Visual Dreams [1/2]
Title: Visual Dreams
Fandoms: SHINee, SNSD
Rating: PG-13 to M
Characters: Onew, Hyoyeon, Jonghyun, Key
WARNING: mentions of mental illness, violence
Disclaimer: The events portrayed in this story are purely fictional and do not reflect on the actual people written about.
Summary:
Onew is a scientist who builds android slaves. Disenchanted with his work, Onew seeks fulfillment with a society of anti-android rebels, but as the mistakes of his past come back to haunt him, reality begins to come undone and Onew is forced to question his own humanity.
Thursday evening
I was about to launch into another one of my nightly reflective exercises, but I was interrupted by the sound of my phone. I answered it without thinking to check the caller, but I wasn't surprised to hear a childish voice gasping and calling to me. "Jin-ki, Jin-ki!" it says, since that's all it ever says.
I need to change my number. I'll remember to get on to that tomorrow.
Tonight was a good night for exercises otherwise. My therapist gave me a whole list of the ones I should start working over, and I made some good progress. Physical exercises are good, but the mental ones are important too. The therapist says I need to be more positive in my mental environment, and so encouraged me to write better things in my diaries.
So that's what I am trying to do! See, I said tonight was a good night for exercises... but then I got interrupted by that damn phone call! So I haven't been entirely positive, but how can I be, when I still have that psycho girl-child on my back? I haven't gotten around to telling the therapist about her yet, but when I do, she will have a field day. Therapists love that dark past sort of stuff, especially if the patient is crazy, but I guess I am only depressed.
Today work was as it usually is. Tiring, but at least I am on target with the project.
An incident occurred after lunch. When I left the building, I forgot to take my access card with me and I was locked out when I returned. I called the office and Seo-hyun appeared at the balcony, lowering my card down to me with a length of cord. It wasn't quite long enough and I had to leap in order to grab it. Jong-hyun appeared behind her on the balcony, a smug look on his stupid face. I don't think I'll be hearing the end of this incident any time soon.
Jong-hyun's been on my back a lot lately. I think it's because I was invited to go out with the supervisors and managers but he wasn't. He thinks he's better than me, smarter than me, but I get all the privileges just because I am a year older. Maybe he's right.
I didn't enjoy going out with the supervisors anyway. I'm never good at handling myself around superiors, and these ones are particularly difficult. They're scientists sure, but mostly they're madmen. We talk about the project, and I get hammered with questions, then they go off and get drunk and discuss their wild theories with each other, and you have to agree with them on everything, or else you shouldn't even be there. Jong-hyun should have been there, not me.
Now I'm writing this here, in my private diary, because I don't think I can tell anyone else. Well, I know I can't tell anyone else, because it would probably get me fired.
I am getting sick of the project.
There I said it! I know I was meant to write positive things, but that felt wonderful. Actually, I should cross it out, someone could read this. No, I won't cross it. I don't even care anymore!
When I was at university I thought I could change the world. It's the overconfident narcissism of youth, but all the same I had some passion. I wanted to study science so that I could help people, help the world. I studied genetics so that I could understand people and make people better. For a while that's what I thought I was doing. The androids are meant to be better people, perfect people, more perfect and real than any real person could ever be. Like everybody else, I look down on human imperfection, and I thought that this could be a good thing, but the more I think about it now, the more perverted it becomes.
Either I've been thinking about it too much or I've been thinking about it in the wrong way. The supervisors are full of ideas. The other night Dr. Oh was postulating with me, one hand holding a glass and the other on my back, and he said, "Listen Onew, we have great possibilities. We've already created computers with the power to discover things that the human brain could never uncover. Why couldn't we create an android with the ability to think of things that the human mind has never conceived?"
But I don't like to think about that. Why create an android more intelligent than a human? They are supposed to be slaves.
Besides, we are not interested in creating intelligent androids. We are doing the exact opposite, creating dream girls, with the bodies of a woman in sexual prime and the mind and dependency of someone much younger. Need I remind myself as to why I am sour over these objectives? I don't need to remind myself, because she reminds me every night over the phone.
It doesn't matter what I think about it though. We're not supposed to like it, we're supposed to do it because it makes the company a lot of money. How can it be our fault if so many people want to buy these femme-bot androids?
Still, it gives me a bad feeling. We have almost finished the face of the latest android. It needs a higher forehead and a little more fat in the cheeks, and then it will be perfect and beautiful because it checks all the requirements on our list. I feel no pleasure when I see it though.
The therapist tells me that my depression comes from the fact that I spend too much of my time reflecting on things. I haven't mentioned any of my feelings about the project to her, but it doesn't matter because she'll say the same thing: stop thinking about it. She says I should do more exercises, to put more emphasis on the physical body, and not so much on the mental. I will do more exercises tomorrow.
Friday
Today at work we had a team meeting. I thought a team meeting would be a good chance to go over a few of the objectives of the projects, and maybe I wouldn't feel so blue about them anymore. Unsurprisingly, Jong-hyun did most, if not all, of the talking. Seo-hyun said nothing, as usual. Key watched me the whole time, as if he was suspicious of something. It irked me a little and I shifted uncomfortably in my seat from time to time. He probably knows all about my negative feelings.
Almost certainly he knows because he started a discussion about it as soon as the official meeting was over. He said to me, "Do you think it's right that androids know that they're androids?"
