby never called, never looked at her, never even showed any indication that she was ever apart of his life. She let the lies create a hole inside of her. The love that she felt remained, even if it wasn't returned. And she lived her days like this-- yearning for something that she was told was never there to begin with.
When Bobby returned, she was glad that she felt nothing. She felt nostalgia, but the emotions, the love that went with it, had dissolved. Bobby, on the other hand, was different. Bobby did love her. In fact, he never stopped loving her. It was a secret he carried with him, one he had never admitted to anyone.
--
"You’re avoiding me."
"I’m not. I just don't have a reason to talk to you."
"Listen, it wasn't my idea to come here and try to get you back. I didn't even know you went to this school. But I can't pretend that this just means nothing. I can't pretend that I don't still have feelings for you."
Lainey scoffed. "Please, Bobby. You have feelings for anything that walks on two legs." he was silent, and she knew she upset him. She shifted her weight, relaxed. "I’m with somebody else. You made your choice, and I’m happy now. He makes me happy... something you haven't done in a very long time."
"I did once, you know."
Lainey softened. "No. No, you only hurt me."
"Do you love him?"
"I don't know." She lies, for the satisfaction: "yes."
--
Jesse says she's been acting weird. She denies it. "I’m just busy. It’s fine." he knows it's a lie, but doesn't press. They’re better off when they're not fighting. And lainey is like a closed book most of the time; she never opens up to anyone.
The weeks go by and Lainey tries to forget. She avoids the places where she thinks she'll run into Bobby, does her best to keep busy. The stress of his confessions and the guilt of her lies have been taking its toll and she can't keep track of the days. Memories creep up in her mind and she doesn't know what to feel. She thinks of herself as a contradiction-- once in love and then disgusted by the lack of conversation over time. She wants to believe that things could have been different, but her mind goes over the facts enough to determine that whoever she was before is not the person she is today.
To get away from thinking about loves lost and future loves damned, Lainey takes Jesse to a party. Syracuse is full of them and the city is thriving more so at night than at dawn. She likes watching people, likes watching couples and noticing the simple details that makes them unique. She tries to compare their lives to her own, but always comes up short. Jesse doesn't touch her in public like others do, and the pulse of his hand against hers has been weakening ever since he told her he loved her.
They’re in one of the various fraternity houses when Bobby appears out of the corner of her eye. She hopes he doesn't see her, but when he starts walking toward her she asks Jesse to get her a drink. He does, leaving her alone. Bobby sees this, understands it's meaning and grabs Lainey by the arm. He leads her to a part of the house away from the crowd and his eyes are so glazed over she thinks it useless to even fight against him.
"Bobby, you're drunk. What are you doing?"
"I need to talk to you." He was insistent, trying hard not to slur his words. "Do you remember... in high school? I mean, do you remember back then?"
"Remember what?"
"Just... us. When we were together. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. I fucked up, lainey. I fucked up a lot." She tries to stop him, knowing where the conversation was headed. This wasn't right, wasn't the right time or place to talk about it. In fact, she never wanted to talk about it. She had accepted the truth; she had gotten past it.
"I’m sorry. I’m sorry for cheating on you and hurting you. I never meant it," he continued. "I was just... it was so much, you know? Like, I can't even explain it. All I know is that I loved you then and I still love you. You’re the one I compare all the girls to and no one has ever touched you. Those chicks... they're just fucking useless. I mean, there's nothing there. You’re the one. You’re the one I want."
Lainey let her hand cover her eyes. She couldn't look at him; he was a wreck. Everything he was saying she had heard before, hundreds of time and all in her head. She had thought about the various ways he would come back. She thought about the contradictions he made and how it never made any sense. She daydreamed that he would come back from nowhere and sweep her off her feet. But now she felt it was too late. Three years was too late when she had already convinced herself that there was nothing between them in the first place.
She was surprised at how little she felt toward him, even in his vulnerable state. Here was a boy who she had loved her whole life, finally telling her that he loved her too, and she wasn't moved. Her eyes were filling with tears but not from happiness or relief-- it was regret, regret for him.
"I’m sorry, Bobby. But I don't love you anymore. I wish you could have realized this years ago, when you were still apart of me. But the truth is, I’ll never feel for you what I once did. It’s never going to be the same. I’m sorry, really, I am. I can't be with you."
--
The night of the party was the end of everything between them. They never spoke again. There were a few times where they would run into each other and exchange a simple hello, a how are you that was left unanswered because it was far too complicated.
It took her awhile, but Lainey eventually broke up with Jesse. Seeing Bobby again and listening to his confession made her realize that she didn't love Jesse either. If she didn't feel that way after a year, she was sure that her feelings would never amount to anything more. Jesse tried to argue, tried to make her see that she just didn't recognize love when she felt it. But it wasn't enough. She knew what she wanted to feel, and being with Jesse only held her back.
In the end, she was alone. But the comfort of knowing what she wanted and finally being able to achieve it was worth the loneliness she felt. Love was something large, something so grand that not one person could ever describe its fullness to another. Lainey knew it was out there, and she knew that one day she would find it.
She still thought of Bobby and Jesse from time to time. But it was a happy nostalgia that she felt. She was glad to know those people because they helped shape her life. They helped reach her to this point. At the end of the day, Lainey knew that all that mattered was being able to say you were proud of who you were. Maybe she had made some mistakes, and maybe those mistakes hurt other people, but she wouldn't compromise what she had finally obtained now. She wouldn't trade it in for anything in the world.