(no subject)
Title: Etchings (3/6)
Authors: butterflyweb and nemesis_cry
Rating: NC-17
Pairing(s): HoMin, YooSu, JaeHo, YooMin, JaeSu, MinSu, OT5
Verse: Acts
Summary: Six scenes. Five men. A lifetime.
Chapter 1 | 2 |
Water drips into a hollow vase, an ancient way to mark the time still preserved in this bedroom of theirs. It's a room that's been shared with many Emperors and their concubines, the smell of sex and death and lives lived in circumstances Yunho has been taught to despise still hanging heavily in the air. He sips at a tall glass and sighs, watching shadows mix and give form to Jaejoong's lean frame, nude body bathed in the light that streams through their tall windows.
"You're quite the voyeur, aren't you?" the former rebel laughs, his back turned to him but senses sharp. They alway have been.
But even in recognition, Jaejoong's posture doesn't change. He doesn't move to hide himself, to hurriedly cover up. Some would call it arrogant, others comfortable. And still others, like Yunho, would admit that they will never quite understand what goes on behind Jaejoong's flawless appearance. A wide back curves as the younger man reaches to tie his hair back, the stray lock still spilling into his eyes.
"On Attica," he replies evenly, "there's always someone watching." Whether it's servants, guards, or worse, assassins. Jaejoong is brave but not foolish--or so Yunho hopes. "I can leave you in peace, if you prefer."
"Did I say that?" Jaejoong returns mildly, water still beaded on his flat stomach as he pulls on thin trousers. Crossing the room on bare feet, he stands in front of Yunho, deliberately in his personal space. "Is something wrong?"
The glass comes to rest on the floor at his feet, half empty, uninteresting now. Yunho arches an eyebrow. "Did I say that?" Hard muscle shifts with every breath Jaejoong takes, the other man aware that his body is best displayed in this light, in this state of angelic debauchery. Sinful but not.
Yunho stands. "Then you want me to stay." It's not a question, but Jaejoong nods yes ever so slightly. It's an involuntary slip-up and though he tries to cover it with one of his seductive smiles, Yunho knows. Or thinks he does.
He moves forward, until they're chest to chest, hooking an arm around Jaejoong's waist, thinner than his own, than Yoochun's even. Jaejoong's features were made to hide, a mask of porcelain and high-cheekbones, eyes too dark and too deep to betray any secrets. Yunho wonders if even Yoochun truly knows him, best friends since childhood. If any of them truly have this man.
And that in itself is a sin.
"I've been waiting for you to make your move," Jaejoong replies and his voice is the polished allure of high class prostitutes, of men and women who seduce with one purpose in mind. For a moment, his arm draws tighter, hurt plain to see in his eyes. They deserve more than this--Jaejoong deserves more than this.
Yunho presses his thumb against delicate lips, silencing him. Jaejoong misunderstands, eyelashes lowering to make his gaze so much darker than it should be. So much more veiled in secrecy. His mouth opens, tongue darting out and it's a trick, a game, and Yunho won't fall for it this time.
He swallows hard, jaw set in a tight line, and shifts his hand to cup Jaejoong's cheek, forcing their gazes to meet. He has seen the other man in fury, in triumph. In tears. So why now? Why when he should know him best, most intimately, does Jaejoong feel like a stranger?
"Stop it," he murmurs. "Stop."
Confusion washes over those same beautiful features, Jaejoong making to pull away. He doesn't get it--maybe he doesn't even know he's doing it.
"Stop what?" he asks, sounding only slightly cowed and more than ever, concerned. Yunho doesn't let him get away, not this time.
A hand grabs his, tugging him along towards the bed. "Stop playing me. You mean too much for me to take it."
Jaejoong stops in his tracks, planting himself on the floor, turning Yunho back to him. His face is etched with anger and confusion, body rigid with the same. "Playing you?" he asks, icy, and at least there is a hint of recognition in the other man.
"The whole ritual," Yunho snaps. "You do it every time when you're with me and not with the others. You put this face on." He can't help sounding bitter. "You go away somewhere in your head. I've seen you do it so many times..." For years, hoping it was for the best. That maybe it didn't mean what he feared it did.
He moves close, sliding a hand over Jaejoong's shoulder to cup his nape. "You treat me the same now, all these years later, as if we were still on Elysia. As if I'm just another obstacle you have to get past."
