Crack: OT4 Critter!Verse - The Vet Trip
Time Stamp Meme Response #6 for poisontaster
Original Story: The Kitten Invasion
Time Stamp: A week after Rodney brings the dogs home
Fandom: SGA
Rating: PG13
Word Count: 1793
As it turns out, the two chocolate labs that Rodney gives John are both females and when they lick his face Rodney shudders in distaste before rolling his eyes. "So you're an interspecies Kirk, yes, we already knew that."
*
"--pissed on the floor and slobbered all over a stack of very important papers!" Rodney shouts, waving his hands emphatically.
John, lounging on the floor in the living room and playing tug-of-war with Molly, the smaller puppy, just shrugs. "They're puppies," he says, unconcerned. "That's what they do."
Out of the corner of his eye, John sees Rodney's face go red with outrage and he has to fight back a smile. He'd be more worried about the outcome of this latest mediation session, but in a stroke of luck it turns out that as much as Teyla likes kittens, she seems to like puppies a whole lot more. Ronon likes them, too, even though Berserker--the demented orange kitten with the big head who spends most of its time on his neck under his dreads--has first place in his heart when it comes to their pets.
"Teyla! Do something!" Rodney insists.
"What is it you wish me to do, Rodney?" Teyla asks impatiently. "They are young and still learning, and John is being very conscientious about their training."
"Way more than you were with the kittens,," John says pointedly, then bares his teeth and growls playfully at Molly. She lets go of the tug toy, yaps at John and falls over when she wags her tail too enthusiastically.
"At the very least," Rodney says very loudly, "would you please make this beast leave me alone?" When John looks over, Rodney flings out his arm and points stridently at the other puppy, which is nudging a spit-drenched ball against his foot.
Ironically, the larger and still-nameless puppy has taken a liking to Rodney and often follows him around with a toy of some kind in her mouth, just waiting for the opportunity to drop it at his feet with a dull but wet-sounding splat that makes Rodney gag every. single. time.
"Aw, but she likes you, Rodney," John says with a wide, beaming grin.
*
The reason that Berserker spends ninety-percent of his time on Ronon's neck, under his dreads, is because the other kittens pick on him mercilessly. He's the runt of the litter, his head is far too big and wobbly for his scrawny body, and he tends to faceplant when he tries to do anything complex. Like, say, walk.
Even John feels bad for the little guy.
Berserker will come out a few times a day but never strays very far from Ronon, who always scoops him up when one or more of the others start in on him. Ronon also helps out whenever he tries to run and fails miserably because an off-balance big-headed kitten on hardwood floors is a recipe for disaster.
It's also really, really amusing.
*
John hears a cacophony of hisses, meows and strange yowling noises that make him shudder in distaste. Seriously, the sound is like nails on a chalkboard.
He's about to turn the volume up on the television when one of the puppies joins in, adding high-pitched barks that aren't nearly as threatening as they're probably intended to be. He tracks the noise to the master bedroom. Specifically, in front of the door to the en suite bathroom.
Berserker is pressed against the closed door, like he can push through it and get to Ronon, who's apparently showering on the other side. Molly is in front of him, small teeth bared at four other kittens (and John refuses to even try to keep their names straight, mostly because it pisses Rodney off, but also because that would give them far more status in his eyes than he's comfortable with). A multi-colored one tries to flank Berserker, but Molly snaps at it and issues a barrage of barks.
The bathroom door opens abruptly and the guilty kittens scatter. Berserker, meanwhile, paws at Molly's now-wagging tail, getting hold of it and chewing on it while Molly falls backward onto her rump and looks unduly proud of herself.
"Huh," Ronon says, smiling at Molly.
And, yeah, John's got no worries about any future mediation sessions.
*
John names the larger of the pups Trevor, much to Rodney's consternation.
"It's a female and, in case you are as stupid as you look, Trevor is a male name!"
Trevor flops onto her back and John reaches down to rub her belly. "Did you see me getting involved in the naming of the kittens and offering derogatory comments?" he asks.
"Oh, please! You don't even know their names."
"Exactly," John says wisely and twists his wrist and spins Trevor like a top on the floor, much to her excitement.
"Not that I care, but you're going to give that thing gender issues, you know."
Even Trevor seems to be rolling her eyes at that one. John pushes a sodden ball at her, and she snaps it up, scrambles gracelessly to her feet, runs awkwardly to Rodney and drops it on his bare foot. It makes a loud squelching sound.
