fic: Gaius Baltar is Not My Lover
Title: Gaius Baltar is Not My Lover
Authors: icedteainthebag and flamingo55
Rating: MA. Very.
Word Count: 5,885 words too long
Spoilers: New Caprica. Has anyone not seen that yet? No? That's what we thought.
Authors' Notes: Please, we beg you, put down the coffee before you read this. We take no responsibility for any damaged screens or keyboards. Also, we do not own these characters, and the people who do would probably die if they saw what we'd done to them. We have written this fic in our trademark (maybe) lyrical style - that is, every snippet of dialogue is a lyric from a song. Any song. Ever. Apologies to Peter, Paul, and Mary, KISS, Barry White, Phil Collins, Guns N' Roses, Eminem, Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, Michael Jackson... oh, frak it, apologies to everyone, everywhere.
One day, Admiral Bill Adama was Admiralling on the Galactica when he got a message over the comm link. It was from the former President, Laura Roslin, now down on the surface of the planet they called "New Caprica." Bill had pushed for "New Tauron," but no one wanted that. He was kinda pissed about it, truth be told. But as opposed to "Gaiusland," he guessed it was all right. He told Hoshi that he'd take the call in his Ready Room. Hoshi just looked at him oddly, as the Admiral did not have a Ready Room. Which was too bad, because he so often needed to be ready. Bill sighed and told them to put it through to his quarters, instead.
"Annie, are you okay?" he asked, as he picked up the line.
Laura sighed. She would never understand why Bill insisted on calling her by her middle name. She should never have divulged it during that drinking game. Still, it was so good to hear his voice - she started to reply, but could only manage "Ooo, ooo, ooo."
Bill spoke gently. He missed her too. "Say, say, say, what you want," he encouraged.
Laura gripped the radio and took a deep breath, getting hold of herself long enough to invite Bill to Baltar's 'Binge Drink Today For A Brighter Tomorrow' groundbreaking ceremony. Laura doubted that the days would get any brighter on this frakking planet, but she figured it was a good excuse to see Bill. "Won't you come? It's emergency."
Bill cringed a bit. Laura's grammar was usually impeccable - what the hell had happened to her on that planet? Meh, probably nothing important. "Nothing can stop this burnin' desire to be with you," he assured her.
Laura was relieved, but nonetheless apprehensive. "Don't play games with my affections," she warned.
Bill was offended. Of course he would never do such a thing. Oh, sure, he'd kissed her once, spent every day at her bedside when she had that bad case of terminal cancer, and even danced with her once - then pretty much ignored her, and reminded her of her impending demise as he refused to help her steal an election. But none of that was actually playing games, he figured. "I'll be there," he said.
He went back to Admiralling.
Later, while brushing his teeth for the fifth time that day, he started thinking about Laura's invitation. For too long, they'd been dancing around their "responsibilities," but since Laura now had none to speak of, that excuse was wearing thin. Seriously, all she seemed to do down there all day was write stories in her little book. He wondered if they were stories about the characters from Dark Day, like he wrote sometimes. Woman didn't even feel the responsibility to brush her hair anymore. Bill decided that something needed to change. "I'm starting with the man in the mirror," he said, no longer thinking it strange to talk out loud in an empty cabin. "I'm asking him to change his ways." He being the man in the mirror. And change number one would be to get Laura into his bed ASAP.
Meanwhile, back on New Caprica, President Baltar was leading a group of nubile young women in song. He was hoping they'd sing at the ceremony the next day, but the rehearsal was not going well. "Pretty young things, repeat after me, sing na, na, na."
"Na, na, na," they replied, but horribly off key.
Baltar sighed in exasperation. Perhaps another song would go better - one as easy as Do-Re-Mi. He loved that movie, especially the part where all the little children went to bed one by one, each with their own little dance. There were seven of those children, just like there were seven known Cylon models. He couldn't deny the coincidence.
"Ma ma se, ma ma sa, ma ma coo sa," Baltar sang slowly.
Once again, the choir made a hash out of the song. Baltar dismissed them with a wave of his hand, turning to Felix Gaeta. "I'm gonna thrill you tonight," he promised.
Felix beamed. "Tonight won't be just any night. Tonight there will be no morning star."
Around the corner of the choir tent, Hoshi cried a single tear into his beer. "One is the loneliest number..."
~~~~~~~@
Laura was freshening up in preparation for Bill to come. Literally. If this was unlike all the other times the two of them got together, they might actually get their frak on.
"Anticipation, anticipation, is makin' me late, is keepin' me waitin'," she hummed to herself, but nobody else. Frankly she was tired of anticipating. It was time for Bill to make his move. It had been so long since she'd had sex because the stress of the Presidency made her lose her entire sexual drive. She hadn't even thought of sex in longer than she wanted to admit. Luckily as President, she didn't have to admit anything to anyone. But now that she wasn't President, it was back even more strongly than when she was frakking President Adar. She wondered why being President hadn't made him lose his sexual drive entirely. Probably because he was a crap President. Not as bad as Baltar, but still. But Baltar still had a sexual drive, she had heard. Maybe only the good Presidents lost their sexual drive, and that is why she lost hers, but she had now regained it, since she was no longer President.
Unfortunately, being the only teacher on New Caprica meant she had to report to work every day, even on days when all she could think about was getting her frak on.
This was most days.
Laura ran her fingers through her hair and put on her new clothes - her red skirt of awesome and the red wrap and purplish gray-green beigey cami. Of course. What else would she possibly wear? She had to look her best in case Bill came early. She hoped he wasn't that kind of lover. She whipped open her flaps and then shut them again. As she tied a knot in her door, she felt a presence behind her and turned around. It was that skeeve Gaius Baltar, looking particularly manic and unkempt. "Don't wanna see your face, you better disappear," Laura spat. President or not, that frakweasel needed to get lost.
"I want your love," Gaius said. Plain as that.
"Love....Love? Love??" Laura repeated, furrowing her entire brow. She had no concept of this strange 'love' thing the now-President of the Colonies (or was it just President of New Caprica) spoke of.
"I want your love," Gaius repeated. "I want your love, and I want your revenge. You and me could write a bad romance."
"Ohhhhhh," Laura backed up, shaking her head. Bad romance indeed. He was beginning to sound desperate. If this was how he usually scored with chicks Laura would lose faith in the female gender for sure. She held up a hand to stop him from coming closer. "You can't touch this."
Gaius began to pace. He was obviously not thrilled about Laura turning him down, much to Laura's amusement, but she tried not to look bemused. "Sent you money, sent you flowers, gonna worship you for hours," Baltar muttered. Laura took it in stride - she was used to being worshipped, since she was the Dying Leader© and all. Except now she wasn't dying. Or the leader. Still, she liked the worship part, and she figured the money and flowers were on their way.
Gaius was visibly and audibly distorted as his voice wavered and his hand sifted through the long strands of his unclean hair. "If you change your mind, I'm the first in line," he said in his trademark staccatoed accent. "Honey, I'm still free. Take a chance on me."
"Don't go wasting your emotion," Baltar's Head!Caprica warned. "Lay all your love on me." Or I will snap your scrawny neck, was the implied message.
