Fic: "Somebody made you smile into their lens” Part 1 c

[icebear_cw]

***


Thailand is so different from anything Jared knows that he finds he actually has trouble settling in. The people here possess some kind of zen mode, but somehow are still busy as hell when they need to be. It’s beyond Jared how someone can live a life stretched between such constant extremes. Jensen only laughs when Jared brings it up.

Jensen also saves his life more than once when Jared tries to brave the traffic around the temple they're working at. After the third time, Jensen had to pull him back forcefully, Jared doesn’t even try to cross the street on his own anymore. Jensen, who still constantly mocks him, doesn’t mention it. Instead, he just smiles and is there when Jared needs to get out of the temple.

Other then during those traffic encounters, Jared doesn’t see much of Jensen. They are both busy, Jensen with photographing every surface of the underground temple and Jared with trying to translate the engravings on the walls and doors. It’s exhausting and mind-numbing at times, but Jared loves it.

Jared appreciates that he can use almost all of his skills and, somehow, he's actually impressing people. More than once he gets to hear that he can’t possibly only be 26 with two degrees and doctorate in the works. Jensen uses every opportunity to tease him about it, but Jared finds he doesn’t mind anymore.

What he isn't doing, though, is sleeping. His brain is overactive and he doesn’t dare to take any of the meds he usually takes when in a safe environment. He doesn’t feel safe at all, not when it comes to sleeping and zoning out.

He knows Jensen wonders. Sees the looks occasionally cross his face when they run into each other in the morning and it’s clear that Jared hasn’t left the temple the evening before. Jensen frowns but holds back with saying anything. Jared appreciates it. A lot.

He hates having to explain to people how exactly his brain is different from theirs and what’s it doing to him. They never believe him when he says he's used to working on little to no sleep for days on end. Somehow he doubts Jensen would judge him, but even so, he still doesn’t want to talk about it.

On some nights, Jared ends up on the small balcony attached to his hotel room, overlooking the pond. He keeps his guitar close and usually ends up playing soothing tunes before he lies down and reads another one of the books he managed to nick from the project office.

Jensen's seen him on the balcony on a few of those restless nights. Walking through the atrium after an evening spent out with some of the site workers and scientists. Jensen actually gets him to join them once or twice.

Jared never sleeps at all during those nights out. He's too busy thinking about the looks Jensen sends his way.

***

A few weeks or so into his stay, Jared has an exceptionally bad night. Not even his usual meds help and he finds himself pacing the room and then the balcony. He's tired as hell, eyes swimming with unshed tears that only appear when he's frustrated and working without sleep for at least 48 hours, but usually more.

He's about to resort to alcohol when he hears a knock at his door. He isn’t expecting anybody, so he's kind of startled by it. But, after a moment, he thinks that any distraction is a good distraction.

He has doubts if this distraction might help with his insomnia when he opens the doors and sees Jensen standing there. Jensen with a guitar in one hand, a camera in the other and a small but tired smile. Jensen had been working non-stop as well and Jared can’t imagine any reason for him to be awake.

“Dude, you should be sleeping.”

Jensen actually snorts at that, moves to step into the room, effectively cutting of whatever else Jared was going to say. Jared just lets him walk inside and closes the door. To say he is confused would be putting it mildly. Jensen is an enigma that Jared isn’t anywhere close to decoding.

“Same goes for you, Sasquatch. I know you haven’t slept in a while, saw you pacing an hour ago and it’s really too hot to sleep. My AC is broken and well … I just thought we could jam a little. Keep our thoughts off of work. How does that sound?”

Jared blinks, unsure what to say. Jensen was the last person he’d thought would offer help. But then Jensen isn’t really the person Jared thought him to be, so perhaps he shouldn’t be as surprised as he feels..

“Uh …”

“Have anything better to do? I mean, other than not sleeping?”

There's a little frown on Jensen’s face and Jared catches himself thinking that it looks kind of adorable. Like really, really cute even though it's accompanied by Jensen raising his eyebrow to unusual levels, which in turns makes it a funny look.

“No. No, I don’t … and yeah. I mean, we can play. It helps most of the time. Just, I don’t know why not today.”

“It’s the heat.”

For a second, Jared isn’t sure if Jensen's talking about the weather or the tension that suddenly appears between them.

“Yeah. Your guitar?”

Jensen's settled himself on the sun chair Jared had moved from the balcony inside the room. It's still close to the open balcony doors, catching any breeze that might drift by. Jared doesn’t know where else to go but his bed. It puts them close together, almost touching. Jared shivers and it’s not because of the slow breeze suddenly coming from the sea.

“Yes. It was my first one. My brother gave it to me when I got to high school. I know it’s silly taking it with me wherever I go but it’s the only one that I have that is not too heavy and fine tuned as well.”

If Jared didn’t know it better he would say Jensen was actually blushing a little. There was a fine red taint on his cheeks that was still visible despite the low yellowy glow of the beside lamps. Jared didn’t want to blame the heat.
His heart beats faster with the sight of Jensen settling in guitar pulled close and eyes slowly looking up at Jared from behind long lashes. Jared tries not to gasp.

“No. It’s not silly. I am doing the same. So I guess… if it is silly we both are then.”

“I guess so. Let’s play?”

Jared nods and follows Jensen’s lead. He doesn’t really know the song, but it’s easy and he catches up halfway through the second chorus. He plugs the chords slowly but surely and when Jensen starts to sing, he only missed one note.

There's something in Jensen’s voice that catches Jared a little off guard. Whatever it is, it's something he wants to listen to over and over again. Jensen humours him and doesn’t even comment or mock, even when Jared tells him how much he likes Jensen’s voice.

They spent the rest of the night like that.

Playing, singing and Jensen taking random pictures. Jared even manages to make him promise to show them to him one day, because Jensen refuses to use the digital display, claiming that he believes it fucks up the real quality of the photos.

Jared thinks Jensen is actually embarrassed, which he finds mildly amusing. But at the same time, he kind of thinks that he likes that Jensen's taking pictures of him.

