Your Heart On The Line [Remus/Sirius, Sirius/James - NC-17] - Part 1
Author: eprime
Title: Your Heart on the Line
Prompt: #037 Submitted by: deathjunke
Pairing: Remus/Sirius, Sirius/James
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: drinking, adult language, explicit sexual encounters, cheating
Word Count: Part I: 8314, Total: 17,071
Summary: Things aren't always simple, but they're always there for each other.
Notes: Title from Little Lion Man by Mumford and Sons
Your Heart on the Line
One.
"Oh, hello, Moony."
James sat up on the bed and ran his hand through the back of his hair, smiling as Remus shut the door behind him and moved to kneel in front of his trunk. Sirius was sprawled lengthwise across the middle of the bed, propped up on one elbow. He smirked as Remus looked up from the bag he was unloading.
"I'll be out of here in a moment." Remus really didn't want to return to the library or even go down to the common room. Full was in two days and he was tired and achy and just wanted to curl up on his bed and stop thinking for a while. He wasn't oblivious like Peter sometimes was, though, and he could tell James and Sirius had thought he'd be wrapped up in the library with his Ancient Runes project a lot longer this evening. Without focusing, he stared into his trunk and grabbed the first book his fingers touched.
"Found it." He forced a smile to his face and stood. "See you in a bit."
"You don't have to go."
James was looking at him, his brow creasing a little as he took in Remus' pallor and the circles under his eyes. The hand Remus had curled around the spine of the book gripped a little tighter. He hated the weakness each cycle brought.
"You should rest."
"Thanks, mum," Remus murmured, letting one side of his mouth just twist up.
Sirius, who had remained silent so far, gave a snort of laughter and pushed up off the bed. James grinned and waggled a finger at Remus.
"Someone's got to look after you, young man. You're a growing boy and all."
"How much more do you want him to grow?" Sirius asked. "He's had to buy new shoes once already this term."
"Yes, I know. Our ickle Moony has finally become a strapping young lad." James wiped away a pretend tear.
"Shut it," Remus said sedately. "Anyway, you know what they say about big feet."
"Why, Moony!" Sirius adopted tones of shock. "Are you bragging about the size of your prick? Whatever is the world coming to?"
"It's not bragging if it's true."
James and Sirius laughed.
"He's got you there, Padfoot."
"So he says. Seeing is believing."
"Just what are you suggesting, Mr. Black?" Remus infused his tone with breathless dismay.
"Drop trou and prove it, Mr Lupin."
"I'm not that kind of a boy, I'm afraid. You'll have to get your jollies elsewhere."
He could have bitten his tongue. James and Sirius exchanged smirks.
"Well, yes, I suppose we had better be off and leave our blushing little virgin to his book and bed."
Remus rolled his eyes but dropped resignedly onto his bed. At least he wouldn't have to bide his time in the common room. He threw an arm across his eyes and tried to remember that even before James and Sirius had started this--whatever it was--between them, Remus had sometimes felt like a third wheel in their presence.
Somehow that didn't make him feel any better. Still, he couldn't help wishing they would stay and keep him company, even while wanting at the same time for them just to go and take the awkward tension with them.
"Do you need anything?"
Remus moved his arm and saw Sirius standing over him. He was studying Remus carefully with a thoughtful expression of concern that many would have found out of place on his face. It made the blood in Remus' heart surge strongly for a beat.
"I'm fine, Padfoot, honestly." Remus smiled. "Just tired."
James appeared next Sirius, the invisibility cloak draped over his arm. "Sure you don't want to come out with us?"
The offer warmed Remus a little, even as his cynical inner voice noted that James had only asked because he was secure in knowing that Remus would decline. Maybe James did even mean it genuinely. The two of them did make an effort most of the time not to pair off on their own excessively, well not more often than they ever had. Not that Remus was about to intrude when he was sure they were hoping for some time together alone. The thought made him want to cringe into his pillow.
"Nah. I'll stay here with my book and Sirius' Honeydukes stash that he thinks no one knows about."
They laughed again and he shooed them away with a mocking little flutter of his fingers. The door closed on their laughter and Remus tried not to think about what they were off to do. He rolled over and tucked his face against his pillow. Just a little a nap and then he would get up and shower and maybe catch up on his Potions reading.
He didn't wake up until the next morning. Someone had taken off his shoes and drawn a blanket over him at some point in the night--Sirius probably. A flare of gratitude made him smile softly and regret his bout of envious brooding.
He heard stirrings across the room and he looked over to see James stick his tousled head out of his curtains and look around. When he saw Remus awake, he grinned.
"All right, Moony?"
"Morning, James." Remus yawned and stretched until his back popped then got up and padded to the bathroom to relieve his bladder and give Sirius time to get back to his own bed before Peter woke up. It wasn't as if it was a secret exactly that Sirius often slept in James' bed this year, but the forms had always been upheld.
He took his time brushing his teeth and hair and then headed back to his bed, stopping at his trunk to pull out his trousers and shirt and sweater. Sirius was sitting up in the middle of his bed nibbling on a chocolate frog, and James was heading into the loo for his daily hair ritual that took half an hour even though he always came out looking almost the same as when he went in.
"Nice breakfast." Remus smiled at him. "Don't you know chocolate is very bad for dogs? Though, given what Padfoot found and ate by the lake last week I suppose it won't hurt much."
"Woof!" Sirius grinned back. "Anyway, I'm hungry and you know how long Prongs takes to get ready."
Sirius always looked good effortlessly, even after rolling out of bed at the last possible moment.
"Indeed I do," Remus grimaced as he slipped out of yesterday's clothes and wished he had time for a shower. Once he was dressed in his fresh uniform, he picked up his Potions book and sighed. "Guess I'll read a chapter before breakfast then."
"You've forgotten your tie." Sirius gestured with the headless frog.
"Oh." Remus frowned, looking around his bed and crouching down to sort through his trunk again. "Have you seen it anywhere? I took it off yesterday and I thought it was here."
"I've an extra you can borrow." Sirius crawled to the end of his bed and grabbed it from his trunk.
"Ta."
He reached to take it but Sirius held on, smirking at their little tug of war. Remus raised an eyebrow which only made Sirius smile more widely.
"It does make a nice leash," Remus said dryly. "But I don't have time to take you for walkies before class."
"You'd better take him out before he piddles on the floor again." Peter's sleep-thick voice came from within his still shrouded bed.
"Sod off, Wormtail," Sirius called, letting go of the tie. "That was only the once."
"Tell that to my bedpost." Peter finally emerged and sat on the edge of his bed, rubbing the heels of his hands against his eyes.
Breakfast was a subdued affair. Peter was shoveling in sausages with one hand and propping his Potions text open with the other. Remus was only nibbling at the food on his plate. With the full moon being so close he felt slightly nauseous, though he knew he should force himself to finish if he wanted to keep any sort of strength after.
James called out a greeting to Lily as she passed them and Remus looked up in time to see Sirius scowl and stab at the eggs on his plate. James was oblivious. He kept looking down the table in between bites barely paying attention to the comments Sirius would throw out. Once he'd finished he pushed his plate away and murmured a quick excuse before rising and sauntering down the table to take a seat by Lily. Sirius' expression turned even blacker and his hands tightened around his silverware before he let them clatter to the table.
Remus dropped his eyes when Sirius looked up at him.
"You're going to finish that." Sirius' clipped tone made Remus lift his eyebrows in mild surprise. It wasn't a question. He looked up at Sirius again and shrugged.
"Not hungry."
"Eat it anyway."
The look on Sirius' face was purely thunderous on the surface. Underneath, though, Remus thought it was a little lost, so he simply forked another bite into his mouth and chewed slowly ignoring the slow roil of his stomach. Peter looked up from his text with mild sympathy.
"Rough morning?"
"I'm all right." Remus smiled wanly. "Sometimes it's a bit like feeling hungover, only without the fun of the evening before."
Sirius snorted and actually cracked a grin. "Maybe we should get you drunk, then, if you're going to suffer the consequences regardless."
"Oh God," Remus groaned. "Don't talk about alcohol now." His stomach churned again, and he carefully laid his knife and fork across his plate.
Sirius' eyes flicked down the table, and Remus followed his gaze. It was no surprise that Lily didn't look particularly pleased by James' attention. At least some of the tension seemed to go out of Sirius. When he looked back at Remus his smile seemed genuine.
"Want to go have a smoke before class?"
Remus pushed his plate away with relief. "Sure."
"Wormtail?"
"Can't." His eyes ticked back and forth over the page of his book.
Remus followed Sirius out onto the grounds, and they both leaned into the shelter of an overhanging arch as they puffed their fags into life. Sirius inhaled deeply, tilting his head back to blow a column of smoke into the crisp morning air. His cheeks hollowed with each drag and Remus watched him from underneath his too-long fringe.
His own actions were economical and efficient, jerky motions that accomplished his task rather than creating the grand theatrical gestures that Sirius could always pull off effectively without even trying. Remus sucked in a harsh breath and let the smoke fill his lungs before exhaling sharply.
Leaning up against the rough stone wall and looking out over the courtyard as the early morning fog burnt off was remarkably soothing, and they didn't speak until they were grinding the butts into the stone and flicking them into the air before vanishing them.
"Are you all right, Sirius?" Remus ventured.
"Of course." Sirius shoved his hands deep into his cloak but looked at Remus with an arrogant lift of his eyebrow. "Why wouldn't I be?"
Remus just shrugged wishing he still had something to do with his hands. Instead, he just rubbed them together and blew on his chilled fingers. "It's getting cold early this year."
Not that November was ever all that mild here in the highlands, but the biting gusts of wind felt more like deep winter than late fall. Neither of them said anything for a minute then Sirius pushed off the wall and took a few steps into the courtyard. He squinted up, trying to find a hint of the sun through the caul of the overcast sky.
"I'm expected home for the hols."
"Oh. I thought you were staying here." Remus knew that given the choice Sirius would have spent Christmas with the Potters, but his parents had forbidden that. Sirius had said anything was better than being forced home for the holidays, even if he was the only Gryffindor staying over.