I said, yes, of course. What is the good of fooling them?
He replied, "But how would you feel if you knew that you were an android? That you had all the intelligence of a human, but none of the rights of a human. Wouldn't that make you angry? What if they started an android movement, started an android revolution?"
"What if?" I said. "It's all hypothetical anyway. None of the androids we're developing have any intelligence. They ought to know they're androids. They won't feel angry because they are just not programmed to."
I answered as flatly and as neutrally as I could, but he still watched me suspiciously.
When I left the lab in the evening, Seo-hyun was still working on the face. She never says anything, but she waved. On the way out I saw Jong-hyun and Key in a private conversation, whispering intently, but they both became silent when they saw me. Key watched me with his black, piercing eyes until I was out of the building, and I could still feel his gaze on the back of my neck as I made my way home.
I turned off my phone when I got home. I devoted myself to having an undisturbed evening, so I could focus on my exercises. Before eating dinner, I took the therapist's advice and took a run around the neighbourhood.
I wasn't accustomed to this sort of exercise, but I had seen other people doing it, in the parks mainly, sometimes with their dogs. I don't have a dog, so I ran with my fists clenched only. How silly I must have looked! I have no fitness to speak of, and I was tired very quickly. Once I had been through the whole park, I slowed to a walk, but I was still out of breath and my head felt dizzy. I was so light-headed and dizzy that I did not even notice when I crashed into someone on the footpath.
It was a girl and she had been carrying plates of food. They fell to the ground and I could see rice scattered all over the footpath. Both myself and the girl were also on the ground, but she got up quickly, and served me a swift kick in the side.
"You clumsy fool!" she cried. "Look what you have done. Their food is ruined."
She quickly forgot about me, and went to apologise to the group of people sitting at the outside table. Rolling over sore, with bits of rice stuck between my fingers, I managed to get myself up, and I started walking home, my head held in shame.
This may seem like not a good start to my new exercise plan, but at least it has given me something to write about in my diary. See, I am not dwelling on my thoughts anymore...
Monday
Today I can safely say I have nothing to complain about. So far at least! Work, once again, was as it usually is. But today I spent most of my time in the laboratory, which is where I prefer to be. The laboratory is where the scientist belongs, not in the boardrooms and conference halls. When I get down to working I can completely immerse myself and I don't have to worry about anyone else. It's where everything falls together for me.
Today I was working on a fresh batch of code, which is tedious, but it keeps me entertained. To my side, Key and Jong-hyun were in private discussion, although it sounded friendly by the tone of their voices. They were speaking in a volume that was just low enough for me not to interpret their conversation, but loud enough so that I was still aware of their talking. I have them both a hard look for causing interruption, and Key shot back one of his suspicious glares, which left me feeling cold. I wanted to bluntly tell them to keep it quiet, but they hate me enough as it is.
Well, to be fair, I don't really know if they hate me. They're cautious around me, as if they have some secret that they don't want me to know and they become aggressive when I get too close. I don't care about their secrets though. I have no business in other people's personal affairs.
To be honest, I really don't know how they actually feel about me. They both joined me on my way home today and chatted with me on the train. Not specifics about the project of course, because they are forbidden to speak of in public, but just general comments about the science. Jong-hyun likes to be dramatic about these things at times and he was waving his arms about and nearly knocked over some poor woman on the train. We laughed about it. He was talking about how androids should be developed to display musical talents and that a company in Japan was already working on making a whole band of androids. He said they should have special talents that humans don't have, like the ability to make instrumental sounds with their mouths. I laughed at this and Jong-hyun frowned at me, as if I had insulted his brilliant idea.
He is right about musical androids being a popular asset. Personally, I don't like them. Last year at the annual conference I saw a performance of an old classic pop tune, by an android. She hit every note with perfect pitch, and sounded fine, but there was no emotion in her voice. How could she sing convincingly about love and pain when she never had the capacity to feel these things?
I said something along this line to the pair and it was met with some thoughtful consideration. Jong-hyun said, "It's possible to program the emotions of androids. We are doing it already. The basic girl androids know what it's like to feel love and devotion for their masters."
"And we can easily load a memory track," Key added, "giving them access to a whole range of experiences that they could never experience themselves. They would feel everything."
"That would give them an even richer experience than any human. Because they can feel more than us." Jong-hyun's voice was solemn and holy until the train stopped. "This is my stop," he chirped and left me and Key sitting alone together for the rest of the trip.
Key was poised to say something to me. I waited patiently.
"The thing about loading a memory track," he began, "is that the android won't know that they are not real memories. The android will wholeheartedly believe that he or she had done those things." He watched me carefully, waiting for my response.
"Yes," I said flatly. "That's the trouble with these memory tracks."
"So you really think androids should be fully aware of the fact that they are androids?"
"Yes," I said, still remaining emotionless.
"Oh, that's good then. I tend to agree with you." He turned to face the window as the train approached the station. It was nearly time for him to get off.
"One more thing though," he said before getting up. "Even if an android had a memory track, and no one ever told him that he was an android... he could still probably figure it out. It's to do with the dreams you see. Androids don't have dreams, at least not visual dreams."
"See you tomorrow," I called as he exited the train. I was left lost in my own thoughts until the train took me home. All this thinking about the ethics of androids is what really gets my head spinning, I can hardly bear it.
