Crack: OT4 Critter!Verse - Shawshank for Ferrets
More of that OT4 crack. You know, the one with kittens and puppies.
*
The less said about Teyla's two weeks as a rabbit owner, the better. In fact, John's decided that it falls under the heading of seriously traumatic and should be repressed at all costs. He's also decided that rabbits are evil.
Fortunately, they're a well oiled machine, and so within two days of Teyla leaving the house with quiet dignity--half of her hair several inches shorter than the other; her fingers, hands, and forearms dripping blood and in need of stitches; and her head bowed in abject misery--there is no evidence whatsoever that the rabbit was ever there.
Ronon finds it a new home, John sells all the supplies and food via Craigs List, and Rodney...
Well, Rodney viciously berates the ER staff who are sewing up Teyla, and when security escorts him off premises he calls the manager of Pet Smart and threatens her with lawsuits and violence.
"I can build ten WMDs with what's in my garage alone!" he screeches.
John covers his face with his hands; they're so gonna be getting a visit from the government any day now.
But in between all of that, Rodney's got the look on his face that he used to get on Atlantis, when he was working out the details of the latest crazy-brilliant way to save their asses.
Which is how they end up with the ferrets.
*
The ferrets last nine days before making a truly impressive and completely successful break for freedom.
Ronon lays flat on his stomach in front of a small hole in the baseboard behind their cage, which is so large that it takes up half of Teyla's "room".
"Looks like they dug through the wall," Ronon reports.
Rodney runs to his office and comes back with a tangled pile of equipment. They feed a small camera through the hole and follow the obvious trail down to the first floor. Once there they find a tunnel that has been painstakingly dug out and which leads into the backyard. Outside, two small collars have been discarded by the egress point but there are no sign of the ferrets.
John stares at the collars. "Christ. They had to have started that the day we brought them home."
Rodney looks as stunned as John feels. "Oh my god, it's like Shawshank Redemption for ferrets!"
Ronon brings up the most important part of this mess when he asks, "Who's telling Teyla?"
*
They're a well-oiled machine and Teyla's a trooper, so she accepts the loss of the ferrets and the acquisition of the parrot (Ronon's idea) with alacrity. Mostly.
*
Teyla names the parrot Hilden and things start off really well.
First and most importantly: the kittens, which are all adolescents at this point, don't seem all that inclined to chase or hunt Hilden.
John thinks it's the catnip he dosed them with right before Ronon and Rodney brought Hilden into the house. Either that or the catnip that he's been dosing them with on a daily basis since then. (Rodney caught him once, looked like he was about to scream, but then shut his mouth abruptly and nodded; John figures he was remembering Teyla's face when she heard about the ferrets.)
The puppies have apparently adopted John's own laid back attitude and take the new pet in stride.
Hilden calls John Darling and likes to nuzzle her beak against his chin. She perches on Ronon's shoulder and roots under his dreads to groom Berserker (who is getting way too big to hide under there but doesn't seem to realize it). Also? Rodney's not allergic to her, despite his initial fears.
So, yeah, everything's great. Except for the fact that Hilden hates Teyla. Anytime they're in the same room, Hilden attacks Teyla and squawks obscenities, the likes of which John hasn't since he was in charge of two hundred marines, at her. Loudly.
Teyla's stoicism starts to crack along the edges and the rest of them are getting far too good at erasing all traces of a pet's existence from their home.
*
The iguana is in the house less than ten minutes before John is forced to take it, and the supplies, back to the store.
Teyla and Ronon refuse to have it in the house, on account of its resemblance to a highly aggressive and freakishly poisonous animal from the Pegasus Galaxy.
*
The fish die within twelve hours, and that seems to be Teyla's breaking point. She retreats to their bedroom after finding them. Both puppies and all of the kittens--including Berserker, making a rare Ronon-free appearance--join her.
When John looks in on them an hour later (after shoving the fish tank at Ronon and telling him to get rid of it), Teyla is sitting on the floor mediating.