"I was," Sirius said bitterly. "But I got a letter from dear old mum the other day. They're insisting I go home so they can make proper arrangements for my future." His mouth twisted up in a sneer. "Apparently they think I'll bollocks it up beyond repair if they don't take charge now."
"I thought they felt you already had ever since you got sorted into Gryffindor."
A grudging laughed slipped past his lips, and he turned and looked at Remus. "They did, but things are different now."
"How?"
"Well, I'm almost of age now, aren't I?"
"And?"
"Don't be thick, Remus." Sirius scowled and looked away again. "They want to go over prospects. Solidify an alliance with another noble and most ancient family." He sneered. "Particularly one who's values are in line with that nasty business we only hear rumors about at Hogwarts."
Remus' eyes went wide. "They want..." Sympathy welled up in him as well as a sharp flare of denial that he had no right to feel, and that he tried rather futilely to stamp down. "Fuck."
Sirius shot him a grin, then, always enjoying the sound of a curse from Remus' mouth.
"Language, Mr. Moony."
Remus ignored this.
"But you...you not going to..." Remus didn't know how to finish the sentence.
"Pledge my troth?" Sirius said sarcastically. "Not if I can bloody help it."
"Does James know?" The question slipped out before Remus could contain it. Of course James knew. He always knew everything about Sirius.
"Yeah."
"What did he say?"
"He said I should tell them to sod off and come and live with him and his parents."
Remus absorbed that for a moment, letting the twist of jealousy subside as he thought about Sirius trapped in the home he hated with people who would never understand or accept him.
"Why don't you?"
"Oh, Moony." Sirius gave him a playful swipe to his chin. "You're so naive. It's not that simple."
"I'm not naive." He batted Sirius' hand away. "And I don't see why it's not."
"For one thing, I don't want to cause trouble for the Potters. You think my parents would just sit back and let me get away with that? Not bloody likely. I'm the heir whether they like it or not."
"What will you do then?" A line furrowed between Remus' brows. "They can't force you into anything can they?"
"Not legally, no. And I'm not of age yet, so for now it's all just intentions and such, but that doesn't mean they can't make my life even more unpleasant than they usually do. You've no idea what they're like."
Remus had some idea, actually, but Sirius didn't open up completely to anyone about his family. However, Remus knew enough to know that they'd go to questionable lengths to coerce Sirius into doing what they wanted. How Sirius would manage it was the unknown quantity in the equation.
"It won't be long before you're seventeen. What happens then?"
"I don't know." Sirius looked grim. "But I won't let them force me into any farce of a pureblood alliance." He smirked then, stepping back under the arch with Remus. "Perpetuating the Black bloodline is not high on my list of priorities. I'll leave that to Regulus if he's so inclined."
Now the conversation was skirting an area everyone had always tacitly avoided. Remus snorted and shoved his icy hands into the voluminous sleeves of his cloak. It was strange to have the unusually forthright comment hovering between them, so Remus made a joke to diffuse his unease.
"Good thing for you, too. Aren't all your first cousins taken already?"
"Ouch. Low blow, Moony." Sirius laughed and slung an arm around Remus' neck, reaching up to scrub his knuckles against his head with his other hand.
"Geroff!"
The boys tussled a moment before falling into step and heading back inside the castle.
Two.
The rest of November passed fairly uneventfully, though Sirius cycled through mood changes a bit more erratically than usual. He received another letter from home, and that sent him into a black sulk that had everyone walking on eggshells around him. Since he never volunteered information about the contents, Remus didn't bring up the conversation they'd had, but he did his best in subtle ways to improve Sirius' mood, like being the one to instigate a bit of late night mischief or sharing scandalous tidbits of gossip he'd been saving up for just such an occasion. Sirius would brighten for a while and give Remus one of his heart-stopping smiles that Remus would store carefully away in his memories.
Things between Sirius and James seemed to be growing more erratic, too. On the one hand, they were less circumspect around Remus and Peter. Well, he wasn't sure about Peter, but for Remus walking in on charged situations became a more common occurrence. James and Sirius seemed to take his acceptance for granted, and they hardly bothered to pull away from each other whenever he stumbled across them. One evening, eyes sore from revising his Arithmancy notes in the common room for too many hours, Remus headed back to the room so intent on a shower that he'd pulled off his shirt and dropped his trousers before he realized he wasn't alone.
It was the wet slurping sound of their mouths pulling away from each other that alerted him. They were on Sirius' bed, dressed thankfully, but tangled together in a lazy sprawl. Both of them looked over at Remus, taking in his state of undress. As one, they curved their mouths into wicked grins.
"Going to join us then, Moony?"
The light glinted off the lens of James' glasses, giving him even more of a devilish gleam.
"Ha. No..." Remus thanked any gods above that he'd kept his pants on, at least. He turned and fumbled for his pajamas and cursed his lack of eloquence in the moment. "Er...shower. Sorry."
He could feel the blush spreading over his face and down his neck. James and Sirius laughed and his skin burned hotter.
"Sure? Plenty of room."
Sirius' come hither look and voice, even in jest, was enough to send Remus fleeing toward the loo clutching his pajamas in front of him.
Remus managed to toss what he thought was an amused grin over his shoulder. "Peter should be up in a few minutes, you can ask him." With that he shut and locked the door on Sirius' snort and James' laughter. His shower consisted mainly of a very urgent and hurried wank, where he tried valiantly not to picture himself insinuated between them.
Then, there was the other hand. Sirius was taking every attempt by James to get into Lily's good books with increasingly ill grace. James had been trying since last year to no avail, and Sirius had always seemed more amused than bothered by it before. At this point, Remus wasn't sure what it all signified.
That Sirius was heavily invested in what was going on between him and James seemed certain, but what James was doing was less clear. Sometimes Remus wondered if the thing with Lily wasn't just another challenge for him, something that he couldn't walk away from until he conquered her reserve. Not that Lily wasn't a spectacular girl. She was. But...the way James sometimes looked at Sirius spoke of more than just a friendly bit of experimentation between mates.
Remus had to hate himself sometimes for wishing Lily would give in, especially each time James would put on a show for Lily, and Sirius would draw into himself and disappear for hours sometimes, coming back to the dorm reeking of firewhiskey, but crawling between James' curtains every time and waking in the morning like nothing had happened. The closer the Christmas holidays came, the worse it got.
Everyone was on edge by the time the full moon rolled around again, and Remus was glad for once that it would give them all a chance to work off the tension that had been building over the past several weeks.
"What time is moonrise tonight?"
"6:23."
James nodded. "Right. So you're headed down now?"
"Pomfrey will make me eat something before I go, so yeah." Remus made a face. "I'm going to the infirmary."
"We'll see you soon, then."
"It's so early tonight. You should eat dinner before you come, too."
"Stop being such a git." James shook his head as he placed a hand on Remus' back and propelled him toward the door. "Can you imagine Sirius if I told him, oh by the way, we're going to let Moony rip himself to shreds so we can all put away a nice hot serving of shepherd's pie."
"I don't like shepherd's pie anyway." Peter grinned. "'S why I made a kitchen run for provisions earlier."
"See there? Pete's got it covered. We'll feed our faces right now and be there right on time to tame your furry little beast."
"Where is Sirius anyway?"
"Dunno." James frowned. "Don't worry, though. He'll turn up before too long."
"I'm not worried. Just asking."
"Go on then," James directed. "Or are you waiting for a goodbye kiss?"
"Wankers," Remus muttered as he tromped down the stairs to the sound of their snickering.
Despite James' assurances, Remus was crouched in the shack naked and shivering, his nerves already twitching under his skin as the pull of the moon began to reshape his mind and body, before he heard the sounds of his friends. There was only a split second of coherence as he saw two dark-haired shapes appear at the door. His mind was screaming for them to change, and then he was lunging forward and a red light filled his vision.
He woke in the infirmary, which was the first unusual thing. Ever since James and Sirius and Peter had joined him during the moon, he'd woken in the morning in the shack first, always to his friends' concerned faces. Now, though, the room was dark and still, and only the sconces along the wall threw any light across his bed. The second unusual thing was the amount of pain he was in. He hadn't felt this banged up since before either.
His mouth was so dry he could barely think of anything else, and his eyes fell on the pitcher and glass on the bedside table. He started to reach for it but fell back against his pillow with a pained gasp. "Madame Pomfrey?" His voice was so hoarse and low it was barely audible, and his throat felt like he had swallowed glass. He wondered if he had somehow contracted some sort of flu that manifested quickly.
"Remus?" Madame Pomfrey emerged from her office and crossed swiftly to Remus. "I thought I heard you, dear." Without being asked, she poured a glass of water and held it to his lips, helping him hold his head up as he sipped. She didn't miss his wince as he swallowed and settled back on the bed.
"You'll need to drink this, as well, Remus," she said gently, taking a small bottle from the table and uncorking it. "You had a rough change. This will help with the pain and you need to sleep again."
"What time is it?" Remus frowned. "How long have I been asleep already?"
"You've been asleep all day. It's quite late." She lifted his head again and pressed the bottle into his hand. "Drink this, dear. All of it, if you please."
He drank and her face swam before him, kind and concerned and full of something like pity.
"Did something happen?" he slurred. "Where are..."
"Shh...a good rest is what you need now."
The last thing Remus remembered was the feel of her fingers stroking his hair away from his forehead.
When he woke for the second time, Remus could feel the sunshine through his eyelids. He smiled at the sound of shuffling feet and hushed whispers.
"Pomfrey will have your heads if she finds out you've woken me up." Remus' voice was still hoarse and deep, but his throat wasn't quite as raw. He opened his eyes to see James' face hovering over his.
"Ha, she told us to wake you, lazy git." James grinned down at him, but there was something slightly off about it.
"What time is it?" He yawned, not bothering to cover his mouth.
"It's after eleven. How are you feeling?"
"Like I went several rounds with an Hungarian Horntail, actually. What did we get up to last night?
James pulled back, casting a quick look over his shoulder. Remus could see Peter behind him, fidgeting he stared at Remus with wide-eyed concern. There was no sign of Sirius.