So there you go. I think I've written enough about this android business here. I don't want to go into it anymore, because it causes too much stress on my mind and my thoughts become too negative! No, I've had enough of writing. I'm hungry now, so I will have to go get some dinner. I have a craving for chicken (what's new) but I haven't had any for a week, so I will go out and get some now!
A few hours later...
I decided before that I wasn't going to write any more in tonight's journal, but something rather unexpected happened while I was out getting dinner.
I went through the park to the cafe a few streets away, so I could get some exercise into my daily routine. I didn't run so hard this time, so I was not tired or light headed when I got to the other side of the park.
I had decided to go out a bit later for my dinner, since I prefer to dine alone when the cafes are not crowded. This particular cafe is not very popular anyway, so I was able to get a table all to myself and the waitresses were polite with me. I ordered the usual fried chicken, and I was mindlessly tapping away at my booklet as I waited. I didn't realise that someone had sat down across from me, waiting patiently for me to give her my attention. When I looked up I was shocked to see that it was the waitress who had joined me at the table, still wearing her uniform. It was not just any waitress. It was the same one I had knocked down only a few days before.
I was left speechless with shock, so she spoke first.
"I honestly didn't think that you would come back so soon. I'm very sorry about what happened the other day. It was just as much my fault that I tripped. I was having a rough day and well, I guess I took it out on you. I shouldn't have left you lying on the pavement, and I certainly shouldn't have kicked you! I had the customers to attend to, and I did think about going back to apologise, but when I was finished you had already gone."
I had to clear my throat before I could reply. "Don't mention it. I, ah, should have been more careful. I'm sorry for ruining your customers meal."
I tapped my fingers together awkwardly, as we sat in silence.
"Not much of a first meeting was it?" She smiled at me and for the first time since we had met I looked at her properly. She was somewhat plain. Her bleached hair was tied in a messy plait and some of it was falling over her forehead. She had a boyish, friendly smile. I smiled too.
"At least we have the privilege of a second meeting."
"Exactly. What's your name? I am Kim Hyo-yeon."
I responded shyly. "I am called Onew."
She laughed. "Do people call you that because of your good nature? You're gentle?"
I shrugged sheepishly. "I guess so."
A waitress came over to the table, bringing my plate of chicken. She smirked at Hyo-yeon as she did so, but Hyo-yeon ignored her. She eyed the chicken appreciatively.
"Ah, you chose the chicken. It's a good choice." As she spoke she took a piece of chicken without my invitation. "So, Onew, what do you do?"
As I watched her eat my chicken, I could feel my heart beat faster in my chest. Something about her rudeness and lack of decorum felt so thrilling to me! My mind spun and I delayed answering her question by a few moments. When I did finally answer her, my tongue forced out a lie.
"I'm a doctor."
I'm not even sure why it was that I felt I needed to lie, but her face lit up with admiration and in that brief moment I was glad that I did.
"I didn't expect you would be a doctor. If you don't mind me saying, you seem quite young."
"Yeah, well, I'm just starting out..."
I didn't want to end up having to lie any further, so I changed the topic of conversation to food. We discussed our favourite ways to serve chicken, and came to realise that we shared many similar tastes in food. She told me that she was aiming to get a degree from a business college and would one day start her own kitchen. Sitting together in that warm cafe, I thought that it sounded like a very sweet idea.
When we were finished she offered to cover the bill for me.
"Please, have it on the house. As a gift to say sorry."
I was embarrassed, since I had never had a girl pay for me before, and I wanted to argue that I had just as much reason to be sorry. I mumbled something along this line and she laughed.
"Make it up for me next time okay?"
With that rather optimistic farewell, I couldn't help but smile as I made my way home. What a pleasant turn of events!
Tuesday
Today I thought about Hyo-yeon as we worked on the face of the android. I must admit that I felt a little foolish about the whole thing when I woke up in the morning. Last night I went to bed thinking that the evening had gone well and that we had left with a good impression of each other. But the more I think of it now, I can't help but wonder if she was really laughing at me the whole time. I mean me, the clumsy fool who showed up shamelessly to eat a plate of chicken. Perhaps she had been teasing me.
I chastise myself for thinking about her so much. She's not even pretty! She has something of a coarse look about her, too bold and brassy. Not my type at all. But still, as I studied the face of the android, I couldn't help but think of Hyo-yeon's charms... because she is the exact opposite of the android! The android has a beautiful sharp face, with large eyes, thin nose and slender jawline. Hyo-yeon has none of these charms. All she has is that fierce smile, and it makes me tremble when I think about it now.
I think my colleagues noticed my change in disposition. Jong-hyun made some comments about me making a few errors in the lab, and he hinted that I had my head in the clouds. I wasn't bothered at all though. This new wave of happiness is much preferred to my usual melancholy.
Jong-hyun and Key were chatting together at one of the computers, and as I walked past I heard one of them say, "Androids as scientists, I'm not sure I like it."
"What are you guys talking about?" I asked, feeling bolder than usual today.
Key shrugged. "You know Dr. Oh's theories. Recruiting androids to do science... We were just discussing whether it works well or not."
"But no one's ever tried anything like that before. How would you know?"
Key and Jong-hyun exchanged glances. "How do you know it's never been done before? It's actually been implemented a few times, although only with limited success. So far the androids aren't very smart."