Practically every critter in the house is in her lap.
John stretches out on his side behind her, his thighs pressed against the small of her back. She leans her weight against him and they sit there silently until Rodney and Ronon come in. Rodney's in the middle of a sentence but he breaks off when he sees them on the floor.
Ronon manages to make room on Teyla's lap for his head. Amazingly, he does this without disturbing the puppy and three kittens already there. Rodney slides between John and Teyla and uses John's legs as a backrest. Teyla gives up on meditating at that point and settles against Rodney's chest with a sigh.
*
While Teyla's out the next day, Rodney calls an emergency brain storming session. He holds it in his office and equips himself with a set of whiteboard markers.
John starts. "Guinea pigs or hamsters."
Rodney makes a face but writes it on the whiteboard. He crosses it out immediately. "Veto. They're rodents."
"A snake," Ronon suggests. He looks a little giddy, like he's been waiting for this moment. "One of those really big ones. Thick around as my forearm. Long as my legs."
John shudders convulsively. Rodney, of course, notices and smirks at him. The bastard is obviously waiting for John to issue the veto so that he can mock him for it. Instead, John blinks and tilts his head to the side. "Snakes eat mice, don't they?"
Rodney scowls at him and crosses out Really Big Snake.
When Teyla finds them two hours later they have vetoed potbelly pigs ("They're creepy," Ronon said), carrier pigeons ("Oh my god, flying rodents!" Rodney shouted. He pointed an accusing finger at John. "Stop being an ass."), tarantulas ("No bugs," John said and refused to acknowledge Rodney's assertion that they were technically arachnids), and hissing cockroaches ("Stop being an ass," John snapped at a smirking Rodney, then turned to Ronon. "And you. Stop watching CSI.")
Teyla takes the marker from Rodney's hand, caps it, and sets it aside. She stares at each of them and folds her hands together in front of her. "I am very grateful to you for trying so hard to find me a pet." Her words have a careful precision that John recognizes as Teyla's version of impatience. "But I believe that with the kittens and puppies, I have more than enough animals in my life. Please, let this be."
She leaves the room with a sad sort of grace. John looks at Ronon and Rodney uncertainly. "Um, so I guess that's it."
Rodney narrows his eyes. "Don't be stupid."
John sighs. "Rodney--"
Rodney cuts him off. "She wants a pet of her own, and she will get a pet of her own." He looks at their list and sighs. "The problem is we're men and--" His eyes widen and he snaps his fingers. "Wait, wait, wait. I've got an idea. Where's my phone?"
*
Three weeks later they drive Teyla to a stable outside of the city and introduce her to her new horse, a female Appaloosa named Honeydew.
"Jeannie says every girl wants a horse," Rodney tells Teyla uncertainly.
It's debatable whether she hears. She has her forehead pressed to the horse's and seems to be in deep commune with her. Eventually she steps back and turns to John, Ronon and Rodney. "I--I do not know what to say." Her voice trembles and her eyes are wet. "Thank you."
John fidgets awkwardly and sees Rodney doing the same thing. Ronon lifts Teyla off the ground until they're eye to eye and says, solemn and sincere, "You're welcome."
*
Teyla, of course, excels at horse riding and she spends several days a week at the stable. Ronon takes to going with her and eventually he gets his own horse, a huge black beast that looks like it should be pulling chariots in Hell.
On Sundays, John and Rodney go along, too. John brings Molly and Trevor and lets them run free in one of the pastures until they drop down and fall asleep where they land. Rodney buys two cat harnesses and rotates taking the kittens out with them.
"You know, other people have kids," the stable manager jokes one day, then laughs when all four of them choke simultaneously.
When John recovers from his fit, he says, "Um, we're not like other people."
"And thank god for that," Rodney says fervently.
Ronon and Teyla nod emphatically. John bends down and scoops up the kitten that's just slipped from the harness at the end of Rodney's leash. "Yeah."