"Do you hear what I hear?" Gaius whispered, looking around frantically. Laura stared at him. The guy was obviously frakkin' insane. It was probably syphilis gone straight to his brain. Gods damn Bill Adama for not letting her steal that election. Now this was the kind of leadership they had to deal with. Laura made note to really take it out on Bill when he showed up. Hopefully in some sort of sexual manner.
"Mamma mia," Laura huffed, rolling her eyes. "Here I go again. My my, how can I resist you?" Her words were tinged with sarcasm, dripping from every syllable like honey off a stick. Slowly.
Deliciously.
Gaius smirked, looking sly as a fox. "Oh, you can take your time, baby. I'm in no hurry. Know I'm gonna get you."
Laura was about to put on her meanest bitchface and really tell Gaius where to shove it when Felix Gaeta danced by, seemingly at random. "Dancing queen," he sang in libretto, twirling in circles with his arms spread. "Feel the beat of the tambourine."
Gaius and Laura both stared at him and watched as Hoshi followed. "Love isn't easy but it sure is hard enough," Hoshi muttered.
Gaius was obviously more flustered at the sight of dancing Gaeta. He shifted on his feet, cleared his throat with many ahems and shrugged. "People need hope, people need loving, people need trust from a fellow man," he said, taking off after them in a very hurried manner.
"I'm on the highway to Hell," Laura sighed as she headed to the schoolhouse.
~~~~~~~@
Later that morning, Bill's Raptor landed on the New Caprican soil. He was in a great mood - he had the day off from Admiralling, and he was pretty damn sure he was going to get laid that night. Maybe even that day. He strode out onto the wing, proclaiming, "I'm bad, I'm bad, you know it." Damn straight they knew it.
He was going to go find Laura, but instead went to sit and play in the sand. He needed to make up a reason for playing in the sand instead of finding Laura, so he called them alluvial deposits and made it sound like a big deal. He knew she wouldn't question him because every other time she questioned him, she was wrong, and she was probably tired of being wrong all the time.
Luckily for him, Laura came looking.
"Lady in red," Bill cooed. He hoped she would be dancing with him soon. The horizontal bop, perhaps.
Laura greeted him in return and sat down. "You give me fever like I've never, ever known," she confessed.
Damn, Bill thought. His plans for the evening were all frakked up if Laura was ill. He was pleased to see that he'd badly misread the situation, however, when Laura pulled out two hand-rolled cigarettes and handed him one. Bill took a long drag and expressed his pleasure, then asked what it was.
"Ain't nobody's business," was Laura's retort.
Bill just nodded. He really didn't frakkin' care as long as it loosened them both up a bit. Mostly her. But not too much. Not that kind of loose.
"I'm ready for love," Bill finally said. He might as well flat-out tell her why he was down there. Her face fell. It looked painful. "Oh, baby, I'm ready for love," he repeated, wondering why she was looking so disappointed.
"Workin' nine to five," she sighed. "What a way to make a livin'." She stood up to go, as school was about to start. "Talk to ya later," she said, disappointed.
"Don't go!" Bill cried.
"These boots are made for walkin'," Laura explained as she walked away. While being the only teacher on New Caprica kinda sucked, it was also awesome in that she could show up late and stoned and no one could do anything about it.
And Bill realized, as she walked away, that he so loved those black knee-high lace-up New Caprican boots. But he realized that he couldn't really sit around for eight hours and fantasize about boots alone while he waited for Laura's workday to end, so he decided to do what everybody else on the planet seemed to enjoy doing, besides frakking: drinking.
He found his way to Joe's Bar - good ol' Joe, who could set up bar wherever he had a cardboard box, an old athletic sock and something to distill. Bill had never even seen the guy, but he was certain Joe was a good man. He certainly had a good business model: supplying alcohol to a bunch of depressed people. Bill respected a good businessman. It was very Tauron.
"I'll take whatever you have," he said to the bartender. Maybe that was Joe, he thought.
He got shoved a dirty glass full of something amber. "Whatever," Bill said, tossing it back. The bartender gave it to him again. He acquiesced, drinking it. It reminded him of the fumes of a Viper when the essence hit his sinuses.
Bill was happy to see that many of his crew and some of the civvies were dancing to a makeshift band. Resourceful people, the lot of them. He asked one of them why they were all getting drunk before lunch instead of working. "Ain't never gonna work, get down in the dirt, I choose, to cruise," the man replied.
Well, that explained why the place was such a disaster after they'd been settled for so long.
Bill thought it was a shame that Laura hadn't won the election, after all. Then he decided that he didn't care, and gave the man some of his trademark inspirational advice.
"Make the most of every day, don't let hard times stand in your way. Give a wham, give a bam, but don't give a damn," Bill told him, holding his glass in salute.
A moment later, Bill saw his son, Lee, drunk and careening around the room in an attempt to dance with his wife Dee. It was a traditional Saggitarian Throwdown, so Lee thought she'd love it. "Zig-zag, cross the floor, shuffle in diagonal. When the drum hits, hands on your hips, one-footed one-eighty twist," he called. Dee was having none of it, so she left to go back to the ship. Bill was pretty sure he was the only one who noticed and for a moment that made him pretty sad. Then he thought about what he might be doing at 5:01 p.m. when Laura got off work and he felt very happy.
Lee wandered over and found Starbuck sitting alone at a table. Unsure how to handle the situation, he said the first thing that popped into his mind. "Jitterbug?"
Kara just stared.
"Jitterbug?" Lee repeated. Kara finally realized that he was asking her to dance, but she declined.
"I'm never gonna dance again," she told him. "Guilty feet have got no rhythm." Sadly, she looked down at her boyfriend Sam, passed out under the table. Maybe if he stayed passed out, Lee would hang out with her later under the moon.
Over in the corner, Helo was on stage, performing. "Quick to the point, to the point, no fakin', cookin' MCs like a pound of bacon." Kara rolled her eyes. She hated it when Helo tried to pretend he was all "street" when everyone knew he'd graduated from the most exclusive private school in Caprica City. Rumor was he dated some Graystone chick who was the great-grandchild of the first Cylon or something, Kara wasn't quite sure. Nonetheless, he seemed to have a taste for skinjobs. Athena seemed to be lapping it up, though, mouthing the words with him and nodding her head as he "rapped." "I grabbed my nine, all I heard was shells."
Yeah, right. Helo couldn't shoot the side of a barn.
"I'm pretty fly for a white guy," Helo finished. Athena batted her eyelashes.
Kara cackled and tossed back another drink. Just then, Galen Tyrol wandered by, complaining about the supply problems on the planet. Again.
"If I had a hammer," he explained. "I'd hammer in the morning. I'd hammer in the evening, all over this land."
Lords knew there was hammering to be done, Kara thought, but how hard would it be to just make the damn thing? Man could build a still, but not a damn hammer? What a bag of wind.
"Stop. Hammer time," Athena said, as emphatically as she could.
"I wanna be your sledgehammer," Helo growled. He nearly emoted, but not quite.
Thank the gods, Kara thought as Helo, Tyrol and Athena left to do... hammering. Kara suspected it had nothing to do with carpentry or getting drunk. Sadly.
Meanwhile, Lee was stumbling around, drunk, and stumbled toward her, drunk. Again. "I am the son and heir of...nothing in particular."
Disgusted, Bill turned to Kara. "The kid is not my son." He was especially pissed that Lee had just referred to him as "nothing in particular." Maybe he meant Carolanne, that bitch.
