Fic: "What about now (What if you’re making me all that I was meant to be)" PART 2 CONTINUED
It really is fall in New England now and it’s getting pretty cold pretty fast.
Indian summer is an awesome thing as long as it lasts and if you have the time to enjoy it. Jensen misses it due to his busy schedule. He feels like a social butterfly at times, wants to say ‘fuck you’ to all the board members and school officials and who else demands attention, but JD won’t let him off the hook.
And now it’s fall and he hasn’t even taken his camera out once. He promised his sister Mack pictures and now he has to either go and grovel at Danneel’s, or even worse, Sophia’s, feet for pictures or just fess up and surf Google for the photobook his sister is supposed to get for Christmas.
Jensen just goes through his days cursing the slippery mess of leaves on the ground and the low standing sun that gets in his eyes every time he doesn’t need it to. And it’s always way too cold.
His ankle isn’t okay yet, so he spends most of his time inside anyway and only has to curse the leaves when he really, really needs to get outside. He isn’t doing anything but homework. And after a week of it he’s bored to hell.
Kripke even comes by, but not to see how Jensen was, no. Kripke comes by to drop off homework and outlines for the next few weeks. Jensen just glares at the stacks of papers on his desk.
His team comes and goes, occupies the room, making him laugh or groan with their stories. He sees one of the games on TV and yells his lungs out when they’re a goal behind in the first third and then yells again when his team goes and scores seven goals to win the game.
Jensen yells so loud that some of the Freshmen get scared and call campus security. Jared laughs his ass off about it when he comes back from the rink and finds Jensen furiously arguing with the officers over whether he was yelling too loud or not.
Jensen tells Jared off with a “it’s your fucking fault anyway, ass. What the hell was that in the first third, huh? That’s not how we play. You’re a forward, man. Not a fucking goalie. What were you doing so far behind?” Jensen rambles on and actually misses the officers leaving. Jared, though, sits there with an amused smirk and lets him rage about the game.
Later, Jared shuts him up with hot pizza and one of the new penguin tumblers from the recently released winter edition. It’s presented with a little bow around the bag. Jensen knows the bow wasn’t Jared’s idea and the blush on the guy’s face tells him the rest was.
“What? I know you’re obsessed with those birds. Danneel thought you’d like to have it. So.. uhm yeah… we… I… uhm bought it,” Jared stutters, adorably flustered and not really looking at Jensen.
“Awww man, that’s so cute of you. Buying your BFF a present. Man, I so need to get you friendship wrist bands.” Jensen flutters his eyelashes and nods sincerely. Jared looks baffled and for a second Jensen thinks he over did it, that he crossed a line and offended Jared.
Then Jared burst out laughing and flops down on the bed next to Jensen.
Jensen actually manages to stifle his triumphant smirk. It seems, he thinks, that they’re taking it step by step. No steps backwards so far and Jensen’s proud.
“Shut up, man. I’m not a freaking high school girl,” Jared mutters into the arm that he’s draped across his face, elbow touching Jensen’s ribs ever so slightly.
“I know. Thank you. For the tumbler.” Jensen sees Jared’s smile peak out from under his arm and grins in return.
Jensen takes a second to just look down at him, to marvel the fact that they’ve come so far and that Jared feels secure enough, relaxed enough, to just flop down right next to Jensen.
The room suddenly closes in on him, like he’s on hyper focus or something. His eyes still firmly attached to the lean and strong body next to him but he sees the room moving out of he corner of his eye and he knows he should stop. Jensen blinks. Once, twice, three times. Groans a little at the stab of pain behind his eyes. He doesn’t know what’s up but suddenly Jared is in front of him look worried and concerned.
“You okay? You look a bit pale.”
“’M fine. Good. Just tired. Yeah.” Jensen thinks he might have strained his brain, or you know, a muscle in his eye. Or something.
Jared doesn’t look convinced, but when Jensen doesn’t show any sign of reversing his earlier statement he sighs and pulls Jensen down with him. Always careful of the injured ankle and gently cradling Jensen’s head.
Jensen sighs, groans again when his head hits the pillow and he closes his eyes in pure bliss. So maybe he hadn’t been sleeping all that well, with the pain and his thoughts and everything. He realizes now that he might just be really, really sleep deprived. Like seriously so.
“Sleep, Jensen. You need it,” Jared whispers softly and Jensen’s still aware enough to notice that Jared ‘s still right there. Right next to him. He falls asleep with Jared’s fingers carding softly through his hair and Jared’s heartbeat close to his ear.
Jensen wakes up alone. He tries not to think about it.