Frustration is thick in his voice.
The other man stiffens ever so slightly--he doesn't see it. "That's not true. I trust you with my life." He frowns, willing Yunho to understand. "I've trusted you with my body so many times... with Yoochun. You know that's not true." And he has a point in saying they've been together often, because they have, but the difference has always been there. The fear.
"You're not you when we're together." Yunho's fingers stroke his skin, doing nothing to ease the tension that lingers. "Just now, you came to me like you had to. Like you think it's the best course of action... you make yourself want me when you don't."
Jaejoong has stopped shaking his head in denial, jaw clenched.
Yunho touches his face softly. "Don't you trust me with your heart, Jaejoong?"
"Don't be such an asshole," the other man snarls, pushing his hand away and pressing close, lips intent on finding his and it doesn't matter that the kiss is more an act of war than passion, it doesn't matter that they fall sprawled on the bed, because Jaejoong is never like this and Yunho almost clings to the change--until his lover drags him over his body and feigns that docile look he's come to hate so much.
He feels frustration boil in his stomach, anger threatening to course through him, and deeper than he'd readily admit, hurt. He was no one's first choice. He knows it. It's driven home every time he has Jaejoong underneath him, an actor in his bed.
He moves to push himself away. He doesn't want this. He doesn't want his love to be tolerated.
Long fingers claw at his arms, trying to keep him down. "Don't leave me." Words spoken in a flurry of gasps and half-swallowed sobs and Jaejoong is begging and this is just as bad, worse than before. "Yunho. Stay."
It twists his stomach.
Torn, he hesitates before settling along his lover's side, drawing him into his arms and he has to close his eyes because he doesn't understand. He doesn't understand what Jaejoong wants, not when he hears it from his lips and nowhere else.
Jaejoong hides his face, breathing hard as if he's restraining himself. It's confusing and painful, but Yunho should know better than to write off the younger man's efforts. Lips press against his nipple, tugging and biting against the skin.
"I said--"
"Please just..." He won't meet Yunho's gaze, but he's there, he's not pretending. "I'll tell you. I just... Let me do this." I need the distraction.
Yunho falls silent except for the small noises Jaejoong's attentions wring from him, a hand ghosting between his shoulder blades. It's alright, he tries to communicate, through the simple brush of fingers. I love you.
Jaejoong is fire and ice under his hands, sharp angles burning with want and that, at least, Yunho understands. He soothes however best he can, shuddering when his lover's lips meet his sternum, skin still sensitive from the aftermath of a plasma wound. The act, his own thoughtless abandon unnerve him and he can't help bristle when the other man won't cease as promised.
It's only the gentle whisper of his voice that saves them.
"I'm being so very... very.. selfish."
"What? That's not..." A finger over his lips silences him abruptly.
Jaejoong hides behind his hair, hands stroking Yunho's thighs. "I always knew you loved Junsu and Changmin... and I always thought you could love Yoochun. I always thought you could love them better than me." His tongue laps heatedly over Yunho's navel, the muscles in his abdomen jumping with restraint. "'Cause you see, Yunho... I've always known I'm a little selfish. A little... broken." His fingers tap his temple. "Up here, that is." He draws back, smiling ruefully. "It runs in the family."
Yunho slides a hand around Jaejoong's nape, drawing him up and even then, the other man won't meet his eyes. He considers his words carefully, his fingertips sliding over the ink on the high between the man's shoulders.
"And who loves you best?"
Dark eyelashes lower over porcelain skin, Adam's apple bobbing in his throat and when he speaks, Jaejoong's voice trembles, unsure. "Does it matter?" It's a child's voice, heavy with a grown man's words. "You love Yoochun, I know you do. And I know you want me... I can always tell."
I know you want me. Not love. After all this time, he doesn't get it. Won't get it.
Yunho shifts their weight, lying over Jaejoong and cradling him with his limbs. He can feel the other shake beneath him. "Jaejoong. Jae. Look at me."
There's a smile on his lover's lips when he does, but it's shaky, Jaejoong's eyes confessing more than his lips do. "Like now," he goes on, fingers splayed over his chest, scratching, caressing. Not pushing him away.
Jaejoong never does.
Yunho swallows thickly, grasping his wrists. "You are not my whore. Stop acting like one."
A sharp inhale, and pressure against his chest, Jaejoong trying to get out from under him, eyes wet. "You fucker. What the fuck gives you the right--" He's strong, stronger than he looks and it takes effort to keep him in place. Effort Yunho hopes won't earn him a punch in the mouth.
"Nothing," he snaps back, incensed. "Nothing gives me the right to touch you like this, right? I've been sleeping with you and loving you all these years and I'm nothing more than a john." His fists hold his wrists in a death grip, tugging them to the bed. "That's it, isn't it? That's what you want from me?"
A bitter, twisted laugh, and Jaejoong is furious, layers stripping bare as they give way to his anger. "Yes, yes, that's what I want." A sharp tug on his wrists, trying to get free. "Don't forget to leave the fucking credits on the table when you go."
For a second, he doubts. For a second, he almost believes his bullshit, but in the next he remembers how long he's known the rebel and how much they've weathered together. This isn't how they end.
"Is that really how you think of me?" Yunho grits out, pushing the other man's arms flat against the sheets. Leverage is all that gives him the advantage - and he's well aware how dangerous that is. "Is that want you want me to do? Treat you like a whore so you can justify yourself and say you were right all along? You've always kept me at arm's length. Why?"
Pushing and pushing, till it hits a crescendo and Jaejoong snaps.
"Because I'm afraid of you!"
Yunho feels his heart sink, his grip on Jaejoong's wrists loosening as the other man stares up at him, red-faced, salt streaking his features from absent tears. Yunho swallows hard, tries to anyway, unable to break their gaze. "Why? I've never...I wouldn't ever..."
"I'm afraid," Jaejoong whispers. "Afraid of how weak you make me. How...Afraid of you, because you love them better than I could. Because..."
Because they might not need me anymore.
Fingers uncurl from thin pale wrists, Yunho lost between his horror and the knowledge that he's wrong for this, doesn't know how to comfort the other man. He knows guns and flight formations and he knows how to keep them alive, but he's going to fuck this up. The one thing that actually matters and he feels his own inadequacy hang over him like a deadly sword.
Over the sound of water dripping far from them and Jaejoong's harsh breaths as he tries to calm himself, Yunho draws himself back to his knees. Changmin's voice is loud in his ear, even with the other man gone. He needs you.
"I've always thought... I've always thought you made us strong, Jae," he breathes. "I owe you so much. I love you so much." His lips press against the other's knee, exhaling against his skin. "I'd be dead without you." And he doesn't mean just physically. Without Jaejoong, Yoochun would still resent him to this day. Junsu would've sacrificed himself. And Changmin... Changmin would be lost to the demons in his mind.
"Yunho..." Doubting. Jaejoong won't look at him, eyes staring out into the dim light of the room. And for once, Yunho is smart enough not to take it as a slight, but for what it is.
Leaning forward, he braces himself with a hand, looking down at Jaejoong. "Do you know when I first loved you?" He reaches to brush his fingers over dark ink on pale skin. "When I saw this, and knew it wasn't Yoochun's idea." His hand slips down to rest over Jaejoong's chest, feeling the light thump of his heart. "He tries so hard to take care of you like you do him, but you won't let him, will you? Because you're afraid that he won't need you anymore."
Jaejoong's breath hitches, eyes closed.
"As if you're replaceable," Yunho adds, his voice a sigh because he shouldn't be right about this, doesn't want to be. How can Jaejoong not know the truth? "The way he loves you...you're in him so deeply, he could never let you go."
His fingers trace the outline of a scar and he can still remember the heat of the plasma rifle as it was pressed against his back. The accusation in dark eyes before they turned vacant and Jaejoong took the fall for him instead.
"I'm afraid..." Jaejoong swallows thickly. "I'm afraid I'm just the sum of your parts. All your parts. Nothing more." That there's nothing more to me than you four and when you're gone, I'll be gone.
"You're Changmin's mentor. Even if he has his strength inside him, he'd be lost without you." Nails scrape the bony outline of a hip. "You're his guide." He rests his hand on the flat plane of Jaejoong's stomach. "All these years and Junsu is still in awe of you. You don't let him pull away, make himself an outsider. He learns grace from you, confidence."
Brushing his thumb over Jaejoong's cheek. "You're the first one Yoochun looks to. He trusts you without thought, without question."
And you?
"And I..." Yunho meets his eyes, tired, desperate. "I'm afraid one day you'll stop wanting me for the things I've done." He bites his lip because even now there are things he won't allow himself to face, details that are best forgotten. "I'm afraid you'll remember who I used to be and hate me. I'm afraid you'll see..." Laughter rises to his lips, unbidden, unamused and somewhere along the line Jaejoong's tears became his own. "I never thought love was more than a concept for books and population control... until I met you. Until you came to me on Elysia and gave me a chance."
He swallows hard, and this time, it's him who looks away.
"I couldn't have loved them without you."
There's a heavy silence in the air, eyes closed against the dark of the room, and then there are fingertips brushing his cheek, catching his tears. He tightens his jaw, forces himself to open his eyes and meet Jaejoong's gaze.
The love he sees there, bare and unprotected, makes his heart stutter in his chest.
"Love me," his lover breathes, sounding as choked up as Yunho feels and he can't know but those are Yoochun's words from so long ago, fed back, through time, through aches and wounds that flare up when he least expects it.
His body covers Jaejoong's, heavy, old, he knows, trying to protect him from unseen evil. "I'll never stop."
He doesn't know how it shifts, somewhere between the stroke of Jaejoong's hand and the tilt of his chin, but they're kissing, soft and deep and slow, flavored with tears. There's no hurrying of this moment, of their bodies tangled together on sheets they share with three others. There's no safety net, no retreat, just the feather soft touch of lips and hands.
They re-learn each other, sorrows and doubts and the ten years between them fading, Yunho's lips tracing inked words as Jaejoong shudders, curled around and through each other. "I love you," breaks the harmony of sighs and skin on skin, a gentle reminder, a reassurance, a question. They move together, just as them, and for the first time, they come together.
Glittering eyes meet his own, breath still coming too fast, and Yunho strokes a soft cheek, brings their mouths together once again.
"Love me," he asks, their skin sweaty and pressed together, limbs tangled.
"I'll never stop," Jaejoong whispers, and smiles, bright enough to light the room.
Authors: butterflyweb and nemesis_cry
Rating: NC-17
Pairing(s): HoMin, YooSu, JaeHo, YooMin, JaeSu, MinSu, OT5
Verse: Acts
Summary: Six scenes. Five men. A lifetime.
Chapter 1 | 2 |
Water drips into a hollow vase, an ancient way to mark the time still preserved in this bedroom of theirs. It's a room that's been shared with many Emperors and their concubines, the smell of sex and death and lives lived in circumstances Yunho has been taught to despise still hanging heavily in the air. He sips at a tall glass and sighs, watching shadows mix and give form to Jaejoong's lean frame, nude body bathed in the light that streams through their tall windows.
"You're quite the voyeur, aren't you?" the former rebel laughs, his back turned to him but senses sharp. They alway have been.
But even in recognition, Jaejoong's posture doesn't change. He doesn't move to hide himself, to hurriedly cover up. Some would call it arrogant, others comfortable. And still others, like Yunho, would admit that they will never quite understand what goes on behind Jaejoong's flawless appearance. A wide back curves as the younger man reaches to tie his hair back, the stray lock still spilling into his eyes.
"On Attica," he replies evenly, "there's always someone watching." Whether it's servants, guards, or worse, assassins. Jaejoong is brave but not foolish--or so Yunho hopes. "I can leave you in peace, if you prefer."
"Did I say that?" Jaejoong returns mildly, water still beaded on his flat stomach as he pulls on thin trousers. Crossing the room on bare feet, he stands in front of Yunho, deliberately in his personal space. "Is something wrong?"
The glass comes to rest on the floor at his feet, half empty, uninteresting now. Yunho arches an eyebrow. "Did I say that?" Hard muscle shifts with every breath Jaejoong takes, the other man aware that his body is best displayed in this light, in this state of angelic debauchery. Sinful but not.
Yunho stands. "Then you want me to stay." It's not a question, but Jaejoong nods yes ever so slightly. It's an involuntary slip-up and though he tries to cover it with one of his seductive smiles, Yunho knows. Or thinks he does.
