Fic: "What about now (What if you’re making me all that I was meant to be)" PART 2
3. October
For all the things that never died,
To make it through the night,
Love will find you
He’s not sure what’s going on, why things suddenly seem to spiral out of control … again. He’s in over his head and he doesn’t really know when that happened.
No girlfriend, then. Which means that Jensen might even be available. If he goes for guys that is. And he's learned his lecture about that to last a lifetime.
But Jensen has taken over his mind in ways he’s never expected to happen. Not like this. Not this fast. Green eyes and freckles. A laugh bright and happy. And Jensen tries to be a good man even though Jared makes it hard for him. But he can’t bring himself to be open, to be himself again.
Not yet. Maybe not ever again.
He’s managed to keep his life separated from the team, the college life and everything else so far but he’s slipping. He finds himself in situations he’d wanted to avoid more often than not. And of course some guys on the team - mostly Tom - have heard about his story. He'd expected things to go rough sooner.
It’s been in the news after all. And a year, apparently, isn’t long enough to make people forget. He’s just not sure if Jensen's ignoring it or if he really has no clue, has never read about it all. But then his momma always told him how everything outside New York is different, that people don’t care as much about gossip and the inner workings of the high society in New York.
So, maybe that’s a reason. People here, just don’t care.
His teammates don’t seem to care.
He gets looks from Tom, though. Like Tom knows something.
Jensen seems to be a good captain - even without a C on his jersey - talks to each player, trying to find out what’s still not working in the team or in training. Jared starts to feel like this time it might work out for him. He hopes so.
He loves the ice. Loves that he seems to fit into the team even though people still don’t know how to take him.
He can live with the curious looks and with the flicker of recognition on some faces. He can live with Tom’s dirty smirks or his checks during training, most of which either Jensen, JD or some others reprieve Tom for.
What he ccouldn’t live through, though, would be the look on Jensen’s face once he knows the truth, knows what kind of a coward, what kind of an idiot his roommate really is. For some reason Jared’s mind has attached itself to Jensen and what Jensen might think off him. It’s unreasonable and sure as hell not healthy.
He can’t help it though
So he flees most of the times. Runs from everything he can’t deal with, like he usually does. He buries himself in work, in books, in papers and most of all in gaining even more control over his body and mind.
He flies and jumps, vaults and simply flips. He sort of flees reality even though he still uses this time, the moment where his body is in control, to think, to come to terms with his muddled feelings and thoughts.
And he even has friends now.
Chad was there so suddenly. Implemented himself into Jared’s life. One day in the locker room he starts talking and Jared lets him. He lets him and a few days later talks back. It’s easy. No commitment or hidden agendas he always suspects.
Chad is just… Chad. Hard to explain but surprisingly easy to get along with.
Jared’s not sure if that's a good thing though, because the guy's really something else. Team mascot and really sort of a douche. But Chad talks so Jared doesn’t have to… most of the times.
Jared flees and runs.
Free and in control.
He knows the campus now, knows every single corner and where he can be alone. But he also knows that he isn’t alone anymore, because he’s found others and he can admit that it’s fun running in a group.
His runs take longer now, take up almost all his free time. He can cover almost all of the campus. Knows where he can climb and jump high, where he can vault and use the trees as well. He’s landed on his ass more than once when he grabbed the wrong branches. And yet his body feels good despite the falls, or maybe because of them.
He loves being outside far more than he loves being on the ice. Ice time is what's there to get him through college. It’s what he’s good at and he likes it well enough. It’s lost its shine somewhat in New York, though.
Free running is still all bright and good. Not tarnished by others, by words, by actions. The wind is chilly but the sun is still out and Jared loves the feeling of it on his skin.
His hands grab onto to the back of the bench and he lifts himself up into a handstand. Straight line of body, never wavering, never moving when not meant to. He stands there for a while, looks at the world overhead and finds new ways to move, new ways to discover mobility. It will all look different once he’s back on his feet. He doesn’t mind. It’s another challenge.
He likes it. Likes finding ways to cover ground, to take cross the distance. Never the same way even if it’s the same space, the same place. Vaults are done differently every time he goes over the low wall in front of his dorm. Flips, wall walks, landings. Never the same.
The campus has become his home. The walls, the stones, the trees. The rooftops looking down over the city. He goes flying, from roof to roof, jumps and slides down the walls. Uses benches and flower-beds to propel himself forward, to move and climb and fall. Movement is what makes him feel. He can’t sit still, can’t let this mind take over, can’t be catatonic again.
His fingers clench around the wood of the bench, he flexes his muscles, relaxes them again. Just a tiny pump, a small movement with his arms and he goes. Roles in the air and flips over the entire bench. He lands, sees the world from a different angle again and goes running the other way.
Jensen never really gets the talk out of the way before the season starts.
And before he knows it, they're right in the middle of the first game and losing it badly. It’s epic really and Jensen hasn’t lost this badly since junior high. It’s not the score that’s bad but his performance, the whole team’s performance, sucks harder than he expected it could.
The team gets rough in the last third, provokes 2 minutes twice, and flails over the ice the rest of the time. The guys starting it all, Tom and Matt, are already two of the players Jensen has on his list.
JD's so mad that he doesn’t even shout anymore, just stays silent while they file back into the locker room after the 1-4 loss.
They sit on the benches for a while, moving slowly, licking their wounds. They're in Vermont and there’s still a bus ride home waiting. For the first time in ages, Jensen wishes they were home and he could just vanish. He can’t deal with the tension right now and he doesn’t even know why.
He's been captain for a year already, he should know what to say, how to talk to his team.
Jensen tries to talk to every player on his team, during every session, after every game and whenever they need to talk. Sometimes though he feels like he isn’t listening or doesn’t know which words to use. People tell him it isn’t so.
He watches his team skate, watches how they form lines, tells them to switch positions to see if that works better. He works on plans and strategies with JD, listens to what his players tell him. But still he thinks he’s not really up to par with everything.
He wonders when that started.