"James?" Remus questioned, raising his eyebrows as he turned back to look at him. A vague dread was pooling in Remus' stomach. The expression on James' face looked so out of place, uncertain and apprehensive, that Remus felt the beginnings of panic flutter in his chest.
"Did something happen?"
James licked his lips and looked over his shoulder again at Peter, who had gone quite pale and looked on the verge of being ill.
"James? Did I...did I hurt someone?" Remus felt the blood drain out of his face, and he looked from James to Peter with mounting horror. "Oh God, did I...did I hurt Sirius?"
"No!' James shook his head and grabbed Remus' hand. "You didn't. You didn't hurt anyone. I swear."
"What? What then?" Remus rasped, desperate to know what was going on. He started coughing and had to accept the water James handed him before he could get another word out.
"Please, James, tell me what I did."
"You didn't do anything." James took a deep breath and looked him in the eye. "It's just...Snape found out about you. He...followed you through the Willow and...and he saw you transform. You didn't hurt him," James said quickly. "He got out in time. Nobody was hurt."
"Except for Remus," Peter said so softly the words were barely heard, but James flinched anyway.
Remus' mouth gaped open. "What...how? He saw me go in?"
"Not exactly," James eyes flicked to the side for a moment, and then he dropped his chin down and sighed. "Sirius told him how to get past the Whomping Willow."
"Sirius."
"He didn't mean it," James continued in a rush, as if he thought Remus was capable of getting out of bed and rushing out of the room before he had a chance to explain. As if there could be an explanation that made any sort of sense.
An overwhelming numbness spread through him as Remus listened in silence, while James talked of Sirius coming to him and chasing after Snape and sending Peter to Dumbledore and finding them waiting at the end of the tunnel when they emerged.
"I saw you," he finally whispered when James' words had run down. "I thought it was you and Sirius, but it must have been you and Snape. I saw, and I wondered why you hadn't changed yet, and I was worried and then..."
James blanched. "I had to stun you. I'm sorry, Remus. I put everything I had into it, and then it was just enough to get the door closed and warded. And thank Merlin you taught us that one ward because it held long enough to get out the trapdoor and lock it and get its wards back up, and just in case I ran all the way back through the tunnel, shoving Snape in front of me the whole way."
Remus didn't say anything. He felt like he never wanted to say anything ever again, so he shifted his gaze to one of the windows and stared at the slice of blue sky he could see. It looked like a beautiful day outside. He had to choke down a giggle at the inanity of the thought. He must have made some sort of sound, though, because James put his hand on Remus' shoulder and squeezed, a bit too hard if it was meant to be comforting. Remus was sure he didn't realize.
"Remus?" James sounded shaky, his voice mimicking his faltering expression.
"Did Professor Dumbledore tell you when I would be leaving?"
"What?" James asked, sounding shocked.
"He'll have to expel me. You know that."
Everything felt muted, so very distant, even his reaction to the inevitable outcome, and Remus was able to look at James calmly.
"No. No! Remus, it's not...he's not going to do that. Snape, he--he promised not to tell."
"Why would he do that?"
"I don't know, but Dumbledore said so. He did something or..."
"I'm not expelled, then?"
"No! Remus, listen..."
"Thank you, James." Remus looked up at James solemnly. Even though he couldn't really feel anything at the moment, he knew that he owed James more than he could ever repay him. "For not letting me..." The words caught in his throat, and finally a bit of emotion seeped through his shock. His hands clenched in the blanket covering him, and he blindly stared out the window again.
"Moony," James whispered, squeezing his eyes shut as if they pained him. "Don't thank me."
Remus flinched at the nickname. It was too innocuous, too endearing, too cute for what he really was.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I put you in danger. All of you, and I don't think--"
"Stop it," James said fiercely. "Just stop, Remus. Don't even say it or think for one second that we're going to stop doing this with you. This had nothing to do with you. It wasn't your fault."
Remus laughed, a horrible raw sound without humor.
"It's everything to do with me. And you know the last thing I ever want is to hurt anyone, especially any of you..."
"Exactly," James cut in. "You wouldn't, and you won't, and I won't hear another word about it." It was only the wavering in James' voice, and the way his breath hitched in his chest, that made Remus give up the point for the moment. The numbness was taking over again, and all Remus wanted right then was to be left alone.
"I think I'd better rest now, if you don't mind," Remus finally whispered, curling up on his side and squeezing his eyes shut. He ignored the questions that wanted to beat their way out of his chest and mouth because Sirius wasn't there to answer them, and even if he was Remus knew there were no satisfactory answers to be found.
Three.
The common room was still relatively empty. Most people were either still at dinner or amusing themselves elsewhere before curfew, so Remus only caught a few curious glances as he passed through to the stairway. He paused at the landing, steeling himself to enter the room. No sounds could be heard through the door, and he was hoping that everyone would be still be in the Great Hall. His meeting with Dumbledore had wrung him out, and the thought of facing any of them right now, especially Sirius, seemed almost too much to bear.
He pushed open the door slowly, and his stomach plummeted as he saw James and Sirius and Peter. They were each on their own bed. Peter was holding a magazine, while James and Sirius were both lying on their back and staring up at the ceiling. When they heard the door click shut they sat up quickly.
"All right, Remus?" Peter asked, nervously rolling his magazine into a tight ball.
"Remus," Sirius interrupted. He slid off his bed and took a few steps toward him, his eyes locked on Remus' face. "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I didn't--I wasn't--" The stuttering was so unlike Sirius that Remus was able to stare at him with a detached fascination.
"I wasn't thinking, and I never meant--I never meant for you to get hurt. I didn't think he would listen to me, and I just--I got so angry, like I do." Like James had done, Sirius was almost tripping over his own words to get them out in one breathless rush. "He was always sniffing around and saying things and I--I--fuck, I'm so sorry, Remus."
Standing there in between their beds, Sirius looked vulnerable and anguished. His hands were twisting the hem of his shirt, which was hanging untucked from his trousers. He was the very picture of regretful sorrow, and Remus wondered distantly, uncharitably, if he had practiced in the mirror.
Not that Sirius had ever needed to work at making Remus forgive him anything. He'd always borne the brunt of his moods and scathing words with calm understanding. Sirius lashed out, and that was just the way he was. Everyone knew it.
Even this, this bone deep betrayal that drove home to Remus several hard truths, couldn't make Remus reject Sirius. He couldn't even get the words out to express whatever he was feeling now, not even in his own mind. The only thing he could distinguish was the cold knowledge that nothing would ever be the same.
"Remus," Sirius' voice cracked. "Please. Please say something. Tell me you don't--don't hate me."
With a start, Remus blinked slowly. He had been staring, been silent for too long. He parted his lips, not knowing why it felt he hadn't spoken in a year, why it was so hard to form words.
"I don't. I don't hate you." Remus spoke quietly in his still rough voice, shifting his gaze down to the floor somewhere at a point between them. "I know you didn't mean it. They told me. Dumbledore. James." His chest tightened unbearably as he forced the words out. "No one got hurt. It's...it's all right."
"It isn't all right," Sirius said fiercely. "I fucked up so much. I promised, and I--"
Remus shook his head. "It is. It's all right. And...and we don't have to talk about it again."
"At least...please, Remus...let me explain."
At this Remus raised his eyes, and something of what he was feeling must have shone in his face because Sirius visibly flinched, his chest hitching sharply. Did Sirius really think he could offer an explanation that would ease anything? But he listened as Sirius' halting words spoke of Snape, of Regulus and his family, and of Snape's insinuations about Sirius--about James. Of course.
For a moment he met James' eyes. They flickered with something like guilt, and Remus went back to looking at the floor again. Sirius was still talking, regurgitating Snape's vile words and the way he had finally thrown out the taunts about Remus and where he went every month.
"And it just spilled out, Remus." Sirius finished. "I just--I told him before I knew it because I thought--I thought--"
Remus closed his eyes for a moment, then turned and walked to his bed.
"I understand," he said, his back to them. "It's done."
"Remus."
"It's done. All right, Sirius?"
He took the sound Sirius made as confirmation and climbed into his bed, pulling the curtains shut around him. A whispered spell wrapped him in silence, and he curled up in ball and finally let himself cry.
The next morning he rose with the others as if the past few days had never happened. Doing his best to ignore the awkwardness between them all, Remus forced himself through familiar patterns and speech. He asked Sirius to pass the marmalade at breakfast, and he smiled or rolled his eyes at the few jokes anyone ventured to make.
Sirius was uncharacteristically silent, and he kept shooting glances at him all day whenever he thought Remus wasn't looking. At lunch time, Remus saw him straighten up abruptly out of the corner of his eye. Remus looked at him, and Sirius was frowning.
"Where's your badge, Remus?"
Remus shrugged. "I turned it back in to Dumbledore."
James and Peter broke off their conversation to stare at him.
"I can't believe he--"
"It was my choice." Remus' tone said plainly that he didn't want to pursue this line of conversation, but Sirius couldn't let it go.
"What? Why?" Sirius frowned deeply.
"I was a shite prefect anyway, you all know that better than anyone."
"No you weren't!"
"Moony, you weren't," James broke in. I know you went easy on us sometimes--okay often--but you're really good with everyone else, especially the younger kids. They all really like you."
They all recognized the stubborn thrust of Remus' jaw as he fastidiously cut a slice of sausage. He avoided looking at Sirius, who was staring at him with wide, guilty eyes, and forked the meat into his mouth, chewing methodically.
"You did rein us in as well, sometimes." James was still trying to get through to him.
With an impatient sigh, Remus laid his silverware across his plate. "It's nothing to do with you. The fact that I couldn't control you lot is just a secondary thing."
"Then what is it?"
"You know what it is." Remus whispered it fiercely, finally losing some of his composure. "It's a joke that I was made prefect in the first place. It was a mistake from the beginning. I shouldn't...shouldn't be put in a position of responsibility like that, not when I could..."