He moves forward, until they're chest to chest, hooking an arm around Jaejoong's waist, thinner than his own, than Yoochun's even. Jaejoong's features were made to hide, a mask of porcelain and high-cheekbones, eyes too dark and too deep to betray any secrets. Yunho wonders if even Yoochun truly knows him, best friends since childhood. If any of them truly have this man.
And that in itself is a sin.
"I've been waiting for you to make your move," Jaejoong replies and his voice is the polished allure of high class prostitutes, of men and women who seduce with one purpose in mind. For a moment, his arm draws tighter, hurt plain to see in his eyes. They deserve more than this--Jaejoong deserves more than this.
Yunho presses his thumb against delicate lips, silencing him. Jaejoong misunderstands, eyelashes lowering to make his gaze so much darker than it should be. So much more veiled in secrecy. His mouth opens, tongue darting out and it's a trick, a game, and Yunho won't fall for it this time.
He swallows hard, jaw set in a tight line, and shifts his hand to cup Jaejoong's cheek, forcing their gazes to meet. He has seen the other man in fury, in triumph. In tears. So why now? Why when he should know him best, most intimately, does Jaejoong feel like a stranger?
"Stop it," he murmurs. "Stop."
Confusion washes over those same beautiful features, Jaejoong making to pull away. He doesn't get it--maybe he doesn't even know he's doing it.
"Stop what?" he asks, sounding only slightly cowed and more than ever, concerned. Yunho doesn't let him get away, not this time.
A hand grabs his, tugging him along towards the bed. "Stop playing me. You mean too much for me to take it."
Jaejoong stops in his tracks, planting himself on the floor, turning Yunho back to him. His face is etched with anger and confusion, body rigid with the same. "Playing you?" he asks, icy, and at least there is a hint of recognition in the other man.
"The whole ritual," Yunho snaps. "You do it every time when you're with me and not with the others. You put this face on." He can't help sounding bitter. "You go away somewhere in your head. I've seen you do it so many times..." For years, hoping it was for the best. That maybe it didn't mean what he feared it did.
He moves close, sliding a hand over Jaejoong's shoulder to cup his nape. "You treat me the same now, all these years later, as if we were still on Elysia. As if I'm just another obstacle you have to get past."
Frustration is thick in his voice.
The other man stiffens ever so slightly--he doesn't see it. "That's not true. I trust you with my life." He frowns, willing Yunho to understand. "I've trusted you with my body so many times... with Yoochun. You know that's not true." And he has a point in saying they've been together often, because they have, but the difference has always been there. The fear.
"You're not you when we're together." Yunho's fingers stroke his skin, doing nothing to ease the tension that lingers. "Just now, you came to me like you had to. Like you think it's the best course of action... you make yourself want me when you don't."
Jaejoong has stopped shaking his head in denial, jaw clenched.
Yunho touches his face softly. "Don't you trust me with your heart, Jaejoong?"
"Don't be such an asshole," the other man snarls, pushing his hand away and pressing close, lips intent on finding his and it doesn't matter that the kiss is more an act of war than passion, it doesn't matter that they fall sprawled on the bed, because Jaejoong is never like this and Yunho almost clings to the change--until his lover drags him over his body and feigns that docile look he's come to hate so much.
He feels frustration boil in his stomach, anger threatening to course through him, and deeper than he'd readily admit, hurt. He was no one's first choice. He knows it. It's driven home every time he has Jaejoong underneath him, an actor in his bed.
He moves to push himself away. He doesn't want this. He doesn't want his love to be tolerated.
Long fingers claw at his arms, trying to keep him down. "Don't leave me." Words spoken in a flurry of gasps and half-swallowed sobs and Jaejoong is begging and this is just as bad, worse than before. "Yunho. Stay."
It twists his stomach.
Torn, he hesitates before settling along his lover's side, drawing him into his arms and he has to close his eyes because he doesn't understand. He doesn't understand what Jaejoong wants, not when he hears it from his lips and nowhere else.
Jaejoong hides his face, breathing hard as if he's restraining himself. It's confusing and painful, but Yunho should know better than to write off the younger man's efforts. Lips press against his nipple, tugging and biting against the skin.
"I said--"
"Please just..." He won't meet Yunho's gaze, but he's there, he's not pretending. "I'll tell you. I just... Let me do this." I need the distraction.