If he’s honest, it had already started during summer campor before that even. He’s been asking himself over and over again if this is what he wants. Trying for a spot on a professional team? That was before he got the offer for grad school, got applications send in early because he knew he had to.
His head isn’t with the team as much as it should be and it seems like his heart isn’t either. But this is his last season, his senior year and he can still feel it in his gut that they might have a shot at the trophy. He should feel different. He tries to feel different, fights with himself to get it back.
Jensen grabs his towel, gets ready for the shower and doesn’t so much as glance around the room. The sight isn’t doing much for his mood but at least JD isn’t shouting, not yet anyway. Jensen slowly gets up from the bench and starts dragging himself towards the showers, and others get ready, too. They all want to go home. Starting the season like this hadn’t been part of the plan.
“Man, this sucked so bad,“ Tom whines.
Jensen can’t help it and snaps: “Shut up, Welling.”
He isn’t in the mood for this. He had thirty two shots on his goal, according to the statistics, and let four in. He’s tired and sore and really, really doesn’t want to argue right now. Only Tom thinks otherwise.
“Oh great Ackles, you let the pucks through. You’re the goalie, shouldn’t you be able to catch at least one?” Tom is standing in his way now, pumped up and menacing. Jensen blinks.
“Tom. This is really not the right time nor the right place. We’ll have a debriefing tomorrow, during training. And as far as I recall you play on a defensive line. But man, this is just the first game. We’ll get it. Just.. calm down a bit yeah?” Jensen says with smile he hopes has a calming effect. For a second it seems like he failed, Tom’s eyes narrow and he steps even closer. Jensen fears for a second he said the wrong thing there, be he really didn’t want things to get out of control there.
But then Tom nods and steps away. “Sorry,” he mutters, contrite, and Jensen even believes him. Nerves can be tricky in certain situations or that’s at least what Danneel always tells him when he’s a nervous wreck.
“The next game will be better.” It’s Jared. And Jensen jumps a bit, because this is the first time Jared has ever really spoken out when around the team. “We.. we played good. Just some minor things.”
Jensen looks around, tries to gauge how the team takes Jared’s sudden presence and is relieved when he sees several others nodding along with Jared’s words.
“Yeah, right. As if you know how to win. Fag.” Jensen whirls around and comes face to face with a sneering Tom. Doug not far behind with a derisive “yeah” on his lips.
What the hell? This goes beyond anything Tom’s ever said to steer up things, this goes beyond anything Jensen would ever allow in his locker room or on his team. He opens his mouth ready to take Tom down a notch or two when JD is suddenly there.
“Welling! Lombardi!” JD’s voice booms through the room and everyone just freezes. "In here. Now!” The door to the coach’s room slams shut, rattles in its hinges and for a second Jensen thinks the glass will shatter. For an insane moment Jensen wonders why the guest locker room has a coach’s office.
Then he shivers.
How the hell did things get this screwed up in his team? His teammates look flustered, embarrassed or annoyed, though none of them seem to think Welling was right to be so out of line.
Jensen turns away from the office where he can hear JD clearly. Everyone else ducks their heads and shuffles silently around the locker room. Everyone goes back to what they were doing. Only Jared doesn’t.
Jared stands frozen between the bench and the lockers. He’s pale and trembling slightly, staring at the spot where Welling had been.
Jensen frowns.
“Jay?”
Jared snaps out of it, shakes his head and then just walks off, out of the room. Just then and only then does Jensen realize that Jared is already fully dressed. He wasn’t even in the shower.
“You.. uhm.. you could maybe talk to Jared?” Jensen blinks at Chad. Chad, who looks a little flushed and is still dressed in the mascot’s costume, save the eagle head of course.
“Wanted to anyway. You know what’s up?” Jensen hopes Chad might be able to shed some light on it all but all he gets is a slight head-shake and an apologetic shrug.
“Not really. Just… that it was bad in New York. He’s not exactly talkative. I think he just hangs with me because he doesn’t need to talk.”
“Yeah, you're doing it all.” Jensen smiles but it feels strained. “I’ll try. Even though it feels like I'm missing something big here.”
Chad pats him on the back but doesn’t offer anything else. Jensen stands there for a minute, tries to sort the mess in his head and then just gives up. Not tonight.
Jensen doesn’t get to talk to Jared until they are back in their dorm room. Jared’s already huddled in his bed, face to the wall and back to the rest of the room. JD had wanted to talk to Jensen when they stepped of the bus. But he had let him go when Jensen could barely follow the conversation and was fighting to keep his eyes open.
Jensen is wide awake now.
He fiddles with his things, stows everything away and then takes his time in the bathroom. He gets ready for bed. Something is making him less confident. He’s used to talking with people, dealing with problems within the team. But something about Jared, about this makes him feel less competent to even approach the subject.
Okay, so he’s a goalie. They are a special kind of their own. It’s mostly true that goalies have strange ticks and superstitions, Jensen does have those as well. But he’s supposed to lead the team, he still knows how to talk to his guys.
Why not now? He thinks that it maybe has something to do with the fact that for some reason he doesn’t want to hurt Jared, doesn’t want to speak about it at all. What he doesn’t know is how to bring it up without doing both of the things he doesn’t want to do.
Jensen sits down on his own bed, takes in how neat the room is and for the first time ever really looks at the pictures and posters on Jared’s side. It’s like he suddenly sees a whole new side of his room mate. There are posters with people jumping and flying and Jensen doesn’t really know what it is but they make him stop for a second, hold his breath and just look.
They are beautifully photographed, just a snapshot, a moment, a single movement fluidly in motion. Just looking at them now takes his breath away and he wonders how he never saw them before. There are also pictures in subtle wooden frames on the small sideboard; people Jensen only can assume are Jared’s parents. They look as neat and controlled as Jared’s side of the room does.
Jensen has absolutely no idea who Jared really is or what’s really going on with him and the team. He’s been too busy - with school, with life, with Mike’s girl problems and Steve’s money issues. He been busy, helping others but totally neglected his own roommate on that regard.