"Could what?" Sirius whispered back just as furiously. "Hurt someone? You know that's not going to happen. I...I know this is my fault, but it won't ever happen again what I did. I promise, Remus. You can't...you can't just quit." Sirius looked quite anguished, and he gripped Remus by the arm. "You love being a prefect. I know you do, despite all your complaints."
Remus made an effort calm himself, visibly tamping down his emotions and drawing himself up. "It's done," he said simply. "It's done, and that's that. Please just leave it, Sirius. All right?"
Nobody said anything for a moment, then Sirius gave a grudging nod and let go of Remus' arm. Some of the tension drained out of out Remus, and he made an effort to smile. "At least you won't have to sneak around me anymore when you're planning something particularly illegal."
"Good point, Moony," James said briskly, doing his best to gloss over the awkwardness. "We shall have to take advantage of that post-haste."
Sirius stood up abruptly. "I'm going for a smoke. Come on, Remus."
Remus hesitated for a moment, then he stood up slowly.
"Disgusting habit." James made a face at Sirius. "You only do it because you think it makes you look cool."
"Why does Remus do it, then?" Peter put in.
"Oh, Remus. He has an addictive personality." James grinned. "Finds something he likes and can't get enough of it."
"Coming, Peter?" Remus asked, pointedly ignoring James' comment.
"Uh, no thanks." His eyes flicked over to James. "Think I'll have seconds."
Sirius rolled his eyes, grabbing Remus' arm to tug him away from the table. "Ta, lads. See you in class."
"Where are we going?" Remus asked when Sirius kept going past their usual spot.
"Greenhouses. I just want to get away from the crowd."
Remus looked over his shoulder at the empty courtyard and shrugged. Sirius obviously had an agenda, probably to convince him to reconsider his decision, but he hoped he would just drop things for once. When they'd finally rounded the corner of the far greenhouse and slid down to the grass to back against the glass walls, Sirius only pulled out his pack and shook a couple of fags.
They smoked in silence, and Remus felt his muscles loosen as the nicotine hit his system. James was right, he was way too addicted to these things. Idly, he flicked ash into the air and decided he really didn't care.
"Did you know Wormtail is taking MacDonald to the Astronomy Tower this weekend?"
The sudden comment made Remus arch an eyebrow. "Yeah?"
"Yeah." Sirius smirked. "Think he'll finally get a leg over?"
"Charming, Padfoot."
Sirius laughed. "Everyone but you thinks I am."
"And I've just said you are as well, didn't I?" Remus tossed his fringe out of his eyes to give him a sardonic look.
"But you're just being a sarcastic git." With a dramatic sigh, Sirius pressed his hand against his heart. "You wound me deeply."
"Your ego is imperturbable."
"Good thing, too, having such a cold-hearted friend as you."
Remus shook his head, smiling bemusedly. "Someone hit you with a babbling hex?"
"Just making conversation, Moony."
"Ah, well, perhaps we'd better save this fascinating topic for later. We'll be late for class if we don't start heading back."
Remus started to push up when Sirius grabbed his wrist.
"Wait a moment."
"What?"
The expression on Sirius' face was indecipherable, and Remus frowned a little waiting for Sirius to say something.
"What is it, Sirius?"
"I just..." Sirius hesitated, darting his tongue out to lick his lips and staring at Remus with an intense gaze. "I think we should try something."
The frown lines between Remus' eyes deepened. He looked back at Sirius in confusion. "Try what?"
For an answer, Sirius leaned in and pressed his mouth against Remus'. Remus froze, neither moving away nor responding until Sirius pulled back. He looked chagrined. "I...I'm sorry, Remus. I thought you might like blokes."
Remus just stared for a moment. "That...doesn't explain why you kissed me," he finally said in shell-shocked tones.
Sirius had the good grace to flush. "Well, it's no secret I fancy blokes and I thought if you did as well..."
"That it would be a good idea to snog behind the greenhouse?" Remus asked incredulously.
"I thought--" Sirius seemed to be doing his level best to affect an air of nonchalant interest. "Well, do you?"
"Do I what?"
"Fancy blokes."
Remus didn't say anything. The sound of Hagrid's voice boomed in the distance, and the barking of his huge dog also carried through the air toward them. Finally, Remus gave an abrupt nod and dropped his gaze to his knees.
"Knew it," Sirius crowed, and Remus shot him a dirty look.
"Yes, well, now that's covered can we go now?" Remus' discomfort was turning his cheeks pink, and Sirius was still holding on to his wrist. Confusion over Sirius' actions made his voice a bit acerbic.
"No. I want to kiss you again."
Remus looked up astonishment. "I don't think--"
Sirius let go of Remus' wrist to cup the back of his neck and pull him in for another kiss. He had barely slipped his tongue into Remus' mouth when Remus pulled back with a gasp.
"What are you doing? This is..."
"Something you want, isn't it?" Sirius leaned in to murmur against his ear. "Let me give you this, Moony." He began kissing his way down Remus' throat.
"Oh, God. You--I don't fucking believe you!"
Sirius frowned. "What's wrong?"
"What's wrong? Christ, Sirius, are you doing this to make it up to me? The whole thing with Snape? You are, aren't you? Fucking hell, Sirius."
Remus jerked away and stumbled to his feet. Sirius sprang up also holding out a hand in supplication.
"Wait, Remus. It's not like that."
"The hell it isn't," Remus said with a bitter twist to his words. "You think I'd want that? You think I'd really want you pimping yourself out to me because you feel guilty."
"No! It's not--"
"Do you ever think? And what about James? I'm sure he'd be utterly pleased with this ridiculous plan of yours."
Sirius flinched a little, and Remus could feel his own hands shaking. "Just...don't do this again."
Four.
"Would you talk to Lily for me?"
"What do you want me to say?"
"Just feel her out a bit, See if she's warmed up to me at all. Put in a good word."
Remus frowned.
"You don't fancy Lily, do you?"
"No! Of course not. It's just..."
"Just what, Remus? I'm not asking you to convince her to go out with me, just to soften her up a bit. I know you're close, She talks to you. Respects your opinion."
"It's not that I don't want to James. It isn't any of my business, I know, but...Sirius."
At that, James shifted uncomfortably.
"It's not--it's not like that with us."
Remus merely raised his eyebrow, and James flushed.
"I mean," he clarified, "he and I, we had a thing, yeah, but it was always...we always knew it wasn't something permanent. We'll always be close, best mates. Brothers, even."
"Do you even realize how utterly twisted that makes you sound?" Remus couldn't resist saying. "That's purebloods for you."
"Wanker." James gave a sheepish laugh and shoved Remus lightly.
"But he knows I want Lily. I have for yonks, and now, well, I think I might finally have a chance with her."
"James..." Remus really doesn't know how to say it, or even if he should, but Sirius deserved this much at least. "Sirius is...do you really think he'll be okay with this? Are you sure this is what you want?"
James has seen how Sirius looked at him, how he reacted when James tried to get closer to Lily. He couldn't be oblivious to the fact the Sirius was in love with him, even if those kinds of words had never been uttered.
"He..." But Remus couldn't bring himself to say the words aloud either.
"I know." James looked down and seemed to be struggling to find his own words. "But that will pass. Sirius--he only thinks I'm what he needs because his family is so fucked up, and we're so close and always together, especially since he ran away last Christmas, and..." He swallowed and nodded decisively, as if to convince himself as he looked up at Remus. "He'll get over it. I know he will. Move on and...it will be better for everyone."
If Remus doubted the certainty of James' declaration, he didn't indicate it. He just stared searchingly at James for a long moment, and then bowed his head in acquiescence.
"If that's what you want, James. I'll speak to her. Though, I'm not sure she'll count my opinion in the matter."
James' warm thanks and the strong grip on his shoulder did nothing to assuage Remus' tangled emotions.
Sirius came to him the next day while Remus was revising in the library and slid into the chair next to him.
"Busy?"
Remus slid his book away willingly enough and smiled.
"Could do with a break."
"Brilliant. Fancy a walk?"
Remus looked away from Sirius' smile and gathered his parchments into neat layers.
"Let's go."
They walked shoulder to shoulder in silence until they were out of the castle and ambling rather aimlessly in the general direction of the lake.
"James told me what he asked you."
"Oh." Remus was startled, and he almost tripped over a large stone as he turned his head to look at Sirius.
"Watch it." Sirius steadied him with a firm grip on his arm.
"Thanks." Remus looked at the rock, then carefully stepped around it, unsure of what to say.
"It's all right, you know." Sirius fell into step beside him again. "I mean, we all know he's been after her for ages."
"Yes," Remus said hesitantly.
"He told me you were a bit protective. Looking out for me and all."
Remus could feel Sirius' eyes on him, and he flushed, turning to look at the lake lapping against the nearest bank.
"Oh. Well..."
"Thank you."
A warm hand fell on his shoulder and Remus looked at Sirius in surprise.
"You're a good friend, Moony."
His chest went tight, and Remus struggled to keep his breathing even and normal.
"You've been a good friend to me, as well."
"Not always." Sirius murmured, a hint of regret shading his features. "I'm an arse, really."
"'S why I like you." Remus let his lips twitch up at the corners. "So I can feel morally superior."
Sirius laughed, and his whole face lit up with it. The tightness in Remus' chest doubled.
"You are a much better man than I am," Sirius acknowledged. Finally, he let his hand drop but didn't look away from Remus.
"Remus." Sirius chewed his lip a moment before continuing. "I really am so sorry for what I did before."
Remus wanted to drag himself away from the charged moment. The air felt thick and heavy, but he couldn't look away
"Sirius, I know. Please don't apologize again. We've put all that behind us, haven't we?"
Sirius looked shamed and regretful again, and he took a step closer to Remus. His grey eyes were wide and sincere, and Remus had to stop himself from stumbling back to put the distance back between them.
"Yeah, I know. I know. I'm sorry."
It was stupid that his pulse was beating so hard Remus could feel it in his chest and throat and even the undersides of his wrists. He had to do something to break the tension between them.
"You're sorry you're sorry?"
Sirius gave him a lopsided grin.
"Yeah, sorry about that."
"Idiot." Remus shoved him playfully and took off at a sprint. "Race you back to the castle!"
