Nine Minutes

[incommune]

RIGHT UNDER THE GUN. Challenge for Brigit's Flame. Spec fic. 733 words. This is a concept for the end of a longer story. It's loose, but I couldn't get it to gel in complete form before the deadline and I'd rather write something than nothing so here goes, and let's hope I have more of it in the next week, eh?

Comments

Edit

[vyvyan_wilde]

Hello, I’m your second week three editor!
The previous editor made a lot of good points that I agree with, and I tried not to repeat them with my suggestions.

“With hands shaking as the frantic adrenaline of the descent off the giant Triministry monolith swamped into exhaustion”
-I read this sentence several times and I still don’t feel like a understand it; could it be simplified or rephrased?

“Pa Wilson had never told Naome what anyone else thought the numbers were, only the truth of them.”
-This sentence too I think could be rephrased and made more clear. Maybe you could say something like “Many people thought they knew what the numbers meant, but Naome only knew the truth Pa Wilson had told her.”

“Having brought it along on her endeavor was like having Pa Wilson with her at every step; he had taught her everything and when the Ministry officiators finally caught up with his dissension of the cause, they killed him, but never suspected his little girl.”
-I suggest breaking this up into sentences to make the reveal more powerful: “Having brought it along on her endeavor was like having Pa Wilson with her at every step. He had taught her everything. When the Ministry officiators finally caught up with his dissension of the cause, they killed him, but never suspected his little girl.”

“Even so tender a sound as the gears gently meeting within the metal case half drowned the sound of screaming that filled the air around her.”
-Since “sound” is repeated here, I think you could safely take it out and just have “...half drowned out the screaming that filled the air around her.”

“A man fell at her feet, his flesh dissolving like damp ash, his bones whitening.”
-This is a vivid, poetic image you’ve created.

And that’s all I have! I thought this was a dark but beautiful piece and it was a pleasure to read. Hope the edit was helpful! Please feel free to ask me any questions you may have about it.