Jared eventually falls asleep and, much to his surprise, doesn’t wake until midday, after Jensen's put a fresh cup of coffee under his nose. His eyes slide open and the first thing he sees is Jensen, smiling down at him. Jared lets himself think, not for the first time that day, that maybe he's finally found a new way to go to sleep.
He dreads the time when he and Jensen have to part ways.

***


Sometimes Jensen really hates his life. But today? Today he thinks he loathes it.

Looking down on the blank screen of his cell, he actually contemplates calling back and saying ‘Fuck you’ to his agent and to Chris as well. Why did they have to call at the same time anyway?

He was on his way to take the last set of the photos and he actually had to sit down for a moment to sort through his thoughts. He’d hoped for some kind of off time after Thailand, but before he'd have to get back for the next few Kane concerts. And he definitely wouldn’t have been averse to spending a few more days around Bangkok. Or, you know, around Jared.

Jared, who is slowly but surely taking over Jensen’s mind. Jared, who has absolutely not concept of personal space, which usually makes Jensen very uncomfortable and yet he doesn’t mind it with Jared so much.

There's something to getting hugs all over the place. He can't help but admit that it actually feels quite good. And really, feeling all those muscle under his hands is appreciated.

But Jared is more than that.

He's strong minded, cheerful but intelligent as hell. Jared can read people the way Jensen never mastered and it impresses Jensen like not a lot of things can. Jared's so much more than just that irritating and freaky geek Jensen had in mind those first days. He knows now that he'd been blinded by his own emotions.

The problem is that Jensen doesn’t know what to do about it. He doesn’t know if it’s a good idea to actually think about it, everything's just so complicated.
It's not like Jared's not interested, Jensen knows he is.
It’s been abundantly clear for the last few weeks that even their co-workers noticed. Hell, it's so obvious that Jensen notices. He likes the way Jared looks at him, the way he'd tries to get to know Jensen.
And Jensen knows Jared has noticed him watching back.

The thing is … The thing is that's really holding him back is his own past. The past that he doesn’t think he's as over it as he wishes to be.

And the thing is, quite clearly, Chris.

Chris, who called him to ask how he is, to ask how Jared is. Chris, who's called to interrogate him about Jared, or so it seemed to Jensen.
And really, Chris had been there first. Jensen can be an ass, a real asshole, but he’d never deliberately hurt his best friend. Not when there's only this minute chance that there might be something between Jared and him.

Jensen thinks there's a much higher chance that Chris might be better for Jared. And if he's honest with himself, what he wants is for Jared to be happy. He wants Jared to have a good life and he's pretty sure that he's not the right one to provide it. Jensen knows, he accepts, that he's just too fucked up for that.

Which is why he tries not to think about it. Because when he does, it hurts.
It hurts to think about dragging Jared down with him. So he doesn't do anything, no matter how much he wants to, he refuses to start something with Jared.
He won’t let himself have it, not even for a second. The chance that this one second of weakness will make him an addict for life is far higher than the chance of him just walking away feeling nothing.

Jensen gets up from the small wall that surrounds the temple complex, deciding that he just wants to head to one of the touristy bars that line the main street and the strip down to the beach. Instead, he finds himself heading down to the catacombs, greeting the scientists still working despite the late hour and ends up in the room where the object of his recent mental breakdown is working on all fours.

The view that presents itself to Jensen is, much to his delight and annoyance, kind of spectacular. Jared on all fours, ass raised slightly in the air, hair sweaty and tugged behind his ears, held back by a pinkish hair band and dozens of papers spread on the floor, surrounding him. That’s what Jensen sees.

But what really makes his breath catch is the sight of the open shirt and the glasses perched on Jared’s nose. There's an honest to goodness wet dream crouching down in front of him and all Jensen can do is bite down on his lip to keep himself form moaning out loud.

The first thing he does after taking a deep breath is take a picture of Jared like that.

He starts up a mantra, trying to gather himself together again. He will not start something with Jared. He will not start something with Jared. He won’t. Not when Chris is crushing so hard and when Jared might still be interested in Chris, despite all the signals Jensen's receiving.

Eventually Jensen notices something beyond how seriously hot he looks. It catches him slightly by surprise, but right there, clear as day, are dark circles under Jared’s eyes.
He already knew that sleeping isn't really Jared's strong suit and that when he does sleep, it's never that much. In the beginning, he thought it was some kind of contest to prove that Jared's really good at his work or even just a workaholic. But after a while, and especially now, Jensen realises that Jared's sleeping habits not even be connected to his work at all.

One of these days Jensen has to ask him about it. The thought lingers for a second before Jensen remembers the phone call and actually groans out loud.

Of course, Jared has to pick the very same moment to turn and see him standing there.

“Oh, hey Jensen. Thought you were already out and partying.”

“Huh? Oh right, yes. I was about to go, but I thought I’d actually ask you if you want to join. You know, seeing as it is my last night here and all.” Jensen flinches at the needy tone in his voice. It’s not how he wanted to come across. The grin plastered on his face feels fake, it almost hurts, and he wonders what he's doing there.

“Last … last night? You're leaving?” Jared sounds sad and Jensen actually feels elated at that, but only for a second. He feels like an ass for being happy that Jared's sad. But Jared's sad about him leaving and Jensen's allowed to feel a little happy about that. Especially because it might mean mutual feelings and Jensen's been looking for those for a while now.

Jared's standing now, collecting his things and Jensen wishes he would button up his shirt already. The broad muscles chest is very, very distracting. Too much to really concentrate. So much that Jensen almost misses the question.

“Oh, yeah. My agent called, wants me to do another job before I go back to the States. Africa this time. And here I thought I’d finally get some down time.”

Jared smiles a little, but Jensen can clearly see the disappointment in his eyes. He actually feels bad about it now. For a second or at least before the thought of Chris comes back. He hates how his brain works sometimes.

“Oh, so this is your goodbye then? Of course I’ll join you. How could I not? Just let me finish this okay? Because this is really, really cool. About a hundred years off of what we estimated earlier and I have to figure out where to put it. There are no books about it and I have to see where in the time frame it fits … I mean, it’s already a thousand years off of what we usually are dealing with … and it’s a king even … I can’t imagine what else the inscriptions say ….”