Kara burst into giggles. Oh Frak, Bill thought, he WAS his son. Damn!
"I am human and I need to be loved," Lee wailed. "Just like everybody else does."
Bill just shook his head. Of course Lee was human - Bill knew humans when he saw them, like Saul, and Ellen. No way those two could ever be Cylons. His heart could tell the difference. He had no idea where Lee got his overly emo tendencies from. Probably that bitch, Carolanne. He hated to even think about Carolanne with all of her cunning wiles and her long well-manicured fingernails. After Ellen and then Carolanne (that bitch) he had sworn off the naturally blonde women for good. He was so glad Laura wasn't a blonde, or a bitch. If she ever dyed her hair there would be serious problems.
There was only so much of Lee's emo that he could take. It was now time to find who and what he came down to the surface for.
Laura Roslin. And sex.
Bill walked over to the schoolhouse tent. It was where Laura spent most of her time these days. He knew it was her new job, but he really couldn't stand children. He took another drink in order to prepare.
"A B C...easy as 1, 2, 3," he heard Laura say from outside the tent flaps. Oh, frakkin' A. There was something about the idea of Laura teaching anything to anyone that turned him on.
He was hot for teacher, he supposed. And he realized that he had it bad, so bad, when the last subject of the day turned out to be sex education.
"Sex is natural, sex is good, not everybody does it, but everybody should," Laura began. Bill was puzzled - this did not sound like the Up With Abstinence! curriculum that had been promoted by President Adar. Like he was the poster boy for fidelity. Bill made an audible Pssshhing sound and Laura cast him irritated eyes. He stopped while recalling Laura had confessed one night that she had frakked the president; she said nobody even knew if he was married, and she hadn't even cared! Bill was glad she was a little more picky now when it came to her carnal relations. Bill guessed that the speech Laura was giving had to be the kickoff of her acclaimed Up With Frakking! curriculum, because gods knew the Fleet needed more babies. He looked over to find Laura finishing up the lesson. "Sex is natural, sex is fun, sex is best when it's one-on-one."
After what seemed like a really long time, but was actually fourteen minutes, the little brats all left. Laura asked what he'd like to do that afternoon.
Bill thought for a moment. "Why don't we get drunk and screw?" he suggested, having gotten totally horny during Laura's sex discussion. Okay, hornier.
Laura thought that sounded like an excellent idea. "Teacher's gonna show you how to get an A," she purred.
But where?
Laura's mind raced. At the drive-in, in the old man's Ford...behind the bushes, 'til I'm screaming for more. Down in the basement, lock the cellar door... Suddenly, she realized none of those places existed, except the bushes, so she went with that. "I know a place where the grass is really greener. Warm, wet and wild, there must be something in the water."
Bill was keen on this idea, especially the warm, wet, and wild part. He hoped it would involve not only water frolicking and pondering of grass, but wet frakking and smoking of grass.
Bill and Laura set off on a hike to her cabin site. Or, as Bill liked to think of it, the weed patch. Sadly, on the way they discovered that someone had put a fence in their way. He turned to Laura, struggling to find a way past it. "It's too high to get over," he said.
"Yeah, yeah," Laura nodded thoughtfully. "Too low to get under."
Bill searched and found a small gap in the fence, and squeezed through, cutting his leg. The pain was thunder.
"Cuts like a knife," Bill groaned. Laura immediately came to his aid. She whipped off her red wrap and wound it around his wound, giving him a spectacular view of her breasts as she leaned over him, her hand on his thigh. "Oh, but it feels so right," he added.
"Everybody hurts... sometimes," Laura said with a radiant glow of empathy. "Hurts so good."
"Be my lover, wanna be my lover?" Bill asked.
"La da da de da da, da da." Yes, that was a solitary bird he heard singing in the trees.
Laura began to kiss his neck. Oh yeah, he thought. This is the life.
"Looking back on all the time we spent together, you oughta know by now if you wanna be my lover," Bill explained.
"If you wanna be my lover," Laura purred, "you gotta get with my friends."
Friends? Bill wondered. Who did she mean, exactly? Maya? Well, she was cute enough, but that Foster woman scared him. Still, he was up for most anything.
"I need some love like I never needed love before," Bill explained, figuring that this statement was vague enough for her to interpret his openness to her bisexualism, despite his lack of experience.
"Wanna make love to you, baby," Laura responded. "Let's work it out, boy."
Oh, phew, Bill thought. She did not say 'you and Maya' or 'you and that freaky oracle lady.'
"I'm hungry like the wolf," Bill rasped. Laura gasped. His growling, sexy voice was nearly wolfen. The desire to be devoured by this Admirally beast was more overwhelming than ever.
She took his hand and tugged on it with a seductive grin and a flash of her green eyes and they walked along. Too long of a walk, Bill decided as they walked longer, but hopefully, it would be worth it.
And it took about two more hours.
But finally they got to their destination and they were alone, looking over the stream that fed her weed patch... cabin site, Bill corrected himself. He was a bit dismayed, as it looked like she hadn't done any trimming. Laura stood looking at the sunset over the mountains, the sounds of cicadas and the bustling stream kinda pissing him off. He could barely hear himself think. But if he could, he knew he would only be thinking one thing. That being, how much he wanted to get into her skirt, as it were. "Turn around," Bill commanded.
Laura seemed not to have heard him. "Every now and then I feel a little bit lonely and you're never comin' 'round."
What? Bill wondered. He was here now, that was what mattered. "Turn around," he repeated.
"Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears," Laura went on, oblivious to Bill's command.
"Turn around!" Now Bill was just annoyed. She was deliberately ignoring him, probably too busy crying. He supposed he could frak her from this position, but it would be complicated. Much easier if she'd just turn the frak around.
"Every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by," Laura continued.
Duh, Bill thought. Cylon war, remember? Exasperated, he tried one more time. "Turn around."
"Every now and then I get a little bit terrified but then I see the look in your eyes."
Bill wondered if she was in some kind of a chamalla trance - her eyes had seemed to be glowing earlier. "Turn around, bright eyes."
Finally, Laura turned around. "Every now and then I fall apart."
Bill was so used to her ignoring him, he said it again. "Turn around, bright eyes." Damn, now she was back the other way.
"Every now and then I fall apart," she echoed, as if he hadn't heard her. Gods damn it, woman, was his thought.
"Turn around," he pleaded. He was getting desperate. Luckily she listened to him. Now maybe they could get busy.
"Every now and then I get a little bit restless and I dream of something wild," she said, slipping her arms around his neck. Now she was talking. He could get down with something wild from one of her fantasies.
"Turn around," he said, his arms around her waist, which fortunately meant that they just started dancing in circles while looking into each other's eyes. He used the opportunity to rub himself against her thigh and it felt quite lovely.
"Every now and then I get a little bit helpless and I'm lying like a child in your arms."
Okay, way to foul the mood. For the sake of the gods, Laura, enough with the children. "Turn around," he said, though he was talking about the conversation topic more than anything.
"Every now and then I get a little bit angry and I know I've got to get out and cry," Laura continued, her eyes glassy as her fingers stroked the back of his neck. He wondered what could possibly be making her angry. It seemed like she had a pretty good life down on the surface.
"Turn around," he demanded gently. One thing he couldn't stand was watching somebody cry.