As we were speaking, I noticed one of the supervisors approaching us from down the hall. "We better get back to work," I told them. "You can't afford to be always spotted like this, chatting idly. Eventually the supervisors will become suspicious of you."
Unsurprisingly, Key and Jong-hyun were unimpressed with my advice. "Whatever captain," Jong-hyun muttered, and they both returned to separate computers to continue with the coding. The supervisor engaged me for a few moments, asking for some reports on the day's progress. Although I had been light headed and my colleagues had dawdled, I gave the most positive review I could come up with.
On the way home I caught the train with Seo-hyun. This was only by chance; I don't see her on the train very often. She smiled to acknowledge me and then went back to reading her book. It was a heavy book, something about the seven ways to tap your spiritual energy. This was as sociable as Seo-hyun ever got. I turned to look out the window and I let my thoughts overcome me.
Wednesday
I couldn't write much more last night, since my feet became itchy too soon after getting home. It had been on my mind all day, so I couldn't put it off any longer: I had to go back to the cafe to see her again. I put my running shoes on, and I took the path through the park. I was uncharacteristically full of energy, and I could run the whole way without becoming tired. I did, however, almost trip over someone's dog, so I needed to slow myself down by the time I got to the end.
I approached the cafe slowly, and I became more fearful with each step. What would she think of me coming back so soon? And what am I going to say to her? What if she laughs at my proposal?
I saw her as soon as I entered the door. She was wiping a table and she looked up at me with an expression of happy surprise.
"Back so soon?" she said.
"Yeah," I couldn't help but stare at my feet. "I was thinking about what you said last night... about making it up to you? I was wondering if you wanted to go to the pictures with me?"
She took a moment to answer, staring thoughtfully into the distance, as if weighing up possibilities. "I finish at 9:30," she said at last. "I'll see you then?"
"Tonight?"
Hyo-yeon went back to wiping the table. "Yeah, tonight. You have something else on?"
"No, no! I'll see you tonight. 9:30."
I ran back home, careful not to step on any dogs. For the next couple of hours, I paced around my apartment unproductively, my feet still itchy with anticipation. I carefully chose the most appropriate thing to wear, and I spent far longer than necessary fussing in front of the mirror. I must say, I felt nothing like my usual self.
I walked back through the park after dark, this time slowly and carefully. I saw Hyo-yeon waiting for me under a street lamp. She had changed her dress, and her hair was tied up differently. It was still messy though, and strands of hair were falling out on both sides.
"I like your hair," I found myself saying, without really meaning to. She laughed loudly.
"I'm glad to hear it. I actually stuffed it up really badly a couple of weeks ago. My friend and I were trying a new bleach, and it came out like this."
Her hair certainly was an odd colour, but I decided not to say any more on the matter.
I let her choose the movie. It was a funny one, but I can't be bothered to recall exactly what it was about. It didn't hold my attention very well. Hyo-yeon liked it though, or at least I assume she did because she laughed louder than anyone. After it had finished I walked with her to her bus stop.
I felt slightly concerned about having her ride the bus alone at such a late hour, but she reassured me that she did it regularly. She thanked me for my concern and then I tripped on my shoe lace. She laughed, though not in an unkind way and she offered to hold my things while I fixed my shoes. I thought it was a bit funny to have my date hold my bags for me, so I hoped that no one saw us.
As I was on my knee, tying my shoelace, my phone rang. I instinctively went to answer it, forgetting that I had passed all my things to Hyo-yeon.
"Don't worry, I got it," Hyo-yeon said, and before I could stop her she answered my phone. "Hi, you've just called Onew's phone. He's currently on the ground fixing his shoes. He won't be a minute."
I stood up and saw the smile disappear from Hyo-yeon's face. She was listening intently to the voice on the phone. "Who is this? Are you okay?"
"Please, hand it over," I said, as calmly as I could. I was not surprised when I heard the sound of that childish voice coming through the phone.
"Jin-ki, Jin-ki, why won't you talk to me?"
"I'll call you back later," I said and hung up.
Hyo-yeon frowned. "Who was that? She sounded very distressed."
"It's just my niece. She's a bit... unstable."
Hyo-yeon pursed her lips, watching me with interest. I wonder if she knew I was lying. We waited together at the bus stop until her bus arrived, and then we said a cordial goodbye.
I went home in a fiery mood. My head was filled with the voice of the girl android, and it both enraged me and made me nauseous. I calmed down when I returned to the apartment, but I turned my phone off completely in case she rang again. Last week I had considered changing my phone number, but now I realise that would be a hassle and it would even arouse some suspicion. Besides, even if I changed it, she would find it again and she would continue to pester me. No, there is only really one option. The android needs to be deactivated.
It breaks my heart. I'm not angry anymore; how could I possibly stay mad at her when none of this was ever her fault? She was a faulty android, created by me, so how could I ever be mad? Now I feel pity, horrible painful pity. All those things Key had been telling me, about how androids who know they are androids, make me think that she'll know that I plan to deactivate her, to kill her. It's like putting down a sick pet, but it's worse, because I am her creator and she trusts me.
I will still have to get permission from the managers to deactivate her, which is a lot of effort for something I don't really want to do. Ah please! May I have the moral courage to do what I must do...
On top of all this I feel guilty about lying to Hyo-yeon. We have barely known each other two days and I have already lied to her twice. Telling her I am a doctor... what foolish arrogance! The next time I see her, I must tell her everything.
