[Fic] Choices (formerly Silver Thread) (6/?)
Title: Choices
Pairings: Yunho/Jaejoong/fic
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: character death (later), teenage pregnancy, mild language
Genre: friendship, drama
Summary: This is a story about a suicidal moron and a moronic martyr...
Chapter 1 ; Chapter 2 ; Chapter 3 ; Chapter 4 ; Chapter 5 ; Chapter 6 ; Chapter 7 ;
Shatter
Aware. I should have been aware of your feelings that time, should I have been not? After everything you’ve done for me, after everything you have sacrificed for me, I repay you by hurting you back as much as I thought you’ve hurt me.
It was so much easier to have someone to blame… To alleviate the feelings of your heart twisting painfully… Anger is so much more easier to bear than misery.
Vengeance had clouded my mind. Vengeance and selfishness.
***
"Myocardial Infarction due to arterial thrombosis. A rare form of heart attack due to blood clotting to one of his arteries and hardening. Two years ago, a surgery had been performed on him after being rushed to the hospital wounded with a gunshot. It had unexpectedly and unknowingly set off a clump of blood circulating through his system. It settled on his coronary artery, which cuts off the oxygen supply on his heart, causing a series of undetected heart attacks, with heart tissues dying, reducing the heart’s capability to pump blood throughout the body and deliver oxygen to cells."
Dr. Shim's words echoed throughout my mind as I sat in that white, cold sterile room, staring blankly at the bed where an unconscious Yunho laid. As soon as he passed out in my arms just outside of my apartment, I rushed to call the ambulance, his last words still ringing through my ears. In the nearest hospital, I grabbed the first person I saw, only to come face to face with a doctor with eye glasses too big for his own good, who swore vulgarly (if it was in any other situation, it would’ve been funny) as soon as he saw Yunho’s pale form.
"This is not good. I told him this morning he only has a short time left before his heart fails completely. This is the third time this week that he passed out, that's not a good sign. He's only shortening the remaining time he's got.
“If we’d only discover the clot earlier, we could have prevented his condition from worsening. We discovered it too late.”
It was like being hit with a mallet on the chest, his words drilled through my ears like long nails. Or knives. Ridiculous. Words that I cannot even comprehend nor ever heard before seemed too simple to my mind. They all screamed of one thing, something too unreal, too impossible.
“He’s dying.”
Yunho, dying? The thought itself made me laugh. It's just too ridiculous. I even have the urge to laugh and say, ‘No, seriously.’
But his grave expression made denial almost impossible.
“It’s a miracle he survived this long. This is the first time I’ve ever seen someone survive two years of it…
“His will to live… is amazing…”
And then came the stupid flashbacks. The things he had said in the past… the words that I used to treasure, the words that I threw away and stomped on (with spike-heeled boots even) since that day.
" We're like two shipwrecked persons wandering in life without purpose. We’re both alone, both unneeded... At this point, we might as well be considered dead... but… wouldn't it be nice to start living again? You need a companion to share your misery. I need someone to anchor me to life, someone to protect. Why not reach out each other and help start a new life? I’ll be your companion and you’ll be my anchor. It’s perfect."
"What is more painful? Dying or being forgotten?"
" I have no family. When I die, no one will to grieve over me."
"Memories fade away, you know. They’re easily replaced. I’ll just be another person who died and was forgotten.”
All those conversations, those blank stares, hospital visits which I thought were because of fighting, the weariness etched on his face from time to time... Details I’ve missed and details I’m only remembering.
“Went to… to Shim today, you know…Wanted me to take a-a phylisal-physical examtion… Was just… just minding my own business, ya know… then he comes telling me all this… this stupid… stuff… dumb doctor…”
" Don't feel sorry, okay? You’re my friend-the first real friend I’ve ever had, and I’ll be damned if I don’t protect you. I want to. I need to. It keeps me living.”
It all made sense now, yet it didn’t. It’s hard to believe that all these time he was telling the truth. His wanting to protect me is what keeps him alive… How’s that even possible? And now that I've shunned him away... am I the cause of all this?
Is it all my fault?
Should I be angry that he had kept all this from me? Or should I be guilty for being too blind to see?
What the hell is going on?
Why did he even hide it from me? Did he even really hide it from me, or was I too self-absorbed that I couldn't even see what has been in front of me the entire time?
A dream? A nightmare? My sick twisted imagination?
Thinking about those time he stood up in front of me against the people who mistreated me…scorned me… hated me… those times he’d been the target of dangerous pranks instead of me… those times he’d been a human punching bag in my place… and all during when he was sick.
Thinking about all those things which were coming back to me with a vengeance made me sick to my stomach and made it harder to breath.
What have I done?
I shook my head viciously in an attempt to make the images disappear… It was fruitless.
A soft rustle from the bed snapped me out of my thoughts. I turned towards the bed and realized he was waking up.
The first thing he did was lift a shaky hand up in front of his face. I could see him being wracked with violent tremors, as if just lifting his hands was equivalent to lifting a car by himself. It was then that I noticed his sunken eyes, his weary face, the massive weight loss…
For a moment it occurred to me to wonder what he could be thinking… His death? Yunhei?