"Every now and then I get a little bit terrified but then I see the look in your eyes," she whispered, kissing him deeply with a little whimper in the back of her throat.
Thank the gods he didn't have to say turn around again.
"Forever's gonna start tonight," Bill promised. He was good at making and keeping promises, he thought. "Forever's gonna start to--"
"Once upon a time I was fallin' in love, now I'm only fallin' apart," Laura interrupted, her breath against his lips. What was this frakkery, now?
"There's nothing I can do," Bill said. Because he had no clue what she was talking about.
"Total eclipse of the heart." She kissed him again, harder, and he closed his eyes because there is only so much looking into eyes a person can do. Hearts, eclipses, solar flares, what the hell ever, at this point he needed to get her to the ground and pound into her like never before. He had been waiting over two hours. She could turn around then.
Not having much luck with his commanding, Admirally tone, he decided to try a softer tack. Chicks liked that, he found. "You can lay your head back on the ground and let your hair fall all around me," he said. "Offer up your best defense, but this is the end... this is the end of the innocence."
Laura wondered who exactly he thought was innocent around here. Not her! But she decided it was best not to argue with his dreams of having a lovely, virginal young, well, maybe not young, maiden for his very own. That being said, she was curious about the physics behind laying her head on the ground while her hair fell around him; would he be behind her, perhaps? There was no way her hair could fall upward. Sometimes Bill made no frakkin' sense when he was trying to be romantic. Or anytime, sometimes.
Then she decided she was too stoned and then she realized Bill was kissing her with his hand up her cami. "When I'm with you baby, I go out of my head. I just can't get enough."
Bill, however, had definitely had enough. "It's getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes," he pleaded.
Hot in here? Laura thought. They were outside. Whatever, it was hot, and she happily complied with his request. He gave her a lecherous look, which made her all atingle. It had been too long since a man had looked at her like that.
"We got a real kinda thing goin' down, gettin' down," Laura told him, slipping her slender arms around his thick neck. Bill hoped there would be much goin' down and gettin' down.
"I believe in miracles," Bill growled as he laid her down on the grass, making sure there were no rocks. Getting laid in the aftermath of the human genocide? He truly did believe in miracles now. "Where're you from, you sexy thing?"
Laura looked at him quizzically. He should definitely know this bit of trivia. She wondered if he often frakked women without knowing their hometowns.
"I believe in miracles since you came along, you sexy thing," he continued. It set her soul at ease a little bit then. She was a miracle. And a frakkin' sexy one at that. That half-cylon blood had done wonders for her hair - someday she'd have to thank Hera for that. Isis. Whatever - the baby she stole. Where was that baby?
"Kiss me," she breathed, "you sexy thing."
He did so. The man knew how to follow orders, that's for damn sure.
"Touch me, baby," he requested, his voice strained. She slipped her hand between them and grabbed his member, also straining, and stroked him dutifully, making him moan. "You sexy thing."
"I love the way you touch me, darlin'," Laura encouraged, wrapping her leg around his hip and pulling him closer. "You sexy thing."
Bill entered her and they both gasped at once at the blessed, pleasurable union. "You're sexy," he said.
It was true love.
"Oooh, baby baby, oooh baby baby," Laura panted. "Push it. Push it good."
Bill pushed it real good. "Some people call me the space cowboy," Bill admitted, in between thrusts. "Some call me the gangster of love." He seemed to lose his concentration, which was understandable since he was in the middle of frakking the woman he'd been trying to frak all day. "Some people call me Maurice."
The hell? Laura wondered, looking at him quizzically. Oh, Maurice. Like the adult film star - because of the mustache. Now she got it. He was like Maurice in more ways than one, she thought, as he pounded into her with his somewhat short but extra-girthy cock.
"'Cause I speak of the pomipitous of love," Bill explained. He had no idea what 'pompitous' meant, but it sounded good.
Laura just shook her head. The man talked way too much during sex. "You say it best when you say nothing at all," Laura said, irritated.
She flipped them over, straddling him and sliding up and down, but not very far, since his cock was not that long but very wide. Like a tuna can. "Here we go, here we go," she moaned.
"Tell me, where are we going?" Bill groaned back, thrusting up into her. He felt like he was going to Paradise City.
"Take! Me! Hooooome!" Laura yelled. Damn, she was a screamer. Bill wondered what she was talking about, since he obviously could not take her back to Caprica. He could make her come, though, and with a few more thrusts from his extra-wide dick, he did just that.
"Cause I don't remember," she whimpered, clinging to him.
Bill was close, as well. "You pull the trigger of my love gun," he moaned, then his love gun fired. Repeatedly.
"You fill me up, buttercup," Laura panted, her leg falling from his hip, as she was spent.
"Build me up," Bill corrected, rolling off of her with a heaving sigh.
But that doesn't make any sense, Laura thought. Oh, whatthefrakever. She waited for him to cool down to take another round, then moaned as he shoved himself into her again. "Now I'm back in the ring to take another swing," Bill said.
Oh, the hells yeah, Laura thought as he rocked her amadeus.
After the fourth mind-blowing orgasm, Bill finally got up to put his clothes on. "Just touch my cheek before you leave me," Laura pleaded. Sex made her needy, but she knew Bill had to walk the two hours back to his meeting with Baltar. Oh, wait, she was going to go too. "I'll follow you until you love me," she amended.
Two hours later....
Bill entered Colonial One for his meeting with the frakweasel president after getting his groove on with Laura for at least four hours straight. His sexy thigh muscles were pretty tired, but oh well. "The foulest stench is in the air," he muttered.
"Hate on me hater, now or later," Gaius said in retort. Bill hadn't realized he had been speaking his thoughts aloud, as he usually spoke them silently. He turned his attention away from Bill, and back to the pile of pills on his desk, muttering to himself as he so often did. "I take one, one, one 'cause you left me and two, two, two for my family and three, three, three for my heartache and four, four, four for my headaches and five, five, five for my lonely and six, six, six for my sorrow and seven, seven n-n-no tomorrow and eight, eight, I forget what eight was for but nine, nine, nine for a lost god, and ten, ten, ten, ten for everything, everything, everything, everything."
Wow, Bill thought, watching Gaius swallow half of New Caprica's pharmaceutical supply. That is one frakked up bastard. Such a shame that there wasn't anything I could do to keep him from becoming President.
Baltar looked up again at Bill, his eyes wild. "I need you to hurry up now," he said, "'cause I can't wait much longer."
What the frak, Bill wondered. He was the one waiting. Whatever. "I'm not afraid to take a stand," Bill began, adopting his most Admirallish pose. He looked around at the random people who always seemed to be milling around Colonial One. "Everybody!" Bill commanded, "come take my hand." Everyone looked at him strangely except Gaeta, who ran over and entwined his fingers with Bill's. Hoshi quickly joined them, holding Felix's other hand.
"We'll walk this road together," Hoshi promised.
Baltar seemed completely disconcerted by the sight of the three men holding hands in front of his desk. "Go on, now go!" he said suddenly. "Walk out the door!"
Not sure to whom he was speaking, all three of them left. "So long," called Bill.
"Farewell," added Gaeta.
"Auf wiedersehen," said Hoshi, in his native Aquarian. "Goodbye."