Jensen just smiles. He knows he must look demented as hell, but he doesn’t mind it at all. He's been subjected to Jared’s geek outs and rambling history lectures more times then he can count since they've been in Thailand. He's gotten used to them and he has to admit that he's learning a lot.
Not only about history, but also about what kind of person Jared is.

Just listening to Jared, to the enthusiasm evident in each and every word makes Jensen crave that kind of passion. His love for photography comes close, but it’s not as life consuming. Jensen wants something like that in his life. He had it once, but it left. And no matter how much he wants it, Jensen isn’t sure if he is ready to follow that path again.

Jared looks up from the papers he's been going through while rambling and Jensen knows he's been zoning out. He smiles sheepishly and ducks his head.

“I'm rambling again. I'm sorry. I….”

Jensen has to laugh because he gets lost in Jared’s voice when ever the other man starts on something he's interested in so Jensen doesn’t really have a reason to object. Plus, he gets to hear Jared’s voice because of the regular non-stop chatter. And something that makes Jared sound so very passionate has all of Jensen’s blessings.

“Oh, don’t stop on my account. I like when you get all riled up about geek stuff. It’s cute to see your geek in full mode. Go on Jay, Thai history actually seems interesting. I've learn a lot.”

Jared looks a little stunned, which shouldn’t be cute but these days Jensen finds a lot things he usually wouldn’t think about cute. Not that he's used to using the word or whatever. It’s just so Jared, and Jensen wants more of that.

But then Jared just smiles as if he's figured out that Jensen actually isn’t mocking him and shrugs.

“You know what? This can wait. I'm done for today.”

“Awesome. You wanna go back and change or want to go now?”

Jensen doesn't sound eager and he sure as hell doesn't bounce. Not all. He does, however, see the grin Jared's trying to hide and grins back.

“Going now sounds good. It's way too hot so a shower is senseless when we’re going to a bar anyway.”

They are on the way out of the temple complex when Jensen just blurts it out.

“You're wearing glasses.”

“Very observant, Jen.”

Jensen tries to ignore the spark and the tug at his heart at hearing his nickname. Usually he’d be up in arms about it, but staring at Jared in glasses with his shirt still open takes priority over feeling indignant.

“Fuck off, Padalecki.”

Jared laughs, throwing back his head and just barks. Jensen momentarily hates himself for loving the sound. It’s been so rare, due to their work load and the fact that they haven’t really seen much of each other.

“Glasses because I don’t have lenses anymore and I don’t really trust the pharmacies around here. So I wait until I'm back home to get new ones. So in about two or three months. Depends on how long it takes to get the items here catalogued. I mean it’s huge and exciting to be here. It’s awesome really. All those old scriptures, the new meanings that might come out of it and so on….”

Jensen can’t help but smile. It’s so Jared to steer off the original topic and go on about the things that excite him. Jensen's amazed by the ability to love so unconditionally. First, he’d guessed it was naivety, but he slowly learned that Jared is anything but naïve. Jared is enthusiastic, but has a sharp brain and wit to go along with it. No wonder Jensen starts to really like him. Sarcasm rules his life.

“Jared?”

“Yeah?”

“I get it.”

“Oh… Oh, sorry. I was rambling again, wasn’t I? Sorry about that.”

“No. It’s actually quite interesting. Anyway, the glasses are cute. Make you look all respectable and intelligent.” Jensen knows the smirk usually doesn’t make people laugh out loud, and yet it does with Jared.

“Meaning I didn’t look intelligent before? Thanks, dude.”

“Don’t mention it.”

“You are incorrigible sometimes.”

Jensen laughs then. Because yes, he's been told that. A lot of times, actually.

“So home? As in London or really back home?”

“Texas. I’ll have a new project lined up and it’ll probably be at the UT campus in Austin, but I'm not sure yet. So yeah, really home. I do miss London, though. I miss my flat and the city itself. I miss the people there. My friends. I’d go back if I could. But I guess my family is missing me, too.”

Jensen doesn’t know what to say to that. He knows how Jared feels.

Being in London was one of the few times when he felt truly happy. Jensen has to remind himself what the happy memories he has are from his time in London during college, not the London from two months ago. But for some reason, when he's thinking about the London where he’d met Jared, Jensen feels the tug at his heart again.

For the first time in weeks, he doesn’t have sour thoughts about that London. He wonders why, because he doesn’t remember the night at all. And seeing as Jared never mentioned anything about it, he assumes that Jared doesn’t either.

“Home, then. Nice. I should go back one of these days. Haven’t seen my family in a while.”

They leave the complex, cross the street and head for the bar the crew always ends up at. It’s really just a shack, a shack with a porch covered in wooden benches and tables. It's open well into the night and actually has a decent amount of drinks to offer.

The night air is cooling down a little and Jensen can't help but sigh with relief when a soft breeze takes up. Jared, sitting next to him, does the same. They smile at each other and settle down at a table that's already occupied with half the crew and scientists from the site.

They get drunk on Singha beer and something called Chaophaya River.

Jensen finds he's actually enjoying the evening, and then things get kind of out of control.

Later, Jensen will curse himself for dragging Jared into it by simply bringing him there. But when a group of drunken soldiers, Jensen doesn’t have the time to find out which kind, clashes with some local youths, Jensen tries his best to get Jared and a few others of their group away.

In the end, it's just a little too late for them to really get away from the tumult.

***

Jensen rushes them down the street toward the hotel, but they have to get through the soldiers first and then through the arriving police force next. Jared is intoxicated and stumbles more than once.
They aren’t exactly running because that would be suspicious, but they are walking fast. Jensen has a hard grip on Jared, can feel Jared’s bicep twitching under his fingers and tries not to lose focus.

He manages to get them away from most of clashes, but suddenly there are people in front of them, shouting, waving things and Jared whimpers. And then Jensen figures out that both of them are scared. Just a little, but there it is. It’s been years since he felt that gripping ache moving in his chest, the helpless way his lungs try to get air.