Rodney gags. John beams. Trevor piddles on the floor.
*
The next morning, John wakes to the familiar sounds of creaking bedsprings and sex. When he opens his eyes he sees Teyla riding Ronon, both of them sleep-warm and leaden, and he echoes the appreciative murmur Rodney issues from behind him. It's beautiful and graceful and really freaking hot.
At least until Teyla shrieks and jerks at really bad angle and direction, which causes Ronon to bite his lip in pain and curl into a fetal position.
"What the hell just happened?" Rodney shouts.
Teyla glares and moves to the side, giving them a clear view of Trevor standing on the bed. "I was startled by her nose in...a place it should not be," Teyla says in a tight, prim voice.
John grimaces and checks on Ronon, who is cradling his dick and breathing through the pain. "You okay there?"
"No," Ronon snaps.
Teyla bans the puppies from the bedroom, and John would argue against the unfairness, since the kittens are still allowed in, but then he looks at Ronon and realizes that could have been him, so he nods, instead.
*
The vet trip is a disaster from start to finish.
It takes three hours to round up all the kittens, one of which caught sight of the carriers in the living room and then went around and somehow communicated it to the rest of them.
They go into hiding, and because of the size of the house tracking them down isn't easy. When cornered, they panic and run and use their sharp little claws.
John doesn't help gather them. He sits on the stairs leading to the second floor, Molly and Trevor next to him with leashes attached to their collars, and watches Rodney, Teyla and Ronon run around like idiots, towels in hand to wrap around the kittens and trap their razor-tipped paws.
By the time Teyla comes downstairs with the last of the kittens all three of them have dozens of scratches on their hands and forearms, and Ronon has some really nasty gashes and punctures on the back of his neck from Berserker going, well, berserk.
"Ready?" John asks cheerfully, getting to his feet and tugging on Trevor and Molly's leashes.
"There is no word sufficient enough for me to express my hatred of you right now," Rodney spits at him.
They have to take both vehicles. John drives one and takes Ronon, who props the carrier that holds Berserker and another kitten on his knees. Molly and Trevor ride with them, harnessed to the seats in the back. Rodney has Teyla and the rest of the carriers in the Explorer.
During the ten-minute drive Rodney has to pull over three times because the kittens keep escaping the carriers. Once, John pulls up behind him and watches with interest as a kitten runs across the dashboard, jumps off from the steering wheel, and then bounces off of Rodney's head and dives into the back seat.
Rodney screams loudly enough for John and Ronon to hear and bashes his face into the steering wheel when he flails, while Teyla undoes her seatbelt and climbs into the back seat.
John reaches into the back of his own car and gives Molly and Trevor a treat each. "Good girls."
When they reach the vet's office the kittens are not happy and are vocalizing their displeasure with snarls, hisses and gulpy-sounding yowls.
Molly and Trevor, meanwhile, prove to have no tolerance for animals outside of their family and try to go after every other one in the waiting room, slipping their collars and causing an animal riot. It ends in a flurry of teeth and fur, a not-actually-alive-anymore bird, and a sobbing eight-year-old boy and his screaming mother. John is horrified and writes out a check for a thousand dollars and hopes there won't be a lawsuit.
The exam itself is a nightmare and involves Trevor drawing blood with his pointy puppy teeth, three kittens making a break for it, and another check, this one for five thousand dollars to cover equipment damage, dry cleaning, and necessary medical treatment for a staff member.
They're told never to return again, and when they get home they free all of the critters and get very, very drunk.
*
They learn to sleep through the kittens chasing each other across the bed in the middle of the night, and they wake to tiny paws batting at their faces, or impatient whines from outside the bedroom door. They walk puppies, change litter, spend more money at Pet Smart than any other store, and trip over stray pet toys all the time.
They watch movies with kittens curled up on Rodney and Teyla's laps, Berserker's paw hanging over Ronon's shoulder, and Molly and Trevor sleeping at John's feet.
It's strange and weird, and nothing at all the way John pictured settling down would be, and maybe that's why it works.
*
During the next Pet Smart trip, Teyla is pushing a full cart while John strolls next to her with a second one that's already half-full. They have to detour around several stock boys who are blocking an aisle, and it takes them into the pet section of the store. Teyla looks around with mild curiosity, but then goes still in front of a large cage, her eyes warm and soft and big.
"Oh," she says softly, one finger sliding through the cage to touch soft fur. "Rabbits."