.End
*
The less said about Teyla's two weeks as a rabbit owner, the better. In fact, John's decided that it falls under the heading of seriously traumatic and should be repressed at all costs. He's also decided that rabbits are evil.
Fortunately, they're a well oiled machine, and so within two days of Teyla leaving the house with quiet dignity--half of her hair several inches shorter than the other; her fingers, hands, and forearms dripping blood and in need of stitches; and her head bowed in abject misery--there is no evidence whatsoever that the rabbit was ever there.
Ronon finds it a new home, John sells all the supplies and food via Craigs List, and Rodney...
Well, Rodney viciously berates the ER staff who are sewing up Teyla, and when security escorts him off premises he calls the manager of Pet Smart and threatens her with lawsuits and violence.
"I can build ten WMDs with what's in my garage alone!" he screeches.
John covers his face with his hands; they're so gonna be getting a visit from the government any day now.
But in between all of that, Rodney's got the look on his face that he used to get on Atlantis, when he was working out the details of the latest crazy-brilliant way to save their asses.
Which is how they end up with the ferrets.
*
The ferrets last nine days before making a truly impressive and completely successful break for freedom.
Ronon lays flat on his stomach in front of a small hole in the baseboard behind their cage, which is so large that it takes up half of Teyla's "room".
"Looks like they dug through the wall," Ronon reports.
Rodney runs to his office and comes back with a tangled pile of equipment. They feed a small camera through the hole and follow the obvious trail down to the first floor. Once there they find a tunnel that has been painstakingly dug out and which leads into the backyard. Outside, two small collars have been discarded by the egress point but there are no sign of the ferrets.
John stares at the collars. "Christ. They had to have started that the day we brought them home."
Rodney looks as stunned as John feels. "Oh my god, it's like Shawshank Redemption for ferrets!"
Ronon brings up the most important part of this mess when he asks, "Who's telling Teyla?"
*
They're a well-oiled machine and Teyla's a trooper, so she accepts the loss of the ferrets and the acquisition of the parrot (Ronon's idea) with alacrity. Mostly.
*
Teyla names the parrot Hilden and things start off really well.
First and most importantly: the kittens, which are all adolescents at this point, don't seem all that inclined to chase or hunt Hilden.
John thinks it's the catnip he dosed them with right before Ronon and Rodney brought Hilden into the house. Either that or the catnip that he's been dosing them with on a daily basis since then. (Rodney caught him once, looked like he was about to scream, but then shut his mouth abruptly and nodded; John figures he was remembering Teyla's face when she heard about the ferrets.)
The puppies have apparently adopted John's own laid back attitude and take the new pet in stride.
Hilden calls John Darling and likes to nuzzle her beak against his chin. She perches on Ronon's shoulder and roots under his dreads to groom Berserker (who is getting way too big to hide under there but doesn't seem to realize it). Also? Rodney's not allergic to her, despite his initial fears.
So, yeah, everything's great. Except for the fact that Hilden hates Teyla. Anytime they're in the same room, Hilden attacks Teyla and squawks obscenities, the likes of which John hasn't since he was in charge of two hundred marines, at her. Loudly.
Teyla's stoicism starts to crack along the edges and the rest of them are getting far too good at erasing all traces of a pet's existence from their home.
*
The iguana is in the house less than ten minutes before John is forced to take it, and the supplies, back to the store.
Teyla and Ronon refuse to have it in the house, on account of its resemblance to a highly aggressive and freakishly poisonous animal from the Pegasus Galaxy.
*
The fish die within twelve hours, and that seems to be Teyla's breaking point. She retreats to their bedroom after finding them. Both puppies and all of the kittens--including Berserker, making a rare Ronon-free appearance--join her.
When John looks in on them an hour later (after shoving the fish tank at Ronon and telling him to get rid of it), Teyla is sitting on the floor mediating.