Yunho falls silent except for the small noises Jaejoong's attentions wring from him, a hand ghosting between his shoulder blades. It's alright, he tries to communicate, through the simple brush of fingers. I love you.
Jaejoong is fire and ice under his hands, sharp angles burning with want and that, at least, Yunho understands. He soothes however best he can, shuddering when his lover's lips meet his sternum, skin still sensitive from the aftermath of a plasma wound. The act, his own thoughtless abandon unnerve him and he can't help bristle when the other man won't cease as promised.
It's only the gentle whisper of his voice that saves them.
"I'm being so very... very.. selfish."
"What? That's not..." A finger over his lips silences him abruptly.
Jaejoong hides behind his hair, hands stroking Yunho's thighs. "I always knew you loved Junsu and Changmin... and I always thought you could love Yoochun. I always thought you could love them better than me." His tongue laps heatedly over Yunho's navel, the muscles in his abdomen jumping with restraint. "'Cause you see, Yunho... I've always known I'm a little selfish. A little... broken." His fingers tap his temple. "Up here, that is." He draws back, smiling ruefully. "It runs in the family."
Yunho slides a hand around Jaejoong's nape, drawing him up and even then, the other man won't meet his eyes. He considers his words carefully, his fingertips sliding over the ink on the high between the man's shoulders.
"And who loves you best?"
Dark eyelashes lower over porcelain skin, Adam's apple bobbing in his throat and when he speaks, Jaejoong's voice trembles, unsure. "Does it matter?" It's a child's voice, heavy with a grown man's words. "You love Yoochun, I know you do. And I know you want me... I can always tell."
I know you want me. Not love. After all this time, he doesn't get it. Won't get it.
Yunho shifts their weight, lying over Jaejoong and cradling him with his limbs. He can feel the other shake beneath him. "Jaejoong. Jae. Look at me."
There's a smile on his lover's lips when he does, but it's shaky, Jaejoong's eyes confessing more than his lips do. "Like now," he goes on, fingers splayed over his chest, scratching, caressing. Not pushing him away.
Jaejoong never does.
Yunho swallows thickly, grasping his wrists. "You are not my whore. Stop acting like one."
A sharp inhale, and pressure against his chest, Jaejoong trying to get out from under him, eyes wet. "You fucker. What the fuck gives you the right--" He's strong, stronger than he looks and it takes effort to keep him in place. Effort Yunho hopes won't earn him a punch in the mouth.
"Nothing," he snaps back, incensed. "Nothing gives me the right to touch you like this, right? I've been sleeping with you and loving you all these years and I'm nothing more than a john." His fists hold his wrists in a death grip, tugging them to the bed. "That's it, isn't it? That's what you want from me?"
A bitter, twisted laugh, and Jaejoong is furious, layers stripping bare as they give way to his anger. "Yes, yes, that's what I want." A sharp tug on his wrists, trying to get free. "Don't forget to leave the fucking credits on the table when you go."
For a second, he doubts. For a second, he almost believes his bullshit, but in the next he remembers how long he's known the rebel and how much they've weathered together. This isn't how they end.
"Is that really how you think of me?" Yunho grits out, pushing the other man's arms flat against the sheets. Leverage is all that gives him the advantage - and he's well aware how dangerous that is. "Is that want you want me to do? Treat you like a whore so you can justify yourself and say you were right all along? You've always kept me at arm's length. Why?"
Pushing and pushing, till it hits a crescendo and Jaejoong snaps.
"Because I'm afraid of you!"
Yunho feels his heart sink, his grip on Jaejoong's wrists loosening as the other man stares up at him, red-faced, salt streaking his features from absent tears. Yunho swallows hard, tries to anyway, unable to break their gaze. "Why? I've never...I wouldn't ever..."
"I'm afraid," Jaejoong whispers. "Afraid of how weak you make me. How...Afraid of you, because you love them better than I could. Because..."
Because they might not need me anymore.
Fingers uncurl from thin pale wrists, Yunho lost between his horror and the knowledge that he's wrong for this, doesn't know how to comfort the other man. He knows guns and flight formations and he knows how to keep them alive, but he's going to fuck this up. The one thing that actually matters and he feels his own inadequacy hang over him like a deadly sword.