“I’m sorry, Jared,” Jensen says towards the shape on the other bed.
Jared shifts a little but doesn’t turn around. He’s tense, as if he’s expecting something bad to happen. Jensen hopes that what he has to say won’t count as bad. He really does.
“What for?” Jared mumbles and still doesn’t turn. But Jensen knows he has the guy’s attention. Right in this moment Jensen realizes that despite the way Jared talks, plays and behaves that he’s indeed very young.
He wonders what Jared went through to become this wary and suspicious. Jensen also wonders how smart the guy really is because he knows Jared excels in all his classes, JD bragged about it often enough.
“Uhm… not seeing what’s going on in the team? I know Tom can be a dick.. but I’ve never seen him like this. I just… I have no idea what’s up and I’m sorry for that.” Jensen just hopes Jared believes it.
Jared turns then, looks tired and resigned, like he has been waiting for something like this to happen and for Jensen to comment on it. But there is something else in the look he gives Jensen. Something Jensen can’t really pinpoint or interpret. It feels a little like Jared is expecting him to freak out or lash out or something. Jensen blinks, confused. Jared sighs after a bit of an awkward silence.
“It’s.. well, it’s not like Welling isn’t right. Just, I thought maybe no one would know here or at least not mention it. I mean.. it was all over the news and tabloids… so I guess it was a vain hope. I always do that, hope for the impossible.”
Well, that clears things - except not really. Jensen looks at Jared, at the tired eyes and the frown lines that make him look older than he is. Jensen really has no idea what Jared's talking about and it doesn’t make him feel any better.
Jared smiles a little then, gentle and Jensen thinks Jared has figured him out a bit. “You have no idea what I’m talking about huh?”
“Yeah… no. Not really. I don’t know if you’ve figured it out just yet but I’m not really into the gossip world. I might be savvy with graphic programs and stuff but that doesn’t mean I spend my time on flashy websites,” Jensen answers, smiling and hoping to dissolve the sudden tension in the room. He doesn’t need that right now.
Jared laughs, loud and barking, maybe for the first time ever since Jensen has known him. It sounds carefree, like he doesn’t have a care in the world. It’s new and surprising, so much that Jensen can’t help but grin all wide and happy himself.
“Okay. Good. Really… I… it was bad and I... You can check online anyway, it’s all there. The whole story told from the gossip point of view… so yeah.” Jared stutters then, already crawling back into the shell he seems to spend most of his time in. Jensen doesn’t want that.
Jensen can’t stand by and watch it happen.
“Jared. It’s okay. Tell me when you feel like it.” The notion that he won’t check up online is implied, doesn’t need to be said aloud. Jensen tries not to but a tiny part of his brain cheers about the fact that Jared just maybe sort of came out to him.
Jared stays silent at that and Jensen thinks he would, too. Because, what exactly can you say to that anyway? When he speaks up again Jensen has to strain to hear him. Their window is open, letting in the cool evening air and the noises from the nearby dorms as well. Jared’s voice is soft, vulnerable and Jensen again wonders what happened to Jared.
“It’s… it’s not going to be a problem, right?”
“What?”
Jared frowns a little, looks at Jensen as if he’s expecting much more of a reaction but Jensen can’t figure out what the appropriate one should be in Jared’s eyes - or maybe it’s the one Jared has always gotten so far and is waiting for it now.
“Me being gay. I mean, I just said Welling’s right so… that.. I.. I don’t want to leave the team. I like it. I love playing. I just… I mean, I know I’m not the only one… but I guess I’m not lucky enough to have that twice on my team. Just… tell me if you do it, yeah? Not… not in front of the team,” Jared sounds so broken, so resigned that Jensen almost gets up and hugs him. Almost, because he’s not really sure it would go over so well right now.
“No! God, Jared no.” Jensen’s reaction almost feels violent, feels like he has to say more but can’t. All the power put into one word and Jensen can’t gather any more energy. But he thinks it’s enough already because Jared is looking at him alert and curious.
Jensen knows he’s not out himself, knows that Jared might not have a clue at all and that Jensen is sort of hiding it. It still doesn’t mean Jensen would ever do something like throw Jared out of the team for liking boys.. men.. guys, whatever.
“I’d never do that. Man, it has nothing to do with your position on the team or with the way you play. I mean you don’t get too distracted by staring at guys in layers of things, right?” Jensen winks at Jared, hopes it takes away some of the seriousness, hopes that he doesn’t come across as a total douche there.
“Not much to see. No,” Jared answers softly. Jensen can see a small smile tugging at Jared’s lips and counts it as a small victory.
“Would be hypocritical of me anyway. To judge you.” Jensen almost whispers, not sure why he’s saying it right now, why he feels the need to lay it all out in the open. It’s not like he’s coming out to Jared or is admitting anything. It just feels like it. Jared stares, blinks, swallows and stares some more. Jensen feels a little awkward, doesn’t know what he really wants to happen now or what he wants Jared to say.
In the end, Jared doesn’t say anything and Jensen almost sighs with relief. There isn’t much to say anyway - well, Jared could confess his love and make it so much easier for Jensen to do the same - not that Jensen is in love. Not really, just a little infatuated maybe. He’s trying to convince himself so anyway.
Okay… so maybe his crush his growing and doesn’t show any signs of stopping any time soon. Jensen thinks he might have to sit down and think really, really hard about the things that have just happened.
Right now he’s still sort of stuck on being a little smug and triumphant of making Jared speechless and staring at him as if he’s suddenly grown a second head. So instead of saying anything he looks at the posters over Jared’s bed again and gets a little lost in the pictures.
“Parkour.” Jared’s voice snaps him out of it, makes him jump and knock his knee against the bedside table. When he looks over he sees Jared grinning slightly and rolls his eyes. Jared sticks his tongue out and laughs. Jensen thinks he’s getting used to the sound already. And seriously? How pathetic is that?
“What?” He belatedly asks and sees amusement flicker over Jared’s face, or over the part that he can see in the shine of the small bedside lamp that is the only source of light in the otherwise dark room.