He knows he isn’t even scared for himself. He doesn’t even think about fighting for himself. All he can think about is Jared. Jared, who is plastered against his back now, mumbling Jensen’s name over and over again. Jared is really out of it but even in his state he knows they are in danger.

“Jen?”

“It’s okay, Jared. Stay behind me okay?”

“Yeah. Okay.”

When the first one of the bunch moves Jensen just pushes Jared behind him even more, toward the direction of the stairs leading down the beach and assumes a fighting stance. He will not allow them to hurt Jared. He just won’t.

The stones flying through the air are so unexpected that Jensen actually ducks. A second later he hates himself for it. Jared falls forward, right into him and his sagging weight is dragging Jensen down as well. He turns just in time to catch Jared’s frame and not let them both crash down.

“Jen?”

It’s whispered against his cheek. Jared’s shadow of a beard scratching Jensen's smooth skin and he can only watch Jared’s eyes rolling back in his head.

That's when he sees the blood.

“Jared? No… No!”

Blood running down Jared’s face and Jensen can’t breathe. This isn't happening. It can’t be happening, not on his watch. Not to Jared.

The pulse under his fingers is slow, too slow he thinks, panicky. Jensen feels like screaming, even opens his mouth but no sound comes out.

He cradles Jared in his arms and doesn’t let go, just stares at the blood and tries to figure out how to stop it. He only lets go when Mary, one of the scientist that was with them at the bar, appears with an ambulance and they try to pry Jared from his arms.

He knows he's in shock; there isn’t much he can do against it or is actually willing to do. He feels like he's standing outside himself watching everything without actually being part of it. He feels so utterly helpless. All he can see is Jared and the blood. Way more blood than there should be. Jensen hopes, really fucking hopes that it’s really just a scratch and not a fucking gunshot wound or something.

Jensen can only stand there and watch them load Jared into the ambulance. He isn’t allowed to go with him, isn’t even allowed to ride in front of the ambulance. Mary has the presence of mind to ask them for the hospital. Jensen feels like he needs to do something, needs to punch someone, something.

Then everything goes quiet. At least for Jensen.

Nothing matters except that the lights of the ambulance getting smaller in the distance. His heart is pounding, skipping a few beats. His mind is blank. His chest hurts, aches with the feeling of loss and failure.
Because he has failed Jared.

They hurt Jared.
Jensen sees the blood on his hands, on his shirt and sees red. Alcohol and adrenaline are a dangerous mix, Jensen knows this and he just doesn’t care.
He lets it affect him to a degree where he doesn’t really see anything but the men in front of him, closing in on him. He hasn’t had a good fight in a while. He feels like he needs this and he doesn’t want to think about the why.

Everything around him mixes into a haze of lights, smoke and rushing noises. He's dazed but still knows that this is probably not the smartest decision he's ever made. He should be on his way to Jared, should make sure that the man is okay. But he's not. Instead, Jensen draws himself up to his real height.

The fight itself is a blur in Jensen’s mind. He won’t remember much of it. Just the pain, fear and the uncontrolled fury at the thought of someone hurting Jared. Jensen knows they are closing in on him and he hears the scream behind him, hopes it’s one of the scientists, and actually feels a satisfying crunch of bones under his knuckles.

He feels the foot connecting with his rib. He roles away and takes someone with him, punching, fighting, not stopping. It’s not his first fight and he knows how to land a few punches without getting one in return. It works out for a while, but then there are too many people. Way too many.

Eventually the police arrive. Jensen actually feels relieved when he's finally pushed to the concrete, held down but not attacked anymore.

He hopes Jared's okay, that someone will take care of him. It’s the last thought he has before he's stuffed into the back of a police car. The street, full of people fighting now, like a battlefield, like a scene out of a war, vanishes from view.
Jensen feels like crying.

Chokes up a little and lets the adrenaline rush through his body, letting that keep him from collapsing.
He'd sworn to himself not to go that far again. But he is, falling for a man he probably can never have. A man who is just now on his way to a hospital.

And here he is, thinking he wouldn't ever fall so hard again, especially not for someone who is obviously so much better than he was. Wouldn’t fall for someone his best friend has a huge crush on. He had been telling himself for weeks he wouldn’t.

Which of course shows how well he knows himself and, really, how forcefully Jared had stepped into his life.
Jensen doesn’t dare to think about losing Jared. Doesn’t feel strong enough to deal with it. He just can’t.

He plays with the bracelet as much as he can with his hands tied behind his back. It calms him down somewhat but it doesn’t take the pain away.

Doesn’t take the guilt away.

***

Jared wakes up groaning. He feels hot, sweaty and generally gross as well as more than a little dazed and confused. The pain in his head is overwhelming and he tries to figure what happened. He feels hung over and like a semi ploughed him over.

He tries to open his eyes and groans at the spike of pain piercing through him. The light is way too bright for him and he doesn’t even try to open his eyes again. But he moves on the bed, tries to find a comfortable position and stops when there is a rustling noise right by his side. He isn’t alone.

Then there's a straw at his lips and he greedily sucks on it. He feels parched, dried out. And the water running down his throat feels like heaven. He doesn’t want to stop.

“Hey, hey not so fast, Jay. Slow down or you’ll choke.”

Jensen.

Jared suddenly feels better. There is an ache in his chest and he feels himself flush a little. Jensen's there and Jared knows nothing will happen to him. He feels safe and protected.

“Jensen.” He croaks, flinches a little at the sound of his own voice, but needs to know that it’s really Jensen and not just his imagination.

“Yeah. Jared. I'm here. I'm sorry.”

“Why?”

Jared doesn’t hear Jensen’s answers, instead he hears soft tunes and a voice he thinks he might love to fall asleep to. So he does, the soothing voice and pain meds are too hard to fight against. He's dragged under in no time and left to his dreams about a fight he wasn’t really part of.

The next time he wakes, he's alone in the room and it’s dark. Jared finally dares to open his eyes and looks around the room. It’s plainly obvious that it’s a hospital room and that he's still in Thailand. There are no doors or windows, just wooden blinds and cotton sheets hanging in front of the entrance.