Practically every critter in the house is in her lap.
John stretches out on his side behind her, his thighs pressed against the small of her back. She leans her weight against him and they sit there silently until Rodney and Ronon come in. Rodney's in the middle of a sentence but he breaks off when he sees them on the floor.
Ronon manages to make room on Teyla's lap for his head. Amazingly, he does this without disturbing the puppy and three kittens already there. Rodney slides between John and Teyla and uses John's legs as a backrest. Teyla gives up on meditating at that point and settles against Rodney's chest with a sigh.
*
While Teyla's out the next day, Rodney calls an emergency brain storming session. He holds it in his office and equips himself with a set of whiteboard markers.
John starts. "Guinea pigs or hamsters."
Rodney makes a face but writes it on the whiteboard. He crosses it out immediately. "Veto. They're rodents."
"A snake," Ronon suggests. He looks a little giddy, like he's been waiting for this moment. "One of those really big ones. Thick around as my forearm. Long as my legs."
John shudders convulsively. Rodney, of course, notices and smirks at him. The bastard is obviously waiting for John to issue the veto so that he can mock him for it. Instead, John blinks and tilts his head to the side. "Snakes eat mice, don't they?"
Rodney scowls at him and crosses out Really Big Snake.
When Teyla finds them two hours later they have vetoed potbelly pigs ("They're creepy," Ronon said), carrier pigeons ("Oh my god, flying rodents!" Rodney shouted. He pointed an accusing finger at John. "Stop being an ass."), tarantulas ("No bugs," John said and refused to acknowledge Rodney's assertion that they were technically arachnids), and hissing cockroaches ("Stop being an ass," John snapped at a smirking Rodney, then turned to Ronon. "And you. Stop watching CSI.")
Teyla takes the marker from Rodney's hand, caps it, and sets it aside. She stares at each of them and folds her hands together in front of her. "I am very grateful to you for trying so hard to find me a pet." Her words have a careful precision that John recognizes as Teyla's version of impatience. "But I believe that with the kittens and puppies, I have more than enough animals in my life. Please, let this be."
She leaves the room with a sad sort of grace. John looks at Ronon and Rodney uncertainly. "Um, so I guess that's it."
Rodney narrows his eyes. "Don't be stupid."
John sighs. "Rodney--"
Rodney cuts him off. "She wants a pet of her own, and she will get a pet of her own." He looks at their list and sighs. "The problem is we're men and--" His eyes widen and he snaps his fingers. "Wait, wait, wait. I've got an idea. Where's my phone?"
*
Three weeks later they drive Teyla to a stable outside of the city and introduce her to her new horse, a female Appaloosa named Honeydew.
"Jeannie says every girl wants a horse," Rodney tells Teyla uncertainly.
It's debatable whether she hears. She has her forehead pressed to the horse's and seems to be in deep commune with her. Eventually she steps back and turns to John, Ronon and Rodney. "I--I do not know what to say." Her voice trembles and her eyes are wet. "Thank you."
John fidgets awkwardly and sees Rodney doing the same thing. Ronon lifts Teyla off the ground until they're eye to eye and says, solemn and sincere, "You're welcome."
*
Teyla, of course, excels at horse riding and she spends several days a week at the stable. Ronon takes to going with her and eventually he gets his own horse, a huge black beast that looks like it should be pulling chariots in Hell.
On Sundays, John and Rodney go along, too. John brings Molly and Trevor and lets them run free in one of the pastures until they drop down and fall asleep where they land. Rodney buys two cat harnesses and rotates taking the kittens out with them.
"You know, other people have kids," the stable manager jokes one day, then laughs when all four of them choke simultaneously.
When John recovers from his fit, he says, "Um, we're not like other people."
"And thank god for that," Rodney says fervently.
Ronon and Teyla nod emphatically. John bends down and scoops up the kitten that's just slipped from the harness at the end of Rodney's leash. "Yeah."
.End