John sighs and calls Rodney while he goes off in search of rabbit supplies.
.End
Original Story: The Kitten Invasion
Time Stamp: A week after Rodney brings the dogs home
Fandom: SGA
Rating: PG13
Word Count: 1793
As it turns out, the two chocolate labs that Rodney gives John are both females and when they lick his face Rodney shudders in distaste before rolling his eyes. "So you're an interspecies Kirk, yes, we already knew that."
*
"--pissed on the floor and slobbered all over a stack of very important papers!" Rodney shouts, waving his hands emphatically.
John, lounging on the floor in the living room and playing tug-of-war with Molly, the smaller puppy, just shrugs. "They're puppies," he says, unconcerned. "That's what they do."
Out of the corner of his eye, John sees Rodney's face go red with outrage and he has to fight back a smile. He'd be more worried about the outcome of this latest mediation session, but in a stroke of luck it turns out that as much as Teyla likes kittens, she seems to like puppies a whole lot more. Ronon likes them, too, even though Berserker--the demented orange kitten with the big head who spends most of its time on his neck under his dreads--has first place in his heart when it comes to their pets.
"Teyla! Do something!" Rodney insists.
"What is it you wish me to do, Rodney?" Teyla asks impatiently. "They are young and still learning, and John is being very conscientious about their training."
"Way more than you were with the kittens,," John says pointedly, then bares his teeth and growls playfully at Molly. She lets go of the tug toy, yaps at John and falls over when she wags her tail too enthusiastically.
"At the very least," Rodney says very loudly, "would you please make this beast leave me alone?" When John looks over, Rodney flings out his arm and points stridently at the other puppy, which is nudging a spit-drenched ball against his foot.
Ironically, the larger and still-nameless puppy has taken a liking to Rodney and often follows him around with a toy of some kind in her mouth, just waiting for the opportunity to drop it at his feet with a dull but wet-sounding splat that makes Rodney gag every. single. time.
"Aw, but she likes you, Rodney," John says with a wide, beaming grin.
*
The reason that Berserker spends ninety-percent of his time on Ronon's neck, under his dreads, is because the other kittens pick on him mercilessly. He's the runt of the litter, his head is far too big and wobbly for his scrawny body, and he tends to faceplant when he tries to do anything complex. Like, say, walk.
Even John feels bad for the little guy.
Berserker will come out a few times a day but never strays very far from Ronon, who always scoops him up when one or more of the others start in on him. Ronon also helps out whenever he tries to run and fails miserably because an off-balance big-headed kitten on hardwood floors is a recipe for disaster.
It's also really, really amusing.
*
John hears a cacophony of hisses, meows and strange yowling noises that make him shudder in distaste. Seriously, the sound is like nails on a chalkboard.
He's about to turn the volume up on the television when one of the puppies joins in, adding high-pitched barks that aren't nearly as threatening as they're probably intended to be. He tracks the noise to the master bedroom. Specifically, in front of the door to the en suite bathroom.
Berserker is pressed against the closed door, like he can push through it and get to Ronon, who's apparently showering on the other side. Molly is in front of him, small teeth bared at four other kittens (and John refuses to even try to keep their names straight, mostly because it pisses Rodney off, but also because that would give them far more status in his eyes than he's comfortable with). A multi-colored one tries to flank Berserker, but Molly snaps at it and issues a barrage of barks.
The bathroom door opens abruptly and the guilty kittens scatter. Berserker, meanwhile, paws at Molly's now-wagging tail, getting hold of it and chewing on it while Molly falls backward onto her rump and looks unduly proud of herself.
"Huh," Ronon says, smiling at Molly.
And, yeah, John's got no worries about any future mediation sessions.
*
John names the larger of the pups Trevor, much to Rodney's consternation.
"It's a female and, in case you are as stupid as you look, Trevor is a male name!"
Trevor flops onto her back and John reaches down to rub her belly. "Did you see me getting involved in the naming of the kittens and offering derogatory comments?" he asks.
"Oh, please! You don't even know their names."
"Exactly," John says wisely and twists his wrist and spins Trevor like a top on the floor, much to her excitement.
"Not that I care, but you're going to give that thing gender issues, you know."
Even Trevor seems to be rolling her eyes at that one. John pushes a sodden ball at her, and she snaps it up, scrambles gracelessly to her feet, runs awkwardly to Rodney and drops it on his bare foot. It makes a loud squelching sound.
Rodney gags. John beams. Trevor piddles on the floor.
