Christmas Cottage commentary
Today I’ve decided to test my strength and endurance by watching The Christmas Cottage.
I feel as if I am going on a long and treacherous journey, fraught with danger and hardship. There will be moments, I know, when I’ll want to give up-when I’ll ask myself why am I doing this and is it even worth it?. There will be moments when I’ll want to cry, tear my hair, shrink away from the unbearable stream of sugary Hallmark moments parading past my screen, but I’ll try to be get through them. I will make it to the end! #braces self#
*It opens with Jared looking hotass with gorgeous hair and a neck that should, by all accounts, be licked. This movie’s already got more going for it than Ten Inch Hero did, since Jared’s fine self is in the first frame while in TIH Jensen showed up four minutes in looking not-so-pretty.
*Jared (well, in the movie he’s named Thomas, but I’m going to call him Jared) is drawing some girl, who, in the gag-inducingly sweet tradition of this movie, is named Hope. From this point on, I’m going to call her Jensen. In my mind, she looks like this.
*Jared tells Jensen he wants Jensen’s shoulder, and tugs Jensen’s sleeve down to bare it. They kiss.
*Bow-chicka-wow-wow music starts up and a disco ball floats down from the roof as Jared lays Jensen down on a bearskin rug and sodomizes him for the next hour-and-a-half, Jared all the while shouting “I have the power!” in tune with his hip thrusts. Here’s a rough approximation of what it looked like. (NSFW)
*That last bullet-point didn’t actually happen, but oh, I wish it had.
*Jared is a drama-queen and puts an X over the drawing because he’s not satisfied with it. He should probably have sex on-camera to make us himself feel better.
*Jared drives a motorcycle on a snowy road with his movie brother in a not-at-all-silly passenger thing on the side as speaking-about-the-past!Jared does a voiceover and says something clichéd about how his life was about to change forever, IDK, I get distracted by that adorable little whistle-y thing he sometimes does when he talks.
*Corny scene going to meet movie!mom and her church choir kids who are “listening to the wind in the trees.” Logic tells me I should be mocking Jared’s adorkable hat and big red scarf, but he looks implausibly pretty in them. HOW DID HE DO THAT
*Even cornier scene with a nosey neighbor whose dog got to tackle Jared and lick his face (which is something I envy deeply. Fucking smug dog).
*Nosey neighbor (who I’m calling NoNo) is played by an eye actor, meaning that the more his eyes bulge out, the better an actor he is. NoNo is an impeccable eye actor.
*Jared: Where on earth are you?
Peter O’Toole: In the corner. Like little Jack Horner.
Me: MAKE IT END. PLEASE MAKE IT END.
*Peter O’Toole is nattering theatrically abut age and emotion and “the summer light in Paris.” It makes me want to shoot myself in the foot, because that would be less painful.
*Jared snoops and finds movie!mom’s foreclosure notice
*NNNGGGHHH, GUYS. HE’S REALLY FRIGGIN PRETTY IN THIS MOVIE. Jared is like Viagra for women.
*OMG, I think I just recognized Jared’s fugly movie!brother! Is that Shawn Ashmore? No! It’s Aaron Ashmore, who it turns out is another CW guy.
*It turns out movie!mom (who I’m calling MoMo) gots to get paid 3G in green money or she’ll be out on her ass, OH NOEZ!
*Fugly!brother: We’re gonna loose the cottage? #wibbleface#
LOLLLLLLLLLLLLL
*Jared + Jersey shirt + bed = ♥____♥
*Battle of the gaudy Christmas lawn ornaments
*Lame bar scene
*Hmm, the town needs a mural painted, Jared is a painter looking for a job…now I think-and I’m just guessing here-I think Jared’s going to be the one to paint the mural.
*Jared painting is unexpectedly HOT. #gulps#
*Peter O’Toole caressed Jared’s face for a long time in that pep-talk scene. I don’t blame him! Also he’s doing some eye-acting of his own. NoNo would be proud.
*Could these characters BE any flatter? Particularly MoMo. Erk, I just want her to say “Fuck!” or fart or something to show she’s not a total Mary Sue.
*LMAO at Jared ordering the dog to sit. I think he was channeling some of him and Jensen’s bedroom-talk: “Jensen, roll over. Good boy!”
…I am a terrible person for saying these things hahahaha
*FUCK, JARED, STOP BEING SO HOT. YOU’RE MAKING ME NOT-HATE THE MOVIE. I FEEL CHEATED OF MY HATE.