His head feels better and he reaches up to feel the bandage around his forehead. Jared tries to remember what happened, but doesn’t get more than just a few flashes of images. He really has no idea how he got hurt and ended up in the hospital.

Jared lies there for what feels like forever, quietly hoping that Jensen'll be back and be able to tell him what happened. But he's out of luck. The only person who actually seems to care about him is a tiny nurse. She smiles nicely, but otherwise doesn’t say a single word as she fluffs his pillows, changes the water and takes his temperature.

After some searching and manoeuvring on the bed, Jared eventually finds his watch. He's shocked when he sees the date on it. He's been out of it for three days.

The next thing his sees is a bracelet he knows all too well.

And just like that he knows Jensen's gone, knows Jensen won’t be there.

But the fact that he left bracelet makes his heart beat a little faster. Jared's noticed that whenever Jensen's nervous, he'll tug at the bracelet or his ring, almost as if the actions anchor him or something close to it.
So the fact that Jensen willingly parted with it has to mean something.
Jared wants to believe that it does.

He knows Jensen isn’t there, but still can’t suppress the slight feeling of hope when the sheet at the entrance flutters. He can’t even hold back and asks.

“Jensen?”

“Sorry honey. It’s just me, Mary.”

“Hey.”

Jared actually feels okay with someone being there, especially someone that speaks Thai. He hasn’t seen a doctor yet and he's ready to know what’s going on.

“How are you feeling?”

The genuine concern in her voice and her eyes make him smile. He's glad for the company, even if Jensen’s absence makes him ache.
Ache something fierce and he suddenly knows that it’s not just a crush anymore. It probably never was a crush to begin with, but Jared doesn’t have the strength to tackle that right now.

“Alright. Just a little achy and sweaty. So? What happened?”

“What do you remember?”

Jared likes Mary. She has something motherly about her, even if she's just barely over forty. She's one of the archaeologists working at the whole temple complex as well as one of his bosses. Mary's also the wife of the project leader, but she was one of the first to stop treating him like a rookie in the field and actually listened to what he had to say. Mary was also the first one to grin at him whenever she caught him watching, or well staring, at Jensen.

Jensen. Jensen, who isn’t there.

Jared grimaces, takes the glass full of ice cold water and just shrugs. It's way too hot in the room and Jared has to lift the thin sheet from his legs. It’s sticky already.

“Not much. Just the bar and people in the street and maybe Jensen holding me. Not much during or after that. You were there, right? Can you tell me more?”

Mary is sitting on a rickety chair next to Jared’s bed. She smiles softly and rearranges some flowers on the small bedside table. She sees Jensen’s bracelet, shakes hear head and smiles at Jared a little wider.

Jared tries not to blush.

“You were pretty drunk, Jared. There was a fight breaking out between soldiers and another group. Jensen tried to get us out and he managed to get us away from the worst of the fighting. When I saw it on the news, I was glad we weren’t in there by the time they actually started to shoot. It already looked bad when we left. But there were others on the street …”

Mary pauses, looks at Jared and he sees how pale her face has become. It must have been a rough time and yet Jared can’t remember anything. He almost wishes he'd been himself and could have helped.

“And then stones started to fly.” Mary continues, sighing as she shakes her head again. “One of those hit you pretty hard. Jensen had already pushed you behind him, but you still got hit and slumped forward and he caught you. There was blood and Jensen ... Jensen was just so ... out of it. He wouldn’t let go of you until the ambulance arrived. When it did, all he did was just stand there and watch it drive away. And then he … he roared. Just screamed and got into a fight with the men throwing the stones. Shouting how no one hurt you without paying for it. It was bad, Jared. The police broke it up and arrested him. But some people testified on his behalf.”

Jared swallows. This is way worse than he'd expected. But hearing it from Mary isn’t what he wants. He wants to see Jensen, ask him what it means. Wants to thank him for protecting him. Jared realises that a lot more happened over the past few weeks then just the two of them working together as friends.

Somehow, Jared thinks, they ended up getting close. He now knows that something between them shifted, changed, realigned. Something important and that they've both ignored it for some reason. Jared doesn’t know what to feel. He's sad and disappointed, but at the same time he's relieved at the thought that he isn’t the only one feeling more than he maybe should.

It’s pretty clear that Jensen hides a lot of himself.

“Jensen got out?”

“Yes. He spent two days here with you before he got a call from his agent. The guy was pretty pissed because Jensen was already late for the next job. He didn’t want to leave, you know. But he had to. I guess he wanted you to know that.” Mary pointedly looks at the bracelet and this time Jared can’t suppress the blush working its way up his neck.

“I spoke to the doctor before I came in. It looks like if you feel healthy enough and nothing else happens tonight, you might actually be released tomorrow evening. They want to keep you for another day for observation, especially since you’ve had stitches and a mild concussion." She pauses and looks over at him. "Oh and the police wants to question you as well. They’ll probably do that today. Do you want me to stay? I can.”

Jared suddenly feels choked up. They don't know each other that well, not outside of work, and yet here she is, willing to stay with him and keep him company.

“Please?”

Jared falls asleep to Mary telling him stories about what happened while he was unconscious. He's not really paying attention, his thoughts are somewhere else. He thinks about green eyes, soft smiles and a man who seems to be far more interesting than Jared would have ever guessed.

He's sure that he’ll see Jensen again. And if he has to beg Chris for his number, Jared'll do it just so he can see Jensen again.

Jared drifts to sleep with the bracelet firmly attached to his wrist.

***
Thailand, Kenya, USA

The window is open, a soft warm breeze comes through, ruffling his hair and brings a little relief into the oven that is his hotel room. Jared sits on the windowsill and looks out. His guitar next to him, untouched. He doesn’t feel like playing, doesn’t think it would do any good.

The view down on the beach is awesome, even at night. The lights along the small harbour are colourful and Jared is tempted to let them help him go to sleep. It’s soothing to just watch, to just exist.

Jared wishes it would work. He hasn’t slept in days. Can’t seem to find anything to calm him down. Nothing works. And there's only one reason why.

Jared's worried.
Really fucking worried and nothing or no one can calm him down anymore. It’s been days and Jared doesn’t know what to do anymore. Even Mary has given up reassuring him. It’s useless anyway. Jared’s mind has already come up with the worst scenarios possible and it just won’t stop.

He thinks that if someone tells him one more time to calm down and that everything will be okay, he’ll scream. He’ll scream as loud as he has to if that’s the only way to shut them all up.

The breeze picks up a little, moves the curtains in front of the balcony door. Jared glances down at his cell phone again. It's been silent for way too long. It’s one of the reasons why he worries. The other reason is the news about the mass kidnappings taking place in Kenya and Somalia.
It’s all over every TV station and newspaper Jared can get a hold of. Reading about it, watching it on the screen is not really helping with his state of mind. But he can’t help it.

He hasn’t heard from Jensen for about a week now.

Jensen, who is in Kenya.
Jensen, who has promised to at least send a text once every other day.

Jared really doesn’t know what to do. He absentmindedly scratches at the scar along his hairline. The one the stone left behind. It’s been over one and a half months since that day and Jared can still feel the thin raised line. Everyone tells him it will be gone soon, but Jared doesn’t want it to disappear.

He pulls at the bracelet around his wrist and thinks for the hundredth time that day that he should call someone. He just doesn’t know who. Jensen isn’t answering his phone, nor his emails.

Jared's gotten used to the routine of knowing what Jensen is doing and where he is. Jensen had called a day after Jared woke up in the hospital. They haven't stopped since.

Usually they just talk. Except about London.

Instead, they talk about everything else. About past relationships, about love. They never mention what it might mean for them, but they talk about every important thing they can come up with.

Jared can’t find any other reason for it not happening, except the one of Jensen being in danger. It scares him like nothing else has in a while. It’s affecting his behaviour at work, though not his work itself. It's affecting his mood and the way he acts towards people. Jared actually thinks they are getting sick of him moping and being worried, but even so, he can't seem to stop.

Seeing pictures of the chaos, of the unorganized attempt to free people and of such attempts going awry makes Jared want to scream at the TV set, or at least at the voice of the anchor reading the numbers of deaths. Jared wants to punch something, slam things down, maybe even throw a fit, but he doesn’t even have the strength to cry.

Though he feels like crying, he hasn't, at least not yet. He keeps telling himself that there's no point in crying, after all, it won’t help Jensen. He tells himself he has no reason to cry anyway, because him and Jensen ... well there isn’t exactly a ‘him and Jensen’.

Instead of really losing it, Jared tries to stay calm. He doesn’t sleep and ends up moody, full of worries and moping more often than not, but yet manages to stay calm.
His brain runs in hyperactive mode and he forces himself to do more work, while getting even less sleep than usual. He works, gets almost everything done ahead of schedule and Mary can’t do anything but tell him that he’s going to be done in another few days.

They won’t need him anymore. Jared will be free to go home and yet that doesn't mean anything right now. All he wants is to know if Jensen is okay. That’s the only thing that matters.

He ends up doing the one thing he never thought he'd ever do. He uses someone, a friend, for his own purposes without caring about their feelings.

It’s not even hard to dial Chris’ number.
They haven’t spoken in a long while, Jared always claiming work and being busy to beg out of awkward conversations. Because yes, Jared is aware of the reason Chris keeps trying. Jared just hasn’t found a gentle way to let him down.

He likes Chris as his friend.
He really likes the fact that someone as cool as Chris is actually interested in him. Jared has no problem with the fact that occasionally he's vain. He just isn’t interested in anything more with Chris.

***

Steve frowns at the cell phone on the table. It dances around on the wood as if it's having seizures and Steve is actually amused by it. He blinks and doesn’t really know what to do because it’s Chris’ phone and he usually doesn’t take calls on Chris’ phone.

He has all but a second before Chris shouts at him to bloody get the call because it’s too freaking early to be terrorised by singing cell phones. One of these days, Steve really has to talk to Jensen about secretly changing cell phone ring tones. It’s embarrassing to say the least.

Steve grabs the cell before it actually dances off the table and answers it. His surprise must be evident on his face because the second Chris walks out of the bathroom and sees him, he frowns.

“Something wrong?”

“I don’t know. It’s Jared. He sounds weird.”

“Weird?”

Steve doesn’t get a chance to answer because Chris is already on the phone, talking a mile a minute and inquiring if everything is all right. Steve sees emotions flicker through Chris' blue eyes, watches his jaw tighten and flex, and he knows this isn’t a friendly call.

Steve doesn’t like the pinched expression on Chris’ face, but he tries not to listen in. It’s not his conversation and he has no right to eavesdrop. The crossword puzzle is way more interesting anyway. Or, well, less drama anyway.

Steve likes Jared, as much as you can like someone you've only met once and only know via second hand stories told to you by two of your best friends. Of course, Jensen tells more these days, and Steve is pretty sure Chris doesn’t know that.

Steve sometimes wishes Jared wouldn’t cause such an uproar, but then he thinks he's being unfair, because clearly Jared doesn’t know what’s going on. And sometimes he wishes he knew if Jared or Jensen remembered anything of that night in London. It doesn’t look like they do, and Steve thinks it would probably make the whole situation easier if they did.

When Chris flops down next to him on the couch, Steve actually tries to hold back and not ask anything right away. It’s unusual for Jared to call, especially when he knows it's a concert night.

“I'm screwed.” Chris sounds dejected, almost resigned.

“Why?”

“Jared called to ask if we know anything about Jensen.”

“Huh?”

“Yeah. Did you know that Jen is in Africa right now? That he promised Jared to call at least once a week and he hasn’t done so this week? Yeah, well me either.”

Steve turns until he's looking directly at Chris. His best friend since kindergarten doesn’t look good.

“Okay. So Jensen is in Africa. Where?”

“Kenya.”

“Shit, Chris.”

“I know. I know. He didn’t tell me. He didn’t say anything the last time we spoke. God, I just lay it on him because of the things that happened in Thailand. And he never even protested. God, Steve I accused him of endangering Jared and he never even said a word to defend himself.”