Over the sound of water dripping far from them and Jaejoong's harsh breaths as he tries to calm himself, Yunho draws himself back to his knees. Changmin's voice is loud in his ear, even with the other man gone. He needs you.
"I've always thought... I've always thought you made us strong, Jae," he breathes. "I owe you so much. I love you so much." His lips press against the other's knee, exhaling against his skin. "I'd be dead without you." And he doesn't mean just physically. Without Jaejoong, Yoochun would still resent him to this day. Junsu would've sacrificed himself. And Changmin... Changmin would be lost to the demons in his mind.
"Yunho..." Doubting. Jaejoong won't look at him, eyes staring out into the dim light of the room. And for once, Yunho is smart enough not to take it as a slight, but for what it is.
Leaning forward, he braces himself with a hand, looking down at Jaejoong. "Do you know when I first loved you?" He reaches to brush his fingers over dark ink on pale skin. "When I saw this, and knew it wasn't Yoochun's idea." His hand slips down to rest over Jaejoong's chest, feeling the light thump of his heart. "He tries so hard to take care of you like you do him, but you won't let him, will you? Because you're afraid that he won't need you anymore."
Jaejoong's breath hitches, eyes closed.
"As if you're replaceable," Yunho adds, his voice a sigh because he shouldn't be right about this, doesn't want to be. How can Jaejoong not know the truth? "The way he loves you...you're in him so deeply, he could never let you go."
His fingers trace the outline of a scar and he can still remember the heat of the plasma rifle as it was pressed against his back. The accusation in dark eyes before they turned vacant and Jaejoong took the fall for him instead.
"I'm afraid..." Jaejoong swallows thickly. "I'm afraid I'm just the sum of your parts. All your parts. Nothing more." That there's nothing more to me than you four and when you're gone, I'll be gone.
"You're Changmin's mentor. Even if he has his strength inside him, he'd be lost without you." Nails scrape the bony outline of a hip. "You're his guide." He rests his hand on the flat plane of Jaejoong's stomach. "All these years and Junsu is still in awe of you. You don't let him pull away, make himself an outsider. He learns grace from you, confidence."
Brushing his thumb over Jaejoong's cheek. "You're the first one Yoochun looks to. He trusts you without thought, without question."
And you?
"And I..." Yunho meets his eyes, tired, desperate. "I'm afraid one day you'll stop wanting me for the things I've done." He bites his lip because even now there are things he won't allow himself to face, details that are best forgotten. "I'm afraid you'll remember who I used to be and hate me. I'm afraid you'll see..." Laughter rises to his lips, unbidden, unamused and somewhere along the line Jaejoong's tears became his own. "I never thought love was more than a concept for books and population control... until I met you. Until you came to me on Elysia and gave me a chance."
He swallows hard, and this time, it's him who looks away.
"I couldn't have loved them without you."
There's a heavy silence in the air, eyes closed against the dark of the room, and then there are fingertips brushing his cheek, catching his tears. He tightens his jaw, forces himself to open his eyes and meet Jaejoong's gaze.
The love he sees there, bare and unprotected, makes his heart stutter in his chest.
"Love me," his lover breathes, sounding as choked up as Yunho feels and he can't know but those are Yoochun's words from so long ago, fed back, through time, through aches and wounds that flare up when he least expects it.
His body covers Jaejoong's, heavy, old, he knows, trying to protect him from unseen evil. "I'll never stop."
He doesn't know how it shifts, somewhere between the stroke of Jaejoong's hand and the tilt of his chin, but they're kissing, soft and deep and slow, flavored with tears. There's no hurrying of this moment, of their bodies tangled together on sheets they share with three others. There's no safety net, no retreat, just the feather soft touch of lips and hands.
They re-learn each other, sorrows and doubts and the ten years between them fading, Yunho's lips tracing inked words as Jaejoong shudders, curled around and through each other. "I love you," breaks the harmony of sighs and skin on skin, a gentle reminder, a reassurance, a question. They move together, just as them, and for the first time, they come together.
Glittering eyes meet his own, breath still coming too fast, and Yunho strokes a soft cheek, brings their mouths together once again.
"Love me," he asks, their skin sweaty and pressed together, limbs tangled.
"I'll never stop," Jaejoong whispers, and smiles, bright enough to light the room.