*Lame church scene that attempts to be funny but isn’t. I am back to hating the movie! Apparently the only time I can tolerate it is when Jared is on-screen.
*People should call Jared “T-Bone” all the time. Well, that or “Big Papa.” Or “Peen Machine Extreme.”
*Why is it that no matter what show or movie he’s on, someone in Jared’s fake family will try to give him dirty magazines?
*Jared’s movie!dad is pissing me off.
*MOVIE!DAD TRIED TO FONDLE JARED’S LEGENDARY PEEN. I can’t judge him for it, I know I would have done the same.
*I know I’m supposed to be focusing on Jared’s soft tones and sympathetic emo eyes or something, but during the scene where he goes with the old dude to visit old dude’s dead son, all I can think about is JARED’S OUTFIT. OH. OH GOD. IT MAKES JARED LOOK LIKE THE HOTTEST JANITOR EVER IN THE WORLD. I WANT TO JUMP HIM AND, LIKE, BITE HIM ON THE SHOULDER AND THEN RAVISH HIM. LOL, I fail so bad at feeling the srz bzns feelings this scene is supposed to make me feel.
*Jared’s hand takes up ALL OF OLD-GUY’S SHOULDER.
*…If you thought this movie reaction was going to be more than me perving over Jared and ridiculing everything else, I think I must have cleared you of that misconception now, LOL.
*Every scene MoMo is in kills me a little inside with the curious combination of I-don’t-give-a-fuck and so-idealized-it-makes-me-want-to-puke.
*Does it make me a bad person that I laughed when Peter O’Toole messed up the painting and started emo-crying? I think so, yes.
*All of Jared’s soft talking in this movie makes me want him to get pissed off at someone and just GROWL. I am so sick of the emo!
*Uh-oh, is blonde-ex-girlfriend Ninette going to be Jared’s new love interest? I’m going to call her Jensen2.
*Jensen1 senses that Jensen2 might make a move for her man and calls Jared up to say she’s going to pay him a booty-call.
*Movie!dad again shows that he’s an asshat by refusing to pony up some cash so they can keep the family cottage. (LMAO, I giggle every time they say “cottage,” btw.)
*Unfortunately, Jared does not growl.
*Oooh, when Jensen1 didn’t like the mural, I knew she was a goner and the way was clear for Jensen2.
*No wonder Peter O’Toole is losing it, the poor dude’s shut up in a cold dark room all day with paint fumes.
*LMAO melting scenery!
*The one funny scene so far got ruined by a Hallmark speech by, of all people, movie!dad. Jared didn’t even get to beat up bad-wig guy or growl! Way to be a buzzkill. And is he crying? HAHAHAHA, suck it up, emo!daddy!
*Jensen1 gets in on the drama-queen action and tearfully leaves.
*If I have to listen to MoMo speak any more I’ll vomit. She annoys me so much! IT’S THE THIRD FRIGGIN DRAMATIC SYRUPY SPEECH IN THREE MINUTES, GIVE IT A REST!!!
*LOL at the Deeply Meaningful Moment™ the town spends looking at the mural.
*HAAAAA Jared’s having his own sappy moment with Peter O’Toole and Peter’s doing some serious eye-acting, all, like 8o|
*I should be ragging on Jared’s crybaby scene a lot, but Jared cries so PRETTY here (has he been taking lessons from Jensen???). Goddamn it, Jared, don’t you draw me in. DON’T YOU DRAW ME IN WITH YOUR HEARTFELT CRYING, DAMN IT.
*PETER O’TOOLE IS SO LUCKY. I heard if you touch Jared’s tears with your bare skin you de-age, like, 10 years. Also, if Jared kisses you, unicorns will want to be your friends and rainbows will start growing in your backyard. No wonder he’s smiling now!
*THE WHOLE TOWN CAME OUT ON A SNOWY CHRISTMAS MORNING TO HELP MOMO. HELP ME, I’M DYING FROM SUGAR OVERLOAD! ALL OF MY TEETH INSTANTLY GREW CAVITIES AS I WATCHED THIS SCENE.
*When Jared went to get the door right before Peter O’Toole came in and started his spiel about how light lasts forever, NNNGGGHHH, how friggin amazing did Jared look? A LOT.
*GAG ENDING.
*“Love is the brightest light of all”? I am shocked by this innovative and exciting idea. I had never heard that before!
Lastly:
