Comments | hyperemmalawlz: Fic: In Loco Parentis (Burt, Finn, Will) PG-13

hyperemmalawlz

Fic: In Loco Parentis (Burt, Finn, Will) PG-13

Dec 07, 2010 21:36

Title: In Loco Parentis
Author: hyperemmalawlz
Fandom: Glee
Characters/Pairing: Burt, Finn, Will. Also an appearance by Carole; references to Kurt and Rachel.
Word Count: 4345
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Burt's never liked Will Schuester. He admits it. However, he likes the man a whole lot less once he notices Schuester's habit of touching his stepson.
Spoilers: Up ( Read more... )

will, burt, finn, glee, fanfic

Comments 18

beta_goddess December 7 2010, 12:08:10 UTC

Ack! Please tell me there's more to this... the ending feels like a cliffhanger. I really enjoyed it -- your characters are right on -- and I'm dying to know how Finn reacts to Schue after this. I do hope you'll take it further.

hyperemmalawlz December 7 2010, 12:25:36 UTC

Hmm. That was as far as I ever meant to write it. The whole situation was meant to be left up in the air and ambiguous, without an easy solution. So... sorry?

beta_goddess December 7 2010, 13:22:30 UTC

I guess this is concrit then: I have no problem with ambiguous endings, but this did feel unfinished. It might be the order of the last couple of sentences, or their pacing, or that something more is needed; somehow the ending didn't feel like an ending, although I'm not certain why. Sure, I'd very much like to know What Happened Next, but I think the phrasing of the last few sentences is what's making this feel less like a We'll Never Know ending and more like an incomplete one.

Totally my perception, of course, and if you and your beta don't see it, then it's just me.

(Hope you don't mind my sharing all this; you're such a good [I want to say "professional"] writer that I'm assuming that this kind of feedback is useful to you. If not, please ignore!)

fabfemmeboy December 7 2010, 14:34:55 UTC

Oh this made me ache. Burt means so well, but it's still...ouch.

hyperemmalawlz December 7 2010, 23:37:23 UTC

Heh. Thank you.

darkwords_ifind December 7 2010, 15:42:18 UTC

Yes yes yes a million times yes!

Your Burt is spot on, I love it.

hyperemmalawlz December 7 2010, 23:37:43 UTC

Thanks. :D

eighthoctave December 7 2010, 16:43:25 UTC

I don't know how many times i've said this but i'll say it agian I LOVE YOUR STUFF!

hyperemmalawlz December 7 2010, 23:37:57 UTC

Thank you. :)

sinkwriter December 7 2010, 19:31:32 UTC

It might just be me (and it might change the feel of what you have planned for the message of the story, so I can understand if you disagree), but I think you should change the order of those last two sentences, to this:

Burt prays like hell Finn is right about all this, and he is wrong. Finn still doesn't answer; he just keeps staring out the window.I think it leaves things more open, and maybe a touch more ambiguous and slightly creepy, because it leaves things with Finn, leaving us wondering what he thinking about as he looks out that window, if he's now starting to feel paranoid because of what Burt said, or if his own feelings of uncomfortability are possibily being confirmed by this conversation he just had and he's not ready to admit it because he really did think Schue was a good guy and helped him through the whole Quinn thing... Switching the two sentences in that way might provide more of the 'question mark' that you're looking for ( ... )

hyperemmalawlz December 7 2010, 23:41:15 UTC

About the reversing the order of the sentences... idk. The end of the piece was really meant to leave the reader sharing Burt's emotions: uncomfortable, confused, wanting to protect Finn but not really sure how to go about it without some kind of proof.

Thanks. I'll admit, I wondered a bit about my Burt voice - I seemed to keep fading in and out of it, so I'm glad it worked for you.