Part Two
Fandoms: SHINee, SNSD
Rating: PG-13 to M
Characters: Onew, Hyoyeon, Jonghyun, Key
WARNING: mentions of mental illness, violence
Disclaimer: The events portrayed in this story are purely fictional and do not reflect on the actual people written about.
Summary:
Onew is a scientist who builds android slaves. Disenchanted with his work, Onew seeks fulfillment with a society of anti-android rebels, but as the mistakes of his past come back to haunt him, reality begins to come undone and Onew is forced to question his own humanity.
Thursday evening
I was about to launch into another one of my nightly reflective exercises, but I was interrupted by the sound of my phone. I answered it without thinking to check the caller, but I wasn't surprised to hear a childish voice gasping and calling to me. "Jin-ki, Jin-ki!" it says, since that's all it ever says.
I need to change my number. I'll remember to get on to that tomorrow.
Tonight was a good night for exercises otherwise. My therapist gave me a whole list of the ones I should start working over, and I made some good progress. Physical exercises are good, but the mental ones are important too. The therapist says I need to be more positive in my mental environment, and so encouraged me to write better things in my diaries.
So that's what I am trying to do! See, I said tonight was a good night for exercises... but then I got interrupted by that damn phone call! So I haven't been entirely positive, but how can I be, when I still have that psycho girl-child on my back? I haven't gotten around to telling the therapist about her yet, but when I do, she will have a field day. Therapists love that dark past sort of stuff, especially if the patient is crazy, but I guess I am only depressed.
Today work was as it usually is. Tiring, but at least I am on target with the project.
An incident occurred after lunch. When I left the building, I forgot to take my access card with me and I was locked out when I returned. I called the office and Seo-hyun appeared at the balcony, lowering my card down to me with a length of cord. It wasn't quite long enough and I had to leap in order to grab it. Jong-hyun appeared behind her on the balcony, a smug look on his stupid face. I don't think I'll be hearing the end of this incident any time soon.
Jong-hyun's been on my back a lot lately. I think it's because I was invited to go out with the supervisors and managers but he wasn't. He thinks he's better than me, smarter than me, but I get all the privileges just because I am a year older. Maybe he's right.
I didn't enjoy going out with the supervisors anyway. I'm never good at handling myself around superiors, and these ones are particularly difficult. They're scientists sure, but mostly they're madmen. We talk about the project, and I get hammered with questions, then they go off and get drunk and discuss their wild theories with each other, and you have to agree with them on everything, or else you shouldn't even be there. Jong-hyun should have been there, not me.
Now I'm writing this here, in my private diary, because I don't think I can tell anyone else. Well, I know I can't tell anyone else, because it would probably get me fired.
I am getting sick of the project.
There I said it! I know I was meant to write positive things, but that felt wonderful. Actually, I should cross it out, someone could read this. No, I won't cross it. I don't even care anymore!
When I was at university I thought I could change the world. It's the overconfident narcissism of youth, but all the same I had some passion. I wanted to study science so that I could help people, help the world. I studied genetics so that I could understand people and make people better. For a while that's what I thought I was doing. The androids are meant to be better people, perfect people, more perfect and real than any real person could ever be. Like everybody else, I look down on human imperfection, and I thought that this could be a good thing, but the more I think about it now, the more perverted it becomes.
Either I've been thinking about it too much or I've been thinking about it in the wrong way. The supervisors are full of ideas. The other night Dr. Oh was postulating with me, one hand holding a glass and the other on my back, and he said, "Listen Onew, we have great possibilities. We've already created computers with the power to discover things that the human brain could never uncover. Why couldn't we create an android with the ability to think of things that the human mind has never conceived?"
But I don't like to think about that. Why create an android more intelligent than a human? They are supposed to be slaves.
Besides, we are not interested in creating intelligent androids. We are doing the exact opposite, creating dream girls, with the bodies of a woman in sexual prime and the mind and dependency of someone much younger. Need I remind myself as to why I am sour over these objectives? I don't need to remind myself, because she reminds me every night over the phone.
It doesn't matter what I think about it though. We're not supposed to like it, we're supposed to do it because it makes the company a lot of money. How can it be our fault if so many people want to buy these femme-bot androids?
Still, it gives me a bad feeling. We have almost finished the face of the latest android. It needs a higher forehead and a little more fat in the cheeks, and then it will be perfect and beautiful because it checks all the requirements on our list. I feel no pleasure when I see it though.
The therapist tells me that my depression comes from the fact that I spend too much of my time reflecting on things. I haven't mentioned any of my feelings about the project to her, but it doesn't matter because she'll say the same thing: stop thinking about it. She says I should do more exercises, to put more emphasis on the physical body, and not so much on the mental. I will do more exercises tomorrow.
Friday
Today at work we had a team meeting. I thought a team meeting would be a good chance to go over a few of the objectives of the projects, and maybe I wouldn't feel so blue about them anymore. Unsurprisingly, Jong-hyun did most, if not all, of the talking. Seo-hyun said nothing, as usual. Key watched me the whole time, as if he was suspicious of something. It irked me a little and I shifted uncomfortably in my seat from time to time. He probably knows all about my negative feelings.
Almost certainly he knows because he started a discussion about it as soon as the official meeting was over. He said to me, "Do you think it's right that androids know that they're androids?"
I said, yes, of course. What is the good of fooling them?