“Parkour. That’s what they guys on the posters are doing. The posters you’ve been ogling for the last twenty minutes. Man, they have been up there since the day I moved in,” Jared says with a grin. He seems more relaxed now, less sad, less tired. Jensen approves.
Jensen also blushes at the mention of his zoning out and apparent lack of interest in Jared’s things so far.
“Parkour? Like the running and jumping over things thingy?” Jensen feels a little stupid asking but he also likes the opening it gives him. He wants to talk to Jared, wants to know more. And talking about the pictures, about the feeling they evoke in him, well - it might make things a little less awkward between them.
Or it might make him crush even harder on Jared.
“Yeah, Jensen, like the running and jumping over things thingy.” Jared is very good at repeating exactly what people say in a voice that is beyond mocking. A few weeks ago it would have pissed Jensen off like nothing else, now it just makes him roll his eyes at Jared again.
“Cute, Jay. Really.”
Jared blinks. The dimples are on full display. Jensen sighs, silently, in his mind and doesn’t feel love struck at all. It’s not that bad. It’s really not.
“So parkour, yeah? You into that?” Jensen really wants to know more and considering that Jared’s smile gets impossibly wider he thinks he’s asked the right question.
“You could say that, yes. But not that strict parkour they do as competitions these days. I don’t know.. More like freerunning. It’s… uhm… my life? I don’t know how to tell you without getting into every sordid detail of my life right now. I just… I can’t. Not now. But let’s just say Parkour sort of saved me. It’s… it makes me feel. Makes me feel free and in control at the same time. Man, I don’t even know if that makes sense at all.” Jared sighs again, obviously frustrated. He huffs, bounces on the bed while he turns fully to face Jensen.
Jensen desperately tries not to stare at the strip of bare, tanned skin that’s revealed where Jared’s shirt has moved up. He tries to look at something else in the room, something less tempting, less hot. He fails on the entire line.
“Just tell me how you got into it? I’ve absolutely no idea what Parkour really is, save for the things I’ve seen on the news or your know, in movies.” Jensen settles against the wall and leans his back against the second pillow he’s brought from home, which Danneel and Chad mock every single time they see it - what can he say? He loves penguins.
He’s looking at Jared and Jared is looking back, head turned and body sprawled comfortably on the bed. It’s the most relaxed Jensen has ever seen Jared.
“Okay… I think I was about fourteen or so, my parents took me and my sister to France. My brother was already at college and didn’t really want to come anyway. I was mad at him the entire two weeks we spent driving from one French holiday spot to another. It was some sort of diplomatic summer camp or whatever. Diplomats and their families, meeting up, spending huge amounts of money and hooking up.. I guess. Like the royal wedding market just for higher diplomats. Boring as hell.” Jared shudders at the memories, Jensen can see the shivers running through Jared’s body and again tries not to stare too hard or too obvious.
“So I was stuck there.. among all those spoiled brats, without anyone at my side. Jeff, my brother, used to be there with me. We’d go and explore, do mischief and have fun. But that year I was on my own. Was miserable. Until we got to Paris.” Jared smiles then, obviously stuck in a memory and Jensen uses the moment to look.
Jared seems different somehow. Happy, relaxed and not hiding anything for a brief moment. He’s so lost in memories that Jensen thinks the earth could shake and Jared wouldn’t feel it.
“So I was there in this hotel, in the lobby being bored, waiting for my parents and watching a movie… Didn’t know that time it was ‘the’ movie. I was enthralled. By the movements. Didn’t understand most of it back then, my French sucked, still does. Guy walks up, says something and I must have looked really stupid, staring back at him open-mouthed. So he says it again, in English this time. Asks if I like what I’m seeing and points at the TV.”
Jared actually looks wistful then and Jensen wonders who that guy was and how he could have impressed a 14-year-old Jared this much.
“Anyway, guy introduced himself as Romain, there for a convention of sorts and ask if I wanted to see the real thing. You know? The movie? That was “Banlieu 13”.. uhm "District 13".” Jared smiles all wide. Jensen nods, because yeah, even he has heard of it.
“I didn’t even ask my parents. Just got up and left with him. Stupid, I know. Looking back on it I think I was really just a stupid brat. And I guess the fact that Romain was damn hot played a role as well. He took me to the convention. He was part of a free climbing team doing a movie and they were filming Parkour crews that day. Just seeing it live ... Man, it was great. So damn different from anything I’d seen in my life. Strange and beautiful. Nothing like I could have ever imagined. And I sound stupid now.” Jared stops, looks down at his hands folded over his chest and frowns.
“No you don’t. You sound like someone who has found something.” Jensen groans inwardly, because he sounds stupid now. But Jared’s small, wistful smile makes up for any kind of embarrassment anyway; Jensen takes what he can get.
“Yeah.. in.. in a way, maybe that’s true. Those moves… I was twitching already just watching them. Romain, he.. well I guess I had a crush on him… and he took me out every day. My parents asked but didn’t seem particularly interested… Megan was occupied with another diplomat’s kid and well… I was off on my own. I think they needed time for themselves. Parkour was just something I could do at that time… but then it sort of grew into something more. I feel free doing it. I feel in control with every move I make, every jump, every vault.”
Jared shifts on the bed, rolls to his side and watches Jensen for a while. Neither of them says anything. Jensen doesn’t really know what he could say to that anyway. He sort of knows what Jared’s describing. He’s felt that way about hockey for almost all his life. And Jensen wants this feeling back.
“I think I spent about three weeks running the streets of Paris before my dad realized something was up. He wasn’t mad but… well, momma freaked when she saw. Was worried I’d hurt myself and all that. They just.. they didn’t and still don’t get that’s not about risking something but about doing moves you know you can do. I never risk anything.. well not with this anyway. But yeah, this stayed with me ever since that summer.. My dad never took me on that round-trip again, but then I guess he knew I would’ve just run off again.”
