Could this get published?

[inevitably_grey]

So I finishedh the multi-poem. I'd like candid, direct comments on it, as I'm intending to send it in for a poetry magazine:

How does the form work? Do you think I should use different forms for some of the parts (parts split up in roman numbers)? Where does the enjambment seem to hinder the rhythm / work against the overal rhythm? Should I re-

Comments

[adfenestration]

Ooh, I like it! The whole multi-poem seems very natural to me, like nature. There seems to be a lot of nature imagery, which is great. I also like how your describe substantial things such as columns and rocks as weary and falling apart (even if they aren't in the light).

I think that maybe 'the rocks fall apart' is a bit too spaced out from the rest of the poem. I didn't even notice that line until I read the poem again, although I do think it's cool for that line to be spaced. Also, is 'sircles' supposed to be 'circles'?

I do love VI. The lamplight imagery is beautiful, I can see the light spreading through the dark and a man stepping into it. It's interesting how he's described as a star. I imagine that's why he's sacred; stars are so far away, we can't reach them, and they're so illuminating.

[inevitably_grey]

Hee, it did, didn't it? All I can say is: it [As the rocks fall apart] looked okay in word. Er . . .

No other nit?

Thank you for your comment. Always appreciated: you speak what comes to you first, the overal feeling, rather than going to extreme analyses, and that's great. :D

[closetmonkeyxo]

Oh, it gave me chills! II and IV are my favorites.

I love the imagery it creates. It's all rather soft and compelling, and seamlessly ties into nature. It feels so natural to read unlike some poetry which creates such improbable things to make you feel the meaning. Your poem however simply tells the beauty rather than uses fancy literary tricks to make it in the reader's mind. It feels real.

~MJ~

[inevitably_grey]

Thank ya.

[inevitably_grey]

That said, I must say there are a lot of poetical devices in that poem. Probably more than I've ever used. The trick is to try to hide them. ;)

[cardiffwizard]

What's with the format, and the hemistichomythia? For me it doesn't do anything, rendering it pointless.

"sig-sag" and "sircles"? where they used to creative something to enhance the poem, fair enough, but z and c (when representing an s sound) are sibilants anyway, so no need to manipulated if that was the intention.

I don't think the individual sections are needed either, same with the numerals. Not all of the sections would really stand up well alone, were they considered separate and part of something thing bigger.

Broken 3 times in the first part, and fall apart in the second? That is bordering on madness, perhaps one repeat, but two and you've lost value, much like exclamation marks. One makes the point; two occasionally adds to it, but three and you're just being stupid...

And there was more I wanted to say, but I have a date with Richard E Grant, Paul McGann and Richard Griffiths in Withnail & I, and it would be rude to keep them waiting.

But I shall return later, assuming I don't fall asleep.

[inevitably_grey]

Thank you for the exact reply I hoped for. sircles = spelling error. No manipulation intended, the reason to create an image only. :)

I know what you mean about the numerals. I'm contemplating moving a few together. The main problem, I think, is that each part's spent too little time upon. And yet, I don't want to continue them. What I've thought about is to a) combine together those parts I see fit, or / and b) add new ones and combine. (I want six parts, though; the sonics in the title work better that way than, say, five would do [Five Ways to Seem Sacred].)

Any other ideas?

Had fun on the date?

[cardiffwizard]

Oh, absolutely! Withnail & I is my favourite film, and Richard E Grant one of my favourite actors

[inevitably_grey]

Just read your comment on Miz's LJ, and realised Whitnail % I was one of the episodes in DW. *headdesk*