…Me?
He stared at his hands for who knows how long, until I gathered the nerve to call his attention.
He immediately turned his attention and for the first time noticed me, surprise and distress etched on his worn face.
"Don’t tell her. Please don’t let her know," his voice cracked, and I have never heard him beg so desperately. Tears were brimming over his eyes, threatening to fall.
“Why?” my rough voice sounded unfamiliar to my ears as I forced back that painful lump forming on my throat.
“I can’t have her worrying about me (I love her, I love her so much). It’s bad for her condition (I don’t want to hurt her). I have to be strong for her (I can’t do anything else). I have to. Please keep it a secret (I don’t want her to know that I’m dying).”
I didn’t answer him.
***
“Yunho-oppa? Is that you!?” came the muffled voice. I heard some shuffling from the other side of the door, and not a second later, the door opened. “Finally you’re home! I was getting worr-”
Yunhei stared at me as if I was a ghost who had just come back to life.
There I was all of a sudden, in front of the door she and Yunho calls ‘home.’ A shabby little apartment just outside of town, almost barren of furniture or basically any other thing that would make one call a house a home. It was only a bit bigger than his apartment at the youth center.
I didn’t even know why I went there. All I remembered was following Yunho, the two of us walking side by side in the dead cold of the night, neither one speaking or uttering a word. I had no idea where we were heading, I just followed along. It was an unspoken agreement, a truce between us two ever since we got out of the hospital a few hours later by Yunho’s insistence. A tiny voice in the back of my mind insisted that I follow him in case he collapses again.
Damn conscience. I shoved that voice away and murdered it viciously.
I stared at Yunhei, and she stared back at me. Yunho stood between us by the door, eyes avoiding either of us. It had been a long time since the three of us stood together like this, except that last time I was screaming bloody hell and Yunho ended up bloodied and Yunhei was crying inconsolably. The last time had been that painful day when I made the decision to abandon everything that mattered to me…
No one dared break the silence.
After a while, the look of surprise melted away from Yunhei’s face, and it was replaced with a smile. Warm and accepting. I never knew how much I missed that smile till now, and briefly I wondered if I deserved it in the first place. “It’s cold here outside. Why don’t we come in?”
Dinner had been awfully quiet, and frankly not enough to suffice three people. Yunhei kept apologizing over and over again for she had only prepared meals for two people (not like she had a choice, because I full well knew just by looking around the house that their budget could not be stretched further) Before I could refuse, Yunho beat me to it and sternly told Yunhei she needed to eat. Lying to her by telling her he just had a big dinner as one of his co-workers threw a big birthday bash, the same reason he was home “late.” He exchanged a glance with Yunhei before proceeding to a room where he claimed to want to change his clothes, but never reappearing again. The awkwardness was so thick that I was sure I could stick up a straw in the air and drink it. Not that I would.
Yunhei and I ate together in silence. After the meal, she insisted on washing the dishes, leaving me with nothing to do but watch her as she busied herself around the kitchen. I sat there watching her, unsure of what I was doing there in the first place.
Her stomach had grown big. Where is she, sixth month? Seventh month of pregnancy? I lost track.
I pushed back the gnawing regret that threatened to spill and flood the dingy house.
After she finished washing the dishes, she again sat at the dining table, across where I was sitting. I stared at her, drinking up her appearance and feeling slightly vindictive with the way she was squirming and avoiding my eyes.
“Are we forgiven?” she asked me out of the blue.
I stopped, briefly confused by what she was asking, before realizing what she meant. The hopeful look at her eyes and thoughts of Yunho’s affliction stopped from automatically answering negatively. Do I forgive them? I have no answer to the question, and frankly I didn’t want to answer it. I’m afraid that if I do I’d realized I’ve been nothing more than a pathetic whining bastard to the girl I had sworn to protect, and a bad friend to my…former…best friend.
I had every right to be angry. I have every right to be angry. I have every right to be angry.
“What made you think that?” I asked, not wanting to answer just yet.
She quirked a small grin. “Well, you’re here. And not yelling. I’m guessing that’s a good sign.”
I remained quiet despite her commendable attempt at humor.
A minute passed... then two... then five... and her question remained unanswered.
She sighed, hope fading from her face, and hung her head low. “You have every right to be angry.”
I know. I just said that. I didn’t want to hear anything.
“You have every right to hate me,” she continued. “But I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive us. Especially Yunho. I’m sorry I ruined your friendship with him.”
I really really didn’t want to hear anything. I sat quietly still; mentally pleading she’d stop talking.
“I’m sorry… I’ve been wanting to say that for a very long time. Everything was my fault as well.”
“It was Yunho’s fault. It was him who betrayed me. It was him who caused all this!” I couldn’t help but snap out.
Yunhei drew back, and I felt like the biggest jerk in the world.
“Please don’t say that...”