Some of the team, mainly Chad, even manage to drag Jared out and into the city with them on the following weekend. It’s game free for once and the team uses that chance.
A few days after the tumbler-day, at least that’s what Jensen’s taken up to calling it, Jared comes stumbling back into the room glowing and rambling how great Boston is. Not really giving Jensen a chance to fully wake up from the sleep he was really deeply into. Like really deeply, love-like deeply. Jensen groans but then Jared flops gracelessly down onto his bed and falls asleep straight away.
Chad only says it must have been the Irish beer and doesn’t elaborate any further. He just looks at Jensen for a second and then just sighs.
“Man, this is going to get really fucking complicated soon,” he says. Then Chad pats Jared on the back and ruffles Jensen’s hair, and no Jensen does not squeak no matter what Chad says, and leaves.
Jared snores on, unaware of the confusion and curiosity that’s now keeping Jensen awake. Jensen feels himself twitch with the urge to just get up and make Jared more comfortable on the bed but the second he moves his ankle protests.
So he just lets Jared be, listens to the soft snores and lets himself be lulled back into sleep.
The next weekend sees Jensen still somewhat confined to his room. Not to the bed all the time anymore and he can walk again but his ankle still likes to blow up the size of a melon as soon as he puts pressure on it for more than just a few hours.
So he sticks to his room and only ever leaves for food runs down to the cafeteria or off campus when he can manage it. He phones Danneel at least twice a day when he’s bored and sends her shopping lists via email or text. She comes around almost as often as he calls her.
That Friday, though, she sends a text telling him to stop being such a pussy and get his ass back out of bed. It’s just that the weather really doesn’t make him want to leave or try his luck on the slippery grounds to cross campus and visit her. He tells her as much.
When he gets the answering text he just snorts and maybe feels a little jealous. Apparently Sophia has dragged Danneel off to her parent’s summer house at the beach, that despite it being a summer house has great heating and an awesome indoor pool. Danneel will have a great weekend.
So there he is, sitting around moping on a Sunday while his best friend is off to some spa weekend. The day is gray and rainy. Jensen shivers, the windows is open and he still has an icepack on his ankle. He thinks it’s blue now because of the cold and not because of the bruise. He sinks into the pillow, which feels cool against his skin but not too cold. The rain splatters on the windowsill outside and makes Jensen rather sleepy. He could fall asleep just listening to it.
He wonders where Jared and Chad are while he lies there and tries to be lulled to sleep by the rain and the wind. The wind has picked up during the day and plans to go into the city have been scratched due to the weather.
Jensen sighs dejectedly and ponders about his chance of making it back to bed dry if he should try to hobble across the room to close the window when Jared comes in.
Jared’s drenched and looks like a drowned puppy. But his clothes cling to his body and Jensen can see every defined muscle beneath the fabric. And Jared looks more like a wet dream than a drowned puppy.
Jensen swallows thickly and stares. This is getting ridiculous.
Jared shrugs. “It’s raining.”
“Really? You don’t say.” But Jensen isn’t about to complain about the sight in front of him, because Jared’s wearing black thermals and a tight fighting t-shirt over them, and also black track pants. The scarf slung around his neck and the black beanie cap makes him look like one of those crazy artists Jensen always sees around campus, always clad in the same attire. Only their clothes aren’t as clinging or well fitting as Jared’s.
“Where have you been anyway? It’s Sunday.” Jensen’s just curious because he’s bored.
“Out,” Jared answers. Jensen blinks and for a second he wonders if they are back to the single word answers from the beginning. But then Jared shivers violently and Jensen can hear his teeth click together. Jared’s freezing.
“Running. God, this weather sucks so much. ’M gonna shower, am so freaking cold,” Jared says then, but first goes to shut the window.
“God, thank you.”
“Jen, you know that you can actually get out of bed and do things on your own?”
Jensen tries not to smile goofily at the nickname. Jared’s the only one making it not sound girlish and Jensen’s given up trying to correct him. Jared only said it to annoy him anyway, but now it seems like they both have gotten used to it and Jensen sort of likes it.
“Yeah. But why should I when I have you?” Jensen tries to look as innocent as possible. It’s not working judging from the look Jared gives him. Jared’s also looming over him, which makes him swallow hard and try to direct his thoughts toward something less arousing.
It’s been happening a lot lately, Jensen not being able to control his thoughts anymore. He drifts off into daydreams about all the things Jared could possible do to him that he sometimes has a hard time facing Jared afterward. But if Jared notices, he never says anything about it.
Every time Jared walks into the room from a shower or changes into his running attire Jensen’s mind tries to run of with ideas and dreams to pursue. Jensen strictly sticks to only looking when they aren’t anywhere near the locker room, rink or the team.