Despite his agitation, Gaius smiled. He did so love that movie.
- finis -
Authors: icedteainthebag and flamingo55
Rating: MA. Very.
Word Count: 5,885 words too long
Spoilers: New Caprica. Has anyone not seen that yet? No? That's what we thought.
Authors' Notes: Please, we beg you, put down the coffee before you read this. We take no responsibility for any damaged screens or keyboards. Also, we do not own these characters, and the people who do would probably die if they saw what we'd done to them. We have written this fic in our trademark (maybe) lyrical style - that is, every snippet of dialogue is a lyric from a song. Any song. Ever. Apologies to Peter, Paul, and Mary, KISS, Barry White, Phil Collins, Guns N' Roses, Eminem, Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, Michael Jackson... oh, frak it, apologies to everyone, everywhere.
One day, Admiral Bill Adama was Admiralling on the Galactica when he got a message over the comm link. It was from the former President, Laura Roslin, now down on the surface of the planet they called "New Caprica." Bill had pushed for "New Tauron," but no one wanted that. He was kinda pissed about it, truth be told. But as opposed to "Gaiusland," he guessed it was all right. He told Hoshi that he'd take the call in his Ready Room. Hoshi just looked at him oddly, as the Admiral did not have a Ready Room. Which was too bad, because he so often needed to be ready. Bill sighed and told them to put it through to his quarters, instead.
"Annie, are you okay?" he asked, as he picked up the line.
Laura sighed. She would never understand why Bill insisted on calling her by her middle name. She should never have divulged it during that drinking game. Still, it was so good to hear his voice - she started to reply, but could only manage "Ooo, ooo, ooo."
Bill spoke gently. He missed her too. "Say, say, say, what you want," he encouraged.
Laura gripped the radio and took a deep breath, getting hold of herself long enough to invite Bill to Baltar's 'Binge Drink Today For A Brighter Tomorrow' groundbreaking ceremony. Laura doubted that the days would get any brighter on this frakking planet, but she figured it was a good excuse to see Bill. "Won't you come? It's emergency."
Bill cringed a bit. Laura's grammar was usually impeccable - what the hell had happened to her on that planet? Meh, probably nothing important. "Nothing can stop this burnin' desire to be with you," he assured her.
Laura was relieved, but nonetheless apprehensive. "Don't play games with my affections," she warned.
Bill was offended. Of course he would never do such a thing. Oh, sure, he'd kissed her once, spent every day at her bedside when she had that bad case of terminal cancer, and even danced with her once - then pretty much ignored her, and reminded her of her impending demise as he refused to help her steal an election. But none of that was actually playing games, he figured. "I'll be there," he said.
He went back to Admiralling.
Later, while brushing his teeth for the fifth time that day, he started thinking about Laura's invitation. For too long, they'd been dancing around their "responsibilities," but since Laura now had none to speak of, that excuse was wearing thin. Seriously, all she seemed to do down there all day was write stories in her little book. He wondered if they were stories about the characters from Dark Day, like he wrote sometimes. Woman didn't even feel the responsibility to brush her hair anymore. Bill decided that something needed to change. "I'm starting with the man in the mirror," he said, no longer thinking it strange to talk out loud in an empty cabin. "I'm asking him to change his ways." He being the man in the mirror. And change number one would be to get Laura into his bed ASAP.
Meanwhile, back on New Caprica, President Baltar was leading a group of nubile young women in song. He was hoping they'd sing at the ceremony the next day, but the rehearsal was not going well. "Pretty young things, repeat after me, sing na, na, na."
"Na, na, na," they replied, but horribly off key.
Baltar sighed in exasperation. Perhaps another song would go better - one as easy as Do-Re-Mi. He loved that movie, especially the part where all the little children went to bed one by one, each with their own little dance. There were seven of those children, just like there were seven known Cylon models. He couldn't deny the coincidence.
"Ma ma se, ma ma sa, ma ma coo sa," Baltar sang slowly.
Once again, the choir made a hash out of the song. Baltar dismissed them with a wave of his hand, turning to Felix Gaeta. "I'm gonna thrill you tonight," he promised.
Felix beamed. "Tonight won't be just any night. Tonight there will be no morning star."
Around the corner of the choir tent, Hoshi cried a single tear into his beer. "One is the loneliest number..."
~~~~~~~@
Laura was freshening up in preparation for Bill to come. Literally. If this was unlike all the other times the two of them got together, they might actually get their frak on.
"Anticipation, anticipation, is makin' me late, is keepin' me waitin'," she hummed to herself, but nobody else. Frankly she was tired of anticipating. It was time for Bill to make his move. It had been so long since she'd had sex because the stress of the Presidency made her lose her entire sexual drive. She hadn't even thought of sex in longer than she wanted to admit. Luckily as President, she didn't have to admit anything to anyone. But now that she wasn't President, it was back even more strongly than when she was frakking President Adar. She wondered why being President hadn't made him lose his sexual drive entirely. Probably because he was a crap President. Not as bad as Baltar, but still. But Baltar still had a sexual drive, she had heard. Maybe only the good Presidents lost their sexual drive, and that is why she lost hers, but she had now regained it, since she was no longer President.
Unfortunately, being the only teacher on New Caprica meant she had to report to work every day, even on days when all she could think about was getting her frak on.
This was most days.
Laura ran her fingers through her hair and put on her new clothes - her red skirt of awesome and the red wrap and purplish gray-green beigey cami. Of course. What else would she possibly wear? She had to look her best in case Bill came early. She hoped he wasn't that kind of lover. She whipped open her flaps and then shut them again. As she tied a knot in her door, she felt a presence behind her and turned around. It was that skeeve Gaius Baltar, looking particularly manic and unkempt. "Don't wanna see your face, you better disappear," Laura spat. President or not, that frakweasel needed to get lost.
"I want your love," Gaius said. Plain as that.
"Love....Love? Love??" Laura repeated, furrowing her entire brow. She had no concept of this strange 'love' thing the now-President of the Colonies (or was it just President of New Caprica) spoke of.
"I want your love," Gaius repeated. "I want your love, and I want your revenge. You and me could write a bad romance."
"Ohhhhhh," Laura backed up, shaking her head. Bad romance indeed. He was beginning to sound desperate. If this was how he usually scored with chicks Laura would lose faith in the female gender for sure. She held up a hand to stop him from coming closer. "You can't touch this."
Gaius began to pace. He was obviously not thrilled about Laura turning him down, much to Laura's amusement, but she tried not to look bemused. "Sent you money, sent you flowers, gonna worship you for hours," Baltar muttered. Laura took it in stride - she was used to being worshipped, since she was the Dying Leader© and all. Except now she wasn't dying. Or the leader. Still, she liked the worship part, and she figured the money and flowers were on their way.
Gaius was visibly and audibly distorted as his voice wavered and his hand sifted through the long strands of his unclean hair. "If you change your mind, I'm the first in line," he said in his trademark staccatoed accent. "Honey, I'm still free. Take a chance on me."
"Don't go wasting your emotion," Baltar's Head!Caprica warned. "Lay all your love on me." Or I will snap your scrawny neck, was the implied message.
"Do you hear what I hear?" Gaius whispered, looking around frantically. Laura stared at him. The guy was obviously frakkin' insane. It was probably syphilis gone straight to his brain. Gods damn Bill Adama for not letting her steal that election. Now this was the kind of leadership they had to deal with. Laura made note to really take it out on Bill when he showed up. Hopefully in some sort of sexual manner.