Jared stops then, still looks lost in memories with that small smile on his lips. Jensen’s lost, too. Lost in thoughts and speculations. He doesn’t know what to say, lets the silence hang for a while. It’s not awkward like before when they weren’t talking. But it’s not really comfortable either.
In the end Jensen blurts out the next best thing on his mind. He tries not to cringe when the words are said but he kinda wants to hide anyway.
“So wait, your dad’s a diplomat?”
Jared blinks as if Jensen just asked the most inane question ever. Jensen has to admit that he feels like he did.
“Uhm yeah. I… oh damn… I totally forgot. I signed up with my mom’s maiden name. They made me, due to security reasons, which is bullshit by the way. Anyone who wants to know can figure it out. But yeah, uhm.. my name’s Jared Padalecki… not.. uh yeah.”
Jensen doesn’t know what to say.
Everyone knows the name Padalecki. Or well, at least everyone who’s as interested in foreign affairs and politics as Jensen’s dad is. Jerry Padalecki used to be a household name in the circles Jensen grew up in and Jensen can’t believe he hasn’t figured out who Jared is sooner. He’s read his file for God’s sake, or well half a page of it. He has a sister with her nose constantly in tabloids and gossip rags. How the hell could he have missed that?
“Wow. Your dad is Jerry Padalecki. Okay, call me stupid, but I didn’t expect that.”
“So you’ve heard the name then huh?” Jared sounds like that’s exactly what he’d expected. He sounds like he’s used to being judged based on the name and on what his father does. Jensen remembers now that he’s heard the name around even when his father wasn’t talking about all the political happenings in the worlds. The Padaleckis have been constantly splashed all over every single magazine Jensen can imagine, how he’s missed Jared being one of them is beyond him.
“Yeah.. my dad works for the Governor. Writes his speeches and so on. So yeah, he’s always trying to get us interested. Talked a lot about foreign politics. I know your dad’s name. But that’s about it.”
Jared snorts and flops back down onto his bed. “Man, you must be the only one on campus who has no idea who I am. You’re either really oblivious or the most uncaring fuck I’ve every seen. But then I think that’s not really true. And really, in the beginning... I thought you were sort of stuck up or didn’t like me or something. But you just have no clue at all. That’s kinda cool actually.”
Jensen doesn’t know if he should feel offended or not, because he’s not clueless. He’s just not into gossip. And come on, no one can really blame him for that. Half of the shit isn’t even true. He can’t even begin to count the times his sister called about news concerning Brangelina that ended up being already old or untrue during the next phone call.
“As I said I’m not really into the whole gossip scene. Sorry. You just have to tell me things about you from now on, if you want me to know stuff.” Jensen tries for deadpan but thinks he’s not quite pulling it off when Jared laughs and shakes his head. “And I’m not stuck up.. I’m just reserved.. and.. “
“And shy. I know.” Jared grins then. Slow and teasing. Jensen huffs. He’s not shy either. Not at all. He doesn’t know where people get that from. Just because he doesn’t share his life story with everyone he meets doesn’t mean he’s shy.
“Chad told me. Anyway, okay. Got it. Tell you when I want you to know stuff. So my family has money, isn’t all that usual despite that we really are. I’ve been traveling half my life and my dad got me into university in Finland when I needed to get away. I love my family but sometimes I can’t deal with them and their status in society. That good for now?”
Jensen nods. Unsure about what to say and not really wanting to say anything at the same time. He’s basking in the fact that Jared actually said something about himself without Jensen really prompting him.
Jared opens his mouth to say more and Jensen perks up a little when the door crashes open. Jensen jumps, violently and actually curses out loud. Jared snorts.
Chad is there.
Chad is there, in his eagle costume and stuck in the door way. Like, literally stuck in the frame, struggling to get free again, flapping arms - wings - and cursing up a streak. Jensen blinks stupidly for a second before he looks over at Jared. Then he can’t hold it in anymore and cracks up, Jared right there with him.
“Dudes! I swear this bird put on some weight over the summer. Man, if this was a turkey I’d even understand it. Come on, stop laughing, help me. Fuckers.” Chad whines and Jensen is laughing tears.
The flash takes them all by surprise and has Chad squawking indignantly. Jared is just smug, wipes tears from his cheeks and puts his cell phone away again. Jensen so knows what will be the main header on the teams website just before Thanksgiving.
“Don’t even dare to think about using that picture, Ackles.” Chad almost growls, which sends Jensen off again and Jared along with him. They laugh for a while, watch Chad struggle some more until he comes flying through the door and ends up spread-eagled on the floor. Jensen thinks it’s a fitting image.
Danneel stands in their room now as well, arms crossed and with an expression on her face that can only be described as satisfied. “I always wanted to kick his ass. Was a valid excuse to do it now.”
“Hey.” Chad yells from the floor, trying to roll around and get up. Jared is already snickering again, not even trying to move and help Chad. Jensen just grins.
“What? You were stuck. I did you a favor right there Murray. Now stop rolling around on the floor and tell the boys why you are in a costume and running down their door,” Danneel says while throwing herself on Jared’s bed, the one closer to the door, but Jensen thinks it’s tactic and he gives her a grateful smile. The look in her eyes tells him she gets it, it also tells him that Chad has planned it all.
This is a distraction set up for Jared. His friends, Jared’s friends now as it seems, want to cheer Jared up. Jensen has never loved them more, on the other hand he’s a little afraid of what exactly they’ve planned.
But really… sometimes, he loves his friends. Right now, he loves the fact that Jared seems to be included into their little group as well, and even if it’s just by default. But Jensen thinks Chad actually really likes Jared.
“Oh yeah, right. Can some please help me up? I’ll be the one getting you free drinks after all.”
“Drinks? Man, I’m 19.” Jared says all amused.
Danneel actually gapes at him and Jensen snickers. He knows Jared’s younger than all of them and knows that he’s not your usual junior. He feels sort of elated to realize that he’s apparently the only who knows that.
“19? But you’re a junior.”