He replied, "But how would you feel if you knew that you were an android? That you had all the intelligence of a human, but none of the rights of a human. Wouldn't that make you angry? What if they started an android movement, started an android revolution?"
"What if?" I said. "It's all hypothetical anyway. None of the androids we're developing have any intelligence. They ought to know they're androids. They won't feel angry because they are just not programmed to."
I answered as flatly and as neutrally as I could, but he still watched me suspiciously.
When I left the lab in the evening, Seo-hyun was still working on the face. She never says anything, but she waved. On the way out I saw Jong-hyun and Key in a private conversation, whispering intently, but they both became silent when they saw me. Key watched me with his black, piercing eyes until I was out of the building, and I could still feel his gaze on the back of my neck as I made my way home.
I turned off my phone when I got home. I devoted myself to having an undisturbed evening, so I could focus on my exercises. Before eating dinner, I took the therapist's advice and took a run around the neighbourhood.
I wasn't accustomed to this sort of exercise, but I had seen other people doing it, in the parks mainly, sometimes with their dogs. I don't have a dog, so I ran with my fists clenched only. How silly I must have looked! I have no fitness to speak of, and I was tired very quickly. Once I had been through the whole park, I slowed to a walk, but I was still out of breath and my head felt dizzy. I was so light-headed and dizzy that I did not even notice when I crashed into someone on the footpath.
It was a girl and she had been carrying plates of food. They fell to the ground and I could see rice scattered all over the footpath. Both myself and the girl were also on the ground, but she got up quickly, and served me a swift kick in the side.
"You clumsy fool!" she cried. "Look what you have done. Their food is ruined."
She quickly forgot about me, and went to apologise to the group of people sitting at the outside table. Rolling over sore, with bits of rice stuck between my fingers, I managed to get myself up, and I started walking home, my head held in shame.
This may seem like not a good start to my new exercise plan, but at least it has given me something to write about in my diary. See, I am not dwelling on my thoughts anymore...
Monday
Today I can safely say I have nothing to complain about. So far at least! Work, once again, was as it usually is. But today I spent most of my time in the laboratory, which is where I prefer to be. The laboratory is where the scientist belongs, not in the boardrooms and conference halls. When I get down to working I can completely immerse myself and I don't have to worry about anyone else. It's where everything falls together for me.
Today I was working on a fresh batch of code, which is tedious, but it keeps me entertained. To my side, Key and Jong-hyun were in private discussion, although it sounded friendly by the tone of their voices. They were speaking in a volume that was just low enough for me not to interpret their conversation, but loud enough so that I was still aware of their talking. I have them both a hard look for causing interruption, and Key shot back one of his suspicious glares, which left me feeling cold. I wanted to bluntly tell them to keep it quiet, but they hate me enough as it is.
Well, to be fair, I don't really know if they hate me. They're cautious around me, as if they have some secret that they don't want me to know and they become aggressive when I get too close. I don't care about their secrets though. I have no business in other people's personal affairs.
To be honest, I really don't know how they actually feel about me. They both joined me on my way home today and chatted with me on the train. Not specifics about the project of course, because they are forbidden to speak of in public, but just general comments about the science. Jong-hyun likes to be dramatic about these things at times and he was waving his arms about and nearly knocked over some poor woman on the train. We laughed about it. He was talking about how androids should be developed to display musical talents and that a company in Japan was already working on making a whole band of androids. He said they should have special talents that humans don't have, like the ability to make instrumental sounds with their mouths. I laughed at this and Jong-hyun frowned at me, as if I had insulted his brilliant idea.
He is right about musical androids being a popular asset. Personally, I don't like them. Last year at the annual conference I saw a performance of an old classic pop tune, by an android. She hit every note with perfect pitch, and sounded fine, but there was no emotion in her voice. How could she sing convincingly about love and pain when she never had the capacity to feel these things?
I said something along this line to the pair and it was met with some thoughtful consideration. Jong-hyun said, "It's possible to program the emotions of androids. We are doing it already. The basic girl androids know what it's like to feel love and devotion for their masters."
"And we can easily load a memory track," Key added, "giving them access to a whole range of experiences that they could never experience themselves. They would feel everything."
"That would give them an even richer experience than any human. Because they can feel more than us." Jong-hyun's voice was solemn and holy until the train stopped. "This is my stop," he chirped and left me and Key sitting alone together for the rest of the trip.
Key was poised to say something to me. I waited patiently.
"The thing about loading a memory track," he began, "is that the android won't know that they are not real memories. The android will wholeheartedly believe that he or she had done those things." He watched me carefully, waiting for my response.
"Yes," I said flatly. "That's the trouble with these memory tracks."
"So you really think androids should be fully aware of the fact that they are androids?"
"Yes," I said, still remaining emotionless.
"Oh, that's good then. I tend to agree with you." He turned to face the window as the train approached the station. It was nearly time for him to get off.
"One more thing though," he said before getting up. "Even if an android had a memory track, and no one ever told him that he was an android... he could still probably figure it out. It's to do with the dreams you see. Androids don't have dreams, at least not visual dreams."
"See you tomorrow," I called as he exited the train. I was left lost in my own thoughts until the train took me home. All this thinking about the ethics of androids is what really gets my head spinning, I can hardly bear it.
So there you go. I think I've written enough about this android business here. I don't want to go into it anymore, because it causes too much stress on my mind and my thoughts become too negative! No, I've had enough of writing. I'm hungry now, so I will have to go get some dinner. I have a craving for chicken (what's new) but I haven't had any for a week, so I will go out and get some now!
A few hours later...
I decided before that I wasn't going to write any more in tonight's journal, but something rather unexpected happened while I was out getting dinner.
I went through the park to the cafe a few streets away, so I could get some exercise into my daily routine. I didn't run so hard this time, so I was not tired or light headed when I got to the other side of the park.
I had decided to go out a bit later for my dinner, since I prefer to dine alone when the cafes are not crowded. This particular cafe is not very popular anyway, so I was able to get a table all to myself and the waitresses were polite with me. I ordered the usual fried chicken, and I was mindlessly tapping away at my booklet as I waited. I didn't realise that someone had sat down across from me, waiting patiently for me to give her my attention. When I looked up I was shocked to see that it was the waitress who had joined me at the table, still wearing her uniform. It was not just any waitress. It was the same one I had knocked down only a few days before.
I was left speechless with shock, so she spoke first.
"I honestly didn't think that you would come back so soon. I'm very sorry about what happened the other day. It was just as much my fault that I tripped. I was having a rough day and well, I guess I took it out on you. I shouldn't have left you lying on the pavement, and I certainly shouldn't have kicked you! I had the customers to attend to, and I did think about going back to apologise, but when I was finished you had already gone."
I had to clear my throat before I could reply. "Don't mention it. I, ah, should have been more careful. I'm sorry for ruining your customers meal."
I tapped my fingers together awkwardly, as we sat in silence.
"Not much of a first meeting was it?" She smiled at me and for the first time since we had met I looked at her properly. She was somewhat plain. Her bleached hair was tied in a messy plait and some of it was falling over her forehead. She had a boyish, friendly smile. I smiled too.
"At least we have the privilege of a second meeting."
"Exactly. What's your name? I am Kim Hyo-yeon."
I responded shyly. "I am called Onew."
She laughed. "Do people call you that because of your good nature? You're gentle?"
I shrugged sheepishly. "I guess so."
A waitress came over to the table, bringing my plate of chicken. She smirked at Hyo-yeon as she did so, but Hyo-yeon ignored her. She eyed the chicken appreciatively.
"Ah, you chose the chicken. It's a good choice." As she spoke she took a piece of chicken without my invitation. "So, Onew, what do you do?"
As I watched her eat my chicken, I could feel my heart beat faster in my chest. Something about her rudeness and lack of decorum felt so thrilling to me! My mind spun and I delayed answering her question by a few moments. When I did finally answer her, my tongue forced out a lie.
"I'm a doctor."
I'm not even sure why it was that I felt I needed to lie, but her face lit up with admiration and in that brief moment I was glad that I did.
"I didn't expect you would be a doctor. If you don't mind me saying, you seem quite young."
"Yeah, well, I'm just starting out..."
I didn't want to end up having to lie any further, so I changed the topic of conversation to food. We discussed our favourite ways to serve chicken, and came to realise that we shared many similar tastes in food. She told me that she was aiming to get a degree from a business college and would one day start her own kitchen. Sitting together in that warm cafe, I thought that it sounded like a very sweet idea.
When we were finished she offered to cover the bill for me.
"Please, have it on the house. As a gift to say sorry."
I was embarrassed, since I had never had a girl pay for me before, and I wanted to argue that I had just as much reason to be sorry. I mumbled something along this line and she laughed.
"Make it up for me next time okay?"
With that rather optimistic farewell, I couldn't help but smile as I made my way home. What a pleasant turn of events!
Tuesday
Today I thought about Hyo-yeon as we worked on the face of the android. I must admit that I felt a little foolish about the whole thing when I woke up in the morning. Last night I went to bed thinking that the evening had gone well and that we had left with a good impression of each other. But the more I think of it now, I can't help but wonder if she was really laughing at me the whole time. I mean me, the clumsy fool who showed up shamelessly to eat a plate of chicken. Perhaps she had been teasing me.
I chastise myself for thinking about her so much. She's not even pretty! She has something of a coarse look about her, too bold and brassy. Not my type at all. But still, as I studied the face of the android, I couldn't help but think of Hyo-yeon's charms... because she is the exact opposite of the android! The android has a beautiful sharp face, with large eyes, thin nose and slender jawline. Hyo-yeon has none of these charms. All she has is that fierce smile, and it makes me tremble when I think about it now.
I think my colleagues noticed my change in disposition. Jong-hyun made some comments about me making a few errors in the lab, and he hinted that I had my head in the clouds. I wasn't bothered at all though. This new wave of happiness is much preferred to my usual melancholy.
Jong-hyun and Key were chatting together at one of the computers, and as I walked past I heard one of them say, "Androids as scientists, I'm not sure I like it."
"What are you guys talking about?" I asked, feeling bolder than usual today.
Key shrugged. "You know Dr. Oh's theories. Recruiting androids to do science... We were just discussing whether it works well or not."
"But no one's ever tried anything like that before. How would you know?"
Key and Jong-hyun exchanged glances. "How do you know it's never been done before? It's actually been implemented a few times, although only with limited success. So far the androids aren't very smart."