"Mamma mia," Laura huffed, rolling her eyes. "Here I go again. My my, how can I resist you?" Her words were tinged with sarcasm, dripping from every syllable like honey off a stick. Slowly.
Deliciously.
Gaius smirked, looking sly as a fox. "Oh, you can take your time, baby. I'm in no hurry. Know I'm gonna get you."
Laura was about to put on her meanest bitchface and really tell Gaius where to shove it when Felix Gaeta danced by, seemingly at random. "Dancing queen," he sang in libretto, twirling in circles with his arms spread. "Feel the beat of the tambourine."
Gaius and Laura both stared at him and watched as Hoshi followed. "Love isn't easy but it sure is hard enough," Hoshi muttered.
Gaius was obviously more flustered at the sight of dancing Gaeta. He shifted on his feet, cleared his throat with many ahems and shrugged. "People need hope, people need loving, people need trust from a fellow man," he said, taking off after them in a very hurried manner.
"I'm on the highway to Hell," Laura sighed as she headed to the schoolhouse.
~~~~~~~@
Later that morning, Bill's Raptor landed on the New Caprican soil. He was in a great mood - he had the day off from Admiralling, and he was pretty damn sure he was going to get laid that night. Maybe even that day. He strode out onto the wing, proclaiming, "I'm bad, I'm bad, you know it." Damn straight they knew it.
He was going to go find Laura, but instead went to sit and play in the sand. He needed to make up a reason for playing in the sand instead of finding Laura, so he called them alluvial deposits and made it sound like a big deal. He knew she wouldn't question him because every other time she questioned him, she was wrong, and she was probably tired of being wrong all the time.
Luckily for him, Laura came looking.
"Lady in red," Bill cooed. He hoped she would be dancing with him soon. The horizontal bop, perhaps.
Laura greeted him in return and sat down. "You give me fever like I've never, ever known," she confessed.
Damn, Bill thought. His plans for the evening were all frakked up if Laura was ill. He was pleased to see that he'd badly misread the situation, however, when Laura pulled out two hand-rolled cigarettes and handed him one. Bill took a long drag and expressed his pleasure, then asked what it was.
"Ain't nobody's business," was Laura's retort.
Bill just nodded. He really didn't frakkin' care as long as it loosened them both up a bit. Mostly her. But not too much. Not that kind of loose.
"I'm ready for love," Bill finally said. He might as well flat-out tell her why he was down there. Her face fell. It looked painful. "Oh, baby, I'm ready for love," he repeated, wondering why she was looking so disappointed.
"Workin' nine to five," she sighed. "What a way to make a livin'." She stood up to go, as school was about to start. "Talk to ya later," she said, disappointed.
"Don't go!" Bill cried.
"These boots are made for walkin'," Laura explained as she walked away. While being the only teacher on New Caprica kinda sucked, it was also awesome in that she could show up late and stoned and no one could do anything about it.
And Bill realized, as she walked away, that he so loved those black knee-high lace-up New Caprican boots. But he realized that he couldn't really sit around for eight hours and fantasize about boots alone while he waited for Laura's workday to end, so he decided to do what everybody else on the planet seemed to enjoy doing, besides frakking: drinking.
He found his way to Joe's Bar - good ol' Joe, who could set up bar wherever he had a cardboard box, an old athletic sock and something to distill. Bill had never even seen the guy, but he was certain Joe was a good man. He certainly had a good business model: supplying alcohol to a bunch of depressed people. Bill respected a good businessman. It was very Tauron.
"I'll take whatever you have," he said to the bartender. Maybe that was Joe, he thought.
He got shoved a dirty glass full of something amber. "Whatever," Bill said, tossing it back. The bartender gave it to him again. He acquiesced, drinking it. It reminded him of the fumes of a Viper when the essence hit his sinuses.
Bill was happy to see that many of his crew and some of the civvies were dancing to a makeshift band. Resourceful people, the lot of them. He asked one of them why they were all getting drunk before lunch instead of working. "Ain't never gonna work, get down in the dirt, I choose, to cruise," the man replied.
Well, that explained why the place was such a disaster after they'd been settled for so long.
Bill thought it was a shame that Laura hadn't won the election, after all. Then he decided that he didn't care, and gave the man some of his trademark inspirational advice.
"Make the most of every day, don't let hard times stand in your way. Give a wham, give a bam, but don't give a damn," Bill told him, holding his glass in salute.
A moment later, Bill saw his son, Lee, drunk and careening around the room in an attempt to dance with his wife Dee. It was a traditional Saggitarian Throwdown, so Lee thought she'd love it. "Zig-zag, cross the floor, shuffle in diagonal. When the drum hits, hands on your hips, one-footed one-eighty twist," he called. Dee was having none of it, so she left to go back to the ship. Bill was pretty sure he was the only one who noticed and for a moment that made him pretty sad. Then he thought about what he might be doing at 5:01 p.m. when Laura got off work and he felt very happy.
Lee wandered over and found Starbuck sitting alone at a table. Unsure how to handle the situation, he said the first thing that popped into his mind. "Jitterbug?"
Kara just stared.
"Jitterbug?" Lee repeated. Kara finally realized that he was asking her to dance, but she declined.
"I'm never gonna dance again," she told him. "Guilty feet have got no rhythm." Sadly, she looked down at her boyfriend Sam, passed out under the table. Maybe if he stayed passed out, Lee would hang out with her later under the moon.
Over in the corner, Helo was on stage, performing. "Quick to the point, to the point, no fakin', cookin' MCs like a pound of bacon." Kara rolled her eyes. She hated it when Helo tried to pretend he was all "street" when everyone knew he'd graduated from the most exclusive private school in Caprica City. Rumor was he dated some Graystone chick who was the great-grandchild of the first Cylon or something, Kara wasn't quite sure. Nonetheless, he seemed to have a taste for skinjobs. Athena seemed to be lapping it up, though, mouthing the words with him and nodding her head as he "rapped." "I grabbed my nine, all I heard was shells."
Yeah, right. Helo couldn't shoot the side of a barn.
"I'm pretty fly for a white guy," Helo finished. Athena batted her eyelashes.
Kara cackled and tossed back another drink. Just then, Galen Tyrol wandered by, complaining about the supply problems on the planet. Again.
"If I had a hammer," he explained. "I'd hammer in the morning. I'd hammer in the evening, all over this land."
Lords knew there was hammering to be done, Kara thought, but how hard would it be to just make the damn thing? Man could build a still, but not a damn hammer? What a bag of wind.
"Stop. Hammer time," Athena said, as emphatically as she could.
"I wanna be your sledgehammer," Helo growled. He nearly emoted, but not quite.
Thank the gods, Kara thought as Helo, Tyrol and Athena left to do... hammering. Kara suspected it had nothing to do with carpentry or getting drunk. Sadly.
Meanwhile, Lee was stumbling around, drunk, and stumbled toward her, drunk. Again. "I am the son and heir of...nothing in particular."
Disgusted, Bill turned to Kara. "The kid is not my son." He was especially pissed that Lee had just referred to him as "nothing in particular." Maybe he meant Carolanne, that bitch.
