Nine Minutes

[incommune]

RIGHT UNDER THE GUN. Challenge for Brigit's Flame. Spec fic. 733 words. This is a concept for the end of a longer story. It's loose, but I couldn't get it to gel in complete form before the deadline and I'd rather write something than nothing so here goes, and let's hope I have more of it in the next week, eh?

Comments

[lolafalola]

The imagery here was well done. I could imagine some of the changes that were happening at the end.

This was a very interesting piece. I would love to see the longer story.

[prettycannibal]

Hi, I'm Ashleigh and I'll be one of your editors. c:

This story was rather genius. I just want to drool a bit over your imagery, because it's fantastic. You have a really great way of describing things, as well -- this scene was very clear in my head. There are several sentences -- the last one especially -- that are very profound. I loved the way that you incorporated the week's theme; it was very creative. I really liked Naome's character and her history; the only thing that bothered me about her is that I wanted to know more!

"It made the inside of her lungs prickle the way her legs used to after a marathon storytelling session with her grandfather."

I had to reread this sentence a few times because the mention of her legs prickling paired with the word "marathon" made me think of her running a marathon rather than listening to -- or perhaps telling -- a lot of stories. It isn't a big deal, really, but it may save your readers a bit of confusion if you reworded it a bit. c:

"With hands shaking as the frantic adrenaline of the

[incommune]

Hey, thanks! I'm glad at least the imagery came through clearly, because really, I was just throwing as much of the concept into this as I could get down because I had the half-formed story in mah brain but wanted to enter it anyway. It's really a much longer thing, wherein I hope a lot of that will be explained (the biggest example - which I didn't even realize I hadn't mentioned here - was that her 'grandfather' is part of her adoptive family IN Wetherwen >.<). It's good to hear the major things that were confusing about this slap-dash end-scene, because that will help me focus and remember what I need to keep as clear points throughout the thing when I open it up and flesh it out. I get so lost sometimes XD.

Thanks again, glad you enjoyed it!

Edit

[vyvyan_wilde]

Hello, I’m your second week three editor!
The previous editor made a lot of good points that I agree with, and I tried not to repeat them with my suggestions.

“With hands shaking as the frantic adrenaline of the descent off the giant Triministry monolith swamped into exhaustion”
-I read this sentence several times and I still don’t feel like a understand it; could it be simplified or rephrased?

“Pa Wilson had never told Naome what anyone else thought the numbers were, only the truth of them.”
-This sentence too I think could be rephrased and made more clear. Maybe you could say something like “Many people thought they knew what the numbers meant, but Naome only knew the truth Pa Wilson had told her.”

“Having brought it along on her endeavor was like having Pa Wilson with her at every step; he had taught her everything and when the Ministry officiators finally caught up with his dissension of the cause, they killed him, but never suspected his little girl.”-I suggest breaking this up into sentences to make the reveal more