It’s not like Jensen thinks he’s too obvious but he never knows. And really, Jesuit college and guys like Tom or Doug make it easy for Jensen to not even think about Jared in certain ways when they are around the team.
“You are one lazy bastard, Jensen Ackles. You’d rather lie here and freeze to death waiting for me instead of moving your ass.” Jared shakes his head in exasperation and trudges off to the bathroom.
Jensen can only grin. He loves that they can joke with each other now.
“Bite me.”
“You wish,” Jared smirks and his head vanishes back into the bathroom.
Jensen jumps when the cell phone on one of the desks goes off. It’s Jared’s. There isn’t the sound of water yet, so Jensen thinks Jared might still be able to hear it. But Jared doesn’t come running.
So Jensen yells. “Jared?”
“Yeah?”
“Your cell’s doing a crazy dance here.”
There’s a crash from the bathroom and a thud, then a curse. “Uh.. could you get it. Please?” Jared sounds panicked and Jensen frowns but reaches for the phone anyway.
“Hello?”
“Oh.. I’m.. I’m sorry. I must’ve dialed the wrong number.” A female voice with a rather pleasant Texan twang utters confusedly. And something clicks in Jensen’s brain. He’s been wondering where this slight slur in Jared’s speech comes from, couldn’t figure it out because it wasn’t there most of the time. But now, listening to the voice, Jensen thinks must be Jared’s mom or aunt or at least a relative. He knows why Jared sometimes sounds like home.
“No, I’m sorry. I should’ve said that this is Jay’s phone. He’s just… uhm… he’ll be right here.” Jensen feels like five right now, his first time answering a phone.
“Are you Jensen? His roommate? JT has told me so much about you. Glad to finally talk to you. Oh, I forgot… I’m Jared’s momma.”
Jensen chuckles a little. “Nice to speak to you, ma’am. Jared should be right here.” There’s another crash in the bath and another curse. “In a minute, I think. I hope Jay hasn’t told too many embarrassing stories.”
“Call me Sherri, please. And don’t worry, he’s talks very highly of you. I’m just glad he’s found some friends after everything. Thank you, Jensen. I know not everyone would stand by Jared’s side,” Sherri says and Jensen thinks she might be close to tears.
Only, he has no real idea what’s going on or what she’s talking about. Jared still hasn’t really shed any light on his past and Jensen refuses to check up on it. So he just says next best thing that’s on his mind.
“Jay’s great. Can’t think of a reason not to like him.” And of course Jared stumbles out of the bathroom just then. He hops on one foot, holds the shin of his other leg and looks very much horrified at what he hears. “Oh, there he is. Was nice talking to you, Sherri.”
Jensen almost laughs at how wide Jared’s eyes go at that. He also feels a little sorry, too. Jared hops towards him and for a second Jensen considers being mean but then he decides against it and holds the phone out.
Jensen’s also trying hard not to stare at Jared’s bare chest. And really, how mean is it that the guy’s huge, build and graceful in everything he does? Jensen‘s aware of the fact that he’s a total klutz off the ice and it’s just not fair.
He lets his gaze travel up and down a muscled back, takes in the slim hips and long legs attached to it. It’s not the first time he sees it this way, but it’s getting harder and harder to tell himself that he’s not really supposed to look. Not when things between them are still new and shaky; and just on a friendship level.
Jensen’s still not really sure where he stands with his roommate. They flirt, heavily sometimes but then they draw back and dance awkwardly around each other. It’s so obvious that Danneel commented on it already, said Jensen should get his head unstuck and finally, really take a step into the unknown. Jensen sometimes wonders where she gets her metaphors from.
“Momma? Hi.. yeah. No. I was.. bathroom. No. No, Momma. Please. Everything’s fine. Yeah. Yeah, he is. Have no time right now, Momma. Really. I’m sorry. Okay, bye Momma, call you tomorrow.” Jared hangs up, stands half naked in between their beds and doesn’t turn to Jensen.
“So, you talk to your momma about me?” Jensen asks. He’s really curious. And maybe sounds way too excited about the prospect of Jared talking about him. He suddenly feels like sixteen again.
“Uh.. well. You were the first one I met. And.. you’re my teammate. Roommate. Yeah. I just.. she wanted to know if I’m good here. She’s worried. So, yeah.” Jared rambles. Jared never really rambles. Jared is always cool and collected. Never rambles.
Only that he apparently does.
“Cool.” It’s all Jensen can say.
He wants to jump up and down and shout that Jared likes him. Like his little sister did when one of boys in her class gave her a Valentine’s card last year. Jensen doesn’t of course. He’s not 16 anymore. Not that he did it when he was but.. yeah. He’s not doing it.