It’s like watching a light go on, Steve can see realisation settle over Chris’ features and he wishes it would have been different. He wishes it would have been under different circumstances.

“Steve?”

“Yeah.”

“Jared is really worried. He sounded bad.”

“Yeah?”

“I. … I think. Well, I guess it's obvious that night in London wasn't just a drunken mistake. Even if they don’t seem to remember it. I just thought … I don’t know. It’s like they're.. I really don’t know. I can’t think about that now. Let’s try and get a hold of Jensen. Bloody idiot.”

Chris is up and on the phone before Steve has the chance to say anything. Steve thinks it's probably okay this way. Chris will be okay. And he prays to God that Jensen will be okay as well. Consequently, he thinks of Jared and wonders if the other man really is as clueless as Steve thinks he is.

After all, it must have taken a hell of a lot of courage to call Chris.

***

It’s the second time in so many months that Jensen is scared. The situation is so obscure that no one actually knows anything.
Jensen and his team are trapped. At a research camp no less. They hear gun shots occasionally, know they are between front lines and right now there is no way out of it. But Jensen is so glad for the camp, so glad to be here that he doesn’t mind anything else.

He is alive after all. Still. He doesn’t know how long his luck will hold up.

He, they all are working on pure adrenaline, no sleep and pure fear. There isn’t much water left in the camp, so they’ll have to move soon. But no one knows where to, and where the safe zones are.
The odyssey through the villages and the wilderness has cost him not only his cell phone but a good part of his equipment. He doesn’t care at all.

Everyone left things behind.

They stay close within the camp. The team and some of the locals try to get as many information as they can get without any sort of high tech means of communication. Jensen doesn’t know how long it will take them to get out of here, all he can think if is Jared.

All Jensen knows is that Jared will be worried, will want to know what’s going on. Jensen knows Kenya is all over the news and he knows what Jared will think. He curses the fact that his cell didn’t make it through the first run they had to make to get out of the rebels territory during the night three days ago.

Jared is the one thing he thinks constantly about. Regrets that there might never be a chance to get to know him even better. Jensen still feels guilty about Thailand, about dragging him into that bar. He still sees the blood, Jared’s eyes falling close, un-responding to anything Jensen does and says. Blood everywhere. Jared’s blood.
He sees those pictures almost every other night.

Those dreams mixed with the nightmare that is his current situation doesn’t do anything to let him act level headed. Jensen is afraid of what might happen if the rebels catch up with them.
The gunfire has been coming nearer during the night.

Jensen is so fucking scared.

The sound of the helicopter sounds the camp into a panic. No one knows who it is, what it will mean. Jensen doesn’t even attempt to hide properly. If it’s the wrong side the tents won’t do anything to protect them.
His heartbeat almost drowns out everything else. His is trembling, sweating and gulping in air.

When they land everything in Jensen suddenly stops. Everything is quiet, deathly so and nothing moves. No one says a thing. Until…

Until the first cry of relief rings through the air and people move in a rush. The wind from the rotors whirls sand up and upends tables, sends papers flying.
No one cares, everyone is running.
Jensen looks up, through the tent flap. Looks directly at the UNHCR sign at the side of the helicopter.

He isn’t ashamed of the tears running down his cheeks.

***

Chaos reigns.
Not only in the place he's just come from, but in his head as well. He doesn’t really know what to do first. He feels lost and overwhelmed, but grateful as well. He's alive, mostly unhurt, and on the way home.

The last two weeks were one of the worst in his life and he doesn’t even bother to think about the things that could have happened. He's been lucky so far and he isn't feeling like he should risk that. So he's booked the first flight that was allowed to leave the country. There was no time to call anyone or to actually organize anything.
He just wanted out.

The cell phone in his hand is broken; it hasn’t worked for a week and he wonders where he’ll get a new one. It’s the shock of being trapped and suddenly rescued, he knows this.

He just can’t wrap his head around much of anything. The woman next to him smiles faintly when she sees him looking down at the broken display and he suddenly feels like crying again.
The urge is so overwhelming that he turns away from her, not wanting to have a witness. Not wanting to break down at all.

But he's been running on nothing but adrenaline and fear for a way too long and it’s finally catching up with him.
He just wants to be home. Wants to be with his family and friends.

Wants to be with Jared.

Jared. He has thought that name over and over again on the way to and out of the camp. It's kept him going, served as his goal, the reason to hold on and fight.

He doesn’t know how often he went through the camera chip from Thailand, just to look at Jared. It’s pathetic as hell but Jensen doesn’t even think about it anymore. It’s just a way to be able to see Jared.
He shifts on the plastic chair and wonders if he should go and look for a payphone. He should have done that yesterday when they were at the airport in Nairobi.
He tried, but nothing worked right and he couldn’t get a hold of Jared.

He called Chris and his parents. It had been good to hear their voices, even if it was mainly screaming on Chris’ side and sobbing on his mom’s. He’ll be home in a few hours, and he’d never thought he want to be there so badly.

Twisting the cell phone in his hands, he's about to stand up and look for a phone when the woman next to him speaks up.

“Do you maybe want to use my phone? You look like you want to call someone badly.”

“Oh … Uhm. I was just about to look for a payphone. But thank you.”

“They're all the way across the hall. Take mine. It’s okay. Really.”

For a moment, he's too stunned to do anything. It doesn’t happen often that people are nice. In London, in Heathrow of all places and especially not to someone who looks like he does. He knows he must look like a hobo, all scruffy, dirty and tired. There wasn’t any time to change clothes or to clean up once they had reached Nairobi.

But he really, really wants to try and call again. He has to. His flight won’t be for another two hours and he just knows he’ll drive himself crazy thinking about everything.

Eventually he smiles and gently takes the phone being offered to him.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

Jensen swallows. He knows the number by heart now, he is tempted to thank God for company issued phones that work world wide. He punches it in with shaky fingers and has to steady his hand on his knee.

The second the call connects, Jensen has to blink. He isn’t really prepared for the call to go through and he doesn’t really know what to say if Jared should answer. Irritatingly, there's a cell phone ringing close to him and Jensen finds it extremely distracting. Because the last thing he wants right now is to be distracted.