At least now he would have a proper excuse for his pounding heart.
Read Part 2…
Title: Your Heart on the Line
Prompt: #037 Submitted by: deathjunke
Pairing: Remus/Sirius, Sirius/James
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: drinking, adult language, explicit sexual encounters, cheating
Word Count: Part I: 8314, Total: 17,071
Summary: Things aren't always simple, but they're always there for each other.
Notes: Title from Little Lion Man by Mumford and Sons
Your Heart on the Line
One.
"Oh, hello, Moony."
James sat up on the bed and ran his hand through the back of his hair, smiling as Remus shut the door behind him and moved to kneel in front of his trunk. Sirius was sprawled lengthwise across the middle of the bed, propped up on one elbow. He smirked as Remus looked up from the bag he was unloading.
"I'll be out of here in a moment." Remus really didn't want to return to the library or even go down to the common room. Full was in two days and he was tired and achy and just wanted to curl up on his bed and stop thinking for a while. He wasn't oblivious like Peter sometimes was, though, and he could tell James and Sirius had thought he'd be wrapped up in the library with his Ancient Runes project a lot longer this evening. Without focusing, he stared into his trunk and grabbed the first book his fingers touched.
"Found it." He forced a smile to his face and stood. "See you in a bit."
"You don't have to go."
James was looking at him, his brow creasing a little as he took in Remus' pallor and the circles under his eyes. The hand Remus had curled around the spine of the book gripped a little tighter. He hated the weakness each cycle brought.
"You should rest."
"Thanks, mum," Remus murmured, letting one side of his mouth just twist up.
Sirius, who had remained silent so far, gave a snort of laughter and pushed up off the bed. James grinned and waggled a finger at Remus.
"Someone's got to look after you, young man. You're a growing boy and all."
"How much more do you want him to grow?" Sirius asked. "He's had to buy new shoes once already this term."
"Yes, I know. Our ickle Moony has finally become a strapping young lad." James wiped away a pretend tear.
"Shut it," Remus said sedately. "Anyway, you know what they say about big feet."
"Why, Moony!" Sirius adopted tones of shock. "Are you bragging about the size of your prick? Whatever is the world coming to?"
"It's not bragging if it's true."
James and Sirius laughed.
"He's got you there, Padfoot."
"So he says. Seeing is believing."
"Just what are you suggesting, Mr. Black?" Remus infused his tone with breathless dismay.
"Drop trou and prove it, Mr Lupin."
"I'm not that kind of a boy, I'm afraid. You'll have to get your jollies elsewhere."
He could have bitten his tongue. James and Sirius exchanged smirks.
"Well, yes, I suppose we had better be off and leave our blushing little virgin to his book and bed."
Remus rolled his eyes but dropped resignedly onto his bed. At least he wouldn't have to bide his time in the common room. He threw an arm across his eyes and tried to remember that even before James and Sirius had started this--whatever it was--between them, Remus had sometimes felt like a third wheel in their presence.
Somehow that didn't make him feel any better. Still, he couldn't help wishing they would stay and keep him company, even while wanting at the same time for them just to go and take the awkward tension with them.
"Do you need anything?"
Remus moved his arm and saw Sirius standing over him. He was studying Remus carefully with a thoughtful expression of concern that many would have found out of place on his face. It made the blood in Remus' heart surge strongly for a beat.
"I'm fine, Padfoot, honestly." Remus smiled. "Just tired."
James appeared next Sirius, the invisibility cloak draped over his arm. "Sure you don't want to come out with us?"
The offer warmed Remus a little, even as his cynical inner voice noted that James had only asked because he was secure in knowing that Remus would decline. Maybe James did even mean it genuinely. The two of them did make an effort most of the time not to pair off on their own excessively, well not more often than they ever had. Not that Remus was about to intrude when he was sure they were hoping for some time together alone. The thought made him want to cringe into his pillow.
"Nah. I'll stay here with my book and Sirius' Honeydukes stash that he thinks no one knows about."
They laughed again and he shooed them away with a mocking little flutter of his fingers. The door closed on their laughter and Remus tried not to think about what they were off to do. He rolled over and tucked his face against his pillow. Just a little a nap and then he would get up and shower and maybe catch up on his Potions reading.
He didn't wake up until the next morning. Someone had taken off his shoes and drawn a blanket over him at some point in the night--Sirius probably. A flare of gratitude made him smile softly and regret his bout of envious brooding.
He heard stirrings across the room and he looked over to see James stick his tousled head out of his curtains and look around. When he saw Remus awake, he grinned.
"All right, Moony?"
"Morning, James." Remus yawned and stretched until his back popped then got up and padded to the bathroom to relieve his bladder and give Sirius time to get back to his own bed before Peter woke up. It wasn't as if it was a secret exactly that Sirius often slept in James' bed this year, but the forms had always been upheld.
He took his time brushing his teeth and hair and then headed back to his bed, stopping at his trunk to pull out his trousers and shirt and sweater. Sirius was sitting up in the middle of his bed nibbling on a chocolate frog, and James was heading into the loo for his daily hair ritual that took half an hour even though he always came out looking almost the same as when he went in.
"Nice breakfast." Remus smiled at him. "Don't you know chocolate is very bad for dogs? Though, given what Padfoot found and ate by the lake last week I suppose it won't hurt much."
"Woof!" Sirius grinned back. "Anyway, I'm hungry and you know how long Prongs takes to get ready."
Sirius always looked good effortlessly, even after rolling out of bed at the last possible moment.
"Indeed I do," Remus grimaced as he slipped out of yesterday's clothes and wished he had time for a shower. Once he was dressed in his fresh uniform, he picked up his Potions book and sighed. "Guess I'll read a chapter before breakfast then."
"You've forgotten your tie." Sirius gestured with the headless frog.
"Oh." Remus frowned, looking around his bed and crouching down to sort through his trunk again. "Have you seen it anywhere? I took it off yesterday and I thought it was here."
"I've an extra you can borrow." Sirius crawled to the end of his bed and grabbed it from his trunk.
"Ta."
He reached to take it but Sirius held on, smirking at their little tug of war. Remus raised an eyebrow which only made Sirius smile more widely.
"It does make a nice leash," Remus said dryly. "But I don't have time to take you for walkies before class."
"You'd better take him out before he piddles on the floor again." Peter's sleep-thick voice came from within his still shrouded bed.
"Sod off, Wormtail," Sirius called, letting go of the tie. "That was only the once."
"Tell that to my bedpost." Peter finally emerged and sat on the edge of his bed, rubbing the heels of his hands against his eyes.
Breakfast was a subdued affair. Peter was shoveling in sausages with one hand and propping his Potions text open with the other. Remus was only nibbling at the food on his plate. With the full moon being so close he felt slightly nauseous, though he knew he should force himself to finish if he wanted to keep any sort of strength after.
James called out a greeting to Lily as she passed them and Remus looked up in time to see Sirius scowl and stab at the eggs on his plate. James was oblivious. He kept looking down the table in between bites barely paying attention to the comments Sirius would throw out. Once he'd finished he pushed his plate away and murmured a quick excuse before rising and sauntering down the table to take a seat by Lily. Sirius' expression turned even blacker and his hands tightened around his silverware before he let them clatter to the table.
Remus dropped his eyes when Sirius looked up at him.
"You're going to finish that." Sirius' clipped tone made Remus lift his eyebrows in mild surprise. It wasn't a question. He looked up at Sirius again and shrugged.
"Not hungry."
"Eat it anyway."
The look on Sirius' face was purely thunderous on the surface. Underneath, though, Remus thought it was a little lost, so he simply forked another bite into his mouth and chewed slowly ignoring the slow roil of his stomach. Peter looked up from his text with mild sympathy.
"Rough morning?"
"I'm all right." Remus smiled wanly. "Sometimes it's a bit like feeling hungover, only without the fun of the evening before."
Sirius snorted and actually cracked a grin. "Maybe we should get you drunk, then, if you're going to suffer the consequences regardless."
"Oh God," Remus groaned. "Don't talk about alcohol now." His stomach churned again, and he carefully laid his knife and fork across his plate.
Sirius' eyes flicked down the table, and Remus followed his gaze. It was no surprise that Lily didn't look particularly pleased by James' attention. At least some of the tension seemed to go out of Sirius. When he looked back at Remus his smile seemed genuine.
"Want to go have a smoke before class?"
Remus pushed his plate away with relief. "Sure."
"Wormtail?"
"Can't." His eyes ticked back and forth over the page of his book.
Remus followed Sirius out onto the grounds, and they both leaned into the shelter of an overhanging arch as they puffed their fags into life. Sirius inhaled deeply, tilting his head back to blow a column of smoke into the crisp morning air. His cheeks hollowed with each drag and Remus watched him from underneath his too-long fringe.
His own actions were economical and efficient, jerky motions that accomplished his task rather than creating the grand theatrical gestures that Sirius could always pull off effectively without even trying. Remus sucked in a harsh breath and let the smoke fill his lungs before exhaling sharply.
Leaning up against the rough stone wall and looking out over the courtyard as the early morning fog burnt off was remarkably soothing, and they didn't speak until they were grinding the butts into the stone and flicking them into the air before vanishing them.
"Are you all right, Sirius?" Remus ventured.
"Of course." Sirius shoved his hands deep into his cloak but looked at Remus with an arrogant lift of his eyebrow. "Why wouldn't I be?"
Remus just shrugged wishing he still had something to do with his hands. Instead, he just rubbed them together and blew on his chilled fingers. "It's getting cold early this year."
Not that November was ever all that mild here in the highlands, but the biting gusts of wind felt more like deep winter than late fall. Neither of them said anything for a minute then Sirius pushed off the wall and took a few steps into the courtyard. He squinted up, trying to find a hint of the sun through the caul of the overcast sky.
"I'm expected home for the hols."
"Oh. I thought you were staying here." Remus knew that given the choice Sirius would have spent Christmas with the Potters, but his parents had forbidden that. Sirius had said anything was better than being forced home for the holidays, even if he was the only Gryffindor staying over.
"I was," Sirius said bitterly. "But I got a letter from dear old mum the other day. They're insisting I go home so they can make proper arrangements for my future." His mouth twisted up in a sneer. "Apparently they think I'll bollocks it up beyond repair if they don't take charge now."
"I thought they felt you already had ever since you got sorted into Gryffindor."
A grudging laughed slipped past his lips, and he turned and looked at Remus. "They did, but things are different now."
"How?"
"Well, I'm almost of age now, aren't I?"
"And?"
"Don't be thick, Remus." Sirius scowled and looked away again. "They want to go over prospects. Solidify an alliance with another noble and most ancient family." He sneered. "Particularly one who's values are in line with that nasty business we only hear rumors about at Hogwarts."
Remus' eyes went wide. "They want..." Sympathy welled up in him as well as a sharp flare of denial that he had no right to feel, and that he tried rather futilely to stamp down. "Fuck."
Sirius shot him a grin, then, always enjoying the sound of a curse from Remus' mouth.
"Language, Mr. Moony."
Remus ignored this.
"But you...you not going to..." Remus didn't know how to finish the sentence.
"Pledge my troth?" Sirius said sarcastically. "Not if I can bloody help it."
"Does James know?" The question slipped out before Remus could contain it. Of course James knew. He always knew everything about Sirius.
"Yeah."
"What did he say?"
"He said I should tell them to sod off and come and live with him and his parents."
Remus absorbed that for a moment, letting the twist of jealousy subside as he thought about Sirius trapped in the home he hated with people who would never understand or accept him.
"Why don't you?"
"Oh, Moony." Sirius gave him a playful swipe to his chin. "You're so naive. It's not that simple."
"I'm not naive." He batted Sirius' hand away. "And I don't see why it's not."
"For one thing, I don't want to cause trouble for the Potters. You think my parents would just sit back and let me get away with that? Not bloody likely. I'm the heir whether they like it or not."
"What will you do then?" A line furrowed between Remus' brows. "They can't force you into anything can they?"
"Not legally, no. And I'm not of age yet, so for now it's all just intentions and such, but that doesn't mean they can't make my life even more unpleasant than they usually do. You've no idea what they're like."
Remus had some idea, actually, but Sirius didn't open up completely to anyone about his family. However, Remus knew enough to know that they'd go to questionable lengths to coerce Sirius into doing what they wanted. How Sirius would manage it was the unknown quantity in the equation.
"It won't be long before you're seventeen. What happens then?"
"I don't know." Sirius looked grim. "But I won't let them force me into any farce of a pureblood alliance." He smirked then, stepping back under the arch with Remus. "Perpetuating the Black bloodline is not high on my list of priorities. I'll leave that to Regulus if he's so inclined."
Now the conversation was skirting an area everyone had always tacitly avoided. Remus snorted and shoved his icy hands into the voluminous sleeves of his cloak. It was strange to have the unusually forthright comment hovering between them, so Remus made a joke to diffuse his unease.
"Good thing for you, too. Aren't all your first cousins taken already?"
"Ouch. Low blow, Moony." Sirius laughed and slung an arm around Remus' neck, reaching up to scrub his knuckles against his head with his other hand.
"Geroff!"
The boys tussled a moment before falling into step and heading back inside the castle.
Two.
The rest of November passed fairly uneventfully, though Sirius cycled through mood changes a bit more erratically than usual. He received another letter from home, and that sent him into a black sulk that had everyone walking on eggshells around him. Since he never volunteered information about the contents, Remus didn't bring up the conversation they'd had, but he did his best in subtle ways to improve Sirius' mood, like being the one to instigate a bit of late night mischief or sharing scandalous tidbits of gossip he'd been saving up for just such an occasion. Sirius would brighten for a while and give Remus one of his heart-stopping smiles that Remus would store carefully away in his memories.
Things between Sirius and James seemed to be growing more erratic, too. On the one hand, they were less circumspect around Remus and Peter. Well, he wasn't sure about Peter, but for Remus walking in on charged situations became a more common occurrence. James and Sirius seemed to take his acceptance for granted, and they hardly bothered to pull away from each other whenever he stumbled across them. One evening, eyes sore from revising his Arithmancy notes in the common room for too many hours, Remus headed back to the room so intent on a shower that he'd pulled off his shirt and dropped his trousers before he realized he wasn't alone.
It was the wet slurping sound of their mouths pulling away from each other that alerted him. They were on Sirius' bed, dressed thankfully, but tangled together in a lazy sprawl. Both of them looked over at Remus, taking in his state of undress. As one, they curved their mouths into wicked grins.
"Going to join us then, Moony?"
The light glinted off the lens of James' glasses, giving him even more of a devilish gleam.
"Ha. No..." Remus thanked any gods above that he'd kept his pants on, at least. He turned and fumbled for his pajamas and cursed his lack of eloquence in the moment. "Er...shower. Sorry."
He could feel the blush spreading over his face and down his neck. James and Sirius laughed and his skin burned hotter.
"Sure? Plenty of room."
Sirius' come hither look and voice, even in jest, was enough to send Remus fleeing toward the loo clutching his pajamas in front of him.
Remus managed to toss what he thought was an amused grin over his shoulder. "Peter should be up in a few minutes, you can ask him." With that he shut and locked the door on Sirius' snort and James' laughter. His shower consisted mainly of a very urgent and hurried wank, where he tried valiantly not to picture himself insinuated between them.
Then, there was the other hand. Sirius was taking every attempt by James to get into Lily's good books with increasingly ill grace. James had been trying since last year to no avail, and Sirius had always seemed more amused than bothered by it before. At this point, Remus wasn't sure what it all signified.
That Sirius was heavily invested in what was going on between him and James seemed certain, but what James was doing was less clear. Sometimes Remus wondered if the thing with Lily wasn't just another challenge for him, something that he couldn't walk away from until he conquered her reserve. Not that Lily wasn't a spectacular girl. She was. But...the way James sometimes looked at Sirius spoke of more than just a friendly bit of experimentation between mates.
Remus had to hate himself sometimes for wishing Lily would give in, especially each time James would put on a show for Lily, and Sirius would draw into himself and disappear for hours sometimes, coming back to the dorm reeking of firewhiskey, but crawling between James' curtains every time and waking in the morning like nothing had happened. The closer the Christmas holidays came, the worse it got.
Everyone was on edge by the time the full moon rolled around again, and Remus was glad for once that it would give them all a chance to work off the tension that had been building over the past several weeks.
"What time is moonrise tonight?"
"6:23."
James nodded. "Right. So you're headed down now?"
"Pomfrey will make me eat something before I go, so yeah." Remus made a face. "I'm going to the infirmary."
"We'll see you soon, then."
"It's so early tonight. You should eat dinner before you come, too."
"Stop being such a git." James shook his head as he placed a hand on Remus' back and propelled him toward the door. "Can you imagine Sirius if I told him, oh by the way, we're going to let Moony rip himself to shreds so we can all put away a nice hot serving of shepherd's pie."
"I don't like shepherd's pie anyway." Peter grinned. "'S why I made a kitchen run for provisions earlier."
"See there? Pete's got it covered. We'll feed our faces right now and be there right on time to tame your furry little beast."
"Where is Sirius anyway?"
"Dunno." James frowned. "Don't worry, though. He'll turn up before too long."
"I'm not worried. Just asking."
"Go on then," James directed. "Or are you waiting for a goodbye kiss?"
"Wankers," Remus muttered as he tromped down the stairs to the sound of their snickering.
Despite James' assurances, Remus was crouched in the shack naked and shivering, his nerves already twitching under his skin as the pull of the moon began to reshape his mind and body, before he heard the sounds of his friends. There was only a split second of coherence as he saw two dark-haired shapes appear at the door. His mind was screaming for them to change, and then he was lunging forward and a red light filled his vision.
He woke in the infirmary, which was the first unusual thing. Ever since James and Sirius and Peter had joined him during the moon, he'd woken in the morning in the shack first, always to his friends' concerned faces. Now, though, the room was dark and still, and only the sconces along the wall threw any light across his bed. The second unusual thing was the amount of pain he was in. He hadn't felt this banged up since before either.
His mouth was so dry he could barely think of anything else, and his eyes fell on the pitcher and glass on the bedside table. He started to reach for it but fell back against his pillow with a pained gasp. "Madame Pomfrey?" His voice was so hoarse and low it was barely audible, and his throat felt like he had swallowed glass. He wondered if he had somehow contracted some sort of flu that manifested quickly.
"Remus?" Madame Pomfrey emerged from her office and crossed swiftly to Remus. "I thought I heard you, dear." Without being asked, she poured a glass of water and held it to his lips, helping him hold his head up as he sipped. She didn't miss his wince as he swallowed and settled back on the bed.
"You'll need to drink this, as well, Remus," she said gently, taking a small bottle from the table and uncorking it. "You had a rough change. This will help with the pain and you need to sleep again."
"What time is it?" Remus frowned. "How long have I been asleep already?"
"You've been asleep all day. It's quite late." She lifted his head again and pressed the bottle into his hand. "Drink this, dear. All of it, if you please."
He drank and her face swam before him, kind and concerned and full of something like pity.
"Did something happen?" he slurred. "Where are..."
"Shh...a good rest is what you need now."
The last thing Remus remembered was the feel of her fingers stroking his hair away from his forehead.
When he woke for the second time, Remus could feel the sunshine through his eyelids. He smiled at the sound of shuffling feet and hushed whispers.
"Pomfrey will have your heads if she finds out you've woken me up." Remus' voice was still hoarse and deep, but his throat wasn't quite as raw. He opened his eyes to see James' face hovering over his.
"Ha, she told us to wake you, lazy git." James grinned down at him, but there was something slightly off about it.
"What time is it?" He yawned, not bothering to cover his mouth.
"It's after eleven. How are you feeling?"
"Like I went several rounds with an Hungarian Horntail, actually. What did we get up to last night?
James pulled back, casting a quick look over his shoulder. Remus could see Peter behind him, fidgeting he stared at Remus with wide-eyed concern. There was no sign of Sirius.
"James?" Remus questioned, raising his eyebrows as he turned back to look at him. A vague dread was pooling in Remus' stomach. The expression on James' face looked so out of place, uncertain and apprehensive, that Remus felt the beginnings of panic flutter in his chest.
"Did something happen?"
James licked his lips and looked over his shoulder again at Peter, who had gone quite pale and looked on the verge of being ill.
"James? Did I...did I hurt someone?" Remus felt the blood drain out of his face, and he looked from James to Peter with mounting horror. "Oh God, did I...did I hurt Sirius?"
"No!' James shook his head and grabbed Remus' hand. "You didn't. You didn't hurt anyone. I swear."
"What? What then?" Remus rasped, desperate to know what was going on. He started coughing and had to accept the water James handed him before he could get another word out.
"Please, James, tell me what I did."
"You didn't do anything." James took a deep breath and looked him in the eye. "It's just...Snape found out about you. He...followed you through the Willow and...and he saw you transform. You didn't hurt him," James said quickly. "He got out in time. Nobody was hurt."
"Except for Remus," Peter said so softly the words were barely heard, but James flinched anyway.
Remus' mouth gaped open. "What...how? He saw me go in?"
"Not exactly," James eyes flicked to the side for a moment, and then he dropped his chin down and sighed. "Sirius told him how to get past the Whomping Willow."
"Sirius."
"He didn't mean it," James continued in a rush, as if he thought Remus was capable of getting out of bed and rushing out of the room before he had a chance to explain. As if there could be an explanation that made any sort of sense.
An overwhelming numbness spread through him as Remus listened in silence, while James talked of Sirius coming to him and chasing after Snape and sending Peter to Dumbledore and finding them waiting at the end of the tunnel when they emerged.
"I saw you," he finally whispered when James' words had run down. "I thought it was you and Sirius, but it must have been you and Snape. I saw, and I wondered why you hadn't changed yet, and I was worried and then..."
James blanched. "I had to stun you. I'm sorry, Remus. I put everything I had into it, and then it was just enough to get the door closed and warded. And thank Merlin you taught us that one ward because it held long enough to get out the trapdoor and lock it and get its wards back up, and just in case I ran all the way back through the tunnel, shoving Snape in front of me the whole way."
Remus didn't say anything. He felt like he never wanted to say anything ever again, so he shifted his gaze to one of the windows and stared at the slice of blue sky he could see. It looked like a beautiful day outside. He had to choke down a giggle at the inanity of the thought. He must have made some sort of sound, though, because James put his hand on Remus' shoulder and squeezed, a bit too hard if it was meant to be comforting. Remus was sure he didn't realize.
"Remus?" James sounded shaky, his voice mimicking his faltering expression.
"Did Professor Dumbledore tell you when I would be leaving?"
"What?" James asked, sounding shocked.
"He'll have to expel me. You know that."
Everything felt muted, so very distant, even his reaction to the inevitable outcome, and Remus was able to look at James calmly.
"No. No! Remus, it's not...he's not going to do that. Snape, he--he promised not to tell."
"Why would he do that?"
"I don't know, but Dumbledore said so. He did something or..."
"I'm not expelled, then?"
"No! Remus, listen..."
"Thank you, James." Remus looked up at James solemnly. Even though he couldn't really feel anything at the moment, he knew that he owed James more than he could ever repay him. "For not letting me..." The words caught in his throat, and finally a bit of emotion seeped through his shock. His hands clenched in the blanket covering him, and he blindly stared out the window again.
"Moony," James whispered, squeezing his eyes shut as if they pained him. "Don't thank me."
Remus flinched at the nickname. It was too innocuous, too endearing, too cute for what he really was.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I put you in danger. All of you, and I don't think--"
"Stop it," James said fiercely. "Just stop, Remus. Don't even say it or think for one second that we're going to stop doing this with you. This had nothing to do with you. It wasn't your fault."
Remus laughed, a horrible raw sound without humor.
"It's everything to do with me. And you know the last thing I ever want is to hurt anyone, especially any of you..."
"Exactly," James cut in. "You wouldn't, and you won't, and I won't hear another word about it." It was only the wavering in James' voice, and the way his breath hitched in his chest, that made Remus give up the point for the moment. The numbness was taking over again, and all Remus wanted right then was to be left alone.
"I think I'd better rest now, if you don't mind," Remus finally whispered, curling up on his side and squeezing his eyes shut. He ignored the questions that wanted to beat their way out of his chest and mouth because Sirius wasn't there to answer them, and even if he was Remus knew there were no satisfactory answers to be found.
Three.
The common room was still relatively empty. Most people were either still at dinner or amusing themselves elsewhere before curfew, so Remus only caught a few curious glances as he passed through to the stairway. He paused at the landing, steeling himself to enter the room. No sounds could be heard through the door, and he was hoping that everyone would be still be in the Great Hall. His meeting with Dumbledore had wrung him out, and the thought of facing any of them right now, especially Sirius, seemed almost too much to bear.
He pushed open the door slowly, and his stomach plummeted as he saw James and Sirius and Peter. They were each on their own bed. Peter was holding a magazine, while James and Sirius were both lying on their back and staring up at the ceiling. When they heard the door click shut they sat up quickly.
"All right, Remus?" Peter asked, nervously rolling his magazine into a tight ball.
"Remus," Sirius interrupted. He slid off his bed and took a few steps toward him, his eyes locked on Remus' face. "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I didn't--I wasn't--" The stuttering was so unlike Sirius that Remus was able to stare at him with a detached fascination.
"I wasn't thinking, and I never meant--I never meant for you to get hurt. I didn't think he would listen to me, and I just--I got so angry, like I do." Like James had done, Sirius was almost tripping over his own words to get them out in one breathless rush. "He was always sniffing around and saying things and I--I--fuck, I'm so sorry, Remus."
Standing there in between their beds, Sirius looked vulnerable and anguished. His hands were twisting the hem of his shirt, which was hanging untucked from his trousers. He was the very picture of regretful sorrow, and Remus wondered distantly, uncharitably, if he had practiced in the mirror.
Not that Sirius had ever needed to work at making Remus forgive him anything. He'd always borne the brunt of his moods and scathing words with calm understanding. Sirius lashed out, and that was just the way he was. Everyone knew it.
Even this, this bone deep betrayal that drove home to Remus several hard truths, couldn't make Remus reject Sirius. He couldn't even get the words out to express whatever he was feeling now, not even in his own mind. The only thing he could distinguish was the cold knowledge that nothing would ever be the same.
"Remus," Sirius' voice cracked. "Please. Please say something. Tell me you don't--don't hate me."
With a start, Remus blinked slowly. He had been staring, been silent for too long. He parted his lips, not knowing why it felt he hadn't spoken in a year, why it was so hard to form words.
"I don't. I don't hate you." Remus spoke quietly in his still rough voice, shifting his gaze down to the floor somewhere at a point between them. "I know you didn't mean it. They told me. Dumbledore. James." His chest tightened unbearably as he forced the words out. "No one got hurt. It's...it's all right."
"It isn't all right," Sirius said fiercely. "I fucked up so much. I promised, and I--"
Remus shook his head. "It is. It's all right. And...and we don't have to talk about it again."
"At least...please, Remus...let me explain."
At this Remus raised his eyes, and something of what he was feeling must have shone in his face because Sirius visibly flinched, his chest hitching sharply. Did Sirius really think he could offer an explanation that would ease anything? But he listened as Sirius' halting words spoke of Snape, of Regulus and his family, and of Snape's insinuations about Sirius--about James. Of course.
For a moment he met James' eyes. They flickered with something like guilt, and Remus went back to looking at the floor again. Sirius was still talking, regurgitating Snape's vile words and the way he had finally thrown out the taunts about Remus and where he went every month.
"And it just spilled out, Remus." Sirius finished. "I just--I told him before I knew it because I thought--I thought--"
Remus closed his eyes for a moment, then turned and walked to his bed.
"I understand," he said, his back to them. "It's done."
"Remus."
"It's done. All right, Sirius?"
He took the sound Sirius made as confirmation and climbed into his bed, pulling the curtains shut around him. A whispered spell wrapped him in silence, and he curled up in ball and finally let himself cry.
The next morning he rose with the others as if the past few days had never happened. Doing his best to ignore the awkwardness between them all, Remus forced himself through familiar patterns and speech. He asked Sirius to pass the marmalade at breakfast, and he smiled or rolled his eyes at the few jokes anyone ventured to make.
Sirius was uncharacteristically silent, and he kept shooting glances at him all day whenever he thought Remus wasn't looking. At lunch time, Remus saw him straighten up abruptly out of the corner of his eye. Remus looked at him, and Sirius was frowning.
"Where's your badge, Remus?"
Remus shrugged. "I turned it back in to Dumbledore."
James and Peter broke off their conversation to stare at him.
"I can't believe he--"
"It was my choice." Remus' tone said plainly that he didn't want to pursue this line of conversation, but Sirius couldn't let it go.
"What? Why?" Sirius frowned deeply.
"I was a shite prefect anyway, you all know that better than anyone."
"No you weren't!"
"Moony, you weren't," James broke in. I know you went easy on us sometimes--okay often--but you're really good with everyone else, especially the younger kids. They all really like you."
They all recognized the stubborn thrust of Remus' jaw as he fastidiously cut a slice of sausage. He avoided looking at Sirius, who was staring at him with wide, guilty eyes, and forked the meat into his mouth, chewing methodically.
"You did rein us in as well, sometimes." James was still trying to get through to him.
With an impatient sigh, Remus laid his silverware across his plate. "It's nothing to do with you. The fact that I couldn't control you lot is just a secondary thing."
"Then what is it?"
"You know what it is." Remus whispered it fiercely, finally losing some of his composure. "It's a joke that I was made prefect in the first place. It was a mistake from the beginning. I shouldn't...shouldn't be put in a position of responsibility like that, not when I could..."
"Could what?" Sirius whispered back just as furiously. "Hurt someone? You know that's not going to happen. I...I know this is my fault, but it won't ever happen again what I did. I promise, Remus. You can't...you can't just quit." Sirius looked quite anguished, and he gripped Remus by the arm. "You love being a prefect. I know you do, despite all your complaints."
Remus made an effort calm himself, visibly tamping down his emotions and drawing himself up. "It's done," he said simply. "It's done, and that's that. Please just leave it, Sirius. All right?"
Nobody said anything for a moment, then Sirius gave a grudging nod and let go of Remus' arm. Some of the tension drained out of out Remus, and he made an effort to smile. "At least you won't have to sneak around me anymore when you're planning something particularly illegal."
"Good point, Moony," James said briskly, doing his best to gloss over the awkwardness. "We shall have to take advantage of that post-haste."
Sirius stood up abruptly. "I'm going for a smoke. Come on, Remus."
Remus hesitated for a moment, then he stood up slowly.
"Disgusting habit." James made a face at Sirius. "You only do it because you think it makes you look cool."
"Why does Remus do it, then?" Peter put in.
"Oh, Remus. He has an addictive personality." James grinned. "Finds something he likes and can't get enough of it."
"Coming, Peter?" Remus asked, pointedly ignoring James' comment.
"Uh, no thanks." His eyes flicked over to James. "Think I'll have seconds."
Sirius rolled his eyes, grabbing Remus' arm to tug him away from the table. "Ta, lads. See you in class."
"Where are we going?" Remus asked when Sirius kept going past their usual spot.
"Greenhouses. I just want to get away from the crowd."
Remus looked over his shoulder at the empty courtyard and shrugged. Sirius obviously had an agenda, probably to convince him to reconsider his decision, but he hoped he would just drop things for once. When they'd finally rounded the corner of the far greenhouse and slid down to the grass to back against the glass walls, Sirius only pulled out his pack and shook a couple of fags.
They smoked in silence, and Remus felt his muscles loosen as the nicotine hit his system. James was right, he was way too addicted to these things. Idly, he flicked ash into the air and decided he really didn't care.
"Did you know Wormtail is taking MacDonald to the Astronomy Tower this weekend?"
The sudden comment made Remus arch an eyebrow. "Yeah?"
"Yeah." Sirius smirked. "Think he'll finally get a leg over?"
"Charming, Padfoot."
Sirius laughed. "Everyone but you thinks I am."
"And I've just said you are as well, didn't I?" Remus tossed his fringe out of his eyes to give him a sardonic look.
"But you're just being a sarcastic git." With a dramatic sigh, Sirius pressed his hand against his heart. "You wound me deeply."
"Your ego is imperturbable."
"Good thing, too, having such a cold-hearted friend as you."
Remus shook his head, smiling bemusedly. "Someone hit you with a babbling hex?"
"Just making conversation, Moony."
"Ah, well, perhaps we'd better save this fascinating topic for later. We'll be late for class if we don't start heading back."
Remus started to push up when Sirius grabbed his wrist.
"Wait a moment."
"What?"
The expression on Sirius' face was indecipherable, and Remus frowned a little waiting for Sirius to say something.
"What is it, Sirius?"
"I just..." Sirius hesitated, darting his tongue out to lick his lips and staring at Remus with an intense gaze. "I think we should try something."
The frown lines between Remus' eyes deepened. He looked back at Sirius in confusion. "Try what?"
For an answer, Sirius leaned in and pressed his mouth against Remus'. Remus froze, neither moving away nor responding until Sirius pulled back. He looked chagrined. "I...I'm sorry, Remus. I thought you might like blokes."
Remus just stared for a moment. "That...doesn't explain why you kissed me," he finally said in shell-shocked tones.
Sirius had the good grace to flush. "Well, it's no secret I fancy blokes and I thought if you did as well..."
"That it would be a good idea to snog behind the greenhouse?" Remus asked incredulously.
"I thought--" Sirius seemed to be doing his level best to affect an air of nonchalant interest. "Well, do you?"
"Do I what?"
"Fancy blokes."
Remus didn't say anything. The sound of Hagrid's voice boomed in the distance, and the barking of his huge dog also carried through the air toward them. Finally, Remus gave an abrupt nod and dropped his gaze to his knees.
"Knew it," Sirius crowed, and Remus shot him a dirty look.
"Yes, well, now that's covered can we go now?" Remus' discomfort was turning his cheeks pink, and Sirius was still holding on to his wrist. Confusion over Sirius' actions made his voice a bit acerbic.
"No. I want to kiss you again."
Remus looked up astonishment. "I don't think--"
Sirius let go of Remus' wrist to cup the back of his neck and pull him in for another kiss. He had barely slipped his tongue into Remus' mouth when Remus pulled back with a gasp.
"What are you doing? This is..."
"Something you want, isn't it?" Sirius leaned in to murmur against his ear. "Let me give you this, Moony." He began kissing his way down Remus' throat.
"Oh, God. You--I don't fucking believe you!"
Sirius frowned. "What's wrong?"
"What's wrong? Christ, Sirius, are you doing this to make it up to me? The whole thing with Snape? You are, aren't you? Fucking hell, Sirius."
Remus jerked away and stumbled to his feet. Sirius sprang up also holding out a hand in supplication.
"Wait, Remus. It's not like that."
"The hell it isn't," Remus said with a bitter twist to his words. "You think I'd want that? You think I'd really want you pimping yourself out to me because you feel guilty."
"No! It's not--"
"Do you ever think? And what about James? I'm sure he'd be utterly pleased with this ridiculous plan of yours."
Sirius flinched a little, and Remus could feel his own hands shaking. "Just...don't do this again."
Four.
"Would you talk to Lily for me?"
"What do you want me to say?"
"Just feel her out a bit, See if she's warmed up to me at all. Put in a good word."
Remus frowned.
"You don't fancy Lily, do you?"
"No! Of course not. It's just..."
"Just what, Remus? I'm not asking you to convince her to go out with me, just to soften her up a bit. I know you're close, She talks to you. Respects your opinion."
"It's not that I don't want to James. It isn't any of my business, I know, but...Sirius."
At that, James shifted uncomfortably.
"It's not--it's not like that with us."
Remus merely raised his eyebrow, and James flushed.
"I mean," he clarified, "he and I, we had a thing, yeah, but it was always...we always knew it wasn't something permanent. We'll always be close, best mates. Brothers, even."
"Do you even realize how utterly twisted that makes you sound?" Remus couldn't resist saying. "That's purebloods for you."
"Wanker." James gave a sheepish laugh and shoved Remus lightly.
"But he knows I want Lily. I have for yonks, and now, well, I think I might finally have a chance with her."
"James..." Remus really doesn't know how to say it, or even if he should, but Sirius deserved this much at least. "Sirius is...do you really think he'll be okay with this? Are you sure this is what you want?"
James has seen how Sirius looked at him, how he reacted when James tried to get closer to Lily. He couldn't be oblivious to the fact the Sirius was in love with him, even if those kinds of words had never been uttered.
"He..." But Remus couldn't bring himself to say the words aloud either.
"I know." James looked down and seemed to be struggling to find his own words. "But that will pass. Sirius--he only thinks I'm what he needs because his family is so fucked up, and we're so close and always together, especially since he ran away last Christmas, and..." He swallowed and nodded decisively, as if to convince himself as he looked up at Remus. "He'll get over it. I know he will. Move on and...it will be better for everyone."
If Remus doubted the certainty of James' declaration, he didn't indicate it. He just stared searchingly at James for a long moment, and then bowed his head in acquiescence.
"If that's what you want, James. I'll speak to her. Though, I'm not sure she'll count my opinion in the matter."
James' warm thanks and the strong grip on his shoulder did nothing to assuage Remus' tangled emotions.
Sirius came to him the next day while Remus was revising in the library and slid into the chair next to him.
"Busy?"
Remus slid his book away willingly enough and smiled.
"Could do with a break."
"Brilliant. Fancy a walk?"
Remus looked away from Sirius' smile and gathered his parchments into neat layers.
"Let's go."
They walked shoulder to shoulder in silence until they were out of the castle and ambling rather aimlessly in the general direction of the lake.
"James told me what he asked you."
"Oh." Remus was startled, and he almost tripped over a large stone as he turned his head to look at Sirius.
"Watch it." Sirius steadied him with a firm grip on his arm.
"Thanks." Remus looked at the rock, then carefully stepped around it, unsure of what to say.
"It's all right, you know." Sirius fell into step beside him again. "I mean, we all know he's been after her for ages."
"Yes," Remus said hesitantly.
"He told me you were a bit protective. Looking out for me and all."
Remus could feel Sirius' eyes on him, and he flushed, turning to look at the lake lapping against the nearest bank.
"Oh. Well..."
"Thank you."
A warm hand fell on his shoulder and Remus looked at Sirius in surprise.
"You're a good friend, Moony."
His chest went tight, and Remus struggled to keep his breathing even and normal.
"You've been a good friend to me, as well."
"Not always." Sirius murmured, a hint of regret shading his features. "I'm an arse, really."
"'S why I like you." Remus let his lips twitch up at the corners. "So I can feel morally superior."
Sirius laughed, and his whole face lit up with it. The tightness in Remus' chest doubled.
"You are a much better man than I am," Sirius acknowledged. Finally, he let his hand drop but didn't look away from Remus.
"Remus." Sirius chewed his lip a moment before continuing. "I really am so sorry for what I did before."
Remus wanted to drag himself away from the charged moment. The air felt thick and heavy, but he couldn't look away
"Sirius, I know. Please don't apologize again. We've put all that behind us, haven't we?"
Sirius looked shamed and regretful again, and he took a step closer to Remus. His grey eyes were wide and sincere, and Remus had to stop himself from stumbling back to put the distance back between them.
"Yeah, I know. I know. I'm sorry."
It was stupid that his pulse was beating so hard Remus could feel it in his chest and throat and even the undersides of his wrists. He had to do something to break the tension between them.
"You're sorry you're sorry?"
Sirius gave him a lopsided grin.
"Yeah, sorry about that."
"Idiot." Remus shoved him playfully and took off at a sprint. "Race you back to the castle!"
At least now he would have a proper excuse for his pounding heart.
Read Part 2…