Jared turns at that.
There is a blush staining Jared’s cheeks and he’s ducking his head. But there’s a small smile as well, shy and unsure, like Jared expected Jensen to react differently. It’s a reaction Jensen’s gotten used to by now.
“Cool? Uh.. okay.” Jared shuffles back towards the bathroom. Something just happened between them and Jensen is pretty clueless - again.
“Just one thing.”
Jared freezes, shoulders tensed and head held low. It aches to see him like that and Jensen sighs inwardly. “What?” Jared rasps out low, sounding small and afraid.
“Dude, please tell me y’all love the Mavs.” Jensen just has to say it, just has to comment. Sherri’s twang still fresh in his ears and Jared’s sleepy slur every morning ever present anyway.
And Jared laughs. All tension drains out of him. Laughter shakes his shoulders, ripples through muscles and Jensen really wants to reach out and touch. Only, he doesn’t know if this is the right moment. He doesn’t want to destroy this moment by being too eager, too forward.
“Sorry man, but Spurs all the way. One of us has to have taste.” Jared’s gone before Jensen can come up with a good reply. He’s too busy smiling anyway.
He’s in the shower, shivering from the cold rain water that soaked through his clothes and from the desire he can barely suppress anymore.
He goes out running every time he can.
Needs to be away from Jensen, needs to be away to be able to think, to function. Jensen’s driving him crazy these days. His shy smiles and then the rambling he reverts to when he’s nervous, the powerful growling he can do when he talks to the team, the touches he never seems to notice.
Jensen is driving him out of his mind. Just thinking about Jensen, all fierce and determined on the ice, makes him hard as hell and he moans into the hot water pounding down on him.
He’s been out all day. On the roofs, just sitting most of the time, in the cold rain, and thinking. He doesn’t know what to do, how to react. They flirt. All the time and it throws him. He can barely concentrate in class because he thinks about Jensen. Thinks about how Jensen felt in his arms, how Jensen looks during training, gliding over the ice, all strong and sure.
He thinks about ‘what ifs’ and ‘maybes’ and doesn’t know how to deal. It’s already too late to tell himself he’s not on the verge of making the same damn mistake all over again. He can only pray that things will be different this time.
Knowing himself, knowing his penchant to screw up all the good things in his life, Jared doubts he’d be this lucky.
And so the only time he can forget about everything is when he runs. His jumps are more powerful now. The wallwalks work better now that he knows the stones by heart. He can calculate his jumps, knows what the roofs are like. It’s more like flying and being free, more than ever before.
He has control over this aspect of his life.
And these days he doesn’t mind anymore that he’s found minds like him. People who enjoy discovering their environment and taking control. He’s not alone anymore and doesn’t feel like he’s losing control. It actually feels good to be with people who know what he’s feeling.
The thing that surprised him the most was when Danneel came and asked him about it. She seemed curious at first but then really got into it when he tried to explain about control, endurance and a free mind. He’s never tried to explain it before, just showed people.
He likes Danneel he thinks. And feels a little bad about treating her like dirt the first few weeks. She smacks him once when he apologizes and just says men are stupid like that and that she’s there if he wants to talk about it. He doesn’t know what he did to deserve it.
He sighs. Wills his mind to shut up and ducks his head back under the water. The water almost hurts it’s so hot. He moans again when his fingers slide over his hard cock. He doesn’t dare to grip it though, not when his thoughts are filled with Jensen. It feels wrong, feels strange. But it also feels right.
He grips harder, sure strokes follow and he moans. His mind is elsewhere, focused on a strong, lithe body gliding over the ice, moving with grace and determination. Just seeing it in his mind has him shivering again.
The water pounds against his skin, massages away the cold and tension. He hisses when it directly hits his hard cock. Head thrown back, resting against the cool tiles, water hitting just the right spots and his hand moving restlessly. He can’t help it, can’t not think of Jensen standing shirtless in the room like he did this morning.
He can’t help but see Jensen’s smile, feel Jensen’s hands on his shoulder. His hand moves faster. Release is close. Already starting to shoot up and down his nerves, making him arch his back. He tingles all over. Hot and cold shivers, moans stuck on his throat.
He feels feverish. Lost. Found. Free. In control and so out of it that he sobs when it finally hits him. Streaks of hot come splatter against the tiles, his hand and he can’t stop moving. Has to force himself to stop, his hand and the images in his mind. It’s the first time in a while that he doesn’t feel guilty. He just refuses to.
Satiated and with a small smile he moves back into the spray of the shower.
Part 3