*
The next morning, John wakes to the familiar sounds of creaking bedsprings and sex. When he opens his eyes he sees Teyla riding Ronon, both of them sleep-warm and leaden, and he echoes the appreciative murmur Rodney issues from behind him. It's beautiful and graceful and really freaking hot.
At least until Teyla shrieks and jerks at really bad angle and direction, which causes Ronon to bite his lip in pain and curl into a fetal position.
"What the hell just happened?" Rodney shouts.
Teyla glares and moves to the side, giving them a clear view of Trevor standing on the bed. "I was startled by her nose in...a place it should not be," Teyla says in a tight, prim voice.
John grimaces and checks on Ronon, who is cradling his dick and breathing through the pain. "You okay there?"
"No," Ronon snaps.
Teyla bans the puppies from the bedroom, and John would argue against the unfairness, since the kittens are still allowed in, but then he looks at Ronon and realizes that could have been him, so he nods, instead.
*
The vet trip is a disaster from start to finish.
It takes three hours to round up all the kittens, one of which caught sight of the carriers in the living room and then went around and somehow communicated it to the rest of them.
They go into hiding, and because of the size of the house tracking them down isn't easy. When cornered, they panic and run and use their sharp little claws.
John doesn't help gather them. He sits on the stairs leading to the second floor, Molly and Trevor next to him with leashes attached to their collars, and watches Rodney, Teyla and Ronon run around like idiots, towels in hand to wrap around the kittens and trap their razor-tipped paws.
By the time Teyla comes downstairs with the last of the kittens all three of them have dozens of scratches on their hands and forearms, and Ronon has some really nasty gashes and punctures on the back of his neck from Berserker going, well, berserk.
"Ready?" John asks cheerfully, getting to his feet and tugging on Trevor and Molly's leashes.
"There is no word sufficient enough for me to express my hatred of you right now," Rodney spits at him.
They have to take both vehicles. John drives one and takes Ronon, who props the carrier that holds Berserker and another kitten on his knees. Molly and Trevor ride with them, harnessed to the seats in the back. Rodney has Teyla and the rest of the carriers in the Explorer.
During the ten-minute drive Rodney has to pull over three times because the kittens keep escaping the carriers. Once, John pulls up behind him and watches with interest as a kitten runs across the dashboard, jumps off from the steering wheel, and then bounces off of Rodney's head and dives into the back seat.
Rodney screams loudly enough for John and Ronon to hear and bashes his face into the steering wheel when he flails, while Teyla undoes her seatbelt and climbs into the back seat.
John reaches into the back of his own car and gives Molly and Trevor a treat each. "Good girls."
When they reach the vet's office the kittens are not happy and are vocalizing their displeasure with snarls, hisses and gulpy-sounding yowls.
Molly and Trevor, meanwhile, prove to have no tolerance for animals outside of their family and try to go after every other one in the waiting room, slipping their collars and causing an animal riot. It ends in a flurry of teeth and fur, a not-actually-alive-anymore bird, and a sobbing eight-year-old boy and his screaming mother. John is horrified and writes out a check for a thousand dollars and hopes there won't be a lawsuit.
The exam itself is a nightmare and involves Trevor drawing blood with his pointy puppy teeth, three kittens making a break for it, and another check, this one for five thousand dollars to cover equipment damage, dry cleaning, and necessary medical treatment for a staff member.
They're told never to return again, and when they get home they free all of the critters and get very, very drunk.
*
They learn to sleep through the kittens chasing each other across the bed in the middle of the night, and they wake to tiny paws batting at their faces, or impatient whines from outside the bedroom door. They walk puppies, change litter, spend more money at Pet Smart than any other store, and trip over stray pet toys all the time.
They watch movies with kittens curled up on Rodney and Teyla's laps, Berserker's paw hanging over Ronon's shoulder, and Molly and Trevor sleeping at John's feet.
It's strange and weird, and nothing at all the way John pictured settling down would be, and maybe that's why it works.
*
During the next Pet Smart trip, Teyla is pushing a full cart while John strolls next to her with a second one that's already half-full. They have to detour around several stock boys who are blocking an aisle, and it takes them into the pet section of the store. Teyla looks around with mild curiosity, but then goes still in front of a large cage, her eyes warm and soft and big.
"Oh," she says softly, one finger sliding through the cage to touch soft fur. "Rabbits."
John sighs and calls Rodney while he goes off in search of rabbit supplies.
.End