Your Heart On The Line [Remus/Sirius, Sirius/James - NC-17] - Part 2
Author: Anonymous
Title: Your Heart on the Line
Prompt: #037 Submitted by: deathjunke
Pairing: Remus/Sirius, Sirius/James
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: drinking, adult language, explicit sexual encounters, cheating
Word Count: PartII: 8757, Total: 17,071
Summary: Things aren't always simple, but they're always there for each other.
Notes: Title from Little Lion Man by Mumford and Sons.
Five.
"Come on. Have another one, Moony."
Whiskey-scented breath wafted over his face as Sirius slung an arm around his neck and leaned in closer. James sat at one of the coveted corner tables with Lily, snogging behind a large potted plant. Sirius was pointedly avoiding even looking in that direction. Peter had disappeared with his date.
"I was thinking of heading back to the castle," Remus protested weakly. Sirius had been loud and boisterous all evening, exuding a forced jollity that made Remus ache for him and want to get away at the same time.
"Just one for the road, then." Sirius turned pleading eyes on Remus, which dissolved any resistance he might have had. "And I'll go back with you."
Remus nodded, wincing as Sirius clapped him heartily on the back.
"Good man!"
Sirius dragged him over to the bar and ordered another two shots of firewhiskey.
"Cheers."
Remus had had enough already that the liquid went down his throat smoothly, and Sirius certainly had no problems downing his glass.
"Another?"
Remus steeled himself against the wheedling tone and shook his head.
"Let's head back now or you won't be fit to walk."
"Right, right." Sirius swayed. "Lead on, Mr. Moony."
"I think we'd better take the tunnel. If McGonagall gets a whiff of you she'll go spare."
Sirius snickered as he followed Remus out.
"McGonagall would love to have a whiff of me, Remus."
His eye roll was wasted in the dim light of the tunnel, but Remus did it anyway.
"I'm sure."
His lumos gave them enough light to walk without stumbling. Sirius didn't bother lighting his own wand. He just stayed abreast of Remus along the narrow path, so that their elbows and shoulders bumped as they walked.
"This tunnel used to be a lot bigger."
Remus laughed.
"Remember when the four of us could fit under Prongs' cloak?"
"Glory days," Sirius said, assuming a deliberately maudlin tone.
"God, I hope not. Please tell me hexing Snape's robe pink back when we were eleven wasn't the zenith of my existence."
"Maybe not," Sirius laughed. "Only time will tell."
"I think I've had one or two experiences since then that have surpassed that."
"Oh? Like what, then?"
"You and James and Peter becoming animagi for one."
Sirius flashed him a pleased grin that made Remus feel warm all over.
"That was rather ace."
Sirius transformed to Padfoot and raced ahead then turned to bark playfully at Remus, tongue lolling out in a comic manner. Remus shook his head and laughed but took off running after him. Padfoot barked and made off down the tunnel again.
It was Sirius waiting for him at the end as breathless as Remus was, and they hunched over laughing and gasping for air. After they got their breath back, they slipped into the castle.
"Let's not go back to the tower yet. I've got a bottle stashed in one of the abandoned classrooms."
Against his better judgement Remus agreed.
Sirius let Remus handle the locking charms while he transfigured a bench into a long sofa, and then he threw himself on it in a languid sprawl of limbs and summoned the hidden bottle to his hand.
"What is that?" Remus shoved Sirius' legs aside and sat down.
"Ogden's Finest." Sirius took a swig then offered the bottle to Remus.
"Ta," Remus said then coughed after the swallow. "Merlin, Padfoot. Ogden's Finest my arse. What is this swill?"
Sirius just sniggered, and Remus took other drink before passing it back. He closed his eyes and leaned into the cushions.
"Remus."
"What?"
He heard the bottle clink on the floor and two loud thuds, Sirius' boots coming off probably, and then Sirius climbed over his lap and straddled him. Remus' eyes flew open.
"Can I fuck you, Moony?"
"Sirius."
"Don't say no," Sirius murmured into the shell of Remus' ear.
"I--I don't think it's a good idea." All of a sudden his heart was going fast enough to make the blood pound in his ears.
"Please. I just--I need this. I need this, Remus." His fingers began to slide down Remus' chest, plucking at the buttons of his shirt but not popping them yet. Sirius leaned back to lock eyes with him.
Remus couldn't breathe.
"You fancy me don't you?" Sirius whispered. His tongue darted out to wet his lips. "James said he thought you might."
"James did?" The words are less of a question than a restatement of what Sirius had said.
Sirius nodded, reaching up to rub his thumb against the furrow between Remus' brow.
"Do you? Do you fancy me?"
Remus didn't answer. He just swallowed and looked away, pressing his hands against Sirius' chest.
"I think we should go back now. You're drunk and..."
"Not that drunk," Sirius insisted. "Not enough." He pulled one of Remus' hands from his chest and pressed it between his legs. "Feel how much I want you."
Remus took a ragged breath and looked back at Sirius, caught by the unhappiness and ache he saw in his eyes.
"I need you. Please, Remus."
Before Remus could think of another excuse, Sirius pressed a kiss to his mouth, and Remus parted his lips letting Sirius slip his tongue inside. Sirius' fingers were working again, pulling Remus' shirt open and off his shoulders and moving back down to smooth over his chest.
Remus only struggled with himself for a moment. It was Sirius, and this was what he'd always wanted.
"Yeah," Sirius breathed. "That's it, Moony."
He deepened the kiss, and Remus strained up against him and carded his hands in Sirius' smooth hair. Sirius hands were everywhere, touching, stroking, undoing Remus' belt and flies.
When Sirius snaked a warm hand into his pants, Remus inhaled sharply through his nose as his cock filled and thickened.
Then, Sirius slid down to the floor to pull off Remus' shoes and socks and drag his trousers and pants away with impatient tugs. He stood and peeled off his jeans and pants in one go, tossing them in a careless heap, and not bothering to pull off his T-shirt before he was back on top of Remus and pushing him down onto the cushions to kiss him again. Remus' shirt was still hanging off of him, trapped around his elbows underneath his back, but Sirius didn't keep him there for long.
"Roll over," he murmured against Remus' throat.
Remus struggled back up and pulled his shirt the rest of the way off, nervously watching Sirius digging in his discarded jeans for his wand. Sirius looked at him and grinned.
"You look terrified. Come here." He pulled Remus down to the floor with him and kissed him again. They were kneeling face to face, and as Sirius pulled him close their cocks brushed together, making Remus gasp against Sirius' mouth. He could feel Sirius smile even as they kept kissing, and Sirius made it happen again, thrusting his hips easily toward Remus.
"I really want to fuck you." Sirius pulled back to look at him, and Remus tried not to think about why this was happening now.
He nodded and was immediately rewarded by one of Sirius' spine melting smiles. Heat twisted down to coil in his belly as Sirius moved behind him and pushed gently on his shoulder until Remus was positioned on his hands and knees. Remus' erection hung heavily between his legs, and he wasn't sure he'd ever been this hard in his life even though he felt awkward and exposed and inadequate next to Sirius' flawless good looks.
Almost as if he had read Remus' thoughts, Sirius spoke with an intimate pitch to his voice that made Remus shiver. "You look good like this, Moony."
He whispered a spell that made Remus jolt, then Sirius pressed a soothing hand to the small of his back. "Shh. Take it easy."
A warm finger stroked between the cheeks of his arse and then it was pushing inside, slowly but relentlessly. Remus couldn't help tensing up, it was such a strange feeling.
"Relax, Moony." Sirius bent forward to mouth kisses across his shoulder and the nape of his neck, and Remus felt himself go warm and liquid, almost beginning to like it. "That's it," Sirius praised, but then he withdrew his finger only to press two inside this time, and Remus fought against the urge to go rigid.
He could feel Sirius' breath coming now in faster little pants across his shoulders.
"God, you're so tight."
His fingers thrust erratically inside Remus' arse, sloppy movements that made Remus drop his head and squeeze his eyes shut to block out the discomfort. You survive a monthly transformation that hurts a hundred times worse, he told himself. You can handle this. His arms were trembling, though, as he braced himself against the stone floor and tried to breathe out the tension in his body.
"Fuck, are you...are you good?"
Remus nodded again, hissing in temporary relief as the fingers withdrew, but then Sirius was nudging the head of his cock against Remus' hole, just breaching the tight ring of muscle with a firm but shallow push. His hands settled on Remus' arse to spread him wider. Remus bit down on his bottom lip hard, swallowing the grunts of pain that lodged in his throat as Sirius pushed his way deeper.
Sirius was making enough noise for both of them, groaning as his hips met Remus' arse. He pulled back and thrust again, sending Remus rocking forward with a little cry. His hand tightened around Remus' hips and he tugged him back in time with his thrusts. Remus bit his lip again, determined not to make another humiliating sound like that.
His own erection was flagging, but Sirius was pounding into him with urgency. He started breathing very fast, each breath coming in little short pants that made him almost sound like Padfoot. It could almost have made Remus laugh, if it wasn't such a disturbing thought to have in that moment.
One last thrust sent Remus sharply forward again, and his elbows and knees buckled as Sirius collapsed over him with a long, low groan.
"Brilliant," Sirius slurred into the side of Remus' neck.
Remus rested his cheek on the cold floor, content for the moment to feel Sirius' heart pounding against his back and his breathing gradually slow and even out.
"Sirius?" Remus whispered. He wriggled a little.
"Oh, bloody hell."
A soft snuffling, snore tickled Remus' ear.
A few hours later Sirius woke with a start. He sat up to take in his surroundings, eyes going wide as he noticed Remus sitting on the huge window ledge, dangling a cigarette over his knee and looking out of the arched window. He was wearing only his trousers and his shirt, though it was unbuttoned and hanging off his shoulders.
"Remus?"
Remus turned his head. "Oh, you're awake finally."
"Yeah." Sirius scrubbed at his head sheepishly. "Sorry, I..."
"'S'okay." Remus leaned his head back and took a drag off his cigarette.
"Got another one of those?"
Remus tossed him the pack and watched as Sirius lit one for himself. After a moment, he stood up, apparently unconcerned about his nudity, and made Remus budge over so he could sit next to him on the window seat. They smoked in silence for several moments.
"That was your first time, wasn't it?"
Remus winced. He had half thought Sirius would pretend nothing had happened, or perhaps would have genuinely forgotten, given what he'd had to drink, but this head on confrontation or whatever it was had to be worse.
"I'm an arse," Sirius groaned. "An utter, gigantic, selfish arse."
That made Remus laugh, because honestly, it was true and everyone knew it.
"This is news?"
Sirius gave him a look, though, that made Remus look away and shake his head. "Don't, Sirius. I was willing in case you forgot."
"Yes, but, God, I was complete pants."
Remus shot him an incredulous look. "So you're all worked up because of your ego?"
"No! I just...I was so impatient and rough with you. All I could think about was..." He made a small sound of disgust. "Fuck, I barely prepared you. I hurt you, didn't I?"
"It wasn't bad."
Sirius snorted. "You're lying. You know I can always tell when you are."
"Yet here I am all in one piece to fight another day."
"Idiot." Sirius scowled. "It shouldn't have been like that."
"What? You mean you don't usually fall asleep on your sex partner thirty seconds after you've come?"
"Fuck," Sirius dropped his head and groaned. "Did I really?"
"I'm afraid so."
After a moment, Sirius stubbed his cigarette out and flicked it away. "Do you hate me?"
"Quite often."
"I'm serious!"
Remus sighed. "You know I don't hate you. Don't be ridiculous."
"You should," Sirius said broodingly.
Remus took a final drag of his fag and ground it against the stone, then he offered Sirius a tight grin.
"At least I won't die a virgin."
That startled a laugh out of Sirius, and Remus laughed, too.
"I could make it up to you."
"Oh?"
"Yeah. Well, if I haven't put you off sex completely, we could give it another go."
"What, now?"
"Yes, I'm...well, much more sober than I was before anyway."
Remus looked back at him doubtfully.
"I'd like to. I mean--if you would." Sirius flicked the hair out of his eyes to look at Remus and gave him an disconcertingly unsure smile. "Give me a chance to make it good for you."
Remus looked down at his knees. "You don't have to--"
"I want to, Remus." He nudged Remus' leg with his own. "Honestly."
When Remus didn't say anything Sirius slid off the ledge and moved in between Remus' legs, sliding the palms of his hands slowly up Remus' thighs. He didn't miss the catch in Remus' breath, nor the look in his eyes when Remus finally looked up at him. When Sirius smiled and leaned into kiss him, Remus didn't resist this time either.
Six.
"All unpacked, Moony?"
James lounged against the doorframe, grinning down at Remus.
"Just about, only need to get these books sorted."
"Oh, leave those and come outside with me for a bit. It's a brilliant day for a fly."
"All right, then."
Remus grabbed his broom and followed James out onto the back lawn. The last time he'd looked out on this vista had been during Mrs. Potter's wake, and he knew James' thoughts must be running along the same vein because he looked uncharacteristically solemn for a moment. It had to be not only heart breaking but strange to look over your childhood domain and realize that you were the head of the family now.
"Has Lily got settled in with Alice?"
James looked grateful for the diversion. "She's over the moon about the flat. We're invited to a house warming Saturday next, so keep the date free."
"I'll be sure to clear my social calendar," Remus said dryly.
"Moony," James laughed. "Now that we're roommates again, we'll make you the belle of the ball."
"I can hardly wait."
"So how was your leave taking? Did your mum pinch your cheeks and fuss over you and make you promise to write everyday?" James smirked and slung an arm around Remus' shoulders as they walked out onto the lawn.
"Fine. No, yes, and yes. I'm also to take tea with her every Sunday. You've a standing invitation as well, by the way."
"Jolly!"
"My mum is quite fond of you for some reason. She thinks you're a fine upstanding gentleman. I tried to set her right, but she wasn't having it."
James chortled. "What does she think of Padfoot and Wormtail?"
Remus snorted. "She thinks Padfoot is a hooligan. I think it was the motorcycle boots that put her off. That and his mouth. The last time she saw him was right after fuck became his new favorite swear word, and he kept forgetting and using it in front of her."
"Ha ha! Brilliant. Padfoot is a hooligan, of course. Discerning woman, your mum." They both snickered.
"And Peter, well..." Remus continues. "Don't you dare tell him this, but she thinks he's a bit...smarmy."
They didn't meet each other's eyes, but Remus knew James was making as much of an effort as he was to keep his mouth from twitching into a broad grin. Peter could be a little too fawning at times, even though it'd be the height of disloyalty to say it out loud.
"Shall we?" James stepped away and straddled his broom, obviously using that as an excuse to smile widely.
"Sure."
Remus got on his broom a little less gracefully, but readily enough. They kicked off and Remus followed James in looping circles over the lawn. Without warning, James leaned forward and shot off with a burst of speed.
"Try and keep up if you can!"
Remus laughed and followed James as he darted between trees and over the small lake in the far corner of the property. Their toes skimmed the water sending up white spray on either side of them, and then James was climbing again, higher than Remus usually went. His broom wasn't as nice or new as James' but Remus held on, steadying it with his grip until he was side by side with James.
"Ready?" James's grin was full of anticipation.
Remus nodded and they both plunged down on a straight path, whooping with exhilaration, until they had to even out, streaking bare feet above the expanse of green grass.
"You're not half bad on a broom, really," James said when they'd climbed off.
"Thanks," Remus said dryly.
James laughed and punched his shoulder. They rested their brooms against the porch railing and Remus steeled himself for the conversation he knew James would try to brush off.
"Listen, James."
"Yeah?" James looked at him curiously.
"I just wanted to say thanks...for having me here. It's very--"
Shut it, Moony." James waved his hand dismissively. "Manly bachelor pad here, don't you know? No soppy girl talk allowed."
"Right." Remus nodded. "Manly. Quite."
James nodded back briskly. "Herein there will be much consumption of firewhiskey and leaving about of dirty socks and a life of general dissoluteness."
"Well, in that vein..." Remus pulled an envelope out of his pocket and held it out toward James. "Here's a little something to keep the firewhiskey flowing. It's not much, but I've been getting some work doing odd jobs around--"
"I'm not taking that, Remus." James was staring at him with a mulish look on his face that Remus knew only too well.
"You have to take it." Remus tried to keep his voice even and matter of fact.
"I'm not," James insisted. "It's yours and I--I don't want you to think of yourself as a guest here or my tenant for fuck's sake. It's your home now, too."
"James, listen..."
"No! You listen to me, Remus. I'm not taking that, not when--" He frowned, his hand raking through his hair in an automatic gesture. "It's okay to have something--to do something for yourself once in a while."
"This is for myself. Fuck, James. I never want to be a burden for anyone. Hell, I'd dig my own grave if I could. And this, this is nothing. Not enough to--"
"Bollocks, Moony."
Remus is thankful that James is being so belligerent. This scene would have been unbearable if he had gone all solemn and kind about things.
"You're working for the Order just the same as the rest of us. You've no more time than we do for outside jobs, no matter how creative you are about finding shit work to do and fitting it in between Order assignments. It'd be different if you could have a real job, something you wanted to do."
"It's honest work, James." Remus bristled.
"It may be, but you're wearing yourself out doing it. Don't say you aren't."
"Peter has a job!"
"Peter!" James said scathingly. "Because his mum would have fits if he didn't. And he's only working in his uncle's shop and taking time off whenever he likes."
They were both glaring at each other now. Remus looked away first and swallowed.
"Look James, it's just--"
But James had got a grip on his shoulders and was looking straight into Remus' eyes. "You would do the same for me, wouldn't you? If the situation was reversed?"
And Remus didn't have an answer to that which would help his cause, so he just stared back silently.
"You're one of my best friends. You and Peter and Sirius and Lily--you're all the family I have left. Family take care of each other."
Remus chewed on his bottom lip, staring down at the envelope in his hand. Finally, he looked up and gave James a small grin.
"If Sirius is your brother, does that make me the deadbeat cousin everyone avoids at family dinners, then?"
James laughed and pulled him into a hug. "You're my brother, as well, daft git."
"Oi! There you are. What's all this?"
The porch door slammed shut behind Sirius and Peter, and James released Remus to smirk at them.
"Who let you lot in?"
"We let ourselves in as you're such a shit host." Sirius sauntered over and Peter waved at Remus.
Remus shoved the envelope back into his pocket as James and Sirius engaged in the horseplay that usually passed for a greeting to them.
"Hello, Peter. Did you come on the motorbike?"
"Yes." Peter leaned in and lowered his voice. "It's the last time, too. Sirius is absolutely barking on that thing."
"His sense of self-preservation does leave something to be desired."
"What sense of self-preservation?"
They snickered, then Peter pointed at Remus' shoes.
"You're trainers are leaking, mate."
"Yeah, I'll go change them. My socks are soggy, too. Back in a moment."
He toed off his shoes and carried them up the stairs, opening the window and setting them on the sill to dry when he got to his room. Even though his books were still in his trunk it did look like his; pictures of the four of them on the desk, his quilt in Gryffindor colors on the bed. He sat on the edge of it and pulled his damp socks off, tossing them in the corner. There. Even better. He was smiling as Sirius burst into the room, slamming the door behind him.
"You didn't even say hello."
"I was coming right back and neither did you."
Sirius folded his arms across his chest and regarded Remus belligerently.
"What was all that?"
"All what?"
"Outside. You and James."
Confused, Remus stared up Sirius, mouth slightly open. "What are you talking about?"
"Do you fancy James?"
"What?"
"You heard me."
"No! Merlin, Sirius. Have you gone mad?"
"You seemed awfully cozy."
"Oh, for--you think I'm daft enough to move in with James and then fuck everything up by making some ridiculous move on him? Even if I did fancy him, I wouldn't be stupid enough to act on it."
"You don't think he'd be interested in you?"
"Of course I don't!"
Sirius stared at him with a sharp look for a long moment before relaxing his stance and giving Remus a wicked grin.
"What would you say if I told you we thought about asking you to join us a time or two back at school?"
Remus snorted. "That you both always said you try anything once, and that I guess I missed my window of opportunity considering he's practically engaged to Lily."
Sirius launched himself onto the bed, leaving Remus sprawled backward underneath a squirming pile of a nearly six foot eighteen year old boy.
"Fuck, Sirius! You weigh a ton. Get off."
"My thoughts exactly." Sirius hovered over him, amused by Remus' attempts to push him away.
"What? God." Remus shoved at Sirius' chest. "James and Peter are downstairs waiting."
"So?"
"Sirius!"
"I'll make it quick."
"Is that supposed to be selling me?"
Sirius laughed. "Come on. I'll blow you--quick and dirty."
"You've been spending too much time at the clubs."
Sirius ignored this to slide down and tug at Remus' zipper and pull his jeans and pants down with a sharp tug. Without preamble, he grabbed Remus' cock and sank his mouth over it. Remus groaned. Sirius smiled around his mouthful as no more protests were forthcoming, his free hand worked his own cock free of his jeans.
Sirius gave the cock in his mouth a hard suck, making Remus roll his hips up and hiss. "Fuck".
Remus wasn't given any respite. Sirius kept his motions fast and rough, working Remus' shaft relentlessly while fisting his own cock just as roughly. He dug his fingers into the quilt on the verge of coming, then Sirius' thumb circled underneath his balls and plumped them up against the base of his cock as he squeezed rhythmically. Remus' hips rolled up again, shoving his cock deeper into Sirius' mouth as he climaxed. Sirius' arm jerked faster and a few seconds later he was coming too, moaning around Remus' softening prick.
After a moment, he pulled away and wiped the back of his hand across his mouth, sporting a self-satisfied smirk as he crawled back up Remus.
"Hello."
Seven.
The air in the flat smelled stale and musty, giving evidence of Sirius' prolonged absence since he'd made himself at home in Remus' bed at James'. Sirius was still manic despite the amount of alcohol he'd consumed that evening. He paced restlessly around the room while Remus shoved open the windows. Remus knew that despite the fact that the engagement had been a foregone conclusion for months, the official announcement and party still had hit Sirius like a sucker punch no matter how he hid it.
"Do you want to go out?"
"Out?" Sirius jerked around and looked at him, jittery hands fluttering up to his hair and combing through it. "No, let's just go to bed."
Go to bed meant fuck, of course, not that Remus had any complaints about it. He had Sirius on his hands and knees, working him open slowly and thoroughly to give him something else to think about other than the private celebration James and Lily were probably having right about then, and then pounding into him as hard as Sirius was begging for. They were both slick with sweat and trembling when Sirius came, groaning out a name with a sibilant hiss.
Belly cold, Remus fucked Sirius forward into the mattress, his fingers digging into Sirius' hips. He came silently and slumped heavily over Sirius' back. After only a moment, he eased away and onto his pillow, staring up at the ceiling and letting his breath even out. Sirius didn't move from where he was sprawled until Remus sat up and started to swing his legs off the bed.
Fingers wrapped around his wrist. "Where are you going?"
"Loo."
"Are you coming back?"
"Do you want me to?" Remus asked carefully.
Suddenly, Remus was flat on his back and Sirius was on top, kissing him with a desperate sort of intensity that Remus didn't know how to handle. Sirius wasn't giving him any choice, though.
"Remus," he murmured over and over in between the desperate kisses, as if it would erase the other name.
When they were hard again, Sirius fucked him this time, looking into Remus' eyes the whole time and finally falling asleep wrapped around him tightly despite the heat of the room. Only after his sleep was deep and dreamless did Remus untangle himself from Sirius' limbs and roll away.
Nothing was said in the morning, and a few days later Sirius followed Remus back to James'. Lily was a regular presence now, and Sirius gradually learned to stop calling her Evans and to have the occasional conversation with her that didn't end in sniping. Peter stopped by every couple of days, and it was almost like being back at Hogwarts.
Even their responsibilities for the order slacked off for a time, and it was almost like the war had never existed. In reality, it was the calm before the storm. Later, Remus would look back and realize it was their last gasp of their childhood, for all that they had thought they were so grown up then.
James and Lily planned their wedding, and Remus began quietly to consider his options for moving out. James' generosity was unbounded, but Remus wasn't going to intrude on a newly married couple no matter what they said. He'd have his plans made before he spoke to James about it. It was the only way to avoid a scene, or as much of one anyway.
Before he had a chance to work things out Sirius came to him.
"I was thinking, Moony."
Sirius had a slightly nervous air, which was somewhat unsettling, but his usual grin was in place as he sat on the arm of the chair where Remus was reading the paper.
"Yes?"
"I reckon once James and Evans are hitched you might want to give them their space for a bit. So I was thinking you might as well move in with me. You're there as often as you are here these days anyway, and, well, I'd like it if you would."
He finished this speech with a lift of his eyebrows and watched Remus expectantly.
Of course Remus had thought about it, perhaps had secretly hoped that Sirius might suggest it, but now that it was happening he was having a difficult time accepting it. He wasn't even sure exactly what Sirius was offering.
"You really want to be roommates," he asked cautiously.
"Fuck no." Sirius snorted. "Roommates, I ask you."
Remus flushed.
"Remus," Sirius talked as if he speaking to an exceedingly slow child. "I'm asking you to shack up. You and me. Like we've been doing for quite some time in case you hadn't noticed, only not so officially."
"So we'd be officially shacking up then?" He knew Sirius could detect the faint tease in his voice though Remus kept his face straight.
"Now you're getting it." Sirius' mouth twitched up at the corners.
"I wouldn't be...cramping your style?"
Sirius heaved a sigh, but had the grace to look a little chagrined. "Who I have been with practically every night over the past six months? You're not cramping anything."
Remus couldn't help the glow of pleasure the declaration brought him and he found himself smiling warmly at Sirius. "All right, then."
James took the news with good grace but insisted that Remus stay until after the wedding.
"Someone's got to keep me company until then."
Remus gladly obliged until Dumbledore's tasks finally took a more serious turn, and he was entrusted with his first solo task that didn't involve strictly research, one to which he was uniquely suited. He came home from a meeting with Dumbledore jittery and apprehensive to find James and Sirius playing Exploding Snap in the middle of the sitting room floor.
"I'm not regrowing your eyebrows for you again this week, Prongs, so I hope you like the hairless look."
James and Sirius looked up and grinned.
"I'll do it for him." Sirius smiled wickedly and pointed his wand in the general vicinity of James' head.
"As if I'd ever let you get near me with a hair growth charm again." He batted the wand away. "Anyway, Moony talks tough, but we all know he would never turn his back on a mate in need."
"Quite the vote of confidence, James, but I'm afraid you'll have to shift for yourself because I've got a task to do for Dumbledore, and he wants me leave tonight."
That got both of their attention.
"What? Where are you going?" Sirius demanded.
"I'm not supposed to talk about the details."
"You can't even tell us?" James asked indignantly.
Remus shook his head.
"How long will you be away." Sirius was scowling.
"A week, maybe two."
They both exclaimed, and Sirius spat out a curse. "What does he have you doing? Is it dangerous?"
"No." Most probably it wasn't anyway. "And I told you, I can't really say what I'm doing but...he needs me to gather some information." Which was true as far as it went, more or less.
"Oh, more research." Sirius said dismissively. "Does Dumbledore think we're going to beat Voldemort by reading through musty scrolls?"
"Are you sure it's not dangerous, Moony?" James, who could sometimes be uncannily perceptive, was watching him closely.
"You're asking this of the bloke who regularly rides on the back of Padfoot's bike? Compared to that it's nothing."
Everyone laughed, and the tension eased up for the few hours Remus had before he was to meet Dumbledore for his final instructions.
"Take care of yourself, Moony." Sirius pulled him into an embrace and kissed him soundly before stepping back to let Remus grab a handful of floo powder. "Hurry back."
Eight.
The debriefing with Dumbledore and Moody was exhausting, not to mention the several days preceding it, and with it only two nights before the full moon Remus was ready to kiss the door of James' house when he finally apparated to the front entry and waved his wand to allow him to slip past the wards and into the house. The foyer was dark but he could see light flickering from the sitting room doorway, and the sound of low voices filtered down the hall.
He dropped his bag on the floor and went to join them. The beginnings of a smile turned the corners of his mouth up as he placed bets with himself on whether they were having another game of Exploding Snap or working on their second bottle of firewhiskey.
"Padfoot! Prongs! I'm back."
A loud thud and the sound of Sirius swearing made his eyebrows lift into his fringe and he turned the corner curiously.
"What are you--"
For a frozen moment, Remus took in the scene. I was right about the firewhiskey, he thought, staring at the growing puddle on the rug in front of the fireplace. There weren't any cards strewn about the floor, though, only discarded jeans and shirts and the ridiculous boxers Lily had gotten James that were covered in rudely gesturing cornish pixies. Sirius, of course, never wore pants under his jeans.
He wanted not to see James and Sirius, but their dark hair and pale skin and long limbs seemed to be everywhere, permanently searing the image onto his inner lids. The wall sconces to either side of him shattered and a shard grazed Remus' cheek. Blood trickled in a thin line down his face.
"I--I'm sorry."
He took a step back, then another, hit the frame of the doorway and staggered. He just needed to get outside the house and then he could Apparate. Drowned in treacle is what it felt like as he turned and walked down the hall faster and faster, but still in what seemed like slow motion.
James and Sirius were shouting his name, scrambling off the floor and Remus scrabbled for the doorknob. He could hear them chasing him down the hallway. Why? Why, really? A laugh bubbled up in his chest and lodged there, leaving an uncomfortable lump.
Fresh air hit him as the door swung open and he jumped the steps, looking over his shoulder to see Sirius launch himself forward. Remus pivoted on his heel as Sirius caught the fabric of his cloak. It spun away off Remus' shoulders, and the last thing he saw before the sickening swirl of Apparation took him was Sirius' wide, grey eyes.
The Shrieking Shack was the same, with perhaps a thicker layer of dust, but the broken furniture, the blood stains, the rotting fabrics were as familiar as the back of his hand. Remus had spent the past hour casting Lumos and Nox, cupping the tip of his wand in his palm and watching the light outline his bones and veins in a muted red glow. He thought about staying, strengthening the old wards and adding new ones that would keep out James and Sirius for the time being and during his transformation. Even their sharp minds combined weren't up to the task of unraveling his wards so quickly.
He couldn't afford to think they wouldn't find him. They would check his mum's place, and he only hoped they didn't worry her too badly. They would check Sirius' flat and Peter's and maybe Order Headquarters, and when they didn't find him at any of those places they would realize that the Shrieking Shack really was the logical choice given the time of month.
He thought about enduring the moon alone, and the pang of loneliness and grief that swept over him left him sick and trembling. Since Hogwarts they'd run free together on James' grounds every full. He didn't want to lose his friends. He couldn't. And they'd done so very much for him, hadn't they? Surely, he could get past this.
But Remus wasn't ready to go back there yet. Instead, he sat in the innermost room of the shack and tried picturing a life without them until he couldn't bear it any longer and facing them seemed the lesser of two evils. For once, he wished the moon would come early along with the oblivion the wolf gave him, but it was still two nights away, so Remus gathered himself and Apparated back to James' house.
This time was James sitting on the edge of the sofa, hunched over with his hands in his hair. Sirius was pacing back and forth in front of the fireplace. They didn't notice Remus until he spoke.
"Hello."
James' head jerked up, and Sirius whirled around to gape at him.
"Remus!" James cried, on his feet and taking an involuntary step toward Remus, but then pulling up short. Both he and Sirius looked out of place in their bodies, like skittish animals afraid to come too close. They stared with wide, apprehensive eyes. Sirius' were red-rimmed, his face drawn and splotchy.
Shoving his hands into his pockets to hide their shaking, Remus looked past them and stared resolutely into the fire.
"I'm sorry I ran off. I was just so...taken by surprise, and I..." He took a deep breath to steady his voice, trying not to give away how close he was to losing his composure. "I just reacted."
"God, Moony," James said raggedly. "Don't apologize."
"I feel so stupid." The words came out of his mouth without emphasis, dull and banal. "I feel so stupid because I knew. I knew and I still--" His choked, self-loathing laugh made James and Sirius wince. "I behaved as if it was shocking that Sirius still wanted you."
"No, Remus I--"
Remus held up a hand and Sirius snapped his mouth shut, an anguished look on his face. "It's always been James. We all know that. It was my fault for hoping that...for misunderstanding what was--" He swallowed thickly. "What we were doing."
"No!" Sirius drew the word out like moan. "You didn't misunderstand. I--I was so stupid and I know I fucked up...again. But Remus you have to believe me, I want you, not James. I swear, I swear I'll make it up to you, prove to you--"
"You don't want James?" Remus laughed incredulously. "What I saw two hours ago pretty much puts paid to that ridiculous statement."
Sirius made some noise that sounded like a strangled sob, hitching a sharp breath and letting his head fall forward so that this hair fell forward and obscured his face.
"It was my fault." James stepped forward as if to shield Sirius, his voice was thick with guilt. "Lily and I had a fight and I--we had too much to drink. I pushed things, I kept pushing until--"
"Sirius doesn't do anything he doesn't want to." Remus said softly. "I can't be a substitute anymore. For a long time I thought I could but now...I just can't. I wanted to believe that after you and Lily were finally together that things might be different but..." He had to stop because he couldn't trust his voice.
"Remus," Sirius whispered, his voice cracking, begging for a chance. "Please. Let me--"
Remus looked up at James, interrupting. "I knew that you felt a lot more than what you ever admitted to as well, but I suppose I didn't think that after Lily you would...act on it."
James went white, looking, if possible, even more wracked with guilt than before.
"I'm so sorry, Remus. I was selfish. It won't ever happen again. I just...I think the idea of getting married and it all being so...permanent and you know how Lily and I can fight sometimes. I just lost my head a bit. I know it's not an excuse, but I...God, I am so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you ever."
Remus forced himself to meet James' eyes because it was easier than facing Sirius. "You've both done so much for me. Don't...don't think I forget that." He finally dragged his eyes to Sirius. "So...we'll put it behind us, can't we? Things will go back to how they were before. Just...just mates, all right?"
Something snapped inside Sirius because he threw himself at Remus, latching onto him with such fierceness that Remus reeled back, stumbling to keep his feet until his back fetched up against the wall. Sirius was sobbing into his neck, trying to form words but the only thing coming out was little hitching breaths and strangled syllables. His neck was wet and hot tears were dripping inside Remus' collar and wetting the shoulder of his shirt.
Something the size of a boulder lodged in Remus' throat. He couldn't breathe besides because Sirius was clutching onto to him so hard, trapping his arms at his sides and he couldn't take a full breath. A dizzying wave of adrenaline made him slump against the wall.
"Sirius," he said, his voice like a croak. "Don't."
"Can't," Sirius gasped. "Can't lose you."
Thy hysteria must have been catching because Remus couldn't disguise the tremor when he spoke. "We'll still be--"
"No!" Sirius buried his face into Remus' neck, shuddering hard. "Please. Please." Then his mouth was on Remus and he was planting desperate kisses on his lips, the corner of his mouth, his eyes, cheekbones, everywhere. That was what finally wrenched a sob from Remus, and he struggled to push Sirius away who only held on tighter, burying his face in Remus' hair this time.
"James." Remus implored him with eyes which were burning and held wide open to keep his own tears at bay. James looked back at him helplessly. Finally he stepped forward and gripped Sirius' shoulder.
"Sirius. Padfoot," he whispered brokenly. "Let go."
Sirius shook his head, jerking roughly away as James pulled inexorably trying to force him away from Remus.
"Remus. Please. I'll do anything."
Remus had to close his eyes in the face of Sirius' pleas, the anguished expression and tears turning Sirius' grey eyes dark and wounded. He pressed back against the wall and refused to see.
"Why do you always have to be like this? Everything a production. A drama. Why? You don't even mean any of it."
He cut off the sound of Sirius' protest with a vicious snarl. "You don't. Do you remember the first time we fucked? Why it happened? I do."
"Remus," Sirius whispered.
"The night of James' first date with Lily. You got drunk because you couldn't stand it, but I was there to provide a momentary distraction. Is it coming back to you? And what about their engagement party? Do you remember what happened that night? Whose name was it you called out when you came? Not mine. So don't make this out to be affecting you so much. I was convenient, that's all. You'll find someone easily enough to get whatever it was you got from me."
Sirius chest was heaving against his as he sobbed silently. James had stopped trying to pry him off and was standing behind them with round, horrified eyes. And Remus didn't know how they would ever fix any of this now.
Then Sirius was sliding to his knees in front of Remus. "Please. I'll--I'll make an Unbreakable Vow. To--to always be faithful."
James gasped, and Remus shrank against the wall, looking at Sirius with shock.
"Have you gone round the bend? I don't want--fuck, Sirius, you can't just play around with things like this."
"I'm not playing around. I mean it."
"No, Sirius."
The collapse of Sirius' expression nearly undid Remus. His heart felt as it was being squeezed in a giant fist. James looked torn, as if he didn't know, for once, what to advise or who to comfort.
Remus took a shuddering breath and shocked himself by what he uttered next.
"There's a different way if...if you want another chance."
Sirius stared up at him with a look of almost pathetic hope. "I'll do anything."
"Obliviate me."
James and Sirius gaped at him in utter shock.
"The last three hours. Just do it. Make it go away, never have happened and it can be like you want."
"Don't," Sirius said, almost a moan. "Don't ask me to do that. It's...it's a violation."
"It's that or..." Remus steeled himself against Sirius' desperate eyes, looking at James instead to get away from the intensity of emotion. James looked equally as horrified. "If you don't obliviate me, then..."
For several long moments no one spoke. Sirius slumped forward, his head resting against Remus' leg. Remus didn't push him away, he only waited silently for Sirius' decision, trying to resist the urge to sink his fingers into Sirius' hair.
Finally, Sirius rose to his feet, much more ungracefully than was his wont, and pulled out his wand to rest it against Remus' temple.
"I love you, Remus."
Nine.
Remus waved his wand at the pile of wood squares and watched them slot themselves into each other one by one until they formed the well-scuffed teak dance floor. The tents were next and the main pavilion and the tables and chairs. Everything had a beautiful view of the lake, and once Remus had cast the protective wards that would keep everything clean and safe during the night, he settled himself down in the middle of the floor and looked over the rolling green lawn, watching the sunlight glitter on the rippling water.
He sat lost in thought until the click of shoes behind him brought him back to the present. Lily smiled as she sat down beside him.
"Mind if I join you?"
"Not at all. Come to inspect my handiwork?" Remus grinned.
"No need. Now if it were James or Sirius in charge here..."
They laughed and Lily tucked her arm in Remus', leaning on his shoulder to gaze out at the water, too.
"Nervous?"
"A bit. And excited. It's strange because nothing is really going to change is it? But it feels so..."
"Final? Binding yourself to the particular brand of insanity that is James Potter?" Remus nodded, trying to keep his expression solemn. "A sobering thought indeed."
Lily giggled. "Something like that. I don't know how I ended up in love with the blithering idiot, but I am."
"I know." Remus turned to smile warmly at her. "He tends to grow on you like that."
"I am nervous about showing in my dress," she admitted quietly. "Do you think anyone will be able to tell? The things my sister would say--"
"That you're beautiful? And blessed? With a husband who has rather frightful hair, yes, but who doesn't look like a walrus? She'll be filled with envy."
Lily's laughter was full of pleasure, and Remus laughed with her. "You do look beautiful, Lily. Don't doubt it."
"You always make me feel better, Remus." Impulsively, she gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Thank you."
He just smiled and went back to staring at the water.
After a few moments, Lily cleared her throat. "I wish you would stay. James and I both want you to."
"I know, and it means a lot to me."
"But you won't."
"You two deserve to have this time alone together."
Lily sighed. "Well, I don't want to argue about it again, but you do know, don't you, Remus, that you always have a home with us."
"Thank you." Remus picked up Lily's hand and squeezed it. "I'll be over often enough to make you sick of me, I'm sure. You know Padfoot has no sense of boundaries, and I'm sure he'll drag all of us into it."
"Sirius should learn to fend for himself," Lily snorted. "If he thinks I'm going to keep letting him pop over for breakfast every morning because he's too lazy to learn to make eggs properly, he's in for a rude awakening."
Remus laughed. "I'm sure he'll learn someday."
"Not likely. He'll just bully you into doing it for him. Are you...are you really going to move in with him?"
"I really am."
"You two seem to be getting on much better now," Lily said carefully.
"I suppose we are."
"I thought for a while that--well, I was worried about you. About what would happen. James told me, you know." Lily curled her legs up underneath her and plucked at the hem of her robe with nervous fingers.
"What?" Remus looked at her, eyes wide with shock.
"He told me what happened. Between him and Sirius. And you."
"I--" The revelation left Remus speechless. He couldn't fathom why Lily was telling him this now, the day before her wedding.
"Would you really have let him obliviate you?"
Despite the warmth of the day, Remus felt his skin pebble as he thought back on that night. He looked down at his hands, frowning. "Yes," he said reluctantly. "But I'm glad he didn't." Instead, he had healed the cut on Remus' cheek and had promised to take whatever Remus offered.
They looked at each other, mirrored pain in their eyes. "I'm sorry, Lily. I hoped you would never know because...because I wished I didn't."
"Don't. None of it was your fault."
"Sometimes I wish it was."
"What do you mean?"
"I told Sirius once, jokingly, that I liked him because I could always feel morally superior."
Despite herself, Lily laughed.
"I know what you mean."
"Exactly. Only, it's not funny when everyone believes it."
Lily nodded, their mutual understanding going beyond the need for words. Finally, she smiled and Remus' eyed her warily.
"What's that look for?"
"We could lower ourselves to their level."
"Lily."
"Don't be coy, Remus."
Remus laughed, mainly in disbelief. "I'm not, but...are you serious?"
"Maybe just a kiss, then. A real one. I'm willing to bet they're both watching from the house. Sirius never takes his eyes off you if he can help it these days."
After a moment, a grin of devious proportions, intimately familiar only to James and Sirius and Peter, crossed Remus' face. She read his acceptance and leaned forward at the same time he did. Eventually, they pulled away rather breathless.
"Wow."
"That was quite a snog, Remus."
"I quite agree."
They laughed, and Remus pushed to his feet, offering a hand to Lily. "Shall we head inside?"
With Lily tucked against his side, they walked sedately back toward the house.
"Are you going to have him back then?"
Remus smiled, feeling lighter than he had in months. "Yes. I think I will."
They watched as the back door slammed open and James and Sirius bounded down the steps to meet them. Things were much better now. They'd learned from their mistakes. He would move in with Sirius. He would have him back. And nothing would come between them again.
Title: Your Heart on the Line
Prompt: #037 Submitted by: deathjunke
Pairing: Remus/Sirius, Sirius/James
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: drinking, adult language, explicit sexual encounters, cheating
Word Count: PartII: 8757, Total: 17,071
Summary: Things aren't always simple, but they're always there for each other.
Notes: Title from Little Lion Man by Mumford and Sons.
Five.
"Come on. Have another one, Moony."
Whiskey-scented breath wafted over his face as Sirius slung an arm around his neck and leaned in closer. James sat at one of the coveted corner tables with Lily, snogging behind a large potted plant. Sirius was pointedly avoiding even looking in that direction. Peter had disappeared with his date.
"I was thinking of heading back to the castle," Remus protested weakly. Sirius had been loud and boisterous all evening, exuding a forced jollity that made Remus ache for him and want to get away at the same time.
"Just one for the road, then." Sirius turned pleading eyes on Remus, which dissolved any resistance he might have had. "And I'll go back with you."
Remus nodded, wincing as Sirius clapped him heartily on the back.
"Good man!"
Sirius dragged him over to the bar and ordered another two shots of firewhiskey.
"Cheers."
Remus had had enough already that the liquid went down his throat smoothly, and Sirius certainly had no problems downing his glass.
"Another?"
Remus steeled himself against the wheedling tone and shook his head.
"Let's head back now or you won't be fit to walk."
"Right, right." Sirius swayed. "Lead on, Mr. Moony."
"I think we'd better take the tunnel. If McGonagall gets a whiff of you she'll go spare."
Sirius snickered as he followed Remus out.
"McGonagall would love to have a whiff of me, Remus."
His eye roll was wasted in the dim light of the tunnel, but Remus did it anyway.
"I'm sure."
His lumos gave them enough light to walk without stumbling. Sirius didn't bother lighting his own wand. He just stayed abreast of Remus along the narrow path, so that their elbows and shoulders bumped as they walked.
"This tunnel used to be a lot bigger."
Remus laughed.
"Remember when the four of us could fit under Prongs' cloak?"
"Glory days," Sirius said, assuming a deliberately maudlin tone.
"God, I hope not. Please tell me hexing Snape's robe pink back when we were eleven wasn't the zenith of my existence."
"Maybe not," Sirius laughed. "Only time will tell."
"I think I've had one or two experiences since then that have surpassed that."
"Oh? Like what, then?"
"You and James and Peter becoming animagi for one."
Sirius flashed him a pleased grin that made Remus feel warm all over.
"That was rather ace."
Sirius transformed to Padfoot and raced ahead then turned to bark playfully at Remus, tongue lolling out in a comic manner. Remus shook his head and laughed but took off running after him. Padfoot barked and made off down the tunnel again.
It was Sirius waiting for him at the end as breathless as Remus was, and they hunched over laughing and gasping for air. After they got their breath back, they slipped into the castle.
"Let's not go back to the tower yet. I've got a bottle stashed in one of the abandoned classrooms."
Against his better judgement Remus agreed.
Sirius let Remus handle the locking charms while he transfigured a bench into a long sofa, and then he threw himself on it in a languid sprawl of limbs and summoned the hidden bottle to his hand.
"What is that?" Remus shoved Sirius' legs aside and sat down.
"Ogden's Finest." Sirius took a swig then offered the bottle to Remus.
"Ta," Remus said then coughed after the swallow. "Merlin, Padfoot. Ogden's Finest my arse. What is this swill?"
Sirius just sniggered, and Remus took other drink before passing it back. He closed his eyes and leaned into the cushions.
"Remus."
"What?"
He heard the bottle clink on the floor and two loud thuds, Sirius' boots coming off probably, and then Sirius climbed over his lap and straddled him. Remus' eyes flew open.
"Can I fuck you, Moony?"
"Sirius."
"Don't say no," Sirius murmured into the shell of Remus' ear.
"I--I don't think it's a good idea." All of a sudden his heart was going fast enough to make the blood pound in his ears.
"Please. I just--I need this. I need this, Remus." His fingers began to slide down Remus' chest, plucking at the buttons of his shirt but not popping them yet. Sirius leaned back to lock eyes with him.
Remus couldn't breathe.
"You fancy me don't you?" Sirius whispered. His tongue darted out to wet his lips. "James said he thought you might."
"James did?" The words are less of a question than a restatement of what Sirius had said.
Sirius nodded, reaching up to rub his thumb against the furrow between Remus' brow.
"Do you? Do you fancy me?"
Remus didn't answer. He just swallowed and looked away, pressing his hands against Sirius' chest.
"I think we should go back now. You're drunk and..."
"Not that drunk," Sirius insisted. "Not enough." He pulled one of Remus' hands from his chest and pressed it between his legs. "Feel how much I want you."
Remus took a ragged breath and looked back at Sirius, caught by the unhappiness and ache he saw in his eyes.
"I need you. Please, Remus."
Before Remus could think of another excuse, Sirius pressed a kiss to his mouth, and Remus parted his lips letting Sirius slip his tongue inside. Sirius' fingers were working again, pulling Remus' shirt open and off his shoulders and moving back down to smooth over his chest.
Remus only struggled with himself for a moment. It was Sirius, and this was what he'd always wanted.
"Yeah," Sirius breathed. "That's it, Moony."
He deepened the kiss, and Remus strained up against him and carded his hands in Sirius' smooth hair. Sirius hands were everywhere, touching, stroking, undoing Remus' belt and flies.
When Sirius snaked a warm hand into his pants, Remus inhaled sharply through his nose as his cock filled and thickened.
Then, Sirius slid down to the floor to pull off Remus' shoes and socks and drag his trousers and pants away with impatient tugs. He stood and peeled off his jeans and pants in one go, tossing them in a careless heap, and not bothering to pull off his T-shirt before he was back on top of Remus and pushing him down onto the cushions to kiss him again. Remus' shirt was still hanging off of him, trapped around his elbows underneath his back, but Sirius didn't keep him there for long.
"Roll over," he murmured against Remus' throat.
Remus struggled back up and pulled his shirt the rest of the way off, nervously watching Sirius digging in his discarded jeans for his wand. Sirius looked at him and grinned.
"You look terrified. Come here." He pulled Remus down to the floor with him and kissed him again. They were kneeling face to face, and as Sirius pulled him close their cocks brushed together, making Remus gasp against Sirius' mouth. He could feel Sirius smile even as they kept kissing, and Sirius made it happen again, thrusting his hips easily toward Remus.
"I really want to fuck you." Sirius pulled back to look at him, and Remus tried not to think about why this was happening now.
He nodded and was immediately rewarded by one of Sirius' spine melting smiles. Heat twisted down to coil in his belly as Sirius moved behind him and pushed gently on his shoulder until Remus was positioned on his hands and knees. Remus' erection hung heavily between his legs, and he wasn't sure he'd ever been this hard in his life even though he felt awkward and exposed and inadequate next to Sirius' flawless good looks.
Almost as if he had read Remus' thoughts, Sirius spoke with an intimate pitch to his voice that made Remus shiver. "You look good like this, Moony."
He whispered a spell that made Remus jolt, then Sirius pressed a soothing hand to the small of his back. "Shh. Take it easy."
A warm finger stroked between the cheeks of his arse and then it was pushing inside, slowly but relentlessly. Remus couldn't help tensing up, it was such a strange feeling.
"Relax, Moony." Sirius bent forward to mouth kisses across his shoulder and the nape of his neck, and Remus felt himself go warm and liquid, almost beginning to like it. "That's it," Sirius praised, but then he withdrew his finger only to press two inside this time, and Remus fought against the urge to go rigid.
He could feel Sirius' breath coming now in faster little pants across his shoulders.
"God, you're so tight."
His fingers thrust erratically inside Remus' arse, sloppy movements that made Remus drop his head and squeeze his eyes shut to block out the discomfort. You survive a monthly transformation that hurts a hundred times worse, he told himself. You can handle this. His arms were trembling, though, as he braced himself against the stone floor and tried to breathe out the tension in his body.
"Fuck, are you...are you good?"
Remus nodded again, hissing in temporary relief as the fingers withdrew, but then Sirius was nudging the head of his cock against Remus' hole, just breaching the tight ring of muscle with a firm but shallow push. His hands settled on Remus' arse to spread him wider. Remus bit down on his bottom lip hard, swallowing the grunts of pain that lodged in his throat as Sirius pushed his way deeper.
Sirius was making enough noise for both of them, groaning as his hips met Remus' arse. He pulled back and thrust again, sending Remus rocking forward with a little cry. His hand tightened around Remus' hips and he tugged him back in time with his thrusts. Remus bit his lip again, determined not to make another humiliating sound like that.
His own erection was flagging, but Sirius was pounding into him with urgency. He started breathing very fast, each breath coming in little short pants that made him almost sound like Padfoot. It could almost have made Remus laugh, if it wasn't such a disturbing thought to have in that moment.
One last thrust sent Remus sharply forward again, and his elbows and knees buckled as Sirius collapsed over him with a long, low groan.
"Brilliant," Sirius slurred into the side of Remus' neck.
Remus rested his cheek on the cold floor, content for the moment to feel Sirius' heart pounding against his back and his breathing gradually slow and even out.
"Sirius?" Remus whispered. He wriggled a little.
"Oh, bloody hell."
A soft snuffling, snore tickled Remus' ear.
A few hours later Sirius woke with a start. He sat up to take in his surroundings, eyes going wide as he noticed Remus sitting on the huge window ledge, dangling a cigarette over his knee and looking out of the arched window. He was wearing only his trousers and his shirt, though it was unbuttoned and hanging off his shoulders.
"Remus?"
Remus turned his head. "Oh, you're awake finally."
"Yeah." Sirius scrubbed at his head sheepishly. "Sorry, I..."
"'S'okay." Remus leaned his head back and took a drag off his cigarette.
"Got another one of those?"
Remus tossed him the pack and watched as Sirius lit one for himself. After a moment, he stood up, apparently unconcerned about his nudity, and made Remus budge over so he could sit next to him on the window seat. They smoked in silence for several moments.
"That was your first time, wasn't it?"
Remus winced. He had half thought Sirius would pretend nothing had happened, or perhaps would have genuinely forgotten, given what he'd had to drink, but this head on confrontation or whatever it was had to be worse.
"I'm an arse," Sirius groaned. "An utter, gigantic, selfish arse."
That made Remus laugh, because honestly, it was true and everyone knew it.
"This is news?"
Sirius gave him a look, though, that made Remus look away and shake his head. "Don't, Sirius. I was willing in case you forgot."
"Yes, but, God, I was complete pants."
Remus shot him an incredulous look. "So you're all worked up because of your ego?"
"No! I just...I was so impatient and rough with you. All I could think about was..." He made a small sound of disgust. "Fuck, I barely prepared you. I hurt you, didn't I?"
"It wasn't bad."
Sirius snorted. "You're lying. You know I can always tell when you are."
"Yet here I am all in one piece to fight another day."
"Idiot." Sirius scowled. "It shouldn't have been like that."
"What? You mean you don't usually fall asleep on your sex partner thirty seconds after you've come?"
"Fuck," Sirius dropped his head and groaned. "Did I really?"
"I'm afraid so."
After a moment, Sirius stubbed his cigarette out and flicked it away. "Do you hate me?"
"Quite often."
"I'm serious!"
Remus sighed. "You know I don't hate you. Don't be ridiculous."
"You should," Sirius said broodingly.
Remus took a final drag of his fag and ground it against the stone, then he offered Sirius a tight grin.
"At least I won't die a virgin."
That startled a laugh out of Sirius, and Remus laughed, too.
"I could make it up to you."
"Oh?"
"Yeah. Well, if I haven't put you off sex completely, we could give it another go."
"What, now?"
"Yes, I'm...well, much more sober than I was before anyway."
Remus looked back at him doubtfully.
"I'd like to. I mean--if you would." Sirius flicked the hair out of his eyes to look at Remus and gave him an disconcertingly unsure smile. "Give me a chance to make it good for you."
Remus looked down at his knees. "You don't have to--"
"I want to, Remus." He nudged Remus' leg with his own. "Honestly."
When Remus didn't say anything Sirius slid off the ledge and moved in between Remus' legs, sliding the palms of his hands slowly up Remus' thighs. He didn't miss the catch in Remus' breath, nor the look in his eyes when Remus finally looked up at him. When Sirius smiled and leaned into kiss him, Remus didn't resist this time either.
Six.
"All unpacked, Moony?"
James lounged against the doorframe, grinning down at Remus.
"Just about, only need to get these books sorted."
"Oh, leave those and come outside with me for a bit. It's a brilliant day for a fly."
"All right, then."
Remus grabbed his broom and followed James out onto the back lawn. The last time he'd looked out on this vista had been during Mrs. Potter's wake, and he knew James' thoughts must be running along the same vein because he looked uncharacteristically solemn for a moment. It had to be not only heart breaking but strange to look over your childhood domain and realize that you were the head of the family now.
"Has Lily got settled in with Alice?"
James looked grateful for the diversion. "She's over the moon about the flat. We're invited to a house warming Saturday next, so keep the date free."
"I'll be sure to clear my social calendar," Remus said dryly.
"Moony," James laughed. "Now that we're roommates again, we'll make you the belle of the ball."
"I can hardly wait."
"So how was your leave taking? Did your mum pinch your cheeks and fuss over you and make you promise to write everyday?" James smirked and slung an arm around Remus' shoulders as they walked out onto the lawn.
"Fine. No, yes, and yes. I'm also to take tea with her every Sunday. You've a standing invitation as well, by the way."
"Jolly!"
"My mum is quite fond of you for some reason. She thinks you're a fine upstanding gentleman. I tried to set her right, but she wasn't having it."
James chortled. "What does she think of Padfoot and Wormtail?"
Remus snorted. "She thinks Padfoot is a hooligan. I think it was the motorcycle boots that put her off. That and his mouth. The last time she saw him was right after fuck became his new favorite swear word, and he kept forgetting and using it in front of her."
"Ha ha! Brilliant. Padfoot is a hooligan, of course. Discerning woman, your mum." They both snickered.
"And Peter, well..." Remus continues. "Don't you dare tell him this, but she thinks he's a bit...smarmy."
They didn't meet each other's eyes, but Remus knew James was making as much of an effort as he was to keep his mouth from twitching into a broad grin. Peter could be a little too fawning at times, even though it'd be the height of disloyalty to say it out loud.
"Shall we?" James stepped away and straddled his broom, obviously using that as an excuse to smile widely.
"Sure."
Remus got on his broom a little less gracefully, but readily enough. They kicked off and Remus followed James in looping circles over the lawn. Without warning, James leaned forward and shot off with a burst of speed.
"Try and keep up if you can!"
Remus laughed and followed James as he darted between trees and over the small lake in the far corner of the property. Their toes skimmed the water sending up white spray on either side of them, and then James was climbing again, higher than Remus usually went. His broom wasn't as nice or new as James' but Remus held on, steadying it with his grip until he was side by side with James.
"Ready?" James's grin was full of anticipation.
Remus nodded and they both plunged down on a straight path, whooping with exhilaration, until they had to even out, streaking bare feet above the expanse of green grass.
"You're not half bad on a broom, really," James said when they'd climbed off.
"Thanks," Remus said dryly.
James laughed and punched his shoulder. They rested their brooms against the porch railing and Remus steeled himself for the conversation he knew James would try to brush off.
"Listen, James."
"Yeah?" James looked at him curiously.
"I just wanted to say thanks...for having me here. It's very--"
Shut it, Moony." James waved his hand dismissively. "Manly bachelor pad here, don't you know? No soppy girl talk allowed."
"Right." Remus nodded. "Manly. Quite."
James nodded back briskly. "Herein there will be much consumption of firewhiskey and leaving about of dirty socks and a life of general dissoluteness."
"Well, in that vein..." Remus pulled an envelope out of his pocket and held it out toward James. "Here's a little something to keep the firewhiskey flowing. It's not much, but I've been getting some work doing odd jobs around--"
"I'm not taking that, Remus." James was staring at him with a mulish look on his face that Remus knew only too well.
"You have to take it." Remus tried to keep his voice even and matter of fact.
"I'm not," James insisted. "It's yours and I--I don't want you to think of yourself as a guest here or my tenant for fuck's sake. It's your home now, too."
"James, listen..."
"No! You listen to me, Remus. I'm not taking that, not when--" He frowned, his hand raking through his hair in an automatic gesture. "It's okay to have something--to do something for yourself once in a while."
"This is for myself. Fuck, James. I never want to be a burden for anyone. Hell, I'd dig my own grave if I could. And this, this is nothing. Not enough to--"
"Bollocks, Moony."
Remus is thankful that James is being so belligerent. This scene would have been unbearable if he had gone all solemn and kind about things.
"You're working for the Order just the same as the rest of us. You've no more time than we do for outside jobs, no matter how creative you are about finding shit work to do and fitting it in between Order assignments. It'd be different if you could have a real job, something you wanted to do."
"It's honest work, James." Remus bristled.
"It may be, but you're wearing yourself out doing it. Don't say you aren't."
"Peter has a job!"
"Peter!" James said scathingly. "Because his mum would have fits if he didn't. And he's only working in his uncle's shop and taking time off whenever he likes."
They were both glaring at each other now. Remus looked away first and swallowed.
"Look James, it's just--"
But James had got a grip on his shoulders and was looking straight into Remus' eyes. "You would do the same for me, wouldn't you? If the situation was reversed?"
And Remus didn't have an answer to that which would help his cause, so he just stared back silently.
"You're one of my best friends. You and Peter and Sirius and Lily--you're all the family I have left. Family take care of each other."
Remus chewed on his bottom lip, staring down at the envelope in his hand. Finally, he looked up and gave James a small grin.
"If Sirius is your brother, does that make me the deadbeat cousin everyone avoids at family dinners, then?"
James laughed and pulled him into a hug. "You're my brother, as well, daft git."
"Oi! There you are. What's all this?"
The porch door slammed shut behind Sirius and Peter, and James released Remus to smirk at them.
"Who let you lot in?"
"We let ourselves in as you're such a shit host." Sirius sauntered over and Peter waved at Remus.
Remus shoved the envelope back into his pocket as James and Sirius engaged in the horseplay that usually passed for a greeting to them.
"Hello, Peter. Did you come on the motorbike?"
"Yes." Peter leaned in and lowered his voice. "It's the last time, too. Sirius is absolutely barking on that thing."
"His sense of self-preservation does leave something to be desired."
"What sense of self-preservation?"
They snickered, then Peter pointed at Remus' shoes.
"You're trainers are leaking, mate."
"Yeah, I'll go change them. My socks are soggy, too. Back in a moment."
He toed off his shoes and carried them up the stairs, opening the window and setting them on the sill to dry when he got to his room. Even though his books were still in his trunk it did look like his; pictures of the four of them on the desk, his quilt in Gryffindor colors on the bed. He sat on the edge of it and pulled his damp socks off, tossing them in the corner. There. Even better. He was smiling as Sirius burst into the room, slamming the door behind him.
"You didn't even say hello."
"I was coming right back and neither did you."
Sirius folded his arms across his chest and regarded Remus belligerently.
"What was all that?"
"All what?"
"Outside. You and James."
Confused, Remus stared up Sirius, mouth slightly open. "What are you talking about?"
"Do you fancy James?"
"What?"
"You heard me."
"No! Merlin, Sirius. Have you gone mad?"
"You seemed awfully cozy."
"Oh, for--you think I'm daft enough to move in with James and then fuck everything up by making some ridiculous move on him? Even if I did fancy him, I wouldn't be stupid enough to act on it."
"You don't think he'd be interested in you?"
"Of course I don't!"
Sirius stared at him with a sharp look for a long moment before relaxing his stance and giving Remus a wicked grin.
"What would you say if I told you we thought about asking you to join us a time or two back at school?"
Remus snorted. "That you both always said you try anything once, and that I guess I missed my window of opportunity considering he's practically engaged to Lily."
Sirius launched himself onto the bed, leaving Remus sprawled backward underneath a squirming pile of a nearly six foot eighteen year old boy.
"Fuck, Sirius! You weigh a ton. Get off."
"My thoughts exactly." Sirius hovered over him, amused by Remus' attempts to push him away.
"What? God." Remus shoved at Sirius' chest. "James and Peter are downstairs waiting."
"So?"
"Sirius!"
"I'll make it quick."
"Is that supposed to be selling me?"
Sirius laughed. "Come on. I'll blow you--quick and dirty."
"You've been spending too much time at the clubs."
Sirius ignored this to slide down and tug at Remus' zipper and pull his jeans and pants down with a sharp tug. Without preamble, he grabbed Remus' cock and sank his mouth over it. Remus groaned. Sirius smiled around his mouthful as no more protests were forthcoming, his free hand worked his own cock free of his jeans.
Sirius gave the cock in his mouth a hard suck, making Remus roll his hips up and hiss. "Fuck".
Remus wasn't given any respite. Sirius kept his motions fast and rough, working Remus' shaft relentlessly while fisting his own cock just as roughly. He dug his fingers into the quilt on the verge of coming, then Sirius' thumb circled underneath his balls and plumped them up against the base of his cock as he squeezed rhythmically. Remus' hips rolled up again, shoving his cock deeper into Sirius' mouth as he climaxed. Sirius' arm jerked faster and a few seconds later he was coming too, moaning around Remus' softening prick.
After a moment, he pulled away and wiped the back of his hand across his mouth, sporting a self-satisfied smirk as he crawled back up Remus.
"Hello."
Seven.
The air in the flat smelled stale and musty, giving evidence of Sirius' prolonged absence since he'd made himself at home in Remus' bed at James'. Sirius was still manic despite the amount of alcohol he'd consumed that evening. He paced restlessly around the room while Remus shoved open the windows. Remus knew that despite the fact that the engagement had been a foregone conclusion for months, the official announcement and party still had hit Sirius like a sucker punch no matter how he hid it.
"Do you want to go out?"
"Out?" Sirius jerked around and looked at him, jittery hands fluttering up to his hair and combing through it. "No, let's just go to bed."
Go to bed meant fuck, of course, not that Remus had any complaints about it. He had Sirius on his hands and knees, working him open slowly and thoroughly to give him something else to think about other than the private celebration James and Lily were probably having right about then, and then pounding into him as hard as Sirius was begging for. They were both slick with sweat and trembling when Sirius came, groaning out a name with a sibilant hiss.
Belly cold, Remus fucked Sirius forward into the mattress, his fingers digging into Sirius' hips. He came silently and slumped heavily over Sirius' back. After only a moment, he eased away and onto his pillow, staring up at the ceiling and letting his breath even out. Sirius didn't move from where he was sprawled until Remus sat up and started to swing his legs off the bed.
Fingers wrapped around his wrist. "Where are you going?"
"Loo."
"Are you coming back?"
"Do you want me to?" Remus asked carefully.
Suddenly, Remus was flat on his back and Sirius was on top, kissing him with a desperate sort of intensity that Remus didn't know how to handle. Sirius wasn't giving him any choice, though.
"Remus," he murmured over and over in between the desperate kisses, as if it would erase the other name.
When they were hard again, Sirius fucked him this time, looking into Remus' eyes the whole time and finally falling asleep wrapped around him tightly despite the heat of the room. Only after his sleep was deep and dreamless did Remus untangle himself from Sirius' limbs and roll away.
Nothing was said in the morning, and a few days later Sirius followed Remus back to James'. Lily was a regular presence now, and Sirius gradually learned to stop calling her Evans and to have the occasional conversation with her that didn't end in sniping. Peter stopped by every couple of days, and it was almost like being back at Hogwarts.
Even their responsibilities for the order slacked off for a time, and it was almost like the war had never existed. In reality, it was the calm before the storm. Later, Remus would look back and realize it was their last gasp of their childhood, for all that they had thought they were so grown up then.
James and Lily planned their wedding, and Remus began quietly to consider his options for moving out. James' generosity was unbounded, but Remus wasn't going to intrude on a newly married couple no matter what they said. He'd have his plans made before he spoke to James about it. It was the only way to avoid a scene, or as much of one anyway.
Before he had a chance to work things out Sirius came to him.
"I was thinking, Moony."
Sirius had a slightly nervous air, which was somewhat unsettling, but his usual grin was in place as he sat on the arm of the chair where Remus was reading the paper.
"Yes?"
"I reckon once James and Evans are hitched you might want to give them their space for a bit. So I was thinking you might as well move in with me. You're there as often as you are here these days anyway, and, well, I'd like it if you would."
He finished this speech with a lift of his eyebrows and watched Remus expectantly.
Of course Remus had thought about it, perhaps had secretly hoped that Sirius might suggest it, but now that it was happening he was having a difficult time accepting it. He wasn't even sure exactly what Sirius was offering.
"You really want to be roommates," he asked cautiously.
"Fuck no." Sirius snorted. "Roommates, I ask you."
Remus flushed.
"Remus," Sirius talked as if he speaking to an exceedingly slow child. "I'm asking you to shack up. You and me. Like we've been doing for quite some time in case you hadn't noticed, only not so officially."
"So we'd be officially shacking up then?" He knew Sirius could detect the faint tease in his voice though Remus kept his face straight.
"Now you're getting it." Sirius' mouth twitched up at the corners.
"I wouldn't be...cramping your style?"
Sirius heaved a sigh, but had the grace to look a little chagrined. "Who I have been with practically every night over the past six months? You're not cramping anything."
Remus couldn't help the glow of pleasure the declaration brought him and he found himself smiling warmly at Sirius. "All right, then."
James took the news with good grace but insisted that Remus stay until after the wedding.
"Someone's got to keep me company until then."
Remus gladly obliged until Dumbledore's tasks finally took a more serious turn, and he was entrusted with his first solo task that didn't involve strictly research, one to which he was uniquely suited. He came home from a meeting with Dumbledore jittery and apprehensive to find James and Sirius playing Exploding Snap in the middle of the sitting room floor.
"I'm not regrowing your eyebrows for you again this week, Prongs, so I hope you like the hairless look."
James and Sirius looked up and grinned.
"I'll do it for him." Sirius smiled wickedly and pointed his wand in the general vicinity of James' head.
"As if I'd ever let you get near me with a hair growth charm again." He batted the wand away. "Anyway, Moony talks tough, but we all know he would never turn his back on a mate in need."
"Quite the vote of confidence, James, but I'm afraid you'll have to shift for yourself because I've got a task to do for Dumbledore, and he wants me leave tonight."
That got both of their attention.
"What? Where are you going?" Sirius demanded.
"I'm not supposed to talk about the details."
"You can't even tell us?" James asked indignantly.
Remus shook his head.
"How long will you be away." Sirius was scowling.
"A week, maybe two."
They both exclaimed, and Sirius spat out a curse. "What does he have you doing? Is it dangerous?"
"No." Most probably it wasn't anyway. "And I told you, I can't really say what I'm doing but...he needs me to gather some information." Which was true as far as it went, more or less.
"Oh, more research." Sirius said dismissively. "Does Dumbledore think we're going to beat Voldemort by reading through musty scrolls?"
"Are you sure it's not dangerous, Moony?" James, who could sometimes be uncannily perceptive, was watching him closely.
"You're asking this of the bloke who regularly rides on the back of Padfoot's bike? Compared to that it's nothing."
Everyone laughed, and the tension eased up for the few hours Remus had before he was to meet Dumbledore for his final instructions.
"Take care of yourself, Moony." Sirius pulled him into an embrace and kissed him soundly before stepping back to let Remus grab a handful of floo powder. "Hurry back."
Eight.
The debriefing with Dumbledore and Moody was exhausting, not to mention the several days preceding it, and with it only two nights before the full moon Remus was ready to kiss the door of James' house when he finally apparated to the front entry and waved his wand to allow him to slip past the wards and into the house. The foyer was dark but he could see light flickering from the sitting room doorway, and the sound of low voices filtered down the hall.
He dropped his bag on the floor and went to join them. The beginnings of a smile turned the corners of his mouth up as he placed bets with himself on whether they were having another game of Exploding Snap or working on their second bottle of firewhiskey.
"Padfoot! Prongs! I'm back."
A loud thud and the sound of Sirius swearing made his eyebrows lift into his fringe and he turned the corner curiously.
"What are you--"
For a frozen moment, Remus took in the scene. I was right about the firewhiskey, he thought, staring at the growing puddle on the rug in front of the fireplace. There weren't any cards strewn about the floor, though, only discarded jeans and shirts and the ridiculous boxers Lily had gotten James that were covered in rudely gesturing cornish pixies. Sirius, of course, never wore pants under his jeans.
He wanted not to see James and Sirius, but their dark hair and pale skin and long limbs seemed to be everywhere, permanently searing the image onto his inner lids. The wall sconces to either side of him shattered and a shard grazed Remus' cheek. Blood trickled in a thin line down his face.
"I--I'm sorry."
He took a step back, then another, hit the frame of the doorway and staggered. He just needed to get outside the house and then he could Apparate. Drowned in treacle is what it felt like as he turned and walked down the hall faster and faster, but still in what seemed like slow motion.
James and Sirius were shouting his name, scrambling off the floor and Remus scrabbled for the doorknob. He could hear them chasing him down the hallway. Why? Why, really? A laugh bubbled up in his chest and lodged there, leaving an uncomfortable lump.
Fresh air hit him as the door swung open and he jumped the steps, looking over his shoulder to see Sirius launch himself forward. Remus pivoted on his heel as Sirius caught the fabric of his cloak. It spun away off Remus' shoulders, and the last thing he saw before the sickening swirl of Apparation took him was Sirius' wide, grey eyes.
The Shrieking Shack was the same, with perhaps a thicker layer of dust, but the broken furniture, the blood stains, the rotting fabrics were as familiar as the back of his hand. Remus had spent the past hour casting Lumos and Nox, cupping the tip of his wand in his palm and watching the light outline his bones and veins in a muted red glow. He thought about staying, strengthening the old wards and adding new ones that would keep out James and Sirius for the time being and during his transformation. Even their sharp minds combined weren't up to the task of unraveling his wards so quickly.
He couldn't afford to think they wouldn't find him. They would check his mum's place, and he only hoped they didn't worry her too badly. They would check Sirius' flat and Peter's and maybe Order Headquarters, and when they didn't find him at any of those places they would realize that the Shrieking Shack really was the logical choice given the time of month.
He thought about enduring the moon alone, and the pang of loneliness and grief that swept over him left him sick and trembling. Since Hogwarts they'd run free together on James' grounds every full. He didn't want to lose his friends. He couldn't. And they'd done so very much for him, hadn't they? Surely, he could get past this.
But Remus wasn't ready to go back there yet. Instead, he sat in the innermost room of the shack and tried picturing a life without them until he couldn't bear it any longer and facing them seemed the lesser of two evils. For once, he wished the moon would come early along with the oblivion the wolf gave him, but it was still two nights away, so Remus gathered himself and Apparated back to James' house.
This time was James sitting on the edge of the sofa, hunched over with his hands in his hair. Sirius was pacing back and forth in front of the fireplace. They didn't notice Remus until he spoke.
"Hello."
James' head jerked up, and Sirius whirled around to gape at him.
"Remus!" James cried, on his feet and taking an involuntary step toward Remus, but then pulling up short. Both he and Sirius looked out of place in their bodies, like skittish animals afraid to come too close. They stared with wide, apprehensive eyes. Sirius' were red-rimmed, his face drawn and splotchy.
Shoving his hands into his pockets to hide their shaking, Remus looked past them and stared resolutely into the fire.
"I'm sorry I ran off. I was just so...taken by surprise, and I..." He took a deep breath to steady his voice, trying not to give away how close he was to losing his composure. "I just reacted."
"God, Moony," James said raggedly. "Don't apologize."
"I feel so stupid." The words came out of his mouth without emphasis, dull and banal. "I feel so stupid because I knew. I knew and I still--" His choked, self-loathing laugh made James and Sirius wince. "I behaved as if it was shocking that Sirius still wanted you."
"No, Remus I--"
Remus held up a hand and Sirius snapped his mouth shut, an anguished look on his face. "It's always been James. We all know that. It was my fault for hoping that...for misunderstanding what was--" He swallowed thickly. "What we were doing."
"No!" Sirius drew the word out like moan. "You didn't misunderstand. I--I was so stupid and I know I fucked up...again. But Remus you have to believe me, I want you, not James. I swear, I swear I'll make it up to you, prove to you--"
"You don't want James?" Remus laughed incredulously. "What I saw two hours ago pretty much puts paid to that ridiculous statement."
Sirius made some noise that sounded like a strangled sob, hitching a sharp breath and letting his head fall forward so that this hair fell forward and obscured his face.
"It was my fault." James stepped forward as if to shield Sirius, his voice was thick with guilt. "Lily and I had a fight and I--we had too much to drink. I pushed things, I kept pushing until--"
"Sirius doesn't do anything he doesn't want to." Remus said softly. "I can't be a substitute anymore. For a long time I thought I could but now...I just can't. I wanted to believe that after you and Lily were finally together that things might be different but..." He had to stop because he couldn't trust his voice.
"Remus," Sirius whispered, his voice cracking, begging for a chance. "Please. Let me--"
Remus looked up at James, interrupting. "I knew that you felt a lot more than what you ever admitted to as well, but I suppose I didn't think that after Lily you would...act on it."
James went white, looking, if possible, even more wracked with guilt than before.
"I'm so sorry, Remus. I was selfish. It won't ever happen again. I just...I think the idea of getting married and it all being so...permanent and you know how Lily and I can fight sometimes. I just lost my head a bit. I know it's not an excuse, but I...God, I am so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you ever."
Remus forced himself to meet James' eyes because it was easier than facing Sirius. "You've both done so much for me. Don't...don't think I forget that." He finally dragged his eyes to Sirius. "So...we'll put it behind us, can't we? Things will go back to how they were before. Just...just mates, all right?"
Something snapped inside Sirius because he threw himself at Remus, latching onto him with such fierceness that Remus reeled back, stumbling to keep his feet until his back fetched up against the wall. Sirius was sobbing into his neck, trying to form words but the only thing coming out was little hitching breaths and strangled syllables. His neck was wet and hot tears were dripping inside Remus' collar and wetting the shoulder of his shirt.
Something the size of a boulder lodged in Remus' throat. He couldn't breathe besides because Sirius was clutching onto to him so hard, trapping his arms at his sides and he couldn't take a full breath. A dizzying wave of adrenaline made him slump against the wall.
"Sirius," he said, his voice like a croak. "Don't."
"Can't," Sirius gasped. "Can't lose you."
Thy hysteria must have been catching because Remus couldn't disguise the tremor when he spoke. "We'll still be--"
"No!" Sirius buried his face into Remus' neck, shuddering hard. "Please. Please." Then his mouth was on Remus and he was planting desperate kisses on his lips, the corner of his mouth, his eyes, cheekbones, everywhere. That was what finally wrenched a sob from Remus, and he struggled to push Sirius away who only held on tighter, burying his face in Remus' hair this time.
"James." Remus implored him with eyes which were burning and held wide open to keep his own tears at bay. James looked back at him helplessly. Finally he stepped forward and gripped Sirius' shoulder.
"Sirius. Padfoot," he whispered brokenly. "Let go."
Sirius shook his head, jerking roughly away as James pulled inexorably trying to force him away from Remus.
"Remus. Please. I'll do anything."
Remus had to close his eyes in the face of Sirius' pleas, the anguished expression and tears turning Sirius' grey eyes dark and wounded. He pressed back against the wall and refused to see.
"Why do you always have to be like this? Everything a production. A drama. Why? You don't even mean any of it."
He cut off the sound of Sirius' protest with a vicious snarl. "You don't. Do you remember the first time we fucked? Why it happened? I do."
"Remus," Sirius whispered.
"The night of James' first date with Lily. You got drunk because you couldn't stand it, but I was there to provide a momentary distraction. Is it coming back to you? And what about their engagement party? Do you remember what happened that night? Whose name was it you called out when you came? Not mine. So don't make this out to be affecting you so much. I was convenient, that's all. You'll find someone easily enough to get whatever it was you got from me."
Sirius chest was heaving against his as he sobbed silently. James had stopped trying to pry him off and was standing behind them with round, horrified eyes. And Remus didn't know how they would ever fix any of this now.
Then Sirius was sliding to his knees in front of Remus. "Please. I'll--I'll make an Unbreakable Vow. To--to always be faithful."
James gasped, and Remus shrank against the wall, looking at Sirius with shock.
"Have you gone round the bend? I don't want--fuck, Sirius, you can't just play around with things like this."
"I'm not playing around. I mean it."
"No, Sirius."
The collapse of Sirius' expression nearly undid Remus. His heart felt as it was being squeezed in a giant fist. James looked torn, as if he didn't know, for once, what to advise or who to comfort.
Remus took a shuddering breath and shocked himself by what he uttered next.
"There's a different way if...if you want another chance."
Sirius stared up at him with a look of almost pathetic hope. "I'll do anything."
"Obliviate me."
James and Sirius gaped at him in utter shock.
"The last three hours. Just do it. Make it go away, never have happened and it can be like you want."
"Don't," Sirius said, almost a moan. "Don't ask me to do that. It's...it's a violation."
"It's that or..." Remus steeled himself against Sirius' desperate eyes, looking at James instead to get away from the intensity of emotion. James looked equally as horrified. "If you don't obliviate me, then..."
For several long moments no one spoke. Sirius slumped forward, his head resting against Remus' leg. Remus didn't push him away, he only waited silently for Sirius' decision, trying to resist the urge to sink his fingers into Sirius' hair.
Finally, Sirius rose to his feet, much more ungracefully than was his wont, and pulled out his wand to rest it against Remus' temple.
"I love you, Remus."
Nine.
Remus waved his wand at the pile of wood squares and watched them slot themselves into each other one by one until they formed the well-scuffed teak dance floor. The tents were next and the main pavilion and the tables and chairs. Everything had a beautiful view of the lake, and once Remus had cast the protective wards that would keep everything clean and safe during the night, he settled himself down in the middle of the floor and looked over the rolling green lawn, watching the sunlight glitter on the rippling water.
He sat lost in thought until the click of shoes behind him brought him back to the present. Lily smiled as she sat down beside him.
"Mind if I join you?"
"Not at all. Come to inspect my handiwork?" Remus grinned.
"No need. Now if it were James or Sirius in charge here..."
They laughed and Lily tucked her arm in Remus', leaning on his shoulder to gaze out at the water, too.
"Nervous?"
"A bit. And excited. It's strange because nothing is really going to change is it? But it feels so..."
"Final? Binding yourself to the particular brand of insanity that is James Potter?" Remus nodded, trying to keep his expression solemn. "A sobering thought indeed."
Lily giggled. "Something like that. I don't know how I ended up in love with the blithering idiot, but I am."
"I know." Remus turned to smile warmly at her. "He tends to grow on you like that."
"I am nervous about showing in my dress," she admitted quietly. "Do you think anyone will be able to tell? The things my sister would say--"
"That you're beautiful? And blessed? With a husband who has rather frightful hair, yes, but who doesn't look like a walrus? She'll be filled with envy."
Lily's laughter was full of pleasure, and Remus laughed with her. "You do look beautiful, Lily. Don't doubt it."
"You always make me feel better, Remus." Impulsively, she gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Thank you."
He just smiled and went back to staring at the water.
After a few moments, Lily cleared her throat. "I wish you would stay. James and I both want you to."
"I know, and it means a lot to me."
"But you won't."
"You two deserve to have this time alone together."
Lily sighed. "Well, I don't want to argue about it again, but you do know, don't you, Remus, that you always have a home with us."
"Thank you." Remus picked up Lily's hand and squeezed it. "I'll be over often enough to make you sick of me, I'm sure. You know Padfoot has no sense of boundaries, and I'm sure he'll drag all of us into it."
"Sirius should learn to fend for himself," Lily snorted. "If he thinks I'm going to keep letting him pop over for breakfast every morning because he's too lazy to learn to make eggs properly, he's in for a rude awakening."
Remus laughed. "I'm sure he'll learn someday."
"Not likely. He'll just bully you into doing it for him. Are you...are you really going to move in with him?"
"I really am."
"You two seem to be getting on much better now," Lily said carefully.
"I suppose we are."
"I thought for a while that--well, I was worried about you. About what would happen. James told me, you know." Lily curled her legs up underneath her and plucked at the hem of her robe with nervous fingers.
"What?" Remus looked at her, eyes wide with shock.
"He told me what happened. Between him and Sirius. And you."
"I--" The revelation left Remus speechless. He couldn't fathom why Lily was telling him this now, the day before her wedding.
"Would you really have let him obliviate you?"
Despite the warmth of the day, Remus felt his skin pebble as he thought back on that night. He looked down at his hands, frowning. "Yes," he said reluctantly. "But I'm glad he didn't." Instead, he had healed the cut on Remus' cheek and had promised to take whatever Remus offered.
They looked at each other, mirrored pain in their eyes. "I'm sorry, Lily. I hoped you would never know because...because I wished I didn't."
"Don't. None of it was your fault."
"Sometimes I wish it was."
"What do you mean?"
"I told Sirius once, jokingly, that I liked him because I could always feel morally superior."
Despite herself, Lily laughed.
"I know what you mean."
"Exactly. Only, it's not funny when everyone believes it."
Lily nodded, their mutual understanding going beyond the need for words. Finally, she smiled and Remus' eyed her warily.
"What's that look for?"
"We could lower ourselves to their level."
"Lily."
"Don't be coy, Remus."
Remus laughed, mainly in disbelief. "I'm not, but...are you serious?"
"Maybe just a kiss, then. A real one. I'm willing to bet they're both watching from the house. Sirius never takes his eyes off you if he can help it these days."
After a moment, a grin of devious proportions, intimately familiar only to James and Sirius and Peter, crossed Remus' face. She read his acceptance and leaned forward at the same time he did. Eventually, they pulled away rather breathless.
"Wow."
"That was quite a snog, Remus."
"I quite agree."
They laughed, and Remus pushed to his feet, offering a hand to Lily. "Shall we head inside?"
With Lily tucked against his side, they walked sedately back toward the house.
"Are you going to have him back then?"
Remus smiled, feeling lighter than he had in months. "Yes. I think I will."
They watched as the back door slammed open and James and Sirius bounded down the steps to meet them. Things were much better now. They'd learned from their mistakes. He would move in with Sirius. He would have him back. And nothing would come between them again.