So, when Jared actually answers and the ringing close to him stops, Jensen only needs a second to connect the dots. He freezes, unable to move or breathe.

“Hello?” Jared’s tentative voice reaches him, not only through the phone, but also from somewhere to his left. Jensen swallows, takes the phone away from his ear a little and starts to grin widely when he hears Jared all loud and clear and a little annoyed.

“Hello? Who is that?”

Jensen decides that he has got to believe in fate and destiny. Even if fate is so cruel and actually matches him with the man his best friend has a crush on.

Jensen has to smile when Jared just sighs and slumps into his seat.

“Jared?” He says into the phone, still watching Jared.

“Jensen? Oh God, it’s so good to hear from you. Where are you? Are you okay?”

“As for where I am, well right behind you. And yes, I am okay.”

The woman next to Jensen is looking at him curiously and then a little surprised when he hands the phone back to her and stands up.

“Behind…”

The second Jared sees him might be one of the best of his life. The grin that spreads over the tanned face almost knocks him out. He hasn’t seen Jared in almost three months and he can’t believe how much he's missed him.

Jensen doesn’t really know what to do next, so he just smiles. Stands there in the middle of an airport terminal and smiles like an idiot. Jared has other ideas and climbs over the empty seats that separate them. And, of course, he promptly stumbles over the last one.

Jensen reaches out, catches him and sucks in a breath at the spark the skin on skin contact ignites. Jared’s laugh that follows does the rest. Jensen's gone.
The bear hug and Jared not really letting go of him doesn’t register until a few minutes later. Jared's been babbling constantly and all Jensen can do is enjoy the sound of his voice.
He can barely admit that for a while, he thought he wouldn’t ever hear it again.

“Oh my God, Jen. I'm so glad you're okay. I was worried, man. So worried. You are okay, right? Nothing happened to you?”

“Jared. Jay, calm down. I'm fine. I'm sorry I didn’t call. My cell broke when we had to run and leave the camp. Really, I'm all right. Just a little shaken and maybe a lot tired.”

He's being pulled against a strong chest again and this time participates in the hug. He wraps his arms around a slender waist and doesn’t let go for what feels like forever. They just stand there with no one really paying attention to them.

Jensen catches a glimpse of the woman who so generously handed over her cell phone, she's smiling at them and when he mouths ‘thank you,’ she winks and nods, then returns to reading her romance novel. Jensen tries not to snort at the irony.

“Jared?”

“Hmmm?”

“Breathe. I need to.”

“Oh.. Oh sorry. I… God, it’s so good to see you. I didn’t know after Thailand and.. then you… Africa. I don’t… didn’t think. And Chris called to say you are okay… God, Jen..”

“Jared. Calm down. It’s okay. I get it. I wish all of this wouldn’t have been so dramatic. I'm sorry. And I'm sorry I had to leave so suddenly. I wish I could have stayed.”

“I know. You said that already. By the way, thanks for telling Chris to call me. When you tried, I was on the plane already.”

Jared grins, all wide and happy and Jensen is reminded of a puppy again. But Jared looks tired as hell and Jensen's pretty sure that the other man hasn’t been sleeping. They talked about it on one of their phone calls and Jensen knows it’s not Jared’s fault. But he imagines that stress adds to the insomnia and he instantly feels guilty.

Jared's still clinging to him, even after they actually manage to get Jared’s things and set them onto the chairs next to Jensen’s. It's then that Jensen sees the bracelet and feels another tug at his heart.

They're both in way too deep to deny it anymore.

“You're wearing it.”

Jared looks down to where Jensen is pointing and blushes. Jensen still thinks he shouldn’t find it as adorable as he does. He also wonders when ‘adorable’ was added to his vocabulary.

“Yeah. Kind of a lucky charm. Nothing's happened to me since I put it on. I got out of the hospital without incident, work was easy and no more street fights either. So.. thank you. You want it back?”

“No. No, keep it. As you said, lucky charm.” Jensen doesn’t really mind seeing his treasured bracelet on Jared. It’s kind of symbolic and he likes that. Jensen smiles, because he doesn’t really know what to say next without coming across like a completely love sick fool.

“So, work? You done in Thailand?”

“Yeah. Yes, I am. I was fast and they let me go early, with full pay. I'll be home for the summer. I told you about UT. But I have to settle some things with the project heads in New York first.”

As if on cue, the announcement for a flight to New York cracks through the speakers and Jared flinches. He looks wrecked, tired and a little lost. Jensen knows how he feels.

Jensen does the only thing he can think of, he leans in and kisses Jared. He's surprised at how different it is from what he'd been dreaming about. And no, he won’t even bother to remember the details of his dreams. It's bad enough that he was having wet dreams anyway.

Jared’s lips are soft under his, full and responding. Jensen can’t help but nibble at them. It’s slow, more exploring than anything else. It’s not really erotic, but instead intimate; almost reassuring each other that this is happening and that they're both there. It's as if they're somehow connected.
There's no hurry in the kiss, just lips touching and nothing more.

Jensen threads his hand through Jared’s hair, keeps him in place and just enjoys the way he tastes. Caresses and takes everything about Jared in. When their tongues meet, slow and sure, it’s almost a surprise that they can keep themselves to just this slow, sweet kiss. It’s so much better than anything Jensen's ever had and he finds it’s all he's ever wanted but didn’t know he needed. It’s simple and true.

They only part when the second announcement comes through and Jared sighs with disappointment. Jensen lets go of him, but not without squeezing his shoulder.

“I’ll be in Texas for a while. You know my number, I’ll have a new cell, so call me when you're there. Go or you’ll miss your flight. I’ll be there Jared. I promise. No more drama.”

Even though Jared looks sad, he manages a smile, kisses Jensen again and then rushes off to catch his plane.

Jensen's always hated goodbyes. That’s why he never says them.

The woman next to him smiles when he turns back and settles down in his seat. Now all he has to do is wait for his own flight back home.

He smiles back at her because, for the first time in over two months, he actually feels good.

PART ONE: B (previous) * PART TWO: A (next)