''In my heart, There will always be a place For you for all my life'' (one shot)
TITLE: IN MY HEART, THERE WILL ALWAYS BE A PLACE FOR YOU FOR ALL MY LIFE.
PAIRING: Kradam
AUTHOR: Imnotskerrd
DISCLAMER: Not true.
BETA: Kyndstheleo
SUMMARY: ''But now, my heart hurts thinking about tomorrow.That I would break his heart before the day ends,That after tomorrow, we would go our separate ways,All of this would be over.''
I lie awake, stealing a glance at the clock. It screams 2:08 am. My body is so tired, so fucking exhausted from months of touring. I just arrived 6 hours ago and I should be sound asleep. But how am I suppose to, if my mind is running a mile per minute? Knowing, hours from now, everything will change. That I would finally be free. I work on my courage for what seemed like forever and now that I finally have it, why does it feel like I’m not sure anymore? When months ago I couldn’t wait to tell him, to tell the truth. That I found someone else, that I’m in love with someone else. I look at him, the beautiful man laying beside me, peacefully asleep. I was once so madly in love with him and never thought that it would change. How I fall in love with someone else is beyond me, but I did. I started to fall out of love, to just be with him because it was the right thing to do. My mind and heart weren’t with him anymore whenever we’re together, but with someone else’ a few mile away. But now, my heart hurts thinking about tomorrow. That I would break his heart before the day ends, That after tomorrow, we would go our separate ways, All of this would be over.
He’s laying on his side, facing me like he always does. He’s always there for me from the start of my journey, when nobody even cared who I was. He stayed beside me when I started to lose hope and he’s always behind me, pushing me when I stumble along the way.
I never thought that I would make it this far, but he always believes in me. He became my confidant, a pillar to hold on, my strength to go on and most of all, he is a friend. A shoulder to cry on. Always there to paint smile on my face and the one who constantly reminds me that I am loved.
Suddenly my vision blurs, my tears streaming down my face. How did I get so lucky to have him? How dumb am I to let go of this, of what we have? How could I let go of him?
I gently caress his cheek, feeling the warmth of his skin, his love.
"I’m sorry." I whisper. I bit my bottom lip to stop the sound that threatens to come out of it.
I’m sorry that I betrayed you,
I’m sorry that I broke my promise,
I’m sorry that I would break your heart,
I’m sorry that I don’t love you like I used to,
I’m sorry that it wasn’t you that I missed while I’m away,
I’m sorry that, whenever I’m with you, it was him that I think of,
I’m sorry that tonight will be our last, that tomorrow, I would finally say goodbye to you,
And I’m so sorry that I need to end this because I choose him over you.
My mind flew to the moment when he saw me at our door this evening, how his face lit up. He dropped what he was doing and ran to me, hugged me tightly. Kissed me. Whispering how he missed me, how he loved me.
I know that I loved him, still love him. That he would always have a place in my heart. My heart shatters into pieces when he reaches for my hand and twines it with his. I shift so we lay in the spoon style. I don’t want him to see my tears. I rest our twined hands on my chest after giving it a kiss. My eyes still flowing down with tears and I feel him kiss the back of my head. How come we came to this?
My mind lingers for a while, and after my eyes have dried out and my breathing clears, my heart stops pounding and sleep starts to claim me. My eyes flutter and I’m drifting slowly. I could swear I hear him whispering ‘sleep, my love. Tomorrow, everything will be alright, I promise’ before I completely fall asleep.
I open my eyes slowly, feeling the warm rays of sunlight that creeps through the blinds. It’s great to be home, laying in our bed. But I just feel something… different? Normally, I would smell the pancakes, bacon, and coffee. The singing and humming from the kitchen that brings a smile to my face before I even open my eyes. But now, there was none. I suddenly missed how it used to be, and the house is just… unusually quiet.
I roll over to his side and suddenly I want to feel his touch, to hug him and to kiss him. Maybe he is still asleep, tired from our love making last night. But I find it empty. I abruptly sit and look around, but he’s nowhere to be found. It is 8:52 am. I try to tell myself that maybe he's just around and take a walk. But my heart is pounding so hard that I feel it will break my chest. Where is he? Then my heart just sinks when I see a white paper neatly folded on his side table. My hands are shaking when I reach for it. I feel my knees suddenly weaken and I almost fall down to the floor. If it weren’t for the wall that hit my back, I would have fallen. My body is numb as I slide down the wall to the floor as I read his letter, eyes are full of tears.
I hug my arms around my knees and bend my head to rest on it. I can’t stop the tears, it feels like somebody has just ripped my heart out.
This is what I want, what I was planning to do for months now. But why does it hurt so much that I can’t breathe? Do I really want this? Why do I suddenly need to see his face, to feel his hug, his touch, his smile. My eyes darts to the picture that hanging on the wall in front of me. It was us… so happy and in love.
I stay like this for what seem like a century, when it's only hours. I crawl back to our bed… our bed, God, I miss him already. I hug and kiss his pillow. I start to cry shakily as the smell of him fills my nose. I feel my eyelids start to feel heavy and I fall asleep wishing and praying that when I wake up, I can see his face staring down at me, smiling happily.
When I wake up, the sun is starting to set, orange sky painting the horizon. But I don’t want to stand, I want to stay alone. I reach for the letter that is being abandoned on the floor. I start to read it again. There’s no one to blame but myself. He ended my misery, he knows. Of course he does, but as they always say, you really never know what you’ve got till it’s gone. Now, it’s too late… he’s already gone.
*******
Babe, I set you free, not because I want to, or I don’t love you anymore. I go, because I truly love you and I believed that I always will. I know everything, I see it in your eyes. When you look at me, I know you see through me. When I caught you smiling at yourself, like you had just remembered something funny, I know it was because of him. When you hugged me, kissed me, I know that it’s not me that you want to be with. When we are making love, I feel that your body screams for him, not me. I can see it, feel it and it’s killing me. But I just couldn’t bring myself to ask you, to hear the truth from you, to leave you. I just couldn’t give you up, not without a fight. But I feel I’m losing the battle before it even started, because I know you’re falling deeply, I can taste it. I know I need to do something. I don’t want you to suffer, when in my heart I knew exactly what you really wanted. It took a while for me to accept it though, and now.. I’m setting you free. Wherever I may be, know that my heart will always be with you. I love you so much, babe, and I would love to see you happy again. To put that smile and twinkle in your eyes, and I know that he could. I wish you both endless happiness and a blissful life together. I hope that when we see each other again, I have already moved on. It hurts terribly, but knowing that I gave us up for your own happiness, I made the right decision. Just remember, ‘’In my heart, There will always be a place for you for all my life.’’
Love,
ADAM
SEQUEL: IKEEP A PART OF YOU EITH ME