Kara burst into giggles. Oh Frak, Bill thought, he WAS his son. Damn!
"I am human and I need to be loved," Lee wailed. "Just like everybody else does."
Bill just shook his head. Of course Lee was human - Bill knew humans when he saw them, like Saul, and Ellen. No way those two could ever be Cylons. His heart could tell the difference. He had no idea where Lee got his overly emo tendencies from. Probably that bitch, Carolanne. He hated to even think about Carolanne with all of her cunning wiles and her long well-manicured fingernails. After Ellen and then Carolanne (that bitch) he had sworn off the naturally blonde women for good. He was so glad Laura wasn't a blonde, or a bitch. If she ever dyed her hair there would be serious problems.
There was only so much of Lee's emo that he could take. It was now time to find who and what he came down to the surface for.
Laura Roslin. And sex.
Bill walked over to the schoolhouse tent. It was where Laura spent most of her time these days. He knew it was her new job, but he really couldn't stand children. He took another drink in order to prepare.
"A B C...easy as 1, 2, 3," he heard Laura say from outside the tent flaps. Oh, frakkin' A. There was something about the idea of Laura teaching anything to anyone that turned him on.
He was hot for teacher, he supposed. And he realized that he had it bad, so bad, when the last subject of the day turned out to be sex education.
"Sex is natural, sex is good, not everybody does it, but everybody should," Laura began. Bill was puzzled - this did not sound like the Up With Abstinence! curriculum that had been promoted by President Adar. Like he was the poster boy for fidelity. Bill made an audible Pssshhing sound and Laura cast him irritated eyes. He stopped while recalling Laura had confessed one night that she had frakked the president; she said nobody even knew if he was married, and she hadn't even cared! Bill was glad she was a little more picky now when it came to her carnal relations. Bill guessed that the speech Laura was giving had to be the kickoff of her acclaimed Up With Frakking! curriculum, because gods knew the Fleet needed more babies. He looked over to find Laura finishing up the lesson. "Sex is natural, sex is fun, sex is best when it's one-on-one."
After what seemed like a really long time, but was actually fourteen minutes, the little brats all left. Laura asked what he'd like to do that afternoon.
Bill thought for a moment. "Why don't we get drunk and screw?" he suggested, having gotten totally horny during Laura's sex discussion. Okay, hornier.
Laura thought that sounded like an excellent idea. "Teacher's gonna show you how to get an A," she purred.
But where?
Laura's mind raced. At the drive-in, in the old man's Ford...behind the bushes, 'til I'm screaming for more. Down in the basement, lock the cellar door... Suddenly, she realized none of those places existed, except the bushes, so she went with that. "I know a place where the grass is really greener. Warm, wet and wild, there must be something in the water."
Bill was keen on this idea, especially the warm, wet, and wild part. He hoped it would involve not only water frolicking and pondering of grass, but wet frakking and smoking of grass.
Bill and Laura set off on a hike to her cabin site. Or, as Bill liked to think of it, the weed patch. Sadly, on the way they discovered that someone had put a fence in their way. He turned to Laura, struggling to find a way past it. "It's too high to get over," he said.
"Yeah, yeah," Laura nodded thoughtfully. "Too low to get under."
Bill searched and found a small gap in the fence, and squeezed through, cutting his leg. The pain was thunder.
"Cuts like a knife," Bill groaned. Laura immediately came to his aid. She whipped off her red wrap and wound it around his wound, giving him a spectacular view of her breasts as she leaned over him, her hand on his thigh. "Oh, but it feels so right," he added.
"Everybody hurts... sometimes," Laura said with a radiant glow of empathy. "Hurts so good."
"Be my lover, wanna be my lover?" Bill asked.
"La da da de da da, da da." Yes, that was a solitary bird he heard singing in the trees.
Laura began to kiss his neck. Oh yeah, he thought. This is the life.
"Looking back on all the time we spent together, you oughta know by now if you wanna be my lover," Bill explained.
"If you wanna be my lover," Laura purred, "you gotta get with my friends."
Friends? Bill wondered. Who did she mean, exactly? Maya? Well, she was cute enough, but that Foster woman scared him. Still, he was up for most anything.
"I need some love like I never needed love before," Bill explained, figuring that this statement was vague enough for her to interpret his openness to her bisexualism, despite his lack of experience.
"Wanna make love to you, baby," Laura responded. "Let's work it out, boy."
Oh, phew, Bill thought. She did not say 'you and Maya' or 'you and that freaky oracle lady.'
"I'm hungry like the wolf," Bill rasped. Laura gasped. His growling, sexy voice was nearly wolfen. The desire to be devoured by this Admirally beast was more overwhelming than ever.
She took his hand and tugged on it with a seductive grin and a flash of her green eyes and they walked along. Too long of a walk, Bill decided as they walked longer, but hopefully, it would be worth it.
And it took about two more hours.
But finally they got to their destination and they were alone, looking over the stream that fed her weed patch... cabin site, Bill corrected himself. He was a bit dismayed, as it looked like she hadn't done any trimming. Laura stood looking at the sunset over the mountains, the sounds of cicadas and the bustling stream kinda pissing him off. He could barely hear himself think. But if he could, he knew he would only be thinking one thing. That being, how much he wanted to get into her skirt, as it were. "Turn around," Bill commanded.
Laura seemed not to have heard him. "Every now and then I feel a little bit lonely and you're never comin' 'round."
What? Bill wondered. He was here now, that was what mattered. "Turn around," he repeated.
"Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears," Laura went on, oblivious to Bill's command.
"Turn around!" Now Bill was just annoyed. She was deliberately ignoring him, probably too busy crying. He supposed he could frak her from this position, but it would be complicated. Much easier if she'd just turn the frak around.
"Every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by," Laura continued.
Duh, Bill thought. Cylon war, remember? Exasperated, he tried one more time. "Turn around."
"Every now and then I get a little bit terrified but then I see the look in your eyes."
Bill wondered if she was in some kind of a chamalla trance - her eyes had seemed to be glowing earlier. "Turn around, bright eyes."
Finally, Laura turned around. "Every now and then I fall apart."
Bill was so used to her ignoring him, he said it again. "Turn around, bright eyes." Damn, now she was back the other way.
"Every now and then I fall apart," she echoed, as if he hadn't heard her. Gods damn it, woman, was his thought.
"Turn around," he pleaded. He was getting desperate. Luckily she listened to him. Now maybe they could get busy.
"Every now and then I get a little bit restless and I dream of something wild," she said, slipping her arms around his neck. Now she was talking. He could get down with something wild from one of her fantasies.
"Turn around," he said, his arms around her waist, which fortunately meant that they just started dancing in circles while looking into each other's eyes. He used the opportunity to rub himself against her thigh and it felt quite lovely.
"Every now and then I get a little bit helpless and I'm lying like a child in your arms."
Okay, way to foul the mood. For the sake of the gods, Laura, enough with the children. "Turn around," he said, though he was talking about the conversation topic more than anything.
"Every now and then I get a little bit angry and I know I've got to get out and cry," Laura continued, her eyes glassy as her fingers stroked the back of his neck. He wondered what could possibly be making her angry. It seemed like she had a pretty good life down on the surface.
"Turn around," he demanded gently. One thing he couldn't stand was watching somebody cry.