As we were speaking, I noticed one of the supervisors approaching us from down the hall. "We better get back to work," I told them. "You can't afford to be always spotted like this, chatting idly. Eventually the supervisors will become suspicious of you."
Unsurprisingly, Key and Jong-hyun were unimpressed with my advice. "Whatever captain," Jong-hyun muttered, and they both returned to separate computers to continue with the coding. The supervisor engaged me for a few moments, asking for some reports on the day's progress. Although I had been light headed and my colleagues had dawdled, I gave the most positive review I could come up with.
On the way home I caught the train with Seo-hyun. This was only by chance; I don't see her on the train very often. She smiled to acknowledge me and then went back to reading her book. It was a heavy book, something about the seven ways to tap your spiritual energy. This was as sociable as Seo-hyun ever got. I turned to look out the window and I let my thoughts overcome me.
Wednesday
I couldn't write much more last night, since my feet became itchy too soon after getting home. It had been on my mind all day, so I couldn't put it off any longer: I had to go back to the cafe to see her again. I put my running shoes on, and I took the path through the park. I was uncharacteristically full of energy, and I could run the whole way without becoming tired. I did, however, almost trip over someone's dog, so I needed to slow myself down by the time I got to the end.
I approached the cafe slowly, and I became more fearful with each step. What would she think of me coming back so soon? And what am I going to say to her? What if she laughs at my proposal?
I saw her as soon as I entered the door. She was wiping a table and she looked up at me with an expression of happy surprise.
"Back so soon?" she said.
"Yeah," I couldn't help but stare at my feet. "I was thinking about what you said last night... about making it up to you? I was wondering if you wanted to go to the pictures with me?"
She took a moment to answer, staring thoughtfully into the distance, as if weighing up possibilities. "I finish at 9:30," she said at last. "I'll see you then?"
"Tonight?"
Hyo-yeon went back to wiping the table. "Yeah, tonight. You have something else on?"
"No, no! I'll see you tonight. 9:30."
I ran back home, careful not to step on any dogs. For the next couple of hours, I paced around my apartment unproductively, my feet still itchy with anticipation. I carefully chose the most appropriate thing to wear, and I spent far longer than necessary fussing in front of the mirror. I must say, I felt nothing like my usual self.
I walked back through the park after dark, this time slowly and carefully. I saw Hyo-yeon waiting for me under a street lamp. She had changed her dress, and her hair was tied up differently. It was still messy though, and strands of hair were falling out on both sides.
"I like your hair," I found myself saying, without really meaning to. She laughed loudly.
"I'm glad to hear it. I actually stuffed it up really badly a couple of weeks ago. My friend and I were trying a new bleach, and it came out like this."
Her hair certainly was an odd colour, but I decided not to say any more on the matter.
I let her choose the movie. It was a funny one, but I can't be bothered to recall exactly what it was about. It didn't hold my attention very well. Hyo-yeon liked it though, or at least I assume she did because she laughed louder than anyone. After it had finished I walked with her to her bus stop.
I felt slightly concerned about having her ride the bus alone at such a late hour, but she reassured me that she did it regularly. She thanked me for my concern and then I tripped on my shoe lace. She laughed, though not in an unkind way and she offered to hold my things while I fixed my shoes. I thought it was a bit funny to have my date hold my bags for me, so I hoped that no one saw us.
As I was on my knee, tying my shoelace, my phone rang. I instinctively went to answer it, forgetting that I had passed all my things to Hyo-yeon.
"Don't worry, I got it," Hyo-yeon said, and before I could stop her she answered my phone. "Hi, you've just called Onew's phone. He's currently on the ground fixing his shoes. He won't be a minute."
I stood up and saw the smile disappear from Hyo-yeon's face. She was listening intently to the voice on the phone. "Who is this? Are you okay?"
"Please, hand it over," I said, as calmly as I could. I was not surprised when I heard the sound of that childish voice coming through the phone.
"Jin-ki, Jin-ki, why won't you talk to me?"
"I'll call you back later," I said and hung up.
Hyo-yeon frowned. "Who was that? She sounded very distressed."
"It's just my niece. She's a bit... unstable."
Hyo-yeon pursed her lips, watching me with interest. I wonder if she knew I was lying. We waited together at the bus stop until her bus arrived, and then we said a cordial goodbye.
I went home in a fiery mood. My head was filled with the voice of the girl android, and it both enraged me and made me nauseous. I calmed down when I returned to the apartment, but I turned my phone off completely in case she rang again. Last week I had considered changing my phone number, but now I realise that would be a hassle and it would even arouse some suspicion. Besides, even if I changed it, she would find it again and she would continue to pester me. No, there is only really one option. The android needs to be deactivated.
It breaks my heart. I'm not angry anymore; how could I possibly stay mad at her when none of this was ever her fault? She was a faulty android, created by me, so how could I ever be mad? Now I feel pity, horrible painful pity. All those things Key had been telling me, about how androids who know they are androids, make me think that she'll know that I plan to deactivate her, to kill her. It's like putting down a sick pet, but it's worse, because I am her creator and she trusts me.
I will still have to get permission from the managers to deactivate her, which is a lot of effort for something I don't really want to do. Ah please! May I have the moral courage to do what I must do...
On top of all this I feel guilty about lying to Hyo-yeon. We have barely known each other two days and I have already lied to her twice. Telling her I am a doctor... what foolish arrogance! The next time I see her, I must tell her everything.
Part Two