Okay, you win. Transsexing my body, but deep in my head, the right gender - and I don't like it.

[hundun]

I'm trying to follow Tim's fine advice about coming out: try a bunch of different stuff, see what works for you, find parts of your identity, and then see what you think of queer "norms."

Translasses have the option of presenting as visibly queer lasses. The advantage of this is that onlookers will be more likely to confirm their identity, as they'

Comments

[legacyofty]

I may not have ever changed my sex or ever pursued being queer much, but I change my look from season to season. I also like my skirts (for me, not because they're feminine, it's how they display the dynamism of movement through the hips and legs.) I'd be more than willing to chat with you about changing your look and style from something you've gotten used to. I can relate how I was in the past. Talk to you soon.

[hundun]

Much appreciated.

[estrellada]

Coming out as queer (yay using it as a random umbrella term) doesn't mean you automatically step into a tailor-made queer identity/expression. Sorry. Takes time. I'm still playing with it, 10-14 years later.

Eventually, you'll know what works for you. There is always a concern re: intelligibility, but that is sometimes more or less important, and eventually you develop strategies for communicating your self/desires/id to people.

not enough tea.

[hundun]

And here are the origins of the "fuck labels" camp, one would imagine.

[estrellada]

For shore.

Reading you posts, I wish that there was something more to say that this:

You're part of trail-blazing, and it sucks and it's hard, and tho there are a few examples, you're still fundamentally doing new things in paradigms that are barely understood and only starting to be put into practice. I wish I could say "don't worry, it'll be over soon", but we both know it won't.

All I can do is remind you that it's OKAY to take breaks, that you need to take care of yourself, and that it's okay to want to hit people over the head with an opportunity pan.

And take care of yourself, right?

In any case, I'm looking forward to camping/hook pull.

Also, name carving?

[hundun]

Thanks. I also very much appreciate the email.

I think that part of what may be driving the mindfuckery is the order in which I'm exploring things. Most dykes sort out that they're female pretty fast, then figure out that they're interested in other lasses, often focusing on those lasses who come across as also liking lasses. And then some of the more academic-minded ones do part of a degree in women and gender studies, focusing on queer issues. I did things in a kinda different order and at different ages, so I have all these references swimming around I guess.

I'm not sure what "taking a break" looks like.

Carving would very much be awesome. I think that I'd like to round out the renaming soonish, as I overlooked something in the ritual (i.e. returning to life).

[darthmaus]

Whichever way you go, you *are* breaking new ground, and that's going to be confusing and intimidating - but it's really admirable and you'll find the Amy you're comfortable being in there somewhere. She's just probably not lurking in any of the well-travelled paths.

And "masculine MtF" it puts me so far outside the range of what most people, even those into queer issues, see as intelligible, and pretty much drops me outside the range of common experience. I mean, what the fuck is a squishy (i.e. really really soft) butch MtF? That's... what the fuck?That, to me, is the ultimate realisation that not only is gender not binary, it's not even a one-dimensional continuum - it's, like, three or four or maybe more. To be honest with you, of the non-broken non-screwed-up MtFs I've known, very few fit strictly into the "I'm a WOMAN! Therefore I must be and do, talk, walk, and dress all things that society defines as feminine in order to be accepted as such!" model - those are the screwed-up ones. The smart, together ones have custom-

[darthmaus]

I totally agree - and that's exactly what I meant when I said that I know I can have no idea how hard it is to do as a trans person. I wouldn't say that I personally fit too many stereotypes of the "woman" label, but as I was born with it and never felt a need to question whether it applies to me (although I do spend a lot of time questioning what it *means* - but that's different) - so I have pretty much no idea what transfolk go through.

I just think it's sad that many MtFs are denied during transition and even afterwards by social/psychiatric/emotional forces the same right that I've been blessed with, to question what "female" and "woman" are and decide what they mean for me without having to prove that they apply to me - and it's really wonderful to see those who do have that courage. All women - everybody, in fact - should be able to do so, I think.

[hundun]

Multiple continua model - hoorah!

[eva00]

If you would like, I will look up my friend Jade and introduce the two of you. She might have some interesting things to chat with you about on the topic of MtF, as I met her when she was still a teenage boy who wanted very much to be a teenage girl.