"Every now and then I get a little bit terrified but then I see the look in your eyes," she whispered, kissing him deeply with a little whimper in the back of her throat.
Thank the gods he didn't have to say turn around again.
"Forever's gonna start tonight," Bill promised. He was good at making and keeping promises, he thought. "Forever's gonna start to--"
"Once upon a time I was fallin' in love, now I'm only fallin' apart," Laura interrupted, her breath against his lips. What was this frakkery, now?
"There's nothing I can do," Bill said. Because he had no clue what she was talking about.
"Total eclipse of the heart." She kissed him again, harder, and he closed his eyes because there is only so much looking into eyes a person can do. Hearts, eclipses, solar flares, what the hell ever, at this point he needed to get her to the ground and pound into her like never before. He had been waiting over two hours. She could turn around then.
Not having much luck with his commanding, Admirally tone, he decided to try a softer tack. Chicks liked that, he found. "You can lay your head back on the ground and let your hair fall all around me," he said. "Offer up your best defense, but this is the end... this is the end of the innocence."
Laura wondered who exactly he thought was innocent around here. Not her! But she decided it was best not to argue with his dreams of having a lovely, virginal young, well, maybe not young, maiden for his very own. That being said, she was curious about the physics behind laying her head on the ground while her hair fell around him; would he be behind her, perhaps? There was no way her hair could fall upward. Sometimes Bill made no frakkin' sense when he was trying to be romantic. Or anytime, sometimes.
Then she decided she was too stoned and then she realized Bill was kissing her with his hand up her cami. "When I'm with you baby, I go out of my head. I just can't get enough."
Bill, however, had definitely had enough. "It's getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes," he pleaded.
Hot in here? Laura thought. They were outside. Whatever, it was hot, and she happily complied with his request. He gave her a lecherous look, which made her all atingle. It had been too long since a man had looked at her like that.
"We got a real kinda thing goin' down, gettin' down," Laura told him, slipping her slender arms around his thick neck. Bill hoped there would be much goin' down and gettin' down.
"I believe in miracles," Bill growled as he laid her down on the grass, making sure there were no rocks. Getting laid in the aftermath of the human genocide? He truly did believe in miracles now. "Where're you from, you sexy thing?"
Laura looked at him quizzically. He should definitely know this bit of trivia. She wondered if he often frakked women without knowing their hometowns.
"I believe in miracles since you came along, you sexy thing," he continued. It set her soul at ease a little bit then. She was a miracle. And a frakkin' sexy one at that. That half-cylon blood had done wonders for her hair - someday she'd have to thank Hera for that. Isis. Whatever - the baby she stole. Where was that baby?
"Kiss me," she breathed, "you sexy thing."
He did so. The man knew how to follow orders, that's for damn sure.
"Touch me, baby," he requested, his voice strained. She slipped her hand between them and grabbed his member, also straining, and stroked him dutifully, making him moan. "You sexy thing."
"I love the way you touch me, darlin'," Laura encouraged, wrapping her leg around his hip and pulling him closer. "You sexy thing."
Bill entered her and they both gasped at once at the blessed, pleasurable union. "You're sexy," he said.
It was true love.
"Oooh, baby baby, oooh baby baby," Laura panted. "Push it. Push it good."
Bill pushed it real good. "Some people call me the space cowboy," Bill admitted, in between thrusts. "Some call me the gangster of love." He seemed to lose his concentration, which was understandable since he was in the middle of frakking the woman he'd been trying to frak all day. "Some people call me Maurice."
The hell? Laura wondered, looking at him quizzically. Oh, Maurice. Like the adult film star - because of the mustache. Now she got it. He was like Maurice in more ways than one, she thought, as he pounded into her with his somewhat short but extra-girthy cock.
"'Cause I speak of the pomipitous of love," Bill explained. He had no idea what 'pompitous' meant, but it sounded good.
Laura just shook her head. The man talked way too much during sex. "You say it best when you say nothing at all," Laura said, irritated.
She flipped them over, straddling him and sliding up and down, but not very far, since his cock was not that long but very wide. Like a tuna can. "Here we go, here we go," she moaned.
"Tell me, where are we going?" Bill groaned back, thrusting up into her. He felt like he was going to Paradise City.
"Take! Me! Hooooome!" Laura yelled. Damn, she was a screamer. Bill wondered what she was talking about, since he obviously could not take her back to Caprica. He could make her come, though, and with a few more thrusts from his extra-wide dick, he did just that.
"Cause I don't remember," she whimpered, clinging to him.
Bill was close, as well. "You pull the trigger of my love gun," he moaned, then his love gun fired. Repeatedly.
"You fill me up, buttercup," Laura panted, her leg falling from his hip, as she was spent.
"Build me up," Bill corrected, rolling off of her with a heaving sigh.
But that doesn't make any sense, Laura thought. Oh, whatthefrakever. She waited for him to cool down to take another round, then moaned as he shoved himself into her again. "Now I'm back in the ring to take another swing," Bill said.
Oh, the hells yeah, Laura thought as he rocked her amadeus.
After the fourth mind-blowing orgasm, Bill finally got up to put his clothes on. "Just touch my cheek before you leave me," Laura pleaded. Sex made her needy, but she knew Bill had to walk the two hours back to his meeting with Baltar. Oh, wait, she was going to go too. "I'll follow you until you love me," she amended.
Two hours later....
Bill entered Colonial One for his meeting with the frakweasel president after getting his groove on with Laura for at least four hours straight. His sexy thigh muscles were pretty tired, but oh well. "The foulest stench is in the air," he muttered.
"Hate on me hater, now or later," Gaius said in retort. Bill hadn't realized he had been speaking his thoughts aloud, as he usually spoke them silently. He turned his attention away from Bill, and back to the pile of pills on his desk, muttering to himself as he so often did. "I take one, one, one 'cause you left me and two, two, two for my family and three, three, three for my heartache and four, four, four for my headaches and five, five, five for my lonely and six, six, six for my sorrow and seven, seven n-n-no tomorrow and eight, eight, I forget what eight was for but nine, nine, nine for a lost god, and ten, ten, ten, ten for everything, everything, everything, everything."
Wow, Bill thought, watching Gaius swallow half of New Caprica's pharmaceutical supply. That is one frakked up bastard. Such a shame that there wasn't anything I could do to keep him from becoming President.
Baltar looked up again at Bill, his eyes wild. "I need you to hurry up now," he said, "'cause I can't wait much longer."
What the frak, Bill wondered. He was the one waiting. Whatever. "I'm not afraid to take a stand," Bill began, adopting his most Admirallish pose. He looked around at the random people who always seemed to be milling around Colonial One. "Everybody!" Bill commanded, "come take my hand." Everyone looked at him strangely except Gaeta, who ran over and entwined his fingers with Bill's. Hoshi quickly joined them, holding Felix's other hand.
"We'll walk this road together," Hoshi promised.
Baltar seemed completely disconcerted by the sight of the three men holding hands in front of his desk. "Go on, now go!" he said suddenly. "Walk out the door!"
Not sure to whom he was speaking, all three of them left. "So long," called Bill.
"Farewell," added Gaeta.
"Auf wiedersehen," said Hoshi, in his native Aquarian. "Goodbye."
Despite his agitation, Gaius smiled. He did so love that movie.
- finis -