“Why shouldn’t I? Why are you defending him? It was him who ruined your future. It was him who made you like this! This is his entire fault! All his!” all the resentment, all the hate, all the anger, I can’t seem to control. The incident earlier, discovering that he’s dying, seemed to have vanished among my hate. The guilt disappeared. The instinct to hurt him who hurt me the most came back, overtaking.
Yunhei stiffened. “It takes two hands to clap. He doesn’t own the blame alone. It’s both our fault and we’re paying for the consequences right now. Him, more than you ever know,” she looked at me with knowing eyes, as if she knows everything and more.
“What happened that night… It was an accident,” she continued, almost hesitantly. “He was drunk and I insisted to help him get home… You remember that night when you called me? And so I got him home…and there… I didn’t know what I was doing… I just knew that it was wrong, but… but I couldn’t stop. Yunho-oppa wasn’t in his right mind; if he was he wouldn’t have given in… If you should blame someone, you should blame me… I was the one who wasn’t drunk… I was the one who was thinking clearly… and yet I gave in… It was all my fault, Jaejoong-oppa. You shouldn’t-“
“Shut up!” I yelled as I stood abruptly.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. The things she was saying were like merciless daggers being shoved to my ears.
I looked away, unable to meet her gaze, and turned towards the door where Yunho had entered. Right there, hidden in the dark, I saw a pair of eyes intently focused on me and Yunhei. I was sure he had silently been listening to our conversation. Our gazes met. I looked at him. He looked away reluctantly, fading into the darkness behind him.
“I have to go,” I said, standing up and heading to the door outside. I couldn’t breathe. I had to go.
“Wait... oppa...”
“It’s been nice seeing you again, Yunhei,” I said, managing to mask my shaken mind with unnatural calm that I don’t know where came from.
“Won’t you say anything to Yunho before you leave?”
I swallowed and turned towards the unclosed door where the pair of eyes had come from. “No.”
Yunhei’s words left my ears ringing and my heart racing with agitation. My own words echoed through my head. I have wanted to say those words for a long time. He had heard it, and now he knows how much I hate him. But why did I feel awful?
“You remember that time when you called me?”
The memory hit me, and suddenly I remember with perfect clarity that it was me who sent Yunhei to fetch a drunk guy. It was me. All because of me.
…Damn it.
Why? I was perfectly content on blaming him for all my pain, and then she just had to go and this on me and leave my mind reeling, confused. What? Why? Who?
I stood outside their window, watching the two of them talking. I was too agitated to do anything but kick and punch trees than go home like I intended when I stormed out of their house. She stood there, talking animatedly and trying her best to make him smile after my hurtful words, while he did his best to force a smile just to please her.
Then I saw it-a flicker of sudden pain flashing in his eyes as his expression slowly changing to that of a grimace.
He closed his eyes and embraced Yunhei from behind, one hand (the bandaged one from the injury inflicted by my door earlier) across her shoulders and the other one on her stomach as he buried his face in her hair. Tighter, firmer, he held her closer to himself as the pain visibly intensified. It was as if he was trying to make it go away, as if willing her warmth and the… the child’s… to cure his pain. Yunhei’s eyes momentarily flashed with torn worry, before masking her face with a look of confusion and asked what was wrong. He didn’t say anything, and somehow I knew it was because if he does then he will lose the strength to fend off the tears that threatened to fall anytime.
His hidden tears found their way to me. I let them fall. My lungs started to feel constricted that I was practically gasping for breath . The feeling grew, suddenly choking and my chest felt like it was about to explode. My knees gave out, and I collapsed to the ground embracing myself.
I hid my face in my palms and cried.
Seeing that pitiful expression on his face shook something in me hard, and I couldn’t for the life of me stop crying. I suddenly want to go to them. I want to go to them so badly, and embrace him and apologize for everything and cry like a child and say I’m sorry and hear him tell me it’s going to be alright, that all of this is just a horrible, horrible nightmare, and when I wake up, the three of us would still be happy, and Yunhei would still me mine, and Yunho wouldn’t be dying.
But I can’t. They hurt me, and it was worse that dying. And I refuse to accept that it was all my fault.
No, I won’t acknowledge it.
‘Is this what you're going through, Yunho? This pain... how can you stand there and act as if nothing is wrong?’
They were both wrong.
It was all my fault. All mine.
***
You'd known you were dying. That's why... the first time we met... you wanted to help me. To make sense of your existence. To at least do something with meaning before you permanently leave this world...
You’ve helped me so much, and I haven’t even said a word of thanks. Instead, I let go of hurtful words that I never truly meant. I didn’t see the things that I was supposed to see, didn’t do things I was supposed to do. I’d been blinded by my own ignorance. I was self-centered, self-absorbed, self-righteous and foolish...
Yunho, would it be too late if I ask for your forgiveness, now?
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AN: I tried. I really did. I spent countless hours revising and revising and revising this chapter, but I still feel like it's a bit lacking. Thoughts on it?
I apologize for the late update. I blame school, writing other fics, school, reading other fanfics, school, major Sungkyunkwan Scandal overload, school... Did I mention school?
And yay, I'm halfway through this fanfic! Three more chapters to go before Epilogue... Thank you all for reading!