Jared looks flustered now, a little embarrassed and really kind of cute that way. Jensen smiles and Jared shrugs.
“Graduated high school early. Went to NYU, shit hit the fan, fled to Finland, JD knows my dad and now I’m here. That’s the short version if you are okay with that one for now.”
Danneel looks at Jared for a minute, face open and relaxed but Jensen knows she’s looking for something. What exactly, he doesn’t know. Maybe if he’s the right one for
their circle of friends or the right one for Jensen. He really doesn’t know. When she smiles and nods Jensen knows she’s found something in Jared.
Chad, who has managed to get back onto his feet, flaps his arms - wings - again. “Who cares. Jen’s almost 22, so he’ll buy the drinks anyway. And hey, I can, too. Anyway, Pub off campus offers half price for Eagles fans, costumes welcome. Thought I’d take out the real thing. Gotta be good for something today.”
Chad looks like his chest is swelling even under the stupid costume, he stands all proud and tall. Like a tall and proud eagle, save for the ruffled feathers and the missing eagle head though. Jensen snorts.
Jensen sees Jared shrug again and for a second he can already hear the rejection, the excuse for why Jared can’t go. So Jensen’s rather surprised when Jared speaks again.
“Yeah, okay. I shouldn’t. It’s a school night and game day. But yeah, okay. Let’s go.”
Chad lets out a whoop, Danneel hooks her arm under Jared and Jensen’s left to form the rear as they all file out of the room. Jensen so doesn’t mind because it gives him a good look at Jared’s ass in those tight jeans he’s wearing.
Jensen snatches his wallet and the keys, locks the door behind him and feels like this might be a start of something new. And he should really forbid his sister to watch High School Musical in his presence. It’s screwing with his head and his musical analogies.
4. November
What about now,
What about today,
What if you’re making me all that I was meant to be,
It’s a chilly and grey day and the wind is crisp.
Feels almost like it cuts through his skin. A slight drizzle makes everything slippery and shiny, but it’s not enough to soak through his clothes just yet. It’s getting colder and soon it’ll be too cold to be outside for too long in nothing but his running clothes.
The sun hasn’t been out in a few days and he misses it. There’s still so much Texas in him that he’s to adjust to the New England climate. New York was different, but it’s still nowhere near what he was used to in Texas. Finnland doesn't really count, it was just a year after all, no chance to really get used to it.
He eyes the path carefully. It’s early enough that people are sparse and that he’s got a bit of time for his routine. He runs for a mile or two, then looks for new paths, new ways of crossing the campus. So far he’s always found them. And they were always new.
He needs this right now. Needs to be away from life, needs the freedom of space to get his head straight again. He almost laughs at his own joke but then just grimaces at its lameness.
His mind wanders. He knows it shouldn’t, that he needs to concentrate and focus, but he can’t help it. Things are strange right now and this is the best time to think about them. This is his only time in the day where he’s really alone.
It’ll change in a few minutes and today he isn’t sure if he wants the others to join him or not. It’s a recent development and he can’t tell if it’s the sport or if it’s him drawing people in. He rather wants it to be the first of the two options.
He still doesn’t understand how Jensen was so clueless. Even Chad and Danneel figured it out pretty fast. So maybe a gossip mag helped them with it but still… He still has to smile at Chad’s dumbfounded look and Danneel’s smirk when they figured out that the name attached to the pictures is his real name.
Some of the team have figured it out, too. And Jared thinks he really should talk to his dad about those supposed security matters. He’s had to explain things way too often lately. The team’s laying off of him, some even talk to him now. Jared can live with the distance.
The thing is, he never anticipated anything good happening to him here. He just wanted to go to school, play hockey and maybe hide for most of the time. Now he suddenly has friends.
Friends he hangs out with, has classes with and can talk to. Friends that are not Jensen, the guy he apparently seems to have a huge crush on. He’s not really thinking about it. Common sense tells him not to open the box in the back of his mind where he shoved the whole conversation he had with Jensen.
One tiny voice, though, keeps on telling him that he understood every single word Jensen said and that Jensen really meant it that way. Jensen admitted something there. It’s just that he’s not ready to believe it. He knows he’s getting attached again. He knows this much, at least. Except this time feels different. Somehow real. And it scares him. Scares him like only a few things in his life have so far.
He can’t help but look. Not in the showers or anywhere open. Never that. He’s learned his lecture. The hard way even. But in their room he cannot not look. Jensen’s just there, being Jensen. Honest, nice, gentle, caring. Not to forget dorky and seriously hot.
Sculptured body, freckles everywhere that drives him crazy. Gree eyes sparkling almost every time Jared looks into them. Jared's mind is occupied with Jensen.
But this isn’t the right time nor the place. Even if he seems to spend most of his time with Jensen and his group of friends lately. They go out more often, explore the city together, even though Jensen has been here for over three years.
It’s fun. But it’s a little too much sometimes.
Then he has to get away, has to lose himself in something that’s easy and not complicated. Something that has nothing to do with his family or the way people - teammates - look at him, whisper about him, judge him. He has to get away and do something that’s just for him.
Jared squeezes his eyes shut.
He sees it, sees the way his body would flip and jump and move. Romain always gave him shit for just calling the jumps and vaults and never using any real slang. Of course he knows the terms, can tell you what a cat balance is or a dash vault. But he thinks the movements are pretty self-explanatory and everyone just watching wouldn’t be interested in names and terms anyway. At least he never is when he’s watching it unfold.
Jared does all the vaults, spins, dashes and precisions. He knows what he is doing, he doesn’t need words for it. It’s the feeling he’s after not the title for best term inventor or something. But then he’s never been as puristic as Romain and his friends.
Jared uses new ways, moves that have no names yet and he doesn’t even try to find any.
The grass is damp, not yet soaked. His sneakers slip and slide and he has to adjust his movements accordingly. He runs, gets warm and loosens his muscles.
Today he’s going to take the steps. He needs to get to O’Neill Library anyway, so the path he has in mind is perfect for what he wants. Just jumps. No flips or spins. Just the forward movement. His life is moving, he should be, too.
The concrete structures on the upper end of O’Neill Plaza are perfect for jumps. They’ll catapult him forward and across the plaza in no time. The construction fence will make for a good base for a nice little wall walk as well.
The concrete steps are few but well placed, with enough space in between and over for him to vault and flip without risking a misstep or causing him to crash into something. And Jared rather likes the red top of the plaza, he can place the gray steps in his vision without losing focus on them.
Jared smiles. Later today it will be Higgins Stairs, where he’ll meet up with the little group that started forming a week or two back. He’s not alone anymore.
He slows down from his light jog, looks around and suddenly feels okay. He hasn’t felt okay in a quite some time. Gets his iPod out and plugs the earphones in. He needs music now. Music to let his mind wander and not be stuck in just one single place.
The beat start slow but increase fast in pace, ideal for his muscles to take it up and go with it. He paces his moves, parallels them with the music, unconsciously mostly. It’s ingrained into him now, after years of just moving to a beat - either just his heartbeat or real tunes.
The drizzle is still cool against his skin and the wind is still crisp. Jared thinks he might start liking it here, that this might actually be a new life after all. He jogs down toward the plaza and tries not to picture someone like Jensen being there with him.
Of course he’s seen Jensen on the ice and for a goalie the guy is really, really graceful. Jensen is the perfect picture of body control and perfected movements. Jared would feel jealous if he wasn’t so enchanted most of the time.
He shakes himself and steps up his pace again. Just in time for the music to really pick up.
He jumps over the low wall of the neighboring green strip in the middle of the way and lands softly on his toes. Then he moves again using the stones along the green as a vault, almost flies over the first of the small concrete pillars leading up the plaza. He only so much as tips against the second concrete pillar and flips.
Just the feeling of air around him, gracing his skin and making him feel every movement, is amazing. He goes flying, suspended in the air for a sliver of a second and feels his heart beat in rhythm with the rest of the world, with the wind around him and the rain falling down.
This is how it’s supposed to be. Beat pumping through him, wind and rain surrounding him. It’s his own personal bubble out in the wide open space of the world. He’s tempted to close his eyes, but doesn’t. Never a moment where he can completely lose himself. Not with this. Never lose control.
Jared laughs a little at himself and then spots something right in front of him. He uses the next tree on the green as some sort of base, hauls himself up, uses a low hanging branch to swing and then drops back down at the other side of the walk way. Always just slightly landing on his toes, never on the whole foot. A perfect Lache and Landing. Another low wall around a flower-bed and he uses it, vaults himself up and a good two feet across way.
It’s amazing, it feels amazing. He can hear Romain in his head, telling him that this was a perfect showcase of control and foresight, of planning and execution.
Jared doesn’t stop. He tries to ignore the images of Jensen right there next to him. It’s a nice dream to have, though.
They win the next two games and things seem to be okay again.
Jensen starts to settle into his role again and doesn’t feel as lost as he did at the start of the semester. There’s still something missing, though he’s not really sure he can talk about it or even define it, should someone ask.
Jared’s different. Not really a different person but not as cold or hidden as he used to be. Jensen tries not to feel too proud of himself because he knows Chad and Danneel play a big role by getting Jared to warm up to them as well. And Jensen is damn happy that Jared and Danneel seem to get along now. Even though he’s still not sure what happened in the beginning to make it all awkward and sad.
Jensen’s also had a long and exhausting talk with Tom and Doug about attitudes and team spirit. They seem to get it. They stay silent, don’t provoke fights on the ice anymore and just let off steam in the weight room or at parties. They still don’t talk to Jared, though Jensen thinks it’s for the best, especially since Jared doesn’t try to talk to them either.
Others on the team seem to warm up to Jared once they see how good he plays and what kind of moves he’s able to do. Jared is by far the tallest player on the ice and their opponents generally seems to think he’s not as fast or agile as the rest of the team. They always underestimate him, which makes the team smirk and the others stare in surprise.
Jared seems to settle into some kind of routine where he shares things about himself but keeps them as generic as he can. Jared is their top scorer after the first five games. They lose two, win two and tie one, and they never go off the ice without at least one goal on their side.
Things are finally looking up, but getting really busy, too. The semester is in full swing and so is the season by the middle of November.
Their room is lived in now, things strewn all over the place and even Jared has given up on trying to sort things out. Jensen knows he’s sort of chaotic when it comes to his things but he smiles every time Jared sighs resignedly and rolls his eyes.
They’re roommates now. Teammates. Maybe even friends, or even something close.
Jensen stumbles over Jared’s physics books one morning when he comes out of the shower and realizes that he doesn’t really know what Jared is studying. Has only seen him on campus and knows that Chad is in one of his classes.
“Jared?”
“Hmpf?” comes mumbled from where Jared is trying to struggle into a soft looking sweater and Jensen smiles. It looks cute, like Jared is five and waiting for mom to help him out. Jensen doesn’t think about it, reaches out and pulls the fabric down.
They are close, very close and Jensen swallows. Jensen just stares for a second, loses himself in Jared’s eyes and has to shake himself a little to get his mind back again. Jared is smiling but looks confused as well.
“Uh.. thanks. You wanted to ask something?”
“Oh yeah.. right. What are you studying anyway? I never asked.” Jensen feels himself flush and ducks away to make his bed resemble a made one. He picks t-shirts up, piles them to be taken to laundry and straightens his folders on his desk just to not look at Jared.
“Uhm.. you... Okay, I’m kind of good at Maths and sciences. Have seen a lot when I was traveling with my parents and I’ve always been interested in geology... so... uhm Geo-science,” Jared sounds embarrassed there, as if he’s used to people mocking him for it and Jensen doesn’t really know what to say.
This is sort of flooring him.... just a little but still enough to make him speechless for a second. And really, as a team captain he should be used to people with different talents and backgrounds. It’s just that Jared surprises him over and over again and Jensen's kind of clueless how to counteract his own reactions towards it.
Jensen knows that Jared is supposed to be this genius, Chad has said it often enough, so did JD. Only, Jensen never really had the chance to actually see it or hear it.
“I’m a geek.” Jared shrugs and smiles. He looks so sheepish that Jensen almost misses the little wink there.
“A hot geek, though.” Jensen nods and immediately feels stupid. It’s like he still regresses into a teenager whenever something close to flirting happens with Jared.
“Well, yeah. Thanks for noticing,” Jared answers and grabs his things. He’s out of the room and Jensen is stuck just where he stands. Yeah, this is sort of going somewhere Jensen can’t follow right now. Jared’s grin has rooted him to the spot.
And if Jensen tries not to blush every time Jared sends him looks during training no one needs to know. Also, Jensen is so damn happy for his goalie mask just then.
The road trips to the games, which aren’t real road trips since they stay in New England and aren’t that far from home, manage to pull the team closer to together. They start talking about strategy, about training sessions and how to improve. They start talking about personal things, too. Jensen just sits in the bus and listens to his team.
Some of the conversations make him cringe, because there really are some things he so doesn’t need to know about his players. Others make him smile and laugh along. And when things get too moody after a poor game, Chad, like the two previous seasons, is the one to make them all laugh again. Jensen would have never thought that a giant fluffy eagle could be the most favorite team member.
Jensen’s so in over his head that it takes him a good while to even realize that things between him and Jared have changed. Sure, Jared still doesn’t really talk, at least not about the things that have happened at his old school, but Jared seems to actually open up to Jensen now. They suddenly hang out, share study time and friends.
They are thrown out of the library several times because they stay too long and talk too loud. They talk, get to know each other and Jensen learns things he’s never thought he’d get from Jared. Not after the start they had.
Jared even starts to make fun of Jensen on a regular basis and doesn’t mind when Jensen flirts back. Jensen likes it, likes the fact that just one normal conversation can be so innuendo-laden that it makes them both duck their heads and grin like idiots. Ever since that morning with Jensen asking about Jared’s classes they haven’t let up on the flirting.
Jared falls right into line with Jensen’s other friends. Lets himself be mocked in return and doesn’t close off anymore after every mention of his supposedly Paris Hilton like status in the tabloids.
If Jared is just one thing, then he’s as far from Paris Hilton as one can be. Jensen’s experienced Jared’s freakishly intelligent brain more than once already - mostly during games and strategy talks but during study sessions that turned heated discussions as well, and sometimes wonders why this guy doesn’t already have several PhDs in his pocket.
Jared says he’s just lazy. But based on the way he goes about his day, Jensen doubts that’s true. Jensen’s crush keeps growing without him really doing anything about it. He tries be Jared’s friend and he thinks he’s doing a fairly decent job at it. Sometimes though he doubts himself, doubts that the looks between them are actually there, wonders if he should be looking this much.
As sleep deprived as he is, he’d actually blame it on the coffee and caffeine induced hallucinations. Only, most of the time, he thinks they are real, the looks, not the hallucinations. At least Jensen hopes that’s the case.
They spent time together; one day Jared actually starts to tell him what he does when he vanishes. It seems parkour really is Jared’s life. Jensen wonders when he’ll get a chance to see it. Jared’s recounts of the things he’s discovered on campus and it makes Jensen long to go with him. It also makes Jensen wish he has more free time and isn’t always stuck either in classes or JD’s office trying to come up with the best line up for the rest of the season.
JD wants every game to be good, every game to be their best, but seeing as his team is not a team yet, Jensen has no idea how to get there. But hockey isn’t his dream. It’s stopped being his way of feeling free and good and instead is a burden. It’s never felt like this before. That he doesn’t have time to just chill, to be himself, isn’t helping either.
There are papers due already and Thanksgiving break isn’t all that far away. Sometimes Jensen thinks he doesn’t know where his head is. He even manages to be even more of a spaz then he usually is during stressed times. He knocks his coffee over five different times within one week.
He almost knocks himself out when he tries to unplug his computer during a thunderstorm and forgets to close a drawer in his desk. He rips his favorite pair of sweat pants when he tries to reach a book that has fallen behind his desk and the fabric gets caught in the edge of the lamp.
Then he manages to flail spectacularly and knock the sideboard from the wall when Jared walks in from the shower in only a towel. They don’t say a word, though. They both just sort of blush, duck their heads and maybe giggle a little. Until Chad comes in, comments on the board and Jared loses it.
Jensen also manages to twist his ankle during training and has to sit out three games. This clearly isn’t his month.
Jared laughs at him every single time Jensen is acting like the biggest klutz in earth and wonders out loud how Jensen can be that graceless on land when he possesses more than enough grace on ice. Jensen tries not blush then, tries to stomp on the warm feeling blossoming in his chest. He fails spectacularly but, judging from the slight color on Jared’s cheeks, he isn’t the only one.
Jensen has to say that he actually quite likes Jared blurting things out instead of hiding and being quite. When talking - maybe even being rambly at times - Jared is quite honestly a sight to behold. And Jensen really wants to hold onto that. It feels good, carefree and less burdened with whatever Jared went through.
No, Jensen still hasn’t looked it up and he shuts Chad down every time he starts with the topic. Danneel looks at him all proud and gentle, which Jensen doesn’t really know how to take. It’s nothing big. He’s just waiting for Jared to tell the story.
On the meantime, Jensen tries not to inflict more injuries on himself. But he has to say that a caring Jared is a very nice thing to have.
Every time Jensen maims himself, Jared makes him sit down and checks him.
When it’s the ankle, he sits Jensen on the bed with an icepack on his limb and his penguin tumbler full of hot chocolate in his hands. Jared even goes and fills it up for him, of course not without mocking him about it first.
Jensen very eloquently defends his penguins. He pouts, full force and it works. It makes Jared blush and leave the room with a muttered ‘fucking pout of doom.’ Jensen smirks at his victory every time he looks at his tumbler after that.
Part 2 Continued